Only Joking

Hidden Motives

Just because someone else says they’re fine doesn’t mean there is nothing in me to examine.

A man’s conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives. Proverbs 20:27

A friend of mine plays in the adult softball league I umpire. We are not especially close, but I would like to become better friends. During a game, there was a play where he was clearly safe and I called him out just to mess with him. I was joking around. Everybody knew I was joking, and I talked to him afterward. We were fine. But driving home after the game, I still felt bad about it. I kept thinking, Why did I do that? I thought about just dismissing it by telling myself I was only joking, but something about it bothered me enough that I knew I needed to dig a little deeper.

As I thought about it, I recognized it as an old behavior. Sarcasm and joking around at somebody else’s expense used to be normal for me. I also realized that the players are always joking with each other, teasing each other, and having fun together. Part of me wanted to be included in that. I wanted to be “one of the guys.” I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be cool. I wanted my friend to like me more. The problem is, I wasn’t one of the players. I was the umpire, and my responsibility was to be professional and make the right call. The answer may simply be that I didn’t think. I relied on old instincts. I wanted connection, and instead of letting friendship develop naturally, I tried to force it.

The next morning I called my friend and apologized. He started laughing. He told me he thought the whole thing was hilarious and that I had nothing to worry about. That reassured me that our relationship was fine, but it did not remove my need to look at my motives. He was fine. I wasn’t.

This is one of the ways working the principles of recovery helps me. Instead of ignoring it when something is bothering me and I feel uneasy, I pause. I take inventory. I ask myself certain questions. What did I do?  What was my part? Why did I do it? My honest answers to these questions almost always uncover the solution. Usually, it begins with me admitting to myself when my behavior does not line up with the person I want to be. If I have hurt someone, I make amends. Inventory and amends are not dependent on whether another person is upset with me. They are about me dealing with what is going on inside of me. When I do that, peace and calm replace the uneasiness. I then ask God to help me change and to show me how to avoid repeating that behavior. Sometimes the answers and the solution present themselves right away. Other times, they unfold as I continue to seek God and His will for me.

Working the steps and applying the principles to my life help me to be at peace with God and with myself. I no longer have to strive to be accepted or fit in. When I slip, like I did the other night, I don’t have to beat myself up over it. As I keep looking at myself, I will keep growing and keep becoming the person I truly want to be. That is progress. That is growth. And even though I say it so often that it may sound cliché, I truly mean it: this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Lord, help me to listen to my conscience when You are trying to speak to me and show me the things I need to change. Amen.