Hiding Behind Humor

I am learning to stop trying so hard to fit in and simply be myself.

Those who are without friends, God gives families… Psalm 68:6

The other day I saw someone I knew waiting in line to get some food. This is someone I would like to know better and possibly even become friends with. Right now we are just acquaintances. I wanted to walk up and say, “Hi, how are you doing?” Instead, I walked up and teased them. I said to the vendor, “You better watch out for this person. You never know what they may do.” They laughed and said, “Better watch out for you.” We chit-chatted for a moment and I left. A couple of days later, I had a similar interaction with another acquaintance I would also like to know better. Instead of saying hello and asking how he was doing, my first words were another sarcastic joke. He smiled and looked away.

That night, as I was reflecting on my day, I thought about both interactions. Why did I tease them that way? Could I have offended them or hurt their feelings? Did my interactions move those relationships closer, like I hoped they would? Those questions led me to another question, a deeper one. Why do I use humor, sarcasm, and teasing when I am trying to make friends? It dawned on me that I do this almost all the time. I tease. I banter. I joke. I use sarcasm. My intention is never to push people away. What I really want is to build closer relationships, but this behavior rarely helps me do that. I have a hard time being open, honest, and vulnerable with people. I am afraid of being hurt. So, instead, I use humor to get attention and protect myself. Unfortunately, it often shows up as sarcasm and teasing.

My recovery tools help me when I recognize a pattern or behavior I do not like. I have learned to stop and ask myself questions. What benefit did I get from it? I thought I was projecting an image of confidence. What need am I trying to fill? I want to be accepted. What am I feeling? I am feeling left out. What do I want? I want to be included. My answers lead me to a common theme. I don’t feel good enough. So, I try to act like the kind of person everyone wants to be around. I sigh. None of this is news to me. Great, my character defects are showing up again. So, what do I do about it?

I start with prayer and seek God’s help. I ask Him to show me how to be vulnerable and how to connect, and to give me the strength and courage to do so. I also ask Him to open a door and give me an opportunity to make amends when needed. I decide to be honest and vulnerable and just say, “Hi, how are you?” I let the conversation determine what comes next and resist the urge to make myself look good. I instead turn it over to God and stop trying to control the conversation. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer:

God, help me to stop hiding behind humor. Help me to be open and vulnerable with people and trust that You will help me to belong. Amen