Not Good Enough?

Thinking Accurately

Sometimes the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me I’m not enough. Recovery has taught me to question that voice, inventory it, and replace it with truth. This is what learning to think accurately looks like.

Think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.
Romans 12:3

My wife and I have been talking about possibly moving to another area that would be closer to family. It’s a very big decision. I like my job and I like what I do. So I started looking at similar job opportunities in that area. I found several openings that match exactly what I already do. Same field. Same responsibilities. Same level. On paper, there is no difference. It is the exact same thing I am doing now. But in my mind, there is. I found myself hesitating, pulling back, and closing the page because I believed I wasn’t qualified.

I began thinking those positions were far more important than what I do now. Those companies must be more professional. The job must be bigger, more demanding, more significant. Even though I hold the same title and do the same work, I started believing I might not be qualified to do it somewhere else. That I might not measure up. That I might not perform at the level they would expect. I realized I was looking down on my own performance, quietly labeling my role as not good enough. That felt familiar, and I didn’t like the way it felt. Then I heard my sponsor’s voice in my head asking, What is the common denominator? Of course I know the answer. Me. I am seeing myself as less than again.

In my current role, I have seen real success. Under my leadership we have reached milestones the company had never reached before. We implemented strategies and achieved goals they had wanted for years but never could accomplish. I have been told directly that my leadership made the difference. That made me feel good. I felt like I was doing a good job and appreciated. Yet when I imagine doing the same job somewhere else, something inside me whispers, You’re not good enough. That surprised me. As I reflected on it, I began to meditate and pray. Then I did some writing. I was struck with my character defect of feeling not good enough. It’s right there, staring me in the face.

Recovery has taught me the only way through this is through it. It’s not just going to happen automatically. So I decided to stop and inventory what is actually there. I have done many physical inventories in my career and I understand the concept. An inventory does not judge the items on the shelf. It simply acknowledges what is there. When I apply that honestly to my life, I see that I have strengths, not just weaknesses. I have qualities I look for when I interview other candidates. I have experience. I have perseverance. I have a proven track record. I also have fear. But fear is just another inventory item. It does not get to override the reality of everything else that is there.

Today, after doing an honest inventory and applying recovery principles, I can name it for what it is: a character defect rooted in feeling not good enough. I never would have seen that before recovery. I would not have questioned that inner voice. I would have believed it was who I was. It does not just disappear. But I am aware of it now, and it no longer controls me. I recognize it, name it, face it, and release it. Humility is not thinking less of myself. It is thinking accurately about myself. God has brought healing in my life and walked me through years of growth, challenges, and victories. To deny what He has done in me is not humility. It is another layer of denial. Now, instead of believing that voice, I choose to live in the truth of what God has done in me. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me when old patterns try to hinder me and keep me stuck. You are my source and strength. You always see me through. Help me to see myself the way You see me. When old voices rise up, remind me of the work You have already done in me. Give me the courage to live in Your truth and not shrink back in fear. Amen.

Not My Own Higher Power

Restored Through Love

For years I tried to fix what only love could heal. Step Two slowed me down and reminded me I am not my own higher power.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I was recently speaking with my sponsor about Step 2. We are working through the steps again. He asked what my thoughts were about my higher power. Thinking I knew the answer and where we were going, I started telling him about God being my higher power and describing what I believed about Him. He stopped me and said very plainly, “We don’t get to God until Step 3. We are talking about Step 2. I asked you to tell me about your higher power.” I paused. I was already jumping ahead in my mind. We were not talking about surrendering to God’s will. We were talking about believing that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He was slowing me down to think about what that actually means instead of assuming. He gave me an assignment to describe the qualities and characteristics of my higher power.

This was harder than I expected. I had to stop thinking about the attributes of God and instead think about what I need from a higher power to restore me to sanity. I had to change my perspective. Here is what I came up with. My higher power is loving, caring, and accepting. He understands me and listens to me. He comforts me and gives me strength when I am weak and overwhelmed. When I do not know what to do, He gives me guidance. He is bigger and more powerful than me, more knowledgeable and smarter than me. My higher power is not me. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can bring healing and sanity into my life. He works in my life as I surrender and believe. My higher power loves me unconditionally.

What I concluded is that I need a higher power to help me. I cannot change on my own. For years I tried to do it myself. I made myself my own higher power. In Step 1 I learned that I was powerless over the effects of alcohol. In Step 2 I learn that I need a power greater than me to help me be free. As I listed the qualities I was looking for, I realized something. Everything I described had to do with being loved and accepted. That is where many of my character defects begin. At the core are two lies I believe about myself and have carried with me for years: I am not good enough, and I am not wanted. I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself and earn the love and acceptance I lacked growing up. In doing that, I had inadvertently made myself my own higher power. I tried to fix what only love could heal.

To be restored to sanity, I needed more than I could do on my own. I needed to know I was loved. The qualities I described about my higher power speak directly to that need. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. Not me. When I believe in a power like that, my thinking shifts. I no longer have to prove myself. I no longer have to try and be good enough. I can believe that I am accepted and wanted. I am loved. That is where my healing begins and sanity returns. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

God, thank You for accepting me as I am. Help me to be honest about my needs. I still struggle with feeling wanted and loved. I know in my head that You offer unconditional love. Please allow me to be able to see and feel it. Amen

Waking Up

Awareness Is The Beginning

Easier isn’t always better.

Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light. Ephesians 5:14

I was watching the movie The Matrix and thinking about the scene where Neo is offered a choice between the red pill and the blue pill. The red pill represents truth and having your eyes opened. The blue pill represents continuing on as you are. There’s a scene where Cipher says, Why didn’t I take the blue pill? I can relate to that in my recovery. Breaking through denial and seeing reality did not automatically fix everything. It simply made me aware that I needed to change. That was not what I thought I was signing up for when I first came.

Just like in the movie, there are intense battles that I had been oblivious to before. There is pain. There is the shock of realizing things are not what I thought they were. And then there is something harder. Seeing myself as I really am instead of who I thought I was. Awareness is uncomfortable. Identification is humbling. But change is where the real work begins. I began to realize how much work recovery would require. It was a huge learning curve. And there was unlearning too. That may have been the hardest part. I did not just need awareness. I needed change. Having my eyes opened was only the start.

I remember having similar thoughts when I was doing my Fourth Step moral inventory. Why did I agree to this? It was hard, laborious, and painful. I did not want to think about the things I had tried so hard to forget. And then to honestly see my part in all of it. I did not sign up for that. I have heard others say life was better before recovery and working through the steps. I understand the feeling. But was it really? For me it wasn’t better. It may have been easier. So much easier. But it definitely wasn’t better.

I came to my first meeting on my own, looking for some self help answers and a way to fix my family. What I found were people who had been where I was, sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Honestly, I could not have done this on my own. I am grateful there were people in those rooms doing their own step work, especially those living out the Twelfth Step. They did not tell me what to do. They pointed me in the right direction. Start with surrender. Ask God for help. Stop trying to fix everyone else and start working on the person in the mirror. That is not a cliché. It is real. It is what helped me break free.

Yes, there was a time when I wondered why I joined recovery and whether it was doing any good. But then I looked at what was different. I had peace. I was happier. I had real friendships. When I looked in the mirror, I was beginning to like who I saw. There’s a hope that wasn’t there before. And that hope feels good. Really good. Life still gets hard, but I do not face it the same way. Recovery has given me tools. God has given me strength. That did not happen overnight. It came from staying awake, doing the work, and trusting God in the process. I am so glad I am here. Waking up was hard, painful, and ugly, but it brought healing and led me back to God.

Reflection
Am I choosing what feels easier, or what I know is better?

Feeding My Recovery

My Daily Bread

I cannot live on the recovery I had last year. Today I choose to feed my recovery.

Give us this day our daily bread. Matthew 6:11

I once read that the human body can survive about forty days without food before starvation sets in, and only about three days without water. That stayed with me. Food and water are not optional. They are necessities that keep my body alive. At many recovery meetings I’ve attended, we close by reciting the Lord’s Prayer. One line always stands out to me: give us today our daily bread. It is such a simple reminder. I have to eat to live. I have to drink to survive. I cannot live today on the food I ate last year. I might get by for a little while without food, but eventually if I don’t eat, I would starve to death.

What is true in the natural is also true in my spiritual life. Whether it is my relationship with God or my recovery, the principle is the same. I need spiritual food and water to survive. For me, that means doing step work with my sponsor and reading recovery literature, including the Bible. That is my food. It gives me nourishment and knowledge. Attending meetings, sharing with others, talking with my sponsor, and prayer are like water. They refresh me. They keep me encouraged. I need both to stay healthy in my recovery. I cannot live on the recovery I had last year. Even if I have twenty years of sobriety, if I am not doing the work today, my recovery will shrivel up and die. It will starve. It will become dehydrated. I open the door to relapse.

This thought may sound harsh and seem unsettling at first, but it actually gives me comfort. I am not a victim. I am not someone sitting around waiting to die. I have choices. I can read something that challenges me. I can attend a meeting. I can call my sponsor. I can pray. These are not small things. They are how I stay alive in recovery. And today I choose to take the next right action. I choose to practice this program. When I do, something shifts. I find more peace. I feel balanced. I do not swing from one extreme to another. I feel steady and grounded. Today I choose to feed my recovery.

Reflection

Am I living on yesterday’s recovery, or am I feeding it today?

Ask How, Not Why

Stop asking why. Start asking how. Then take the next right step.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. James 1:22

Not long ago I received some unpleasant and alarming news about my health. It was unnerving. I was scared. My mind drifted to the worst-case scenario. I convinced myself I would be disabled, that my life as I knew it was over. None of that was true, but that is where my thinking took me. I fell into a depression for several months. I kept asking why this was happening to me. I am a good person. This is not fair. I thought I was practicing acceptance, but in reality I was resisting it and slipping into fatalism, something I do not believe in. I had not accepted anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I became reclusive. I was hard to be around. I was edgy and filled with anger. I was stuck. Prayer was hard. I did not want to talk to God. My belief system was challenged.

I was discussing my situation with my mentor, and he questioned the mindset I had slipped into. He challenged the assumption that I was disabled or that my life was over. That bothered me. I did not like being questioned. But I knew he was right. It forced me to examine myself and stop being defiant toward God. Deep down I knew He was my only help, so I began to pray again. As I talked to God about my situation, like He did not already know, I sensed Him ask, Why don’t you put into practice what you believe? I knew exactly what He meant. I had stopped practicing my spiritual disciplines. I was not using my recovery tools. I kept insisting that I needed to know why this was happening. But would knowing why actually move me forward? No. I knew I needed to move out of the why, but I did not know how. So I began asking how. How can I get unstuck? How can I change my mindset? How can I move forward from here?

What I discovered was that the how required action. I used the same recovery tools I already had and applied them to this new situation. I worked the steps around my health and diagnosis. I took small practical steps each day. As I shifted from why to how, my mindset shifted too. I accepted the situation for what it was instead of the catastrophe I had imagined. I stopped running from God and returned to my spiritual disciplines. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. The depression lifted. I began taking care of myself again. I found peace in the middle of chaos.

There are still days when I am tempted to ask why, but why has become irrelevant to me in my recovery. It keeps me where I am. Why is about the past and how is about the future. I have decided to live looking forward instead of looking back. When I ask how, I act. And action moves me out of paralysis and back into recovery.

Prayer

Lord, help me stop getting lost in the whys. Help me seek You in the how. Show me how to act, grow, and recover. Give me the courage to move forward in Your strength. Amen.

GOD’S HEARING AIDES

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

God has placed safeguards for us. These safeguards serve more than one purpose. They help us stay safe “so we are not lead astray by every wind of doctrine” (Ephesians 4:14), they help us stay strong against the enemy, they help us “rightly dividing His Word” (2 Timothy 2:15), they help us hear Him better (Hebrews 5:14), they help us develop our own fruit (John 15:5) (fruit of the spirit and spiritual fruit – two different things – but that’s another lesson), they help us to “tune in” to His frequency.

HIS FREQUENCY

The description of a radio is a great example of how this works. Think of a radio station. It is always broadcasting. If I am unable to hear station 99.1 on my radio, I have to do some troubleshooting to figure out why. Do I have a proper radio that will pick up the frequency? Do I have an antenna? And is the antenna the right kind? Am I connected to a power source either electric current or battery-operated? Do I have the radio turned on? Is the radio tuned to the correct channel and band (AM or FM)? Once I have the signal, is it fine-tuned to pick it up clearly? Do I have the volume set to the right level? Each one of these things can cause me to not be able to hear the broadcast coming from the station. Or to not hear it clearly. I do not think anyone would automatically assume the station was not broadcasting if they couldn’t hear the station. It is the same way with God. He is always broadcasting – He is always speaking to us. If we are not able to hear Him, then we need to first check our “equipment” to make sure it’s not broken and it’s working properly and make sure that it is plugged into the power source and tuned to the correct channel.

In this analogy, our equipment or radio is our born-again conscience, the Word of God, and praying in the spirit. Our equipment is also a safeguard for us to keep us on the correct path and make sure we do not tune into a different channel or be misled or deceived in any way.

SAFEGUARDS

Let us talk about some of these safeguards. There are many safeguards God has set in order, to help and guide us. The list below is by no means exhaustive, but merely a few examples to help us think about things differently. When we begin to think from a kingdom mindset then we demonstrate the true repentance that both John the Baptist and Jesus preached. For the Kingdom of Heaven is surely “at hand”.

His Word
Our Born-Again Conscience
Praying in the Spirit
Holy Spirit
Meditating
Worship
Peace
Spiritual Mentors (Discipleship – not TV/ Radio ministers) – Relationship is involved.

For this lesson, we will address His Word and our born-again conscience. In the next chapter, we will cover praying in the spirit.

HIS WORD

Although to some it may seem self-evident that God’s word would be a basic safety net when wanting to hear from God, even though it may seem this way, many people do not connect the dots and do not understand this concept.

Having a basic understanding of God’s word helps us to know when God is speaking to us. We have a measurement tool to use and verify if the content is from the same source. We take what we hear or perceive and hold it up next to God’s word and see if they say the same or similar thing.

My son, give attention to my words; Incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your eyes; Keep them in the midst of your heart; For they are life to those who find them, And health to all their flesh. Proverbs 4:20-22 Amplified

As we incline our ears to His Word and give priority to His word, His word will be life and health to our flesh.

I have restrained my feet from every evil way, That I may keep Your word. Psalm 119:101

This says that we must restrain ourselves from evil so that we can keep His word.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

His word sheds light on our path which means He leads us and directs and guides us. A lamp to our feet means we will not stub our toe or stumble because the light is on our feet where we walk. This shows us that not only does God give us broad big picture direction, but He will also give us the small details and make sure that where we go is lit up. Of course, we have to listen to and obey His word to see this result.

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.John 15:3

His word makes us clean and pure. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” We are clean and pure before God when we hear His word. This gives us confidence that we can come before Him with boldness.

Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away. Matthew 24:35

His word will never pass away. It says that Heaven and earth will pass away. We know from Revelation 21:1 that at the end of the age, heaven and earth will pass away and there will be a new heaven and a new earth. But His word will remain. He is the Word.

These verses above outline for us some of the ways that doing this protects us and keeps us safe. God’s words bring us life and health, they keep us from evil, and they shed light on our path so we will know God’s will for our lives. They keep us clean, and pure in our minds and souls. And they can be counted on and relied upon until the end of time – forever.

God and His word are One. Jesus is the Word of God. (John 1:1) The Word of God is God. I am not referring to the ink, paper, and binding of a book, but the words contained on the pages. The Spirit of those words. Imagine the more you know God’s word, the more you know God. I would like to add a caveat to that statement. What does it mean to know God’s word? I do not mean just being able to read, memorize and recite words. The word must get inside of you, it must be real and come alive. The word is a light that “shines in the darkness” of your heart and mind (John 1:5) “until the day dawns, and the morning star rises in your heart” (2 Peter 1:19). When this happens, it brings a spiritual understanding and establishes what you have heard. This is also called a revelation. Paul refers to this as having the eyes of your understanding enlightened so that you may know His will. (Ephesians 1:18)

Have you ever heard the phrase “it just dawned on me”? This verse in 2 Peter is where that phrase comes from. And when someone uses that phrase, they are referring to something that just became aware to them in their mind. Something they were not previously thinking about or may not have understood. Then suddenly a light bulb goes off on the inside and a fresh new perspective arises inside. That is the day dawning in your heart. That is revelation straight from God.

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

The Highest Power

Admitting I am powerless doesn’t make me weak. It connects me to the Highest Power.
When I draw near to Him, He draws near to me.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God. By that I mean I believed that God existed, He created everything, He was all-powerful, Jesus was His Son and He died on the cross and rose again and was the way to eternal life in heaven. But beyond that I didn’t have a relationship with God. In my thinking God was distant and removed, He didn’t interact in my life on a regular basis, let alone daily. I remember the day that I finally saw more and surrendered my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior. It was amazing. But if I am honest, I didn’t change the way I viewed God. He was still distant and off in the future, He wasn’t here and now. The principles of recovery walked me through a process where I began to see God more intimately involved in my daily life. Developing a personal relationship with Him is what working a recovery program is all about. I saw Him as the One True Higher Power.

It was the admission that I am powerless over my addictions or compulsive behaviors that opened me up to reach out to the fullness of God. When I asked for His power to help and heal me, I began to understand that He wants to transform me. He does so by filling my life with His love, His joy, His hope, and His presence. I learned in Steps 1 and 2 that I needed to turn my attention away from myself and instead turn it toward God. This would be my turning point. This is where healing and freedom began for me. I felt overwhelmed and stranded when I realized that I can’t heal myself. Considering I needed divine help was scary. God is the only one who has the power to replace my chaos with freedom, and I had no idea how He would close that distance.

Of course, He knew long before I did what was needed. That is why He sent Jesus to demonstrate God’s love and power here on earth. He saved me from the grip of sin and the destruction it was bringing into my life. He gave an example of how to live out that relationship with God on a daily basis. He was tempted in every area and in every way that I am, but without failure and without sin. He is not just my higher power. He is the Highest Power, because He has conquered all life can dish out. He did that for me so I could experience freedom and intimacy with Him in my own life. When I acknowledge my own powerlessness, I see His power sustaining me daily no matter what I face.

Today, admitting my powerlessness does not make me feel weak. Instead, it is exactly how I draw strength. When I surrender to God, He does not leave me stranded to face my challenges alone. I am not abandoned. He is present and active in my life. He no longer feels distant. I know He is with me. This happens when I stop resisting Him. It may seem like the opposite of what I should do, but it is simply an act of faith. I am learning that this is what trusting Him looks like. When I give up control and surrender to Him, I receive Him. He is the Highest Power.

Prayer

Lord, I give up control again today. I confess that I cannot heal myself or carry this life alone. Draw me close to You and help me stay close. When I feel weak, remind me that Your strength is enough. Thank You for being the Highest Power in my life. Amen.

The Root of It

The Real Issue

The addiction was visible. The character flaws were underneath. Real change began at the root.

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

When I first walked through the doors of recovery, I thought I was coming to save my marriage. That was my focus. I was convinced that if things could just change at home, everything would settle down. But by following the suggestion to keep coming back, I began to see something I wasn’t expecting. The problem wasn’t just my marriage. It was me. At the core of my reason for coming were my character flaws. I was wounded and emotionally hurt in ways I had ignored for years, and that pain seeped into every area of my life, causing conflict and hostility in all of my relationships. Once I saw that I needed to work on fixing me instead of everyone else, something shifted. I started to deal with my pain. My issues. My flaws.

Like most of us, I didn’t seek help until something was clearly out of control in my life. Addiction was the obvious problem. It was visible. It was measurable. It was causing damage I could no longer deny. Sometimes others had pointed it out before, but I never listened, even though deep down I knew they were right. I came looking for help in the area that was causing the most pain. But after I had been in recovery for a while, I started to see what had been driving it all along. The addiction was not the root. It was the symptom. The real trouble had been living inside me for years. My people pleasing. My anger. My insecurity. My need to control outcomes. If I did not deal with those things, I would just trade one problem for another. I would stay stuck. The bad news is that I have character flaws. I was a people pleaser. I struggled with control and manipulation. I carried latent anger. At first, I did not recognize any of this. In my heart I wanted to live my life fully committed to God, but ignoring these issues kept me from doing that.

As I continued in recovery, I started to see this wasn’t just my story. The outward problem may look different for each of us, but what sits underneath is often familiar. Addiction may be what is visible, but it rarely begins there. The behaviors show up on the outside, but the roots usually run much deeper, in the character flaws we all carry.

I had to acknowledge these flaws in my own life and offer them to God. No more blaming. No more pretending. I started with the issue causing the most pain, and then I began facing the smaller areas He revealed to me. It wasn’t instant, and it wasn’t easy, but it was honest. The change didn’t come from trying harder. It came from surrender. As I stayed willing and kept bringing these parts of myself to Him, something began to shift inside me. I did my part. He did His. And as He began changing me from the inside out, I found that I could finally live my life fully committed to God, not just in words, but in the way I actually lived. And that has brought me peace and happiness that remains to this day.

Prayer

Father, show me what is underneath. Help me stop blaming and start surrendering. Give me the courage to face my flaws and trust You to change me from the inside out. Amen.

Serenity Prayer

A Guided Prayer Meditation

Serenity Prayer is not just words I repeat in meetings. It is more than that. It has become a new way of thinking, practicing surrender, and living my life each day. This is how I practice it in real life. I use the full prayer.

God,

God is the source of my help, not me. I need help from a power greater than me. (Step 1) He is God and I am not.

Grant me the Serenity

I need peace and sanity in my life and I cannot get it by myself or I would already possess it. I am insane. I have crazy thinking. Things either now are or will get chaotic beyond my control.

To accept the things I cannot change.

My challenge is acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. I cannot change things no matter how much I think I might be able to.

The courage to change the things I can,

Change is not easy. It is actually very hard. That is why it takes courage, courage which I do not possess on my own. I need God to give me courage. After I accept whatever it is that I can change, then I need to confront it with God’s help.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I need God’s wisdom to help me know what I have control over and what I do not. The wisdom to know what I need to change and what I cannot change.

Living one day at a time,

It helps me to take things in small chunks. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Confucius. I can do something for a few hours that I would not be able to do if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.

Enjoying one moment at a time;

I need God’s help to enjoy life, to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally stop while I am walking and bend over and smell the flowers. Not just figurative talk. I need to enjoy life and not be so negative.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

I do not like this part of the prayer. I do not want any hardship at all. Ever. But that is unrealistic thinking and it sets me up for future resentments. So I ask God to help me accept hardship and then ask Him to show me a pathway toward peace in the midst of it.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;

This tells me that Jesus practiced acceptance too. He lived and operated in this sinful world and as it was. He did God’s will in the midst of chaos and evil.

Not as I would have it;

He did not insist that everyone do it His way, even though His way was God’s way. He allowed people to make their own choices. He accepted and loved them anyway, even though they did things against God’s will and His plan. I need to release my demand that others live according to my expectations.

Trusting

I ask God to help me trust. Sometimes trusting Him is easy and sometimes trusting Him is very hard. The man in the Bible said, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24). After I learn to trust God, it becomes easier to start trusting others. Something I never did before recovery.

That You will make all things right

I can trust that He cares about me and for me. He is a loving, caring God who will bring good and make wrong things right if I surrender to Him and His will.

If I surrender to Your will;

Surrender is the key. I need to raise the white flag and surrender to God and to His will, holding up both hands in a humble posture.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

Happiness is a choice. Some say happiness is temporary but joy is eternal. I believe I can be reasonably happy, and many times very happy, in this life while still living in lasting joy.

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Nothing gives more peace than knowing my eternal destiny is secure. That at the end of my life here on earth, I will go to heaven and be with Him forever.

AMEN

Amen means so be it. Let it happen. Or as I have heard in meetings, Let it begin with me.

Not An A-La-Carte Recovery

There Are No Shortcuts to Surrender

Recovery works when I stop trying to customize my own program and start trusting His path.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5–6

Recovery is not an a-la-carte program.
In meetings, I have often heard, “Take what you like and leave the rest,” or the saying about being as smart as an old cow, eating the hay and spitting out the sticks. Those sayings are helpful when it comes to personalities and opinions, but they were never meant to apply to the Twelve Steps themselves. I do not get to pick which steps or principles I will follow and which ones I will ignore. If I want the freedom and healing recovery promises, I have to follow the program the way it was designed, not the shortcut version I create to fit what I think is best. My best thinking will most often gravitate to something that doesn’t challenge me or require me to change.

When I start choosing how I will work my own recovery, instead of the one encouraged by my sponsor, I start to get squirrelly. My feelings start running my life. I may convince myself that it is wisdom, but it is really just another form of control. I learned early on that successful recovery stands on three pillars. These are simple, but non-negotiable practices: working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings regularly, and serving others. And yes, that means a human sponsor and meetings plural. Together they create the structure that helps me remain honest and continue to grow.

I might attend meetings but avoid doing step work. I might try to do step work without meetings. I might tell myself that God is my sponsor, so I do not have to be accountable to anyone else. I might skip steps, rush through them, or rearrange them to suit my preferences. Each time I do this, I am quietly saying that I know better than those who walked this path before me. That kind of pride produces limited results, slow growth, and repeated cycles or even relapse. I end up repeating the same mistakes and being forced to learn the same lessons because I refuse to walk the proven path that works. The one that has stood the test of time.

I have learned that recovery without God leaves me empty, and faith without practicing the steps leaves me unchanged. Real recovery happens when I invite God into every part of the process and use the tools He has already provided. Surrender is not just believing in God, it is trusting Him enough to follow the full solution. It is giving in and humbling myself not just to God but to the pillars of recovery. I cannot do it “My Way”. I did that before recovery. I need to do it His Way. To humble myself, accept the recovery solution and act on it. When I stop trying to force recovery based on my own understanding and stop managing the process, I can finally experience the freedom I was looking for, and the healing the program promises.

Reflection
Where am I still trying to control my recovery instead of fully surrendering to the program?

Old Hurts Resurfacing

Assuming Rarely Helps

Finding my part helps me surrender old hurts.

Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders, He’ll carry your load, He’ll help you out.
He’ll never let good people topple into ruin. Psalm 55:22

I had been trying to reach out to a friend because I knew he was going through a tough time. We are not best friends, but we are friendly, and I wanted to encourage him and maybe see if he wanted to grab coffee. I texted him, called him, and left messages, but he never responded, not once. After a while, it hurt. My feelings were hurt, I assumed he was ghosting me. I started wondering if I had done something wrong, if I had offended him somehow, or if he just did not want to be my friend anymore. I couldn’t figure out why he was ignoring me. This was not normal for him. In the past, he had always replied. In my mind, he had received every message and every call and had purposely chosen not to respond.

A couple of weeks later, I ran into another friend who is really close to him. I asked how he was doing and was told he was doing well, and then it was casually mentioned that he had a new phone number. That was it. He never received any of my messages at all. Everything I had assumed had nothing to do with me. And that is often how recovery is for me. Something happens, I get hurt, and my mind immediately fills in the story. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. I feel like I am not good enough. I take something that may not even involve me and turn it into proof that something is wrong with me. I decided to do some writing about this, and I quickly discovered that it was my character defects being stirred. When these old feelings surface, it is almost always my part. It is my thinking. And once I saw that, suddenly everything shifted in my mind. All the meaning I had assigned to the silence fell apart. That is how my thinking works when my character defects start to surface.

Before recovery, I would have kept calling and texting over and over. I would have tracked him down, even at his work, and pressed him for answers. My denial used to convince me that I was simply asking questions, but now I realize they were really accusations. That behavior never brought me peace. It never helped me feel better, only worse. More alienated and distant. Now I have another choice, a different response. I did not broadcast my hurt. I did not act on it. I used the slogan “Let Go And Let God” and I gave it over to the Lord. Even though the hurt was real, it was my issue to confront. I used the tools I have learned here in recovery, and I had peace and didn’t lose a friend. That is the gift of recovery in my life.

Prayer
God, help me to slow down and not jump to conclusions when my feelings get hurt. Show me my part and help me surrender my troubles to You and Your care. Remind me that You will carry me through every time. Amen.

There Is No Recovery Apart From God

He Was There All Along

I resisted recovery because I didn’t think God was in it. I was wrong.

Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

For a long time, I resisted recovery and spoke against it. I did not think God was in it. I believed it was built on humanistic ideology, self-effort, and spiritual language that replaced faith with psychology. Most of what I believed came from my own assumptions and from critics who, like me, had never actually done the work. I had strong opinions without firsthand knowledge. In my mind, choosing recovery meant compromising God. What I did not realize at the time was that I was rejecting something I had never honestly examined.

That changed when I finally read the literature for myself, especially the Big Book. What I found was not ambiguity but clarity. God is not hinted at. He is named. The Big Book explicitly identifies the Higher Power as God and rejects human self-sufficiency without apology. It states that human ideas failed and reliance on God succeeded. It forces the reader to face the proposition that God is everything or He is nothing, and it rejects neutrality altogether. Recovery is presented as dependent on seeking and relying on God, not as a supplement or optional aid. The steps themselves make this unmistakable. God is explicitly named and repeatedly appealed to. There is no recovery apart from God. That is not my conclusion. That is the text’s position.

Over time, I began to see a clear pattern in my own life. When I stayed close to God through prayer, meditation, honest journaling, and active work with my sponsor, I progressed steadily. When I drifted from God, my recovery drifted with me. What became undeniable was this: I would never recover if I did not put God first, not merely include Him. Recovery requires surrender to a Higher Power. The Big Book does not leave that Higher Power vague. It calls Him God. When God is treated as optional or unnamed, recovery tends to stall. When God is sought, healing follows. There is no recovery apart from God.

Prayer
Father God, apart from You I can do nothing. I no longer want to rely on my own ideas or strength. I choose to seek You first and surrender to You fully. Keep me close to You so my recovery and my life remain rooted in You alone. Amen.

My Crazy Thinking

My thoughts lied to me again… and God met me with truth, not shame.

He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and reveal the motives of people’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5

Last week at work a couple people requested vacation time, and I felt that little resentful reaction start to rise up in me. I want vacation too. It’s one of the benefits of my job, and it grows every year, which I really appreciate. My sponsor always reminds me to ask myself, “What’s my part?” and when I finally stopped to ask myself that, my thinking started to shift. I moved from “Why don’t I ever get vacation?” to “Why don’t I ever ask for it?” That was the moment I had to get honest with myself. I’m not a victim here. I’m the one who never asks for time off. I rarely request vacation unless it’s for an appointment or some obligation. So I used an old recovery tool and did a 4th step inventory on it. I sat and really thought about it. I prayed and asked God to show me. And I asked myself why I don’t ever ask to take the vacation time I’m given.

At first I only came up with the easy surface answers. Do I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility? No. That’s just pride pretending to be responsibility. Do I think I’m more important than I really am? Maybe. Then I stopped and asked myself, what am I actually feeling? I started noticing ideas like “What would they do if I wasn’t here?” or “Who is going to fix the problems that come up?” And that’s when fear showed up. I thought, “What if something needs to be done and I’m not there to do it?” I had convinced myself that my boss would be disappointed in me. Then the real fear hit me: “If they don’t need me, someone else could do my job. They might realize they don’t need me at all.” It brings up the old feelings that I’m replaceable, not wanted, and unloved. Underneath it all was the same familiar fear of rejection and fear of abandonment, pointing me right back to that old belief that I’m not good enough. It’s crazy thinking, I know, but don’t think at me like that. Step 2 says you’re insane too.

I’m grateful for recovery tools that help me slow down and notice when old thought patterns or uncomfortable feelings start to surface. I remind myself to ask questions like “What button is being pushed?” and “Which character defect is showing up?” After I answer these questions, I usually identify what’s going on and then deal with it. When I own that this is my issue, not anyone else’s, I begin to shift my perspective. The truth is the company survived many years before I got there, and it would survive without me there. As important as I like to think I am, they would figure it out. Once I saw that fear sat underneath the resentment, it became easier to surrender it to God and let it go. Then I made a decision to do the next right thing: ask for vacation and trust God with the outcome. And guess what? My request was granted, and I rested on my vacation without worrying about work or what might fall apart without me there to fix it. And I felt a solid peace inside because I know I handled it in a healthy way.

Prayer:
Father, thank You for showing me what was hidden under my resentment. Thank You for bringing the real motives of my heart into the light so I could see what I was afraid to face. Help me keep noticing the fears that try to run my thinking. Help me stay honest, willing, and surrendered. Give me the courage to take healthy steps, trust You with the outcome, and rest in the peace You give. Amen.

A Decision Followed By A Process

Forming New Habits

What God started in me needed action to take root.

Be made new in your hearts and in your thinking. Be that new person who was made to be like God, truly good and pleasing to him. Ephesians 4:23-24

I was reflecting on something I heard my wife say when she was sharing at a meeting. Recovery starts with a decision, but it is followed by a process. As I thought about that, I began to see how clearly it applied to my life. God set me free and delivered me from my addiction, but my behaviors did not automatically change overnight. Those behaviors had become habits, and habits do not disappear just because I had a spiritual awakening. The freedom was real, but I wanted it to be lasting. The process is what makes it stick. The decision is the planting, but doing the work is what allows it to take root. I am learning that lasting change requires a process I stay engaged with, not just a single moment I look back on.

I am realizing that renewing my mind is not a one time event. It is ongoing. It is daily. As I change how I think about situations, people, and myself, my reactions begin to change too. When I look back at times I struggled in my recovery, I can see a clear pattern. I had stepped away from the process. I was free from the substance and the behavior, but my thinking stayed the same. Without renewed thinking, old behaviors find their way back.

Working through the Twelve Steps is the process that proves the decision I made is real and has taken effect. It is the process God uses to renew my mind. The Steps gave me a way to live out that renewal in real life. Step by step, with my sponsor, I began to see myself more honestly. I took inventory of both my strengths and my defects. I faced where I had harmed others and where I was still holding onto resentment. I learned to offer forgiveness and to make amends. As I took those actions, my thinking began to change and continued to stay changed. New thoughts led to new responses, and new responses led to new habits. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, thank You for setting me free. Help me to always stay willing to renew my thinking each day, so that my actions continue to change and I can be the person You want me to be. I do not want to live in the past. I want to live out what You are doing in me today. Amen.

Slowing Down for Today

Surrender is not just about giving God my future. It is also about giving God my today.

Do not be shaped by this world. Instead, be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect. Romans 12:2

I remember the first time I worked the Steps with my sponsor. Yes, I did say first time. I moved through Steps One and Two quickly. Everything was going smoothly. In my mind, Step Three was already done. I had given my life to Christ as a teenager. I attended church regularly. I studied the Bible. I went to Bible college. I was licensed and ordained. I served in churches in many different ministry roles. I wasn’t new to the concept. So, I figured I could check off Step Three and move right on to Step Four. I told my sponsor, “I got this.”

My sponsor did not argue with me. He didn’t challenge my faith or question my sincerity. He simply suggested we slow down and do the work anyway. He said that if I was truly ready, the work would be easy. That surprised me. What I found was that while I had surrendered my life to Christ long ago, I still struggled with surrendering my will in the ways I thought I had. That started to become clear pretty quickly. Step Three took me weeks, while the first two steps had taken only days. I needed that slowdown, even though I did not realize it at the time. I am thankful God gave my sponsor the wisdom to slow me down and humble me.

What I began to see was how much my biblical knowledge had quietly replaced daily surrender. I had grown complacent. I had become confident in what I knew rather than attentive to how I lived. Pride and control showed up subtly. I assumed I had already completed Step Three because of my education and experience. My sponsor saw something I could not see yet, and God used him to interrupt my momentum. That interruption changed everything.

By slowing down and working the Steps in order, without skipping ahead, I learned something that reshaped my relationship with God. Step Three was not just about giving God my future. It was about giving Him my today too. When that shifted, everything else followed. My relationship with God transitioned from performance to grace and complete honesty. That made me ready to begin Step Four, an honest moral inventory.

Prayer
Lord help me to slow down and not rush ahead. I want to do things Your way and in order. Show me Your will for me and help me to carry it out. Amen.