Letting Go

Sometimes God doesn’t just teach me through the topic of a meeting. He asks me to practice it before the meeting is over.

And the Lord’s servant must not be a man of strife: he must be kind to all, ready and able to teach: he must have patience and the ability gently to correct those who oppose his message. He must always bear in mind the possibility that God will give them a different outlook, and that they may come to know the truth.  2 Timothy 2:24-25

I attended a recovery meeting recently where the topic was letting go. The person leading opened by talking about surrendering to a higher power. They continued, saying that your higher power could be anything you wanted it to be. The group. Nature. Anything that you thought helped you. Immediately I felt myself getting edgy. And I sensed the need to defend the integrity of the program rise up inside of me. I thought “That is not what the literature says. That is not what the Twelve Steps teach.” I thought I am going to speak up so the other people in the group listening would not believe that nonsense, but instead know the truth. Hearing about that belief is what kept me from coming to recovery in the beginning. Somehow I thought it was my responsibility to set things straight. But that was the old me. I don’t act out my crazy thinking anymore.

Then it hit me. This meeting’s topic was about letting go. Why don’t I try to do that. So my next best thought was to simply leave the meeting. That way I wont cause a scene or any problems in the group. And that is when another thought entered my mind. It was a little bit firmer and direct. I know it was God. He said “Why don’t you let go of your desire to control this meeting? Let go of your desire to be right?” Instantly everything stopped. God had just given me an opportunity to practice it. I quietly chuckled to myself. The irony had not escaped me.

I quietly prayed, “Lord, help me to let go and listen. Help me get something out of this meeting.”

As I listened to others share their experience, strength, and hope, I found myself encouraged. I heard how people practiced letting go in practical ways. As I listened I realized that I was actually practicing letting go as I sat there. It was a real-life object lesson. I was a student, this was my classroom, and God was my teacher. I left the meeting grateful I was able to attend instead of resentful because some believed differently than I do.

I still believe, as the Big Book says, that there is no recovery apart from God. My convictions haven’t changed. What has changed is my understanding of what God was asking of me. He wasn’t asking me to correct others. He was asking me to surrender my own life and will to His care. I had to let go of my desire to control the meeting and trust Him to do what only He can do. The irony still makes me smile. I walked into a meeting about letting go. I assumed someone else needed the lesson, and I was the messenger. But I realized God had led me there to teach me.

I am the student.