Feelings Follow Actions

Take The Next Step

Change didn’t start when I felt better. It started after I acted.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

For most of my life I built a wall so I would not have to feel my feelings. I did not want to deal with those unpleasant emotions that made me feel so uncomfortable. I had learned how to shut things down and keep on moving. But when I came into recovery, and once I started working the steps, that door opened. And like a floodgate being released, all of those feelings and emotions I had been holding back for years suddenly started coming out. I was trying to feel them and experience them, but I did not know how. I didn’t know what to do with them. And many times they were confusing too, because they would intermingle and come at the same time. I remember a moment when I received some great amazing news and some horribly bad news within about 30 minutes of each other. My wife and I had just found out we were pregnant after several years of trying. We were elated and so happy. It was wonderful. And then a little later, I received a call that my dad had passed away. I was sad and angry. And then confused. Life and death all in less than an hour’s time. I felt happy and angry and sad all at the same time. I called my sponsor to get some help. He simply said, “Those are and feelings.” I began to realize that it was good that I was no longer running from my feelings. I was finally experiencing my emotions and acknowledging that they were real. But I also started to see how much of a roller coaster life becomes if I allow my emotions to become the determining factor for everything I do.

I’ve heard it said many times in the rooms of recovery, and I have found it to be true in my own life, that you can’t think your way into better behavior, but you can act your way into better thinking. And over time I began to see that the same thing is true with feelings. I cannot feel my way into better behavior, but I can act my way into better feelings. When I let my emotions dictate my actions, my life becomes unstable and reactive. I start making decisions based on how I feel in the moment, and that usually doesn’t lead me anywhere good. But when I choose to take healthy actions first, even when I don’t feel like it, something begins to shift. My behavior starts to change. And as my behavior begins to change, something starts to shift in my thinking. And as my thinking begins to change, my feelings begin to follow. Those simple actions, the ones that don’t seem like much in the moment, begin to calm the storm inside me.

Step Two says that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me, the action in that step is in the word came. I would have never started believing any of this if I had not come in the first place. I had to get up out of my feel-sorry-for-myself life and take myself down the road to a place where I could hear how to change. Not every action in recovery is grand or dramatic. Many of them are simple and even mundane. Showing up. Listening. Taking the next right step. But those small actions begin to change my behavior, and when my behavior changes it is amazing how my feelings begin to change too. I came, and then I began to believe. And as I kept showing up and taking those simple actions, I started to feel different too.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop letting my feelings run my life. Teach me to walk by faith and take the next right step, even when I don’t feel like it. I surrender the outcome to You. Amen.

My Mind Took Off

Slowing It Down

My mind can take me places that aren’t even real. I’m learning to catch it, slow it down, and come back to what’s actually true.

We are even taking every thought prisoner so that it is obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

I was in a meeting recently, and I really wanted to share. I felt like I had something valuable to offer. It was a tag meeting, and I was used to being called on. But this time, I wasn’t. And just like that, my mind took off. Maybe they don’t like me anymore. I had given a lead share just a week prior, so my mind tried to convince me that maybe I said something wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t good enough. That hit my core character defect, feeling like I’m not good enough. I even started playing out scenarios in my head, full conversations. They all got together and had a private meeting where they were talking about me. They all agreed not to call on me anymore. That I had done or said something wrong.

This is crazy thinking. I know. I also know that when I start thinking like this, it’s a good sign I need to revisit Step 2. I have insane thinking. I can carry on full conversations in my head and create entire scenarios that aren’t real. These are the things I did before recovery. And what really stood out to me was the contradiction. I’m thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough, yet at the same time thinking I’m so important that everyone is talking about me.

Then I realized there are 30 to 40 people in this meeting. Basic math tells me not everyone is going to get a chance to share. There are other people there that want to share too. That helped me put things in perspective. Maybe everything isn’t about me. Maybe they aren’t talking about me either. When I got some perspective, and spent some time in prayer and meditation, I could see this was less about rejection and more about my pride. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to contribute. And when that didn’t happen, I was disappointed. That’s normal. Recovery is helping me recognize it, identify it, and put it in its proper perspective so I don’t get pulled back into the same old thinking. When I do that, I don’t get my feelings hurt, and I don’t act out with manipulation or damage my relationships the way I used to.

Prayer
Father, help me slow down when my mind starts to take off. Help me bring it back to what is real and true. I don’t want to go back to that old thinking. Thank You for keeping me in Your hands. Amen.

Living Amends

Practice Pause

I used to think amends meant apologizing for everything I felt guilty about. Now I’m learning to slow down, look at what’s going on inside me, and stop creating the same damage.

A wise person is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
Proverbs 14:16

I was in a meeting last night and the topic was Step 9, making amends. It’s been a while since I made my initial inventory and worked it all the way through to amends. That first time was different though. I’ve gone through the steps many times over the years, including making amends. Today amends looks more like what we call a living amends. I don’t really need to go back and address people from my past. I just change the behavior when I see something that needs to change. My sponsor calls it a spot check inventory followed by amends. I just call it inventory and amends

When I first started making amends, it was hard. I didn’t really understand the purpose. I just knew it was the next step and I needed to do it to get better. Some of the first ones felt amazing. Paying people back money I owed, restoring relationships I had let fall by the wayside, it felt freeing. I thought this is great, who else can I make amends with? And in my zeal and haste, I rushed one. There was no real amends to be made, but I tried anyway. I forced it. I knew it too. It felt different inside me. God was trying to slow me down, but my pride kicked in. I had travelled this far and set the meeting. I would look stupid if I said nothing. What I really did was clear my conscience at someone else’s expense, and I lost a friendship that mattered to me. That one stayed with me. I still regret it. After that, I started slowing down. I talk things through with my sponsor now. Most of the time, if I have doubt, there’s a reason.

What I learned in that unfortunate experience is this. Most of the time when I have doubt, there is no amends to be made. That is why the doubt is there in the first place. I even used to wonder if I should apologize to that friend for my horrible amends attempt faux pas, but that would probably just bring up the same hurt again. I would be clearing my conscience at their expense all over again. When I am feeling confused or unsure, those are the times that I need to write about it. I need to look at my part. What did I do. What were my expectations. Usually I can see that it’s one of my character defects showing up. That reminds me that it’s something going on inside me, not something I need to bring to someone else. I was feeling guilt, like I was complicit. I needed to write about it and give it to God. That was all me 100%.

Amends is really about me, but not the way I thought. It’s not about trying to fix the past so I can feel better. It’s about changing how I live now so I stop creating the same damage. It’s about looking at what’s driving me, seeing the patterns, and taking responsibility for my actions moving forward. It’s about me changing what I do now so that I don’t repeat what I did before. That’s what real living amends looks like. Me changing my behaviors. I don’t have to keep going back and trying to rewrite the past. I have to accept what happened in the past as is. I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. I start to live in the present. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to slow down and be honest about what is really going on in me. Teach me to take responsibility for my actions and to live different today. Thank You. Amen.

Trying Too Hard

Already Enough

I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself… until I saw it in my daughter.

A person’s words come from what fills their heart. Matthew 12:34

My daughter plays softball, and she’s a good hitter. The other day during a game, she overheard the opposing coach say, “Wow, she makes good solid contact every time.” Her next time at bat, she walked. She was frustrated she didn’t get a chance to hit. Then her next at bat, she struck out. You could see it… she was trying so hard to hit the ball. Trying to prove she really was a good hitter. I was trying to encourage her and told her that she didn’t have to try so hard. You are a good hitter. You don’t have to prove it. Just have fun and let it happen. Later we went and did some batting practice, and she was rocking it again… just like before. God used that to show me something about me. I do the same thing with my writing. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When someone makes a positive comment about what I write, I feel it. I sometimes find that I put pressure on myself. I want to perform and do good again. I want to prove that I am good enough to deserve the praise or compliment. The truth is when I focus on growing and continuing my journey for me, I don’t have to force it. If I just keep putting good stuff in, good stuff will naturally come out. I know this. I don’t have to force it.

He showed me something else too. It can become an addiction. When someone likes what I write, it releases dopamine in my brain. And that dopamine release is an unexpected boost. My brain likes it and wants more. That is where “crave” comes from. I start craving that feeling. And my brain says, “Hey when I write something people like I can get that instant boost. Let’s do that again.” But when I focus on doing my recovery for me, to improve myself and grow closer to God, the dopamine is released naturally and evenly. I do not have spikes with quick highs and lows.

I am grateful for my recovery today. It allows me to see things as they really are. I can slow down and honestly look at my motives and make different choices. I can then share what God shows me instead of trying to write something people will think is good enough. I don’t have to prove it anymore.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop trying to prove myself. Teach me to trust what You’ve already put in me. Show me how to slow down. Help me just be me and enjoy life. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

Learning To Grow Up

No More Proving

I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to what I do. I don’t have to earn love and acceptance. I’m starting to see I can slow down, rest, and still have value.

When I was a child, my words and my feelings and my thoughts were those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for the ways of a child. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I was doing some step work and writing about having boundaries with myself, and it started taking me deeper than I expected. I began asking myself tougher questions. They were hard to ask and even harder to answer. My first instinct was to just move on and be content with the awareness, but I had that little nudge inside me telling me I was close to something and I just need to keep going. Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? Is that tied to my character defects? Feeling like I am not good enough? Rejection? Do I feel like I have to do good in order to be loved? When I honestly work the steps, I learn more about why I do the things I do. As I slow down and look at my motives, I start to see there is something deeper driving me. This stuff is real, and it really helps me. I understand why they call it a “Fearless” moral inventory. Fear almost stopped me from pursuing these feelings.

I can see how easily I place my value and worth on what I do. I want to be successful and productive. And if I am honest, since I am not financially wealthy, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I would be considered successful by doing good things, helping others, and ministering through my writing. None of those things are wrong, but I can see how I have tied my worth to them. If I am producing, I feel okay. If I am not, something feels off. I rationalize that even if what I do doesn’t produce wealth financially, maybe I would still be considered successful by enriching others’ souls. The amazing thing about step work is that once I uncover the truth about why I do what I do and find my part, I begin to see what I can do to change unwanted behaviors. Most of the time, the change first shows up in how I am thinking, not in what I am doing. It is learning to see myself and others differently. I begin to be open-minded and realize that most of my problems come from inside of me, from how I perceive what is happening in my life. There is no looking for fault or blame but simply taking responsibility to change.

I did not cause the psychological damage that was done to me, and I was powerless to stop it as a child. But I am not a child anymore. My desire now is to stop reacting like one emotionally. That is where recovery becomes practical. It teaches me how to pause, how to look at what is really driving me, and how to make a different choice. I can see now that I have been trying to prove my worth by what I do. I do not have to prove my worth or value anymore. My identity is in God. My value and worth come from Him. I rest knowing that He loves and accepts me because He is good, not because I am. I am learning how to grow up, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. And even now, as I write this, I feel like I am close to something new. I sense a new awareness emerging. I am just starting to see my motives more clearly. And as I learn to rest in God, I begin to accept myself as I am. That is me growing up.

Prayer

Father, help me stop trying to prove my worth. Teach me to rest in who You say I am. Thank You. Amen.

Safe With Me

Trusting Myself

How I treat myself matters. Recovery is teaching me to take better care of myself.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats the church, Ephesians 5:29

Lately I have been overextending myself. In my mind I think I am like the energizer bunny and I can just keep going and going. My body though has a different response, and if I am not careful, I will run myself into the ground. I get run down and more susceptible to getting sick. It starts by staying up way too late trying to get everything done I want to do. Even in practicing my recovery, I stay up late reading, writing, and editing. I am also trying to write a book. Consequently, I don’t get enough sleep, and I am tired the next day, not always at my best and not performing at my best. I also find that I can be less patient and short with people. My intent and heart is good, but I am not practicing healthy boundaries with myself. My intentions do not justify my actions. I am not treating myself with care and respect.

I was reading some literature this past weekend. In it the person mentioned that they set boundaries with themself. I paused. I had to reread it a few more times. It didn’t quite click with me at first, but I knew there was something there. Something I needed to hear and see. As I sat with it, I began to connect it to my own life. I have learned about boundaries, and I have set them with other people. But I never thought about setting a boundary with myself. I used to think boundaries were only about other people. Who I let into my life and how I allowed them to treat me. Boundaries helped me determine what I would tolerate and what I would say no to. But I am learning that some of the most important boundaries are the ones I need to set with myself. Was I being too hard on myself? Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Am I trying to prove something? I did not realize that I was the one who was mistreating me.

As I prayed and meditated on this, I began to see how I talk to myself and how I treat myself. I would replay mistakes and blame myself, and that would lead to shame. I would expect perfection and then feel disappointed and discouraged when I couldn’t live up to such an unrealistic expectation. I am simply being human. Sometimes I would excuse behavior I knew was not healthy. I was being codependent with myself. I crossed my own lines constantly. A healthy boundary with myself means I take responsibility for my actions without condemning myself. I rest without feeling guilty. I tell myself the truth without exaggeration. I am learning to stop crossing my own lines and calling it okay.

When I run myself down, I feel it. I feel it in my body, in my attitude, and in how I treat other people. This is not just about being tired. It is about how I am choosing to treat myself. I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to feel safe with myself so that I can trust myself. I am learning to slow down, to stop when I need to stop, and to take care of myself in a way that actually supports my recovery. That means I don’t keep pushing past my limits and calling it good. I am responsible for how I treat myself.

Prayer
Father, help me treat myself the way You treat me. Show me where I push too far. Teach me to slow down, to rest, and to live in a way that supports my recovery. I want to be safe with myself so I can trust myself. Thank You. Amen.

Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.

The Leading Role

Stepping Into My Own Life

Recovery helps me move from watching life happen to actually living it.

What helped you step forward instead of staying on the sidelines?

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came to give life—life in all its fullness.
John 10:10

I was watching the movie The Holiday, and one scene really stood out to me. There’s a moment where a woman named Iris finally hears the truth she’s been starving for. She has spent years attached to someone who never chooses her, surviving on just enough attention to keep her hooked but never enough for a real relationship. She keeps diminishing herself and settling for less, convinced she somehow deserved her fate and was not worthy of real love. One day she opens up about it to an older man she has befriended, Arthur, a retired screenwriter. After listening to her story, he says something simple but profoundly powerful: “In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You’re a leading lady, but for some reason you’re behaving like the best friend.” The words hit unexpectedly. As it sinks in, she says out loud, “I ought to be the leading lady of my own life.” Arthur was not criticizing her. He was helping her see something she had been blind to. She had been living like a side character in her own story, letting someone else’s choices define her worth and value. It is really a moment about identity. It is about waking up to the truth that you matter.

That line stayed with me. I realized I had faced something similar, something I never saw before recovery. Was I living like a background character in my own life? I asked myself, How often have I been the audience instead of the participant? How often have I stood by like a bystander and simply let life happen around me? Before recovery those kinds of questions would never have crossed my mind. I simply reacted to life, often stuck in old patterns of thinking that kept me passive, discouraged, or disconnected. I reacted. I survived. I managed chaos. I tried to earn love and avoid pain. Somewhere along the way I learned to stay small. I stopped expecting much. Most of the time I assumed the worst before anything even happened. I spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else while ignoring my own feelings and needs. Looking back now, I can see how easily I let other people’s choices define how I felt about myself. I did not even realize I was doing it. But God did not create me to live in the shadows of my own life.

Recovery has given me something I did not have before. It has given me awareness. It helps me slow down and look honestly at what is really happening instead of what I tell myself is happening. I am learning to respond differently now. Little by little, recovery is helping me step into my own life instead of standing on the sidelines watching it pass by. For a long time I lived as if life was happening around me instead of something I was meant to live. But my life was never meant to be lived by someone else. It is my life. And with God’s help I am learning to live it.

Prayer

Father, help me live my life fully. Show me where I draw back. Give me the courage to step forward into the life You have for me. Thank You. Amen.

Maybe I Can Do Five Minutes

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

Maybe I can do five minutes. That thought came to me during one of the most overwhelming seasons of my life. My mind had been running nonstop with fear and worst-case scenarios. What am I going to do now? Where will I live? My life is over. I could not focus at work. I could barely think straight. My mind was stuck in a nonstop loop, cycling through these questions over and over. I could not turn it off.

At the time, I was brand new to recovery and I remember reading the line on the Just For Today bookmark that said, “Just for today, I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.” My immediate reaction was disbelief. I even questioned where the care and acceptance were in this idea. Twelve hours? No way! I cannot even do one hour. I couldn’t even handle fifteen minutes. But then a small thought rose up in me: maybe I can do five minutes. I wasn’t even sure I could do that. Then another small thought crept up: Maybe I could at least try it? So, for five minutes I decided not to think about everything that was scaring me. I purposely thought about good things and things I wanted instead of what I didn’t want. When the worries came back, I tried another five minutes. What surprised me was how those small pieces of time began to stretch. Five minutes became ten. Then fifteen, then thirty. Then longer. Somewhere in that process God was helping me even when I didn’t know it. He was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He found a way to get through my own poor me thinking, where I was stuck feeling sorry for myself, so that I could embrace a new way of thinking and a new way of life. The little bit of recovery I had was already working and I didn’t even realize it at the time. New thoughts? Try something on my own? What a concept… What a gift!

Recovery still works that way for me today. When my mind starts racing or life feels overwhelming and out of control, I try to embrace this same type of thinking. I come back to that lesson. I remind myself I do not have to solve all of life’s problems today. I only need to take the next right step. I have learned that progress rarely happens all at once. It usually happens one small choice at a time. Five minutes at a time. One step at a time. Today I can do something for a short time that would appall me if I thought I had to do it forever.

Reflection
What small amount of time can I commit to right now to get through a hard moment?

Right In Front Of Me

Noticing Again

What becomes familiar can quietly become unappreciated. Gratitude keeps the most important things in my life from becoming invisible.

What is something in your life that you want to notice and appreciate again today?

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights. James 1:17

The past few days, I found myself really appreciating my wife. I started thinking about how much she means to me and how many qualities she has that I admire. The way she loves me. The way she accepts me. The way she makes me feel wanted. When I really stopped and thought about it, all the things that made me fall in love with her in the first place are still there. Nothing about her has changed. At the same time, I began to realize how easily I had stopped noticing. Sometimes what is most amazing and special can become so familiar that I stop seeing it. Working the steps helps me notice this and own it more easily. Instead of pretending I haven’t stopped noticing, I can acknowledge it and look for ways to change without guilt or shame for simply being human.

This realization started while I was writing about my Higher Power and thinking about the qualities I believe He has. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. As I thought about those qualities, it struck me that many of the same things I admire about my Higher Power are also present in my wife. That made me pause. If something as wonderful as my wife can become so familiar that I begin to take her for granted, I wondered if I might sometimes do the same thing with God. When something good becomes part of everyday life, it is easy to stop appreciating it the way I once did.

Recovery has given me many practical tools to help me navigate life and make different choices so I can get better results. My first thought was making a gratitude list is always a good idea. There is never a wrong time to stop and name what I am thankful for. So I decided to make a gratitude list about my wife and about my Higher Power. Then I had another thought, a different thought. Something I had not thought of before. I did not want to stop with just writing the list down. I wanted to say it out loud and verbalize my gratitude and thankfulness. I told my wife the things I had written down. I told her how I appreciate her and am so very thankful for her. I told God the things I am grateful for about Him too. In doing that, I realized something simple but very powerful. When I express my gratitude to those I love, it keeps the love alive. It keeps me from drifting into taking the best parts of my life and the people in my life for granted. And when I do that, something changes in me. I feel more aware, more connected, and more thankful. I am proud of who I am becoming. This is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the people You have placed in my life. Help me not to take them for granted. Teach me to slow down and notice the people and blessings You have given me. Help me to show love through gratitude. Amen.

Not Good Enough?

Thinking Accurately

Sometimes the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me I’m not enough. Recovery has taught me to question that voice, inventory it, and replace it with truth. This is what learning to think accurately looks like.

Think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.
Romans 12:3

My wife and I have been talking about possibly moving to another area that would be closer to family. It’s a very big decision. I like my job and I like what I do. So I started looking at similar job opportunities in that area. I found several openings that match exactly what I already do. Same field. Same responsibilities. Same level. On paper, there is no difference. It is the exact same thing I am doing now. But in my mind, there is. I found myself hesitating, pulling back, and closing the page because I believed I wasn’t qualified.

I began thinking those positions were far more important than what I do now. Those companies must be more professional. The job must be bigger, more demanding, more significant. Even though I hold the same title and do the same work, I started believing I might not be qualified to do it somewhere else. That I might not measure up. That I might not perform at the level they would expect. I realized I was looking down on my own performance, quietly labeling my role as not good enough. That felt familiar, and I didn’t like the way it felt. Then I heard my sponsor’s voice in my head asking, What is the common denominator? Of course I know the answer. Me. I am seeing myself as less than again.

In my current role, I have seen real success. Under my leadership we have reached milestones the company had never reached before. We implemented strategies and achieved goals they had wanted for years but never could accomplish. I have been told directly that my leadership made the difference. That made me feel good. I felt like I was doing a good job and appreciated. Yet when I imagine doing the same job somewhere else, something inside me whispers, You’re not good enough. That surprised me. As I reflected on it, I began to meditate and pray. Then I did some writing. I was struck with my character defect of feeling not good enough. It’s right there, staring me in the face.

Recovery has taught me the only way through this is through it. It’s not just going to happen automatically. So I decided to stop and inventory what is actually there. I have done many physical inventories in my career and I understand the concept. An inventory does not judge the items on the shelf. It simply acknowledges what is there. When I apply that honestly to my life, I see that I have strengths, not just weaknesses. I have qualities I look for when I interview other candidates. I have experience. I have perseverance. I have a proven track record. I also have fear. But fear is just another inventory item. It does not get to override the reality of everything else that is there.

Today, after doing an honest inventory and applying recovery principles, I can name it for what it is: a character defect rooted in feeling not good enough. I never would have seen that before recovery. I would not have questioned that inner voice. I would have believed it was who I was. It does not just disappear. But I am aware of it now, and it no longer controls me. I recognize it, name it, face it, and release it. Humility is not thinking less of myself. It is thinking accurately about myself. God has brought healing in my life and walked me through years of growth, challenges, and victories. To deny what He has done in me is not humility. It is another layer of denial. Now, instead of believing that voice, I choose to live in the truth of what God has done in me. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me when old patterns try to hinder me and keep me stuck. You are my source and strength. You always see me through. Help me to see myself the way You see me. When old voices rise up, remind me of the work You have already done in me. Give me the courage to live in Your truth and not shrink back in fear. Amen.

Not My Own Higher Power

Restored Through Love

For years I tried to fix what only love could heal. Step Two slowed me down and reminded me I am not my own higher power.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I was recently speaking with my sponsor about Step 2. We are working through the steps again. He asked what my thoughts were about my higher power. Thinking I knew the answer and where we were going, I started telling him about God being my higher power and describing what I believed about Him. He stopped me and said very plainly, “We don’t get to God until Step 3. We are talking about Step 2. I asked you to tell me about your higher power.” I paused. I was already jumping ahead in my mind. We were not talking about surrendering to God’s will. We were talking about believing that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He was slowing me down to think about what that actually means instead of assuming. He gave me an assignment to describe the qualities and characteristics of my higher power.

This was harder than I expected. I had to stop thinking about the attributes of God and instead think about what I need from a higher power to restore me to sanity. I had to change my perspective. Here is what I came up with. My higher power is loving, caring, and accepting. He understands me and listens to me. He comforts me and gives me strength when I am weak and overwhelmed. When I do not know what to do, He gives me guidance. He is bigger and more powerful than me, more knowledgeable and smarter than me. My higher power is not me. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can bring healing and sanity into my life. He works in my life as I surrender and believe. My higher power loves me unconditionally.

What I concluded is that I need a higher power to help me. I cannot change on my own. For years I tried to do it myself. I made myself my own higher power. In Step 1 I learned that I was powerless over the effects of alcohol. In Step 2 I learn that I need a power greater than me to help me be free. As I listed the qualities I was looking for, I realized something. Everything I described had to do with being loved and accepted. That is where many of my character defects begin. At the core are two lies I believe about myself and have carried with me for years: I am not good enough, and I am not wanted. I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself and earn the love and acceptance I lacked growing up. In doing that, I had inadvertently made myself my own higher power. I tried to fix what only love could heal.

To be restored to sanity, I needed more than I could do on my own. I needed to know I was loved. The qualities I described about my higher power speak directly to that need. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. Not me. When I believe in a power like that, my thinking shifts. I no longer have to prove myself. I no longer have to try and be good enough. I can believe that I am accepted and wanted. I am loved. That is where my healing begins and sanity returns. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

God, thank You for accepting me as I am. Help me to be honest about my needs. I still struggle with feeling wanted and loved. I know in my head that You offer unconditional love. Please allow me to be able to see and feel it. Amen

Detachment With Love

Care Without Control

I thought detachment meant pushing people away. I had to learn it meant loving without managing.

Each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:5

Detachment is separating myself emotionally from another person’s behavior. There are healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments, and detachment is breaking free from the unhealthy ones. When I first heard about detachment, I was eager to practice it. I heard it talked about in the rooms and how it was the solution for breaking free from the hold. I learned already I had developed unhealthy attachments and I wanted the freedom spoken about. What I mysteriously missed though was the “with love” part. I heard detachment and I was ready. I did not hear with love.

The first time I tried to practice detachment, I did it by setting a boundary. I was new and thought detachment and boundaries were the same thing. I had never done either before, and when I finally did, it was clumsy and ugly. I remember telling my mom I was getting divorced. She started crying. I had been here before. At first I was angry. I thought she was using her tears to control my emotions and maneuver me into comforting her. I saw it as another attempt to shift the focus away from what I was going through. I was already hurting. I did not want the divorce. My family was being ripped apart. My future felt uncertain. So many emotions were surfacing that I did not even know what I was feeling, except sad and alone. I didn’t have anything left to comfort her. I had heard about detachment and boundaries and wanted to practice what I was learning. Instead of pausing and sorting through my own emotions, I reacted. I said, rather gruffly, why are you crying? This isn’t about you. This is about me. I even said I was setting a boundary and would not be manipulated anymore. She stopped crying and went silent.

Like I said, I was new in recovery and still learning. I had successfully set a boundary, but it wasn’t detachment and it wasn’t with love. Internally I was a kid again. I was still trying to feel safe by controlling the environment. I was trying to protect myself from being engulfed by her feelings because I could barely manage my own. That was not detachment with love. That was fear wrapped up with new language. I was more addicted to approval than I realized. Addicted to her reaction. Addicted to feeling secure based on how she responded to me. As I began to work through the Steps and grow, I stopped looking to other people to determine my value. I have intrinsic value because of my Creator. My sponsor says forgiveness is the best form of detachment, and I think he is right. When I forgive, I let go of trying to control what is not mine.

After working through the Steps with my sponsor, I can honestly say that today things are different. If someone I love starts crying, I pause. I check my urge to control their emotions. I let them have their feelings, and I let myself have mine. I don’t have to fix them or silence them. I don’t have to correct them either. When I need to set a boundary, I do not have to announce it. I just live it. It is for me, not for them. I say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean when I say it. I practice acceptance. The Serenity Prayer helps a lot with that. I offer forgiveness. This is how I know I am practicing detachment with love: I can care without control. That shows love and respect for them and for me.

Prayer
Father, teach me to practice detachment with love. Heal the wounds inside me that cause me to control instead of trust. When I feel uncomfortable, help me pause instead of react. Give me courage to forgive those who have hurt me. Amen.