Tag: sobriety

Recovered, Not Arrived

Seeking God

I am grateful that I have recovered, but transformation comes from continuing to seek God and to do His will.

“…we, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.” Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the First Edition

I was recently listening to a speaker talk about how the introduction to the Big Book, specifically says that we have recovered from alcohol. For whatever reason, and for a long time, I had believed the misconception that I would never be completely recovered. I have even heard people say a phrase that has become folklore and many believe it to be true.  “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” Maybe you have heard it too. I interpreted that to mean that I would always struggle and never be completely free. I thought this was the teaching of the Twelve Steps. That belief was a stumbling block for me that caused me to reject recovery for many years. I believe that God is bigger than my problems and that He would deliver and heal me completely, if He were sought. These two ideas were in conflict and created confusion for me. I could not accept the idea that there was no hope for me to ever permanently get better. I ultimately did come to recovery, not because I agreed with everything. I only came because I was in enough pain that I became willing to try something different.

So I was eager to go back to the Big Book and verify it for myself. Guess what? It really does say that we have recovered. Not just once, but repeatedly throughout the literature. I also searched for the phrase, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” only to discover it isn’t there at all. In fact, what I found was just the opposite. When I saw that for myself, I felt relief. I felt validated. The conflict I had carried around for years suddenly disappeared. I no longer had to wonder if I would always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for it to come back. If I was always recovering, would I ever really be free? I finally saw that recovery does not oppose or contradict my beliefs. I am confident that I have recovered, but I also know that I have not arrived. I still encounter situations every day that challenge me to react. Those moments reveal areas where I still need to grow. Old ways of thinking still show up from time to time.

Recovered doesn’t mean perfected. My addiction and destructive behaviors may be gone. I am no longer living in bondage to what once controlled me. But that doesn’t mean I stop working the Steps or that I no longer seek to improve my conscious contact with God. I don’t want to settle for recovering from one malady when God wants to transform every area of my life. So I continually seek Him. It’s a lifelong journey to be relieved of the bondage of self so that I may better do His will. The freedom I thought I would never find was there all along. I found it when I surrendered to God and stopped resisting the truths He was showing me. My prayer now is that I may be able to do His will. That is the gift of recovery for me. I am recovered, I have not arrived

I do not consider myself to have “arrived”, spiritually, nor do I consider myself already perfect. But I keep going on, grasping ever more firmly that purpose for which Christ Jesus grasped me. Philippians 3:12

Asking Instead of Assuming

Clearing the Air

Fear tries to fill in the blanks when things are uncertain. My recovery tools help me slow down and face things directly.

He who gives an answer before he hears, it is foolish and a cause of shame to him.           Proverbs 18:13

Last week my boss had a meeting with two department heads who report to me. I was not invited to the meeting, and that hurt my feelings. The meeting was about bringing on a new doctor, which normally falls under my responsibility. When I heard about it, I felt upset and a little afraid. I started wondering if there was a reason I was not included. After the meeting my boss told me everything they had discussed, but it still bothered me. That is when I had the thought, I have recovery tools now. I wonder which recovery principle or tool could help me with this situation? I paused and thought about my options.

In the past I would’ve just gone on and not asked why I wasn’t included. I would’ve continued as everything was normal, all the while wondering why and holding resentment. This time, I decided to ask why I wasn’t invited to the meeting. There could be a perfectly valid reason that had nothing to do with me. At the same time, my mind quickly jumped to fear. What if I’m being replaced? What if they no longer need me? That threatens my security. It hits deeper. It triggered my core defect of feeling I’m not good enough. When that shows up, I know that this is about me and not what’s happening. So, I did what I learned in recovery. I prayed about it and wrote about it. I asked God for guidance. What became clear was that I struggle with uncertainty. It is the worst for me. When things are left hanging in the air, my mind will fill in the blanks, usually with fear. The tools of recovery give me a practical way to approach this. The solution was to simply ask the question.

Recovery has taught me that I can ask a question without being accusatory, without sarcasm, and without putting anyone else down. A simple inquiry. And then, be willing to accept the response without being defensive. I resisted the urge to ask the department heads their opinion, so as not to cause division or gossip. I asked my boss simply, calmly and directly, why I wasn’t included in the meeting. I was told that it was not meant to exclude me. That is why I was informed afterward about everything that was covered. But because they had spent more time talking about medical procedures, it didn’t pertain to me. I still didn’t like that I was not included, but I understood and I felt like I handled it not just professionally, but in a healthier way than I would have before.

Before recovery, I would never have asked why I wasn’t included. I would have let that cloud of uncertainty hang over my head indefinitely. I am grateful for my recovery. It helps me address things directly instead of letting them continually spin in my mind. I feel like I fit into the world and I can move forward. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the recovery tools You have given me. Help me to slow down and not give in to fear. Help me to seek You for guidance. Give me courage to address things that I used to avoid and the wisdom to know how to do it. Thank You for helping me grow and learn healthier ways to live. Amen.