Wherever I Go, There I Am

New thinking. New life

I am not stuck with my old thinking forever. When I change my thinking, my life begins to change too.

Let God change you inside by giving you a new way of thinking. Then you will know what God wants you to do. And you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Romans 12:2

I used to automatically do things because that was how I had always done them. Even when something inside me said, don’t do this, it’s not right, I would speak back to myself and say, I made my mind up. I can’t change it without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Once I decided something, I believed I had to follow through no matter what the consequences were. It was like I was stuck and could not break free. There were no alternatives. I had made up my mind and that was that. My thinking. I cannot escape from my own thinking. It goes with me everywhere. Wherever I go, there I am.

Looking back now, I can see that this is one of the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home and developing the sick thinking that I have. Certain reactions became automatic. Certain ways of handling things just felt normal to me. Even when those ways were not healthy. So what are my options? Do I even have any? Or am I doomed in life to keep repeating the same cycle of sickness forever? Do I have to keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same disappointing results? Never changing. Somehow, deep inside, I sort of always knew there were other options. I saw my friends’ and classmates’ families. I visited their homes. Their family situations seemed much different. They behaved much different too. As I grew older, I would occasionally have an awareness that there might be other options available to me, but I had no knowledge or experience of how to realize that change. What do I do? How do I do whatever it is that needs to be done? And do I have the courage to take action and follow through once I find out? That is where recovery comes in.

I was speaking with my sponsor about this and that’s when I had the aha moment. Before recovery I seemed unable to change my mind. Once I made my mind up about something I believed I had to do it. But since joining recovery and working the steps, my thinking has gradually begun to change. I realized that I am not a victim any longer. I may have been a victim growing up as a child, but I am no longer a child. I am no longer living in that home with my family of origin. I do have choices now. I can change my mind if I want to and whenever I want to. I am no longer trapped believing I must do something simply because I decided it before. I can change my mind and not feel guilty for it. I don’t know why I felt guilt for it either, but I did. But no longer. Changing my mind does not mean I did something wrong.

By working the steps with my sponsor, my thinking is constantly changing. When my thinking changes, then my behaviors change. When my behaviors change, then my life changes too. The great news is that now I can change my mind whenever I want. It’s my mind for heaven’s sake. That brings me hope and so much optimism for the future. I now have peace and happiness that stays with me. If I feel them start to drift, I just change my thinking and my feelings begin to change with it. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me that my thinking can change. Help me recognize when old patterns try to return. Teach me to keep surrendering my thoughts to You so that my life can continue to change. Amen.