He is God. I am Not

Seeing His Leading

Sometimes God’s direction looks like disappointment before I recognize that He is leading me.

A man’s mind plans his way [as he journeys through life], But the Lord directs his steps and establishes them. Proverbs 16:9

Before recovery, I wanted to seek God, but I wanted to do it on my terms. I had been hurt by church leaders and had decided I would have a relationship with God without going to church. I was willing to follow Him as long as He did not lead me back there. When I started recovery, I knew I was supposed to get a sponsor. There was one man, whom I immediately gravitated toward. He talked openly about God, and it was obvious to me that his relationship with Him was real. Here was my guy. He was someone who genuinely knew God without all the church stuff that I was trying to avoid. So, I asked him to sponsor me. He said no. I was hurt and offended. I felt just like I did when I was hurt by those church leaders. But God had something else in mind.

A few days later I showed up for one of my regular meetings only to find out it had been canceled. I desperately needed a meeting. I was lonely and honestly felt like acting out. On the way home, I saw a sign for a new recovery meeting happening that night. There was only one problem. It was at a church. Ugh. I had purposely avoided any recovery meeting held in a church. It hurt too much to even think of walking back into a church. I reluctantly walked in. A man greeted me at the door and asked what brought me there. I said, “Umm… I wanted to come to a recovery meeting.” He smiled and said, “Great. I have been waiting for you.” I could not get those words out of my mind. I listened intently when he shared, and I related to what he said. I came back the next week and asked him to sponsor me. He agreed to be my “temporary sponsor.” He was the first person I ever truly, fully trusted.

Working honestly through the steps with my sponsor, God began healing past hurts and wounds. I was able to let go of the resentments I carried toward church, and eventually I even started attending church again. More importantly, I began to feel free and clean before God again. I was no longer afraid to come before Him and be vulnerable in His presence. I had not felt that kind of freedom with God in a very long time.

I have heard people say many times in recovery that God did for them what they could not do for themselves. Looking back, I can see Him doing that for me. I chose the sponsor who fit my plan, and he said no. The meeting I planned to attend was canceled. The meeting I would never have chosen was at a church, and the man God used to change my life was waiting for me there. What I could not see then was that God had been directing my steps the whole time. I am very grateful for my sponsor. My life is truly better because of the work we have done together. I believe it would never have happened if God had not been doing for me what I could not do for myself. I am deeply thankful to Him for that.

He is God, and I am not.

Reflection

Am I still trying to seek God on my own terms? Where do I see Him moving in my life?

6-7

Not Whatever

I stopped asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stopped trying to do what only He can do.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

The other day I heard someone say 6-7 to me. I chuckled to myself. 6-7 has become a popular phrase lately and seems to be everywhere. From what I understand, people often use it to mean something like, either way, one or the other, whatever, it doesn’t really matter. There is even a hand motion that goes along with it that looks like weighing two options back and forth. When I hear 6-7, it means something entirely different to me.

In recovery, I call Steps 6 and 7 the change steps. They are all about change. Step Six says, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Seven says, “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” There is nothing indecisive or ambiguous about that. In fact, Step Six confronts my indecision. Was I really ready to let go of my old ways? I wanted God to change things in my life without me having to change. I wanted relief from consequences. I wanted relationships to get better. I wanted other people to behave differently. I wanted peace, but I was not ready to surrender the attitudes and behaviors that were stealing my peace. I knew my character defects were causing problems in my life. I was tired of the consequences. I even prayed continually for God to change me. But being tired of the consequences, or even wanting God to change me, was not the same thing as me actually being ready and willing to change. I wanted the pain to stop but wasn’t entirely ready to surrender what was causing it.

That is why Step Six matters so much to me. It asks a very direct question: Am I entirely ready? Not, am I tired of the consequences? Not, do I wish things were different? Not, do I know this behavior is unhealthy? Am I ready for God to remove it? I had to ask myself what I was still getting out of those defects. What need was being met? Control made me feel safe. Anger made me feel powerful. Being right helped hide my low self-esteem. People-pleasing made me feel accepted. I hated what these things were doing to my life but was unable to surrender them. It was scary to consider letting them go. What would I do? How would I protect myself? Step Six forced me to stop living in maybe, maybe not, either way, whatever. I had to become entirely willing.

Then came Step Seven. I had to humbly ask God to take away those defects of character, attitudes, and behaviors. I identified them. I admitted what they were costing me. I became willing to let them go. But I also had to let God do in me what I had been unable to do for myself. Asking Him to remove them did not mean God would do my part for me. I still had to do my part. I had to practice different responses, take inventory, make amends, listen when someone pointed out something I did not want to hear, and make different choices when the same situations came around again.

So I have my own meaning for 6-7. Six says, “I am willing.” Seven says, “God, I need Your help.” Neither one leaves room for whatever. Six and Seven call me out of indecision and into surrender. I stop asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stop trying to do what only He can do.

Reflection

What am I asking God to change in me that I am still unable to let go of?

What need is being met?

Only Joking

Hidden Motives

Just because someone else says they’re fine doesn’t mean there is nothing in me to examine.

A man’s conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives. Proverbs 20:27

A friend of mine plays in the adult softball league I umpire. We are not especially close, but I would like to become better friends. During a game, there was a play where he was clearly safe and I called him out just to mess with him. I was joking around. Everybody knew I was joking, and I talked to him afterward. We were fine. But driving home after the game, I still felt bad about it. I kept thinking, Why did I do that? I thought about just dismissing it by telling myself I was only joking, but something about it bothered me enough that I knew I needed to dig a little deeper.

As I thought about it, I recognized it as an old behavior. Sarcasm and joking around at somebody else’s expense used to be normal for me. I also realized that the players are always joking with each other, teasing each other, and having fun together. Part of me wanted to be included in that. I wanted to be “one of the guys.” I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be cool. I wanted my friend to like me more. The problem is, I wasn’t one of the players. I was the umpire, and my responsibility was to be professional and make the right call. The answer may simply be that I didn’t think. I relied on old instincts. I wanted connection, and instead of letting friendship develop naturally, I tried to force it.

The next morning I called my friend and apologized. He started laughing. He told me he thought the whole thing was hilarious and that I had nothing to worry about. That reassured me that our relationship was fine, but it did not remove my need to look at my motives. He was fine. I wasn’t.

This is one of the ways working the principles of recovery helps me. Instead of ignoring it when something is bothering me and I feel uneasy, I pause. I take inventory. I ask myself certain questions. What did I do? What was my part? Why did I do it? My honest answers to these questions almost always uncover the solution. Usually, it begins with me admitting to myself when my behavior does not line up with the person I want to be. If I have hurt someone, I make amends. Inventory and amends are not dependent on whether another person is upset with me. They are about me dealing with what is going on inside of me. When I do that, peace and calm replace the uneasiness. I then ask God to help me change and to show me how to avoid repeating that behavior. Sometimes the answers and the solution present themselves right away. Other times, they unfold as I continue to seek God and His will for me.

Working the steps and applying the principles to my life help me to be at peace with God and with myself. I no longer have to strive to be accepted or fit in. When I slip, like I did the other night, I don’t have to beat myself up over it. As I keep looking at myself, I will keep growing and keep becoming the person I truly want to be. That is progress. That is growth. And even though I say it so often that it may sound cliché, I truly mean it: this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Lord, help me to listen to my conscience when You are trying to speak to me and show me the things I need to change. Amen.

Barometer of Truth

Denial as Default

Just because something doesn’t make sense to me doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Not at all! Depend on it: God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth. Romans 3:4

For most of my life, before I joined recovery and started to actively work through the steps, I had inadvertently made myself the barometer for what was true. If something made sense to me, if it lined up with what I already knew and believed, then I would accept it. If it didn’t, I questioned it and usually found some reason to reject it. I thought I was being wise and using discernment. I was really just being arrogant and close-minded. I was relying on myself to determine truth.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, I learned that I couldn’t trust what others said. I had to determine for myself what was true. People I trusted often misspoke, made things up or simply lied, and there never seemed to be any consequences for it either. That just didn’t seem right to me. How could I ever trust someone who lied all the time? So, I learned to trust my own judgment. The problem was, I was still a child when I developed this way of determining what was true. I had limited knowledge, limited experience, and no healthy model to follow. I had to come up with my own way of figuring things out, and that became the foundation for how I judged everything. If something didn’t align with my knowledge, experience, and beliefs, I couldn’t accept it. I would reject it outright. Without realizing it, I had become the barometer for truth.

That contributed to me remaining in denial for so long. There were things about myself, the way I behaved, and what others said about me that I inherently knew were true. I wanted to change, I just didn’t know how to, so I refused to accept them as truth. If I admitted they were true then that meant I had to do something about them. But what? Instead, I told myself that was just their opinion. So denial became my default. Even though I would vehemently deny I was in denial. But the simple truth was I didn’t know how to fix it. Pretending it isn’t true and secretly hoping it would change on its own seemed like a reasonable option. That way I wouldn’t go crazy. The irony is, I had insane thinking. I just didn’t know it yet.

Working through the steps helped me with that, but honestly, “helped me” is euphemistic. Working the steps forced me to confront the truth, especially the truth about myself. With the help of my sponsor, I began to understand that I didn’t have to know how to fix something before admitting that it was true. I learned to accept reality, own my part, and trust God to show me what to do with it.

I don’t have to understand something before accepting that it could be true. I could be wrong. I could misunderstand something, which is very often the case. There are many things I don’t know, and that’s okay. My knowledge and experience are no longer the determining factor for what I am willing to accept. Before recovery, if something didn’t make sense to me, I rejected it. Today I am willing to consider that the problem wasn’t what was true. The problem was my way of thinking. I am not the barometer of truth anymore. God is. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to keep trusting You, for You are always truthful. Teach me to accept what is true about me, even when it’s uncomfortable and I don’t like what I see. Help me to change my thinking to become more like You. Amen.

First Instinct

A New Heart

Being thankful even when circumstances are out of my control is how I know recovery is working in my life.

And I will give you a new heart, I will give you new and right desires, and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love. Ezekiel 36:26

It was a sweltering hot day in the middle of a heat wave, and I had been umpiring all day. Around two o’clock, in the middle of my fourth game, it seemed like it couldn’t possibly get any hotter, but somehow it did. The game was slow and boring, and I was having a hard time staying interested and keeping my attention focused. I was exhausted and extremely hot. I felt like I could almost fall asleep standing there. I was counting the minutes until the game would finally be over. Then some large clouds drifted overhead and blocked out the sun. Almost immediately, it felt like the temperature dropped twenty degrees.

The relief felt incredible, and without even thinking about it I said, “Thank you, Lord.” I was genuinely grateful. As I was thanking God for the relief from the clouds, I quietly said, “Lord, if there could just be a breeze too, that would be amazing.” A few minutes later, a breeze picked up. I felt it moving across my sweaty skin, cooling me down even more. Once again, I thanked God. I was still hot. I was still tired. The game was still moving slowly. But now there were clouds overhead, a breeze against my skin, and I was grateful for both.

None of those circumstances were within my control. I couldn’t change the heat or make the game move faster. I couldn’t make the clouds cover the sun or cause the breeze to blow. Unpleasant circumstances didn’t just disappear when I started working recovery. They still happen. But now I get to choose what I focus on and how I will respond to what is happening around me. As I reflected on that, I realized that I was grateful for something more than the clouds and the breeze. I was grateful that my first instinct had been to thank God. There was a time when my first instinct was to look for what was wrong with everything. I could find a problem, an inconvenience, or a reason to complain without even trying.

Working through the steps has changed the way I think and what I choose to focus on. Through prayer, inventory, and deliberately looking for what is good instead of always focusing on what is wrong, my perspective has changed. I have developed a grateful heart. I didn’t have to remind myself to be grateful. I didn’t have to make myself look for something good. My first instinct was simply, “Thank you, Lord.” Gratitude had become my first instinct. And for that I’m grateful.

Prayer
God, thank You for changing my heart as I surrender to You. Help me keep choosing gratitude until it always becomes my first instinct. Amen.

Unattended Consequences

Little things rarely stay little if unattended.

Paying Attention

Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! Song of Solomon 2:15

I spent part of the weekend catching up on some long overdue yardwork. This spring has been unusually wet. Between the alternating rain and sunshine, not to mention watering the trees, the weeds had gotten completely out of control. What once started out as small weeds weeks ago had become large, deeply rooted, and thriving. As I started pulling them, I noticed a couple things. The weeds had now become home to all kinds of bugs. Wasps, hornets, beetles, spiders, and all kinds of other insects had made the weeds their home. Now I was disturbing their environment. They immediately scattered, buzzed around me, and seemed determined to defend their territory. I can’t blame them for that. They were everywhere, but the bugs were not really the problem. My neglect had allowed an entire ecosystem to develop. The bugs were simply living in the environment I had allowed to develop and I was now disrupting it. By putting off regular maintenance, I had unintentionally created the conditions where their ecosystem could not only live but thrive.

I couldn’t help but see the parallel to my recovery. Character defects rarely develop overnight. They grow because I neglect the little things. I procrastinate on my step work. I neglect my prayer life. I stop journaling. I tell myself I’m too busy to attend a meeting or call my sponsor. None of those acts of neglect seem significant by themselves. But over time they can accumulate and create an environment where unhealthy attitudes, old thinking, and destructive behaviors can take root and begin to flourish. What once could have been pulled with very little effort when it was small, becomes deeply rooted simply because I kept telling myself I’d deal with it later.

As I continued working, I also noticed that the weeds were much harder to remove than they ever had been in the past. Normally I could have pulled the weeds easily by hand, but now I couldn’t. Because I had waited so long, what should have been a simple job now required much more time and effort. What once required only my hands now required gloves, a rake, a hoe, and a shovel. Recovery is no different. The longer I ignore an issue, the more work it often takes to address it. In my recovery, a daily Step 10 inventory helps me address small issues before they become deeply rooted and begin affecting other areas of my life. I can’t afford to ignore the small things and expect them to stay small.

When I was done, I sat down with a cup of iced tea admiring my work and how nice the yard looked again. As I sat there, I began reflecting on everything I had noticed while working. This wasn’t exposing a problem I have today as much as reminding me why I don’t want to go back to the way I used to live. Recovery has changed what I pay attention to. Before recovery, I ignored little things, and even the big things, pretending they weren’t really there. Denial made that easy. Today, I know that little things rarely stay little. That’s why I try to pay attention before they have the opportunity to become deeply rooted. Daily prayer, honest inventory, meetings, and talking with my sponsor aren’t just recovery disciplines. Those practices help me recognize small issues before they have the chance to take root and grow into old attitudes and behaviors. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

What have I been putting off? Is there a small issue I need to address today before it has the opportunity to take root and grow?

On The Spot

A Decision Followed by Action

I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can change what happens next.

I can do all things through Christ, because He gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

The other day I was umpiring an adult slow-pitch softball game after work. I was tired. It had been a long day, and I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Typically, there is not a lot of action and most of the calls are obvious. So, I usually do not have to move very much. However, there was a close play at third base. I called the runner out, but I was still all the way back at home plate. It was possible the fielder missed the bag, but I was not in the best position to see it. The runner was upset and said he had been safe by a couple of steps. Honestly, every player says they were safe, so I shrugged it off. But inwardly, I knew I was not in the correct position to make the call. I thought about it for a few minutes, but instead of letting my mind spin on it, I decided to change right there, on the spot.

I told myself, “I can do better. I am a better umpire than this. I am going to hustle and get into the right position. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I cannot see the play again.” I prayed and asked God to give me strength and help me do better. And He did. And then so did I. Even though I was still tired, I sensed an extra boost as soon as I began making the effort. I found that I was able to hustle, move, and get the right angle. God had given me exactly what I needed, but I still had to act on what He gave me. Before recovery, I probably would have promised myself that I would do better the next time I umpired. This time, I made the decision and immediately followed it with action. That showed me I have grown. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I even started to have fun working again.

The lesson for me was this: I do not have to beat myself up, but I do not have to stay the same either. I can do something. I can change. I have learned in recovery that I can change my mind and do something different right then. I do not have to wait for a new game. I do not have to wait for another day. I can make a change, put it into action, and begin practicing it right there on the spot. I cannot go back and undo a past mistake, but I can learn from it and do something different so I do not keep repeating it. And that is exactly what I did. I felt better about myself afterward too. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to recognize when I need to change and do something different. Give me the strength to do it right then. Thank you for always being faithful to help me. Amen.

Feeling Meh

Why Not Pray?

I kept waiting to feel different.
Nothing changed while I waited.
Something changed when I prayed.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I had been feeling kind of meh all week. I was a little irritable and just not quite myself. I was aware of it, and it bothered me a little, but not enough to really look at it. I had become complacent, allowing myself to be okay with not being okay. Other people seemed to notice too. Earlier in the day, someone tried to make me smile and someone else asked what was wrong because I was not smiling. Apparently, my normal is that I usually smile. Not a bad accusation. I realized that my meh attitude was leaking and my face showed it. I did not like that.

As I was driving home from work, I thought about those comments from earlier in the day. I did not want to stay meh any longer, but I did not know what to do about it. Then I had this crazy thought: Why don’t I pray? It was nothing miraculous or spiritually enlightening. I simply said, “God, help me stop feeling this way. Help me have a different attitude. Help me get my smile back.” The heavens didn’t open and angels didn’t descend on me, but almost immediately I started to feel better. The meh feeling began to dissipate. I felt at ease, and I felt a smile start to stretch across my face. I thought, I am going to have a good rest of the night. And I did.

After that, I began doing a spot inventory. Why had it taken me almost an entire week to do something about feeling off? Had I become comfortable with being complacent? Was I expecting something to change without doing anything to make it happen? That was insanity popping up again. Then I began asking myself harder questions. Why had prayer stopped being my first response? Why was I waiting until something felt off before I prayed? That is when I got honest with myself. I had to admit the truth: I had let prayer fall out of my daily routine. Missing my daily prayer time started to show, quietly surfacing in my attitude. I was irritable and uneasy, and I had lost my smile. Although I was aware of it, I did nothing to change it. I was expecting it to change on its own.

Step 11 gives me the solution: seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out. God is the one who helped me to this point. Did I think I would suddenly be able to carry on by myself? I still need His help every day. I did not need to go back and work all the steps over again. I simply needed to recognize what had happened, correct it, and move forward. When I pray, something changes in me. I may hide things from other people or even deny them to myself, but I cannot hide them from God. Prayer brings me honestly into His presence. It humbles me and makes me willing to change. I humbled myself, asked God to help me, and He did. He met my meh with grace and mercy, and I was changed. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me make time for daily prayer. Show me when complacency tries to set in, and give me the strength to seek You even when I do not feel like it. Amen.

Letting Go

Sometimes God doesn’t just teach me through the topic of a meeting. He asks me to practice it before the meeting is over.

And the Lord’s servant must not be a man of strife: he must be kind to all, ready and able to teach: he must have patience and the ability gently to correct those who oppose his message. He must always bear in mind the possibility that God will give them a different outlook, and that they may come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2:24-25

I attended a recovery meeting recently where the topic was letting go. The person leading opened by talking about surrendering to a higher power. They continued, saying that your higher power could be anything you wanted it to be. The group. Nature. Anything that you thought helped you. Immediately I felt myself getting edgy. And I sensed the need to defend the integrity of the program rise up inside of me. I thought “That is not what the literature says. That is not what the Twelve Steps teach.” I thought I am going to speak up so the other people in the group listening would not believe that nonsense, but instead know the truth. Hearing about that belief is what kept me from coming to recovery in the beginning. Somehow I thought it was my responsibility to set things straight. But that was the old me. I don’t act out my crazy thinking anymore.

Then it hit me. This meeting’s topic was about letting go. Why don’t I try to do that. So my next best thought was to simply leave the meeting. That way I wont cause a scene or any problems in the group. And that is when another thought entered my mind. It was a little bit firmer and direct. I know it was God. He said “Why don’t you let go of your desire to control this meeting? Let go of your desire to be right?” Instantly everything stopped. God had just given me an opportunity to practice it. I quietly chuckled to myself. The irony had not escaped me.

I quietly prayed, “Lord, help me to let go and listen. Help me get something out of this meeting.”

As I listened to others share their experience, strength, and hope, I found myself encouraged. I heard how people practiced letting go in practical ways. As I listened I realized that I was actually practicing letting go as I sat there. It was a real-life object lesson. I was a student, this was my classroom, and God was my teacher. I left the meeting grateful I was able to attend instead of resentful because some believed differently than I do.

I still believe, as the Big Book says, that there is no recovery apart from God. My convictions haven’t changed. What has changed is my understanding of what God was asking of me. He wasn’t asking me to correct others. He was asking me to surrender my own life and will to His care. I had to let go of my desire to control the meeting and trust Him to do what only He can do. The irony still makes me smile. I walked into a meeting about letting go. I assumed someone else needed the lesson, and I was the messenger. But I realized God had led me there to teach me.

I am the student.

Attraction Rather Than Promotion

I spent years trying to convince other people, only to push them away. As I allowed God to continue changing me, people began approaching me instead.

They may be won without words by the way you live… 1 Peter 3:1-2

I recently heard something that made me stop and think. I was attending one of those meetings where they crack open the books and talk about the Steps and Traditions. The topic that night was Tradition Eleven. While it is often associated with public relations and anonymity, it was the idea of attraction rather than promotion that caught my attention. I learned early that although the steps and traditions are written as we, I can still apply them as personal principles for how I live my life and relate to others. Before recovery, I was a zealous Christian minister. I loved talking about God and the Bible. I looked for every opportunity to steer conversations toward spiritual things. I even learned and practiced segues to transition conversations back around to what I wanted to talk about.

From the onset I saw how people in the rooms of recovery interacted. They read guidelines they followed before every meeting. These guidelines said we listen without interrupting while others are sharing. We don’t comment or offer advice on what others share. I became acutely aware that this was much different from how I attempted to communicate with people. While the other person was talking, I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to say, just waiting for a pause so I could jump in to say what I was thinking. My sponsor directed me to read some literature where I discovered that I had not been listening at all. I learned that what I was doing was referred to as manipulation and control.

I discovered I had been giving unsolicited advice, telling people what they should do, and pointing them toward what I believed was the truth. When people resisted or pulled away, I usually assumed the problem was with them. Maybe they weren’t ready. Maybe they lacked spiritual understanding. When I started practicing these principles in all my affairs, it reshaped how I began to approach people. Instead of trying to change them, I focused on allowing God to continue changing me. I worked my own inventory instead of everyone else’s. I learned to keep my opinions to myself unless someone asked. If they did ask, I tried to share only my own experience, strength, and hope. If I didn’t have anything to offer, I learned to remain silent and simply listen. This is how I began carrying the message to others.

Something unexpected happened as I started practicing these principles. Instead of chasing opportunities to speak about my beliefs, opportunities began finding me. As my behaviors began to change, people became curious. They approached me. They shared their stories. They asked me questions. I found that I no longer needed to force conversations or steer them where I wanted them to go. When the time was right, those conversations often went there naturally. I still enjoy talking about God and the Bible whenever the opportunity presents itself. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to force the opportunity. Being mindful of the phrase “attraction rather than promotion” became a practical reminder for me to stop trying to change other people and instead let God continue changing me. That is how I am learning to carry the message to others. This is the paradox. The very thing I desired to do, came to me when I stopped chasing it.

Recovery Principle

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion…Tradition Eleven

How Do I Do That?

Practicing Recovery

Practicing recovery usually begins with considering the possibility of a different response.

Don’t let evil get the upper hand, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:21

Where we live the water is not good for drinking. One of my weekly chores is to take our 5-gallon jugs and get them refilled. I recently stopped at the store to do that. Knowing I would need space to put the full jugs into my car, I pulled in to the parking slot, like I have done so many times before, giving myself plenty of room on both sides. I grabbed a shopping cart and placed all of my empty jugs into it, and headed to the water refill station. When I came back to my car, a big four-wheel-drive pickup had parked next to me. It was so close to my driver’s side that I couldn’t open my door and squeeze into my car. As I looked closer, I noticed a fresh ding and mark on my door with paint that matched the same color of the truck. I could tell exactly what had happened. I went around to the passenger’s side and crawled across the seats to the driver’s side. I started my car and moved it over so I would have enough room to load my water. While I was doing that, I felt resentment try to rear its ugly head and my mind was suddenly busy with vindictive thoughts. I thought about swinging my door into their truck and leaving a ding. I thought about turning the shopping cart upside down and leaving it behind their vehicle so they would have to deal with it. I even thought about leaving a really nasty note. Then, out of nowhere, another thought interrupted all that and came into my mind. I think it was God, but it sounded an awful lot like my sponsor, so you know what that means. It simply said, “This is a good chance to practice recovery.” At first that thought made me even angrier. How will they ever know they did me wrong?

As I thought about practicing recovery, I wasn’t even sure what that meant in this situation. The only thing I could think of was to load my water, return the shopping cart where it belonged, get in my car, and drive home. I didn’t have some profound spiritual experience standing there in the parking lot. I just knew I had a choice. I could pass along the frustration that had just been handed to me, or I could let it stop with me. So, that is just what I did. Whoever it was that parked next to me may not know or even care that they damaged my car and made my day more difficult. But that really wasn’t the point. What I am learning is that I don’t have to seek revenge when someone does me wrong or hurts me. I can choose a different response.

Before coming to recovery, someone else’s actions like this would usually determine mine. I would react and respond in kind. If they were rude, I was rude. If they hurt me, I wanted to hurt them right back. Tit for tat. An eye for an eye was my motto. But that is contrary to what I have learned so far in recovery. Surrendering my old thoughts to God and letting them go was practicing recovery. I was using the spiritual principles of the program. Like acceptance, self-control and forgiveness. I was thinking differently and considering a new approach to old feelings.

Today I am thankful, that with God’s help, I made a healthy choice. I did not act on the thoughts that started running through my head. I paused, took a breath and slowed down my thinking. I considered a different option. I feel like I won in that moment in the battle for control of my thinking and actions. I don’t owe an amends, and I didn’t retaliate or react. I didn’t do something I might regret later. And that’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

How can I practice recovery in my life today?

Why Did I Sigh?

Noticing My Reactions

The way I react is usually a clue to what’s going on inside me. It’s a good time to stop, take inventory, and ask God to show me what is really going on in my heart.

You should be looking at yourselves to make sure that you are really Christ’s. It is yourselves that you should be testing, not me… 2 Corinthians 13:5

The other day when I came home from work, my wife asked me if I had remembered to pick up our prescriptions from the pharmacy on my way home. I had forgotten. I sat down on the couch and a minute later she asked, “What’s wrong? Why are you upset?” I looked at her a little confused and said, “I’m not upset.” She said, “Then why did you sigh?” I asked, “I sighed?” “I don’t remember sighing.” She assured me I had. She thought I was frustrated with her and was being passive-aggressive. That got my attention because if that’s what she heard and thought, I needed to know why and examine my motives. That was my old manipulative behavior, so to me, that means inventory. I started asking myself some questions. Was I upset? No. Was I frustrated with my wife? No. Was I being passive-aggressive? I certainly didn’t think so. Then why did I sigh? Do I sigh so often that I don’t even notice? Is that normal for me? As I sat with it, I realized something. I do sigh a lot. Not just once in a while, but throughout the day. If I’m working on something that doesn’t go right, I sigh. If I forget something, I sigh. If I make a mistake, I sigh. I came to the conclusion that yes, I am a sigher, if that’s even a word. I still didn’t have an answer as to why I sighed though. So I decided to do a little research on why people sigh and what it may mean. What I discovered was enlightening, but not necessarily surprising.

I discovered people sigh for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s passive-aggressive when directed toward others. Sometimes it’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s emotional suppression. Sometimes it’s perfectionism. I saw a pattern that I related to. I didn’t usually sigh because someone else had upset me. I sighed because I was disappointed with myself. If I forgot something. If I made a mistake. If something didn’t go as I had planned. I would sigh out of frustration. I would think, “You could have done better.” It wasn’t anyone else saying it. It was me. My sigh wasn’t directed at anyone else. It was the sound of carrying the weight of not measuring up. I knew I was hard on myself, that wasn’t new. What I hadn’t realized was how often my body was expressing feelings I was not cognizant of. I started reflecting on what I was thinking and feeling right before I sighed. I realized my disappointment wasn’t really about forgetting something or making a mistake. Those were just the triggers. Underneath them was something much deeper. It was that old feeling that I am not good enough. I was subconsciously putting pressure on myself. And when I failed to meet my own unrealistic expectations of being perfect, I would sigh.

In recovery, I have learned this is what my sponsor calls a corrupt core belief of “I am bad.” Growing up, I learned to measure myself by how well I performed. If I could do things right, keep people happy, and not make mistakes, then maybe I would be good enough to not get in trouble. Living that way is exhausting. I never saw that before recovery. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I get this right?” I ask a different question. “What am I feeling right now? What am I believing about myself?” God has never asked me to earn His love and acceptance by being perfect. He simply asks me to trust Him, admit when I’m wrong, and make amends when necessary.

Now when I catch myself sighing, I pause. Instead of ignoring it, I pray and ask God for help. I do a spot-check inventory. I ask myself, “What am I feeling right now? What am I believing about myself?” If I uncover a lie, I ask God to help me surrender it. Then I ask Him to help me accept that I am enough even when I don’t feel that way. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me pay attention to what is really going on in my heart. Show me the lies I still believe about myself. Give me the courage to let them go. Remind me that Your truth is greater than my feelings. Help me accept that I am enough. Amen

Choosing On Purpose

I Don’t Have To Wait

I am not limited to merely reacting. I can choose on purpose how I respond.

I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have offered you life or death, blessings or curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants will live. Deuteronomy 30:19

I umpired a softball tournament this past weekend. It was hot and dry. I had nine games to umpire. One specific game was in the heat of the day. It was midday, the hottest part of the day and it was a boring game. I was bored because there was not much action, not a lot of hitting and poor pitching.

One of the things I enjoy about umpiring girls’ softball is the atmosphere. The girls sing their chants, the teams play music between innings and they have walk-up songs when they come to bat. It’s just a different environment. Standing there in the heat during this slow game, I remembered something I have learned in recovery. If something works, I can choose to do it whenever I want. I may not be able to control the circumstances, but I can choose how I respond to them. So I decided I was going to have some fun. I started dancing and singing along with the music. The fans started chanting, “Go Blue! Go Blue!” The crowd got a little louder and a little more engaged. The players started laughing and giggling and dancing too. I’m sure part of it was because I’m such a terrible dancer.

What struck me in that moment was how simple the decision was. Nothing about the game had changed. It was still hot. It was still slow. It was still the middle of the afternoon. The circumstances were exactly the same. The only thing that changed was me. For years I wasted too much time waiting for circumstances to improve before I allowed myself to enjoy something. I would wait for the stress to go away, the problem to be solved, or the situation to get better. I am learning that I don’t have to wait for things to improve before I decide to enjoy where I am. I don’t have to wait for an invitation or be told to do it. I can choose to have fun and be happy if I want to, regardless of the circumstances and situation.

The game eventually picked up. The teams started hitting, the pitching got better and the game became exciting. Then a nice breeze came through and brought relief from that dry heat. It felt amazing. I’m not saying those things all happened because I started dancing to the music. But I’m not saying they didn’t either. What I am saying is that life doesn’t have to be put on hold until everything is perfect. I am not limited to merely reacting. I can choose on purpose how I respond, even if that means having a little fun right in the middle of unpleasant circumstances. When I can do that, I am choosing life. I am choosing to live life. And it is surprising how often the circumstances seem to change when I choose to be alive in the moment.

Prayer

God, thank You for giving me life. Help me choose to live this life and enjoy it to its fullest each day. Teach me how to be fully present wherever my feet are. Amen.

Liking Me Too

An Unexpected Gift

The gift of recovery for me is realizing that I am still growing, healing, and changing, even after all these years.

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Philippians 3:12

At work recently, I sent a client a firm letter regarding an unpaid invoice. The bill was more than sixty days overdue, and the letter was our standard notice before sending an account to collections. The client happened to be a very good, regular client and close friends with one of our employees, so I casually asked if they knew whether there was a problem. It just didn’t seem like something this client would do. The employee shrugged and said, “How should I know?” Immediately, I felt bad. I thought I crossed a line for asking, so I apologized. I explained that it just seemed out of character for this client not to pay their bill. The employee then mentioned that they vaguely remembered the client making a payment when they first came in, but there was an adjustment to their invoice. That prompted me to do some digging. Sure enough, I discovered we had received the payment when they first came in, but it had never been applied to their invoice. The mistake was ours.

I corrected the account, applied the payment, and sent the client a receipt along with a brief email apology. Several days later the client came into the office. When I saw them, I walked over, explained what had happened, and apologized for the error. The client was gracious and seemed completely unbothered by the whole thing. Later that day, that same employee came up to me and said, “Thank you.” I smiled and asked, “For what?” She replied, “For being you. I really like the new you.” I thanked her and walked away, but her words stayed with me.

As I walked away, I felt something new rise up. The only way I could describe it is that I felt proud of myself. Not in an arrogant way, but in a healthy way. I felt grateful. Hopeful. Encouraged. Her words meant so much to me. The changes happening in me were obvious enough that someone else noticed without me pointing it out. I was happy. I was glad. I wasn’t just happy and glad that someone noticed. But the fact that someone else noticed meant these changes are real and not just imagined. I’m not thinking that things are different when they really aren’t. That was my old life. That was that denial self. This was different. It was tangible. Here is what is so cool and what I am grateful for. I have been practicing recovery for nineteen years. I am not the same person I was when I first walked into the rooms. God has changed so many things in my life over the years. Yet what struck me was that even now, after all this time, I am still growing and changing. Recovery is still working. God is still working on me.

Practicing the principles of recovery helps me see things I could never see on my own. Sometimes those discoveries come through inventory, prayer, journaling, or conversations with my sponsor. Other times they come through an unexpected comment from someone else. I just received an unexpected gift. Someone noticed the evidence of God’s work in my life. Their words reminded me that God is still helping me change. Just like He has been doing every day since I began this journey. I have not arrived or graduated from recovery. He is still changing me from the inside out. I am no longer the old man I used to be. I am becoming the man I always wanted to be. Today I can honestly say that I like the new me too.

Reflection

What evidence of God’s work in your life can you see today that you may not have recognized before?

Recognizing Old Behaviors

Seeing My Part

How do I know if I am practicing my recovery? When I can hear the truth about myself, even when it is not what I want to hear.

That you are to put away, as concerning your earlier way of life, the old man, which becomes evil by deceitful desires; And be made new in the spirit of your mind, And put on the new man, to which God has given life, in righteousness and a true and holy way of living. Ephesians 4:22-24

I recently had a conflict at work. An employee received a call from a client who questioned an invoice. She had decided that another employee made a mistake. I tried to calm her down and explain that we should find out what happened first before jumping to conclusions. The conversation shifted. The employee became defensive, argumentative, and interrupted me repeatedly. I got frustrated. The more I tried to explain, the more she argued. Eventually, I ended the conversation and walked away. Later, I spoke with her supervisor, asking if they could explain the concept to the employee. The supervisor agreed and made a passing comment that the employee and I seemed to be talking at each other instead of talking to each other.

To be honest, it would have been easy to just dismiss and ignore the comment. After all, the employee had been the one arguing. She had been the one refusing to listen. She even called the client back and threw me under the bus. It would have been easy to focus entirely on everything she had done wrong. I felt justified. But that is not recovery. Instead, I paused and thought about that comment the supervisor made. It resonated with me, not because it reflected the man I want to be today, but because I recognized traces of the man I used to be. One of the principles I have learned from working the steps is to look for my part in every conflict. Not because everything is my fault, but because in every conflict I have a part. It is up to me to be honest with myself and open-minded enough to find it.

As I thought about the situation, I realized that while I may have been right about the issue itself, I was no longer getting through to her. I was frustrated. I was repeating myself. I kept trying harder and harder to make my point. I realized that what I really wanted was for her to understand what I was trying to say. In my frustration, I had shifted into defensiveness, trying so hard to make my point that I stopped listening to understand. That is when I recognized I had drifted into old behavior.

What I am most grateful for today is not that the conflict was resolved. What I am grateful for is that I was able to hear the truth about my behavior in a passing comment without becoming defensive. Instead, I had a sincere desire to change and grow. Years ago, I would have spent all of my energy proving why I was right. Today, I am grateful that God has given me the willingness to look honestly at myself and to ask, “What is my part?” He has given me the courage to confront whatever it is and change. I am grateful that I know God is still working in my life because I can see things about myself today that I used to be blind to. That reminds me that He is not finished with me yet.

Reflection

Is there an old behavior you recognize in yourself that God may be asking you to address?