Feelings Follow Actions

Take The Next Step

Change didn’t start when I felt better. It started after I acted.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

For most of my life I built a wall so I would not have to feel my feelings. I did not want to deal with those unpleasant emotions that made me feel so uncomfortable. I had learned how to shut things down and keep on moving. But when I came into recovery, and once I started working the steps, that door opened. And like a floodgate being released, all of those feelings and emotions I had been holding back for years suddenly started coming out. I was trying to feel them and experience them, but I did not know how. I didn’t know what to do with them. And many times they were confusing too, because they would intermingle and come at the same time. I remember a moment when I received some great amazing news and some horribly bad news within about 30 minutes of each other. My wife and I had just found out we were pregnant after several years of trying. We were elated and so happy. It was wonderful. And then a little later, I received a call that my dad had passed away. I was sad and angry. And then confused. Life and death all in less than an hour’s time. I felt happy and angry and sad all at the same time. I called my sponsor to get some help. He simply said, “Those are and feelings.” I began to realize that it was good that I was no longer running from my feelings. I was finally experiencing my emotions and acknowledging that they were real. But I also started to see how much of a roller coaster life becomes if I allow my emotions to become the determining factor for everything I do.

I’ve heard it said many times in the rooms of recovery, and I have found it to be true in my own life, that you can’t think your way into better behavior, but you can act your way into better thinking. And over time I began to see that the same thing is true with feelings. I cannot feel my way into better behavior, but I can act my way into better feelings. When I let my emotions dictate my actions, my life becomes unstable and reactive. I start making decisions based on how I feel in the moment, and that usually doesn’t lead me anywhere good. But when I choose to take healthy actions first, even when I don’t feel like it, something begins to shift. My behavior starts to change. And as my behavior begins to change, something starts to shift in my thinking. And as my thinking begins to change, my feelings begin to follow. Those simple actions, the ones that don’t seem like much in the moment, begin to calm the storm inside me.

Step Two says that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me, the action in that step is in the word came. I would have never started believing any of this if I had not come in the first place. I had to get up out of my feel-sorry-for-myself life and take myself down the road to a place where I could hear how to change. Not every action in recovery is grand or dramatic. Many of them are simple and even mundane. Showing up. Listening. Taking the next right step. But those small actions begin to change my behavior, and when my behavior changes it is amazing how my feelings begin to change too. I came, and then I began to believe. And as I kept showing up and taking those simple actions, I started to feel different too.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop letting my feelings run my life. Teach me to walk by faith and take the next right step, even when I don’t feel like it. I surrender the outcome to You. Amen.

My Mind Took Off

Slowing It Down

My mind can take me places that aren’t even real. I’m learning to catch it, slow it down, and come back to what’s actually true.

We are even taking every thought prisoner so that it is obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

I was in a meeting recently, and I really wanted to share. I felt like I had something valuable to offer. It was a tag meeting, and I was used to being called on. But this time, I wasn’t. And just like that, my mind took off. Maybe they don’t like me anymore. I had given a lead share just a week prior, so my mind tried to convince me that maybe I said something wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t good enough. That hit my core character defect, feeling like I’m not good enough. I even started playing out scenarios in my head, full conversations. They all got together and had a private meeting where they were talking about me. They all agreed not to call on me anymore. That I had done or said something wrong.

This is crazy thinking. I know. I also know that when I start thinking like this, it’s a good sign I need to revisit Step 2. I have insane thinking. I can carry on full conversations in my head and create entire scenarios that aren’t real. These are the things I did before recovery. And what really stood out to me was the contradiction. I’m thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough, yet at the same time thinking I’m so important that everyone is talking about me.

Then I realized there are 30 to 40 people in this meeting. Basic math tells me not everyone is going to get a chance to share. There are other people there that want to share too. That helped me put things in perspective. Maybe everything isn’t about me. Maybe they aren’t talking about me either. When I got some perspective, and spent some time in prayer and meditation, I could see this was less about rejection and more about my pride. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to contribute. And when that didn’t happen, I was disappointed. That’s normal. Recovery is helping me recognize it, identify it, and put it in its proper perspective so I don’t get pulled back into the same old thinking. When I do that, I don’t get my feelings hurt, and I don’t act out with manipulation or damage my relationships the way I used to.

Prayer
Father, help me slow down when my mind starts to take off. Help me bring it back to what is real and true. I don’t want to go back to that old thinking. Thank You for keeping me in Your hands. Amen.

Faith That Shows Up

Trusting the Process

I used to think faith was something I believed. Now I’m learning it’s something I do. Showing up, even for 15 minutes, changed more than I expected.

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. Hebrews 11:1

The topic in my meeting last night was, what does faith mean to me. I paused for a moment, because sometimes I can get stuck on how something is said and completely miss the meaning and intent. So, I decided to try and consider what was really being asked instead. I used to only attribute faith to biblical principles and ideas. But the phrasing of the question, and listening to others share, got me thinking about it differently. I wanted to identify the practical application of faith, especially as it relates to my recovery. As I listened, I was reminded of when I first started recovery and hearing the phrase, “Keep coming back, it works.” Honestly, that sounded cute, but it didn’t make much sense to me at the time. How was going to a meeting and listening to other people’s problems going to fix anything around me? I was looking for answers to my own problems, not take on someone else’s too. I wanted to figure things out and control the situation. But something in me was willing to take a chance anyway. This was something new, something I knew nothing about. It was a risk. It meant trusting something that didn’t make sense. It was a paradox.

I remember one time I showed up late to a meeting because of work and everything else going on. I only caught the last 15 minutes. I almost didn’t go. I thought, what’s the point? Drive all the way there just for it to be over. But I went anyway and I stayed. And I got something out of those 15 minutes. Honestly, I got a lot out of it. After the meeting, my sponsor told me something I’ve never forgotten. He said, a little bit of recovery is better than no recovery at all. That stuck with me. Showing up like that, going anyway just for 15 minutes, that was faith. Staying after the meeting and talking with my sponsor was faith. It was doing the next right thing. It was taking action even when I didn’t feel like it or understand it. That is what faith means to me.

What I’ve found is that when I keep coming back, something starts to change. Not everything around me, but something inside me. I begin to change. And even when that wasn’t my original goal, it became the result. Faith, for me, is being willing to trust the process, even when everything in me is telling me otherwise. It’s believing something good can come out of all the pain of my past, even when I don’t see it yet. It’s practical. It shows up in action, in willingness, going to meetings and working the steps. And little by little, I see it working. My life has gotten better one step, one action at a time.

Prayer
Father, help me to trust You even when it doesn’t make sense. Give me the willingness to show up and take the next right step. Teach me how to live this out in my daily life. Amen.

Self Reliance

Back to Basics

I still need God. I still need people. That hasn’t changed.

Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. Proverbs 3:5

I was recently asked to share at a beginners meeting. What I heard in the readings was this reminder: go to meetings and share when I can, get a sponsor, work all the Steps in order starting with Step One, read recovery literature every day, and use the phone between meetings. And I saw something subtle lurking inside me. It’s easy for me to become complacent as things get better. As I experience more peace and happiness, I can drift and forget what brought me here. It reminded me why I came to recovery in the first place. It reminded me not to become complacent, not to drift, not to start thinking I did this on my own. If I could have found this peace and happiness through my own self-reliance, I would have. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It eluded me at every turn, no matter how much I longed for it.

Realizing that I need God and other people humbles me. It keeps me simple. It keeps me seeking. It reminds me I haven’t arrived and I don’t have it all together. That kind of thinking leads me right back to relapse. It takes me back to old behaviors and a life I no longer want. I need this. I need Him. I need people.

So what do I do? I pray. I sincerely pray and seek God for His will, His wisdom, and His direction in my life. I choose to accept the changes He wants to make in me. I reach out to other people and am vulnerable, sharing my true self. That keeps me humble. It pushes back pride. Living this way has brought me what matters most to me now. Something I longed for my whole life but didn’t even know I was missing. That is connection. Real relationships. First with God, and then with other people. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to continue doing the next right thing. Help me keep doing what I did in the beginning. Thank You for reminding me that I need not only You but others. Give me the courage to continue this journey and keep reaching out and seeking help. Amen.

Why I Need to Be Right

Hearing vs Proving

I didn’t realize how much I needed to be right… until I saw how it kept me from actually listening.

My dear brothers and sisters, always be willing to listen and slow to speak. Do not become angry easily. James 1:19

I was having a conversation with a friend, and we had different opinions about something. It wasn’t heated, we just saw things differently and were discussing it. At one point, we were both talking at the same time, neither one of us really listening. I remember saying, “You’re not listening. You keep interrupting me.” That was when our discussion turned into an argument. And I was convinced they were the problem.

Later, I prayed about it. I was seeking God’s wisdom about the situation. But I was also asking God to show me how I was right and they were wrong. But instead, God showed me something different. He showed me I was doing the exact same thing. When I was saying that they were not listening and kept interrupting me, I was talking over them too. I wasn’t listening either. And what He really showed me was a shift in my mindset. Instead of saying, “You’re not listening,” I could have said, “I feel like I’m unheard. I feel like what I say doesn’t matter.” That’s different. That would have been more honest and vulnerable. Because I really don’t know what’s going on inside of them, but I do have an idea of what’s going on inside me.

I also know that is recovery. Keeping the focus on me. Staying on my own side of the street. Keeping my nose on my own face. Using I and me statements instead of you. When I shifted my perspective to what I was feeling instead of what they were doing, I saw it. I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough again. That is my character defect being hit. It really had nothing to do with my friend at all. I was feeling unimportant and unheard. That is all me. What really stood out to me was this. I was able to listen when God corrected me, but I wasn’t willing to listen to my friend. With God, I was submitted, open, and willing to hear. But in that conversation, I was more focused on being right than being willing. It makes me think… if I had approached my friend with that same posture, with more humility and respect, I might have actually been able to listen to them in the first place.

When that feeling of not being good enough gets triggered, I start trying to prove myself instead of just being honest about what I feel. With God’s help and the tools of recovery, I am seeing that more clearly. Praying about it helped me pause, take inventory, and give it over to God. But it also showed me something else. The same way I’m willing to listen when God corrects me, I want to start bringing that same willingness into my conversations with other people. Not trying to prove I’m right, but being willing to hear. Being willing to pause. Being willing to stay open. I don’t have to fix the other person. I just have to stay honest about what’s going on in me and be willing to listen. And that changes everything. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, Teach me how to listen and understand. Help me keep my focus on what’s going on in me, not others. Keep me honest, open, and teachable. Thank You. Amen.

The Battle For Peace

Taking Thoughts Captive

I’m learning that I can have peace in spite of what’s happening around me. It comes from what I’m thinking about.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I didn’t realize how important my thinking was. I really started to see this when I started working through the steps. I used to think my thoughts just happened, and I had no control over them. But I’m learning that’s not true. I have a part in what I think about. I can choose what I give my attention to. That may sound simple, maybe even a little repetitive, but it’s real. When I keep going over negative thoughts, fear, and everything that could possibly go wrong, I feel it. It shows up in my body, my attitude, and how I respond to people. But when I start focusing my attention on what is good, what is right, what builds me up, something changes. I start to feel peace rise within me.

Paul talks about this in Philippians. He doesn’t tell me to control everything around me. He points me back to what I’m thinking about. He tells me to think on what is true, good, pure, and worth holding onto. Not everything that could fall apart or go wrong. Because when I let my mind run wild, it will gravitate toward fear, worry, and the what ifs. Then that’s exactly what I start to feel. But when I bring my thinking back to what is right and what God says, there’s a peace that shows up that I can’t explain. I didn’t figure it out. I didn’t earn it. I just stopped feeding the wrong thoughts and started agreeing with the right ones.

This really is a battle, and it’s happening in my mind. I don’t get to sit this one out. Thoughts come in that don’t line up with who God is or what He says about me. Things like I’m not good enough, something bad is about to happen, or I’m not going to make it. When that happens, I’m learning to catch it and deal with it right there. I hold it up against the truth. If it doesn’t line up, I don’t keep it. I let it go. I tell myself no, that’s not true. Then I go back to what God says. That’s how I take thoughts captive. And little by little, peace starts to fill my mind and my heart. I walk and live in that peace, and I experience the promise of serenity. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to pay attention to what I’m thinking about. Show me when I’m agreeing with fear instead of truth. Teach me to come back to what You say. Thank You for Your peace. Amen.

Living Amends

Practice Pause

I used to think amends meant apologizing for everything I felt guilty about. Now I’m learning to slow down, look at what’s going on inside me, and stop creating the same damage.

A wise person is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
Proverbs 14:16

I was in a meeting last night and the topic was Step 9, making amends. It’s been a while since I made my initial inventory and worked it all the way through to amends. That first time was different though. I’ve gone through the steps many times over the years, including making amends. Today amends looks more like what we call a living amends. I don’t really need to go back and address people from my past. I just change the behavior when I see something that needs to change. My sponsor calls it a spot check inventory followed by amends. I just call it inventory and amends

When I first started making amends, it was hard. I didn’t really understand the purpose. I just knew it was the next step and I needed to do it to get better. Some of the first ones felt amazing. Paying people back money I owed, restoring relationships I had let fall by the wayside, it felt freeing. I thought this is great, who else can I make amends with? And in my zeal and haste, I rushed one. There was no real amends to be made, but I tried anyway. I forced it. I knew it too. It felt different inside me. God was trying to slow me down, but my pride kicked in. I had travelled this far and set the meeting. I would look stupid if I said nothing. What I really did was clear my conscience at someone else’s expense, and I lost a friendship that mattered to me. That one stayed with me. I still regret it. After that, I started slowing down. I talk things through with my sponsor now. Most of the time, if I have doubt, there’s a reason.

What I learned in that unfortunate experience is this. Most of the time when I have doubt, there is no amends to be made. That is why the doubt is there in the first place. I even used to wonder if I should apologize to that friend for my horrible amends attempt faux pas, but that would probably just bring up the same hurt again. I would be clearing my conscience at their expense all over again. When I am feeling confused or unsure, those are the times that I need to write about it. I need to look at my part. What did I do. What were my expectations. Usually I can see that it’s one of my character defects showing up. That reminds me that it’s something going on inside me, not something I need to bring to someone else. I was feeling guilt, like I was complicit. I needed to write about it and give it to God. That was all me 100%.

Amends is really about me, but not the way I thought. It’s not about trying to fix the past so I can feel better. It’s about changing how I live now so I stop creating the same damage. It’s about looking at what’s driving me, seeing the patterns, and taking responsibility for my actions moving forward. It’s about me changing what I do now so that I don’t repeat what I did before. That’s what real living amends looks like. Me changing my behaviors. I don’t have to keep going back and trying to rewrite the past. I have to accept what happened in the past as is. I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. I start to live in the present. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to slow down and be honest about what is really going on in me. Teach me to take responsibility for my actions and to live different today. Thank You. Amen.

Focus on the Solution

The Next Right Step

When I finally moved, I discovered God had already been helping me.

Do what God’s teaching says; when you only listen and do nothing, you are fooling yourselves. James 1:22

It’s paradoxical. When I focus on the problem instead of the solution, I stay stuck in it. I get frustrated and angry. The why me’s and the if only’s come in like a flood and overtake my thinking. Then it spills into my emotions and leaks out in my conversations before it shows up in my actions. Before long I am a victim again. But when I change my thinking to focus on the solution, my perspective changes and that is when I start to see progress. That’s what I love about recovery. It doesn’t leave me stuck in the problem. There is a solution. But it is up to me to do something to get it.

Before recovery, I was in bondage. I was struggling. When I focused on my problems, they only intensified. I begged and pleaded with God to take away my addiction. I spent hours in heartfelt prayer, with real tears and real remorse, only to repeat the same behavior again and again. When I came back into my right mind, regret would flood in and overwhelm me. I would promise God I would do better next time. I asked Him to stop me, to remind me, to intervene before I fell. But it never happened. Because I never made a decision to actually change. I never followed it with action or put anything in place to keep me from falling. I was blaming God for not stopping me.

The turning point came when I hit my bottom. It was a dark day, but it was also a good day because it was the day I finally stopped and made a decision. I changed my thinking, and I followed it with action. When I did, I realized all those prayers I prayed were not wasted. They were seeds. God did help me. He did prompt me when I was tempted, but this time I responded differently. I stayed. I chose differently. I did something with what He was showing me. That is the difference for me today. I stopped waiting for God to do for me what He was showing me to do. I am not focusing on the problem anymore. I am taking responsibility and moving toward the solution, one decision at a time. And this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me stop focusing on the problem. Show me how to focus on the solution. Give me the courage to take the next right step. Thank You. Amen.

Recovered or Healed?

Walking It Out

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was recently asked this question by a former sponsee, and it really got me thinking. Am I healed, or am I still recovering? It feels like one of those questions that should have a simple answer, but the more I sat with it, the more I realized there is something deeper going on.

When I look at Jesus, I see that when He healed people, He made them whole. He did not partially heal them. But then I also think about the blind man in Mark 8. Jesus laid His hands on him, and at first the man said he saw men walking around like trees. Then Jesus touched him again, and he saw clearly. That tells me something important. What Jesus does is complete, but it does not always show up all at once the way I expect it to. That is a process, even when the source is perfect.

I know what it means to be free from something. There are struggles I used to have that are completely gone. Not managed. Not controlled. Gone. They are not even a thought anymore. But there are other things that still show up in my life. I still feel not good enough sometimes. I still get my feelings hurt. I still feel left out at times. I still find myself wanting to control things or give advice when it was never asked for. Not like before, but it is still there. So am I healed? Yes. But I am also learning how to live in that healing every day.

What I have found in recovery is a place where this actually becomes real. Scripture tells us to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another, but I did not experience that in church the way I have in recovery. In recovery, there are ground rules. Honesty. Confidentiality. Accountability. People sharing what is really going on, not what sounds right. And something happens in that environment. Healing continues to show up. Not because something new is being given, but because I am no longer hiding my true self. It is a place where I can be honest and not feel exposed. A place where I can actually walk this out daily.

For me, this is what it comes down to. In Christ, I am made whole. That part is finished. But I am still being changed as I learn to think differently, to be honest, and to live differently each day. I am not trying to become healed. I am learning how to live as someone who already is. And that is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
Father, help me live from what You have already done in me. Teach me to stay honest, to stay open, and to walk this out one day at a time. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

Learning To Grow Up

No More Proving

I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to what I do. I don’t have to earn love and acceptance. I’m starting to see I can slow down, rest, and still have value.

When I was a child, my words and my feelings and my thoughts were those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for the ways of a child. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I was doing some step work and writing about having boundaries with myself, and it started taking me deeper than I expected. I began asking myself tougher questions. They were hard to ask and even harder to answer. My first instinct was to just move on and be content with the awareness, but I had that little nudge inside me telling me I was close to something and I just need to keep going. Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? Is that tied to my character defects? Feeling like I am not good enough? Rejection? Do I feel like I have to do good in order to be loved? When I honestly work the steps, I learn more about why I do the things I do. As I slow down and look at my motives, I start to see there is something deeper driving me. This stuff is real, and it really helps me. I understand why they call it a “Fearless” moral inventory. Fear almost stopped me from pursuing these feelings.

I can see how easily I place my value and worth on what I do. I want to be successful and productive. And if I am honest, since I am not financially wealthy, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I would be considered successful by doing good things, helping others, and ministering through my writing. None of those things are wrong, but I can see how I have tied my worth to them. If I am producing, I feel okay. If I am not, something feels off. I rationalize that even if what I do doesn’t produce wealth financially, maybe I would still be considered successful by enriching others’ souls. The amazing thing about step work is that once I uncover the truth about why I do what I do and find my part, I begin to see what I can do to change unwanted behaviors. Most of the time, the change first shows up in how I am thinking, not in what I am doing. It is learning to see myself and others differently. I begin to be open-minded and realize that most of my problems come from inside of me, from how I perceive what is happening in my life. There is no looking for fault or blame but simply taking responsibility to change.

I did not cause the psychological damage that was done to me, and I was powerless to stop it as a child. But I am not a child anymore. My desire now is to stop reacting like one emotionally. That is where recovery becomes practical. It teaches me how to pause, how to look at what is really driving me, and how to make a different choice. I can see now that I have been trying to prove my worth by what I do. I do not have to prove my worth or value anymore. My identity is in God. My value and worth come from Him. I rest knowing that He loves and accepts me because He is good, not because I am. I am learning how to grow up, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. And even now, as I write this, I feel like I am close to something new. I sense a new awareness emerging. I am just starting to see my motives more clearly. And as I learn to rest in God, I begin to accept myself as I am. That is me growing up.

Prayer

Father, help me stop trying to prove my worth. Teach me to rest in who You say I am. Thank You. Amen.

Safe With Me

Trusting Myself

How I treat myself matters. Recovery is teaching me to take better care of myself.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats the church, Ephesians 5:29

Lately I have been overextending myself. In my mind I think I am like the energizer bunny and I can just keep going and going. My body though has a different response, and if I am not careful, I will run myself into the ground. I get run down and more susceptible to getting sick. It starts by staying up way too late trying to get everything done I want to do. Even in practicing my recovery, I stay up late reading, writing, and editing. I am also trying to write a book. Consequently, I don’t get enough sleep, and I am tired the next day, not always at my best and not performing at my best. I also find that I can be less patient and short with people. My intent and heart is good, but I am not practicing healthy boundaries with myself. My intentions do not justify my actions. I am not treating myself with care and respect.

I was reading some literature this past weekend. In it the person mentioned that they set boundaries with themself. I paused. I had to reread it a few more times. It didn’t quite click with me at first, but I knew there was something there. Something I needed to hear and see. As I sat with it, I began to connect it to my own life. I have learned about boundaries, and I have set them with other people. But I never thought about setting a boundary with myself. I used to think boundaries were only about other people. Who I let into my life and how I allowed them to treat me. Boundaries helped me determine what I would tolerate and what I would say no to. But I am learning that some of the most important boundaries are the ones I need to set with myself. Was I being too hard on myself? Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Am I trying to prove something? I did not realize that I was the one who was mistreating me.

As I prayed and meditated on this, I began to see how I talk to myself and how I treat myself. I would replay mistakes and blame myself, and that would lead to shame. I would expect perfection and then feel disappointed and discouraged when I couldn’t live up to such an unrealistic expectation. I am simply being human. Sometimes I would excuse behavior I knew was not healthy. I was being codependent with myself. I crossed my own lines constantly. A healthy boundary with myself means I take responsibility for my actions without condemning myself. I rest without feeling guilty. I tell myself the truth without exaggeration. I am learning to stop crossing my own lines and calling it okay.

When I run myself down, I feel it. I feel it in my body, in my attitude, and in how I treat other people. This is not just about being tired. It is about how I am choosing to treat myself. I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to feel safe with myself so that I can trust myself. I am learning to slow down, to stop when I need to stop, and to take care of myself in a way that actually supports my recovery. That means I don’t keep pushing past my limits and calling it good. I am responsible for how I treat myself.

Prayer
Father, help me treat myself the way You treat me. Show me where I push too far. Teach me to slow down, to rest, and to live in a way that supports my recovery. I want to be safe with myself so I can trust myself. Thank You. Amen.

Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.

The Problem Could Be Me

I Need To Change

Recovery started working when I stopped trying to change others and started looking honestly at myself.

Each person must examine his own actions. Then he can be proud of his own accomplishments and not compare himself to others. Assume your own responsibility. Galatians 6:4–5

When I first came into recovery, I was looking for relief from the pain I was carrying. I knew I needed help, but I still wanted to do things my way. Control had helped me survive growing up in an alcoholic home, so it was the only way I really knew how to approach life. I truly wanted things to get better. But if I’m honest, what I really wanted was for the pain to stop.

So early on I tried to do recovery on my own. I bought a step book and started answering the questions by myself. I thought I was doing what everyone else was talking about. I was becoming aware that I had problems that were not going to resolve themselves automatically. I was motivated to find the answer so I could go home and fix things myself. But I still wanted recovery to happen on my terms. My way. That was part of the problem. I didn’t come into recovery to change myself. I came looking for relief from the hurt and damage I was feeling. What I didn’t understand yet was that recovery was never meant to be worked alone. The people who were finding the kind of freedom I wanted were not doing it by themselves. They were working the steps with sponsors and learning to let the group help them see things they could not see on their own.

I can still remember the moment vividly. It was after a meeting during what we often call the meeting after the meeting. I can still see the dimly lit room, the literature table set up against the wall and me standing next to it. I was speaking with two members of the group that I had gotten to know. They had been trying to share something with me for several weeks, and that night it finally got through. This was all about me changing me. If this was going to work, I needed to do it for me. My healing would come when I focused on myself instead of the person I was trying to fix. When I first came to recovery, it was not to change me. It was to find out how to fix the problem. It was to get relief from the hurt and pain I was in. But it wasn’t until that moment that I considered the possibility that the problem could be me. That is when I began to focus on changing me.

That realization opened the door to a new way of living. The change did not happen overnight and to say it was always easy would be a lie. But I will say it has definitely been worth it. After finding a sponsor and doing step work with him, I started to see small changes. Over time those small changes led to bigger ones. Today I understand something I could not see back then. I cannot change if I don’t want to. I must first be willing. Then, when I become willing to change, God begins creating something new in me. I can feel and see the transformation. I am becoming a new person. I like who I am now. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me keep my focus on changing me instead of trying to fix others. Give me the willingness and courage to make the changes You show me. Amen.