Jumping to Conclusions

When Assumption Become Facts

I did not know what happened. I just decided I did.

The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him. Proverbs 18:17

I have this little cloth that I put over my laptop keyboard before I close it. It keeps the oils and dirt from the keyboard from transferring onto the screen. I use my laptop every day to write, so I take especially good care of it, including that little cloth. The other night when I was shutting my laptop down to put it away, I could not find the cloth. I looked everywhere for it but could not find it. I thought for a brief minute that maybe I misplaced it, but immediately I thought, No. I always put my stuff away. So I assumed maybe the cat took it and thought it was a toy. The next morning I still could not find it. I asked my wife if she had seen it and told her I thought the cat took it. She said she hadn’t seen it, but I could have hers. I did not want hers. I wanted mine. And if I am honest, I wanted to complain about the cat taking my cloth. I had convinced myself that was what happened.

At lunchtime, when I was at work, I pulled out my laptop to do some writing. I was sitting at my desk, looked to the right, and there it was. My keyboard cloth was sitting right there in front of me. It had been there the whole time. The cat had not taken it. I had left it at work. I was glad I had found it, but then it started bothering me. Not because the cloth was a big deal. It only cost a couple dollars. What bothered me was how quickly I had made an assumption and blamed my cat. Why did I do that? Why wasn’t my first thought that I lost it or misplaced it? Actually, that thought did cross my mind, but I dismissed it immediately because I always take care of my stuff and I always put my important things away. And typically, I do. But this time I didn’t. Then I remembered that I was interrupted at lunch the day before. I had to handle a situation right away and I closed my laptop and put it away hastily.

I started thinking about how often I did that before recovery. I made assumptions. I jumped to conclusions. I decided why people did things or what they meant, and I was usually wrong. Apparently I still do it, even after years of recovery. This is where inventory helps. It forces me to look for my part instead of immediately trusting my assumptions. It doesn’t always come from a deep-seated hurt or wound from my past. Sometimes it is real simple. I had decided it could not be me, so I looked somewhere else. I did not know what happened to it. I assumed the cat took it, and then I started reacting to my assumption as if it were true. Recovery gives me another choice. I can stop, find my part, and admit when I simply do not know. That is a huge step for me. Accepting that I do not have all the answers.

And by the way, I came clean. I told my wife I found the cloth at work and I did make amends to my cat.

Reflection

What am I not seeing? What am assuming without really knowing?

He is God. I am Not

Seeing His Leading

Sometimes God’s direction looks like disappointment before I recognize that He is leading me.

A man’s mind plans his way [as he journeys through life], But the Lord directs his steps and establishes them. Proverbs 16:9

Before recovery, I wanted to seek God, but I wanted to do it on my terms. I had been hurt by church leaders and had decided I would have a relationship with God without going to church. I was willing to follow Him as long as He did not lead me back there. When I started recovery, I knew I was supposed to get a sponsor. There was one man, whom I immediately gravitated toward. He talked openly about God, and it was obvious to me that his relationship with Him was real. Here was my guy. He was someone who genuinely knew God without all the church stuff that I was trying to avoid. So, I asked him to sponsor me. He said no. I was hurt and offended. I felt just like I did when I was hurt by those church leaders. But God had something else in mind.

A few days later I showed up for one of my regular meetings only to find out it had been canceled. I desperately needed a meeting. I was lonely and honestly felt like acting out. On the way home, I saw a sign for a new recovery meeting happening that night. There was only one problem. It was at a church. Ugh. I had purposely avoided any recovery meeting held in a church. It hurt too much to even think of walking back into a church. I reluctantly walked in. A man greeted me at the door and asked what brought me there. I said, “Umm… I wanted to come to a recovery meeting.” He smiled and said, “Great. I have been waiting for you.” I could not get those words out of my mind. I listened intently when he shared, and I related to what he said. I came back the next week and asked him to sponsor me. He agreed to be my “temporary sponsor.” He was the first person I ever truly, fully trusted.

Working honestly through the steps with my sponsor, God began healing past hurts and wounds. I was able to let go of the resentments I carried toward church, and eventually I even started attending church again. More importantly, I began to feel free and clean before God again. I was no longer afraid to come before Him and be vulnerable in His presence. I had not felt that kind of freedom with God in a very long time.

I have heard people say many times in recovery that God did for them what they could not do for themselves. Looking back, I can see Him doing that for me. I chose the sponsor who fit my plan, and he said no. The meeting I planned to attend was canceled. The meeting I would never have chosen was at a church, and the man God used to change my life was waiting for me there. What I could not see then was that God had been directing my steps the whole time. I am very grateful for my sponsor. My life is truly better because of the work we have done together. I believe it would never have happened if God had not been doing for me what I could not do for myself. I am deeply thankful to Him for that.

He is God, and I am not.

Reflection

Am I still trying to seek God on my own terms? Where do I see Him moving in my life?

6-7

Not Whatever

I stopped asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stopped trying to do what only He can do.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13

The other day I heard someone say 6-7 to me. I chuckled to myself. 6-7 has become a popular phrase lately and seems to be everywhere. From what I understand, people often use it to mean something like, either way, one or the other, whatever, it doesn’t really matter. There is even a hand motion that goes along with it that looks like weighing two options back and forth. When I hear 6-7, it means something entirely different to me.

In recovery, I call Steps 6 and 7 the change steps. They are all about change. Step Six says, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Seven says, “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” There is nothing indecisive or ambiguous about that. In fact, Step Six confronts my indecision. Was I really ready to let go of my old ways? I wanted God to change things in my life without me having to change. I wanted relief from consequences. I wanted relationships to get better. I wanted other people to behave differently. I wanted peace, but I was not ready to surrender the attitudes and behaviors that were stealing my peace. I knew my character defects were causing problems in my life. I was tired of the consequences. I even prayed continually for God to change me. But being tired of the consequences, or even wanting God to change me, was not the same thing as me actually being ready and willing to change. I wanted the pain to stop but wasn’t entirely ready to surrender what was causing it.

That is why Step Six matters so much to me. It asks a very direct question: Am I entirely ready? Not, am I tired of the consequences? Not, do I wish things were different? Not, do I know this behavior is unhealthy? Am I ready for God to remove it? I had to ask myself what I was still getting out of those defects. What need was being met? Control made me feel safe. Anger made me feel powerful. Being right helped hide my low self-esteem. People-pleasing made me feel accepted. I hated what these things were doing to my life but was unable to surrender them. It was scary to consider letting them go. What would I do? How would I protect myself? Step Six forced me to stop living in maybe, maybe not, either way, whatever. I had to become entirely willing.

Then came Step Seven. I had to humbly ask God to take away those defects of character, attitudes, and behaviors. I identified them. I admitted what they were costing me. I became willing to let them go. But I also had to let God do in me what I had been unable to do for myself. Asking Him to remove them did not mean God would do my part for me. I still had to do my part. I had to practice different responses, take inventory, make amends, listen when someone pointed out something I did not want to hear, and make different choices when the same situations came around again.

So I have my own meaning for 6-7. Six says, “I am willing.” Seven says, “God, I need Your help.” Neither one leaves room for whatever. Six and Seven call me out of indecision and into surrender. I stop asking God to do what He asked me to do, and I stop trying to do what only He can do.

Reflection

What am I asking God to change in me that I am still unable to let go of?

What need is being met?

Only Joking

Hidden Motives

Just because someone else says they’re fine doesn’t mean there is nothing in me to examine.

A man’s conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives. Proverbs 20:27

A friend of mine plays in the adult softball league I umpire. We are not especially close, but I would like to become better friends. During a game, there was a play where he was clearly safe and I called him out just to mess with him. I was joking around. Everybody knew I was joking, and I talked to him afterward. We were fine. But driving home after the game, I still felt bad about it. I kept thinking, Why did I do that? I thought about just dismissing it by telling myself I was only joking, but something about it bothered me enough that I knew I needed to dig a little deeper.

As I thought about it, I recognized it as an old behavior. Sarcasm and joking around at somebody else’s expense used to be normal for me. I also realized that the players are always joking with each other, teasing each other, and having fun together. Part of me wanted to be included in that. I wanted to be “one of the guys.” I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be cool. I wanted my friend to like me more. The problem is, I wasn’t one of the players. I was the umpire, and my responsibility was to be professional and make the right call. The answer may simply be that I didn’t think. I relied on old instincts. I wanted connection, and instead of letting friendship develop naturally, I tried to force it.

The next morning I called my friend and apologized. He started laughing. He told me he thought the whole thing was hilarious and that I had nothing to worry about. That reassured me that our relationship was fine, but it did not remove my need to look at my motives. He was fine. I wasn’t.

This is one of the ways working the principles of recovery helps me. Instead of ignoring it when something is bothering me and I feel uneasy, I pause. I take inventory. I ask myself certain questions. What did I do? What was my part? Why did I do it? My honest answers to these questions almost always uncover the solution. Usually, it begins with me admitting to myself when my behavior does not line up with the person I want to be. If I have hurt someone, I make amends. Inventory and amends are not dependent on whether another person is upset with me. They are about me dealing with what is going on inside of me. When I do that, peace and calm replace the uneasiness. I then ask God to help me change and to show me how to avoid repeating that behavior. Sometimes the answers and the solution present themselves right away. Other times, they unfold as I continue to seek God and His will for me.

Working the steps and applying the principles to my life help me to be at peace with God and with myself. I no longer have to strive to be accepted or fit in. When I slip, like I did the other night, I don’t have to beat myself up over it. As I keep looking at myself, I will keep growing and keep becoming the person I truly want to be. That is progress. That is growth. And even though I say it so often that it may sound cliché, I truly mean it: this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Lord, help me to listen to my conscience when You are trying to speak to me and show me the things I need to change. Amen.

Barometer of Truth

Denial as Default

Just because something doesn’t make sense to me doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Not at all! Depend on it: God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth. Romans 3:4

For most of my life, before I joined recovery and started to actively work through the steps, I had inadvertently made myself the barometer for what was true. If something made sense to me, if it lined up with what I already knew and believed, then I would accept it. If it didn’t, I questioned it and usually found some reason to reject it. I thought I was being wise and using discernment. I was really just being arrogant and close-minded. I was relying on myself to determine truth.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, I learned that I couldn’t trust what others said. I had to determine for myself what was true. People I trusted often misspoke, made things up or simply lied, and there never seemed to be any consequences for it either. That just didn’t seem right to me. How could I ever trust someone who lied all the time? So, I learned to trust my own judgment. The problem was, I was still a child when I developed this way of determining what was true. I had limited knowledge, limited experience, and no healthy model to follow. I had to come up with my own way of figuring things out, and that became the foundation for how I judged everything. If something didn’t align with my knowledge, experience, and beliefs, I couldn’t accept it. I would reject it outright. Without realizing it, I had become the barometer for truth.

That contributed to me remaining in denial for so long. There were things about myself, the way I behaved, and what others said about me that I inherently knew were true. I wanted to change, I just didn’t know how to, so I refused to accept them as truth. If I admitted they were true then that meant I had to do something about them. But what? Instead, I told myself that was just their opinion. So denial became my default. Even though I would vehemently deny I was in denial. But the simple truth was I didn’t know how to fix it. Pretending it isn’t true and secretly hoping it would change on its own seemed like a reasonable option. That way I wouldn’t go crazy. The irony is, I had insane thinking. I just didn’t know it yet.

Working through the steps helped me with that, but honestly, “helped me” is euphemistic. Working the steps forced me to confront the truth, especially the truth about myself. With the help of my sponsor, I began to understand that I didn’t have to know how to fix something before admitting that it was true. I learned to accept reality, own my part, and trust God to show me what to do with it.

I don’t have to understand something before accepting that it could be true. I could be wrong. I could misunderstand something, which is very often the case. There are many things I don’t know, and that’s okay. My knowledge and experience are no longer the determining factor for what I am willing to accept. Before recovery, if something didn’t make sense to me, I rejected it. Today I am willing to consider that the problem wasn’t what was true. The problem was my way of thinking. I am not the barometer of truth anymore. God is. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to keep trusting You, for You are always truthful. Teach me to accept what is true about me, even when it’s uncomfortable and I don’t like what I see. Help me to change my thinking to become more like You. Amen.

Huge Little Thing

Sometimes it’s the little things show me just how much I have changed.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Alcoholics Anonymous, The Promises

The other night I showed up to umpire a game unprepared. I did not have the right uniform with me. I umpire for several different organizations, and each one has its own uniform requirements. I asked the league representative if I could work the game with the uniform I brought with me, hoping they would say yes. Instead, they asked if I had enough time to go home and change. Sadly, I did. So, I went home, changed my uniform, came back, and worked the game.

I have to admit I wasn’t especially pleased with the outcome of that conversation. It definitely was not what I wanted to do. However, I was cognizant of how differently I handled the situation than I would have in the past. I was upfront and honest. I did not try to lie or hide the fact that I was unprepared. I was vulnerable. I made my request known, and when I did not get the answer I wanted, I did not get upset. I didn’t try to manipulate or control to get my way. I accepted the answer they gave me and worked the game. Yes, I was embarrassed that I showed up unprepared. But because I did the right thing, the embarrassment slipped away. I showed up and did my job without an attitude. I maintained my emotional sobriety, and my disappointment didn’t leak onto anyone else either. And when the game was over, I had no resentments.

I felt proud of myself for the way I approached the situation. And deep down I sensed God was proud of me too. I was able to let it go. I did not dwell on it or play it over and over in my head. And that was a great gift. These little things that come up in my everyday life are huge for me because I know how I used to respond in the past. What stood out to me most was that it was not a challenge. It was not a battle. It was not something I vacillated on, and it was not a difficult decision. It wasn’t even a decision. I am so grateful for that.

Working through the steps of recovery has changed me from the inside. My responses are different. My thought process is different. My emotions are different. I am different. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

What little things in my life show me that I am responding differently than I used to?

First Instinct

A New Heart

Being thankful even when circumstances are out of my control is how I know recovery is working in my life.

And I will give you a new heart, I will give you new and right desires, and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love. Ezekiel 36:26

It was a sweltering hot day in the middle of a heat wave, and I had been umpiring all day. Around two o’clock, in the middle of my fourth game, it seemed like it couldn’t possibly get any hotter, but somehow it did. The game was slow and boring, and I was having a hard time staying interested and keeping my attention focused. I was exhausted and extremely hot. I felt like I could almost fall asleep standing there. I was counting the minutes until the game would finally be over. Then some large clouds drifted overhead and blocked out the sun. Almost immediately, it felt like the temperature dropped twenty degrees.

The relief felt incredible, and without even thinking about it I said, “Thank you, Lord.” I was genuinely grateful. As I was thanking God for the relief from the clouds, I quietly said, “Lord, if there could just be a breeze too, that would be amazing.” A few minutes later, a breeze picked up. I felt it moving across my sweaty skin, cooling me down even more. Once again, I thanked God. I was still hot. I was still tired. The game was still moving slowly. But now there were clouds overhead, a breeze against my skin, and I was grateful for both.

None of those circumstances were within my control. I couldn’t change the heat or make the game move faster. I couldn’t make the clouds cover the sun or cause the breeze to blow. Unpleasant circumstances didn’t just disappear when I started working recovery. They still happen. But now I get to choose what I focus on and how I will respond to what is happening around me. As I reflected on that, I realized that I was grateful for something more than the clouds and the breeze. I was grateful that my first instinct had been to thank God. There was a time when my first instinct was to look for what was wrong with everything. I could find a problem, an inconvenience, or a reason to complain without even trying.

Working through the steps has changed the way I think and what I choose to focus on. Through prayer, inventory, and deliberately looking for what is good instead of always focusing on what is wrong, my perspective has changed. I have developed a grateful heart. I didn’t have to remind myself to be grateful. I didn’t have to make myself look for something good. My first instinct was simply, “Thank you, Lord.” Gratitude had become my first instinct. And for that I’m grateful.

Prayer
God, thank You for changing my heart as I surrender to You. Help me keep choosing gratitude until it always becomes my first instinct. Amen.

Why So Much?

Taking a Closer Look

I’m realizing that I really do find what I’m looking for.

Let us look closely at our ways and examine them and then return to the LORD. Lamentations 3:40

The other day I was wondering why I always seem to have so much material to write about recovery. Almost every day I discover another lesson, another character defect, another attitude that God wants to change in me. My first thought wasn’t very encouraging. Maybe I’m still more messed up than I realize. Maybe my life is still full of turmoil. Why do I always seem to have so much material? I paused and meditated on it for a little while. I was surprised by the answer. It was pretty simple: Because I’m looking for it. At first that seemed obvious. I look for things in my everyday life that might become object lessons. But I realized there was something else going on. In my heart, I am genuinely looking for ways I can improve myself.

When I look back at the situations I’ve written about, most of them aren’t current trauma or turmoil. They’re ordinary things that happen in my everyday life. A conversation, a mistake, a disappointment, somebody’s reaction, or my own. But sometimes those ordinary situations trigger thoughts and emotions connected to trauma or turmoil from my past. Working my recovery program has helped me connect the two and recognize the cause and effect. Instead of beating myself up for what I’m feeling or how I’m thinking, I ask, Why am I feeling this way? If I can connect it to a character defect, then I surrender it to God and ask for His help. That helps me let it go. I find I’m making more discoveries and more adjustments in the moment. I don’t make as many of the same mistakes as I used to. And just as important, I don’t owe as many amends either.

It’s like I’ve developed a radar that detects things I never looked for before. That radar calls my attention to something while I still have an opportunity to address it, sometimes before it ever becomes a problem. I can keep the focus on me and remember that I’m the one who needs to change me. If I don’t like the way I’m feeling, I’m the one who needs to change my emotions. If my thinking is taking me somewhere I don’t want to go, I’m the one who needs to change the way I think. That’s not always as easy to do as it is to say, but the process itself is pretty simple. I look honestly at myself. I take an inventory. I look for my part. I admit my part. I own my part. Then I ask God to show me how to change.

God never lets me down. He always comes through with His part. And if I’m honest, most of the time there is already something inside me urging me toward what I need to do, but I sometimes suppress it or resist it. When I humble myself, become willing, and make the change, other things begin to fall into place. My emotions change. My thoughts become calm. I find peace and resolve where there might once have been chaos. Maybe I have so much to write about recovery because I’m working my recovery program. I’m looking for opportunities to grow, and because I’m looking for them, I’m finding them. That’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
Am I looking for opportunities to practice recovery in my everyday life?

Unattended Consequences

Little things rarely stay little if unattended.

Paying Attention

Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming! Song of Solomon 2:15

I spent part of the weekend catching up on some long overdue yardwork. This spring has been unusually wet. Between the alternating rain and sunshine, not to mention watering the trees, the weeds had gotten completely out of control. What once started out as small weeds weeks ago had become large, deeply rooted, and thriving. As I started pulling them, I noticed a couple things. The weeds had now become home to all kinds of bugs. Wasps, hornets, beetles, spiders, and all kinds of other insects had made the weeds their home. Now I was disturbing their environment. They immediately scattered, buzzed around me, and seemed determined to defend their territory. I can’t blame them for that. They were everywhere, but the bugs were not really the problem. My neglect had allowed an entire ecosystem to develop. The bugs were simply living in the environment I had allowed to develop and I was now disrupting it. By putting off regular maintenance, I had unintentionally created the conditions where their ecosystem could not only live but thrive.

I couldn’t help but see the parallel to my recovery. Character defects rarely develop overnight. They grow because I neglect the little things. I procrastinate on my step work. I neglect my prayer life. I stop journaling. I tell myself I’m too busy to attend a meeting or call my sponsor. None of those acts of neglect seem significant by themselves. But over time they can accumulate and create an environment where unhealthy attitudes, old thinking, and destructive behaviors can take root and begin to flourish. What once could have been pulled with very little effort when it was small, becomes deeply rooted simply because I kept telling myself I’d deal with it later.

As I continued working, I also noticed that the weeds were much harder to remove than they ever had been in the past. Normally I could have pulled the weeds easily by hand, but now I couldn’t. Because I had waited so long, what should have been a simple job now required much more time and effort. What once required only my hands now required gloves, a rake, a hoe, and a shovel. Recovery is no different. The longer I ignore an issue, the more work it often takes to address it. In my recovery, a daily Step 10 inventory helps me address small issues before they become deeply rooted and begin affecting other areas of my life. I can’t afford to ignore the small things and expect them to stay small.

When I was done, I sat down with a cup of iced tea admiring my work and how nice the yard looked again. As I sat there, I began reflecting on everything I had noticed while working. This wasn’t exposing a problem I have today as much as reminding me why I don’t want to go back to the way I used to live. Recovery has changed what I pay attention to. Before recovery, I ignored little things, and even the big things, pretending they weren’t really there. Denial made that easy. Today, I know that little things rarely stay little. That’s why I try to pay attention before they have the opportunity to become deeply rooted. Daily prayer, honest inventory, meetings, and talking with my sponsor aren’t just recovery disciplines. Those practices help me recognize small issues before they have the chance to take root and grow into old attitudes and behaviors. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

What have I been putting off? Is there a small issue I need to address today before it has the opportunity to take root and grow?

On The Spot

A Decision Followed by Action

I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can change what happens next.

I can do all things through Christ, because He gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

The other day I was umpiring an adult slow-pitch softball game after work. I was tired. It had been a long day, and I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Typically, there is not a lot of action and most of the calls are obvious. So, I usually do not have to move very much. However, there was a close play at third base. I called the runner out, but I was still all the way back at home plate. It was possible the fielder missed the bag, but I was not in the best position to see it. The runner was upset and said he had been safe by a couple of steps. Honestly, every player says they were safe, so I shrugged it off. But inwardly, I knew I was not in the correct position to make the call. I thought about it for a few minutes, but instead of letting my mind spin on it, I decided to change right there, on the spot.

I told myself, “I can do better. I am a better umpire than this. I am going to hustle and get into the right position. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I cannot see the play again.” I prayed and asked God to give me strength and help me do better. And He did. And then so did I. Even though I was still tired, I sensed an extra boost as soon as I began making the effort. I found that I was able to hustle, move, and get the right angle. God had given me exactly what I needed, but I still had to act on what He gave me. Before recovery, I probably would have promised myself that I would do better the next time I umpired. This time, I made the decision and immediately followed it with action. That showed me I have grown. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I even started to have fun working again.

The lesson for me was this: I do not have to beat myself up, but I do not have to stay the same either. I can do something. I can change. I have learned in recovery that I can change my mind and do something different right then. I do not have to wait for a new game. I do not have to wait for another day. I can make a change, put it into action, and begin practicing it right there on the spot. I cannot go back and undo a past mistake, but I can learn from it and do something different so I do not keep repeating it. And that is exactly what I did. I felt better about myself afterward too. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to recognize when I need to change and do something different. Give me the strength to do it right then. Thank you for always being faithful to help me. Amen.

Feeling Meh

Why Not Pray?

I kept waiting to feel different.
Nothing changed while I waited.
Something changed when I prayed.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I had been feeling kind of meh all week. I was a little irritable and just not quite myself. I was aware of it, and it bothered me a little, but not enough to really look at it. I had become complacent, allowing myself to be okay with not being okay. Other people seemed to notice too. Earlier in the day, someone tried to make me smile and someone else asked what was wrong because I was not smiling. Apparently, my normal is that I usually smile. Not a bad accusation. I realized that my meh attitude was leaking and my face showed it. I did not like that.

As I was driving home from work, I thought about those comments from earlier in the day. I did not want to stay meh any longer, but I did not know what to do about it. Then I had this crazy thought: Why don’t I pray? It was nothing miraculous or spiritually enlightening. I simply said, “God, help me stop feeling this way. Help me have a different attitude. Help me get my smile back.” The heavens didn’t open and angels didn’t descend on me, but almost immediately I started to feel better. The meh feeling began to dissipate. I felt at ease, and I felt a smile start to stretch across my face. I thought, I am going to have a good rest of the night. And I did.

After that, I began doing a spot inventory. Why had it taken me almost an entire week to do something about feeling off? Had I become comfortable with being complacent? Was I expecting something to change without doing anything to make it happen? That was insanity popping up again. Then I began asking myself harder questions. Why had prayer stopped being my first response? Why was I waiting until something felt off before I prayed? That is when I got honest with myself. I had to admit the truth: I had let prayer fall out of my daily routine. Missing my daily prayer time started to show, quietly surfacing in my attitude. I was irritable and uneasy, and I had lost my smile. Although I was aware of it, I did nothing to change it. I was expecting it to change on its own.

Step 11 gives me the solution: seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out. God is the one who helped me to this point. Did I think I would suddenly be able to carry on by myself? I still need His help every day. I did not need to go back and work all the steps over again. I simply needed to recognize what had happened, correct it, and move forward. When I pray, something changes in me. I may hide things from other people or even deny them to myself, but I cannot hide them from God. Prayer brings me honestly into His presence. It humbles me and makes me willing to change. I humbled myself, asked God to help me, and He did. He met my meh with grace and mercy, and I was changed. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me make time for daily prayer. Show me when complacency tries to set in, and give me the strength to seek You even when I do not feel like it. Amen.

Letting Go

Sometimes God doesn’t just teach me through the topic of a meeting. He asks me to practice it before the meeting is over.

And the Lord’s servant must not be a man of strife: he must be kind to all, ready and able to teach: he must have patience and the ability gently to correct those who oppose his message. He must always bear in mind the possibility that God will give them a different outlook, and that they may come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2:24-25

I attended a recovery meeting recently where the topic was letting go. The person leading opened by talking about surrendering to a higher power. They continued, saying that your higher power could be anything you wanted it to be. The group. Nature. Anything that you thought helped you. Immediately I felt myself getting edgy. And I sensed the need to defend the integrity of the program rise up inside of me. I thought “That is not what the literature says. That is not what the Twelve Steps teach.” I thought I am going to speak up so the other people in the group listening would not believe that nonsense, but instead know the truth. Hearing about that belief is what kept me from coming to recovery in the beginning. Somehow I thought it was my responsibility to set things straight. But that was the old me. I don’t act out my crazy thinking anymore.

Then it hit me. This meeting’s topic was about letting go. Why don’t I try to do that. So my next best thought was to simply leave the meeting. That way I wont cause a scene or any problems in the group. And that is when another thought entered my mind. It was a little bit firmer and direct. I know it was God. He said “Why don’t you let go of your desire to control this meeting? Let go of your desire to be right?” Instantly everything stopped. God had just given me an opportunity to practice it. I quietly chuckled to myself. The irony had not escaped me.

I quietly prayed, “Lord, help me to let go and listen. Help me get something out of this meeting.”

As I listened to others share their experience, strength, and hope, I found myself encouraged. I heard how people practiced letting go in practical ways. As I listened I realized that I was actually practicing letting go as I sat there. It was a real-life object lesson. I was a student, this was my classroom, and God was my teacher. I left the meeting grateful I was able to attend instead of resentful because some believed differently than I do.

I still believe, as the Big Book says, that there is no recovery apart from God. My convictions haven’t changed. What has changed is my understanding of what God was asking of me. He wasn’t asking me to correct others. He was asking me to surrender my own life and will to His care. I had to let go of my desire to control the meeting and trust Him to do what only He can do. The irony still makes me smile. I walked into a meeting about letting go. I assumed someone else needed the lesson, and I was the messenger. But I realized God had led me there to teach me.

I am the student.

A Day of Discovery

I brought home a prize from the county fair. Discovering my wants mattered too.

Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4

The other day I was reflecting on my early days of recovery when one memory immediately came to mind. It was just a few months into my recovery journey. I saw the promo for the county fair and I wanted to go, so I decided to go, even if it meant going by myself. I remember driving there and sitting in my car after I parked, wondering if I should just leave and go back home. Before recovery, I never would have considered doing something like this. It wasn’t because I felt lonely or embarrassed. This was something I had chosen to do on purpose. It felt like one of those assignments that my sponsor would always give me. The only difference was this one I was giving myself. I was wondering if I could really do this recovery stuff. Could I really build a healthy life making my own right decisions?

As I walked through the fairgrounds, I meandered and drifted. I wasn’t in a hurry and I had no plan or agenda. I went wherever I wanted to go. I stopped at the exhibits that interested me. I stopped and listened to a band performing, after a few songs I moved on, even though they were still performing. In the past I would have stayed and listened to the whole set before moving on, even though I wanted to leave. I would have been concerned about what others might think about me for leaving prematurely. Not this time. Those may seem like ordinary decisions to some, but they weren’t ordinary for me. Growing up, I never got the manual on what was normal and ordinary. I was forging my own path. That day I was discovering what I liked and wanted. Then I came across a demonstration for a set of cookware. I was impressed with the presentation and quality of the product. I really wanted it, but immediately I started trying to justify why I should buy it. I remembered reading something in my recovery devotional that morning that encouraged me to do something for myself today. So I bought it.

At the time buying that cookware became a symbolic action for me. The cookware was very nice, but it was merely a representation of a day of discovery. I discovered what I liked and wanted. I gave myself permission to pursue it. The greatest gift I received that day was realizing that I could do something for myself simply because I wanted to. There was nothing wrong with thinking or feeling that way either. In fact, I learned it was actually healthy. I could make my own right decisions. Over time, as I continued working through the steps I felt empowered and confident that I could begin to trust my own decisions. I was no longer a victim worried about what other people thought of me, or even what I imagined they thought of me. I finally had permission to discover that my wants mattered and that acting on healthy wants wasn’t selfish at all. It was freeing.

Reflection

What is something I could do for myself today, just because I want to?

Attraction Rather Than Promotion

I spent years trying to convince other people, only to push them away. As I allowed God to continue changing me, people began approaching me instead.

They may be won without words by the way you live… 1 Peter 3:1-2

I recently heard something that made me stop and think. I was attending one of those meetings where they crack open the books and talk about the Steps and Traditions. The topic that night was Tradition Eleven. While it is often associated with public relations and anonymity, it was the idea of attraction rather than promotion that caught my attention. I learned early that although the steps and traditions are written as we, I can still apply them as personal principles for how I live my life and relate to others. Before recovery, I was a zealous Christian minister. I loved talking about God and the Bible. I looked for every opportunity to steer conversations toward spiritual things. I even learned and practiced segues to transition conversations back around to what I wanted to talk about.

From the onset I saw how people in the rooms of recovery interacted. They read guidelines they followed before every meeting. These guidelines said we listen without interrupting while others are sharing. We don’t comment or offer advice on what others share. I became acutely aware that this was much different from how I attempted to communicate with people. While the other person was talking, I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to say, just waiting for a pause so I could jump in to say what I was thinking. My sponsor directed me to read some literature where I discovered that I had not been listening at all. I learned that what I was doing was referred to as manipulation and control.

I discovered I had been giving unsolicited advice, telling people what they should do, and pointing them toward what I believed was the truth. When people resisted or pulled away, I usually assumed the problem was with them. Maybe they weren’t ready. Maybe they lacked spiritual understanding. When I started practicing these principles in all my affairs, it reshaped how I began to approach people. Instead of trying to change them, I focused on allowing God to continue changing me. I worked my own inventory instead of everyone else’s. I learned to keep my opinions to myself unless someone asked. If they did ask, I tried to share only my own experience, strength, and hope. If I didn’t have anything to offer, I learned to remain silent and simply listen. This is how I began carrying the message to others.

Something unexpected happened as I started practicing these principles. Instead of chasing opportunities to speak about my beliefs, opportunities began finding me. As my behaviors began to change, people became curious. They approached me. They shared their stories. They asked me questions. I found that I no longer needed to force conversations or steer them where I wanted them to go. When the time was right, those conversations often went there naturally. I still enjoy talking about God and the Bible whenever the opportunity presents itself. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to force the opportunity. Being mindful of the phrase “attraction rather than promotion” became a practical reminder for me to stop trying to change other people and instead let God continue changing me. That is how I am learning to carry the message to others. This is the paradox. The very thing I desired to do, came to me when I stopped chasing it.

Recovery Principle

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion…Tradition Eleven

How Do I Do That?

Practicing Recovery

Practicing recovery usually begins with considering the possibility of a different response.

Don’t let evil get the upper hand, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:21

Where we live the water is not good for drinking. One of my weekly chores is to take our 5-gallon jugs and get them refilled. I recently stopped at the store to do that. Knowing I would need space to put the full jugs into my car, I pulled in to the parking slot, like I have done so many times before, giving myself plenty of room on both sides. I grabbed a shopping cart and placed all of my empty jugs into it, and headed to the water refill station. When I came back to my car, a big four-wheel-drive pickup had parked next to me. It was so close to my driver’s side that I couldn’t open my door and squeeze into my car. As I looked closer, I noticed a fresh ding and mark on my door with paint that matched the same color of the truck. I could tell exactly what had happened. I went around to the passenger’s side and crawled across the seats to the driver’s side. I started my car and moved it over so I would have enough room to load my water. While I was doing that, I felt resentment try to rear its ugly head and my mind was suddenly busy with vindictive thoughts. I thought about swinging my door into their truck and leaving a ding. I thought about turning the shopping cart upside down and leaving it behind their vehicle so they would have to deal with it. I even thought about leaving a really nasty note. Then, out of nowhere, another thought interrupted all that and came into my mind. I think it was God, but it sounded an awful lot like my sponsor, so you know what that means. It simply said, “This is a good chance to practice recovery.” At first that thought made me even angrier. How will they ever know they did me wrong?

As I thought about practicing recovery, I wasn’t even sure what that meant in this situation. The only thing I could think of was to load my water, return the shopping cart where it belonged, get in my car, and drive home. I didn’t have some profound spiritual experience standing there in the parking lot. I just knew I had a choice. I could pass along the frustration that had just been handed to me, or I could let it stop with me. So, that is just what I did. Whoever it was that parked next to me may not know or even care that they damaged my car and made my day more difficult. But that really wasn’t the point. What I am learning is that I don’t have to seek revenge when someone does me wrong or hurts me. I can choose a different response.

Before coming to recovery, someone else’s actions like this would usually determine mine. I would react and respond in kind. If they were rude, I was rude. If they hurt me, I wanted to hurt them right back. Tit for tat. An eye for an eye was my motto. But that is contrary to what I have learned so far in recovery. Surrendering my old thoughts to God and letting them go was practicing recovery. I was using the spiritual principles of the program. Like acceptance, self-control and forgiveness. I was thinking differently and considering a new approach to old feelings.

Today I am thankful, that with God’s help, I made a healthy choice. I did not act on the thoughts that started running through my head. I paused, took a breath and slowed down my thinking. I considered a different option. I feel like I won in that moment in the battle for control of my thinking and actions. I don’t owe an amends, and I didn’t retaliate or react. I didn’t do something I might regret later. And that’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

How can I practice recovery in my life today?