He is God. I am Not

Seeing His Leading

Sometimes God’s direction looks like disappointment before I recognize that He is leading me.

A man’s mind plans his way [as he journeys through life], But the Lord directs his steps and establishes them. Proverbs 16:9

Before recovery, I wanted to seek God, but I wanted to do it on my terms. I had been hurt by church leaders and had decided I would have a relationship with God without going to church. I was willing to follow Him as long as He did not lead me back there. When I started recovery, I knew I was supposed to get a sponsor. There was one man, whom I immediately gravitated toward. He talked openly about God, and it was obvious to me that his relationship with Him was real. Here was my guy. He was someone who genuinely knew God without all the church stuff that I was trying to avoid. So, I asked him to sponsor me. He said no. I was hurt and offended. I felt just like I did when I was hurt by those church leaders. But God had something else in mind.

A few days later I showed up for one of my regular meetings only to find out it had been canceled. I desperately needed a meeting. I was lonely and honestly felt like acting out. On the way home, I saw a sign for a new recovery meeting happening that night. There was only one problem. It was at a church. Ugh. I had purposely avoided any recovery meeting held in a church. It hurt too much to even think of walking back into a church. I reluctantly walked in. A man greeted me at the door and asked what brought me there. I said, “Umm… I wanted to come to a recovery meeting.” He smiled and said, “Great. I have been waiting for you.” I could not get those words out of my mind. I listened intently when he shared, and I related to what he said. I came back the next week and asked him to sponsor me. He agreed to be my “temporary sponsor.” He was the first person I ever truly, fully trusted.

Working honestly through the steps with my sponsor, God began healing past hurts and wounds. I was able to let go of the resentments I carried toward church, and eventually I even started attending church again. More importantly, I began to feel free and clean before God again. I was no longer afraid to come before Him and be vulnerable in His presence. I had not felt that kind of freedom with God in a very long time.

I have heard people say many times in recovery that God did for them what they could not do for themselves. Looking back, I can see Him doing that for me. I chose the sponsor who fit my plan, and he said no. The meeting I planned to attend was canceled. The meeting I would never have chosen was at a church, and the man God used to change my life was waiting for me there. What I could not see then was that God had been directing my steps the whole time. I am very grateful for my sponsor. My life is truly better because of the work we have done together. I believe it would never have happened if God had not been doing for me what I could not do for myself. I am deeply thankful to Him for that.

He is God, and I am not.

Reflection

Am I still trying to seek God on my own terms? Where do I see Him moving in my life?

6-7

Not Whatever

I stopped asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stopped trying to do what only He can do.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

The other day I heard someone say 6-7 to me. I chuckled to myself. 6-7 has become a popular phrase lately and seems to be everywhere. From what I understand, people often use it to mean something like, either way, one or the other, whatever, it doesn’t really matter. There is even a hand motion that goes along with it that looks like weighing two options back and forth. When I hear 6-7, it means something entirely different to me.

In recovery, I call Steps 6 and 7 the change steps. They are all about change. Step Six says, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Seven says, “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” There is nothing indecisive or ambiguous about that. In fact, Step Six confronts my indecision. Was I really ready to let go of my old ways? I wanted God to change things in my life without me having to change. I wanted relief from consequences. I wanted relationships to get better. I wanted other people to behave differently. I wanted peace, but I was not ready to surrender the attitudes and behaviors that were stealing my peace. I knew my character defects were causing problems in my life. I was tired of the consequences. I even prayed continually for God to change me. But being tired of the consequences, or even wanting God to change me, was not the same thing as me actually being ready and willing to change. I wanted the pain to stop but wasn’t entirely ready to surrender what was causing it.

That is why Step Six matters so much to me. It asks a very direct question: Am I entirely ready? Not, am I tired of the consequences? Not, do I wish things were different? Not, do I know this behavior is unhealthy? Am I ready for God to remove it? I had to ask myself what I was still getting out of those defects. What need was being met? Control made me feel safe. Anger made me feel powerful. Being right helped hide my low self-esteem. People-pleasing made me feel accepted. I hated what these things were doing to my life but was unable to surrender them. It was scary to consider letting them go. What would I do? How would I protect myself? Step Six forced me to stop living in maybe, maybe not, either way, whatever. I had to become entirely willing.

Then came Step Seven. I had to humbly ask God to take away those defects of character, attitudes, and behaviors. I identified them. I admitted what they were costing me. I became willing to let them go. But I also had to let God do in me what I had been unable to do for myself. Asking Him to remove them did not mean God would do my part for me. I still had to do my part. I had to practice different responses, take inventory, make amends, listen when someone pointed out something I did not want to hear, and make different choices when the same situations came around again.

So I have my own meaning for 6-7. Six says, “I am willing.” Seven says, “God, I need Your help.” Neither one leaves room for whatever. Six and Seven call me out of indecision and into surrender. I stop asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stop trying to do what only He can do.

Reflection

What am I asking God to change in me that I am still unable to let go of?

What need is being met?

Barometer of Truth

Denial as Default

Just because something doesn’t make sense to me doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Not at all! Depend on it: God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth. Romans 3:4

For most of my life, before I joined recovery and started to actively work through the steps, I had inadvertently made myself the barometer for what was true. If something made sense to me, if it lined up with what I already knew and believed, then I would accept it. If it didn’t, I questioned it and usually found some reason to reject it. I thought I was being wise and using discernment. I was really just being arrogant and close-minded. I was relying on myself to determine truth.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, I learned that I couldn’t trust what others said. I had to determine for myself what was true. People I trusted often misspoke, made things up or simply lied, and there never seemed to be any consequences for it either. That just didn’t seem right to me. How could I ever trust someone who lied all the time? So, I learned to trust my own judgment. The problem was, I was still a child when I developed this way of determining what was true. I had limited knowledge, limited experience, and no healthy model to follow. I had to come up with my own way of figuring things out, and that became the foundation for how I judged everything. If something didn’t align with my knowledge, experience, and beliefs, I couldn’t accept it. I would reject it outright. Without realizing it, I had become the barometer for truth.

That contributed to me remaining in denial for so long. There were things about myself, the way I behaved, and what others said about me that I inherently knew were true. I wanted to change, I just didn’t know how to, so I refused to accept them as truth. If I admitted they were true then that meant I had to do something about them. But what? Instead, I told myself that was just their opinion. So denial became my default. Even though I would vehemently deny I was in denial. But the simple truth was I didn’t know how to fix it. Pretending it isn’t true and secretly hoping it would change on its own seemed like a reasonable option. That way I wouldn’t go crazy. The irony is, I had insane thinking. I just didn’t know it yet.

Working through the steps helped me with that, but honestly, “helped me” is euphemistic. Working the steps forced me to confront the truth, especially the truth about myself. With the help of my sponsor, I began to understand that I didn’t have to know how to fix something before admitting that it was true. I learned to accept reality, own my part, and trust God to show me what to do with it.

I don’t have to understand something before accepting that it could be true. I could be wrong. I could misunderstand something, which is very often the case. There are many things I don’t know, and that’s okay. My knowledge and experience are no longer the determining factor for what I am willing to accept. Before recovery, if something didn’t make sense to me, I rejected it. Today I am willing to consider that the problem wasn’t what was true. The problem was my way of thinking. I am not the barometer of truth anymore. God is. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to keep trusting You, for You are always truthful. Teach me to accept what is true about me, even when it’s uncomfortable and I don’t like what I see. Help me to change my thinking to become more like You. Amen.

First Instinct

A New Heart

Being thankful even when circumstances are out of my control is how I know recovery is working in my life.

And I will give you a new heart, I will give you new and right desires, and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love. Ezekiel 36:26

It was a sweltering hot day in the middle of a heat wave, and I had been umpiring all day. Around two o’clock, in the middle of my fourth game, it seemed like it couldn’t possibly get any hotter, but somehow it did. The game was slow and boring, and I was having a hard time staying interested and keeping my attention focused. I was exhausted and extremely hot. I felt like I could almost fall asleep standing there. I was counting the minutes until the game would finally be over. Then some large clouds drifted overhead and blocked out the sun. Almost immediately, it felt like the temperature dropped twenty degrees.

The relief felt incredible, and without even thinking about it I said, “Thank you, Lord.” I was genuinely grateful. As I was thanking God for the relief from the clouds, I quietly said, “Lord, if there could just be a breeze too, that would be amazing.” A few minutes later, a breeze picked up. I felt it moving across my sweaty skin, cooling me down even more. Once again, I thanked God. I was still hot. I was still tired. The game was still moving slowly. But now there were clouds overhead, a breeze against my skin, and I was grateful for both.

None of those circumstances were within my control. I couldn’t change the heat or make the game move faster. I couldn’t make the clouds cover the sun or cause the breeze to blow. Unpleasant circumstances didn’t just disappear when I started working recovery. They still happen. But now I get to choose what I focus on and how I will respond to what is happening around me. As I reflected on that, I realized that I was grateful for something more than the clouds and the breeze. I was grateful that my first instinct had been to thank God. There was a time when my first instinct was to look for what was wrong with everything. I could find a problem, an inconvenience, or a reason to complain without even trying.

Working through the steps has changed the way I think and what I choose to focus on. Through prayer, inventory, and deliberately looking for what is good instead of always focusing on what is wrong, my perspective has changed. I have developed a grateful heart. I didn’t have to remind myself to be grateful. I didn’t have to make myself look for something good. My first instinct was simply, “Thank you, Lord.” Gratitude had become my first instinct. And for that I’m grateful.

Prayer
God, thank You for changing my heart as I surrender to You. Help me keep choosing gratitude until it always becomes my first instinct. Amen.

Feeling Meh

Why Not Pray?

I kept waiting to feel different.
Nothing changed while I waited.
Something changed when I prayed.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I had been feeling kind of meh all week. I was a little irritable and just not quite myself. I was aware of it, and it bothered me a little, but not enough to really look at it. I had become complacent, allowing myself to be okay with not being okay. Other people seemed to notice too. Earlier in the day, someone tried to make me smile and someone else asked what was wrong because I was not smiling. Apparently, my normal is that I usually smile. Not a bad accusation. I realized that my meh attitude was leaking and my face showed it. I did not like that.

As I was driving home from work, I thought about those comments from earlier in the day. I did not want to stay meh any longer, but I did not know what to do about it. Then I had this crazy thought: Why don’t I pray? It was nothing miraculous or spiritually enlightening. I simply said, “God, help me stop feeling this way. Help me have a different attitude. Help me get my smile back.” The heavens didn’t open and angels didn’t descend on me, but almost immediately I started to feel better. The meh feeling began to dissipate. I felt at ease, and I felt a smile start to stretch across my face. I thought, I am going to have a good rest of the night. And I did.

After that, I began doing a spot inventory. Why had it taken me almost an entire week to do something about feeling off? Had I become comfortable with being complacent? Was I expecting something to change without doing anything to make it happen? That was insanity popping up again. Then I began asking myself harder questions. Why had prayer stopped being my first response? Why was I waiting until something felt off before I prayed? That is when I got honest with myself. I had to admit the truth: I had let prayer fall out of my daily routine. Missing my daily prayer time started to show, quietly surfacing in my attitude. I was irritable and uneasy, and I had lost my smile. Although I was aware of it, I did nothing to change it. I was expecting it to change on its own.

Step 11 gives me the solution: seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out. God is the one who helped me to this point. Did I think I would suddenly be able to carry on by myself? I still need His help every day. I did not need to go back and work all the steps over again. I simply needed to recognize what had happened, correct it, and move forward. When I pray, something changes in me. I may hide things from other people or even deny them to myself, but I cannot hide them from God. Prayer brings me honestly into His presence. It humbles me and makes me willing to change. I humbled myself, asked God to help me, and He did. He met my meh with grace and mercy, and I was changed. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me make time for daily prayer. Show me when complacency tries to set in, and give me the strength to seek You even when I do not feel like it. Amen.

Letting Go

Sometimes God doesn’t just teach me through the topic of a meeting. He asks me to practice it before the meeting is over.

And the Lord’s servant must not be a man of strife: he must be kind to all, ready and able to teach: he must have patience and the ability gently to correct those who oppose his message. He must always bear in mind the possibility that God will give them a different outlook, and that they may come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2:24-25

I attended a recovery meeting recently where the topic was letting go. The person leading opened by talking about surrendering to a higher power. They continued, saying that your higher power could be anything you wanted it to be. The group. Nature. Anything that you thought helped you. Immediately I felt myself getting edgy. And I sensed the need to defend the integrity of the program rise up inside of me. I thought “That is not what the literature says. That is not what the Twelve Steps teach.” I thought I am going to speak up so the other people in the group listening would not believe that nonsense, but instead know the truth. Hearing about that belief is what kept me from coming to recovery in the beginning. Somehow I thought it was my responsibility to set things straight. But that was the old me. I don’t act out my crazy thinking anymore.

Then it hit me. This meeting’s topic was about letting go. Why don’t I try to do that. So my next best thought was to simply leave the meeting. That way I wont cause a scene or any problems in the group. And that is when another thought entered my mind. It was a little bit firmer and direct. I know it was God. He said “Why don’t you let go of your desire to control this meeting? Let go of your desire to be right?” Instantly everything stopped. God had just given me an opportunity to practice it. I quietly chuckled to myself. The irony had not escaped me.

I quietly prayed, “Lord, help me to let go and listen. Help me get something out of this meeting.”

As I listened to others share their experience, strength, and hope, I found myself encouraged. I heard how people practiced letting go in practical ways. As I listened I realized that I was actually practicing letting go as I sat there. It was a real-life object lesson. I was a student, this was my classroom, and God was my teacher. I left the meeting grateful I was able to attend instead of resentful because some believed differently than I do.

I still believe, as the Big Book says, that there is no recovery apart from God. My convictions haven’t changed. What has changed is my understanding of what God was asking of me. He wasn’t asking me to correct others. He was asking me to surrender my own life and will to His care. I had to let go of my desire to control the meeting and trust Him to do what only He can do. The irony still makes me smile. I walked into a meeting about letting go. I assumed someone else needed the lesson, and I was the messenger. But I realized God had led me there to teach me.

I am the student.

Attraction Rather Than Promotion

I spent years trying to convince other people, only to push them away. As I allowed God to continue changing me, people began approaching me instead.

They may be won without words by the way you live… 1 Peter 3:1-2

I recently heard something that made me stop and think. I was attending one of those meetings where they crack open the books and talk about the Steps and Traditions. The topic that night was Tradition Eleven. While it is often associated with public relations and anonymity, it was the idea of attraction rather than promotion that caught my attention. I learned early that although the steps and traditions are written as we, I can still apply them as personal principles for how I live my life and relate to others. Before recovery, I was a zealous Christian minister. I loved talking about God and the Bible. I looked for every opportunity to steer conversations toward spiritual things. I even learned and practiced segues to transition conversations back around to what I wanted to talk about.

From the onset I saw how people in the rooms of recovery interacted. They read guidelines they followed before every meeting. These guidelines said we listen without interrupting while others are sharing. We don’t comment or offer advice on what others share. I became acutely aware that this was much different from how I attempted to communicate with people. While the other person was talking, I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to say, just waiting for a pause so I could jump in to say what I was thinking. My sponsor directed me to read some literature where I discovered that I had not been listening at all. I learned that what I was doing was referred to as manipulation and control.

I discovered I had been giving unsolicited advice, telling people what they should do, and pointing them toward what I believed was the truth. When people resisted or pulled away, I usually assumed the problem was with them. Maybe they weren’t ready. Maybe they lacked spiritual understanding. When I started practicing these principles in all my affairs, it reshaped how I began to approach people. Instead of trying to change them, I focused on allowing God to continue changing me. I worked my own inventory instead of everyone else’s. I learned to keep my opinions to myself unless someone asked. If they did ask, I tried to share only my own experience, strength, and hope. If I didn’t have anything to offer, I learned to remain silent and simply listen. This is how I began carrying the message to others.

Something unexpected happened as I started practicing these principles. Instead of chasing opportunities to speak about my beliefs, opportunities began finding me. As my behaviors began to change, people became curious. They approached me. They shared their stories. They asked me questions. I found that I no longer needed to force conversations or steer them where I wanted them to go. When the time was right, those conversations often went there naturally. I still enjoy talking about God and the Bible whenever the opportunity presents itself. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to force the opportunity. Being mindful of the phrase “attraction rather than promotion” became a practical reminder for me to stop trying to change other people and instead let God continue changing me. That is how I am learning to carry the message to others. This is the paradox. The very thing I desired to do, came to me when I stopped chasing it.

Recovery Principle

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion…Tradition Eleven

Liking Me Too

An Unexpected Gift

The gift of recovery for me is realizing that I am still growing, healing, and changing, even after all these years.

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Philippians 3:12

At work recently, I sent a client a firm letter regarding an unpaid invoice. The bill was more than sixty days overdue, and the letter was our standard notice before sending an account to collections. The client happened to be a very good, regular client and close friends with one of our employees, so I casually asked if they knew whether there was a problem. It just didn’t seem like something this client would do. The employee shrugged and said, “How should I know?” Immediately, I felt bad. I thought I crossed a line for asking, so I apologized. I explained that it just seemed out of character for this client not to pay their bill. The employee then mentioned that they vaguely remembered the client making a payment when they first came in, but there was an adjustment to their invoice. That prompted me to do some digging. Sure enough, I discovered we had received the payment when they first came in, but it had never been applied to their invoice. The mistake was ours.

I corrected the account, applied the payment, and sent the client a receipt along with a brief email apology. Several days later the client came into the office. When I saw them, I walked over, explained what had happened, and apologized for the error. The client was gracious and seemed completely unbothered by the whole thing. Later that day, that same employee came up to me and said, “Thank you.” I smiled and asked, “For what?” She replied, “For being you. I really like the new you.” I thanked her and walked away, but her words stayed with me.

As I walked away, I felt something new rise up. The only way I could describe it is that I felt proud of myself. Not in an arrogant way, but in a healthy way. I felt grateful. Hopeful. Encouraged. Her words meant so much to me. The changes happening in me were obvious enough that someone else noticed without me pointing it out. I was happy. I was glad. I wasn’t just happy and glad that someone noticed. But the fact that someone else noticed meant these changes are real and not just imagined. I’m not thinking that things are different when they really aren’t. That was my old life. That was that denial self. This was different. It was tangible. Here is what is so cool and what I am grateful for. I have been practicing recovery for nineteen years. I am not the same person I was when I first walked into the rooms. God has changed so many things in my life over the years. Yet what struck me was that even now, after all this time, I am still growing and changing. Recovery is still working. God is still working on me.

Practicing the principles of recovery helps me see things I could never see on my own. Sometimes those discoveries come through inventory, prayer, journaling, or conversations with my sponsor. Other times they come through an unexpected comment from someone else. I just received an unexpected gift. Someone noticed the evidence of God’s work in my life. Their words reminded me that God is still helping me change. Just like He has been doing every day since I began this journey. I have not arrived or graduated from recovery. He is still changing me from the inside out. I am no longer the old man I used to be. I am becoming the man I always wanted to be. Today I can honestly say that I like the new me too.

Reflection

What evidence of God’s work in your life can you see today that you may not have recognized before?

Seeing the True Gift

God’s Faithfulness Once Again

Sometimes the greatest gift I receive is something different than the solution I am praying for.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father… James 1:17

Over the weekend, a billing error caused our card to be charged six times for the same purchase and completely overdrew our bank account. To make matters worse, my wife had a very important doctor’s appointment the next day. She needed money for a co-pay, gas for the car, and a prescription. None of those things could wait. I racked my brain trying to figure out a way to get some cash and ran through every option I could think of. My wife was frustrated. I was frustrated. Sometimes that frustration can turn into an argument. But we both have enough recovery to recognize that we were upset with the situation, not with each other. There wasn’t anything we could do about it late Sunday night. We discussed whether she should cancel and reschedule the appointment, but since it was a post-operation checkup to have her sutures removed, it was important. The next opening with the doctor was several weeks away. So we agreed to let it go for the night and trust God to provide a solution.

Being a single income family, we have learned to trust God as our source. He provides for our needs in all kinds of ways. God’s help is not always dramatic or miraculous. We read in the Bible about ravens bringing food to Elijah every day. But most of the time God works through very ordinary means. He often uses people, circumstances, and opportunities in our life. An extra shift at work. An unexpected sale. A phone call. A conversation. A new idea.

On Monday morning, I was waiting on payment for work I had done over the weekend. They pay through Venmo, but the payment is usually sent on Sunday. I was concerned my wife would have to cancel her appointment. Finally, the payment came through about thirty minutes before she needed to leave. Since transferring money to our account usually takes a day or two, I started looking for places that accepted Venmo directly. I found a gas station that did, so at least we could get fuel in the car. Then I remembered that Venmo has an instant transfer option. I never use it because I don’t like paying the fee, but I decided that if that was what it took, then that was what I would do. Since I never used it, I had no idea what the fee would be. I thought it would be a percentage of the payment. When I opened the app, I discovered I had been paid a little extra. It was more than enough to cover the transfer fee and get the money into our account immediately. The transfer fee was not as significant as I feared it would be either. Within minutes, my wife had what she needed for her appointment, gas, and prescription and anything else she may need.

I thanked God for providing what we needed once again. He is always faithful. Then I realized something else. He helped us handle the situation differently than we would have in the past. Instead of panicking, arguing, or trying to force a solution, we were able to be patient, trust Him, and stay open minded to possibilities we had not considered. That is a gift I do not take for granted. Sometimes God’s help comes in the form of a dramatic miracle, but more often His provision comes through wisdom, perspective, and new ways of thinking. Looking back, God provided more than what we needed that weekend. I am not referring only to the money. The greater gift was the way He helped us walk through the situation. Years ago, we might have blamed each other, argued, or tried to force an answer. Instead, we trusted Him, worked together, and remained open to solutions we had not considered. The money solved an immediate problem, but the changes in our attitudes and behaviors are the true gift. God did not change us overnight. He changed us as we became willing to trust Him and apply the principles and steps of recovery one day at a time.

Reflection

What gifts from God have you noticed in your life since beginning your recovery journey?

Where Do I See God Today?

His Gentle Whisper

I am noticing that God is often working in the small daily moments I usually overlook.

And after the fire came the sound of a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12

Recently my sponsor gave me an assignment that stumped me. Sponsors have a way of doing that, don’t they? He said he wanted me to answer a question. It seemed easy enough. The question was, “Where do you see God in your life today?” At first, I thought that was a simple question for me to answer and would be really quick. I have a close relationship with God. No problem. But when I sat down to actually think about it and write my answer, I got stuck. I think I was expecting some kind of deep spiritual answer. Something dramatic. Some big breakthrough moment or miracle story. Instead, I sat with that question for several days, praying and really thinking about it. Where do I see God in my life today?

My answer surprised me. I wasn’t seeing Him so much in the outward dramatic things. I was seeing Him inwardly, in the small changes happening inside of me. I see Him in my morning routine. In reading recovery literature and my devotional. In listening to recovery messages on my way to work. I see Him through the people who encourage me. And I see Him in the quiet moments where I just pause and think. It reminded me of Elijah in the cave when God showed him His voice wasn’t in the earthquake, the fire, or the wind, but in the still small voice. That’s where I see God today.

What really stood out to me was how much I see God now in the changes happening inside of me. I see Him when I pause instead of immediately reacting. I see Him when I choose not to send the snarky message I was thinking about sending. I see Him in the way my thinking has changed over time. Recovery has helped me become more aware of myself, my motives, my pride, and my tendency to try to control everything. Before recovery, I usually only looked for God in the huge moments of life. Now I’m learning to see Him in the small moments too. Things like when I have peace. When I show restraint. When I gain perspective. When I can see my own growth. And when I don’t insist things have to be done my way and I surrender control. That’s where I see God today.

I also realized something else while thinking about that question. I am usually much harder on myself than God is. I keep thinking I should be doing more, praying more, reading more, writing more, and accomplishing more. There is still a residue of that corrupt core belief that I am not good enough. But I have come so far from where I was when I started. When I honestly look at my life today compared to who I used to be, I can clearly see that God has been working in me this whole time. Not perfectly. Not instantly. But faithfully. He has been changing the way I think, the way I respond, and the way I live. He has been meeting me where I am and bringing me toward where He wants me to be. And maybe that was the answer to my sponsor’s question all along. I no longer only look for God in dramatic miracles. I see Him in the small daily changes happening inside of me. That’s where I see God today. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for helping me see You in my everyday life. Help me to slow down and recognize the ways You are working in me and around me. Teach me to trust the growth process, even when it feels small or slow. Thank You for continuing to change me one day at a time. Amen.

Putting It Into Practice

I used to look down on devotionals… now I’m writing one. God has a sense of humor.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

When I was early in my walk with the Lord, I used to look down on people who read daily devotionals. I thought that they were less spiritual. That they didn’t know how to read the Bible for themselves or seek God for themselves. They needed a book to guide them. It was pride and arrogance. I won’t deny that.

When I got into recovery, I leaned on those daily devotionals. They helped me to see things differently. They introduced ideas and concepts to me that I had never thought about. Many times reinforcing beliefs I already had but didn’t know how to put into practice at the time. And by reading about how someone else had dealt with something, it gave me an example or a model to try. And I found much success in doing so.

God has a sense of humor. This past year I have felt inspired and led by Him to write devotionals, which I’m doing. He has also shown me how they will be developed into a 365 day, daily devotional book. These postings on social media are a sample of those writings. I find that I’m growing more in writing them too. I feel like I now have an outlet for sharing with others the things He is revealing in me and has shown me. That was something that had previously frustrated me for many years. The feeling that I had all these deposits from Him inside me with no one to share them with.

I’m thankful that God never gave up on me. That He led me and guided me all the way. Even when I was obstinate and difficult. When I was rebellious. He was there the whole time. He was taking whatever I would give Him and working with it. I’m grateful that He led me to recovery where I found the balance between spiritual insight and practical application. I love Him so much for that. And when I reflect on how He’s now using me to write daily devotionals, I see His sense of humor being displayed in my life.

Prayer
Father, thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for showing me how to put into practice and share what You are showing me. Amen.

Not Doing What I Believe

A simple question exposed something deeper in me.

If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. John 13:17

I recently had someone ask me a question that challenged my faith and my beliefs. They weren’t doing it intentionally. They simply asked a question about something I wrote in my book. I thought about it for a moment. It was such a simple question: “What is your gift?” I was silenced. I had no response. I was stuck trying to grasp the question. I thought, What is my gift? I told them how God has used me in the past, but I was dumbfounded to come up with an answer to that question as it relates to me now.

Why was it so hard for me to answer that question? It’s because inside, I know I am not doing my gift. I’m not walking in what I feel God wants me to do. And that’s why I had no answer. I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to make something up. I didn’t want to be dishonest. So instead of saying something that I may no longer believe or that I no longer see in my life, I was silent. Finally, I answered with the gifts God has given me, and I thought about how active those really are in my life today. And what I came up with was this: I am not doing what I believe. That was hard to swallow. Very hard. I didn’t need to do any writing about this one. I didn’t need to pray and seek God about it either. I already knew I wasn’t surrendering all areas of my life to God.

I’m grateful that recovery teaches me to look at my progress and not perfection. So I don’t beat myself up or condemn myself for not being perfect or for not surrendering every area of my life to God at one time. Today, I’m thankful that I saw another area in my life that I can surrender. This one’s going to take some time though. It’s not going to be easy either, because it deals with my core beliefs and values. But I’m confident that God is faithful, and just as He showed me this area to surrender, He will provide me the wisdom and strength to do so as well.

Prayer
God, help me surrender all areas of my life to You and live what I truly believe. Give me the strength and courage to face and overcome the obstacles that hinder me from doing so. Help me to do Your will. Amen.

Seeking Approval

God Has Already Given It

I’m learning to stop chasing approval from people who may never give it… and instead lean into the approval God has already given me.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Galatians 1:10

Why do I seek approval from those who don’t or won’t give it? And yet I discount or dismiss approval from those who do? Why does the approval I can’t get seem to matter more than the approval I already have? When I think about it, the ones I am seeking approval from are parent figures and authority figures. And the ones who are willing to give it, I tend to dismiss or minimize, because they’re not the ones I’m seeking approval from.

This awareness doesn’t solve my problem, nor does it fix it. But it does cause me to realize that it’s a me issue and not a them issue. Granted, those parental figures who refuse to give approval have a part to play, but that’s their part. That’s not always easy for me to accept. I want it to be about them. I want them to change so I can feel better. That would be a lot easier. But by working the steps of recovery, I’m learning that I need to focus on my part. I cannot change them, no matter how hard I try. Trying only leaves me frustrated and puts me in a position where I’m tempted to manipulate and control to get my emotional needs met. My feelings get hurt and I feel less than again. That’s all about me.

Recovery has helped me climb out of that pit. By focusing on myself and what I can do. By focusing on what is within my power, and what I need to do to see that change happen. I know I have God’s approval, and when I think about that, it helps me keep things in perspective. Who is more of an authority or parental figure than God? If I have His approval, then I don’t need theirs the same way. I don’t have the solution for this right now. I only have a guide that leads me down a path toward peace. I realize this is about me and my core issues. I sometimes still feel less than and need approval. And because I can see that, I know the solution also lies within me, even if I’m not fully aware of it yet. But I have hope. Because of the tools and principles I’ve learned in recovery, and because of God helping me, I know I won’t stay stuck here. He will help me change.

Reflection
What would change if I truly believed I already have God’s approval?

A Better Father Than Me

Through My Children

The way I love my children helped me understand how God loves me.

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what’s best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:11

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of a loving, caring God. It’s hard for me to believe that God would care for me regardless of, or even in spite of, the things I do. That He would love and accept me for who I am. I start to ask myself why. Why would God have compassion for me? Why would He be there? Why would He help me? Why would He even want to? And honestly, it’s held me back in my life. I want to believe it, but I never saw it modeled in my life, so I don’t even know what it would look like.

I was pondering this today and I started thinking about my children and how I would do anything for them within my power. If there was anything they needed or wanted, I would do whatever I could to make it happen. If they’re in trouble or something’s bothering them, I want to know, because I care about them. I love them. And if there’s anything I can do to help or ease their pain, I would do it. That’s when the aha moment hit. God cares for me the same way. After reflecting on that, I realized the fact that I even have that comparison to think about parenthood and God came from God to help me and give me perspective. He is so good.

When I started to put that into perspective, I realized God is probably a better parent than I am. So if I have those feelings toward my children, and I would do anything within my power to help them, to love them, to care for them, to accept them, even if they were mad at me or even if they refused, I would still be willing and available. Why wouldn’t God be the same toward me? My obvious conclusion is He would, and probably even more so. What I’ve found is I am my worst critic. I am hard on myself. I judge myself. I consider myself not worthy. But when I look at my children, I realize there is nothing they could ever do that would cause me not to love them or care for them. Nothing. That allows me to be more gentle with myself. It helps me accept that God will never reject me, that He loves me, that He cares for me, and that He’s always there willing to help me. That matters because it gives me confidence to ask Him for help, knowing He’s there when I do. That’s part of the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What would change if I actually believed God cares for me the way I care for my children?

What Was So Good About Friday?

What felt like the worst day of my life… became the turning point.

Why do we call it Good Friday? It’s the day Jesus Christ died for our sins. It’s the day He paid the price for everything that had gone wrong. That’s what we’ve been told. That’s what we know. But if you really think about it… there was nothing good about that day when it was happening.

It was betrayal, pain, and loss. Jesus was in agony, knowing what was coming. He was betrayed by one of His own, denied by another, and left alone by the rest. He was beaten, mocked, falsely accused, and sentenced to die. There was nothing about that moment that felt good. It looked like the worst possible outcome.

And honestly… I’ve had a day like that too.

A time in my life where everything fell apart. I felt lost, broken, and alone. I couldn’t think straight. I cried more than I ever had. I felt abandoned, unloved, and unwanted. I didn’t want to live… but I didn’t have the courage to die. That was my bottom. That was my version of a “Good Friday,” and there was nothing good about it when I was in it.

But looking back now… I see it differently.

That was the place where everything started to change. That pain brought me to a place where I was finally willing to do something different. It humbled me enough to admit I needed help, and gave me just enough willingness to ask for it. That’s where recovery started for me. Not when things got better… but when everything broke.

I believed in God before that, but I hadn’t surrendered. Not really. When I finally did—when I let go of trying to control everything and started trusting Him—that’s when my life began to change.

So when I think about why it’s called Good Friday… I understand it now.

Not because it felt good. Not because it looked good. But because of what came out of it.

That was my Good Friday.

Reflection:

Have you had a “Good Friday” moment when life broke you enough to make you reach out for help? How did God meet you in that moment?

He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5