Not My Own Higher Power

Restored Through Love

For years I tried to fix what only love could heal. Step Two slowed me down and reminded me I am not my own higher power.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I was recently speaking with my sponsor about Step 2. We are working through the steps again. He asked what my thoughts were about my higher power. Thinking I knew the answer and where we were going, I started telling him about God being my higher power and describing what I believed about Him. He stopped me and said very plainly, “We don’t get to God until Step 3. We are talking about Step 2. I asked you to tell me about your higher power.” I paused. I was already jumping ahead in my mind. We were not talking about surrendering to God’s will. We were talking about believing that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He was slowing me down to think about what that actually means instead of assuming. He gave me an assignment to describe the qualities and characteristics of my higher power.

This was harder than I expected. I had to stop thinking about the attributes of God and instead think about what I need from a higher power to restore me to sanity. I had to change my perspective. Here is what I came up with. My higher power is loving, caring, and accepting. He understands me and listens to me. He comforts me and gives me strength when I am weak and overwhelmed. When I do not know what to do, He gives me guidance. He is bigger and more powerful than me, more knowledgeable and smarter than me. My higher power is not me. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can bring healing and sanity into my life. He works in my life as I surrender and believe. My higher power loves me unconditionally.

What I concluded is that I need a higher power to help me. I cannot change on my own. For years I tried to do it myself. I made myself my own higher power. In Step 1 I learned that I was powerless over the effects of alcohol. In Step 2 I learn that I need a power greater than me to help me be free. As I listed the qualities I was looking for, I realized something. Everything I described had to do with being loved and accepted. That is where many of my character defects begin. At the core are two lies I believe about myself and have carried with me for years: I am not good enough, and I am not wanted. I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself and earn the love and acceptance I lacked growing up. In doing that, I had inadvertently made myself my own higher power. I tried to fix what only love could heal.

To be restored to sanity, I needed more than I could do on my own. I needed to know I was loved. The qualities I described about my higher power speak directly to that need. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. Not me. When I believe in a power like that, my thinking shifts. I no longer have to prove myself. I no longer have to try and be good enough. I can believe that I am accepted and wanted. I am loved. That is where my healing begins and sanity returns. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

God, thank You for accepting me as I am. Help me to be honest about my needs. I still struggle with feeling wanted and loved. I know in my head that You offer unconditional love. Please allow me to be able to see and feel it. Amen