Start Listening
I’m learning that my resentment toward others usually has more to do with my own hurts than anything they’ve actually done.
What a shame – yes, how stupid! – to decide before knowing the facts! Proverbs 18:13 (TLB)
A few years back, I was assigned to work a weekend tournament. After completing my games on Saturday, I received a call from the tournament director telling me I was not needed for Sunday because my games had been given to another umpire. Then, the following weekend, I was bumped from a tournament I had already committed to, and once again the games were given to the same guy. I was upset because I had been replaced. About a month later, my partner got sick, and this same umpire was called in to relieve him. During the game I watched the way he worked, and I noticed every little mistake he made. I compared myself to him, thinking he wasn’t as good as me. “Why would they choose him instead of me?” I was critical of him and it showed. I was curt with him. I’m sure I was a peach to work with back then.
Last weekend, I found myself working with this same umpire again. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I still had the same opinion of him that I’d formed years earlier. That began to change when we started talking. Or more correctly, when I started listening. He asked me about myself, and I told him a little about me. Then a thought came to mind. It sounded a lot like my sponsor, but I know it was God. “It is pretty rude to just talk about yourself and not ask anything about him.” So I did. That’s when he started telling me his story. He said I looked familiar and asked if we’d worked together before. I shared with him a brief summary of our history. He seemed truly upset about it. He said he never intended to take anyone’s games and didn’t know mine had been taken away and given to him. He even apologized for it. I realized I had misjudged this man. After listening to him for just a few minutes, I started to see him as a person instead of my opponent.
As I listened, I realized that I had blamed him for something that wasn’t his fault, and I had developed a resentment over it. Thinking that this guy was chosen over me pushed my buttons. I felt like I was not good enough. And since I never dealt with it back then, it just hung out and grew. In my hurt and trying to make myself look better, I even made disparaging remarks about him to other people.
After listening to him, I realized I really liked this guy. We share many of the same interests and have had similar life experiences. I had viewed him only through the lens of my own hurt. I’m sincerely grateful that God allowed us to work together. He has given me the opportunity to change my thinking and not remain the same old person. He also gave me an opportunity to make amends. And I did. On top of all that, there’s a bonus gift. I have a new friend. This is what working the Twelve Steps and applying the principles of recovery looks like in my life. God is changing my thinking, and that changes how I treat other people. And that is the gift of recovery for me.
Prayer: God, help me to listen instead of making assumptions. Show me when my own hurts and character defects are affecting how I see and treat others. Give me the strength and courage to change my behavior. Amen.
