Wherever I Go, There I Am

New thinking. New life

I am not stuck with my old thinking forever. When I change my thinking, my life begins to change too.

Let God change you inside by giving you a new way of thinking. Then you will know what God wants you to do. And you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Romans 12:2

I used to automatically do things because that was how I had always done them. Even when something inside me said, don’t do this, it’s not right, I would speak back to myself and say, I made my mind up. I can’t change it without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Once I decided something, I believed I had to follow through no matter what the consequences were. It was like I was stuck and could not break free. There were no alternatives. I had made up my mind and that was that. My thinking. I cannot escape from my own thinking. It goes with me everywhere. Wherever I go, there I am.

Looking back now, I can see that this is one of the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home and developing the sick thinking that I have. Certain reactions became automatic. Certain ways of handling things just felt normal to me. Even when those ways were not healthy. So what are my options? Do I even have any? Or am I doomed in life to keep repeating the same cycle of sickness forever? Do I have to keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same disappointing results? Never changing. Somehow, deep inside, I sort of always knew there were other options. I saw my friends’ and classmates’ families. I visited their homes. Their family situations seemed much different. They behaved much different too. As I grew older, I would occasionally have an awareness that there might be other options available to me, but I had no knowledge or experience of how to realize that change. What do I do? How do I do whatever it is that needs to be done? And do I have the courage to take action and follow through once I find out? That is where recovery comes in.

I was speaking with my sponsor about this and that’s when I had the aha moment. Before recovery I seemed unable to change my mind. Once I made my mind up about something I believed I had to do it. But since joining recovery and working the steps, my thinking has gradually begun to change. I realized that I am not a victim any longer. I may have been a victim growing up as a child, but I am no longer a child. I am no longer living in that home with my family of origin. I do have choices now. I can change my mind if I want to and whenever I want to. I am no longer trapped believing I must do something simply because I decided it before. I can change my mind and not feel guilty for it. I don’t know why I felt guilt for it either, but I did. But no longer. Changing my mind does not mean I did something wrong.

By working the steps with my sponsor, my thinking is constantly changing. When my thinking changes, then my behaviors change. When my behaviors change, then my life changes too. The great news is that now I can change my mind whenever I want. It’s my mind for heaven’s sake. That brings me hope and so much optimism for the future. I now have peace and happiness that stays with me. If I feel them start to drift, I just change my thinking and my feelings begin to change with it. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me that my thinking can change. Help me recognize when old patterns try to return. Teach me to keep surrendering my thoughts to You so that my life can continue to change. Amen.

I Had To Ask

Humility Opens the Door to Help

Knowing I needed help was not enough. Healing began when I became willing to ask for it.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen. James 5:16

I was sharing with someone this week about my experience when I first entered recovery and was wanting a sponsor. I remember I kept wondering and couldn’t figure out why no one asked me if they could sponsor me. It was a beginner’s meeting, and I was a beginner. I was surrounded by people who clearly understood why I was there and what I was going through. The rooms were full of experience, strength, and hope. I had opened up in meetings and shared my story and the reason I was there, so people knew I needed help. But week after week went by and no one asked me if they could sponsor me. I could not figure it out. It took me a few weeks, but I finally realized that although I needed help, I had to ask for it. I had not asked.

Asking for help is a requirement. It is not optional. It is not a weakness either. It is actually a strength. And it is a basic principle of the program. For so long before recovery I was never humble enough to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed and wanted help, I could not bring myself to ask. My pride was holding me back. Fear of rejection was a major reason. It felt safer to struggle quietly than to risk hearing no.

In recovery I began to learn something different. Asking for help is not a weakness. It is a strength and a basic principle of the program. Recovery is not for those who need it. Every person I have met needs it. Recovery is for those who want it and are willing to humble themselves and ask for help.

Once I finally asked, something changed in me. That first time was so very hard. But when I did, help immediately came. It was just what I needed too. Everything else after that seemed to get easier as well. It was like a light switch got flipped on in my thinking. It had been there the whole time but had been off with a “Do not touch” sign on it. I had already asked for help once and I got it. So I thought, maybe it could happen again? I did. And it did. Now I know I can flip that switch whenever I need to. The help and the experience of others had been there all along. The availability of help was never a problem. My willingness to reach for it was.

Recovery keeps reminding me that I was never meant to carry life alone. Learning to humble myself and ask for help has been one of the ways God has guided me toward healing. That willingness to reach out is part of the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me that I do not have to carry life alone. Help me stay humble to ask for help when I need it. Help me surrender my pride and my fear, and teach me to trust the people You place in my life. Thank You for the healing that comes when I reach out. Amen.

Recognizing God’s Guidance

Sometimes God’s guidance does not come the way I expect. He often speaks to me through step work, and other people.

The Lord says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

I was recently doing step work and answering the question, “Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?” My immediate answer was yes. But when I slowed down and thought about it more, I realized something deeper. For me, I saw a hidden question. It was not whether I believed in spiritual guidance. It was: How do I actually recognize and know when it happens? The interesting thing is that believing in God was never the issue for me. I already believed in God before coming to recovery. I had believed in Him for most of my life. In fact, before coming to recovery I had spent many years serving in churches and even became an ordained minister. I would have said that I had a real relationship with God.

Before recovery, I mostly expected God’s guidance to show up in religious spiritual ways. I thought that through prayer and reading my Bible I would have some deep spiritual experience. What I did not recognize was that He was already trying to guide me in other ways. He was guiding me through other people, through circumstances, and even through uncomfortable truths about myself. I just was not listening. My pride and my own understanding often got in the way. It was not until I became humble and willing to walk into a recovery room that things began to shift. I had to honestly admit that I did not have all the answers. That willingness to listen was the first place I began to recognize God’s guidance in my life.

Recovery gave me practical tools that helped me hear His guidance more clearly. Today I see God working through things like meetings, literature, step work, and conversations with other people in the program. When I attend a meeting and hear someone share something that speaks to me, I recognize that as guidance. When I read recovery literature and I think, “That’s me, I do that.” I know God is teaching me something. When I sit down and do honest step work and ask myself what my part is and what I need to change, the things I write down bring clarity. That is another way I experience spiritual guidance.

One of the biggest surprises to me in recovery is how often God speaks through other people. Sometimes it is my sponsor offering a suggestion I did not want to hear. Sometimes it is something simple that someone shares in a meeting. Sometimes it is a quiet moment during prayer when a new thought comes to mind about how I could do things differently. I have learned that if I stay humble and willing, God can speak to me through anyone. Recovery did not replace my faith. It helped me experience God in a much more practical way. The Steps and principles of recovery became a “here’s how you do it manual” for living happy, joyous, and free. They help me apply the spiritual principles I had believed in for years to my real situations. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, thank You for guiding me even when I wasn’t aware of it. Help me stay humble and willing to listen. Teach me to hear Your voice and recognize when You are guiding me. Thank You for leading me one step at a time. Amen.

The Leading Role

Stepping Into My Own Life

Recovery helps me move from watching life happen to actually living it.

What helped you step forward instead of staying on the sidelines?

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came to give life—life in all its fullness.
John 10:10

I was watching the movie The Holiday, and one scene really stood out to me. There’s a moment where a woman named Iris finally hears the truth she’s been starving for. She has spent years attached to someone who never chooses her, surviving on just enough attention to keep her hooked but never enough for a real relationship. She keeps diminishing herself and settling for less, convinced she somehow deserved her fate and was not worthy of real love. One day she opens up about it to an older man she has befriended, Arthur, a retired screenwriter. After listening to her story, he says something simple but profoundly powerful: “In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You’re a leading lady, but for some reason you’re behaving like the best friend.” The words hit unexpectedly. As it sinks in, she says out loud, “I ought to be the leading lady of my own life.” Arthur was not criticizing her. He was helping her see something she had been blind to. She had been living like a side character in her own story, letting someone else’s choices define her worth and value. It is really a moment about identity. It is about waking up to the truth that you matter.

That line stayed with me. I realized I had faced something similar, something I never saw before recovery. Was I living like a background character in my own life? I asked myself, How often have I been the audience instead of the participant? How often have I stood by like a bystander and simply let life happen around me? Before recovery those kinds of questions would never have crossed my mind. I simply reacted to life, often stuck in old patterns of thinking that kept me passive, discouraged, or disconnected. I reacted. I survived. I managed chaos. I tried to earn love and avoid pain. Somewhere along the way I learned to stay small. I stopped expecting much. Most of the time I assumed the worst before anything even happened. I spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else while ignoring my own feelings and needs. Looking back now, I can see how easily I let other people’s choices define how I felt about myself. I did not even realize I was doing it. But God did not create me to live in the shadows of my own life.

Recovery has given me something I did not have before. It has given me awareness. It helps me slow down and look honestly at what is really happening instead of what I tell myself is happening. I am learning to respond differently now. Little by little, recovery is helping me step into my own life instead of standing on the sidelines watching it pass by. For a long time I lived as if life was happening around me instead of something I was meant to live. But my life was never meant to be lived by someone else. It is my life. And with God’s help I am learning to live it.

Prayer

Father, help me live my life fully. Show me where I draw back. Give me the courage to step forward into the life You have for me. Thank You. Amen.

Asking Instead of Assuming

Clearing the Air

Fear tries to fill in the blanks when things are uncertain. My recovery tools help me slow down and face things directly.

He who gives an answer before he hears, it is foolish and a cause of shame to him. Proverbs 18:13

Last week my boss had a meeting with two department heads who report to me. I was not invited to the meeting, and that hurt my feelings. The meeting was about bringing on a new doctor, which normally falls under my responsibility. When I heard about it, I felt upset and a little afraid. I started wondering if there was a reason I was not included. After the meeting my boss told me everything they had discussed, but it still bothered me. That is when I had the thought, I have recovery tools now. I wonder which recovery principle or tool could help me with this situation? I paused and thought about my options.

In the past I would’ve just gone on and not asked why I wasn’t included. I would’ve continued as everything was normal, all the while wondering why and holding resentment. This time, I decided to ask why I wasn’t invited to the meeting. There could be a perfectly valid reason that had nothing to do with me. At the same time, my mind quickly jumped to fear. What if I’m being replaced? What if they no longer need me? That threatens my security. It hits deeper. It triggered my core defect of feeling I’m not good enough. When that shows up, I know that this is about me and not what’s happening. So, I did what I learned in recovery. I prayed about it and wrote about it. I asked God for guidance. What became clear was that I struggle with uncertainty. It is the worst for me. When things are left hanging in the air, my mind will fill in the blanks, usually with fear. The tools of recovery give me a practical way to approach this. The solution was to simply ask the question.

Recovery has taught me that I can ask a question without being accusatory, without sarcasm, and without putting anyone else down. A simple inquiry. And then, be willing to accept the response without being defensive. I resisted the urge to ask the department heads their opinion, so as not to cause division or gossip. I asked my boss simply, calmly and directly, why I wasn’t included in the meeting. I was told that it was not meant to exclude me. That is why I was informed afterward about everything that was covered. But because they had spent more time talking about medical procedures, it didn’t pertain to me. I still didn’t like that I was not included, but I understood and I felt like I handled it not just professionally, but in a healthier way than I would have before.

Before recovery, I would never have asked why I wasn’t included. I would have let that cloud of uncertainty hang over my head indefinitely. I am grateful for my recovery. It helps me address things directly instead of letting them continually spin in my mind. I feel like I fit into the world and I can move forward. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the recovery tools You have given me. Help me to slow down and not give in to fear. Help me to seek You for guidance. Give me courage to address things that I used to avoid and the wisdom to know how to do it. Thank You for helping me grow and learn healthier ways to live. Amen.

Fixing Me, Not Him

Seeing My Part

Peace came when I stopped trying to fix him and started letting God work on me.

O God, let the secrets of my heart be uncovered, and let my wandering thoughts be tested:
See if there is any way of sorrow in me, and be my guide in the eternal way. Psalm 139:23–24

My youngest daughter plays softball and she really enjoys it. Last year I volunteered to help coach her team. It was a great season. This year I signed her up and volunteered to help coach again. When I showed up for the assessments, I was informed that I was the manager. I told them I could not make that commitment due to my work schedule. So another volunteer and I agreed to co-manage and co-coach the team. Except his name was listed as the manager. It didn’t bother me at the time. We had worked together before.

Over the weekend there was a coach’s meeting which he attended. He didn’t inform me about it either. There have been other communications that he has received about the team that he has not shared with me. At our last practice, I suggested to him that we get together over coffee and discuss our game plan etc. He seemed uninterested and I felt dismissed. I was hurt that he didn’t accept my invitation, and there has been no direct communication from him. I was not only hurt but I started to get angry. I started questioning why I didn’t accept the manager’s position in the first place. Why did I defer?

This was still bothering the next morning. When things bother me or upset me now, I have tools to use to get me through it. So, I decided to apply my recovery principles and write about it. I asked myself, Why was I hurt? Why was I upset? As I sat with it for a bit, I realized I felt out of control. I felt powerless. I felt unwanted and not important. There it is. My character defect of feeling not good enough was staring at me and mocking me. When I saw it was my issue being triggered, I knew I had to surrender this to God and let it go. My character defects do not just go away. They are still present with me today. The difference is that I am not as bothered by them as I used to be. They don’t take up camp and stay with me as long anymore. I am able to spot them much sooner than I used to. I am no longer in denial about my defects or that I have a part to play. Things were not done to me, they were just done. I am the one who was hurt.

After I wrote about it and saw my part, I knew I had something to do. I told God about my hurts and how I felt. I asked for His guidance and wisdom in dealing with the situation. I felt the hurt leave and peace fill my mind. At the same time, my anger began to fade. I had a couple of new thoughts come into my mind and I followed them. I chose to focus on fixing me and not him. When I focus on changing me, it keeps resentment from developing later. I contacted this person, met with him, and asked him to share the information with me. I asked what he needed from me, and I shared what I needed from him as well. I resisted the urge to tell him how wrong I thought he was. I did not challenge his leadership. We shared as friends, and it was a very good meeting. I think we grew closer. I am glad that I followed the ideas that came to me in prayer. It was God leading me and guiding me. That is the gift of recovery for me today.

Prayer

Father, thank You for helping me notice when old hurts rise up. Remind me to slow down and bring them to You. Help me always see my part and surrender it to You. Thank You for the peace You give me when I follow You. Amen.

THE ROLE OF OUR CONSCIENCE

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

OUR BORN-AGAIN CONSCIENCE

the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17

The world CANNOT receive the Holy Spirit! We the believers CAN and DO. This is an extremely important key. Holy Spirit is for believers, NOT THE WORLD. The world CANNOT receive Holy Spirit.

⁷ Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. ⁸ And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: ⁹ of sin, because they do not believe in Me; ¹⁰ of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; ¹¹ of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. ¹² I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. ¹³ However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. John 16:7-13

Holy Spirit does not convict believers of sin. He convicts the world of sin. This may be news to you. The world cannot receive Holy Spirit, only believers can, that is why He convicts them (the world) of sin, because they do not believe in Jesus. We do believe in Jesus, so we have Holy Spirit inside of us. I am aware that there are many in the church today who believe that Holy Spirit does convict believers of sin. But you will not find support for this thought and belief in the Bible. It is a religious tradition and man-made theology. I am not saying this in a judgmental way, but to remove guilt from your thinking. This teaching will hinder you in hearing from God because you will view the Holy Spirit differently and some even become afraid. The believer need not be afraid of Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit is our Guide. He guides us. There is a difference.

I am not saying that believers are not convicted of wrongdoing. Believers are. It is just, that it is not Holy Spirit who is convicting believers. It’s our born-again conscience that convicts us. The Bible says that our own conscience convicts us of sin. If our conscience is soft and tender toward God and we are willing to listen and obey. Obey means to do what He asks. Once we accept this concept, it opens the door for us to trust and have confidence in our own born-again conscience. Remember the Bible tells us that He gives us a new heart and a new spirit. The old heart is taken away. The old man died with Christ. Once we are in Christ, we are one with Him. He has filled us with the fullness of His Spirit. He leads us by His Spirit that resides inside our spirit. Our spirit and His Spirit are one. (1 Corinthians 6:17). Because our spirit is one with His spirit, we can now trust that our spirit is safe to listen to and follow. Christ takes up residency inside of the believer by His Spirit, or Holy Spirit. We know that God does not dwell in sin, this is why the person must be born again. If Holy Spirit entered a non-born-again spirit, they would be destroyed. Jesus explains this principle to us in the analogy of the wineskins. He said you cannot put new wine in old wineskins, or both will be destroyed, but new wine must be put in new wineskins and then both will be preserved. (Luke 5:37-38). This analogy is referring to us needing to have a new spirit, being born again, born of the spirit (John 3:6) so that we can receive God’s spirit (New Wine) into our spirit (Wineskin). Since we have a brand new born-again spirit that comes from God and He has filled it with His Spirit, then suffice it to say, we can trust what our spirit is telling us. The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord.

Proverbs 20:27
The spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord, Searching all the inner depths of his heart.

This verse explains to us that God speaks to us, leads us, and guides us by illuminating our spirit.

Let’s look at some examples of the conscience convicting people from the scriptures.

Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. John 8:9

Notice how these individuals were convicted. They were convicted by their own conscience. And they left one by one. They were not convicted by Holy Spirit.

Then Paul, looking earnestly at the council, said, “Men and brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day.” Acts 23:1

Paul’s defense was that he lived in all good conscience. Why was this his defense? Paul was very well educated in the Scriptures and the Law. And there was no rebuttal to his defense. None! I can’t help but ask “Why?”. I think it is because they all knew that it was their own conscience that convicted them.

This being so, I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men. Acts 24:16

Here again, Paul is describing how his conscience was pure before God. We know that Paul had killed Christians before his conversion. And he also admitted that he was chief of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). Even though Paul was a chief sinner in the Law before coming to Christ, his born-again conscience, in Christ could now be trusted. He was now innocent and righteous through Christ.

who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them) Romans 2:15

Our own conscience will bear witness with us. This is another way of saying confirmation. Our own conscience inside of us, will either accuse or convict us or it will exonerate and excuse us.

I tell the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Spirit, Romans 9:1

Part of Paul’s defense was that his own conscience bore witness within him. Paul also says this was in the Holy Spirit. This tells us that Holy Spirit bears witness with our conscience.

However, there is not in everyone that knowledge; for some, with consciousness of the idol, until now eat it as a thing offered to an idol; and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. 1 Corinthians 8:7

Here Paul tells us that if our own conscience is weak, it won’t convict us when it should. Our conscience can even be so seared that it is scarred and not sensitive and then cannot be trusted. (1 Timothy 4:2)

²⁵ Eat whatever is sold in the meat market, asking no questions for conscience’ sake; ²⁶ for “the earth is the LORD’S, and all its fullness.” ²⁷ If any of those who do not believe invites you to dinner, and you desire to go, eat whatever is set before you, asking no question for conscience’ sake. ²⁸ But if anyone says to you, “This was offered to idols,” do not eat it for the sake of the one who told you, and for conscience’ sake; for “the earth is the LORD’S, and all its fullness.” ²⁹ “Conscience,” I say, not your own, but that of the other. For why is my liberty judged by another man’s conscience? 1 Corinthians 10:25-29

Although Paul is specifically addressing being able to eat unclean foods, which was against the Jewish Law, he explains that our conscience can make us feel guilty even when we are innocent. He also gives insight that our conscience judges us and us alone. Our conscience doesn’t judge others. Paul said in another place “If we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged” 1 Corinthians 11:31.

Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Men and brethren, what shall we do?” Acts 2:37

Here we see that the people were pricked in their heart after hearing the preaching of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Their own consciences made them feel remorse and convicted them, and they asked what they should do. They repented and were born again.

There’s another phrase used that is a little different but similar. It is “cut to the heart”. The Greek word used here means to cut asunder. It is defined as; to get to the core issue. In the following verses we see that the people addressed heard a message that cut right down to the core. They were convicted by their own conscience through the message they heard. These though chose a different path than those above. These did not repent and change. They got angry. Their consciences were seared, and they had a predetermined mind to not listen to their consciences.

But when these words came to their ears, they were cut to the heart, and had a mind to put them to death. Acts 5:33

“You stiff-necked and uncircumcised in heart and ears! You always resist the Holy Spirit; as your fathers did, so do you. Acts 7:51

When they heard these things, they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed at him with their teeth. Acts 7:54

A NEW WAY

but he is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the Spirit, not in the letter; whose praise is not from men but from God. Romans 2:29

This verse may seem like it doesn’t belong here, but oh how it does. Paul is saying that circumcision now is no longer in the flesh but in the heart. This is our conscience. The word circumcision means to cut. And to enter into the Abrahamic covenant as a Jew, one needed to become circumcised in the foreskin of the flesh. This was the entrance, by blood, into the Abrahamic covenant. Now through Jesus Christ, we enter into a covenant with God by circumcising our hearts, not our flesh. The entrance into this covenant is still by blood and the cutting of human flesh. It is not by cutting our flesh and having our blood flow, it is by the offering made by Jesus Christ on the cross. His flesh was cut, and His blood flowed. So, we now enter in vicariously through faith. It is our heart that is cut or circumcised. This happens when our conscience feels the tug of conviction through the words being preached.(See Romans 4:9-12, 1 Timothy 1:5, Hebrews 10:22)

²⁰ For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. ²¹ Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. 1 John 3:20-21

Once we are born again and have a new heart, a pure heart. A heart created in the image and likeness of God. A new spirit – His spirit is dwelling inside us. We then can trust and have confidence in the leading and guiding of our conscience. Our spirit man.

We must stay tender to God and listen and obey the leading of our conscience or recreated newly born-again spirit. If we do not do so, our conscience can become seared and then can no longer be trusted as a guide.

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Maybe I Can Do Five Minutes

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

Maybe I can do five minutes. That thought came to me during one of the most overwhelming seasons of my life. My mind had been running nonstop with fear and worst-case scenarios. What am I going to do now? Where will I live? My life is over. I could not focus at work. I could barely think straight. My mind was stuck in a nonstop loop, cycling through these questions over and over. I could not turn it off.

At the time, I was brand new to recovery and I remember reading the line on the Just For Today bookmark that said, “Just for today, I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.” My immediate reaction was disbelief. I even questioned where the care and acceptance were in this idea. Twelve hours? No way! I cannot even do one hour. I couldn’t even handle fifteen minutes. But then a small thought rose up in me: maybe I can do five minutes. I wasn’t even sure I could do that. Then another small thought crept up: Maybe I could at least try it? So, for five minutes I decided not to think about everything that was scaring me. I purposely thought about good things and things I wanted instead of what I didn’t want. When the worries came back, I tried another five minutes. What surprised me was how those small pieces of time began to stretch. Five minutes became ten. Then fifteen, then thirty. Then longer. Somewhere in that process God was helping me even when I didn’t know it. He was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He found a way to get through my own poor me thinking, where I was stuck feeling sorry for myself, so that I could embrace a new way of thinking and a new way of life. The little bit of recovery I had was already working and I didn’t even realize it at the time. New thoughts? Try something on my own? What a concept… What a gift!

Recovery still works that way for me today. When my mind starts racing or life feels overwhelming and out of control, I try to embrace this same type of thinking. I come back to that lesson. I remind myself I do not have to solve all of life’s problems today. I only need to take the next right step. I have learned that progress rarely happens all at once. It usually happens one small choice at a time. Five minutes at a time. One step at a time. Today I can do something for a short time that would appall me if I thought I had to do it forever.

Reflection
What small amount of time can I commit to right now to get through a hard moment?

HOW JESUS USED THE WORD OF GOD

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

We are going to take a peek at how Jesus used the Word of God in His daily life. Here is one example that we have. Now remember Jesus was alone, all by Himself when these events happened. So how do we know about them? He told His disciples and had them record it. It must have been important for Him to specifically recall it, and have the to do so. We see the interchnage in Luke 4:1-13

¹ Then Jesus, being filled with the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness,

Jesus is our example of how we should live our lives and how we should do things. Jesus heard from God, and He used the word of God when He dealt with the tempter – the devil. Jesus is our example. Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, a deserted place. Jesus was alone. All by Himself. No other human person was with Him.

²being tempted for forty days by the devil. And in those days, He ate nothing, and afterward, when they had ended, He was hungry.

Jesus was tempted for 40 days by the devil. Let me say that again. Jesus was tempted by the devil. Not by God. The devil is the tempter. We have the account of only three occurrences here, but it clearly says He was tempted for 40 days. He was also fasting for 40 days and afterward he was hungry. Then comes the tempter again. Are you seeing the picture here? Medical science tells us that around day 40 of not eating starvation begins and people usually start to die. He was literally starving when tempted to turn the stone into bread. He was HUNGRY.

³And the devil said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread.”

The tempter tempts us when and where we are weak. He tempts us where we have a NEED. He challenges our status and authority, as well as our natural desire to survive and live.

⁴But Jesus answered him, saying, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.’ ” (Deut. 8:3)

Jesus used the Word of God to fight off the temptation. No doubt Jesus was hungry it tells us so – but that He was tempted means He thought about doing it. Sometimes we think that since Jesus was God and He always was constantly thinking God’s thoughts. But it clearly says that Jesus was tempted. He thought about doing it. James 1:13-14 tells us clearly that God does not ever tempt anyone but instead, each of us is tempted by our own desires. What kept Him in check? What helped Him in the midst of this temptation to stay strong? It was the written Word of God. Jesus is That Mana. He IS the Word of God and the Bread of Life, and even He used the established written Word of God in His battle.

⁵Then the devil, taking Him up on a high mountain, showed Him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time.⁶ And the devil said to Him, “All this authority I will give You, and their glory; for this has been delivered to me, and I give it to whomever I wish. ⁷Therefore, if You will worship before me, all will be Yours.”

Again, the tempter attacks Jesus in an area where He has a NEED. A desire (James 1:14) Jesus came into the world for this purpose. He came to take back the authority that Adam lost in the Garden of Eden. And Jesus thought about it. Maybe just a millisecond, but He did think about it. If Jesus never thought about doing it, then it would not have been a temptation.

⁸ And Jesus answered and said to him, “Get behind Me, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the LORD your God, and Him only you shall serve.’ “ (Deut. 6:13)

I love how Jesus rebukes that old slimeball. Get behind Me satan. It means do not tempt me, I reject you, your statements, your beliefs, and your quotes. It means you did not do what you attempted or tried. We have some more modern ways of saying that. Get lost, Get out of my way, Take a hike, Beat it, Kick rocks, Take a long walk off a short pier, and Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. You choose which one fits your style, but they all have the same inference.

⁹ Then he brought Him to Jerusalem, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down from here. ¹⁰ For it is written: ‘He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you,’ ¹¹ “and, ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.’ “

(Psalm 91:11-12)

This part I think is the most enlightening. The enemy used the scripture to try and trick Jesus. Jesus had been using scripture the whole time. So, the enemy tries to use something that Jesus is familiar with and is a source of strength for Him, to cause Him to let down His guard. This tells us that it is not only important for us to know what the words in the word of God are, but we must also know what they mean and how to apply them.

¹² And Jesus answered and said to him, “It has been said, ‘You shall not tempt the LORD your God.’ “

(Deut 6:16)

If Jesus the Son of God in the flesh… needed to learn, know, and use the scriptures… my friends we need to as well, and even more so. Jesus whipped the devil with three verses all from the book of Deuteronomy (see citations). We have 66 books of the Bible, and we can use them all. Get behind me, devil!

¹³Now when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from Him until an opportune time.

Just because you have one victory over the enemy doesn’t mean you will never have another opportunity. The devil will keep looking for an opportune time to try and get at you. Just like he did with Jesus. This is why we need to stay tuned into God and His word. There will be another time. We need to be prepared and ready.

But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, has deceiving and being deceived. But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 2 Timothy 3:13-16

Every Scripture is God-breathed (given by His inspiration) and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and] for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God’s will in thought, purpose, and action), 2 Timothy 3:16 (Amplified Version)

The word of God is our “reed”. It’s a standard that we use to judge all things against. Let God be true and every man a Liar. (Romans 3:4).

His Word is forever settled in Heaven (Psalm 119:89)
He has exalted His Word above His Name (Psalm 138:2)
His Name is Called the Word of God (Revelation 19:13)
Jesus is the Word (John 1:1-14)
God works with and confirms His Word (Mark 16:20)

God’s Word keeps us safe and secure. We can trust His word implicitly. As we continue in His word, we are His disciples (sheep) and then we will know the Truth and that Truth will make us free.

³¹Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. ³² And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:31-32

This may seem like a simple point, and straightforward, but I cannot emphasize it enough. As we continue in God’s word, the more we read, learn, and know, the more we will learn and know. This then makes it easier to hear God’s voice. Because we start to know God’s nature. What He likes and doesn’t like; what pleases Him; what His will is in given situations, (His Word is His will), then we can more easily know when He is speaking to us. Because we know God will never violate His word. He will speak in conjunction with what He has previously said in the past. “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Hebrews 13:8. Jesus said, “to him that more will be given” Mark 4:25. And when Jesus said this, He was talking about having ears to hear. He said to watch what you hear and how you hear. And the degree of hearing is in proportion to the degree of importance you give to hearing. (Mark 4:22-25)

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Right In Front Of Me

Noticing Again

What becomes familiar can quietly become unappreciated. Gratitude keeps the most important things in my life from becoming invisible.

What is something in your life that you want to notice and appreciate again today?

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights. James 1:17

The past few days, I found myself really appreciating my wife. I started thinking about how much she means to me and how many qualities she has that I admire. The way she loves me. The way she accepts me. The way she makes me feel wanted. When I really stopped and thought about it, all the things that made me fall in love with her in the first place are still there. Nothing about her has changed. At the same time, I began to realize how easily I had stopped noticing. Sometimes what is most amazing and special can become so familiar that I stop seeing it. Working the steps helps me notice this and own it more easily. Instead of pretending I haven’t stopped noticing, I can acknowledge it and look for ways to change without guilt or shame for simply being human.

This realization started while I was writing about my Higher Power and thinking about the qualities I believe He has. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. As I thought about those qualities, it struck me that many of the same things I admire about my Higher Power are also present in my wife. That made me pause. If something as wonderful as my wife can become so familiar that I begin to take her for granted, I wondered if I might sometimes do the same thing with God. When something good becomes part of everyday life, it is easy to stop appreciating it the way I once did.

Recovery has given me many practical tools to help me navigate life and make different choices so I can get better results. My first thought was making a gratitude list is always a good idea. There is never a wrong time to stop and name what I am thankful for. So I decided to make a gratitude list about my wife and about my Higher Power. Then I had another thought, a different thought. Something I had not thought of before. I did not want to stop with just writing the list down. I wanted to say it out loud and verbalize my gratitude and thankfulness. I told my wife the things I had written down. I told her how I appreciate her and am so very thankful for her. I told God the things I am grateful for about Him too. In doing that, I realized something simple but very powerful. When I express my gratitude to those I love, it keeps the love alive. It keeps me from drifting into taking the best parts of my life and the people in my life for granted. And when I do that, something changes in me. I feel more aware, more connected, and more thankful. I am proud of who I am becoming. This is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the people You have placed in my life. Help me not to take them for granted. Teach me to slow down and notice the people and blessings You have given me. Help me to show love through gratitude. Amen.

Fear Disguised as Discernment

Faith Over Fear

I recently had to ask myself an uncomfortable question: Am I truly waiting on God, or am I stalling because of fear?

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

Lately I have been asking myself an uncomfortable question. When I say I am waiting on God, am I really just afraid of change and settling for what feels familiar? My wife and I have been talking about a major life decision. I found myself quickly dismissing it without even thinking or praying about it. I convinced myself I was waiting on God. Counting the cost. Being wise. That language sounds scriptural and spiritual, and some of it may even be. Who was I fooling? Not my wife! She is so awesome and patient with me. Once I finally started to think and pray about it seriously, a harder question rose up. Am I truly seeking God’s direction in this area, or am I being intimidated by fear and calling it discernment? I am content with where I am. Or maybe I am just comfortable. Recovery has taught me that fear seldom announces itself and says, “Hey, look at me.” Many times it speaks in very calm, reasonable tones. Sometimes it sounds like wisdom.

Waiting on God and hiding from change can look very similar from the outside. Both involve pausing. Both involve prayer. Both involve caution. The difference is in the motive. Wisdom pauses to listen. Fear pauses to avoid discomfort. Wisdom seeks clarity. Fear seeks certainty. I realized that part of me wanted guarantees. I wanted to know how it would work out. I wanted assurances before taking any step at all. But that is not how faith works. That is not how God leads me. He asks me to take a step of faith, like Peter, stepping out on the water in the middle of the storm. There is a reason He gave me the Holy Spirit. There is a reason He is called the Comforter. Why would I need comfort or a Comforter if I were never to face an uncomfortable situation? And if I were never in an uncomfortable situation, am I really walking in faith? Scripture tells me to seek God and ask Him for wisdom. God provides the outcomes. He does give assurance according to His promises. And His promises come after I step out in faith and obedience. It is up to me to seek God’s will, and ask for direction then act in obedience.

Recovery has given me the ability to examine my motives honestly. Once I see them, I don’t beat myself up for them. I acknowledge them and admit the truth of what I see. The truth is, I am afraid. I feel uncertain about the decision. At the same time, comfort is available. I also have the desire and willingness to seek God’s will. I don’t want fear making decisions for me, and I don’t want impatience making them either. I want clarity. If God says stay, I will stay. If He says move, I will move. My responsibility isn’t to avoid the question or force an answer. My responsibility is to seek Him sincerely and be willing to act when He makes the direction clear. That cannot happen if I never even ask or seek Him. When I do that, I am practicing honesty and humility instead of control. It is liberating. Being able to recognize and see my true self – that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me recognize when I am being intimidated by fear. Teach me how to seek Your will and trust Your promises even when the path ahead is uncertain. Give me the courage to act when You make the way clear. Help me walk by faith and not by fear. Amen.

Not Good Enough?

Thinking Accurately

Sometimes the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me I’m not enough. Recovery has taught me to question that voice, inventory it, and replace it with truth. This is what learning to think accurately looks like.

Think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.
Romans 12:3

My wife and I have been talking about possibly moving to another area that would be closer to family. It’s a very big decision. I like my job and I like what I do. So I started looking at similar job opportunities in that area. I found several openings that match exactly what I already do. Same field. Same responsibilities. Same level. On paper, there is no difference. It is the exact same thing I am doing now. But in my mind, there is. I found myself hesitating, pulling back, and closing the page because I believed I wasn’t qualified.

I began thinking those positions were far more important than what I do now. Those companies must be more professional. The job must be bigger, more demanding, more significant. Even though I hold the same title and do the same work, I started believing I might not be qualified to do it somewhere else. That I might not measure up. That I might not perform at the level they would expect. I realized I was looking down on my own performance, quietly labeling my role as not good enough. That felt familiar, and I didn’t like the way it felt. Then I heard my sponsor’s voice in my head asking, What is the common denominator? Of course I know the answer. Me. I am seeing myself as less than again.

In my current role, I have seen real success. Under my leadership we have reached milestones the company had never reached before. We implemented strategies and achieved goals they had wanted for years but never could accomplish. I have been told directly that my leadership made the difference. That made me feel good. I felt like I was doing a good job and appreciated. Yet when I imagine doing the same job somewhere else, something inside me whispers, You’re not good enough. That surprised me. As I reflected on it, I began to meditate and pray. Then I did some writing. I was struck with my character defect of feeling not good enough. It’s right there, staring me in the face.

Recovery has taught me the only way through this is through it. It’s not just going to happen automatically. So I decided to stop and inventory what is actually there. I have done many physical inventories in my career and I understand the concept. An inventory does not judge the items on the shelf. It simply acknowledges what is there. When I apply that honestly to my life, I see that I have strengths, not just weaknesses. I have qualities I look for when I interview other candidates. I have experience. I have perseverance. I have a proven track record. I also have fear. But fear is just another inventory item. It does not get to override the reality of everything else that is there.

Today, after doing an honest inventory and applying recovery principles, I can name it for what it is: a character defect rooted in feeling not good enough. I never would have seen that before recovery. I would not have questioned that inner voice. I would have believed it was who I was. It does not just disappear. But I am aware of it now, and it no longer controls me. I recognize it, name it, face it, and release it. Humility is not thinking less of myself. It is thinking accurately about myself. God has brought healing in my life and walked me through years of growth, challenges, and victories. To deny what He has done in me is not humility. It is another layer of denial. Now, instead of believing that voice, I choose to live in the truth of what God has done in me. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me when old patterns try to hinder me and keep me stuck. You are my source and strength. You always see me through. Help me to see myself the way You see me. When old voices rise up, remind me of the work You have already done in me. Give me the courage to live in Your truth and not shrink back in fear. Amen.

Not My Own Higher Power

Restored Through Love

For years I tried to fix what only love could heal. Step Two slowed me down and reminded me I am not my own higher power.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I was recently speaking with my sponsor about Step 2. We are working through the steps again. He asked what my thoughts were about my higher power. Thinking I knew the answer and where we were going, I started telling him about God being my higher power and describing what I believed about Him. He stopped me and said very plainly, “We don’t get to God until Step 3. We are talking about Step 2. I asked you to tell me about your higher power.” I paused. I was already jumping ahead in my mind. We were not talking about surrendering to God’s will. We were talking about believing that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He was slowing me down to think about what that actually means instead of assuming. He gave me an assignment to describe the qualities and characteristics of my higher power.

This was harder than I expected. I had to stop thinking about the attributes of God and instead think about what I need from a higher power to restore me to sanity. I had to change my perspective. Here is what I came up with. My higher power is loving, caring, and accepting. He understands me and listens to me. He comforts me and gives me strength when I am weak and overwhelmed. When I do not know what to do, He gives me guidance. He is bigger and more powerful than me, more knowledgeable and smarter than me. My higher power is not me. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can bring healing and sanity into my life. He works in my life as I surrender and believe. My higher power loves me unconditionally.

What I concluded is that I need a higher power to help me. I cannot change on my own. For years I tried to do it myself. I made myself my own higher power. In Step 1 I learned that I was powerless over the effects of alcohol. In Step 2 I learn that I need a power greater than me to help me be free. As I listed the qualities I was looking for, I realized something. Everything I described had to do with being loved and accepted. That is where many of my character defects begin. At the core are two lies I believe about myself and have carried with me for years: I am not good enough, and I am not wanted. I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself and earn the love and acceptance I lacked growing up. In doing that, I had inadvertently made myself my own higher power. I tried to fix what only love could heal.

To be restored to sanity, I needed more than I could do on my own. I needed to know I was loved. The qualities I described about my higher power speak directly to that need. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. Not me. When I believe in a power like that, my thinking shifts. I no longer have to prove myself. I no longer have to try and be good enough. I can believe that I am accepted and wanted. I am loved. That is where my healing begins and sanity returns. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

God, thank You for accepting me as I am. Help me to be honest about my needs. I still struggle with feeling wanted and loved. I know in my head that You offer unconditional love. Please allow me to be able to see and feel it. Amen

Waking Up

Awareness Is The Beginning

Easier isn’t always better.

Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light. Ephesians 5:14

I was watching the movie The Matrix and thinking about the scene where Neo is offered a choice between the red pill and the blue pill. The red pill represents truth and having your eyes opened. The blue pill represents continuing on as you are. There’s a scene where Cipher says, Why didn’t I take the blue pill? I can relate to that in my recovery. Breaking through denial and seeing reality did not automatically fix everything. It simply made me aware that I needed to change. That was not what I thought I was signing up for when I first came.

Just like in the movie, there are intense battles that I had been oblivious to before. There is pain. There is the shock of realizing things are not what I thought they were. And then there is something harder. Seeing myself as I really am instead of who I thought I was. Awareness is uncomfortable. Identification is humbling. But change is where the real work begins. I began to realize how much work recovery would require. It was a huge learning curve. And there was unlearning too. That may have been the hardest part. I did not just need awareness. I needed change. Having my eyes opened was only the start.

I remember having similar thoughts when I was doing my Fourth Step moral inventory. Why did I agree to this? It was hard, laborious, and painful. I did not want to think about the things I had tried so hard to forget. And then to honestly see my part in all of it. I did not sign up for that. I have heard others say life was better before recovery and working through the steps. I understand the feeling. But was it really? For me it wasn’t better. It may have been easier. So much easier. But it definitely wasn’t better.

I came to my first meeting on my own, looking for some self help answers and a way to fix my family. What I found were people who had been where I was, sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Honestly, I could not have done this on my own. I am grateful there were people in those rooms doing their own step work, especially those living out the Twelfth Step. They did not tell me what to do. They pointed me in the right direction. Start with surrender. Ask God for help. Stop trying to fix everyone else and start working on the person in the mirror. That is not a cliché. It is real. It is what helped me break free.

Yes, there was a time when I wondered why I joined recovery and whether it was doing any good. But then I looked at what was different. I had peace. I was happier. I had real friendships. When I looked in the mirror, I was beginning to like who I saw. There’s a hope that wasn’t there before. And that hope feels good. Really good. Life still gets hard, but I do not face it the same way. Recovery has given me tools. God has given me strength. That did not happen overnight. It came from staying awake, doing the work, and trusting God in the process. I am so glad I am here. Waking up was hard, painful, and ugly, but it brought healing and led me back to God.

Reflection
Am I choosing what feels easier, or what I know is better?

Detachment With Love

Care Without Control

I thought detachment meant pushing people away. I had to learn it meant loving without managing.

Each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:5

Detachment is separating myself emotionally from another person’s behavior. There are healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments, and detachment is breaking free from the unhealthy ones. When I first heard about detachment, I was eager to practice it. I heard it talked about in the rooms and how it was the solution for breaking free from the hold. I learned already I had developed unhealthy attachments and I wanted the freedom spoken about. What I mysteriously missed though was the “with love” part. I heard detachment and I was ready. I did not hear with love.

The first time I tried to practice detachment, I did it by setting a boundary. I was new and thought detachment and boundaries were the same thing. I had never done either before, and when I finally did, it was clumsy and ugly. I remember telling my mom I was getting divorced. She started crying. I had been here before. At first I was angry. I thought she was using her tears to control my emotions and maneuver me into comforting her. I saw it as another attempt to shift the focus away from what I was going through. I was already hurting. I did not want the divorce. My family was being ripped apart. My future felt uncertain. So many emotions were surfacing that I did not even know what I was feeling, except sad and alone. I didn’t have anything left to comfort her. I had heard about detachment and boundaries and wanted to practice what I was learning. Instead of pausing and sorting through my own emotions, I reacted. I said, rather gruffly, why are you crying? This isn’t about you. This is about me. I even said I was setting a boundary and would not be manipulated anymore. She stopped crying and went silent.

Like I said, I was new in recovery and still learning. I had successfully set a boundary, but it wasn’t detachment and it wasn’t with love. Internally I was a kid again. I was still trying to feel safe by controlling the environment. I was trying to protect myself from being engulfed by her feelings because I could barely manage my own. That was not detachment with love. That was fear wrapped up with new language. I was more addicted to approval than I realized. Addicted to her reaction. Addicted to feeling secure based on how she responded to me. As I began to work through the Steps and grow, I stopped looking to other people to determine my value. I have intrinsic value because of my Creator. My sponsor says forgiveness is the best form of detachment, and I think he is right. When I forgive, I let go of trying to control what is not mine.

After working through the Steps with my sponsor, I can honestly say that today things are different. If someone I love starts crying, I pause. I check my urge to control their emotions. I let them have their feelings, and I let myself have mine. I don’t have to fix them or silence them. I don’t have to correct them either. When I need to set a boundary, I do not have to announce it. I just live it. It is for me, not for them. I say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean when I say it. I practice acceptance. The Serenity Prayer helps a lot with that. I offer forgiveness. This is how I know I am practicing detachment with love: I can care without control. That shows love and respect for them and for me.

Prayer
Father, teach me to practice detachment with love. Heal the wounds inside me that cause me to control instead of trust. When I feel uncomfortable, help me pause instead of react. Give me courage to forgive those who have hurt me. Amen.