Right But Still Wrong

Delivery Matters

I may not owe amends for the message, but I do for the delivery.

If you’re angry, don’t let anger control you or be fuel for revenge, not for even a day.
Ephesians 4:26

Have you ever said something you knew was true, believed was right, and meant with all your heart, but said it in a way that was not representative of the person you are trying to be? I have. In fact, I just did two weeks ago while coaching my daughter’s softball team.

For the playoffs, the league made some last-minute rule changes that I strongly disagreed with. In my mind, the decisions were unfair to the girls who had worked hard and played all season long. As the games unfolded, I became more and more frustrated because I felt like the rules kept changing and the decisions being made were affecting the outcome of the games. During the championship game I confronted the league president publicly and emotionally. And honestly, I still believe the reasons for feeling the way I did are valid.

The surprising part is that we ended up coasting through the playoffs and winning the championship game easily. It should have been a great night of celebration for our team. But instead, I was awake for hours replaying the situation over and over in my mind. I have learned through recovery that when I start spinning in my mind and cannot let something go emotionally, there is usually something deeper going on inside of me. As I prayed and thought about it more, I realized I felt attacked. I felt like I was being ganged up on and dismissed. That is when I saw that my character defect of feeling “not good enough” had been triggered. Before recovery, I never would have stopped long enough to examine that. I only would have focused on proving I was right.

One of the gifts recovery has given me is the ability to honestly look at my reactions instead of only defending them. I still believe in standing up for what is right, but not at the expense of hurting others. I have learned to look at my actions and not just my intentions. I am responsible for how I deliver the message, not just the content. I may not owe amends for what I said or why I said it, but I do owe one for the way I said it. That is something I never would have seen before recovery.

I saw the league president the following weekend at a tournament. I walked over to her, lowered my sunglasses, looked her in the eyes and humbly apologized for my tone and for raising my voice. I apologized for being disrespectful and putting her on the spot publicly. She said “ok”. I have no idea what that may mean. But I know I felt better and that weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The thing I couldn’t stop replaying in my mind finally let go from that moment on. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
Have there been times when you were so focused on being right that you never stopped to look at how you were delivering the message?