Liking Me Too

An Unexpected Gift

The gift of recovery for me is realizing that I am still growing, healing, and changing, even after all these years.

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Philippians 3:12

At work recently, I sent a client a firm letter regarding an unpaid invoice. The bill was more than sixty days overdue, and the letter was our standard notice before sending an account to collections. The client happened to be a very good, regular client and close friends with one of our employees, so I casually asked if they knew whether there was a problem. It just didn’t seem like something this client would do. The employee shrugged and said, “How should I know?” Immediately, I felt bad. I thought I crossed a line for asking, so I apologized. I explained that it just seemed out of character for this client not to pay their bill. The employee then mentioned that they vaguely remembered the client making a payment when they first came in, but there was an adjustment to their invoice. That prompted me to do some digging. Sure enough, I discovered we had received the payment when they first came in, but it had never been applied to their invoice. The mistake was ours.

I corrected the account, applied the payment, and sent the client a receipt along with a brief email apology. Several days later the client came into the office. When I saw them, I walked over, explained what had happened, and apologized for the error. The client was gracious and seemed completely unbothered by the whole thing. Later that day, that same employee came up to me and said, “Thank you.” I smiled and asked, “For what?” She replied, “For being you. I really like the new you.” I thanked her and walked away, but her words stayed with me.

As I walked away, I felt something new rise up. The only way I could describe it is that I felt proud of myself. Not in an arrogant way, but in a healthy way. I felt grateful. Hopeful. Encouraged. Her words meant so much to me. The changes happening in me were obvious enough that someone else noticed without me pointing it out. I was happy. I was glad. I wasn’t just happy and glad that someone noticed. But the fact that someone else noticed meant these changes are real and not just imagined. I’m not thinking that things are different when they really aren’t. That was my old life. That was that denial self. This was different. It was tangible. Here is what is so cool and what I am grateful for. I have been practicing recovery for nineteen years. I am not the same person I was when I first walked into the rooms. God has changed so many things in my life over the years. Yet what struck me was that even now, after all this time, I am still growing and changing. Recovery is still working. God is still working on me.

Practicing the principles of recovery helps me see things I could never see on my own. Sometimes those discoveries come through inventory, prayer, journaling, or conversations with my sponsor. Other times they come through an unexpected comment from someone else. I just received an unexpected gift. Someone noticed the evidence of God’s work in my life. Their words reminded me that God is still helping me change. Just like He has been doing every day since I began this journey. I have not arrived or graduated from recovery. He is still changing me from the inside out. I am no longer the old man I used to be. I am becoming the man I always wanted to be. Today I can honestly say that I like the new me too.

Reflection

What evidence of God’s work in your life can you see today that you may not have recognized before?

Seeing the True Gift

God’s Faithfulness Once Again

Sometimes the greatest gift I receive is something different than the solution I am praying for.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father… James 1:17

Over the weekend, a billing error caused our card to be charged six times for the same purchase and completely overdrew our bank account. To make matters worse, my wife had a very important doctor’s appointment the next day. She needed money for a co-pay, gas for the car, and a prescription. None of those things could wait. I racked my brain trying to figure out a way to get some cash and ran through every option I could think of. My wife was frustrated. I was frustrated. Sometimes that frustration can turn into an argument. But we both have enough recovery to recognize that we were upset with the situation, not with each other. There wasn’t anything we could do about it late Sunday night. We discussed whether she should cancel and reschedule the appointment, but since it was a post-operation checkup to have her sutures removed, it was important. The next opening with the doctor was several weeks away. So we agreed to let it go for the night and trust God to provide a solution.

Being a single income family, we have learned to trust God as our source. He provides for our needs in all kinds of ways. God’s help is not always dramatic or miraculous. We read in the Bible about ravens bringing food to Elijah every day. But most of the time God works through very ordinary means. He often uses people, circumstances, and opportunities in our life. An extra shift at work. An unexpected sale. A phone call. A conversation. A new idea.

On Monday morning, I was waiting on payment for work I had done over the weekend. They pay through Venmo, but the payment is usually sent on Sunday. I was concerned my wife would have to cancel her appointment. Finally, the payment came through about thirty minutes before she needed to leave. Since transferring money to our account usually takes a day or two, I started looking for places that accepted Venmo directly. I found a gas station that did, so at least we could get fuel in the car. Then I remembered that Venmo has an instant transfer option. I never use it because I don’t like paying the fee, but I decided that if that was what it took, then that was what I would do. Since I never used it, I had no idea what the fee would be. I thought it would be a percentage of the payment. When I opened the app, I discovered I had been paid a little extra. It was more than enough to cover the transfer fee and get the money into our account immediately. The transfer fee was not as significant as I feared it would be either. Within minutes, my wife had what she needed for her appointment, gas, and prescription and anything else she may need.

I thanked God for providing what we needed once again. He is always faithful. Then I realized something else. He helped us handle the situation differently than we would have in the past. Instead of panicking, arguing, or trying to force a solution, we were able to be patient, trust Him, and stay open minded to possibilities we had not considered. That is a gift I do not take for granted. Sometimes God’s help comes in the form of a dramatic miracle, but more often His provision comes through wisdom, perspective, and new ways of thinking. Looking back, God provided more than what we needed that weekend. I am not referring only to the money. The greater gift was the way He helped us walk through the situation. Years ago, we might have blamed each other, argued, or tried to force an answer. Instead, we trusted Him, worked together, and remained open to solutions we had not considered. The money solved an immediate problem, but the changes in our attitudes and behaviors are the true gift. God did not change us overnight. He changed us as we became willing to trust Him and apply the principles and steps of recovery one day at a time.

Reflection

What gifts from God have you noticed in your life since beginning your recovery journey?

Perfect Timing

Seeing God

I’m learning to look for God in the ordinary moments of my day, not just the dramatic ones.

Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. Matthew 6:8

As an umpire, I have all kinds of gear and equipment I wear for games. Chest protector, shin guards, face mask, steel-toed shoes, jackets for cold weather, rain gear, and different uniforms depending on the conditions. Some of it is for protection and some of it is simply part of presenting yourself professionally and showing respect for the game. Living in the desert I have to be prepared for all kinds of weather conditions, sometimes having opposite extremes even in the same day. A few months ago was one of those days. I was umpiring a tournament out of town and it was a very cold morning, so I wore my insulated jacket. As the game progressed, the weather warmed up quickly, and I took my jacket off and left it in a dugout. I worked four more games that day in much warmer weather and completely forgot my jacket.

Honestly, I didn’t even realize it was missing until weeks later when I started looking for it. I checked my car, my uniform closet, local ballfields, and even asked other umpires and coaches if they had seen it. Nobody knew where it was. I figured it was probably gone for good. Then last week, out of nowhere, I got a call from a tournament director asking if I could umpire an upcoming tournament. Before we hung up, he said, “Oh, by the way, I have your jacket.” Someone had found it and given it to him months earlier. I was grateful just knowing it hadn’t been stolen or thrown away. But what really struck me was the timing of it all.

Last night I was umpiring a playoff game. The forecast was for cold weather that eventually turned rainy. I brought my jacket with me and put it on during the game. I stayed warm and dry. Driving home afterward, I found myself thinking about how thankful I was to have gotten it back when I did. The timing was perfect. The weather had been nice for the last couple months. I really didn’t need it then. But I needed it last night. And that simple little moment reminded me how recovery has changed the way I see my life. Before recovery, I probably would have taken the timing for granted and moved on. But I have a new practice now because of my recovery. I review my day each night and look for God in it. I try to notice all the ways, big and small, that He is looking out for me, even when I do not realize it at the time. Getting my jacket back only a couple days before I really needed it reminded me that God was taking care of me the whole time. Honestly, I am so grateful and thankful for that, even more than getting the jacket back. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for all the ways You look out for me that I do not even notice at the time. Help me to slow down and recognize Your presence in my everyday life. Remind me to be thankful for the little things. Amen.

Where Do I See God Today?

His Gentle Whisper

I am noticing that God is often working in the small daily moments I usually overlook.

And after the fire came the sound of a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12

Recently my sponsor gave me an assignment that stumped me. Sponsors have a way of doing that, don’t they? He said he wanted me to answer a question. It seemed easy enough. The question was, “Where do you see God in your life today?” At first, I thought that was a simple question for me to answer and would be really quick. I have a close relationship with God. No problem. But when I sat down to actually think about it and write my answer, I got stuck. I think I was expecting some kind of deep spiritual answer. Something dramatic. Some big breakthrough moment or miracle story. Instead, I sat with that question for several days, praying and really thinking about it. Where do I see God in my life today?

My answer surprised me. I wasn’t seeing Him so much in the outward dramatic things. I was seeing Him inwardly, in the small changes happening inside of me. I see Him in my morning routine. In reading recovery literature and my devotional. In listening to recovery messages on my way to work. I see Him through the people who encourage me. And I see Him in the quiet moments where I just pause and think. It reminded me of Elijah in the cave when God showed him His voice wasn’t in the earthquake, the fire, or the wind, but in the still small voice. That’s where I see God today.

What really stood out to me was how much I see God now in the changes happening inside of me. I see Him when I pause instead of immediately reacting. I see Him when I choose not to send the snarky message I was thinking about sending. I see Him in the way my thinking has changed over time. Recovery has helped me become more aware of myself, my motives, my pride, and my tendency to try to control everything. Before recovery, I usually only looked for God in the huge moments of life. Now I’m learning to see Him in the small moments too. Things like when I have peace. When I show restraint. When I gain perspective. When I can see my own growth. And when I don’t insist things have to be done my way and I surrender control. That’s where I see God today.

I also realized something else while thinking about that question. I am usually much harder on myself than God is. I keep thinking I should be doing more, praying more, reading more, writing more, and accomplishing more. There is still a residue of that corrupt core belief that I am not good enough. But I have come so far from where I was when I started. When I honestly look at my life today compared to who I used to be, I can clearly see that God has been working in me this whole time. Not perfectly. Not instantly. But faithfully. He has been changing the way I think, the way I respond, and the way I live. He has been meeting me where I am and bringing me toward where He wants me to be. And maybe that was the answer to my sponsor’s question all along. I no longer only look for God in dramatic miracles. I see Him in the small daily changes happening inside of me. That’s where I see God today. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for helping me see You in my everyday life. Help me to slow down and recognize the ways You are working in me and around me. Teach me to trust the growth process, even when it feels small or slow. Thank You for continuing to change me one day at a time. Amen.

The Master Artist

Trusting the Process

God is the Master Artist turning my chaos into something beautiful.

I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this glorious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you and will put His finishing touches to it until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ! Philippians 1:6

I was meditating and praying about surrendering my will to God. Something that has never come naturally to me, because growing up I learned I couldn’t trust anyone. As I closed my eyes in consecration to God, I suddenly saw this picture in my mind of a white canvas sitting on an easel. But it wasn’t clean and untouched. Paint had been splattered all over it in every direction. Different colors everywhere. It looked messy, chaotic, and completely unorganized. The edges of the canvas were still white, but the middle was a mess. It looked ruined. Like nothing good could ever come from it. My first thought was that it should just be thrown away and started over.

Then I saw a Painter step up to the canvas. Not just any painter, but a Master Artist. He studied the mess closely and then began to work with it. He didn’t throw the canvas away. He didn’t cover it up or pretend the mess wasn’t there. He started shaping the paint already on the canvas. Adding shadows, highlights, texture, and definition. He brought order to what looked random and chaotic. It started becoming something new and intricate. What once looked ruined started becoming beautiful and valuable. By working through the mess already on the canvas, He was creating something new that nobody else could imagine.

That’s when it hit me. God is that Master Artist, and I am that canvas. The paint represents the mess I made of my life. The mistakes. The wrong choices. The regrets. The places where things feel broken, confusing, and out of place. When I look back over my life, sometimes all I see is the mess. My best thinking tells me to quit, give up, or throw the whole thing away. But God doesn’t see my life the way I do. He sees the finished picture. He sees what He had in mind from the very beginning. He is not discouraged by the mess I made, because He already sees the painting He wants to unveil.

I’m learning that surrender is trusting Him as the Artist even when I don’t understand the process. I don’t have to clean the canvas before bringing it to Him. I don’t have to know what the finished picture will be or even look like. I don’t have to figure out how all the colors will fit together. My part is simply to place my life in His hands and trust Him with it. Because God has a way of turning my mess into a masterpiece.

Prayer
Father, thank You for not giving up on me when my life looked like a mess. Help me to trust You with the things I still don’t understand. Teach me to surrender to You and trust what You are doing in me and with me. Amen

Practicing Sobriety in All Areas

Small Changes Matter

Recovery isn’t just emotional. It shows up in how I live every day.

I discipline my body and keep it under control so that after preaching to others I myself will not be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:27

Several weeks ago I woke up feeling off. I was off-balance, nauseous, and dizzy. I didn’t know why. It caught me off guard and honestly, it scared me. I did a little reading and found it could be something as simple as dehydration, exhaustion, or poor diet. I had stayed up way too late the night before and hadn’t eaten or drunk any water, so it made sense to me. But it still scared me. I drank some water, had a light snack, and laid down for a nap. When I woke up, I felt much better. I wasn’t quite 100%, but I knew something wasn’t right before, and something needed to change. As I thought about it more, I started to realize this is part of my recovery too. I saw that I could practice sobriety in my physical habits, not just my emotional life.

It was a wake-up call for me. I’ve known for a while, and I’ve even written about it, that I need more sleep. I need to eat better. I need to exercise. But knowing it and doing it are two different things. I might have had a day or two where I got enough rest. A day or two where I ate better. Once in a while, I even tried to exercise. But there was no consistency. And the truth is, this is just as much a part of my recovery as the emotional healing. It’s not a sickness. It’s a lifestyle. Habits. Bad habits.

The 12 steps gave me a practical, structured way to deal with my emotional life. They helped me face things, process them, and begin to heal. There was a decision, followed by a process of small actions. I finally saw that I needed that same kind of structure in my physical life too. Not because something is wrong with me, but because something needs to change. I can’t keep living one way and expect to feel another. This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being intentional.

So I made a decision to put structure in place. I created a schedule and committed to follow it. It included set times for bed, waking up, connecting with God, exercise, and writing, and a conscious choice to eat better. This was my personal structure, not counting everyday life, work, or responsibilities. This was about me learning to be healthy in my body as well as my soul.

So far it’s been working, and I feel so much better. I’m recognizing my progress in this area and not demanding perfection from myself. I’m not expecting overnight change, and I’m not going to beat myself up if I slip. I’m taking one step at a time, one day at a time, and I keep moving forward. I am breaking old habits and replacing them with new ones. One thing I didn’t expect is how much my self-esteem has grown. I feel better about myself and who I am. That’s the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
Father, thank You for showing me what I need to change. Help me to follow through and not just know what to do. Give me strength to discipline my body in my daily habits. Teach me how to take care of this body You’ve given me. Amen.

A Blank Canvas

What Will I Paint Today?

Today hasn’t happened yet. I get to choose how it unfolds.

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life… Deuteronomy 30:19

In my reading time this morning, I came across something that stuck with me. It said today is a day full of hours and minutes in which nothing has happened. I haven’t made any mistakes. I haven’t suffered any trouble. As I paused and meditated on those thoughts, I closed my eyes and saw a blank white canvas sitting on an easel, and I was the painter. The canvas was clean, open, and untouched. Just waiting for something to be painted on it. And I sensed God asking me, “What do you want to paint today?” That question felt bigger than I expected. It literally stopped me. At first my mind went blank, just like that canvas. Completely empty. I thought I have absolutely no idea what to paint. Am I even qualified to make such a big decision?

Then it hit me. This is my life. What do I want to see in it today? No wonder I used to feel like a victim. I wasn’t choosing anything. I was reacting to whatever came at me. The day painted itself, and I was just along for the ride. That’s what made life feel unmanageable and out of control. But today is different. I actually do get to choose what goes on this canvas. I get to choose the colors. I can paint peace or panic. Patience or frustration. I can reach for the same old colors like fear, resentment, and avoidance, or I can try something different like gratitude, honesty, and pausing before I react. Some days it feels easier to grab the familiar colors. They may not look good, but I know how to use them. But recovery is teaching me I don’t have to default to them anymore.

What feels new to me is that God is even asking me that question in the first place. What do you want to paint? I never used to think that way. I used to think everything was already decided. Like I didn’t really have a choice. Life just happened to me and I had to deal with it. That kind of thinking kept me stuck. It kept me reacting instead of choosing. But recovery has shown me something different. I do have choices. God has shown me that I have a say in what my life looks like today. The rest of my life is a blank canvas that has not been painted yet. It has not yet been determined. I get to choose how I respond. I get to choose which direction to go. And I get to do that without guilt. Realizing that is freedom. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, thank You for showing me that I have a choice. That You have given me that freedom. Help me slow down and choose wisely. Lead me and guide me each step of the way. Amen.

Putting It Into Practice

I used to look down on devotionals… now I’m writing one. God has a sense of humor.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

When I was early in my walk with the Lord, I used to look down on people who read daily devotionals. I thought that they were less spiritual. That they didn’t know how to read the Bible for themselves or seek God for themselves. They needed a book to guide them. It was pride and arrogance. I won’t deny that.

When I got into recovery, I leaned on those daily devotionals. They helped me to see things differently. They introduced ideas and concepts to me that I had never thought about. Many times reinforcing beliefs I already had but didn’t know how to put into practice at the time. And by reading about how someone else had dealt with something, it gave me an example or a model to try. And I found much success in doing so.

God has a sense of humor. This past year I have felt inspired and led by Him to write devotionals, which I’m doing. He has also shown me how they will be developed into a 365 day, daily devotional book. These postings on social media are a sample of those writings. I find that I’m growing more in writing them too. I feel like I now have an outlet for sharing with others the things He is revealing in me and has shown me. That was something that had previously frustrated me for many years. The feeling that I had all these deposits from Him inside me with no one to share them with.

I’m thankful that God never gave up on me. That He led me and guided me all the way. Even when I was obstinate and difficult. When I was rebellious. He was there the whole time. He was taking whatever I would give Him and working with it. I’m grateful that He led me to recovery where I found the balance between spiritual insight and practical application. I love Him so much for that. And when I reflect on how He’s now using me to write daily devotionals, I see His sense of humor being displayed in my life.

Prayer
Father, thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for showing me how to put into practice and share what You are showing me. Amen.

Not Doing What I Believe

A simple question exposed something deeper in me.

If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. John 13:17

I recently had someone ask me a question that challenged my faith and my beliefs. They weren’t doing it intentionally. They simply asked a question about something I wrote in my book. I thought about it for a moment. It was such a simple question: “What is your gift?” I was silenced. I had no response. I was stuck trying to grasp the question. I thought, What is my gift? I told them how God has used me in the past, but I was dumbfounded to come up with an answer to that question as it relates to me now.

Why was it so hard for me to answer that question? It’s because inside, I know I am not doing my gift. I’m not walking in what I feel God wants me to do. And that’s why I had no answer. I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to make something up. I didn’t want to be dishonest. So instead of saying something that I may no longer believe or that I no longer see in my life, I was silent. Finally, I answered with the gifts God has given me, and I thought about how active those really are in my life today. And what I came up with was this: I am not doing what I believe. That was hard to swallow. Very hard. I didn’t need to do any writing about this one. I didn’t need to pray and seek God about it either. I already knew I wasn’t surrendering all areas of my life to God.

I’m grateful that recovery teaches me to look at my progress and not perfection. So I don’t beat myself up or condemn myself for not being perfect or for not surrendering every area of my life to God at one time. Today, I’m thankful that I saw another area in my life that I can surrender. This one’s going to take some time though. It’s not going to be easy either, because it deals with my core beliefs and values. But I’m confident that God is faithful, and just as He showed me this area to surrender, He will provide me the wisdom and strength to do so as well.

Prayer
God, help me surrender all areas of my life to You and live what I truly believe. Give me the strength and courage to face and overcome the obstacles that hinder me from doing so. Help me to do Your will. Amen.

Seeking Approval

God Has Already Given It

I’m learning to stop chasing approval from people who may never give it… and instead lean into the approval God has already given me.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Galatians 1:10

Why do I seek approval from those who don’t or won’t give it? And yet I discount or dismiss approval from those who do? Why does the approval I can’t get seem to matter more than the approval I already have? When I think about it, the ones I am seeking approval from are parent figures and authority figures. And the ones who are willing to give it, I tend to dismiss or minimize, because they’re not the ones I’m seeking approval from.

This awareness doesn’t solve my problem, nor does it fix it. But it does cause me to realize that it’s a me issue and not a them issue. Granted, those parental figures who refuse to give approval have a part to play, but that’s their part. That’s not always easy for me to accept. I want it to be about them. I want them to change so I can feel better. That would be a lot easier. But by working the steps of recovery, I’m learning that I need to focus on my part. I cannot change them, no matter how hard I try. Trying only leaves me frustrated and puts me in a position where I’m tempted to manipulate and control to get my emotional needs met. My feelings get hurt and I feel less than again. That’s all about me.

Recovery has helped me climb out of that pit. By focusing on myself and what I can do. By focusing on what is within my power, and what I need to do to see that change happen. I know I have God’s approval, and when I think about that, it helps me keep things in perspective. Who is more of an authority or parental figure than God? If I have His approval, then I don’t need theirs the same way. I don’t have the solution for this right now. I only have a guide that leads me down a path toward peace. I realize this is about me and my core issues. I sometimes still feel less than and need approval. And because I can see that, I know the solution also lies within me, even if I’m not fully aware of it yet. But I have hope. Because of the tools and principles I’ve learned in recovery, and because of God helping me, I know I won’t stay stuck here. He will help me change.

Reflection
What would change if I truly believed I already have God’s approval?

Put Down the Magnifying Lens

Pick Up The Mirror

When I put down the magnifying lens and picked up the mirror, things started to change.

If we honestly examine and evaluate ourselves then we will not be judged and punished. 1 Corinthians 11:31

One of the biggest aha moments I have had since starting recovery is seeing how the Bible talks so much about recovery. It may use different terminology, but it is absolutely recovery principles. Not surprising to me, as I have since learned that the 12 Steps were based on the Bible and are outlined in order in the beatitudes. Now I see recovery everywhere in the Bible, like this verse here. It tells me that if I look at and evaluate myself honestly and judge myself, I will not have to be judged and punished. I got hung up on the word judge in this verse until I looked it up and saw that it means if I examine myself and change, I will not be condemned. This is talking about doing an honest moral inventory, changing behaviors, and making amends. That sounds a lot like recovery just in different language. But it’s the same principle.

Too many times I used to judge others instead of myself. I was looking at what others had done to me and not at what I had done to them. I would look at myself and try to see what I had done, but I would dismiss my actions and behaviors because I had good intentions. I meant well. So I would justify my actions instead of looking at how I could change them. Good intentions did not excuse my actions or dismiss my bad behavior. That sounds a whole lot like denial to me. I once heard someone say, Once I put down the magnifying lens and picked up the mirror, my life got a lot better.

In my Christian life I’ve heard many teachings about the idea of actions versus intentions. I would walk away thinking that when I see others’ actions, I should consider their intentions and offer them grace and understanding. I see now that I missed the underlying point. The axiom is: why do I judge others by their actions while I judge myself by my intentions? I would pose a new thought process: don’t let my intentions justify my actions. Instead, let me look at my actions strictly as my actions in spite of my intentions. When I keep the focus on me and look at how I can better myself in these situations, I can always see that I have a part. My part may be anywhere from 1% to 100%, but I definitely have a part. And that’s the part I have to deal with.

Reflection

Where can I look in the mirror instead of through the magnifying lens?

A Better Father Than Me

Through My Children

The way I love my children helped me understand how God loves me.

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what’s best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:11

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of a loving, caring God. It’s hard for me to believe that God would care for me regardless of, or even in spite of, the things I do. That He would love and accept me for who I am. I start to ask myself why. Why would God have compassion for me? Why would He be there? Why would He help me? Why would He even want to? And honestly, it’s held me back in my life. I want to believe it, but I never saw it modeled in my life, so I don’t even know what it would look like.

I was pondering this today and I started thinking about my children and how I would do anything for them within my power. If there was anything they needed or wanted, I would do whatever I could to make it happen. If they’re in trouble or something’s bothering them, I want to know, because I care about them. I love them. And if there’s anything I can do to help or ease their pain, I would do it. That’s when the aha moment hit. God cares for me the same way. After reflecting on that, I realized the fact that I even have that comparison to think about parenthood and God came from God to help me and give me perspective. He is so good.

When I started to put that into perspective, I realized God is probably a better parent than I am. So if I have those feelings toward my children, and I would do anything within my power to help them, to love them, to care for them, to accept them, even if they were mad at me or even if they refused, I would still be willing and available. Why wouldn’t God be the same toward me? My obvious conclusion is He would, and probably even more so. What I’ve found is I am my worst critic. I am hard on myself. I judge myself. I consider myself not worthy. But when I look at my children, I realize there is nothing they could ever do that would cause me not to love them or care for them. Nothing. That allows me to be more gentle with myself. It helps me accept that God will never reject me, that He loves me, that He cares for me, and that He’s always there willing to help me. That matters because it gives me confidence to ask Him for help, knowing He’s there when I do. That’s part of the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What would change if I actually believed God cares for me the way I care for my children?

Connection Over Control

I didn’t realize how much I was trying to control connection… until I saw it in my dog.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… Psalm 37:7

This morning, I had another lesson from my dog. She’s a golden retriever and has the sweetest temperament. Every morning, I sit in my La-Z-Boy chair with my coffee and finish up my writing from the night before. In that quiet stillness, I lean back, put the footrest up, grab my laptop, and start typing. Like clockwork, within about thirty minutes, she walks in and sits right in front of me. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t make a sound. She just sits there and waits. When I’m done writing, I put the laptop down, drop the footrest, and call her over. I already know what she wants.

I reach down and pet her, love on her, hug her, pray over her, speak blessings over her, and tell her I love her. And when I’m done, she just walks away into the other room. What she wanted was connection. She wanted to be touched. She knew exactly what she wanted. And she let that need be known without demanding it. She showed up, sat there, and waited patiently for me to respond. God spoke to me through that. The lesson I got from that was simple and equally profound. She didn’t force anything. She didn’t act out. She simply made her need known, and then she trusted enough to wait for it. She trusted me to meet her need.

It made me stop and look at myself. Do I trust God that way with my needs? Do I just show up and patiently wait for His goodness? How many times do I not even let my needs be known? Or when I do, I come across demanding or frustrated instead of honest and vulnerable. How often am I unwilling to wait for what I want or need? Do I revert to old behaviors and shut down or try to force outcomes?

But today I saw something different. It was a simple object lesson for me. There’s a way to be honest about what I need without pressure, without control, and without fear. What I realized is… I want connection too. But a lot of times I’m either afraid to ask for it, or I try to force it on my terms and my timeline. And when it doesn’t come the way I expect, I miss it completely. I am seeing that it’s not about controlling how it comes. It’s about really being honest, showing up, and trusting God enough to receive it however and whenever it comes. That’s what I’m learning in recovery. Just being real about what I need, letting go of control, and trusting God with the timing.

Prayer
Father, help me to be honest about what I need. Teach me not to hide it or try to force it. Show me how to trust You and be patient with Your timing. Help me receive what You give, the way You give it. Thank You. Amen.

What Was So Good About Friday?

What felt like the worst day of my life… became the turning point.

Why do we call it Good Friday? It’s the day Jesus Christ died for our sins. It’s the day He paid the price for everything that had gone wrong. That’s what we’ve been told. That’s what we know. But if you really think about it… there was nothing good about that day when it was happening.

It was betrayal, pain, and loss. Jesus was in agony, knowing what was coming. He was betrayed by one of His own, denied by another, and left alone by the rest. He was beaten, mocked, falsely accused, and sentenced to die. There was nothing about that moment that felt good. It looked like the worst possible outcome.

And honestly… I’ve had a day like that too.

A time in my life where everything fell apart. I felt lost, broken, and alone. I couldn’t think straight. I cried more than I ever had. I felt abandoned, unloved, and unwanted. I didn’t want to live… but I didn’t have the courage to die. That was my bottom. That was my version of a “Good Friday,” and there was nothing good about it when I was in it.

But looking back now… I see it differently.

That was the place where everything started to change. That pain brought me to a place where I was finally willing to do something different. It humbled me enough to admit I needed help, and gave me just enough willingness to ask for it. That’s where recovery started for me. Not when things got better… but when everything broke.

I believed in God before that, but I hadn’t surrendered. Not really. When I finally did—when I let go of trying to control everything and started trusting Him—that’s when my life began to change.

So when I think about why it’s called Good Friday… I understand it now.

Not because it felt good. Not because it looked good. But because of what came out of it.

That was my Good Friday.

Reflection:

Have you had a “Good Friday” moment when life broke you enough to make you reach out for help? How did God meet you in that moment?

He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Faith That Shows Up

Trusting the Process

I used to think faith was something I believed. Now I’m learning it’s something I do. Showing up, even for 15 minutes, changed more than I expected.

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. Hebrews 11:1

The topic in my meeting last night was, what does faith mean to me. I paused for a moment, because sometimes I can get stuck on how something is said and completely miss the meaning and intent. So, I decided to try and consider what was really being asked instead. I used to only attribute faith to biblical principles and ideas. But the phrasing of the question, and listening to others share, got me thinking about it differently. I wanted to identify the practical application of faith, especially as it relates to my recovery. As I listened, I was reminded of when I first started recovery and hearing the phrase, “Keep coming back, it works.” Honestly, that sounded cute, but it didn’t make much sense to me at the time. How was going to a meeting and listening to other people’s problems going to fix anything around me? I was looking for answers to my own problems, not take on someone else’s too. I wanted to figure things out and control the situation. But something in me was willing to take a chance anyway. This was something new, something I knew nothing about. It was a risk. It meant trusting something that didn’t make sense. It was a paradox.

I remember one time I showed up late to a meeting because of work and everything else going on. I only caught the last 15 minutes. I almost didn’t go. I thought, what’s the point? Drive all the way there just for it to be over. But I went anyway and I stayed. And I got something out of those 15 minutes. Honestly, I got a lot out of it. After the meeting, my sponsor told me something I’ve never forgotten. He said, a little bit of recovery is better than no recovery at all. That stuck with me. Showing up like that, going anyway just for 15 minutes, that was faith. Staying after the meeting and talking with my sponsor was faith. It was doing the next right thing. It was taking action even when I didn’t feel like it or understand it. That is what faith means to me.

What I’ve found is that when I keep coming back, something starts to change. Not everything around me, but something inside me. I begin to change. And even when that wasn’t my original goal, it became the result. Faith, for me, is being willing to trust the process, even when everything in me is telling me otherwise. It’s believing something good can come out of all the pain of my past, even when I don’t see it yet. It’s practical. It shows up in action, in willingness, going to meetings and working the steps. And little by little, I see it working. My life has gotten better one step, one action at a time.

Prayer
Father, help me to trust You even when it doesn’t make sense. Give me the willingness to show up and take the next right step. Teach me how to live this out in my daily life. Amen.