Change of View

Start Listening

I’m learning that my resentment toward others usually has more to do with my own hurts than anything they’ve actually done.

What a shame – yes, how stupid! – to decide before knowing the facts! Proverbs 18:13 (TLB)

A few years back, I was assigned to work a weekend tournament. After completing my games on Saturday, I received a call from the tournament director telling me I was not needed for Sunday because my games had been given to another umpire. Then, the following weekend, I was bumped from a tournament I had already committed to, and once again the games were given to the same guy. I was upset because I had been replaced. About a month later, my partner got sick, and this same umpire was called in to relieve him. During the game I watched the way he worked, and I noticed every little mistake he made. I compared myself to him, thinking he wasn’t as good as me. “Why would they choose him instead of me?” I was critical of him and it showed. I was curt with him. I’m sure I was a peach to work with back then.

Last weekend, I found myself working with this same umpire again. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I still had the same opinion of him that I’d formed years earlier. That began to change when we started talking. Or more correctly, when I started listening. He asked me about myself, and I told him a little about me. Then a thought came to mind. It sounded a lot like my sponsor, but I know it was God. “It is pretty rude to just talk about yourself and not ask anything about him.” So I did. That’s when he started telling me his story. He said I looked familiar and asked if we’d worked together before. I shared with him a brief summary of our history. He seemed truly upset about it. He said he never intended to take anyone’s games and didn’t know mine had been taken away and given to him. He even apologized for it. I realized I had misjudged this man. After listening to him for just a few minutes, I started to see him as a person instead of my opponent.

As I listened, I realized that I had blamed him for something that wasn’t his fault, and I had developed a resentment over it. Thinking that this guy was chosen over me pushed my buttons. I felt like I was not good enough. And since I never dealt with it back then, it just hung out and grew. In my hurt and trying to make myself look better, I even made disparaging remarks about him to other people.

After listening to him, I realized I really liked this guy. We share many of the same interests and have had similar life experiences. I had viewed him only through the lens of my own hurt. I’m sincerely grateful that God allowed us to work together. He has given me the opportunity to change my thinking and not remain the same old person. He also gave me an opportunity to make amends. And I did. On top of all that, there’s a bonus gift. I have a new friend. This is what working the Twelve Steps and applying the principles of recovery looks like in my life. God is changing my thinking, and that changes how I treat other people. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer: God, help me to listen instead of making assumptions. Show me when my own hurts and character defects are affecting how I see and treat others. Give me the strength and courage to change my behavior. Amen.

Powerless, Not Helpless

Acceptance and Responsible Action

Getting older can stir up resentment we don’t expect. Here’s what happened when I worked a Fourth Step on it.

My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lately I have been more aware of my body. I do not have the same stamina I once had. I get tired easier. It takes longer to recover. I get sick sometimes when I seldom did before. As I get older, my body does not always cooperate with my mind the way it used to. That affects how much I can work, how much I can play, and even how I view myself as a man. I noticed something stirring underneath the surface. It began as uneasiness that would not go away. Then it turned into frustration and comparison. I would see other men my age still pushing hard, and I felt it. The old fear of not being good enough.

My sponsor taught me that when something is bothering me, I need to write about it. Thoughts become clear when they pass through our lips and fingertips. That is Fourth Step work. So I wrote about it. I asked myself why I was feeling not good enough and what I was afraid of. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was not just resentful of getting older as much as I was resentful of getting weaker. And I was afraid I would not be able to continue living the life that I was accustomed to. I was grieving the part of me who could push longer and produce more. When I dug deeper, I saw something I did not want to admit. I was angry at God. I was embarrassed to see that on paper. Aging is a natural process. I am not a victim. My life is not over. Yet I was blaming Him for something that simply is what it is.

As odd as it may sound, admitting that brought relief. God already knew what I was thinking. But my admittance was about being honest with myself. Aging exposes a new kind of powerlessness. I cannot control time, and I cannot stop my body from changing. When I resist that reality, resentment can build. When I accept it, that pressure releases. Acceptance does not mean fading away into weakness. It means making wise adjustments. I require more sleep now, so I go to bed earlier. I eat healthier so I have more energy. I exercise so my body can build endurance and strength. I keep my brain engaged and my mind active, looking for things that require mental effort. I stay connected in my relationships.

Working the Steps helps me move from embarrassment to acceptance, and from acceptance to action. I am powerless over aging, but I am not helpless. I still have choices that affect my stamina, my health, and my outlook. My goals have not disappeared. They have shifted. Because of my relationship with God, I can be honest with Him and with myself. I am not fading away. I am not stagnant. I am adjusting. I am progressing and growing in my recovery. It keeps me mentally and emotionally healthy. The decisions I make will help my body be as healthy as it can be. I can face this season with confidence instead of resentment. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You that I can be honest with You about my fears and frustrations. Help me accept what I cannot control and take wise action where I can. Keep my heart free from resentment and steady in Your grace. Teach me to adjust wisely and trust that Your strength is enough for me. Amen.