Why Not Pray?

I kept waiting to feel different.
Nothing changed while I waited.
Something changed when I prayed.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I had been feeling kind of meh all week. I was a little irritable and just not quite myself. I was aware of it, and it bothered me a little, but not enough to really look at it. I had become complacent, allowing myself to be okay with not being okay. Other people seemed to notice too. Earlier in the day, someone tried to make me smile and someone else asked what was wrong because I was not smiling. Apparently, my normal is that I usually smile. Not a bad accusation. I realized that my meh attitude was leaking and my face showed it. I did not like that.

As I was driving home from work, I thought about those comments from earlier in the day. I did not want to stay meh any longer, but I did not know what to do about it. Then I had this crazy thought: Why don’t I pray? It was nothing miraculous or spiritually enlightening. I simply said, “God, help me stop feeling this way. Help me have a different attitude. Help me get my smile back.” The heavens didn’t open and angels didn’t descend on me, but almost immediately I started to feel better. The meh feeling began to dissipate. I felt at ease, and I felt a smile start to stretch across my face. I thought, I am going to have a good rest of the night. And I did.

After that, I began doing a spot inventory. Why had it taken me almost an entire week to do something about feeling off? Had I become comfortable with being complacent? Was I expecting something to change without doing anything to make it happen? That was insanity popping up again. Then I began asking myself harder questions. Why had prayer stopped being my first response? Why was I waiting until something felt off before I prayed? That is when I got honest with myself. I had to admit the truth: I had let prayer fall out of my daily routine. Missing my daily prayer time started to show, quietly surfacing in my attitude. I was irritable and uneasy, and I had lost my smile. Although I was aware of it, I did nothing to change it. I was expecting it to change on its own.

Step 11 gives me the solution: seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out. God is the one who helped me to this point. Did I think I would suddenly be able to carry on by myself? I still need His help every day. I did not need to go back and work all the steps over again. I simply needed to recognize what had happened, correct it, and move forward. When I pray, something changes in me. I may hide things from other people or even deny them to myself, but I cannot hide them from God. Prayer brings me honestly into His presence. It humbles me and makes me willing to change. I humbled myself, asked God to help me, and He did. He met my meh with grace and mercy, and I was changed. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me make time for daily prayer. Show me when complacency tries to set in, and give me the strength to seek You even when I do not feel like it. Amen.