Quickly Dismissed – How Denial Convinced Me I Didn’t Have a Problem

What I avoided for years became the place where healing began.

Admit your faults to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. James 5:16

Before I ever entered recovery, and long before I knew it would become part of my life, God was already planting seeds through people who cared about me. Over the years, I had good friends, people I trusted, suggest that I consider attending a meeting. A few even offered to go with me. I heard what they were saying, but I quickly dismissed it. I didn’t need recovery. Recovery was for “those” people, for addicts and people who didn’t have it together. That wasn’t me. I believed in God. I read my Bible. I prayed. I was the one who helped others. What I could not see at the time was that in all my trying to be responsible and helpful, I was seldom at rest. I was hypervigilant, trying to do everything exactly right, hoping I would earn God’s favor.

It was hard for me to see it, but I finally realized I was addicted. I wasn’t addicted to substances. I was addicted to fixing and controlling others. I told myself that I valued truth. In reality, I only valued my version of truth. I was afraid of the version that was offered to me. When people who loved me spoke honestly about what they saw, I argued, minimized, or explained it away. I was often perplexed though, at how they seemed to know so much about my childhood, even when I had never spoken about it to anyone. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but their truth felt threatening because it wasn’t my truth. Accepting their truth meant I needed help. It meant I would have to let go of control. I would have to be vulnerable, and that meant I could be hurt again. No way was I going to let that happen. I was afraid of what might happen to me if I opened up to someone about my past. That kind of honesty didn’t feel right to me. And it definitely didn’t feel safe. I had no one I could really trust, not even those who cared about me.

I finally did something about it. The thing I had always avoided. I showed up. I found a place where I could share things out loud, and nothing bad happened. I was accepted. Once I began to see that I had a problem and that I needed help, things started to fall into place. My awareness didn’t happen all at once, and it wasn’t always easy or pretty. Sometimes it still isn’t. But it came through honesty and trust. The people in the rooms of recovery trusted me with their stories, which made it easier to trust them with mine. They weren’t asking anything from me that they weren’t willing to do themselves. That made it possible for me to open up, be honest, and trust someone else for the first time since I could remember. And that was liberating. It was freeing. It was accepting. And it still is today.

Prayer

Father, thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for leading me to safe places where I can see Your love, acceptance, and forgiveness demonstrated in action. Help me stay willing to show up, speak up, and grow up. I thank You for the healing You provide as I stop hiding from my past and continue to be honest. Amen.

Addicted to Being Right

A fool thinks he is right, but a wise person listens to others. Proverbs 12:15

I had an aha moment after an argument with my wife. Her version of what happened was not accurate. The facts, the details, and even the way she described my motives and inner responses did not line up with what actually occurred. I was being told what I felt, and it was not true. Because of that, I dismissed everything she was saying. I told myself that if the facts were wrong, then her reaction must be her responsibility. I focused on correcting details instead of acknowledging that she was hurt. Once accuracy was in question, I stopped listening to anything else.

As I prayed, journaled, and tried to find my part, I kept coming up empty. That was unusual for me because I am normally able to see it. I even made a list of probable options, which is something I do when I am stuck. The possibilities ranged from extreme to reasonable. Maybe she was completely wrong. Maybe I was missing something obvious. Maybe past trauma was being triggered. Maybe something I said landed harder than I intended. I did recognize one comment I made that was harsh, and I apologized for it immediately. But days later, there was still distance between us, and none of my reasoning fully explained why.

I was doing some step work, and that is when I saw it. I was addicted to being right. That was my part. I was so focused on accuracy or details that I could not be present with her hurt. Being right mattered more to me than trying to understand. I kept looking for my part in the event itself, when my part was actually in how I responded to what she said. Even though I did not do what I was being accused of, my defensiveness and dismissiveness created more distance. The problem was not the facts. The problem was me and how I reacted.

My awareness came by humbling myself to God and following the prescription that recovery offers. That meant I had to stop defending myself and ask God to show me what I could not see. He did. God is faithful that way. It did not come through prayer alone. I had to do something too. I had to put legs to my prayers. I had to write and be honest with myself, and then let that truth sit for a moment. As I did, I began to see how my need to be right had become a form of self-protection and control. My character defects were being triggered, and my insistence on accuracy was just another form of denial. That realization did not excuse my behavior, but it did open the door to change. I cannot always control whether facts are understood, but I am responsible for how I respond. Letting go of my need to be right made room for honesty, connection, and healing.

Prayer

Father God, help me to humble myself and listen to others. Help me hear what they mean, not just the words they are saying. Continue to show me my part in each situation. Give me the courage to change and the power to carry it out. Amen.

Led by Peace

How God Guides Through Peace

For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace…. Isaiah 55:12

A few years back, I found myself in the middle of a job transition with two offers in front of me. One was a government job that promised security, benefits, and long-term stability. The other was a smaller local business with less pay and fewer guarantees. Everything about the government job made more sense on paper. But as I prayed and wrestled with the decision, something inside me would not settle. When I thought about the local job, I had peace and my mind was at rest. When I thought about the other job, my mind was spinning and I felt restless. I could not put it into words, but I knew I was being asked to trust God instead of what made sense, and I knew which decision that meant.

A few months after I accepted the job with the local business, the world shifted. COVID fear spread quickly, and pressure followed close behind it. Vaccine mandates were introduced, and I watched people lose jobs, reputations, friendships, and even family relationships. Government workers were backed into corners and forced to make decisions they never expected to face. The cost was real and personal, not theoretical. Some complied to survive. Others stood their ground and paid a price they did not choose. As I watched all of this unfold, I realized how different my situation could have been. Had I chosen differently, I would have been pressured to get the vaccine or lose my job. Instead, I was not compelled to inject something into my body that went against my conscience. I was able to continue working and remain at peace. That uneasiness and restlessness I felt about the job decision turned out to be God’s unseen protection, leading me long before I knew why.

I saw through that experience that God is leading me and looking out for me even when I am unaware. He cares for me not just about me. When I cannot see down the road and do not know what lies ahead, He does. And He leads me through peace. What I sensed and felt when deciding between the two jobs was peace and confusion. He led me through peace. So when I have peace about something, now I can trust that God is leading in that direction. When I have confusion, I pause and wait on God until I have peace. He never lets me down and His peace always protects me.

Recovery has helped me put practical application to my spiritual journey. My walk with God is no longer abstract or distant. I have learned that surrendering my life and will to the care of God is not a one-time decision. It is something I practice. I pray. I seek His direction. I wait. Recovery has taught me to slow down long enough to notice what is happening inside me. Waiting until I have peace protects me from haste and avoidance. It helps me make decisions with purpose and thought instead of reacting out of fear. I am no longer a victim of chance or circumstance. When I trust God, I trust His direction. And He continues to lead me the same way He always has, through peace. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, thank You for leading me even when I am unaware. Help me slow down and wait for Your peace instead of rushing ahead or forcing outcomes. Lead me today the same way You always have, through peace. Amen.

Sanity Restored

Learning to See Life Without Fear

When my time of insanity ended, I lifted my eyes to heaven and my sanity was restored. I praised the Most High and honored the One who lives forever. Daniel 4:34

Life in recovery isn’t only about doing step work and confronting the hurts, trauma, and resentments from our past. It’s also about learning how to notice what is good, beautiful, and wonderful in life. That part does not come naturally to me. Years of trauma trained me to look for danger and expect disappointment. I learned to prepare for the worst because the worst often happened. Experience convinced me that getting my hopes up only led to me being let down. I lived on edge, always waiting for the next disappointment, the next broken promise, the next rug to get pulled out from under me. I rarely expected anything good to last, if it even showed up at all. That fear shaped my thinking so deeply that it started to feel like my normal. I even interpreted that fear as peace and safety because it was all I knew and was accustomed to. I know now it was not a healthy way to live.

Recovery helped me start to see that what I had accepted as normal wasn’t actually working, even though it felt familiar. A lot of my old fear-based patterns contributed to my insane thinking, and Step Two suggests this in a non-threatening way. When it says I came to believe that God could restore me to sanity, it implies that I am insane. Otherwise, why would I need to be restored to sanity? My sponsor often reminds me of two simple truths: I have insane thinking, I’m crazy and I don’t have to stay that way because God can restore me. I’ve heard it said that my best thinking got me where I was. So, I cannot count on my old thinking to find a new way to process my thoughts and feelings. Recovery offers the solution through the 12 Steps, but it only becomes real in my life when I practice it.

I’m slowly learning to lower my guard and allow myself to notice what is good without immediately searching for the catch. That’s what the gift of recovery looks like for me, discovering that I can enjoy life and appreciate what is good and beautiful. It’s like God is saying to me, “You don’t have to live on edge anymore. You don’t have to figure out how to protect yourself from every possible disaster. Let Me restore your mind, give you peace, and remove your shame.” This allows me to open up and finally embrace life and attempt to live it to the fullest. I don’t know what may happen, but today I expect good things.

Prayer Of Awareness

Lord, help me see the beauty that is already in the world. Help me notice the good things I usually overlook because I’m guarded or afraid. Open my eyes to the small gifts You place in my path each day. As I give love, help me recognize the love around me. As I offer kindness, help me see the kindness You’ve planted in others. As I choose hope, help me notice the hope You’re growing in me. Teach me to live awake, not trapped in old fears or old ways of thinking. Help me stay present to Your goodness, Your peace, and Your healing. Let me see the world the way You see it, full of beauty, possibility, and grace. Amen.

Drink Not Drunk

Ephesians 5:18 – KJV

And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

The New Testament was originally written in Greek and then has been translated into English for those of us who do not read Greek. So let’s take a look at what this verse originally says in the Greek language.

Drunk – KJV

The word translated as “drunk” in Ephesians 5:18 is Methusko- Strongs #3182. This word is translated as “drunk” in every English translation I have researched with the exception of the J.B. Phillips New Testament which reads “don’t get your stimulus from”. And I think that he is the closest to the actual meaning of this word than all the others. It is quite alarming especially since the word in the Greek is in the Present Tense with the Passive Voice with the Infinitive. What does all that mean? Basically the word is actually Drink – Present tense. When used with the passive infinitive that means “in the process to”-it is inceptive- marking the beginning of the process. So what this one little word actually says in the Greek text is…

Do not begin to drink. With the passive voice it denotes that the process of beginning to drink causes the passive reaction of becoming drunk. The emphasis is on the process.

Excess – KJV

The word translated as “excess” is Asotia – Strongs #811. This word comes from the Greek root word Sozo- which means safety, preservation, deliverance, healing, wholeness, soundness of mind and body plus eternal life. It is usually translated as saved, salvation or healed throughout the New Testament. What is interesting is the placement of the article “a”. this little article means in opposition too. For example even in English if something is “a”-moral that means it is in opposition or against morals. So this word means in opposition to salvation.

But – KJV

The word but here is Strong’s #235 and it signifies a contrast in opposition to the preceding thought or idea just like in English.

Filled – KJV

The word for filled is Pleroo – Strongs # 4137. Now this word is very interesting. It literally means to fulfill. It too is in the Present Tense and is using the Passive voice, except it is an Imperative. That means it is not a suggestion but a command. It is a directive to be accomplished and completed.

Let the spirit fulfill you in direct contrast and opposition to wine. With the use of the passive voice, it denotes that once the decision is made to be fulfilled, it begins the process of being filled.

Spirit – KJV

The word here for spirit is Pnuema – Strongs # 4151. It is translated as spirit and many translations capitalize it indicating it is Holy Spirit. The word literally means “breath”. God has much to say in His Word about breath, but that is for another study. Suffice it to say that when someone has been drinking, whether it is one glass of wine or a single beer or a fifth of whiskey….you CAN smell it on their breath.

The overall meaning of this verse also carries the idea of a see-saw. When one side goes up, the other comes down, and vice versa. The inherent meaning is that when you are in the process of drinking wine you are not in the process of being fulfilled by the spirit. And when you are being fulfilled by the spirit you are not in the process of drinking wine. They are in opposition to each other.

Contrast this with 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8 (NKJV)

6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.

Let’s look at this word “sober”. The bible has much to say about being “sober”.

There are two main Greek words translated “sober” in the New Testament.

The first one is Nepho – Strongs #3525. This word is in the Present Tense Active Subjunctive (which means conditional action). It means free from the influence of intoxicants. My wife has been through Nursing School and told me that the Latin Nephro means having to do with the kidney. Did you know that the kidney cleanses our blood of intoxicants or toxins?

The other Greek word used is sophren – Strongs #4993. This is a compound word. It comes from sozo- our Greek word for Salvation, (so) and phren which means from the mind. It means salvation in our mind or soundness of the mind. Do you know the affect that alcohol has on the mind? Even the smallest drink “alters” our mental faculties from their optimum performance. This is undisputed.

An Overview of Ephesians

In reference to Eph. 5:18, I think it is wise to look at the context of what the writer, Paul, is saying and addressing.

Going back to Eph. 4:1 we see Paul addressing the Ephesians “to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called” He goes on and explains how this will be accomplished and then he says Ephesians 4:14 that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting.

It seems apparent that there was wild doctrine being embraced and some cunning craftiness and trickery of men. Maybe they were trying to justify their non-repentant behaviors and lifestyle?

Ephesians 4:17-24 (NKJV)

17 This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; 19 who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. 20 But you have not so learned Christ, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22 that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

What is he talking about here? That the believers should no longer act like they used to act, but change, put on the new man and renew the mind (repent change of thinking) which was created in righteousness and holiness.

Then he begins to “break it down for them” what he means. This way there is no ambiguity. In verses 4:25, 5:1, 5:7, 5:17, 5:24, 6:10 & 6:13 He begins addressing several specific points and how to “put off the old man” and “put on the new man” in each scenario. The whole overview of chapters 4-6 is about how to walk out the new life and putting on the new man. As he also mention in Galatians not to walk in the flesh but the spirit. This is what Paul is talking about. So when we look at Eph. 5:18 we must remember the context of what Paul is talking about. He is not talking about drinking wine in moderation. The concept of moderation goes contrary to what Jesus said about a little leaven leavening the whole loaf. Moderation is Not a biblical concept it is exactly what Paul warned us about the cunning craftiness of some men’s doctrine to justify their actions and non-repentant lifestyle. If Paul was referring to moderation then it would suffice that he was in each of the points he specifically addressed. If we can apply the same criteria to each point and it is supported by the whole of the Bible, then we need to seriously consider the argument. If that be the case then we must address each of Paul’s issues the same way.

The first one he addresses in Eph. 4:25 is lying. Apparently just getting saved didn’t automatically stop them from lying. They actually had to put that off. Is there moderation in lying? I know that some would say if the ends justify the means or if some good comes out of it or a myriad of other “plausible” excuses. I don’t see that in the whole of scripture. I can’t find any place where God rewarded someone for lying. Or where He didn’t rebuke or correct it. There is no moderation for lying. Strike one on moderation.

Next up is Eph. 5:1. Be imitators of God and walk in love. Apparently again being saved didn’t automatically make them walk in love. They were told to put on the new man. Imitate God and walk in love. Put off fornication, uncleanness and covetousness. This was something they had to do to put off the old man and put on the new man…A change in behavior. Let’s just pick one here fornication…Is there moderation with fornication? Here again some say yes. They reason that you can’t stop people from having sex outside of marriage, it is unreasonable. So as long as they are “in love” it’s ok. However this position is not supported by scripture. It is a humanistic argument that makes sense due to the cunning craftiness of men to justify their actions instead of changing their behavior. Strike two for moderation.

It is interesting that in Eph. 5:17 the verse just before 18 Paul says

Ephesians 5:17 (NKJV)

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

The word here for unwise is (aphron a=opposite / phron=sober mind) the opposite for a root word for “sober” that is translated elsewhere in the bible. And then He tells us CLEARLY understand what the will of the Lord is… Do not drink wine but be filled with the spirit. The whole argument Paul was making going back to the beginning of chapter four is to walk in the spirit. Put off the old man and put on the new man…Which we have in Christ.

Unfortunately we have done just the opposite. We focus on the negative and not the positive. And we make excuses for our behaviors that we do not want to change and repent of. And try to find doctrines to justify our behaviors so we won’t feel guilty for our non-repentant lifestyle. 1 John tells us that if our conscience condemns us we have an advocate with the Father, but if our conscience does not condemn us we have confidence before God. It is our own heart that causes us to feel guilty for the things we do that are not in line with God’s will for us to put off the old man and put on the new.

My final thought is a heart question…

Whatever it is that you do, why do you do it? If it has no power over you and it’s “not a problem”, then why hold onto it? Why not put it off, for love of Him? What could it hurt?

If you honestly ask yourself that question and honestly answer it to yourself and to God. You will have the answer yourself. God loves you enough to sacrifice His most precious and prized thing, His Son. Do you love Him enough to sacrifice your most prized and precious thing? How important is it anyway?

How Recovery Brought Me Back To God

A story of honesty, healing, and rediscovering grace.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

Recovery did not just help me stop self destructive behavior. It helped me rediscover who God really is. The story of how that happened is where this devotional begins.

When I first came into recovery, I was hiding from God. I had known God closely once and never stopped believing in Him, but I wanted nothing to do with church or religion. I did not want to be preached at or told what I should be doing. I felt I had drifted too far away, was now too broken, and too ashamed to face Him again.

I avoided churches of any kind, yet it seemed like most recovery meetings were held in one, and I avoided those too.

Attending my first Christ centered recovery group happened completely by accident. Or did it. I do not believe in coincidences.

I had gone to my regular Friday night meeting, but when I arrived, no one was there. I walked up and down the empty halls of the school, checking classrooms and even interrupting another meeting by mistake. I called everyone I knew, and finally someone told me there was no meeting that night.

I was crushed. I needed a meeting. It had been a rough day, and the thought of being alone that night was unbearable. I was scared.

As I sat there in my car, desperate for connection, I remembered that sign at the church.

Sitting there, uneasy feelings of rejection and being unloved began to surface. I thought about that sign in front of the church that I drove past on my way to my meeting. It seemed to jump out at me that night and catch my attention.

It said Celebrate Recovery. It sounded like a meeting, but it was still in a church, and that did not feel safe. Did I mention I used to attend that church. Yeah. Talk about insult to injury.

Every time I drove past it, I told myself, “That’s not for me.”

But that night something felt different. I did not want to go home, and I did not want to be alone. I knew the meeting was already well underway and probably almost over, but I had enough recovery to know that some meeting was better than no meeting.

So I decided to take a chance.

The sign said it started at seven. I walked in around seven forty five, and the meeting was still going and just breaking into share groups.

This was different. It was a welcome change.

A man named Jeff greeted me like he had been waiting for me to arrive. He asked my name and what brought me there. I was caught off guard. It felt personal to be asked that directly, but as I later learned, that is recovery in action.

I told him I was just looking for a meeting, and he smiled and said, “You found one.”

That night marked the beginning of something I never expected. A renewed connection with God.

He was bringing me back to Him slowly and at my pace, even though I had done everything I could to keep Him at arm’s distance.

I felt like the prodigal son being welcomed home. For the first time in a long time, something inside me stirred. It was hope.

It did not take long for me to realize something was happening that I could not fully explain. I was not just going to meetings anymore. I was starting to open up.

Each time I shared honestly, something inside me loosened.

The walls I had built to protect myself were starting to come down. I began to sense God’s presence again. I started to feel like it might be safe to trust these people.

An experience I had as a teenager convinced me that trusting church people with my struggles and fears was impossible. But the people in recovery did not judge me or preach at me. They listened. They understood. They cared.

In their acceptance, I began to see God’s grace in practice.

Recovery was doing what religion never could. It was teaching me how to be honest, how to trust, how to connect, and how to belong again.

Somewhere in that process, I realized that God had not given up on me. He had been waiting there the whole time for me to humble myself, let go of my resentments, and surrender to His will.

As I followed the suggestion to keep coming back, I noticed these meetings had three parts. There was a time of worship and giving thanks to God, a time of teaching or testimony, and then the share groups.

The share groups were familiar to me from other recovery meetings, so that is where I started. Once I understood the structure, I began arriving just in time for them, and that was okay. No one looked down on me or made me feel different. I was accepted just as I was.

After a while, I started showing up right after the worship so I could hear the teaching on one of the steps or listen to someone share their story. Jeff, the man who greeted me that first night, became my sponsor.

He encouraged me, which is a nice way of saying he told me, that it was time to stop running from God. He invited me to attend the whole meeting, including the worship. I reluctantly agreed. I am so glad I did.

Through those moments of worship, something came alive in me again. God was meeting me where I was and gently leading me home. I started to feel grateful.

I did not realize it at the time, but each small step I took toward honesty, connection, and openness was also a step toward God. I had been running from Him for so long, but through recovery He patiently waited for me to come back.

The verse says, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8.

For years, I thought that meant I had to clean myself up first. What I really had to do was show up. One honest step in His direction. God did the rest.

Looking back now, I can see that recovery did not just bring me healing. It brought me back to God. It brought me home.

My relationship with God is no longer based on performance. It is based on understanding that He accepts me just as I am. I began to see that in the rooms of recovery, and it helped me understand that God accepts me, listens to me, and loves me, imperfections and all.

This devotional was written from that place. From the heart of someone who discovered that healing is not just about recovery, but about relationship. My prayer is that as you read these reflections, you experience the same grace that brought me home

Options

Awareness Before Reaction

The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps. Proverbs 14:15

I had a situation last week that upset me very much. I was forced to make a decision and I didn’t respond well. I felt powerless. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was hurt, and so I called my sponsor. I told him about the situation that was going on and how I reacted. He asked me a very simple question. But the answer to the question didn’t seem so simple to me. He asked me, what other options did you have? And that question made me even more upset. Because I didn’t think I had any other options or I would have done something different to begin with. But by the mere fact of him asking me what other options did you have, made me realize there were other options I could have chosen that I didn’t think about at the time. And that embarrassed me and made me even more mad.

But as I considered his question, I replayed the scenario and started to think about what other options did I have. I could have chosen to speak up sooner. I could have asked for more time to decide. I could have done nothing at all. As we talked through this, that question was followed up with another question. Which one of your character defects was being affected by this? Aargh. Of course. What is my part? I chuckled, because I knew if I could get there, I would find the solution. What I began to see was a pattern. I bottle up emotions and don’t do anything about them until one more thing becomes the tipping point. The explosion is never just about the current situation, but about all the others I ignored before it. And if I can identify that pattern and my part in it, then I am better equipped to respond healthier in the future and not have uncontrolled explosions of my emotions.

What recovery is helping me see is that I do have options. Awareness gives me space to pause and consider them. As I continue to grow, I see progress. I see this same kind of progress in other areas of my life too. It doesn’t happen all at once, but it is real, and it reminds me that recovery is working. What I used to never notice, I now see. At first, I would notice it after the fact and call my sponsor. Then I began to catch it sooner. Over time, I started to catch myself in the moment and stop. And slowly, something deeper began to change. The behaviors and attitudes that once drove my reactions are being transformed, and I am learning to respond instead of react.

Reflection
Where in my life am I reacting out of habit instead of pausing to consider my options?

Stopping the Spin

My circumstances didn’t change. Gratitude changed my perspective.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

I was in an automobile accident a while back. I was driving home late one night from umpiring a bunch of baseball games. I was exhausted from the long day in the heat, and I nodded off to sleep. I hit another truck full on from behind. I was physically ok. No injuries or harm to my body, except a small scratch and a bruise on my arm and chest where my seat belt was. I know God was protecting me, because my truck was completely totaled.

For several days after, I kept replaying the event in my mind. I was stuck in a cycle of “woe is me.” What am I going to do now? I kept thinking incessantly about how this would impact me financially. I was spinning for sure. Then suddenly, I was interrupted by a different thought from inside of me. Why don’t you choose to think of good things? Where did that come from? At first, I pushed back. What is good in this situation? Nothing!

Then it hit me. Maybe I needed to choose on purpose to think on different things. This wasn’t going to happen automatically. So I decided to try. In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything good related to the situation at all. So I decided to be thankful for God. He kept me safe. I started to thank God. It would be realistic to say I tried, because it was very hard. Then I had another thought I learned in the rooms of recovery. I can do something for five minutes that would appall me if I thought I had to do it forever. It was very hard in that moment, but I did it anyway. After a few minutes, it got easier, and I was able to regain my thoughts instead of them running wild. I purposed in my heart and mind to do it by choice. Then I had a time of it, and my perspective changed instantly. I have enough recovery and conscious contact with God that all I needed was a tiny spark to ignite me in the right direction. It doesn’t just happen automatically. I have learned that being thankful and making a gratitude list can break me out of this spiraling cycle. It’s not in knowing what to do, but in actually doing it, that I see my freedom.

Prayer
God, show me the good things in my life, especially when things feel unmanageable and my mind starts racing and I feel overwhelmed. Help me slow down and breathe. Give me the courage to choose differently and the strength to act. When I am stuck, remind me that You accept me just as I am. Amen.

When I Am Afraid

Trusting God in the middle of fear.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. Psalm 56:3

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I did not want to admit that I was powerless or that my life was unmanageable. Even the suggestion actually made me angry. My sponsor told me that anger is a secondary emotion and that underneath it there is usually fear. He said fear often shows up when I am afraid of something happening or not happening. If I could identify the fear, it would help me deal with the anger. Even hearing that made me angry. I insisted that I was not afraid and not angry. As a Christian, those emotions felt unacceptable to me. In my mind, fear and anger meant a lack of faith.

What changed me was being confronted with the Scriptures that did not say what I thought they did. David said, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” David did not deny fear. He acknowledged that he had fear and how he dealt with it. Scripture also says, “Be angry, and do not sin.” I had always read that as “Do not ever be angry,” when in reality it was telling me what to do with anger when it shows up. My sponsor also gave me an acrostic for fear: Face Everything And Recover. So I decided to follow the program and the advice of my sponsor. I asked myself an honest question. What am I afraid of?

That question exposed something deeper. I realized I was afraid because I had a core belief that I was not good enough. I spent years, trying so hard to be good enough to be loved and accepted by anyone, that I subconsciously thought I could buy it from God through my good actions and beliefs. But I was deceived by this thought process. I had never been fully honest with myself or with God about my fear. I denied I had fear because of my biblical knowledge. Once I finally admitted that I was afraid and needed help, I asked God to help me. It is amazing how quickly the help came. The fear easily dissipated and the anger I was feeling left with the fear.

My situations and circumstances didn’t change nor did my past, but what did change was I became willing to face what was real instead of denying it. For the first time, I realized that acknowledging fear didn’t dismiss my faith. In fact it made it stronger and I saw that trusting God was the way through fear and anger. The slogan Let Go and Let God took on new meaning for me.

Prayer

Father, help me recognize and not deny when fear shows up in my life. Show me what I am afraid of and why. Teach me to trust You in the middle of fear. I want to bring everything to You and trust in You. Help me let go of control and trust You to lead me through fear. Amen.

Right Here, Right Now

Learning to live in the moment.

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be happy today. Psalm 118:24

I remember the first time I really understood what it meant to be double minded. Scripture says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways, but for years that felt more like a concept than something practical. One Sunday I was sitting in church listening to a guest speaker. To be honest, I was not that interested. Then my phone buzzed with a text from a family member. I picked my phone to read it. They were asking about dinner plans that evening. I immediately heard something inside me say, “Are you present, or are you being double minded?” It stopped me in my tracks. That was my aha moment. Double minded wasn’t just about the Bible or my beliefs about God, it was about how I engage in everyday life. I realized being present meant my mind and my body needed to be in the same place at the same time. My body was sitting in church, but my mind was somewhere else. I decided to put action to this new understanding. So, I set my phone down, turned it face down so I wouldn’t be tempted and distracted. I asked God to help me get something, even one thing, from what was being shared. I did. But the real lesson that day was not the sermon. It was the calmness inside my mind that stayed with me.

What struck me later was how ironic it was. I had spent years in church trying to grasp spiritual truths like this, yet it did not really come alive until after I started recovery. When it did, it was like a dam bursting open. I began to see how often my mind drifted away from where my body was. Practicing the principles of recovery has helped me put practical application to spiritual ideas like this. It was like there was another layer of denial I had never realized was being peeled away. I saw how I was still escaping in my mind from where I was physically. I would replay a past event, trying to rewrite the outcome somehow, or worry about the future and how to control it. My mind was everywhere except where my feet were planted. In reality, it was exhausting. I had never noticed before how rarely I was actually present in my own life.

Learning to keep my mind where my body was took practice, and at first it was hard. But the more I made a conscious effort to keep my thoughts focused on what was happening in front of me, the more I started to notice God working right there. Many times I received answers to things I had been praying about. Staying in the moment brought a peace and calmness that felt almost tangible. My mind was no longer rehearsing future conversations or trying to rebuild a happier past. I was right here, right now. And when I was fully present, I actually enjoyed where I was and the people around me. I decided to be there for a reason, so I started to let my mind be there too. I began to notice the laughter, the quiet, and the simple moments of everyday life opening up like a bouquet of roses that had been there all along, just waiting for me to stop and smell.

Reflection
Where do I tend to escape in my mind when I feel uncomfortable or bored?

I Was Really Fighting Myself

I wasn’t being attacked spiritually. I was being triggered. That changed my perspective.

We demolish arguments and every proud thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I recently had someone do something mean and hurtful to me. It hurt very much and I was angry as well as hurt. I began to process that. Then Ephesians 6:12 came to mind. I am not wrestling against flesh and blood, but wicked spiritual forces. My first instinct was familiar. I told myself, My problem is not with this person but with the spiritual forces influencing them. I began to pray the way I had many times before, praying for this person to be free from the evil spirits causing them to act that way. I was sincere. I wanted relief. I wanted justice. Mostly, I wanted the pain to stop.

In the middle of that prayer, a sudden and different thought interrupted me. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because it was calm, clear, simple and it brought peace. Instead of binding the spirit governing him, why not bind the spirit governing you? I resisted that at first. I wasn’t the one who caused the hurt. I wasn’t the one acting out. Then I was made aware. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one offended. I was the one angry. My thinking was being influenced, affecting my emotions and my behaviors.

I saw recovery here. I wasn’t being attacked. I was being triggered. My buttons were being pushed. I was reacting, rehearsing the offense, and letting resentment take up space in my mind. I finally saw it. I had been trying to control someone else instead of practicing self-control. I was asking God to change someone else’s behavior instead of asking Him to change mine. I have learned in recovery that I can have peace in the midst of chaos. I don’t have to succumb to hurt, anger and resentment. I can give them over to God and allow peace and love fill its place. This is about me and my core issues.

I see spiritual warfare differently now. Instead of praying that God will change someone else, I pray that God will help me see what I can do to change the way I’m thinking. I ask Him to help me forgive and walk in love so I don’t hold onto grudges or resentments. That’s where recovery shows up for me. I do step work to keep me from staying hurt, angry, or resentful. This is what spiritual warfare looks like in real life. It’s using self-control instead of control. It’s spiritual recovery in action.

Prayer
God, help me when I am hurt to get control of my thoughts. Show me what needs to change in me so I don’t become angry or resentful. Reveal to me my part and give me wisdom to know how to change. I ask for Your strength to walk in love and to forgive. Amen.

As I Understood Him

Recovery didn’t change God… it changed how I saw Him.

You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God. Colossians 3:10

I used to think that since I am already a believer in Jesus, I did not need any steps except One, Jesus. I clung to the phrase “Jesus and me, we make a majority”. I thought that embracing the 12 Steps was literally taking a step down to a lower level of reality. My belief not only made it hard for me to walk into the rooms in the first place, but I resisted it so much that I encouraged others to resist it too. When I did finally come to recovery, I was very cautious and skeptical because I struggled with the wording of Step Three. “We surrender our life and will to the care of God as we understood Him”. I got stuck on that phrase. I was not open minded. I thought it was suggesting that I could create a God of my own making. I thought it was saying I could invent my own version of God, and that is idolatry. It felt completely wrong to me.

Over time, as I listened and meditated and thought about the wording, something softened in me. I realized I had been hearing what I thought it said and what I may have heard others say instead of what it actually said. It did not say the God of my understanding. It said God as I understood Him. That one small shift in wording opened something big inside me. That realization took a weight off me I did not even know I was carrying. It dawned on me. It was not saying that I was creating a different God or my own God. It meant I was growing in how I understood the same God I had always believed in. He has not changed. He has always been the same. But the way I saw Him began to change. My old ideas and the fears that I had attached to God started breaking down. Instead of seeing Him as strict, disappointed, or waiting for me to mess up, I began to see Him through the lens of grace. The Bible says it is by grace we are saved. And although I knew that intellectually, because of my thinking, I still perceived Him as a God of judgment and felt like I could never get His approval because I was not good enough.

Now my understanding of God looks different than it did back then. I see Him as loving and gentle and patient with me. I see Him offering forgiveness, compassion, and second chances that never run out. He gives unlimited do overs. I see Him accepting me as I really am, not as how I think I should be. I no longer feel like I have to earn His approval. And the more my understanding changes, the more peace I feel. Now I breathe easier, especially in moments when I catch myself lifting my head a little higher, throwing my shoulders back, and smiling because I feel safe with Him. Recovery has not changed God. Recovery has changed how I perceive Him, and that change has changed everything. I now accept that He brings me comfort, hope, and joy that I did not have before.

Reflection: What old beliefs about God do I need to let go of so I can live the new life He is forming in me?

Scraping Ice

Sometimes clarity starts with doing the things I don’t want to do.

We can’t allow ourselves to get tired of living the right way. Galatians 6:9

One of my “favorite“ things to do in the winter is scraping the ice off the windshield of my car every morning. I say that tongue in cheek because it is one of my least favorite things. I stand there in the cold, hands hurting, clothes getting wet and wishing the ice would magically just disappear. I am a hot weather person and I would take a hot sunny day over a cold day every single day and twice on Sunday. If I was to say I hate cold weather I don’t think that would be too strong a word. As I was begrudgingly clearing my windows of this loathsome task, I started thinking about other things in my life that I don’t like to do, but I do them anyway. It is frustrating, inconvenient, and uncomfortable… but the payoff is greater than the pain. In this case the windshield clears. My day moves forward. The discomfort has a purpose and eventually passes.

I started thinking about how recovery has been the same way. There were things I didn’t want to face, and for years I avoided them. I pretended they weren’t there, hoping they would melt on their own. My sponsor once told me that in order to recover I needed “face everything and recover.” That was his acronym for fear, and apparently I had a lot of it and didn’t see it in myself. I didn’t like it, but I needed it. I have learned that the only way out is through. I couldn’t run, hide, ignore, or avoid anymore. I had to face the decisions, the conversations, the truths, the parts of myself I didn’t want to see. Moment by moment and a little bit at a time.

Today I’m grateful because, by working the steps, I can now confront those things that I avoided and ran from before. I am learning how to face the challenges in front of me one by one. I try to focus on doing what’s right for today, and trust that God will handle the outcomes. This allows me to take in grace with each breath and let out fear with each exhale. And little by little, I am seeing things more clearly.

Prayer: Father, thank You for helping me face the things I would rather avoid. Give me the strength to keep doing what is right even when it feels uncomfortable. Help me trust that each step forward matters and that You are clearing my view as I keep moving. Amen.

Doing His Job

Trusting the One who sees the road.

So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together for good… Romans 8:28

I read a post on social media where someone was upset about driving on the highway behind a highway patrol officer. The officer was going about five miles over the speed limit for thirty or forty miles, and all the traffic moved at his pace. What bothered the person was not that traffic was crawling, but that it was not moving fast enough for their liking. The officer was criticized for being unreasonable and inconsiderate. What stood out to me was that the officer was doing exactly what his job required. Highway patrol is literally in the name. He was hired to manage traffic, keep it flowing safely, and look out for the public’s best interest, whether it was appreciated or not.

At first, I thought the complaint sounded unrealistic. The officer was already above the speed limit and clearly focused on safety and flow. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw myself. I get frustrated when things do not move at the pace I expect. I want answers, progress, healing, or change to happen faster. When they do not, I question the process. Sometimes I question God. Why are You not going faster? Why does this feel stalled? Why am I still here? Just like the driver on the highway, I focus on my urgency instead of the bigger picture unfolding in front of me.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that God is doing His job too. He is not passive or absent. He is guiding, protecting, and keeping things moving in ways I may not recognize in the moment. Just because I do not like the pace does not mean nothing is happening. It does not mean I am not moving, growing, or making progress. Acceptance, for me, is trusting that God sees the whole road when I only see my lane. He sees what lies ahead, what I cannot yet see. It means trusting that He is working things out for my good, even when progress feels slower than I want. When I let go of my expectations for how fast life should move, I begin to notice that His peace is already here, right where I am. I am still moving forward, still growing, even when it does not feel like it.

Prayer
God, thank You for continually looking out for my best interest and leading me. Help me accept and understand that Your pace is keeping me safe. Give me Your peace and grace to trust that You are guiding me, even when I am not aware. Thank You for working things out for my good. Amen.

Willingness and Goodwill

How God prepared my heart long before I was willing.

The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Psalm 37:23

After leaving the ministry, I struggled to find a job in a way I never had before. I was depressed and it showed. One friend told me he knew who I was and what I was capable of, but he would never hire me because I was such a downer. That hurt, but it was true. I needed to pick myself up. At first, I did it outwardly, not because I felt better, but because I needed to function. Eventually, I was hired as a manager with Goodwill Industries. I had no idea what I would really be doing there or the impact it would have on me and my perspective. Looking back, I can see now that God was leading me toward healing and wholeness, even though I was not aware of it at the time.

Working at Goodwill changed me in ways I did not expect. I worked with people who were disadvantaged or disabled, many of whom were learning very basic life and work skills. Things like setting an alarm clock, showing up on time, and being ready to work mattered more than resumes or ambition. As I walked alongside them, something began to shift in me. I was no longer as dogmatic or critical toward those I once viewed as less fortunate. I started seeing them as equals. It does not please me to admit this, but it is the truth, and my healing and recovery depend on me being honest. I began to accept and listen to others. I became willing to consider possibilities I had never allowed before. I met and became friends with people whose beliefs were completely opposite of mine, yet I discovered we often valued the same things, just for very different reasons. I became aware of my tendency to prejudge people and made a conscious effort to stop. Over time, I broke free from the suffocating grip of being judgmental. I thought God gave me that job so I could help others, but I can see now that God placed me there so others could help me. God used them to transform me.

What I could not see then was how much that season was preparing me. At the time, I had completely rejected recovery. I openly refuted it and even spoke against it in my teachings and sermons. I was certain it was unnecessary. And yet, I was working every day with people who were in recovery, watching them learn basic skills, rebuild their lives, and move forward in practical ways. Somehow, I overlooked that. I did not connect the dots. I can see now that God was placing me close enough to recovery to witness its fruit, but not yet willing to accept it for myself. That season softened me. It humbled me. It slowed me down. It did not change everything, and it did not lead me straight into recovery. But it created a crack. The hardness around my heart and the walls around my thinking began to weaken. Nearly ten years later, when I finally hit my bottom, I was no longer as closed as I once had been. God had been preparing me long before I was willing to admit I needed help.

Prayer
Father, thank You for leading me patiently, even when I could not recognize it at the time. Thank You for using ordinary work and ordinary people to soften my heart and reshape my thinking. Help me trust that You are still guiding me, one step at a time, even when I do not yet understand where You are leading. Amen.