Tag: birthday

Learning to Celebrate

I Am Worthy

Being noticed used to feel dangerous. Today I’m learning that I am worthy.

 The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I never got too excited or put too much credence into celebrations. I’m not sure why though. I know that birthdays have always been a let down for me because my birthday is in December and it was always anti-climactic. Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed to be good holidays. They seemed to be a time when the family was together and peaceful. Other than that, I can’t ever really remember getting too excited about anything growing up. There are several things I do remember getting excited about as a kid, but I also remember being let down. Mostly because of a lot of broken promises. So, if I got my hopes up, I was afraid they would get crushed again. I think that has carried over into celebrations of any kind. The huge swing in emotions from happiness and excitement to sadness and despair rattled me. I felt lost and alone. I didn’t like it. I determined it would be better if I stayed even and steady emotionally. At least that way I would know what to expect. I wouldn’t be disappointed and feel rejected. I wouldn’t get hurt. It felt safe. But shielding myself from my feelings has robbed me of experiencing those emotions. I didn’t risk being excited or happy because I didn’t like feeling sadness and disappointment. Consequently, I never learned how to handle my emotions in a healthy way. I can look back now and see that it was a survival skill that I developed as a child, but as an adult, that’s not productive.

Today I try to embrace the celebrations that happen on a regular basis in my life. I am not always successful. I spent over 40 years developing a certain lifestyle, way of thinking and certain habits. Many were unhealthy. That old way of thinking doesn’t go away so easily or quickly. Changing takes time. But I am seeing progress. I celebrate occasionally. But mostly, I recognize the times when I want to celebrate but hold back. When I have this awareness, I acknowledge it and try to do something about it. If I am hurt or slow to change, I know I always have a part. My job is to find out why I feel and act the way I do. The recovery tool I use most is taking an honest spot check inventory. That helps me find my part. Then I can talk with my sponsor about it. This is how I work Steps 4 and 5 in real time. After doing this, I find that I am more confident celebrating without feeling guilty about it. I have discovered I can still celebrate an event even if it’s not in the moment. I can still experience the emotions. It doesn’t have to be in the exact instance that it occurs.

I recently had a milestone in my recovery, what we commonly call a non-belly button birthday. That’s the day that we celebrate the anniversary of starting recovery and beginning our sobriety. I celebrated 18 years of continuous sobriety. The date came and went without much recognition, until my wife said to me “Happy birthday. Today is your recovery birthday”. And then a smile crept across my face and I said “Yeah, it is. Thank you for remembering”. It was nice to be recognized. I was happy and glad that she remembered without me mentioning it. I felt noticed. I felt like I was important. I had to resist that old feeling of not wanting to be too happy. It is the flip side of feeling hurt or ignored. Going unnoticed hits my core defect of not being good enough. Today I am happy and grateful that I’ve made progress. Even if there wasn’t much fanfare or a big to do, I am thankful she said something. Through working my recovery, I have come to believe that I am a person of value and worth. I am worthy of being celebrated. Maybe next year I will grow enough to be able to let people know ahead of time without feeling like I might be let down. Today I will celebrate my progress.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the progress You have helped me make. Show me how to celebrate the way You celebrate. Remind me that I am seen and valued by You. Teach me how to live without fear and without bracing for disappointment. Help me continue growing into the person You say I am. Amen.

Feeling Left Out

God is healing the parts of me that learned to expect disappointment.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

The other day was my daughter’s thirteenth birthday and plans for her party fell through. In my attempt to console her disappointment, it brought up memories I hadn’t thought about in years. My birthday is in December, and for anyone born that month, you probably already know what I’m going to say. For everyone else, let me explain. A December birthday often means you never have a birthday party because it’s “too close to Christmas.” If I heard that once, I heard it a thousand times. I understand now, as an adult, that it’s a busy time of year with family gatherings, work parties, holiday expenses, and a dozen other things. It can be a lot. But as a ten-year-old kid, all I heard was that I wasn’t important enough to celebrate.

Many years I received the “combo gift,” with the line: “This one’s for Christmas and your birthday.” Which usually meant it was a Christmas gift with a different tag. One year I decided to return the favor. My brother’s birthday is in May, so when Christmas came, I handed him a gift with a card that read, “This is for Christmas and your birthday.” He looked confused and said, “But it’s not my birthday.” I said, “Exactly.” He didn’t get it, but I did. I felt left out. Both of my brothers, born in May, had birthday parties almost every single year. I remember my tenth birthday was supposed to be my first real party, where kids from school were invited. I was so excited. Then I came down with the mumps. The party was cancelled, and I never had a birthday party until I was an adult. I was crushed. After that, two things happened. First, I stopped getting my hopes up for anything. I told myself it was better not to expect much, just another broken promise waiting to happen. Second, I became impossible to buy a gift for. I don’t know how to accept a gift graciously, and even if I was given a gift I had always wanted, I still feel left out and hurt. I don’t like that about myself, but it’s the truth. This is one of the things about working recovery, is that I have to face the hard things even when I don’t want to or don’t like what I learn about myself.

I hadn’t realized how much of those childhood hurts are still with me even today until they begin to surface. Every time someone overlooks me or doesn’t notice my effort, it stirs up that feeling of rejection. The good news is that I never have to stay in that state of mind. I can change, and God provides the power to do so. He is healing those broken places and replacing them with His peace and presence. I can’t hope for a happier past, but I can learn and grow from it and expect a happier future.

Prayer:
God, thank You for revealing to me the pain I’ve hidden for so long. Help me face old memories without fear, knowing You are already there. Teach me to receive love without suspicion and kindness without doubt. Thank You for healing my hurts and giving me Your peace in their place. Amen.