Unattended Consequences

Little things rarely stay little if unattended.

Paying Attention

Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! Song of Solomon 2:15

I spent part of the weekend catching up on some long overdue yardwork. This spring has been unusually wet. Between the alternating rain and sunshine, not to mention watering the trees, the weeds had gotten completely out of control. What once started out as small weeds weeks ago had become large, deeply rooted, and thriving. As I started pulling them, I noticed a couple things. The weeds had now become home to all kinds of bugs. Wasps, hornets, beetles, spiders, and all kinds of other insects had made the weeds their home. Now I was disturbing their environment. They immediately scattered, buzzed around me, and seemed determined to defend their territory. I can’t blame them for that. They were everywhere, but the bugs were not really the problem. My neglect had allowed an entire ecosystem to develop. The bugs were simply living in the environment I had allowed to develop and I was now disrupting it. By putting off regular maintenance, I had unintentionally created the conditions where their ecosystem could not only live but thrive.

I couldn’t help but see the parallel to my recovery. Character defects rarely develop overnight. They grow because I neglect the little things. I procrastinate on my step work. I neglect my prayer life. I stop journaling. I tell myself I’m too busy to attend a meeting or call my sponsor. None of those acts of neglect seem significant by themselves. But over time they can accumulate and create an environment where unhealthy attitudes, old thinking, and destructive behaviors can take root and begin to flourish. What once could have been pulled with very little effort when it was small, becomes deeply rooted simply because I kept telling myself I’d deal with it later.

As I continued working, I also noticed that the weeds were much harder to remove than they ever had been in the past. Normally I could have pulled the weeds easily by hand, but now I couldn’t. Because I had waited so long, what should have been a simple job now required much more time and effort. What once required only my hands now required gloves, a rake, a hoe, and a shovel. Recovery is no different. The longer I ignore an issue, the more work it often takes to address it. In my recovery, a daily Step 10 inventory helps me address small issues before they become deeply rooted and begin affecting other areas of my life. I can’t afford to ignore the small things and expect them to stay small.

When I was done, I sat down with a cup of iced tea admiring my work and how nice the yard looked again. As I sat there, I began reflecting on everything I had noticed while working. This wasn’t exposing a problem I have today as much as reminding me why I don’t want to go back to the way I used to live. Recovery has changed what I pay attention to. Before recovery, I ignored little things, and even the big things, pretending they weren’t really there. Denial made that easy. Today, I know that little things rarely stay little. That’s why I try to pay attention before they have the opportunity to become deeply rooted. Daily prayer, honest inventory, meetings, and talking with my sponsor aren’t just recovery disciplines. Those practices help me recognize small issues before they have the chance to take root and grow into old attitudes and behaviors. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

What have I been putting off? Is there a small issue I need to address today before it has the opportunity to take root and grow?

Course Correction

Back to Basics

It’s easy for me to recognize when something is obviously wrong. It’s much harder to recognize the small changes that quietly take me off course.

This is why it is so crucial that we be all the more engaged and attentive to the truths that we have heard, so that we do not drift off course. Hebrews 2:1

I haven’t completed and shared a new devotional in a couple weeks. That bothered me because sharing what I learn has become an important part of my recovery. Life was still happening and I was till having opportunities to practice the principles of recovery every single day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t having the same success. That should have been a clue for me right there. But, no I “know stuff”. And every time I sat down at my computer to write, I just didn’t have it. I felt empty. At first I thought maybe I had nothing new or authentic to share. I questioned if I should even be writing at all. I even wondered if I felt like a hypocrite because I had been missing some of my regular recovery meetings. So I did what I have learned to do in recovery when I don’t understand what’s going on inside me. I started writing about it.

I found it ironic and a bit humorous that while not being able to write, I decided to write as a solution. I began writing about why I felt I couldn’t write a devotional. I examined my motives. Once I started, I was able to write quite extensively. That’s when it dawned on me. My problem wasn’t not being able to write. I was writing. But not being able to share a devotional was a warning sign for me, signaling something else was wrong. What emerged from my inventory was that my routines and disciplines had shifted. I had taken on a second job that required me to work evenings. My life and my schedule had changed dramatically, and although I was still praying, reading, and spending time with God, it wasn’t with the same consistency or depth. I had stopped attending my regular meetings and, without realizing it, I had stopped journaling. I just kept expecting the same growth and results in my recovery although everything else had changed. My life had changed, but my recovery plan hadn’t adjusted with it. In fact, I didn’t even have a plan.

Every change I make, whether it is a conscious decision or simply a choice by default, has an impact on my life and produces an outcome. Working through the steps has taught me to pay attention to those outcomes because they often reveal patterns I haven’t yet recognized. I need to pay attention to those results whether they are welcomed and desired or unwanted. Not being able to write wasn’t my problem. It was the result of something else happening, or more accurately not happening. For me, journaling, inventory, prayer, meetings, and God’s Word are the foundation that keeps me grounded and spiritually healthy. If I were to completely neglect my recovery and conscious contact with God, I would recognize it almost immediately because the effects are obvious and I start acting sideways. But this was different. My recovery didn’t stop; it gradually diminished as I got busier and I didn’t even notice. I just felt a little off. I started to think differently. I had subtle changes in my behavior. When I seem to be acting or thinking differently, I need to resist the temptation to ignore it. I need to ask why.

I knew I needed to course correct and that meant getting back to the basics. Since my schedule had changed, I needed to implement changes to my recovery disciplines too. For me that means attending online meetings. It means getting up earlier to read and have my devotional time and making time to journal before bed. I can even use my lunch break time to listen to recovery speakers. The specific solution isn’t as important as recognizing when my spiritual tank is running low and responding to it. This time it took me a few weeks to discover what was going on. That is a tremendous improvement over the years I once spent living in denial. That is growth. Sometimes I don’t realize how much something has been helping me until I stop doing it.

Prayer

Lord, help me recognize when I begin to drift. Give me the humility to ask why, the wisdom to make course corrections, and the willingness to stay faithful to the things that keep me close to You. Amen.

Fighting Ghosts

Uncovering Yesterday’s Wounds

One of the gifts of inventory is discovering that my reactions aren’t always about what’s happening right now. Sometimes I’m still in a battle with a ghost from long ago.

So I run with a purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. 1 Corinthians 9:26

The other night I was umpiring an adult softball game. Around here they call it a “beer league” because most of the players drink while they play. For the most part it is just a bunch of adults having fun, playing ball, and enjoying themselves. Occasionally, though, someone drinks too much. One of the players was clearly drunk and being loud, boisterous, and passive aggressive throughout the game. After the game he walked up to me on the field and said, “You know I’m just joking with you. You don’t need to take it seriously. You know I’m…” Before he could finish, I interrupted him and said, “Drunk.” His demeanor changed immediately. He became confrontational. Then I followed it up with, “I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?” It was pure sarcasm. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had crossed the line. I wanted to apologize and I did, but I don’t think he’ll even remember, but I will.

On the drive home I did a step 10 inventory. I asked myself a few questions. Why did I say that? Why did I act that way? Why did I want to call him out and embarrass him? My sponsor has taught me that when I have a reaction, there is usually something more underneath it. So, I stayed with this and as I thought about it, I remembered another incident from years ago before recovery. I was traveling to a convention for work. A coworker showed up at the airport drunk and got even more drunk at the airport bar before a flight. He became loud, obnoxious, and completely unaware of how he was acting. He had shared he was terrified of flying. Instead of showing him grace, I took advantage of the situation. I encouraged him to be even louder and more obnoxious. I encouraged him to make a fool of himself and laughed at him as he did. It was the same feeling. The same reaction. As I sat with it, I asked what was I feeling? What was I getting out of this? I was taken back to when I was a child. Growing up, the alcoholic in my life was very different when he drank. When he was drunk, there was anger, humiliation, fear, and a feeling of powerlessness. Then I saw it. Part of me still wants to fight back. The problem is, I am fighting a ghost. I am unleashing my anger on people who were never responsible for my pain. When I encounter a drunk person today who is being loud and obnoxious, that little boy in me still wants to expose them, embarrass them, and take back the power he never had. He still wants to punish them and make them feel what he once felt.

What surfaced when I did my inventory was this: the softball player is responsible for his behavior and I am responsible for mine. I need to stop focusing on the other person’s actions and examine my own. Instead of justifying my meanness and sarcasm, I have learned to ask why it was there in the first place. What I uncovered that day is just another layer of anger, fear, and pain that I did not know was still there. I’m grateful that inventory helps me find my part. It helps me uncover hurts and pains from my past that are still influencing me today. Once they’re uncovered, I can surrender them to God and ask Him to continue healing them. As I continue doing my part, God faithfully does His. He renews my thinking, heals old wounds, and helps me respond differently than I did before. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me another layer of what is really going on inside me. Help me to stop fighting ghosts and taking my pain out on people who didn’t cause it. Give me the courage to keep taking my own inventory, to own my part, and the willingness to let You heal what I cannot. Amen.

What Do I Want?

What Stays And What Goes

Growth isn’t always about fixing what is broken. Sometimes it’s about letting go of things that no longer belong.

But you, change the way you were living. The person you used to be will ruin you through desires that deceive you. Have a new attitude. Ephesians 4:22-23

I was listening to someone share recently about their house being flooded. After the water receded, people started calling and asking what they could do to help. One friend asked, “What do you need?” The homeowner responded, “The first thing I need to do is take inventory and assess the damage.” When he said that I knew instantly what he meant. He went on to explain that before he could do anything, he first had to figure out what was there. What was still good and what was ruined. What could be saved and what needed to be replaced. What he wanted to keep and what he wanted to get rid of. There might even be things that survived the flood just fine. Things he no longer wanted. And there were new things he wanted.

As I listened, something clicked for me. I have taken inventories in recovery for years. Usually when I think about taking an inventory, I think about answering Fourth Step questions. Those questions have helped me uncover resentments, fears, unhealthy patterns, and character defects that I could not see on my own. I knew what an inventory was. I had taken inventories at work and in recovery for years. But somehow, I had gotten stuck thinking that answering the questions was the inventory. I would answer the questions, share them with my sponsor, and gain insight in the process. What I suddenly realized was that the questions were never the inventory. They were tools that helped me break through denial and see what was already there. The inventory was always just an honest assessment of myself.

As I thought about that flooded house, I realized that is exactly what I am doing when I take inventory of my life. There are things God has been building in me over the years that I am grateful for and want to keep. There are also things I am still working on that need attention and repair. There are also things that I no longer want. Things like my need to control people and outcomes. My tendency to become defensive when I feel threatened. The walls I built to protect myself from being hurt. Those things may have helped me survive at one point in my life, but they no longer belong. Then there are qualities I want more of, like patience, humility, trust, compassion, and acceptance.

The gift I received from this story was the realization that even though some things survived the flood just fine, the homeowner no longer wanted them. It dawned on me that the same thing is true in my life. Some of the attitudes and behaviors that helped me survive no longer belong in the person I want to be. Today, when I take inventory, I am not just looking for what is broken and damaged. I am also looking for what no longer belongs and what I want in my life instead.

Reflection

What is one quality or character trait you would like more of in your life today?

No Defense Needed

Peace doesn’t come from proving my point.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The other day I had a growth opportunity at work. A man came in agitated and aggressive with our front staff. They told me he had been rude to them and asked me to step in. When I approached him and listened, he seemed to realize he had overreacted and apologized to me. I thanked him, but I told him it would mean more if he apologized to the people he had been rude to. He did. Later that same day, he came back while I was helping another client and interrupted me asking for help. I calmly said to him, sir please have a seat. I’ll be with you in a moment.

When he finished his transaction and was about to leave, he asked to speak with me. When I walked over, he told me he felt I had been rude to him when I told him to sit down and relax. His version of the interaction included a tone and words that were much different than what I remembered using. I listened to him. I resisted the familiar urge to explain myself, to clarify, to defend my intent. Instead, I looked him in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry. I apologize for being rude.” He thanked me and left.

Here is the gift of recovery for me. I did not defend myself. I did not explain or justify. Even though his version was much different than mine, the possibility existed that I could have come across as rude. So I owned it and made amends. It felt good. I noticed the peace that followed. Not long ago, I would have focused on the facts and proven my point. This time, the facts mattered less than being accountable for my part. By practicing the principles of recovery, I am learning how to live with peace and respond like a grown up.

Prayer
God, help me to stop defending myself. Show me my part, even when I want to explain or be right. Help me own my part and make it right when I mess up. I want peace more than proof. Amen.