A Different Approach

Peace Instead of Pressure

I used to go home and replay everything. This time, I had peace.

If you do what is right, you will be accepted. But if you do not do what is right, sin is ready to attack you. That sin wants to control you, but you must control it. Genesis 4:7

I coach my daughter’s softball team. I have coached my kids’ teams for several years, so I’m not new to this. But I saw something different in me during our last game. We lost the game, but our team played well and we actually had a chance to win. We just made some mistakes. What does this have to do with recovery?

What I noticed is my attitude was different in that game. I’m very competitive. I play hard, I coach hard. I try to win every time. All the time. And in that game, I did not feel any of that pressure. I felt something different. I just enjoyed being in that moment. In the past, I would’ve been very frustrated during the game. I would’ve gone home and spent hours spinning in my mind, thinking about all the things we could’ve done differently and what we could’ve done better. When I got home that night, instead I was at peace. I was happy. I had fun. Yeah, we lost the game, but it was still fun. I was able to have fun and be proud of our team and how they played and performed regardless of the scoreboard. It was a close game. I think we could’ve won. But that didn’t matter. I was really proud of the girls and I noticed that’s all I was thinking about. That was such a different approach for me, even from last year when the other coaches commented that I was intense. But I didn’t feel intense that night, not at all.

I’m confident that the change in my feelings and behavior is a direct result of the work I’ve been doing in my recovery. I’ve been spending more time journaling and doing step work. Focusing on my behaviors. Attending regular meetings. Practicing the third step prayer. Setting aside time for my writing. I’ve been trying not to improve anyone else, but myself, specifically my spiritual life and my connection with God. That’s what’s made the difference. And that’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What can I do today to put myself in a position to see change in my life?

A Better Father Than Me

Through My Children

The way I love my children helped me understand how God loves me.

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what’s best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:11

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of a loving, caring God. It’s hard for me to believe that God would care for me regardless of, or even in spite of, the things I do. That He would love and accept me for who I am. I start to ask myself why. Why would God have compassion for me? Why would He be there? Why would He help me? Why would He even want to? And honestly, it’s held me back in my life. I want to believe it, but I never saw it modeled in my life, so I don’t even know what it would look like.

I was pondering this today and I started thinking about my children and how I would do anything for them within my power. If there was anything they needed or wanted, I would do whatever I could to make it happen. If they’re in trouble or something’s bothering them, I want to know, because I care about them. I love them. And if there’s anything I can do to help or ease their pain, I would do it. That’s when the aha moment hit. God cares for me the same way. After reflecting on that, I realized the fact that I even have that comparison to think about parenthood and God came from God to help me and give me perspective. He is so good.

When I started to put that into perspective, I realized God is probably a better parent than I am. So if I have those feelings toward my children, and I would do anything within my power to help them, to love them, to care for them, to accept them, even if they were mad at me or even if they refused, I would still be willing and available. Why wouldn’t God be the same toward me? My obvious conclusion is He would, and probably even more so. What I’ve found is I am my worst critic. I am hard on myself. I judge myself. I consider myself not worthy. But when I look at my children, I realize there is nothing they could ever do that would cause me not to love them or care for them. Nothing. That allows me to be more gentle with myself. It helps me accept that God will never reject me, that He loves me, that He cares for me, and that He’s always there willing to help me. That matters because it gives me confidence to ask Him for help, knowing He’s there when I do. That’s part of the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What would change if I actually believed God cares for me the way I care for my children?

I Cannot Tell His Story

Peace Through Perspective

I can’t tell his story. But I can change mine.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

What I knew about my dad was that he was a master sergeant in the Marines. He trained paratroopers. He was injured on a jump when one of the lines sliced him, leaving a scar across his abdomen. Although he never identified himself as an alcoholic, I know he drank a lot, and when he drank, he got drunk. And when he was drunk, he was often mean and violent. That’s what I experienced growing up. There were times when he wasn’t like that. But there were many times when he was. He was estranged from his biological children, and I believe he carried resentment from that into our home. For most of my life, that’s the story I told myself about him.

As I’ve gone through recovery, I’ve started to see how much of that experience shaped me. He demanded things be done right. Not just done, but done perfectly. I remember washing his diesel truck and missing a few spots on the grill. He inspected my work and instead of having me fix that one area, I had to wash the entire rig again. Hours of work, over something small. The same thing happened with mowing the lawn. It had to be cross cut, then diagonal cut. It had to be done a certain way, and if it wasn’t right, I had to start over. That mindset stayed with me. I learned to strive for perfection. I learned that getting it wrong meant starting over. And while that shows up today in doing things well, it also shows up as pressure and an impossible standard I can’t always meet. I have learned those were unrealistic expectations.

After I got into recovery and started working through the steps my sponsor pointed out something I didn’t want to see or admit. He said that I seemed to have a hatred for my dad. I denied it. I was a Christian and I didn’t have hate in my heart for anybody. But as I worked through the steps, I found that there was hatred in my heart for him. My sponsor suggested I do a fourth step just on my dad. So I did. It was a very long fourth step. It took me months.

In doing that, I realized something that changed everything for me. I cannot tell my dad’s story. Outside of what I experienced, I knew very little about him. That helped me begin to see him as a person instead of a monster. I’m not excusing what he did. But when I started to understand there was more to him than what I saw, I began to develop compassion for him. I just wish I had come to that place before he passed.

Recovery has given me a way to make amends to him even though he’s no longer here. I make a living amends by changing how I live. By letting go of the resentment. By choosing to see the good in him and not defining him by his struggle with alcohol. By accepting him as my dad, the man who raised me. Most of my life I called him my stepdad. I kept that distance. Today, I call him my dad. I love him for who he was, not what I wished him to be. And there is a peace in that I can’t fully explain. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me to be honest about what’s in my heart. Give me the courage and strength to let go of the resentments and pain I’ve carried, and help me offer forgiveness instead. Thank You for the healing and peace that comes with that. Amen.

What’s Really Bothering Me

Looking At My Part

When I stop and ask why I’m really upset, the answer usually has nothing to do with the other person.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

Someone called off work on a really busy day. We were already short staffed coming off a weekend, and there was a lot going on. They didn’t say why, they just called off. I asked if they were sick and didn’t get a response. That frustrated me. And not just a little. It got under my skin. I felt myself getting angry. My mind started going right away. This is exactly the kind of thing that throws everything off. Now everyone else has to pick up the slack. Service slows down. People wait longer. It affects the whole team, the business, and our reputation. And in that moment, it felt like none of that mattered to them. And I start judging them. I start thinking, I would never do that. I would show up. I would push through. I would do what needs to be done. Why can’t other people do the same? That’s where my mind went.

I have learned in recovery that when I get worked up like that, I need to write about it. So I did. It has become my first go to. As I began writing, I was exploring my frustration and anger. Then I asked why. Why does this bother me so much? As I sat with those thoughts and got honest with myself, something else started to emerge. This wasn’t really about someone calling off work. This was about what gets set off inside me. I was upset because of how it made me look. Don’t they know how much time, energy and effort I have put into restoring our reputation? Don’t they know the sacrifices I have made here? My sponsor told me a long time ago, when I am angry ask myself what am I afraid of. Because those two are so closely connected and tied together. That is when I saw it. I was afraid of how this would reflect on me. My core issue was being hit. I was feeling like I am not good enough again.

So this whole rant about being frustrated over an employee calling off is really about me feeling like I am not good enough. I have found that every time I am upset, that feeling shows up. And it’s always about me. When I saw it this time, I actually chuckled and laughed out loud. That’s a different response than I used to have. Instead of staying frustrated, I kept the focus on me and why I was upset. I can’t control anyone else. Just me. The situation didn’t change. They still called off. We’re still short staffed. But I’m not carrying it around with me anymore. I can step back. I can breathe. I can let go of trying to control everyone else. I come back to me and focus on my part. That’s where I find peace now. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What am I afraid of right now?

Connection Over Control

I didn’t realize how much I was trying to control connection… until I saw it in my dog.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… Psalm 37:7

This morning, I had another lesson from my dog. She’s a golden retriever and has the sweetest temperament. Every morning, I sit in my La-Z-Boy chair with my coffee and finish up my writing from the night before. In that quiet stillness, I lean back, put the footrest up, grab my laptop, and start typing. Like clockwork, within about thirty minutes, she walks in and sits right in front of me. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t make a sound. She just sits there and waits. When I’m done writing, I put the laptop down, drop the footrest, and call her over. I already know what she wants.

I reach down and pet her, love on her, hug her, pray over her, speak blessings over her, and tell her I love her. And when I’m done, she just walks away into the other room. What she wanted was connection. She wanted to be touched. She knew exactly what she wanted. And she let that need be known without demanding it. She showed up, sat there, and waited patiently for me to respond. God spoke to me through that. The lesson I got from that was simple and equally profound. She didn’t force anything. She didn’t act out. She simply made her need known, and then she trusted enough to wait for it. She trusted me to meet her need.

It made me stop and look at myself. Do I trust God that way with my needs? Do I just show up and patiently wait for His goodness? How many times do I not even let my needs be known? Or when I do, I come across demanding or frustrated instead of honest and vulnerable. How often am I unwilling to wait for what I want or need? Do I revert to old behaviors and shut down or try to force outcomes?

But today I saw something different. It was a simple object lesson for me. There’s a way to be honest about what I need without pressure, without control, and without fear. What I realized is… I want connection too. But a lot of times I’m either afraid to ask for it, or I try to force it on my terms and my timeline. And when it doesn’t come the way I expect, I miss it completely. I am seeing that it’s not about controlling how it comes. It’s about really being honest, showing up, and trusting God enough to receive it however and whenever it comes. That’s what I’m learning in recovery. Just being real about what I need, letting go of control, and trusting God with the timing.

Prayer
Father, help me to be honest about what I need. Teach me not to hide it or try to force it. Show me how to trust You and be patient with Your timing. Help me receive what You give, the way You give it. Thank You. Amen.

Why Am I Still Sitting Here?

I didn’t realize staying the same was actually a decision…

Why are we sitting here until we die? 2 Kings 7:3

I was thinking about this story from the Bible. And that question that the four lepers were deliberating hit me hard today. They said, why are we just going to sit here until we die? They had to do something different. Their reasoning was simple. If we sit here, we die from starvation. If we go into the city, we may die there too. If we go toward the enemy, they might kill us. But they also might not. Either way, sitting still guaranteed the outcome. That statement stuck with me. There are areas in my life where I’m spinning my wheels, doing the same thing and getting the same result. In recovery, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I want something different, I have to do something different. And I’m learning how closely thinking and action are tied together. So I started asking myself… why don’t I try something different? Could it be I’m afraid? The fear of the unknown is real.

Growing up in the family disease of alcoholism, I wasn’t taught a lot of the basic things most normal people seem to just know. Instead, I learned how to survive, not how to live. So I stayed stuck in defense mechanisms that worked when I was a kid. They kept me safe back then. But they followed me into adulthood, and now they keep me stuck. I did the best I could with what I knew. But recovery has given me new options. Better ones. The challenge is, it’s still up to me to use them. Where I get stuck is this. My best thinking is what got me here. The same thinking that helped me survive is also what keeps me stuck. I’ve tried to think my way out of it, and I end up right back in the same place. The truth is, I’m not going to think my way out of this on my own. I need help.

That’s what Step Five reminds me when it says admit to God, myself, and another human being. Honestly, that’s the hardest part for me. It always has been. I don’t want to let people in. That opens the door to being hurt again. But that’s exactly where change starts. I have to humble myself and be willing to be vulnerable. I have to say what’s really going on with me, not what sounds good, but what’s true. That’s why having a sponsor matters. That’s why recovery partners matter. They can see what I can’t see. They help me step outside of my own thinking long enough to try something different. Sometimes it’s not complicated. It’s just a small shift. A different response. A different action. But I wouldn’t get there on my own. And that gives me peace. Not because everything is fixed, but because I’m not stuck in it by myself anymore. The solutions don’t always show up right away, and they’re not always easy. But I’m not sitting still anymore either. That’s where I need God. Not to do it for me, but to guide me and help me take the next step instead of sitting still and staying stuck.

Reflection

Where in my life am I sitting still, even though I know I need to take a different step?

Feelings Follow Actions

Take The Next Step

Change didn’t start when I felt better. It started after I acted.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

For most of my life I built a wall so I would not have to feel my feelings. I did not want to deal with those unpleasant emotions that made me feel so uncomfortable. I had learned how to shut things down and keep on moving. But when I came into recovery, and once I started working the steps, that door opened. And like a floodgate being released, all of those feelings and emotions I had been holding back for years suddenly started coming out. I was trying to feel them and experience them, but I did not know how. I didn’t know what to do with them. And many times they were confusing too, because they would intermingle and come at the same time. I remember a moment when I received some great amazing news and some horribly bad news within about 30 minutes of each other. My wife and I had just found out we were pregnant after several years of trying. We were elated and so happy. It was wonderful. And then a little later, I received a call that my dad had passed away. I was sad and angry. And then confused. Life and death all in less than an hour’s time. I felt happy and angry and sad all at the same time. I called my sponsor to get some help. He simply said, “Those are and feelings.” I began to realize that it was good that I was no longer running from my feelings. I was finally experiencing my emotions and acknowledging that they were real. But I also started to see how much of a roller coaster life becomes if I allow my emotions to become the determining factor for everything I do.

I’ve heard it said many times in the rooms of recovery, and I have found it to be true in my own life, that you can’t think your way into better behavior, but you can act your way into better thinking. And over time I began to see that the same thing is true with feelings. I cannot feel my way into better behavior, but I can act my way into better feelings. When I let my emotions dictate my actions, my life becomes unstable and reactive. I start making decisions based on how I feel in the moment, and that usually doesn’t lead me anywhere good. But when I choose to take healthy actions first, even when I don’t feel like it, something begins to shift. My behavior starts to change. And as my behavior begins to change, something starts to shift in my thinking. And as my thinking begins to change, my feelings begin to follow. Those simple actions, the ones that don’t seem like much in the moment, begin to calm the storm inside me.

Step Two says that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me, the action in that step is in the word came. I would have never started believing any of this if I had not come in the first place. I had to get up out of my feel-sorry-for-myself life and take myself down the road to a place where I could hear how to change. Not every action in recovery is grand or dramatic. Many of them are simple and even mundane. Showing up. Listening. Taking the next right step. But those small actions begin to change my behavior, and when my behavior changes it is amazing how my feelings begin to change too. I came, and then I began to believe. And as I kept showing up and taking those simple actions, I started to feel different too.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop letting my feelings run my life. Teach me to walk by faith and take the next right step, even when I don’t feel like it. I surrender the outcome to You. Amen.

My Mind Took Off

Slowing It Down

My mind can take me places that aren’t even real. I’m learning to catch it, slow it down, and come back to what’s actually true.

We are even taking every thought prisoner so that it is obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

I was in a meeting recently, and I really wanted to share. I felt like I had something valuable to offer. It was a tag meeting, and I was used to being called on. But this time, I wasn’t. And just like that, my mind took off. Maybe they don’t like me anymore. I had given a lead share just a week prior, so my mind tried to convince me that maybe I said something wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t good enough. That hit my core character defect, feeling like I’m not good enough. I even started playing out scenarios in my head, full conversations. They all got together and had a private meeting where they were talking about me. They all agreed not to call on me anymore. That I had done or said something wrong.

This is crazy thinking. I know. I also know that when I start thinking like this, it’s a good sign I need to revisit Step 2. I have insane thinking. I can carry on full conversations in my head and create entire scenarios that aren’t real. These are the things I did before recovery. And what really stood out to me was the contradiction. I’m thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough, yet at the same time thinking I’m so important that everyone is talking about me.

Then I realized there are 30 to 40 people in this meeting. Basic math tells me not everyone is going to get a chance to share. There are other people there that want to share too. That helped me put things in perspective. Maybe everything isn’t about me. Maybe they aren’t talking about me either. When I got some perspective, and spent some time in prayer and meditation, I could see this was less about rejection and more about my pride. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to contribute. And when that didn’t happen, I was disappointed. That’s normal. Recovery is helping me recognize it, identify it, and put it in its proper perspective so I don’t get pulled back into the same old thinking. When I do that, I don’t get my feelings hurt, and I don’t act out with manipulation or damage my relationships the way I used to.

Prayer
Father, help me slow down when my mind starts to take off. Help me bring it back to what is real and true. I don’t want to go back to that old thinking. Thank You for keeping me in Your hands. Amen.

Making Amends

Practice Pause

I used to think amends meant apologizing for everything I felt guilty about. Now I’m learning to slow down, look at what’s going on inside me, and stop creating the same damage.

A wise person is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
Proverbs 14:16

I was in a meeting last night and the topic was Step 9, making amends. It’s been a while since I made my initial inventory and worked it all the way through to amends. That first time was different though. I’ve gone through the steps many times over the years, including making amends. Today amends looks more like what we call a living amends. I don’t really need to go back and address people from my past. I just change the behavior when I see something that needs to change. My sponsor calls it a spot check inventory followed by amends. I just call it inventory and amends

When I first started making amends, it was hard. I didn’t really understand the purpose. I just knew it was the next step and I needed to do it to get better. Some of the first ones felt amazing. Paying people back money I owed, restoring relationships I had let fall by the wayside, it felt freeing. I thought this is great, who else can I make amends with? And in my zeal and haste, I rushed one. There was no real amends to be made, but I tried anyway. I forced it. I knew it too. It felt different inside me. God was trying to slow me down, but my pride kicked in. I had travelled this far and set the meeting. I would look stupid if I said nothing. What I really did was clear my conscience at someone else’s expense, and I lost a friendship that mattered to me. That one stayed with me. I still regret it. After that, I started slowing down. I talk things through with my sponsor now. Most of the time, if I have doubt, there’s a reason.

What I learned in that unfortunate experience is this. Most of the time when I have doubt, there is no amends to be made. That is why the doubt is there in the first place. I even used to wonder if I should apologize to that friend for my horrible amends attempt faux pas, but that would probably just bring up the same hurt again. I would be clearing my conscience at their expense all over again. When I am feeling confused or unsure, those are the times that I need to write about it. I need to look at my part. What did I do. What were my expectations. Usually I can see that it’s one of my character defects showing up. That reminds me that it’s something going on inside me, not something I need to bring to someone else. I was feeling guilt, like I was complicit. I needed to write about it and give it to God. That was all me 100%.

Amends is really about me, but not the way I thought. It’s not about trying to fix the past so I can feel better. It’s about changing how I live now so I stop creating the same damage. It’s about looking at what’s driving me, seeing the patterns, and taking responsibility for my actions moving forward. It’s about me changing what I do now so that I don’t repeat what I did before. That’s what real living amends looks like. Me changing my behaviors. I don’t have to keep going back and trying to rewrite the past. I have to accept what happened in the past as is. I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. I start to live in the present. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to slow down and be honest about what is really going on in me. Teach me to take responsibility for my actions and to live different today. Thank You. Amen.

Trying Too Hard

Already Enough

I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself… until I saw it in my daughter.

A person’s words come from what fills their heart. Matthew 12:34

My daughter plays softball, and she’s a good hitter. The other day during a game, she overheard the opposing coach say, “Wow, she makes good solid contact every time.” Her next time at bat, she walked. She was frustrated she didn’t get a chance to hit. Then her next at bat, she struck out. You could see it… she was trying so hard to hit the ball. Trying to prove she really was a good hitter. I was trying to encourage her and told her that she didn’t have to try so hard. You are a good hitter. You don’t have to prove it. Just have fun and let it happen. Later we went and did some batting practice, and she was rocking it again… just like before. God used that to show me something about me. I do the same thing with my writing. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When someone makes a positive comment about what I write, I feel it. I sometimes find that I put pressure on myself. I want to perform and do good again. I want to prove that I am good enough to deserve the praise or compliment. The truth is when I focus on growing and continuing my journey for me, I don’t have to force it. If I just keep putting good stuff in, good stuff will naturally come out. I know this. I don’t have to force it.

He showed me something else too. It can become an addiction. When someone likes what I write, it releases dopamine in my brain. And that dopamine release is an unexpected boost. My brain likes it and wants more. That is where “crave” comes from. I start craving that feeling. And my brain says, “Hey when I write something people like I can get that instant boost. Let’s do that again.” But when I focus on doing my recovery for me, to improve myself and grow closer to God, the dopamine is released naturally and evenly. I do not have spikes with quick highs and lows.

I am grateful for my recovery today. It allows me to see things as they really are. I can slow down and honestly look at my motives and make different choices. I can then share what God shows me instead of trying to write something people will think is good enough. I don’t have to prove it anymore.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop trying to prove myself. Teach me to trust what You’ve already put in me. Show me how to slow down. Help me just be me and enjoy life. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

Learning To Grow Up

No More Proving

I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to what I do. I don’t have to earn love and acceptance. I’m starting to see I can slow down, rest, and still have value.

When I was a child, my words and my feelings and my thoughts were those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for the ways of a child. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I was doing some step work and writing about having boundaries with myself, and it started taking me deeper than I expected. I began asking myself tougher questions. They were hard to ask and even harder to answer. My first instinct was to just move on and be content with the awareness, but I had that little nudge inside me telling me I was close to something and I just need to keep going. Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? Is that tied to my character defects? Feeling like I am not good enough? Rejection? Do I feel like I have to do good in order to be loved? When I honestly work the steps, I learn more about why I do the things I do. As I slow down and look at my motives, I start to see there is something deeper driving me. This stuff is real, and it really helps me. I understand why they call it a “Fearless” moral inventory. Fear almost stopped me from pursuing these feelings.

I can see how easily I place my value and worth on what I do. I want to be successful and productive. And if I am honest, since I am not financially wealthy, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I would be considered successful by doing good things, helping others, and ministering through my writing. None of those things are wrong, but I can see how I have tied my worth to them. If I am producing, I feel okay. If I am not, something feels off. I rationalize that even if what I do doesn’t produce wealth financially, maybe I would still be considered successful by enriching others’ souls. The amazing thing about step work is that once I uncover the truth about why I do what I do and find my part, I begin to see what I can do to change unwanted behaviors. Most of the time, the change first shows up in how I am thinking, not in what I am doing. It is learning to see myself and others differently. I begin to be open-minded and realize that most of my problems come from inside of me, from how I perceive what is happening in my life. There is no looking for fault or blame but simply taking responsibility to change.

I did not cause the psychological damage that was done to me, and I was powerless to stop it as a child. But I am not a child anymore. My desire now is to stop reacting like one emotionally. That is where recovery becomes practical. It teaches me how to pause, how to look at what is really driving me, and how to make a different choice. I can see now that I have been trying to prove my worth by what I do. I do not have to prove my worth or value anymore. My identity is in God. My value and worth come from Him. I rest knowing that He loves and accepts me because He is good, not because I am. I am learning how to grow up, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. And even now, as I write this, I feel like I am close to something new. I sense a new awareness emerging. I am just starting to see my motives more clearly. And as I learn to rest in God, I begin to accept myself as I am. That is me growing up.

Prayer

Father, help me stop trying to prove my worth. Teach me to rest in who You say I am. Thank You. Amen.

Safe With Me

Trusting Myself

How I treat myself matters. Recovery is teaching me to take better care of myself.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats the church, Ephesians 5:29

Lately I have been overextending myself. In my mind I think I am like the energizer bunny and I can just keep going and going. My body though has a different response, and if I am not careful, I will run myself into the ground. I get run down and more susceptible to getting sick. It starts by staying up way too late trying to get everything done I want to do. Even in practicing my recovery, I stay up late reading, writing, and editing. I am also trying to write a book. Consequently, I don’t get enough sleep, and I am tired the next day, not always at my best and not performing at my best. I also find that I can be less patient and short with people. My intent and heart is good, but I am not practicing healthy boundaries with myself. My intentions do not justify my actions. I am not treating myself with care and respect.

I was reading some literature this past weekend. In it the person mentioned that they set boundaries with themself. I paused. I had to reread it a few more times. It didn’t quite click with me at first, but I knew there was something there. Something I needed to hear and see. As I sat with it, I began to connect it to my own life. I have learned about boundaries, and I have set them with other people. But I never thought about setting a boundary with myself. I used to think boundaries were only about other people. Who I let into my life and how I allowed them to treat me. Boundaries helped me determine what I would tolerate and what I would say no to. But I am learning that some of the most important boundaries are the ones I need to set with myself. Was I being too hard on myself? Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Am I trying to prove something? I did not realize that I was the one who was mistreating me.

As I prayed and meditated on this, I began to see how I talk to myself and how I treat myself. I would replay mistakes and blame myself, and that would lead to shame. I would expect perfection and then feel disappointed and discouraged when I couldn’t live up to such an unrealistic expectation. I am simply being human. Sometimes I would excuse behavior I knew was not healthy. I was being codependent with myself. I crossed my own lines constantly. A healthy boundary with myself means I take responsibility for my actions without condemning myself. I rest without feeling guilty. I tell myself the truth without exaggeration. I am learning to stop crossing my own lines and calling it okay.

When I run myself down, I feel it. I feel it in my body, in my attitude, and in how I treat other people. This is not just about being tired. It is about how I am choosing to treat myself. I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to feel safe with myself so that I can trust myself. I am learning to slow down, to stop when I need to stop, and to take care of myself in a way that actually supports my recovery. That means I don’t keep pushing past my limits and calling it good. I am responsible for how I treat myself.

Prayer
Father, help me treat myself the way You treat me. Show me where I push too far. Teach me to slow down, to rest, and to live in a way that supports my recovery. I want to be safe with myself so I can trust myself. Thank You. Amen.

Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.