Feelings Follow Actions

Take The Next Step

Change didn’t start when I felt better. It started after I acted.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

For most of my life I built a wall so I would not have to feel my feelings. I did not want to deal with those unpleasant emotions that made me feel so uncomfortable. I had learned how to shut things down and keep on moving. But when I came into recovery, and once I started working the steps, that door opened. And like a floodgate being released, all of those feelings and emotions I had been holding back for years suddenly started coming out. I was trying to feel them and experience them, but I did not know how. I didn’t know what to do with them. And many times they were confusing too, because they would intermingle and come at the same time. I remember a moment when I received some great amazing news and some horribly bad news within about 30 minutes of each other. My wife and I had just found out we were pregnant after several years of trying. We were elated and so happy. It was wonderful. And then a little later, I received a call that my dad had passed away. I was sad and angry. And then confused. Life and death all in less than an hour’s time. I felt happy and angry and sad all at the same time. I called my sponsor to get some help. He simply said, “Those are and feelings.” I began to realize that it was good that I was no longer running from my feelings. I was finally experiencing my emotions and acknowledging that they were real. But I also started to see how much of a roller coaster life becomes if I allow my emotions to become the determining factor for everything I do.

I’ve heard it said many times in the rooms of recovery, and I have found it to be true in my own life, that you can’t think your way into better behavior, but you can act your way into better thinking. And over time I began to see that the same thing is true with feelings. I cannot feel my way into better behavior, but I can act my way into better feelings. When I let my emotions dictate my actions, my life becomes unstable and reactive. I start making decisions based on how I feel in the moment, and that usually doesn’t lead me anywhere good. But when I choose to take healthy actions first, even when I don’t feel like it, something begins to shift. My behavior starts to change. And as my behavior begins to change, something starts to shift in my thinking. And as my thinking begins to change, my feelings begin to follow. Those simple actions, the ones that don’t seem like much in the moment, begin to calm the storm inside me.

Step Two says that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me, the action in that step is in the word came. I would have never started believing any of this if I had not come in the first place. I had to get up out of my feel-sorry-for-myself life and take myself down the road to a place where I could hear how to change. Not every action in recovery is grand or dramatic. Many of them are simple and even mundane. Showing up. Listening. Taking the next right step. But those small actions begin to change my behavior, and when my behavior changes it is amazing how my feelings begin to change too. I came, and then I began to believe. And as I kept showing up and taking those simple actions, I started to feel different too.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop letting my feelings run my life. Teach me to walk by faith and take the next right step, even when I don’t feel like it. I surrender the outcome to You. Amen.

My Mind Took Off

Slowing It Down

My mind can take me places that aren’t even real. I’m learning to catch it, slow it down, and come back to what’s actually true.

We are even taking every thought prisoner so that it is obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

I was in a meeting recently, and I really wanted to share. I felt like I had something valuable to offer. It was a tag meeting, and I was used to being called on. But this time, I wasn’t. And just like that, my mind took off. Maybe they don’t like me anymore. I had given a lead share just a week prior, so my mind tried to convince me that maybe I said something wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t good enough. That hit my core character defect, feeling like I’m not good enough. I even started playing out scenarios in my head, full conversations. They all got together and had a private meeting where they were talking about me. They all agreed not to call on me anymore. That I had done or said something wrong.

This is crazy thinking. I know. I also know that when I start thinking like this, it’s a good sign I need to revisit Step 2. I have insane thinking. I can carry on full conversations in my head and create entire scenarios that aren’t real. These are the things I did before recovery. And what really stood out to me was the contradiction. I’m thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough, yet at the same time thinking I’m so important that everyone is talking about me.

Then I realized there are 30 to 40 people in this meeting. Basic math tells me not everyone is going to get a chance to share. There are other people there that want to share too. That helped me put things in perspective. Maybe everything isn’t about me. Maybe they aren’t talking about me either. When I got some perspective, and spent some time in prayer and meditation, I could see this was less about rejection and more about my pride. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to contribute. And when that didn’t happen, I was disappointed. That’s normal. Recovery is helping me recognize it, identify it, and put it in its proper perspective so I don’t get pulled back into the same old thinking. When I do that, I don’t get my feelings hurt, and I don’t act out with manipulation or damage my relationships the way I used to.

Prayer
Father, help me slow down when my mind starts to take off. Help me bring it back to what is real and true. I don’t want to go back to that old thinking. Thank You for keeping me in Your hands. Amen.

The Battle For Peace

Taking Thoughts Captive

I’m learning that I can have peace in spite of what’s happening around me. It comes from what I’m thinking about.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I didn’t realize how important my thinking was. I really started to see this when I started working through the steps. I used to think my thoughts just happened, and I had no control over them. But I’m learning that’s not true. I have a part in what I think about. I can choose what I give my attention to. That may sound simple, maybe even a little repetitive, but it’s real. When I keep going over negative thoughts, fear, and everything that could possibly go wrong, I feel it. It shows up in my body, my attitude, and how I respond to people. But when I start focusing my attention on what is good, what is right, what builds me up, something changes. I start to feel peace rise within me.

Paul talks about this in Philippians. He doesn’t tell me to control everything around me. He points me back to what I’m thinking about. He tells me to think on what is true, good, pure, and worth holding onto. Not everything that could fall apart or go wrong. Because when I let my mind run wild, it will gravitate toward fear, worry, and the what ifs. Then that’s exactly what I start to feel. But when I bring my thinking back to what is right and what God says, there’s a peace that shows up that I can’t explain. I didn’t figure it out. I didn’t earn it. I just stopped feeding the wrong thoughts and started agreeing with the right ones.

This really is a battle, and it’s happening in my mind. I don’t get to sit this one out. Thoughts come in that don’t line up with who God is or what He says about me. Things like I’m not good enough, something bad is about to happen, or I’m not going to make it. When that happens, I’m learning to catch it and deal with it right there. I hold it up against the truth. If it doesn’t line up, I don’t keep it. I let it go. I tell myself no, that’s not true. Then I go back to what God says. That’s how I take thoughts captive. And little by little, peace starts to fill my mind and my heart. I walk and live in that peace, and I experience the promise of serenity. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to pay attention to what I’m thinking about. Show me when I’m agreeing with fear instead of truth. Teach me to come back to what You say. Thank You for Your peace. Amen.

Living Amends

Practice Pause

I used to think amends meant apologizing for everything I felt guilty about. Now I’m learning to slow down, look at what’s going on inside me, and stop creating the same damage.

A wise person is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
Proverbs 14:16

I was in a meeting last night and the topic was Step 9, making amends. It’s been a while since I made my initial inventory and worked it all the way through to amends. That first time was different though. I’ve gone through the steps many times over the years, including making amends. Today amends looks more like what we call a living amends. I don’t really need to go back and address people from my past. I just change the behavior when I see something that needs to change. My sponsor calls it a spot check inventory followed by amends. I just call it inventory and amends

When I first started making amends, it was hard. I didn’t really understand the purpose. I just knew it was the next step and I needed to do it to get better. Some of the first ones felt amazing. Paying people back money I owed, restoring relationships I had let fall by the wayside, it felt freeing. I thought this is great, who else can I make amends with? And in my zeal and haste, I rushed one. There was no real amends to be made, but I tried anyway. I forced it. I knew it too. It felt different inside me. God was trying to slow me down, but my pride kicked in. I had travelled this far and set the meeting. I would look stupid if I said nothing. What I really did was clear my conscience at someone else’s expense, and I lost a friendship that mattered to me. That one stayed with me. I still regret it. After that, I started slowing down. I talk things through with my sponsor now. Most of the time, if I have doubt, there’s a reason.

What I learned in that unfortunate experience is this. Most of the time when I have doubt, there is no amends to be made. That is why the doubt is there in the first place. I even used to wonder if I should apologize to that friend for my horrible amends attempt faux pas, but that would probably just bring up the same hurt again. I would be clearing my conscience at their expense all over again. When I am feeling confused or unsure, those are the times that I need to write about it. I need to look at my part. What did I do. What were my expectations. Usually I can see that it’s one of my character defects showing up. That reminds me that it’s something going on inside me, not something I need to bring to someone else. I was feeling guilt, like I was complicit. I needed to write about it and give it to God. That was all me 100%.

Amends is really about me, but not the way I thought. It’s not about trying to fix the past so I can feel better. It’s about changing how I live now so I stop creating the same damage. It’s about looking at what’s driving me, seeing the patterns, and taking responsibility for my actions moving forward. It’s about me changing what I do now so that I don’t repeat what I did before. That’s what real living amends looks like. Me changing my behaviors. I don’t have to keep going back and trying to rewrite the past. I have to accept what happened in the past as is. I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. I start to live in the present. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to slow down and be honest about what is really going on in me. Teach me to take responsibility for my actions and to live different today. Thank You. Amen.

Trying Too Hard

Already Enough

I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself… until I saw it in my daughter.

A person’s words come from what fills their heart. Matthew 12:34

My daughter plays softball, and she’s a good hitter. The other day during a game, she overheard the opposing coach say, “Wow, she makes good solid contact every time.” Her next time at bat, she walked. She was frustrated she didn’t get a chance to hit. Then her next at bat, she struck out. You could see it… she was trying so hard to hit the ball. Trying to prove she really was a good hitter. I was trying to encourage her and told her that she didn’t have to try so hard. You are a good hitter. You don’t have to prove it. Just have fun and let it happen. Later we went and did some batting practice, and she was rocking it again… just like before. God used that to show me something about me. I do the same thing with my writing. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When someone makes a positive comment about what I write, I feel it. I sometimes find that I put pressure on myself. I want to perform and do good again. I want to prove that I am good enough to deserve the praise or compliment. The truth is when I focus on growing and continuing my journey for me, I don’t have to force it. If I just keep putting good stuff in, good stuff will naturally come out. I know this. I don’t have to force it.

He showed me something else too. It can become an addiction. When someone likes what I write, it releases dopamine in my brain. And that dopamine release is an unexpected boost. My brain likes it and wants more. That is where “crave” comes from. I start craving that feeling. And my brain says, “Hey when I write something people like I can get that instant boost. Let’s do that again.” But when I focus on doing my recovery for me, to improve myself and grow closer to God, the dopamine is released naturally and evenly. I do not have spikes with quick highs and lows.

I am grateful for my recovery today. It allows me to see things as they really are. I can slow down and honestly look at my motives and make different choices. I can then share what God shows me instead of trying to write something people will think is good enough. I don’t have to prove it anymore.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop trying to prove myself. Teach me to trust what You’ve already put in me. Show me how to slow down. Help me just be me and enjoy life. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

Learning To Grow Up

No More Proving

I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to what I do. I don’t have to earn love and acceptance. I’m starting to see I can slow down, rest, and still have value.

When I was a child, my words and my feelings and my thoughts were those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for the ways of a child. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I was doing some step work and writing about having boundaries with myself, and it started taking me deeper than I expected. I began asking myself tougher questions. They were hard to ask and even harder to answer. My first instinct was to just move on and be content with the awareness, but I had that little nudge inside me telling me I was close to something and I just need to keep going. Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Why do I feel like I always have to be doing something? Is that tied to my character defects? Feeling like I am not good enough? Rejection? Do I feel like I have to do good in order to be loved? When I honestly work the steps, I learn more about why I do the things I do. As I slow down and look at my motives, I start to see there is something deeper driving me. This stuff is real, and it really helps me. I understand why they call it a “Fearless” moral inventory. Fear almost stopped me from pursuing these feelings.

I can see how easily I place my value and worth on what I do. I want to be successful and productive. And if I am honest, since I am not financially wealthy, there is a part of me that thinks maybe I would be considered successful by doing good things, helping others, and ministering through my writing. None of those things are wrong, but I can see how I have tied my worth to them. If I am producing, I feel okay. If I am not, something feels off. I rationalize that even if what I do doesn’t produce wealth financially, maybe I would still be considered successful by enriching others’ souls. The amazing thing about step work is that once I uncover the truth about why I do what I do and find my part, I begin to see what I can do to change unwanted behaviors. Most of the time, the change first shows up in how I am thinking, not in what I am doing. It is learning to see myself and others differently. I begin to be open-minded and realize that most of my problems come from inside of me, from how I perceive what is happening in my life. There is no looking for fault or blame but simply taking responsibility to change.

I did not cause the psychological damage that was done to me, and I was powerless to stop it as a child. But I am not a child anymore. My desire now is to stop reacting like one emotionally. That is where recovery becomes practical. It teaches me how to pause, how to look at what is really driving me, and how to make a different choice. I can see now that I have been trying to prove my worth by what I do. I do not have to prove my worth or value anymore. My identity is in God. My value and worth come from Him. I rest knowing that He loves and accepts me because He is good, not because I am. I am learning how to grow up, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. And even now, as I write this, I feel like I am close to something new. I sense a new awareness emerging. I am just starting to see my motives more clearly. And as I learn to rest in God, I begin to accept myself as I am. That is me growing up.

Prayer

Father, help me stop trying to prove my worth. Teach me to rest in who You say I am. Thank You. Amen.

Safe With Me

Trusting Myself

How I treat myself matters. Recovery is teaching me to take better care of myself.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats the church, Ephesians 5:29

Lately I have been overextending myself. In my mind I think I am like the energizer bunny and I can just keep going and going. My body though has a different response, and if I am not careful, I will run myself into the ground. I get run down and more susceptible to getting sick. It starts by staying up way too late trying to get everything done I want to do. Even in practicing my recovery, I stay up late reading, writing, and editing. I am also trying to write a book. Consequently, I don’t get enough sleep, and I am tired the next day, not always at my best and not performing at my best. I also find that I can be less patient and short with people. My intent and heart is good, but I am not practicing healthy boundaries with myself. My intentions do not justify my actions. I am not treating myself with care and respect.

I was reading some literature this past weekend. In it the person mentioned that they set boundaries with themself. I paused. I had to reread it a few more times. It didn’t quite click with me at first, but I knew there was something there. Something I needed to hear and see. As I sat with it, I began to connect it to my own life. I have learned about boundaries, and I have set them with other people. But I never thought about setting a boundary with myself. I used to think boundaries were only about other people. Who I let into my life and how I allowed them to treat me. Boundaries helped me determine what I would tolerate and what I would say no to. But I am learning that some of the most important boundaries are the ones I need to set with myself. Was I being too hard on myself? Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Am I trying to prove something? I did not realize that I was the one who was mistreating me.

As I prayed and meditated on this, I began to see how I talk to myself and how I treat myself. I would replay mistakes and blame myself, and that would lead to shame. I would expect perfection and then feel disappointed and discouraged when I couldn’t live up to such an unrealistic expectation. I am simply being human. Sometimes I would excuse behavior I knew was not healthy. I was being codependent with myself. I crossed my own lines constantly. A healthy boundary with myself means I take responsibility for my actions without condemning myself. I rest without feeling guilty. I tell myself the truth without exaggeration. I am learning to stop crossing my own lines and calling it okay.

When I run myself down, I feel it. I feel it in my body, in my attitude, and in how I treat other people. This is not just about being tired. It is about how I am choosing to treat myself. I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to feel safe with myself so that I can trust myself. I am learning to slow down, to stop when I need to stop, and to take care of myself in a way that actually supports my recovery. That means I don’t keep pushing past my limits and calling it good. I am responsible for how I treat myself.

Prayer
Father, help me treat myself the way You treat me. Show me where I push too far. Teach me to slow down, to rest, and to live in a way that supports my recovery. I want to be safe with myself so I can trust myself. Thank You. Amen.

Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.

The Problem Could Be Me

I Need To Change

Recovery started working when I stopped trying to change others and started looking honestly at myself.

Each person must examine his own actions. Then he can be proud of his own accomplishments and not compare himself to others. Assume your own responsibility. Galatians 6:4–5

When I first came into recovery, I was looking for relief from the pain I was carrying. I knew I needed help, but I still wanted to do things my way. Control had helped me survive growing up in an alcoholic home, so it was the only way I really knew how to approach life. I truly wanted things to get better. But if I’m honest, what I really wanted was for the pain to stop.

So early on I tried to do recovery on my own. I bought a step book and started answering the questions by myself. I thought I was doing what everyone else was talking about. I was becoming aware that I had problems that were not going to resolve themselves automatically. I was motivated to find the answer so I could go home and fix things myself. But I still wanted recovery to happen on my terms. My way. That was part of the problem. I didn’t come into recovery to change myself. I came looking for relief from the hurt and damage I was feeling. What I didn’t understand yet was that recovery was never meant to be worked alone. The people who were finding the kind of freedom I wanted were not doing it by themselves. They were working the steps with sponsors and learning to let the group help them see things they could not see on their own.

I can still remember the moment vividly. It was after a meeting during what we often call the meeting after the meeting. I can still see the dimly lit room, the literature table set up against the wall and me standing next to it. I was speaking with two members of the group that I had gotten to know. They had been trying to share something with me for several weeks, and that night it finally got through. This was all about me changing me. If this was going to work, I needed to do it for me. My healing would come when I focused on myself instead of the person I was trying to fix. When I first came to recovery, it was not to change me. It was to find out how to fix the problem. It was to get relief from the hurt and pain I was in. But it wasn’t until that moment that I considered the possibility that the problem could be me. That is when I began to focus on changing me.

That realization opened the door to a new way of living. The change did not happen overnight and to say it was always easy would be a lie. But I will say it has definitely been worth it. After finding a sponsor and doing step work with him, I started to see small changes. Over time those small changes led to bigger ones. Today I understand something I could not see back then. I cannot change if I don’t want to. I must first be willing. Then, when I become willing to change, God begins creating something new in me. I can feel and see the transformation. I am becoming a new person. I like who I am now. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me keep my focus on changing me instead of trying to fix others. Give me the willingness and courage to make the changes You show me. Amen.

Wherever I Go, There I Am

New thinking. New life

I am not stuck with my old thinking forever. When I change my thinking, my life begins to change too.

Let God change you inside by giving you a new way of thinking. Then you will know what God wants you to do. And you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. Romans 12:2

I used to automatically do things because that was how I had always done them. Even when something inside me said, don’t do this, it’s not right, I would speak back to myself and say, I made my mind up. I can’t change it without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Once I decided something, I believed I had to follow through no matter what the consequences were. It was like I was stuck and could not break free. There were no alternatives. I had made up my mind and that was that. My thinking. I cannot escape from my own thinking. It goes with me everywhere. Wherever I go, there I am.

Looking back now, I can see that this is one of the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home and developing the sick thinking that I have. Certain reactions became automatic. Certain ways of handling things just felt normal to me. Even when those ways were not healthy. So what are my options? Do I even have any? Or am I doomed in life to keep repeating the same cycle of sickness forever? Do I have to keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same disappointing results? Never changing. Somehow, deep inside, I sort of always knew there were other options. I saw my friends’ and classmates’ families. I visited their homes. Their family situations seemed much different. They behaved much different too. As I grew older, I would occasionally have an awareness that there might be other options available to me, but I had no knowledge or experience of how to realize that change. What do I do? How do I do whatever it is that needs to be done? And do I have the courage to take action and follow through once I find out? That is where recovery comes in.

I was speaking with my sponsor about this and that’s when I had the aha moment. Before recovery I seemed unable to change my mind. Once I made my mind up about something I believed I had to do it. But since joining recovery and working the steps, my thinking has gradually begun to change. I realized that I am not a victim any longer. I may have been a victim growing up as a child, but I am no longer a child. I am no longer living in that home with my family of origin. I do have choices now. I can change my mind if I want to and whenever I want to. I am no longer trapped believing I must do something simply because I decided it before. I can change my mind and not feel guilty for it. I don’t know why I felt guilt for it either, but I did. But no longer. Changing my mind does not mean I did something wrong.

By working the steps with my sponsor, my thinking is constantly changing. When my thinking changes, then my behaviors change. When my behaviors change, then my life changes too. The great news is that now I can change my mind whenever I want. It’s my mind for heaven’s sake. That brings me hope and so much optimism for the future. I now have peace and happiness that stays with me. If I feel them start to drift, I just change my thinking and my feelings begin to change with it. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me that my thinking can change. Help me recognize when old patterns try to return. Teach me to keep surrendering my thoughts to You so that my life can continue to change. Amen.

The Leading Role

Stepping Into My Own Life

Recovery helps me move from watching life happen to actually living it.

What helped you step forward instead of staying on the sidelines?

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came to give life—life in all its fullness.
John 10:10

I was watching the movie The Holiday, and one scene really stood out to me. There’s a moment where a woman named Iris finally hears the truth she’s been starving for. She has spent years attached to someone who never chooses her, surviving on just enough attention to keep her hooked but never enough for a real relationship. She keeps diminishing herself and settling for less, convinced she somehow deserved her fate and was not worthy of real love. One day she opens up about it to an older man she has befriended, Arthur, a retired screenwriter. After listening to her story, he says something simple but profoundly powerful: “In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You’re a leading lady, but for some reason you’re behaving like the best friend.” The words hit unexpectedly. As it sinks in, she says out loud, “I ought to be the leading lady of my own life.” Arthur was not criticizing her. He was helping her see something she had been blind to. She had been living like a side character in her own story, letting someone else’s choices define her worth and value. It is really a moment about identity. It is about waking up to the truth that you matter.

That line stayed with me. I realized I had faced something similar, something I never saw before recovery. Was I living like a background character in my own life? I asked myself, How often have I been the audience instead of the participant? How often have I stood by like a bystander and simply let life happen around me? Before recovery those kinds of questions would never have crossed my mind. I simply reacted to life, often stuck in old patterns of thinking that kept me passive, discouraged, or disconnected. I reacted. I survived. I managed chaos. I tried to earn love and avoid pain. Somewhere along the way I learned to stay small. I stopped expecting much. Most of the time I assumed the worst before anything even happened. I spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else while ignoring my own feelings and needs. Looking back now, I can see how easily I let other people’s choices define how I felt about myself. I did not even realize I was doing it. But God did not create me to live in the shadows of my own life.

Recovery has given me something I did not have before. It has given me awareness. It helps me slow down and look honestly at what is really happening instead of what I tell myself is happening. I am learning to respond differently now. Little by little, recovery is helping me step into my own life instead of standing on the sidelines watching it pass by. For a long time I lived as if life was happening around me instead of something I was meant to live. But my life was never meant to be lived by someone else. It is my life. And with God’s help I am learning to live it.

Prayer

Father, help me live my life fully. Show me where I draw back. Give me the courage to step forward into the life You have for me. Thank You. Amen.

Asking Instead of Assuming

Clearing the Air

Fear tries to fill in the blanks when things are uncertain. My recovery tools help me slow down and face things directly.

He who gives an answer before he hears, it is foolish and a cause of shame to him. Proverbs 18:13

Last week my boss had a meeting with two department heads who report to me. I was not invited to the meeting, and that hurt my feelings. The meeting was about bringing on a new doctor, which normally falls under my responsibility. When I heard about it, I felt upset and a little afraid. I started wondering if there was a reason I was not included. After the meeting my boss told me everything they had discussed, but it still bothered me. That is when I had the thought, I have recovery tools now. I wonder which recovery principle or tool could help me with this situation? I paused and thought about my options.

In the past I would’ve just gone on and not asked why I wasn’t included. I would’ve continued as everything was normal, all the while wondering why and holding resentment. This time, I decided to ask why I wasn’t invited to the meeting. There could be a perfectly valid reason that had nothing to do with me. At the same time, my mind quickly jumped to fear. What if I’m being replaced? What if they no longer need me? That threatens my security. It hits deeper. It triggered my core defect of feeling I’m not good enough. When that shows up, I know that this is about me and not what’s happening. So, I did what I learned in recovery. I prayed about it and wrote about it. I asked God for guidance. What became clear was that I struggle with uncertainty. It is the worst for me. When things are left hanging in the air, my mind will fill in the blanks, usually with fear. The tools of recovery give me a practical way to approach this. The solution was to simply ask the question.

Recovery has taught me that I can ask a question without being accusatory, without sarcasm, and without putting anyone else down. A simple inquiry. And then, be willing to accept the response without being defensive. I resisted the urge to ask the department heads their opinion, so as not to cause division or gossip. I asked my boss simply, calmly and directly, why I wasn’t included in the meeting. I was told that it was not meant to exclude me. That is why I was informed afterward about everything that was covered. But because they had spent more time talking about medical procedures, it didn’t pertain to me. I still didn’t like that I was not included, but I understood and I felt like I handled it not just professionally, but in a healthier way than I would have before.

Before recovery, I would never have asked why I wasn’t included. I would have let that cloud of uncertainty hang over my head indefinitely. I am grateful for my recovery. It helps me address things directly instead of letting them continually spin in my mind. I feel like I fit into the world and I can move forward. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the recovery tools You have given me. Help me to slow down and not give in to fear. Help me to seek You for guidance. Give me courage to address things that I used to avoid and the wisdom to know how to do it. Thank You for helping me grow and learn healthier ways to live. Amen.

Maybe I Can Do Five Minutes

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

Maybe I can do five minutes. That thought came to me during one of the most overwhelming seasons of my life. My mind had been running nonstop with fear and worst-case scenarios. What am I going to do now? Where will I live? My life is over. I could not focus at work. I could barely think straight. My mind was stuck in a nonstop loop, cycling through these questions over and over. I could not turn it off.

At the time, I was brand new to recovery and I remember reading the line on the Just For Today bookmark that said, “Just for today, I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.” My immediate reaction was disbelief. I even questioned where the care and acceptance were in this idea. Twelve hours? No way! I cannot even do one hour. I couldn’t even handle fifteen minutes. But then a small thought rose up in me: maybe I can do five minutes. I wasn’t even sure I could do that. Then another small thought crept up: Maybe I could at least try it? So, for five minutes I decided not to think about everything that was scaring me. I purposely thought about good things and things I wanted instead of what I didn’t want. When the worries came back, I tried another five minutes. What surprised me was how those small pieces of time began to stretch. Five minutes became ten. Then fifteen, then thirty. Then longer. Somewhere in that process God was helping me even when I didn’t know it. He was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He found a way to get through my own poor me thinking, where I was stuck feeling sorry for myself, so that I could embrace a new way of thinking and a new way of life. The little bit of recovery I had was already working and I didn’t even realize it at the time. New thoughts? Try something on my own? What a concept… What a gift!

Recovery still works that way for me today. When my mind starts racing or life feels overwhelming and out of control, I try to embrace this same type of thinking. I come back to that lesson. I remind myself I do not have to solve all of life’s problems today. I only need to take the next right step. I have learned that progress rarely happens all at once. It usually happens one small choice at a time. Five minutes at a time. One step at a time. Today I can do something for a short time that would appall me if I thought I had to do it forever.

Reflection
What small amount of time can I commit to right now to get through a hard moment?