Tag: fear

What’s Really Bothering Me

Looking At My Part

When I stop and ask why I’m really upset, the answer usually has nothing to do with the other person.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

Someone called off work on a really busy day. We were already short staffed coming off a weekend, and there was a lot going on. They didn’t say why, they just called off. I asked if they were sick and didn’t get a response. That frustrated me. And not just a little. It got under my skin. I felt myself getting angry. My mind started going right away. This is exactly the kind of thing that throws everything off. Now everyone else has to pick up the slack. Service slows down. People wait longer. It affects the whole team, the business, and our reputation. And in that moment, it felt like none of that mattered to them. And I start judging them. I start thinking, I would never do that. I would show up. I would push through. I would do what needs to be done. Why can’t other people do the same? That’s where my mind went.

I have learned in recovery that when I get worked up like that, I need to write about it. So I did. It has become my first go to. As I began writing, I was exploring my frustration and anger. Then I asked why. Why does this bother me so much? As I sat with those thoughts and got honest with myself, something else started to emerge. This wasn’t really about someone calling off work. This was about what gets set off inside me. I was upset because of how it made me look. Don’t they know how much time, energy and effort I have put into restoring our reputation? Don’t they know the sacrifices I have made here? My sponsor told me a long time ago, when I am angry ask myself what am I afraid of. Because those two are so closely connected and tied together. That is when I saw it. I was afraid of how this would reflect on me. My core issue was being hit. I was feeling like I am not good enough again.

So this whole rant about being frustrated over an employee calling off is really about me feeling like I am not good enough. I have found that every time I am upset, that feeling shows up. And it’s always about me. When I saw it this time, I actually chuckled and laughed out loud. That’s a different response than I used to have. Instead of staying frustrated, I kept the focus on me and why I was upset. I can’t control anyone else. Just me. The situation didn’t change. They still called off. We’re still short staffed. But I’m not carrying it around with me anymore. I can step back. I can breathe. I can let go of trying to control everyone else. I come back to me and focus on my part. That’s where I find peace now. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
What am I afraid of right now?

When I Am Afraid

Trusting God in the middle of fear.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. Psalm 56:3

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I did not want to admit that I was powerless or that my life was unmanageable. Even the suggestion actually made me angry. My sponsor told me that anger is a secondary emotion and that underneath it there is usually fear. He said fear often shows up when I am afraid of something happening or not happening. If I could identify the fear, it would help me deal with the anger. Even hearing that made me angry. I insisted that I was not afraid and not angry. As a Christian, those emotions felt unacceptable to me. In my mind, fear and anger meant a lack of faith.

What changed me was being confronted with the Scriptures that did not say what I thought they did. David said, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” David did not deny fear. He acknowledged that he had fear and how he dealt with it. Scripture also says, “Be angry, and do not sin.” I had always read that as “Do not ever be angry,” when in reality it was telling me what to do with anger when it shows up. My sponsor also gave me an acrostic for fear: Face Everything And Recover. So I decided to follow the program and the advice of my sponsor. I asked myself an honest question. What am I afraid of?

That question exposed something deeper. I realized I was afraid because I had a core belief that I was not good enough. I spent years, trying so hard to be good enough to be loved and accepted by anyone, that I subconsciously thought I could buy it from God through my good actions and beliefs. But I was deceived by this thought process. I had never been fully honest with myself or with God about my fear. I denied I had fear because of my biblical knowledge. Once I finally admitted that I was afraid and needed help, I asked God to help me. It is amazing how quickly the help came. The fear easily dissipated and the anger I was feeling left with the fear.

My situations and circumstances didn’t change nor did my past, but what did change was I became willing to face what was real instead of denying it. For the first time, I realized that acknowledging fear didn’t dismiss my faith. In fact it made it stronger and I saw that trusting God was the way through fear and anger. The slogan Let Go and Let God took on new meaning for me.

Prayer

Father, help me recognize and not deny when fear shows up in my life. Show me what I am afraid of and why. Teach me to trust You in the middle of fear. I want to bring everything to You and trust in You. Help me let go of control and trust You to lead me through fear. Amen.