Trying Too Hard

Already Enough

I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself… until I saw it in my daughter.

A person’s words come from what fills their heart. Matthew 12:34

My daughter plays softball, and she’s a good hitter. The other day during a game, she overheard the opposing coach say, “Wow, she makes good solid contact every time.” Her next time at bat, she walked. She was frustrated she didn’t get a chance to hit. Then her next at bat, she struck out. You could see it… she was trying so hard to hit the ball. Trying to prove she really was a good hitter. I was trying to encourage her and told her that she didn’t have to try so hard. You are a good hitter. You don’t have to prove it. Just have fun and let it happen. Later we went and did some batting practice, and she was rocking it again… just like before. God used that to show me something about me. I do the same thing with my writing. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When someone makes a positive comment about what I write, I feel it. I sometimes find that I put pressure on myself. I want to perform and do good again. I want to prove that I am good enough to deserve the praise or compliment. The truth is when I focus on growing and continuing my journey for me, I don’t have to force it. If I just keep putting good stuff in, good stuff will naturally come out. I know this. I don’t have to force it.

He showed me something else too. It can become an addiction. When someone likes what I write, it releases dopamine in my brain. And that dopamine release is an unexpected boost. My brain likes it and wants more. That is where “crave” comes from. I start craving that feeling. And my brain says, “Hey when I write something people like I can get that instant boost. Let’s do that again.” But when I focus on doing my recovery for me, to improve myself and grow closer to God, the dopamine is released naturally and evenly. I do not have spikes with quick highs and lows.

I am grateful for my recovery today. It allows me to see things as they really are. I can slow down and honestly look at my motives and make different choices. I can then share what God shows me instead of trying to write something people will think is good enough. I don’t have to prove it anymore.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop trying to prove myself. Teach me to trust what You’ve already put in me. Show me how to slow down. Help me just be me and enjoy life. Thank You. Amen.

Focus on the Solution

The Next Right Step

When I finally moved, I discovered God had already been helping me.

Do what God’s teaching says; when you only listen and do nothing, you are fooling yourselves. James 1:22

It’s paradoxical. When I focus on the problem instead of the solution, I stay stuck in it. I get frustrated and angry. The why me’s and the if only’s come in like a flood and overtake my thinking. Then it spills into my emotions and leaks out in my conversations before it shows up in my actions. Before long I am a victim again. But when I change my thinking to focus on the solution, my perspective changes and that is when I start to see progress. That’s what I love about recovery. It doesn’t leave me stuck in the problem. There is a solution. But it is up to me to do something to get it.

Before recovery, I was in bondage. I was struggling. When I focused on my problems, they only intensified. I begged and pleaded with God to take away my addiction. I spent hours in heartfelt prayer, with real tears and real remorse, only to repeat the same behavior again and again. When I came back into my right mind, regret would flood in and overwhelm me. I would promise God I would do better next time. I asked Him to stop me, to remind me, to intervene before I fell. But it never happened. Because I never made a decision to actually change. I never followed it with action or put anything in place to keep me from falling. I was blaming God for not stopping me.

The turning point came when I hit my bottom. It was a dark day, but it was also a good day because it was the day I finally stopped and made a decision. I changed my thinking, and I followed it with action. When I did, I realized all those prayers I prayed were not wasted. They were seeds. God did help me. He did prompt me when I was tempted, but this time I responded differently. I stayed. I chose differently. I did something with what He was showing me. That is the difference for me today. I stopped waiting for God to do for me what He was showing me to do. I am not focusing on the problem anymore. I am taking responsibility and moving toward the solution, one decision at a time. And this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me stop focusing on the problem. Show me how to focus on the solution. Give me the courage to take the next right step. Thank You. Amen.

Recovered or Healed?

Walking It Out

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was recently asked this question by a former sponsee, and it really got me thinking. Am I healed, or am I still recovering? It feels like one of those questions that should have a simple answer, but the more I sat with it, the more I realized there is something deeper going on.

When I look at Jesus, I see that when He healed people, He made them whole. He did not partially heal them. But then I also think about the blind man in Mark 8. Jesus laid His hands on him, and at first the man said he saw men walking around like trees. Then Jesus touched him again, and he saw clearly. That tells me something important. What Jesus does is complete, but it does not always show up all at once the way I expect it to. That is a process, even when the source is perfect.

I know what it means to be free from something. There are struggles I used to have that are completely gone. Not managed. Not controlled. Gone. They are not even a thought anymore. But there are other things that still show up in my life. I still feel not good enough sometimes. I still get my feelings hurt. I still feel left out at times. I still find myself wanting to control things or give advice when it was never asked for. Not like before, but it is still there. So am I healed? Yes. But I am also learning how to live in that healing every day.

What I have found in recovery is a place where this actually becomes real. Scripture tells us to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another, but I did not experience that in church the way I have in recovery. In recovery, there are ground rules. Honesty. Confidentiality. Accountability. People sharing what is really going on, not what sounds right. And something happens in that environment. Healing continues to show up. Not because something new is being given, but because I am no longer hiding my true self. It is a place where I can be honest and not feel exposed. A place where I can actually walk this out daily.

For me, this is what it comes down to. In Christ, I am made whole. That part is finished. But I am still being changed as I learn to think differently, to be honest, and to live differently each day. I am not trying to become healed. I am learning how to live as someone who already is. And that is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
Father, help me live from what You have already done in me. Teach me to stay honest, to stay open, and to walk this out one day at a time. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

Safe With Me

Trusting Myself

How I treat myself matters. Recovery is teaching me to take better care of myself.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats the church, Ephesians 5:29

Lately I have been overextending myself. In my mind I think I am like the energizer bunny and I can just keep going and going. My body though has a different response, and if I am not careful, I will run myself into the ground. I get run down and more susceptible to getting sick. It starts by staying up way too late trying to get everything done I want to do. Even in practicing my recovery, I stay up late reading, writing, and editing. I am also trying to write a book. Consequently, I don’t get enough sleep, and I am tired the next day, not always at my best and not performing at my best. I also find that I can be less patient and short with people. My intent and heart is good, but I am not practicing healthy boundaries with myself. My intentions do not justify my actions. I am not treating myself with care and respect.

I was reading some literature this past weekend. In it the person mentioned that they set boundaries with themself. I paused. I had to reread it a few more times. It didn’t quite click with me at first, but I knew there was something there. Something I needed to hear and see. As I sat with it, I began to connect it to my own life. I have learned about boundaries, and I have set them with other people. But I never thought about setting a boundary with myself. I used to think boundaries were only about other people. Who I let into my life and how I allowed them to treat me. Boundaries helped me determine what I would tolerate and what I would say no to. But I am learning that some of the most important boundaries are the ones I need to set with myself. Was I being too hard on myself? Why do I push myself past exhaustion? Am I trying to prove something? I did not realize that I was the one who was mistreating me.

As I prayed and meditated on this, I began to see how I talk to myself and how I treat myself. I would replay mistakes and blame myself, and that would lead to shame. I would expect perfection and then feel disappointed and discouraged when I couldn’t live up to such an unrealistic expectation. I am simply being human. Sometimes I would excuse behavior I knew was not healthy. I was being codependent with myself. I crossed my own lines constantly. A healthy boundary with myself means I take responsibility for my actions without condemning myself. I rest without feeling guilty. I tell myself the truth without exaggeration. I am learning to stop crossing my own lines and calling it okay.

When I run myself down, I feel it. I feel it in my body, in my attitude, and in how I treat other people. This is not just about being tired. It is about how I am choosing to treat myself. I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to feel safe with myself so that I can trust myself. I am learning to slow down, to stop when I need to stop, and to take care of myself in a way that actually supports my recovery. That means I don’t keep pushing past my limits and calling it good. I am responsible for how I treat myself.

Prayer
Father, help me treat myself the way You treat me. Show me where I push too far. Teach me to slow down, to rest, and to live in a way that supports my recovery. I want to be safe with myself so I can trust myself. Thank You. Amen.

Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.

The Problem Could Be Me

I Need To Change

Recovery started working when I stopped trying to change others and started looking honestly at myself.

Each person must examine his own actions. Then he can be proud of his own accomplishments and not compare himself to others. Assume your own responsibility. Galatians 6:4–5

When I first came into recovery, I was looking for relief from the pain I was carrying. I knew I needed help, but I still wanted to do things my way. Control had helped me survive growing up in an alcoholic home, so it was the only way I really knew how to approach life. I truly wanted things to get better. But if I’m honest, what I really wanted was for the pain to stop.

So early on I tried to do recovery on my own. I bought a step book and started answering the questions by myself. I thought I was doing what everyone else was talking about. I was becoming aware that I had problems that were not going to resolve themselves automatically. I was motivated to find the answer so I could go home and fix things myself. But I still wanted recovery to happen on my terms. My way. That was part of the problem. I didn’t come into recovery to change myself. I came looking for relief from the hurt and damage I was feeling. What I didn’t understand yet was that recovery was never meant to be worked alone. The people who were finding the kind of freedom I wanted were not doing it by themselves. They were working the steps with sponsors and learning to let the group help them see things they could not see on their own.

I can still remember the moment vividly. It was after a meeting during what we often call the meeting after the meeting. I can still see the dimly lit room, the literature table set up against the wall and me standing next to it. I was speaking with two members of the group that I had gotten to know. They had been trying to share something with me for several weeks, and that night it finally got through. This was all about me changing me. If this was going to work, I needed to do it for me. My healing would come when I focused on myself instead of the person I was trying to fix. When I first came to recovery, it was not to change me. It was to find out how to fix the problem. It was to get relief from the hurt and pain I was in. But it wasn’t until that moment that I considered the possibility that the problem could be me. That is when I began to focus on changing me.

That realization opened the door to a new way of living. The change did not happen overnight and to say it was always easy would be a lie. But I will say it has definitely been worth it. After finding a sponsor and doing step work with him, I started to see small changes. Over time those small changes led to bigger ones. Today I understand something I could not see back then. I cannot change if I don’t want to. I must first be willing. Then, when I become willing to change, God begins creating something new in me. I can feel and see the transformation. I am becoming a new person. I like who I am now. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me keep my focus on changing me instead of trying to fix others. Give me the willingness and courage to make the changes You show me. Amen.

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Why “Should” Keeps Me Stuck

So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I was meeting with my sponsor over coffee. I was sharing with him some of my thoughts and plans when he picked up on something I said and got a pensive look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “You need to stop shoulding on yourself and get the should out of your vocabulary.” That startled me. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was saying or why it was important. I remember thinking, how would I ever get anything accomplished without “should”? That little word had quietly run my life for such a long time, and I hadn’t even realized how much power it had. It sounded responsible, even spiritual. I should be further along. I should handle this better. I shouldn’t still be struggling with this. What was wrong with that? My sponsor continued, “Should implies judgment.” When you use it, you’re judging everyone involved, including yourself.

I was confused. To me, those thoughts felt like motivation and good goal setting. But when I paused and took a look at them, I saw something different. “Should” was not helping me. It kept me stuck in defensiveness. It became another explanation for why I never faced my problems. I thought I “should,” but I never took real action. I confused the thought with actual change. Without fully realizing it, it left me feeling like a failure. I was shoulding on myself. I was comparing myself to an imaginary version of who I thought I “should” be instead of being honest about who I really was. It was just another layer of denial. Recovery is showing me that “should” isn’t an asset in my life. It’s an illusion of control that soothes my ego rather than seeing myself how I really am. Thinking that I never measure up feeds into shame and eventually turns into resentment.

My sponsor’s observation led me to do some writing and step work. I started to see how “should” kept me from being honest. That internal conflict leaked out of me in the form of being disagreeable. I was either defending myself, accusing someone else, or quietly blaming God for my situation. “Should” gave me something to think about instead of something to do. In recovery, I’m learning that I can’t think my way into change but I can act my way into better behaviors. When I’m willing to look at my part, without excuses, I finally step out of defensiveness. That honesty opens the door for me to rebuild my life.

Letting go of “should” has helped me stop lying to myself. When I stop telling myself how things should be, I can finally see how things really are, how I really am. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding. Recovery is teaching me that I don’t have to change everything at once, I just have to deal with what’s right in front of me. When I stay honest about where I am and take the next right step, I feel better about who I am and where I am. That’s how recovery works for me. I show up, tell the truth, and do the work that’s in front of me today. I trust the outcome to God.

Prayer

Father, help me stop shoulding on myself. Show me where I’m judging instead of being honest. Give me the courage to take the next right step and trust You with the outcome. Thank You for meeting me with grace, not condemnation. Amen.