Right Here, Right Now

Learning to live in the moment.

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be happy today. Psalm 118:24

I remember the first time I really understood what it meant to be double minded. Scripture says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways, but for years that felt more like a concept than something practical. One Sunday I was sitting in church listening to a guest speaker. To be honest, I was not that interested. Then my phone buzzed with a text from a family member. I picked my phone to read it. They were asking about dinner plans that evening. I immediately heard something inside me say, “Are you present, or are you being double minded?” It stopped me in my tracks. That was my aha moment. Double minded wasn’t just about the Bible or my beliefs about God, it was about how I engage in everyday life. I realized being present meant my mind and my body needed to be in the same place at the same time. My body was sitting in church, but my mind was somewhere else. I decided to put action to this new understanding. So, I set my phone down, turned it face down so I wouldn’t be tempted and distracted. I asked God to help me get something, even one thing, from what was being shared. I did. But the real lesson that day was not the sermon. It was the calmness inside my mind that stayed with me.

What struck me later was how ironic it was. I had spent years in church trying to grasp spiritual truths like this, yet it did not really come alive until after I started recovery. When it did, it was like a dam bursting open. I began to see how often my mind drifted away from where my body was. Practicing the principles of recovery has helped me put practical application to spiritual ideas like this. It was like there was another layer of denial I had never realized was being peeled away. I saw how I was still escaping in my mind from where I was physically. I would replay a past event, trying to rewrite the outcome somehow, or worry about the future and how to control it. My mind was everywhere except where my feet were planted. In reality, it was exhausting. I had never noticed before how rarely I was actually present in my own life.

Learning to keep my mind where my body was took practice, and at first it was hard. But the more I made a conscious effort to keep my thoughts focused on what was happening in front of me, the more I started to notice God working right there. Many times I received answers to things I had been praying about. Staying in the moment brought a peace and calmness that felt almost tangible. My mind was no longer rehearsing future conversations or trying to rebuild a happier past. I was right here, right now. And when I was fully present, I actually enjoyed where I was and the people around me. I decided to be there for a reason, so I started to let my mind be there too. I began to notice the laughter, the quiet, and the simple moments of everyday life opening up like a bouquet of roses that had been there all along, just waiting for me to stop and smell.

Reflection
Where do I tend to escape in my mind when I feel uncomfortable or bored?

Restoring My Brain

I’m learning how God is using recovery to restore my brain from addictive behaviors I could not control.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I’ve been reading about how addiction connects to what’s going on in the brain, and it really opened my eyes. The more I learned, the more I could see my own patterns and why I tend to fall back into certain behaviors I don’t want. One thing that really stood out to me is that God designed our brains with chemicals that help us engage and live life fully through connection with Him and others. Dopamine is one of those chemicals. It gives us the drive to go after things like food, relationships, purpose, and growth. Oxytocin is another. It helps us feel calm, safe, and connected. When our minds and bodies are aligned, working the way God intended, dopamine helps us take the next right step, and oxytocin lets us know when we’re safe enough to slow down and rest. Together they keep us steady, so we don’t go from one extreme to the other. We live in a place where we can want things without feeling overwhelmed and make decisions without fear.

Addiction starts when these chemicals get out of sync and become imbalanced. Dopamine stops looking for relief from feeling safe and being close to people. Instead of gently guiding me, it suddenly feels like an urgent pressure demanding relief right now. That urgency is why things start to slip. My brain begins to believe that the only way to have peace comes from instant gratification instead of patience and trust in God. Over time, my brain forgets how to rest and how to wait. It gets used to the shortcut and starts to expect it, and before I know it, it starts demanding immediate relief. And that’s why I start looking for a fix to meet that demand.

What surprised me was realizing that this same chemical imbalance occurs in my brain and is created through my codependent behaviors. It is not just something caused by drugs and alcohol. I feel it when I start trying to manage everyone and everything, fixing problems, smoothing things over, or trying to keep everyone happy. I get uncomfortable and feel uneasy. I suddenly have the urge to jump into fix-it mode because it feels like the fastest way to get relief. That relief simulates a feeling of peace, but it is short lived and never lasts. The urge to manage comes back again and again. Each time a bit stronger. I started to see that what I thought was love and concern is often my brain chasing a quick dopamine release through control. The pattern is always the same. Urgency first, relief second, exhaustion later. It dawned on me that this rush for an instant relief, an urgent dopamine release in my brain, is nothing more than a counterfeit for spirituality and peace with God. God designed dopamine to be released naturally and evenly.

It shows up as that feeling that something has to be dealt with right now, even when nothing is actually happening. It often sounds like “I just need to fix this” or “Once this is handled, I’ll feel better.” I notice it in my body as restlessness, tightness, or the inability to sit still when things feel uncertain. The relief feels real, but it fades quickly, and the urgency always comes back. It feels less like desire and more like pressure, as if peace depends on acting immediately.

I now recognize why God desires me to embrace spiritual disciplines in my life. It is not to be strict or demanding. It is because of His love for me. When He calls me to be patient, to seek Him through prayer and meditation, to exercise and eat healthy, and to stay connected with others, He wants what is best for me. These practices release an even, balanced, and healthy amount of dopamine and oxytocin in my brain. They help keep me emotionally regulated so I am not driven by urgency or addiction.

Prayer breaks the cycle of urgency and helps me slow down. Waiting teaches my body that stress and pressure won’t destroy me. Being honest with people instead of trying to manage how they react opens the door to real personal connection. Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable at first, but over time they bring real peace one bit at a time. Each time I choose trust over control, my brain learns something new. I am learning that I do not have to perform to feel safe. I do not have to fix everything. I am not walking alone. Over time, what once felt impossible becomes normal. That is discipline. That is healing. That is the balance God intended. That is freedom and true serenity.

Reflection
Where do I notice urgency showing up in my thoughts or body right now, and what might it look like to pause and trust God instead of reacting?

I Was Really Fighting Myself

I wasn’t being attacked spiritually. I was being triggered. That changed my perspective.

We demolish arguments and every proud thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I recently had someone do something mean and hurtful to me. It hurt very much and I was angry as well as hurt. I began to process that. Then Ephesians 6:12 came to mind. I am not wrestling against flesh and blood, but wicked spiritual forces. My first instinct was familiar. I told myself, My problem is not with this person but with the spiritual forces influencing them. I began to pray the way I had many times before, praying for this person to be free from the evil spirits causing them to act that way. I was sincere. I wanted relief. I wanted justice. Mostly, I wanted the pain to stop.

In the middle of that prayer, a sudden and different thought interrupted me. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because it was calm, clear, simple and it brought peace. Instead of binding the spirit governing him, why not bind the spirit governing you? I resisted that at first. I wasn’t the one who caused the hurt. I wasn’t the one acting out. Then I was made aware. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one offended. I was the one angry. My thinking was being influenced, affecting my emotions and my behaviors.

I saw recovery here. I wasn’t being attacked. I was being triggered. My buttons were being pushed. I was reacting, rehearsing the offense, and letting resentment take up space in my mind. I finally saw it. I had been trying to control someone else instead of practicing self-control. I was asking God to change someone else’s behavior instead of asking Him to change mine. I have learned in recovery that I can have peace in the midst of chaos. I don’t have to succumb to hurt, anger and resentment. I can give them over to God and allow peace and love fill its place. This is about me and my core issues.

I see spiritual warfare differently now. Instead of praying that God will change someone else, I pray that God will help me see what I can do to change the way I’m thinking. I ask Him to help me forgive and walk in love so I don’t hold onto grudges or resentments. That’s where recovery shows up for me. I do step work to keep me from staying hurt, angry, or resentful. This is what spiritual warfare looks like in real life. It’s using self-control instead of control. It’s spiritual recovery in action.

Prayer
God, help me when I am hurt to get control of my thoughts. Show me what needs to change in me so I don’t become angry or resentful. Reveal to me my part and give me wisdom to know how to change. I ask for Your strength to walk in love and to forgive. Amen.

Giving Back

Giving back is not about fixing anyone. Sometimes it is just showing up

Freely you have received; freely give. Matthew 10:8

When I first came into recovery, Andy T. was the first person I connected with. He was what they called an old timer, someone who had been active in recovery for a long time. Active did not just mean sober. It meant he kept coming to meetings (plural), worked the steps with a sponsor, and sponsored others. I met Andy in a newcomers meeting, my very first meeting and for a while my only one. After the meeting, he talked with me, encouraged me to keep coming back, and gave me his phone number. I called him more times than I care to admit.

What I did not understand at first was why someone with over forty five years in recovery would still need to come to a newcomers meeting. Being new, I was a bit skeptical, so I asked him. His answer surprised me. He said he came for me. Not because he needed the meeting, but because newcomers need to see that recovery works and that people stay. He didn’t have an agenda to teach or fix the newbies, Andy just showed up and shared his experience strength and hope. I learned right away that giving back is not about having all the answers or words to say. It is about being present. It is just being there and being willing to walk with someone who is brand new and unsure

That lesson still challenges me. Newcomers need to hear recovery from old timers, people who are living it, not just talking about it. Giving back keeps recovery alive in both them and me. After practicing recovery for almost two decades now, I realize that I might be the person who needs to show up for someone newer. If I am not showing up where the need is, I am missing part of what was freely given to me. Recovery was never meant to stop with me. It is meant to be passed on, one conversation, one meeting, one act of willingness at a time.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for the people who freely gave to me when I was new and unsure. Help me stay willing to give back in the same way, by showing up, listening, and sharing honestly. Keep me mindful that what I have received is meant to be shared. Amen.

As I Understood Him

Recovery didn’t change God… it changed how I saw Him.

You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God. Colossians 3:10

I used to think that since I am already a believer in Jesus, I did not need any steps except One, Jesus. I clung to the phrase “Jesus and me, we make a majority”. I thought that embracing the 12 Steps was literally taking a step down to a lower level of reality. My belief not only made it hard for me to walk into the rooms in the first place, but I resisted it so much that I encouraged others to resist it too. When I did finally come to recovery, I was very cautious and skeptical because I struggled with the wording of Step Three. “We surrender our life and will to the care of God as we understood Him”. I got stuck on that phrase. I was not open minded. I thought it was suggesting that I could create a God of my own making. I thought it was saying I could invent my own version of God, and that is idolatry. It felt completely wrong to me.

Over time, as I listened and meditated and thought about the wording, something softened in me. I realized I had been hearing what I thought it said and what I may have heard others say instead of what it actually said. It did not say the God of my understanding. It said God as I understood Him. That one small shift in wording opened something big inside me. That realization took a weight off me I did not even know I was carrying. It dawned on me. It was not saying that I was creating a different God or my own God. It meant I was growing in how I understood the same God I had always believed in. He has not changed. He has always been the same. But the way I saw Him began to change. My old ideas and the fears that I had attached to God started breaking down. Instead of seeing Him as strict, disappointed, or waiting for me to mess up, I began to see Him through the lens of grace. The Bible says it is by grace we are saved. And although I knew that intellectually, because of my thinking, I still perceived Him as a God of judgment and felt like I could never get His approval because I was not good enough.

Now my understanding of God looks different than it did back then. I see Him as loving and gentle and patient with me. I see Him offering forgiveness, compassion, and second chances that never run out. He gives unlimited do overs. I see Him accepting me as I really am, not as how I think I should be. I no longer feel like I have to earn His approval. And the more my understanding changes, the more peace I feel. Now I breathe easier, especially in moments when I catch myself lifting my head a little higher, throwing my shoulders back, and smiling because I feel safe with Him. Recovery has not changed God. Recovery has changed how I perceive Him, and that change has changed everything. I now accept that He brings me comfort, hope, and joy that I did not have before.

Reflection: What old beliefs about God do I need to let go of so I can live the new life He is forming in me?

Scraping Ice

Sometimes clarity starts with doing the things I don’t want to do.

We can’t allow ourselves to get tired of living the right way. Galatians 6:9

One of my “favorite“ things to do in the winter is scraping the ice off the windshield of my car every morning. I say that tongue in cheek because it is one of my least favorite things. I stand there in the cold, hands hurting, clothes getting wet and wishing the ice would magically just disappear. I am a hot weather person and I would take a hot sunny day over a cold day every single day and twice on Sunday. If I was to say I hate cold weather I don’t think that would be too strong a word. As I was begrudgingly clearing my windows of this loathsome task, I started thinking about other things in my life that I don’t like to do, but I do them anyway. It is frustrating, inconvenient, and uncomfortable… but the payoff is greater than the pain. In this case the windshield clears. My day moves forward. The discomfort has a purpose and eventually passes.

I started thinking about how recovery has been the same way. There were things I didn’t want to face, and for years I avoided them. I pretended they weren’t there, hoping they would melt on their own. My sponsor once told me that in order to recover I needed “face everything and recover.” That was his acronym for fear, and apparently I had a lot of it and didn’t see it in myself. I didn’t like it, but I needed it. I have learned that the only way out is through. I couldn’t run, hide, ignore, or avoid anymore. I had to face the decisions, the conversations, the truths, the parts of myself I didn’t want to see. Moment by moment and a little bit at a time.

Today I’m grateful because, by working the steps, I can now confront those things that I avoided and ran from before. I am learning how to face the challenges in front of me one by one. I try to focus on doing what’s right for today, and trust that God will handle the outcomes. This allows me to take in grace with each breath and let out fear with each exhale. And little by little, I am seeing things more clearly.

Prayer: Father, thank You for helping me face the things I would rather avoid. Give me the strength to keep doing what is right even when it feels uncomfortable. Help me trust that each step forward matters and that You are clearing my view as I keep moving. Amen.

Doing His Job

Trusting the One who sees the road.

So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together for good… Romans 8:28

I read a post on social media where someone was upset about driving on the highway behind a highway patrol officer. The officer was going about five miles over the speed limit for thirty or forty miles, and all the traffic moved at his pace. What bothered the person was not that traffic was crawling, but that it was not moving fast enough for their liking. The officer was criticized for being unreasonable and inconsiderate. What stood out to me was that the officer was doing exactly what his job required. Highway patrol is literally in the name. He was hired to manage traffic, keep it flowing safely, and look out for the public’s best interest, whether it was appreciated or not.

At first, I thought the complaint sounded unrealistic. The officer was already above the speed limit and clearly focused on safety and flow. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw myself. I get frustrated when things do not move at the pace I expect. I want answers, progress, healing, or change to happen faster. When they do not, I question the process. Sometimes I question God. Why are You not going faster? Why does this feel stalled? Why am I still here? Just like the driver on the highway, I focus on my urgency instead of the bigger picture unfolding in front of me.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that God is doing His job too. He is not passive or absent. He is guiding, protecting, and keeping things moving in ways I may not recognize in the moment. Just because I do not like the pace does not mean nothing is happening. It does not mean I am not moving, growing, or making progress. Acceptance, for me, is trusting that God sees the whole road when I only see my lane. He sees what lies ahead, what I cannot yet see. It means trusting that He is working things out for my good, even when progress feels slower than I want. When I let go of my expectations for how fast life should move, I begin to notice that His peace is already here, right where I am. I am still moving forward, still growing, even when it does not feel like it.

Prayer
God, thank You for continually looking out for my best interest and leading me. Help me accept and understand that Your pace is keeping me safe. Give me Your peace and grace to trust that You are guiding me, even when I am not aware. Thank You for working things out for my good. Amen.

Plan And Adjust

My plan was not the only plan.

Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23

My wife and I were going to take a vacation trip up the coast. I had everything planned out, the place and time we would pick up the rental car, where and when we would stop for lunch, what time we would arrive at our destination and check into our room, and when and where we would have dinner. I had it ALL planned out. It was going to be an amazing trip. I compared prices and found the best deal for renting our car. I was going to save $60 by renting from the rental place at the airport. Except when we went to pick up our rental car at the airport, I realized that the only place to leave our car was the parking lot at the airport, and it would cost me $12 a day to leave our car there. I was so upset and embarrassed. Paying that much for parking would end up costing me more for our rental car than if I had rented from another place. I could not shake my thinking. I was angry, embarrassed, upset, frustrated, anxious. I could not realize a solution to this dilemma. I had angrily resigned myself to the fact that I now had to pay the extra money to rent this car or go all the way across town to another rental car place, which would totally throw me off schedule.

Then my wife made a simple suggestion. “Why don’t we just pick up this rental car and drop off our car at our house? We live only a few minutes away.” I could not believe it. What a great idea. Suddenly I was aware that there was another option than what I had predetermined. And this option brought peace with it. Anger, embarrassment, and frustration all disappeared, and humbleness surfaced as I became willing to embrace a new idea that was not my own.

I decided to attempt to embrace this non-rigid thinking and apply it to our entire trip. And the result was that it turned out to be one of the very best trips we have ever had. It was so much fun. I decided to plan but also be flexible and adjust in the moment. Many times during our trip I encountered things that were not part of my plan. As I was open to adjusting to each situation, I found it easier the next time. Eventually my plan evolved into not having a rigid plan for everything. What a release of pressure and infusion of peace. Now I try to embrace this thinking in all areas of my life, have a plan but also be willing to adjust to changes.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for showing me that flexibility brings peace. Help me to plan with wisdom but also to remain open to change, trusting that Your Spirit will guide me. Amen.

Willingness and Goodwill

How God prepared my heart long before I was willing.

The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Psalm 37:23

After leaving the ministry, I struggled to find a job in a way I never had before. I was depressed and it showed. One friend told me he knew who I was and what I was capable of, but he would never hire me because I was such a downer. That hurt, but it was true. I needed to pick myself up. At first, I did it outwardly, not because I felt better, but because I needed to function. Eventually, I was hired as a manager with Goodwill Industries. I had no idea what I would really be doing there or the impact it would have on me and my perspective. Looking back, I can see now that God was leading me toward healing and wholeness, even though I was not aware of it at the time.

Working at Goodwill changed me in ways I did not expect. I worked with people who were disadvantaged or disabled, many of whom were learning very basic life and work skills. Things like setting an alarm clock, showing up on time, and being ready to work mattered more than resumes or ambition. As I walked alongside them, something began to shift in me. I was no longer as dogmatic or critical toward those I once viewed as less fortunate. I started seeing them as equals. It does not please me to admit this, but it is the truth, and my healing and recovery depend on me being honest. I began to accept and listen to others. I became willing to consider possibilities I had never allowed before. I met and became friends with people whose beliefs were completely opposite of mine, yet I discovered we often valued the same things, just for very different reasons. I became aware of my tendency to prejudge people and made a conscious effort to stop. Over time, I broke free from the suffocating grip of being judgmental. I thought God gave me that job so I could help others, but I can see now that God placed me there so others could help me. God used them to transform me.

What I could not see then was how much that season was preparing me. At the time, I had completely rejected recovery. I openly refuted it and even spoke against it in my teachings and sermons. I was certain it was unnecessary. And yet, I was working every day with people who were in recovery, watching them learn basic skills, rebuild their lives, and move forward in practical ways. Somehow, I overlooked that. I did not connect the dots. I can see now that God was placing me close enough to recovery to witness its fruit, but not yet willing to accept it for myself. That season softened me. It humbled me. It slowed me down. It did not change everything, and it did not lead me straight into recovery. But it created a crack. The hardness around my heart and the walls around my thinking began to weaken. Nearly ten years later, when I finally hit my bottom, I was no longer as closed as I once had been. God had been preparing me long before I was willing to admit I needed help.

Prayer
Father, thank You for leading me patiently, even when I could not recognize it at the time. Thank You for using ordinary work and ordinary people to soften my heart and reshape my thinking. Help me trust that You are still guiding me, one step at a time, even when I do not yet understand where You are leading. Amen.

Resenting the Weather

Letting go of expectations I can’t control

Make sure that no bitterness grows in you to cause trouble, which disturbs many people.
Hebrews 12:15

I do yard sales to supplement my income. It’s one of the ways I try to make ends meet. I buy liquidated merchandise and sell mostly online, but a couple times a month I open the garage doors and have a sale. Everything is on shelves and labeled and organized. Now that it’s set up, it’s fairly easy to manage.

One thing I’ve learned though is that for a yard sale to be successful, the weather has to cooperate. If it’s too hot, people don’t want to come out. If it’s too cold, most stay home except for the diehards. Wind or rain? Forget it. That’s a deal breaker. So good weather is essential, and for me that means seventy to eighty degrees, no wind, and clear skies. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no control over the weather. None whatsoever. And that frustrates the heck out of me, especially because it always seems like the times when the weather is bad are the times when I need the extra income the most. Before I know it, I get resentful. I’m irritated by the rain, agitated by the wind, and I can’t stand the cold. I catch myself getting offended by things that I don’t like anyway.

In my recovery, I’ve learned that when I catch myself getting angry over something completely out of my control, I need to stop and ask myself why it bothers me. The answer usually isn’t complicated. In this case, I’m upset because I can’t control the weather. That’s how resentment works. Most resentments, past and present, come from unrealistic expectations. I’ve heard it said that unrealistic expectations are future resentments, and I have found that to be true in my life every time.

My solution starts with slowing down and naming what I’m actually feeling: frustration, anger, powerlessness. Then I write about it. I ask and answer the questions I need to face. Why does this bother me? Why does this situation make me feel powerless? When I do that, I can usually identify my part. More often than not, it connects back to something inside me that feels not good enough. That is my core issue. Writing helps me see what I can and cannot control. It helps me ask better questions, like whether this is something I can change or something I need to accept. From there, I can choose a healthier response. That’s where resentment begins to loosen its grip, and that’s where quiet healing and freedom start to take root. When I follow this process in a timely way, I don’t end up owing anyone an amends. That isn’t just success. That is growth, and I’m deeply grateful for what these principles have brought into my life.

Prayer

God, help me recognize when I am holding unrealistic expectations. Keep me from letting them turn into resentments. Help me see the good in things when I feel frustrated or upset. Give me the willingness to release things to You instead of trying to control them. Show me my part more quickly, and give me the willingness to respond differently. Thank You, Lord, for the changes You are making in me. I am grateful for the growth that comes when I apply these principles in my life. Amen.

Small Town America

Doing what’s right, even when there is no crisis.

We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. Hebrews 2:1

I love small town America where I now live. Life moves at a slower pace, and I’m grateful for that. But along with calmer surroundings, there are also fewer recovery meetings. When I lived in a more urban area, a thirty- or forty-minute drive to a meeting didn’t seem unusual; it was part of life and you just got used to it. Now out in a rural area, that same thirty-minute drive through the desert feels more like a whole ordeal. Yet in reality, on the clock it’s the exact same amount of time. The only difference is my perspective has changed. That’s how recovery works too. It’s all about perspective.

When I start to think that going to a meeting is too far away or is inconvenient, I ask myself one question: How important is it? The answer usually brings everything back into focus. There may only be one meeting each week in this area, but it’s there and I can go. I’ve learned that I need meetings not just when I’m struggling, but when life feels stable and comfortable. Those are the times when complacency can creep in, and I can get squirrely real fast. I remember how desperate I was in the beginning. I didn’t care when or where the meeting was; I went because I needed help. The only thing that’s different is now I am not in crisis.

I was talking about this with my sponsor, and he mentioned that he attends online meetings several times a week. I knew there were online meetings, but quite honestly, I had forgotten about them. His reminder got me curious, so I attended one. I liked it and got a lot out of it, so I went to another. It has been such a blessing. There are online meetings happening around the clock. So even in a rural area like where I live, I can now find a meeting almost any time of day. And I do several each week. It reminded me that staying connected often starts with remembering what’s already available.

I remember what the old timers told me in the beginning. They said, “Don’t ever forget, you need to dance with the one that brought you.” I can easily drift off course if I stop doing the things that I did in the beginning that eased the pain and helped me start to get my mind straight. There will always be reasons why I may want to miss a meeting, work, family, being tired, or thinking I’m “all better now.” But when I keep doing what I know is right, I stay connected to God and to others. I am realizing that knowing the right thing to do isn’t enough if I stop doing it. Scripture warns how easy it is for me to drift off course when my attention fades, and recovery has proven that to be true for me more than once. How important is my recovery? My recovery, like my faith, depends on consistency, not convenience. When I remember that, my viewpoint shifts again, back into alignment, and peace returns.

Prayer:
Father, I am grateful that You keep opening my eyes to things I never saw before. I am glad that I do have meetings I can go to. Help me keep doing what I know is right, and give me the discipline to continue even when I don’t feel like it. Amen.

I Am My Own Qualifier

I stopped explaining myself and started owning my part.

We always think we are right, until the Lord shows us our motives. Proverbs 16:2

I went to my first recovery meeting not because of alcoholism in my own life, or in the life of someone close to me, but because I read an article that said 12 Step recovery programs offer a solution for people who are controlling and manipulative. I was looking for a solution because I had just read a comment about myself on an internet message board that said I was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. That stopped me cold. I immediately pushed back. I was not abusive. And yet, those words quietly began to churn inside me. I could not shake the feeling that they might be true. My first instinct was to fix it. I am a fixer. That is what I do. I thought I could just fix this too. I grew up in an abusive home, and I was determined never to repeat that. I had never raised my hand or my voice. I had never threatened anyone. I never even thought of hurting anyone, EVER. I did not see myself as abusive at all.

It was not until I started working my Fourth Step inventory that the truth began to surface, and it was something I could no longer avoid. The only reason I ever found that message board in the first place was because I had been snooping through the browsing history on our family computer. I told myself I was just trying to understand what was going on, trying to make sense of why my family was falling apart. But as I continued working through my inventory, the truth was impossible to ignore, and I had to admit what it really was. That was manipulation. That was control. Once I saw myself actually doing the things that the message board described, I was embarrassed. I wanted to believe no one else could see it, but the truth was everyone knew long before I did.

When I finally walked into that first meeting, something unexpected happened. I realized I belonged. I qualified, not just because of my family of origin and their lifelong struggle with alcoholism and addiction, but because of my own behaviors. The fixing. The controlling. The managing. The way I tried to change everyone else while ignoring myself. Suddenly, all the times friends and coworkers had gently suggested I consider recovery meetings made sense. They were not criticizing me. They were recognizing patterns they had already faced in their own lives and were trying to carry the message to me. I am grateful I finally embraced it. Through working the steps, I began to take responsibility for my actions and for how they showed up in my relationships. I respect other people’s personal space now. I no longer snoop or invade privacy. I accept that others hold opinions different from mine without needing to challenge, correct, or control them. I no longer feel responsible to fix everyone. I still catch myself slipping into old patterns at times, but today I recognize it sooner, take responsibility for it, and turn it over to God. I do not have to be obsessed with the outcome anymore.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for revealing to me the truth I could not see on my own. I want to be responsible for my actions. Help me remain teachable and open to change. When I feel the urge to control or fix others, remind me to pause, release it to You, and trust You with the outcome. Amen.

My Conscious Contact With God

Conscious Contact: Choosing connection over perfection

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I was sitting in a meeting, and like we always do, we read through the Twelve Steps at the beginning. I have heard them hundreds, maybe thousands of times. But this time, Step Eleven landed differently. The wording stood out to me in a way it never had before. This statement seems so simple, but it is profound and powerful. I was also very thankful that this is Step Eleven and not Step One. I would not have been able to do this at the beginning. I did not have the honesty, the humility, or the willingness yet. But now, at this stage, I can see it more clearly. If I could have lived Step Eleven from the start, I would have. I tried but I could not. I did not know how and I was not ready yet.

What stood out most to me was the simplicity of what this step is really asking. I am not praying for outcomes, control, or relief from discomfort. I am seeking God, asking only for the knowledge of His will for me and asking for the power to carry it out. That means I am learning how to be a better person, how to have peace, and how to respond instead of react. It means asking God to do for me what I cannot do for myself. Asking Him to reveal to me what I do not see and what I do not yet know. To give me strength where I am weak. Sometimes that comes as insight, inspiration, correction, or simply a nudge to change something I have been avoiding. This is not about perfection. It is about direction. It is about connection. It is a lifelong pursuit of peace, experienced both in the temporal and the eternal. It doesn’t get any simpler. And it doesn’t get any better than that.

Step Eleven is placed exactly where it belongs. After I have worked through the other steps, honesty, humility, surrender, responsibility, and service begin to manifest in me. As I let go of resentment, hurt, and pain, I realize that I am worthy of accepting and giving love. Then I am clear and free to seek God and try to carry this message to others. I cannot give away something I am not living. I cannot carry a message if I am not seeking God myself. As I seek Him, I experience peace, healing, and freedom, just as promised in the recovery solution. And then I am equipped to share a real lived message with others. Not theory. Not advice. Experience.

Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. Psalm 25:4–5

When I Lost My Cool

Seeing my part, owning it, and releasing the rest

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. James 1:19–20

Today was not my finest hour. I had an epic fail in my recovery walk. I told one of my employees to shush and slammed my hand down on the desk. I am not proud of how I behaved. There was an upset client who was not able to pay his bill, and I was asked to come and help with the situation. From the moment I stepped in, everything was loud and unmanageable. I began to diffuse the situation. I wanted to calm the client down and get him the help he needed to pay his bill. The employee who asked me to help stood behind me, constantly talking over my shoulder to the client I was helping. Then the client got on the phone with his financial lender. He was an older gentleman. He put his phone on speakerphone so I “could hear.” His call, however, was answered by an AI. He thought he was speaking to a real person. He did not realize it was AI. When the AI was not responding to his request, he got more upset. On top of that, the AI kept repeating its questions for him to answer. At the end of his rope, the client started to get even louder because he thought the AI could not hear or understand him. I tried to explain that he was talking to an automated system and suggested asking for an operator or agent. He got furious and slammed his phone down on the counter and walked out, leaving his phone behind on the counter, still on speaker, and the AI still asking, Are you still there? Each time it did, my employee kept yelling YES! over the top of me so the AI could hear her. This happened again and again, many times.

After several minutes, the man came back in. I was still trying to calm him down and at the same time help him get his bill paid. He was not the only client there who needed help, so all of this drama had an eager and willing audience. Each time the client asked me a question, while I was answering, my employee would raise her voice to answer too, talking over me. The whole time, the AI was still on speaker and still asking, Are you still there? and my employee was still shouting YES! each time. All of this noise just made things worse and the client even more frustrated. Now, as I think about it, it was actually quite humorous. You could not make this stuff up. Finally, I turned around to my employee, slammed my hand down on the desk, and said, “Shush!!” I said, “You called me here to handle this. Let me handle it and stop talking over me.” Once she quieted, I was able to get the client calmed down. I was able to resolve the situation with his bill, and he left peacefully, but the way I handled myself did not sit right with me.

I knew I had work to do. The employee’s bad behavior did not justify or excuse mine. Recovery has taught me that I need to figure out what my part was and make amends for it, which I did. Once things quieted down, I went to my employee and apologized for saying shush. She said, “And slamming your hand on the desk too?” I said, “Yes, and for slamming my hand on the desk too. I apologize for both. That was not necessary and out of line.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but even in my amends I still left something out. But I did correct it in the moment. And I did resist the urge to defend my actions or explain anymore. I refused to jump into more chaos when this employee tried to defend her actions and pull me back into it. I simply said, “I just wanted to apologize for how I behaved,” and left it at that. I’m still a work in progress. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did do it. I made things right where I could, and let the rest go, giving it over to God.

Reflection

Where am I tempted to defend myself instead of owning my actions?

Being Present Without Guilt

Learning to enjoy where my feet are.

Recovery has taught me that I don’t have to justify every moment or fix myself before I can enjoy what’s right in front of me. Sometimes the simplest thing is just being present.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:12

We have a few simple traditions during the Christmas season. One of them is driving around town and looking at the Christmas lights and decorations on the houses. There are a few neighborhoods that really go all out. They have lots and lots of lights. Some are synchronized to music, with cutouts and blow ups of all the characters. Some nights Santa is out there handing out candy canes. It’s a lot of fun. We make hot cocoa and pour it into our cups, and sometimes, if we have a few extra dollars, we stop by a local place and pick one up. We play Christmas music on the radio and sing along. We have a really good time as a family. No electronic devices. No distractions. No competing voices. Just us hanging out together doing one simple thing, and it is beautiful. It is absolutely one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. True confession, we do it several times and always one last time on Christmas Eve.

For a long time, I was not able to enjoy simple moments like that. In recovery, it is easy for me to stay focused on my faults, my shortcomings, and my character defects. I have a tendency to live in fourth step mode, always taking inventory, always looking for what needs to be fixed. One of the blessings of completing my inventory and continuing through the rest of the steps was learning to see the good things in life and the good things about me. That was not easy. It took my sponsor prompting me to even try. But somewhere along the way, as I stopped defining myself only by what was broken, I was able to see some good things about myself. This in turn also made it possible to see the good in others and in simple moments without guilt getting in the way. I also stopped feeling like these simple things were unimportant. They didn’t have to have a purpose, and they didn’t have to be earned. I could just be there.

Before recovery, guilt and the feeling of never being enough followed me everywhere, even into special moments with my family. Those feelings leaked out of me and I quietly spoiled what should have been joyful times. Today, I am able to enjoy the little things without overthinking them. I can think about our simple traditions and feel grateful instead of distracted by what I think is wrong with me or what I should be doing instead. I am not trying to fix myself or prove anything in those moments. I am just there with my family, present for what is happening, and that is something I never want to take for granted. It really is that simple. Being present without an agenda or a purpose feels liberating to me. It makes me feel whole, like I have finally grown up.

Prayer
Father, thank You for teaching me how to be present in the moment. Thank You for showing me that I can enjoy simple things without an agenda, just because. Help me continue to live in the moment and appreciate the ordinary. Teach me to show up fully, with an open heart, and to enjoy the good You place in front of me today. Amen.