Where Do I See God Today?

His Gentle Whisper

I am noticing that God is often working in the small daily moments I usually overlook.

And after the fire came the sound of a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12

Recently my sponsor gave me an assignment that stumped me. Sponsors have a way of doing that, don’t they? He said he wanted me to answer a question. It seemed easy enough. The question was, “Where do you see God in your life today?” At first, I thought that was a simple question for me to answer and would be really quick. I have a close relationship with God. No problem. But when I sat down to actually think about it and write my answer, I got stuck. I think I was expecting some kind of deep spiritual answer. Something dramatic. Some big breakthrough moment or miracle story. Instead, I sat with that question for several days, praying and really thinking about it. Where do I see God in my life today?

My answer surprised me. I wasn’t seeing Him so much in the outward dramatic things. I was seeing Him inwardly, in the small changes happening inside of me. I see Him in my morning routine. In reading recovery literature and my devotional. In listening to recovery messages on my way to work. I see Him through the people who encourage me. And I see Him in the quiet moments where I just pause and think. It reminded me of Elijah in the cave when God showed him His voice wasn’t in the earthquake, the fire, or the wind, but in the still small voice. That’s where I see God today.

What really stood out to me was how much I see God now in the changes happening inside of me. I see Him when I pause instead of immediately reacting. I see Him when I choose not to send the snarky message I was thinking about sending. I see Him in the way my thinking has changed over time. Recovery has helped me become more aware of myself, my motives, my pride, and my tendency to try to control everything. Before recovery, I usually only looked for God in the huge moments of life. Now I’m learning to see Him in the small moments too. Things like when I have peace. When I show restraint. When I gain perspective. When I can see my own growth. And when I don’t insist things have to be done my way and I surrender control. That’s where I see God today.

I also realized something else while thinking about that question. I am usually much harder on myself than God is. I keep thinking I should be doing more, praying more, reading more, writing more, and accomplishing more. There is still a residue of that corrupt core belief that I am not good enough. But I have come so far from where I was when I started. When I honestly look at my life today compared to who I used to be, I can clearly see that God has been working in me this whole time. Not perfectly. Not instantly. But faithfully. He has been changing the way I think, the way I respond, and the way I live. He has been meeting me where I am and bringing me toward where He wants me to be. And maybe that was the answer to my sponsor’s question all along. I no longer only look for God in dramatic miracles. I see Him in the small daily changes happening inside of me. That’s where I see God today. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for helping me see You in my everyday life. Help me to slow down and recognize the ways You are working in me and around me. Teach me to trust the growth process, even when it feels small or slow. Thank You for continuing to change me one day at a time. Amen.

The Master Artist

Trusting the Process

God is the Master Artist turning my chaos into something beautiful.

I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this glorious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you and will put His finishing touches to it until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ! Philippians 1:6

I was meditating and praying about surrendering my will to God. Something that has never come naturally to me, because growing up I learned I couldn’t trust anyone. As I closed my eyes in consecration to God, I suddenly saw this picture in my mind of a white canvas sitting on an easel. But it wasn’t clean and untouched. Paint had been splattered all over it in every direction. Different colors everywhere. It looked messy, chaotic, and completely unorganized. The edges of the canvas were still white, but the middle was a mess. It looked ruined. Like nothing good could ever come from it. My first thought was that it should just be thrown away and started over.

Then I saw a Painter step up to the canvas. Not just any painter, but a Master Artist. He studied the mess closely and then began to work with it. He didn’t throw the canvas away. He didn’t cover it up or pretend the mess wasn’t there. He started shaping the paint already on the canvas. Adding shadows, highlights, texture, and definition. He brought order to what looked random and chaotic. It started becoming something new and intricate. What once looked ruined started becoming beautiful and valuable. By working through the mess already on the canvas, He was creating something new that nobody else could imagine.

That’s when it hit me. God is that Master Artist, and I am that canvas. The paint represents the mess I made of my life. The mistakes. The wrong choices. The regrets. The places where things feel broken, confusing, and out of place. When I look back over my life, sometimes all I see is the mess. My best thinking tells me to quit, give up, or throw the whole thing away. But God doesn’t see my life the way I do. He sees the finished picture. He sees what He had in mind from the very beginning. He is not discouraged by the mess I made, because He already sees the painting He wants to unveil.

I’m learning that surrender is trusting Him as the Artist even when I don’t understand the process. I don’t have to clean the canvas before bringing it to Him. I don’t have to know what the finished picture will be or even look like. I don’t have to figure out how all the colors will fit together. My part is simply to place my life in His hands and trust Him with it. Because God has a way of turning my mess into a masterpiece.

Prayer
Father, thank You for not giving up on me when my life looked like a mess. Help me to trust You with the things I still don’t understand. Teach me to surrender to You and trust what You are doing in me and with me. Amen

I’m Not Who I Was

Not Defined By My Past

My identity isn’t who I was then. It’s who I am now.

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

I’ve lived long enough to know what it feels like to be hurt. I’ve experienced difficulties, pain and trauma, even some health issues and concerns. People have hurt and mistreated me. I have been tricked, lied to and taken advantage of. I have survived experiences that left a lasting mark. They’ve caused wounds, and those wounds have left scars behind. But none of those things define me. They are unfortunately just the toll of life.

What I love about recovery is that it gives me practical tools and new skills to use. They help me heal and recover from the wounds and scars. It’s not salve that magically heals everything, nor is it a catch-all for every problem or situation. But it provides me with a different way of thinking. It teaches me to approach life differently. I am not a victim. I am not damaged or broken. I am not ruined or irreparable because of the things that have happened to me. Instead, I approach life as a whole person who has had bad things happen to me. And when I see myself that way, I’m able to confront, deal with and recover from the damage that was left behind.

I call that emotional collateral damage. It is what has happened to me as a result of the trauma and abuse that I experienced as a child. Those wounds, although sometimes still very painful, can be healed completely. It’s not like a surgery where they go in and remove the problem organ, and it’s all gone in one moment. This kind of healing is a process. It takes time. The damage and scars didn’t develop suddenly overnight and they’re not going to go away suddenly overnight either. This is what the Bible describes as the renewing of the mind and the saving of the soul. It’s a process that takes time as I grow into the full nature of a child of God.

And that’s where I live today. I’m not pretending those things didn’t happen, but I’m not letting them define me anymore either. I’m learning how to deal with what’s been left behind, one layer at a time. Sometimes that looks like choosing a different response when I feel hurt. Sometimes it’s simply talking about what I’m feeling instead of holding it in. Some days are harder than others. Some wounds are still tender and hurt when something hits them. But I’m not stuck there like I used to be. I’m healing. Not all at once, but steadily. I’m not who I was, and I’m not stuck where I’ve been. I’m moving forward into what God has for me.

Prayer
Father God, thank You for being my healer. Help me to face the hurts from my past instead of avoiding them. Give me strength to walk through them. Guide me and help me as I continue moving forward in You. Amen.

Putting It Into Practice

I used to look down on devotionals… now I’m writing one. God has a sense of humor.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

When I was early in my walk with the Lord, I used to look down on people who read daily devotionals. I thought that they were less spiritual. That they didn’t know how to read the Bible for themselves or seek God for themselves. They needed a book to guide them. It was pride and arrogance. I won’t deny that.

When I got into recovery, I leaned on those daily devotionals. They helped me to see things differently. They introduced ideas and concepts to me that I had never thought about. Many times reinforcing beliefs I already had but didn’t know how to put into practice at the time. And by reading about how someone else had dealt with something, it gave me an example or a model to try. And I found much success in doing so.

God has a sense of humor. This past year I have felt inspired and led by Him to write devotionals, which I’m doing. He has also shown me how they will be developed into a 365 day, daily devotional book. These postings on social media are a sample of those writings. I find that I’m growing more in writing them too. I feel like I now have an outlet for sharing with others the things He is revealing in me and has shown me. That was something that had previously frustrated me for many years. The feeling that I had all these deposits from Him inside me with no one to share them with.

I’m thankful that God never gave up on me. That He led me and guided me all the way. Even when I was obstinate and difficult. When I was rebellious. He was there the whole time. He was taking whatever I would give Him and working with it. I’m grateful that He led me to recovery where I found the balance between spiritual insight and practical application. I love Him so much for that. And when I reflect on how He’s now using me to write daily devotionals, I see His sense of humor being displayed in my life.

Prayer
Father, thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for showing me how to put into practice and share what You are showing me. Amen.

Not Doing What I Believe

A simple question exposed something deeper in me.

If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. John 13:17

I recently had someone ask me a question that challenged my faith and my beliefs. They weren’t doing it intentionally. They simply asked a question about something I wrote in my book. I thought about it for a moment. It was such a simple question: “What is your gift?” I was silenced. I had no response. I was stuck trying to grasp the question. I thought, What is my gift? I told them how God has used me in the past, but I was dumbfounded to come up with an answer to that question as it relates to me now.

Why was it so hard for me to answer that question? It’s because inside, I know I am not doing my gift. I’m not walking in what I feel God wants me to do. And that’s why I had no answer. I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to make something up. I didn’t want to be dishonest. So instead of saying something that I may no longer believe or that I no longer see in my life, I was silent. Finally, I answered with the gifts God has given me, and I thought about how active those really are in my life today. And what I came up with was this: I am not doing what I believe. That was hard to swallow. Very hard. I didn’t need to do any writing about this one. I didn’t need to pray and seek God about it either. I already knew I wasn’t surrendering all areas of my life to God.

I’m grateful that recovery teaches me to look at my progress and not perfection. So I don’t beat myself up or condemn myself for not being perfect or for not surrendering every area of my life to God at one time. Today, I’m thankful that I saw another area in my life that I can surrender. This one’s going to take some time though. It’s not going to be easy either, because it deals with my core beliefs and values. But I’m confident that God is faithful, and just as He showed me this area to surrender, He will provide me the wisdom and strength to do so as well.

Prayer
God, help me surrender all areas of my life to You and live what I truly believe. Give me the strength and courage to face and overcome the obstacles that hinder me from doing so. Help me to do Your will. Amen.

Seeking Approval

God Has Already Given It

I’m learning to stop chasing approval from people who may never give it… and instead lean into the approval God has already given me.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Galatians 1:10

Why do I seek approval from those who don’t or won’t give it? And yet I discount or dismiss approval from those who do? Why does the approval I can’t get seem to matter more than the approval I already have? When I think about it, the ones I am seeking approval from are parent figures and authority figures. And the ones who are willing to give it, I tend to dismiss or minimize, because they’re not the ones I’m seeking approval from.

This awareness doesn’t solve my problem, nor does it fix it. But it does cause me to realize that it’s a me issue and not a them issue. Granted, those parental figures who refuse to give approval have a part to play, but that’s their part. That’s not always easy for me to accept. I want it to be about them. I want them to change so I can feel better. That would be a lot easier. But by working the steps of recovery, I’m learning that I need to focus on my part. I cannot change them, no matter how hard I try. Trying only leaves me frustrated and puts me in a position where I’m tempted to manipulate and control to get my emotional needs met. My feelings get hurt and I feel less than again. That’s all about me.

Recovery has helped me climb out of that pit. By focusing on myself and what I can do. By focusing on what is within my power, and what I need to do to see that change happen. I know I have God’s approval, and when I think about that, it helps me keep things in perspective. Who is more of an authority or parental figure than God? If I have His approval, then I don’t need theirs the same way. I don’t have the solution for this right now. I only have a guide that leads me down a path toward peace. I realize this is about me and my core issues. I sometimes still feel less than and need approval. And because I can see that, I know the solution also lies within me, even if I’m not fully aware of it yet. But I have hope. Because of the tools and principles I’ve learned in recovery, and because of God helping me, I know I won’t stay stuck here. He will help me change.

Reflection
What would change if I truly believed I already have God’s approval?

Put Down the Magnifying Lens

Pick Up The Mirror

When I put down the magnifying lens and picked up the mirror, things started to change.

If we honestly examine and evaluate ourselves then we will not be judged and punished. 1 Corinthians 11:31

One of the biggest aha moments I have had since starting recovery is seeing how the Bible talks so much about recovery. It may use different terminology, but it is absolutely recovery principles. Not surprising to me, as I have since learned that the 12 Steps were based on the Bible and are outlined in order in the beatitudes. Now I see recovery everywhere in the Bible, like this verse here. It tells me that if I look at and evaluate myself honestly and judge myself, I will not have to be judged and punished. I got hung up on the word judge in this verse until I looked it up and saw that it means if I examine myself and change, I will not be condemned. This is talking about doing an honest moral inventory, changing behaviors, and making amends. That sounds a lot like recovery just in different language. But it’s the same principle.

Too many times I used to judge others instead of myself. I was looking at what others had done to me and not at what I had done to them. I would look at myself and try to see what I had done, but I would dismiss my actions and behaviors because I had good intentions. I meant well. So I would justify my actions instead of looking at how I could change them. Good intentions did not excuse my actions or dismiss my bad behavior. That sounds a whole lot like denial to me. I once heard someone say, Once I put down the magnifying lens and picked up the mirror, my life got a lot better.

In my Christian life I’ve heard many teachings about the idea of actions versus intentions. I would walk away thinking that when I see others’ actions, I should consider their intentions and offer them grace and understanding. I see now that I missed the underlying point. The axiom is: why do I judge others by their actions while I judge myself by my intentions? I would pose a new thought process: don’t let my intentions justify my actions. Instead, let me look at my actions strictly as my actions in spite of my intentions. When I keep the focus on me and look at how I can better myself in these situations, I can always see that I have a part. My part may be anywhere from 1% to 100%, but I definitely have a part. And that’s the part I have to deal with.

Reflection

Where can I look in the mirror instead of through the magnifying lens?

A Better Father Than Me

Through My Children

The way I love my children helped me understand how God loves me.

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what’s best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:11

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of a loving, caring God. It’s hard for me to believe that God would care for me regardless of, or even in spite of, the things I do. That He would love and accept me for who I am. I start to ask myself why. Why would God have compassion for me? Why would He be there? Why would He help me? Why would He even want to? And honestly, it’s held me back in my life. I want to believe it, but I never saw it modeled in my life, so I don’t even know what it would look like.

I was pondering this today and I started thinking about my children and how I would do anything for them within my power. If there was anything they needed or wanted, I would do whatever I could to make it happen. If they’re in trouble or something’s bothering them, I want to know, because I care about them. I love them. And if there’s anything I can do to help or ease their pain, I would do it. That’s when the aha moment hit. God cares for me the same way. After reflecting on that, I realized the fact that I even have that comparison to think about parenthood and God came from God to help me and give me perspective. He is so good.

When I started to put that into perspective, I realized God is probably a better parent than I am. So if I have those feelings toward my children, and I would do anything within my power to help them, to love them, to care for them, to accept them, even if they were mad at me or even if they refused, I would still be willing and available. Why wouldn’t God be the same toward me? My obvious conclusion is He would, and probably even more so. What I’ve found is I am my worst critic. I am hard on myself. I judge myself. I consider myself not worthy. But when I look at my children, I realize there is nothing they could ever do that would cause me not to love them or care for them. Nothing. That allows me to be more gentle with myself. It helps me accept that God will never reject me, that He loves me, that He cares for me, and that He’s always there willing to help me. That matters because it gives me confidence to ask Him for help, knowing He’s there when I do. That’s part of the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What would change if I actually believed God cares for me the way I care for my children?

I Cannot Tell His Story

Peace Through Perspective

I can’t tell his story. But I can change mine.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

What I knew about my dad was that he was a master sergeant in the Marines. He trained paratroopers. He was injured on a jump when one of the lines sliced him, leaving a scar across his abdomen. Although he never identified himself as an alcoholic, I know he drank a lot, and when he drank, he got drunk. And when he was drunk, he was often mean and violent. That’s what I experienced growing up. There were times when he wasn’t like that. But there were many times when he was. He was estranged from his biological children, and I believe he carried resentment from that into our home. For most of my life, that’s the story I told myself about him.

As I’ve gone through recovery, I’ve started to see how much of that experience shaped me. He demanded things be done right. Not just done, but done perfectly. I remember washing his diesel truck and missing a few spots on the grill. He inspected my work and instead of having me fix that one area, I had to wash the entire rig again. Hours of work, over something small. The same thing happened with mowing the lawn. It had to be cross cut, then diagonal cut. It had to be done a certain way, and if it wasn’t right, I had to start over. That mindset stayed with me. I learned to strive for perfection. I learned that getting it wrong meant starting over. And while that shows up today in doing things well, it also shows up as pressure and an impossible standard I can’t always meet. I have learned those were unrealistic expectations.

After I got into recovery and started working through the steps my sponsor pointed out something I didn’t want to see or admit. He said that I seemed to have a hatred for my dad. I denied it. I was a Christian and I didn’t have hate in my heart for anybody. But as I worked through the steps, I found that there was hatred in my heart for him. My sponsor suggested I do a fourth step just on my dad. So I did. It was a very long fourth step. It took me months.

In doing that, I realized something that changed everything for me. I cannot tell my dad’s story. Outside of what I experienced, I knew very little about him. That helped me begin to see him as a person instead of a monster. I’m not excusing what he did. But when I started to understand there was more to him than what I saw, I began to develop compassion for him. I just wish I had come to that place before he passed.

Recovery has given me a way to make amends to him even though he’s no longer here. I make a living amends by changing how I live. By letting go of the resentment. By choosing to see the good in him and not defining him by his struggle with alcohol. By accepting him as my dad, the man who raised me. Most of my life I called him my stepdad. I kept that distance. Today, I call him my dad. I love him for who he was, not what I wished him to be. And there is a peace in that I can’t fully explain. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me to be honest about what’s in my heart. Give me the courage and strength to let go of the resentments and pain I’ve carried, and help me offer forgiveness instead. Thank You for the healing and peace that comes with that. Amen.

Connection Over Control

I didn’t realize how much I was trying to control connection… until I saw it in my dog.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… Psalm 37:7

This morning, I had another lesson from my dog. She’s a golden retriever and has the sweetest temperament. Every morning, I sit in my La-Z-Boy chair with my coffee and finish up my writing from the night before. In that quiet stillness, I lean back, put the footrest up, grab my laptop, and start typing. Like clockwork, within about thirty minutes, she walks in and sits right in front of me. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t make a sound. She just sits there and waits. When I’m done writing, I put the laptop down, drop the footrest, and call her over. I already know what she wants.

I reach down and pet her, love on her, hug her, pray over her, speak blessings over her, and tell her I love her. And when I’m done, she just walks away into the other room. What she wanted was connection. She wanted to be touched. She knew exactly what she wanted. And she let that need be known without demanding it. She showed up, sat there, and waited patiently for me to respond. God spoke to me through that. The lesson I got from that was simple and equally profound. She didn’t force anything. She didn’t act out. She simply made her need known, and then she trusted enough to wait for it. She trusted me to meet her need.

It made me stop and look at myself. Do I trust God that way with my needs? Do I just show up and patiently wait for His goodness? How many times do I not even let my needs be known? Or when I do, I come across demanding or frustrated instead of honest and vulnerable. How often am I unwilling to wait for what I want or need? Do I revert to old behaviors and shut down or try to force outcomes?

But today I saw something different. It was a simple object lesson for me. There’s a way to be honest about what I need without pressure, without control, and without fear. What I realized is… I want connection too. But a lot of times I’m either afraid to ask for it, or I try to force it on my terms and my timeline. And when it doesn’t come the way I expect, I miss it completely. I am seeing that it’s not about controlling how it comes. It’s about really being honest, showing up, and trusting God enough to receive it however and whenever it comes. That’s what I’m learning in recovery. Just being real about what I need, letting go of control, and trusting God with the timing.

Prayer
Father, help me to be honest about what I need. Teach me not to hide it or try to force it. Show me how to trust You and be patient with Your timing. Help me receive what You give, the way You give it. Thank You. Amen.

What Was So Good About Friday?

What felt like the worst day of my life… became the turning point.

Why do we call it Good Friday? It’s the day Jesus Christ died for our sins. It’s the day He paid the price for everything that had gone wrong. That’s what we’ve been told. That’s what we know. But if you really think about it… there was nothing good about that day when it was happening.

It was betrayal, pain, and loss. Jesus was in agony, knowing what was coming. He was betrayed by one of His own, denied by another, and left alone by the rest. He was beaten, mocked, falsely accused, and sentenced to die. There was nothing about that moment that felt good. It looked like the worst possible outcome.

And honestly… I’ve had a day like that too.

A time in my life where everything fell apart. I felt lost, broken, and alone. I couldn’t think straight. I cried more than I ever had. I felt abandoned, unloved, and unwanted. I didn’t want to live… but I didn’t have the courage to die. That was my bottom. That was my version of a “Good Friday,” and there was nothing good about it when I was in it.

But looking back now… I see it differently.

That was the place where everything started to change. That pain brought me to a place where I was finally willing to do something different. It humbled me enough to admit I needed help, and gave me just enough willingness to ask for it. That’s where recovery started for me. Not when things got better… but when everything broke.

I believed in God before that, but I hadn’t surrendered. Not really. When I finally did—when I let go of trying to control everything and started trusting Him—that’s when my life began to change.

So when I think about why it’s called Good Friday… I understand it now.

Not because it felt good. Not because it looked good. But because of what came out of it.

That was my Good Friday.

Reflection:

Have you had a “Good Friday” moment when life broke you enough to make you reach out for help? How did God meet you in that moment?

He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Faith That Shows Up

Trusting the Process

I used to think faith was something I believed. Now I’m learning it’s something I do. Showing up, even for 15 minutes, changed more than I expected.

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. Hebrews 11:1

The topic in my meeting last night was, what does faith mean to me. I paused for a moment, because sometimes I can get stuck on how something is said and completely miss the meaning and intent. So, I decided to try and consider what was really being asked instead. I used to only attribute faith to biblical principles and ideas. But the phrasing of the question, and listening to others share, got me thinking about it differently. I wanted to identify the practical application of faith, especially as it relates to my recovery. As I listened, I was reminded of when I first started recovery and hearing the phrase, “Keep coming back, it works.” Honestly, that sounded cute, but it didn’t make much sense to me at the time. How was going to a meeting and listening to other people’s problems going to fix anything around me? I was looking for answers to my own problems, not take on someone else’s too. I wanted to figure things out and control the situation. But something in me was willing to take a chance anyway. This was something new, something I knew nothing about. It was a risk. It meant trusting something that didn’t make sense. It was a paradox.

I remember one time I showed up late to a meeting because of work and everything else going on. I only caught the last 15 minutes. I almost didn’t go. I thought, what’s the point? Drive all the way there just for it to be over. But I went anyway and I stayed. And I got something out of those 15 minutes. Honestly, I got a lot out of it. After the meeting, my sponsor told me something I’ve never forgotten. He said, a little bit of recovery is better than no recovery at all. That stuck with me. Showing up like that, going anyway just for 15 minutes, that was faith. Staying after the meeting and talking with my sponsor was faith. It was doing the next right thing. It was taking action even when I didn’t feel like it or understand it. That is what faith means to me.

What I’ve found is that when I keep coming back, something starts to change. Not everything around me, but something inside me. I begin to change. And even when that wasn’t my original goal, it became the result. Faith, for me, is being willing to trust the process, even when everything in me is telling me otherwise. It’s believing something good can come out of all the pain of my past, even when I don’t see it yet. It’s practical. It shows up in action, in willingness, going to meetings and working the steps. And little by little, I see it working. My life has gotten better one step, one action at a time.

Prayer
Father, help me to trust You even when it doesn’t make sense. Give me the willingness to show up and take the next right step. Teach me how to live this out in my daily life. Amen.

Self Reliance

Back to Basics

I still need God. I still need people. That hasn’t changed.

Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. Proverbs 3:5

I was recently asked to share at a beginners meeting. What I heard in the readings was this reminder: go to meetings and share when I can, get a sponsor, work all the Steps in order starting with Step One, read recovery literature every day, and use the phone between meetings. And I saw something subtle lurking inside me. It’s easy for me to become complacent as things get better. As I experience more peace and happiness, I can drift and forget what brought me here. It reminded me why I came to recovery in the first place. It reminded me not to become complacent, not to drift, not to start thinking I did this on my own. If I could have found this peace and happiness through my own self-reliance, I would have. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It eluded me at every turn, no matter how much I longed for it.

Realizing that I need God and other people humbles me. It keeps me simple. It keeps me seeking. It reminds me I haven’t arrived and I don’t have it all together. That kind of thinking leads me right back to relapse. It takes me back to old behaviors and a life I no longer want. I need this. I need Him. I need people.

So what do I do? I pray. I sincerely pray and seek God for His will, His wisdom, and His direction in my life. I choose to accept the changes He wants to make in me. I reach out to other people and am vulnerable, sharing my true self. That keeps me humble. It pushes back pride. Living this way has brought me what matters most to me now. Something I longed for my whole life but didn’t even know I was missing. That is connection. Real relationships. First with God, and then with other people. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to continue doing the next right thing. Help me keep doing what I did in the beginning. Thank You for reminding me that I need not only You but others. Give me the courage to continue this journey and keep reaching out and seeking help. Amen.

Why I Need to Be Right

Hearing vs Proving

I didn’t realize how much I needed to be right… until I saw how it kept me from actually listening.

My dear brothers and sisters, always be willing to listen and slow to speak. Do not become angry easily. James 1:19

I was having a conversation with a friend, and we had different opinions about something. It wasn’t heated, we just saw things differently and were discussing it. At one point, we were both talking at the same time, neither one of us really listening. I remember saying, “You’re not listening. You keep interrupting me.” That was when our discussion turned into an argument. And I was convinced they were the problem.

Later, I prayed about it. I was seeking God’s wisdom about the situation. But I was also asking God to show me how I was right and they were wrong. But instead, God showed me something different. He showed me I was doing the exact same thing. When I was saying that they were not listening and kept interrupting me, I was talking over them too. I wasn’t listening either. And what He really showed me was a shift in my mindset. Instead of saying, “You’re not listening,” I could have said, “I feel like I’m unheard. I feel like what I say doesn’t matter.” That’s different. That would have been more honest and vulnerable. Because I really don’t know what’s going on inside of them, but I do have an idea of what’s going on inside me.

I also know that is recovery. Keeping the focus on me. Staying on my own side of the street. Keeping my nose on my own face. Using I and me statements instead of you. When I shifted my perspective to what I was feeling instead of what they were doing, I saw it. I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough again. That is my character defect being hit. It really had nothing to do with my friend at all. I was feeling unimportant and unheard. That is all me. What really stood out to me was this. I was able to listen when God corrected me, but I wasn’t willing to listen to my friend. With God, I was submitted, open, and willing to hear. But in that conversation, I was more focused on being right than being willing. It makes me think… if I had approached my friend with that same posture, with more humility and respect, I might have actually been able to listen to them in the first place.

When that feeling of not being good enough gets triggered, I start trying to prove myself instead of just being honest about what I feel. With God’s help and the tools of recovery, I am seeing that more clearly. Praying about it helped me pause, take inventory, and give it over to God. But it also showed me something else. The same way I’m willing to listen when God corrects me, I want to start bringing that same willingness into my conversations with other people. Not trying to prove I’m right, but being willing to hear. Being willing to pause. Being willing to stay open. I don’t have to fix the other person. I just have to stay honest about what’s going on in me and be willing to listen. And that changes everything. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, Teach me how to listen and understand. Help me keep my focus on what’s going on in me, not others. Keep me honest, open, and teachable. Thank You. Amen.

The Battle For Peace

Taking Thoughts Captive

I’m learning that I can have peace in spite of what’s happening around me. It comes from what I’m thinking about.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I didn’t realize how important my thinking was. I really started to see this when I started working through the steps. I used to think my thoughts just happened, and I had no control over them. But I’m learning that’s not true. I have a part in what I think about. I can choose what I give my attention to. That may sound simple, maybe even a little repetitive, but it’s real. When I keep going over negative thoughts, fear, and everything that could possibly go wrong, I feel it. It shows up in my body, my attitude, and how I respond to people. But when I start focusing my attention on what is good, what is right, what builds me up, something changes. I start to feel peace rise within me.

Paul talks about this in Philippians. He doesn’t tell me to control everything around me. He points me back to what I’m thinking about. He tells me to think on what is true, good, pure, and worth holding onto. Not everything that could fall apart or go wrong. Because when I let my mind run wild, it will gravitate toward fear, worry, and the what ifs. Then that’s exactly what I start to feel. But when I bring my thinking back to what is right and what God says, there’s a peace that shows up that I can’t explain. I didn’t figure it out. I didn’t earn it. I just stopped feeding the wrong thoughts and started agreeing with the right ones.

This really is a battle, and it’s happening in my mind. I don’t get to sit this one out. Thoughts come in that don’t line up with who God is or what He says about me. Things like I’m not good enough, something bad is about to happen, or I’m not going to make it. When that happens, I’m learning to catch it and deal with it right there. I hold it up against the truth. If it doesn’t line up, I don’t keep it. I let it go. I tell myself no, that’s not true. Then I go back to what God says. That’s how I take thoughts captive. And little by little, peace starts to fill my mind and my heart. I walk and live in that peace, and I experience the promise of serenity. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to pay attention to what I’m thinking about. Show me when I’m agreeing with fear instead of truth. Teach me to come back to what You say. Thank You for Your peace. Amen.