Asking Instead of Assuming

Clearing the Air

Fear tries to fill in the blanks when things are uncertain. My recovery tools help me slow down and face things directly.

He who gives an answer before he hears, it is foolish and a cause of shame to him. Proverbs 18:13

Last week my boss had a meeting with two department heads who report to me. I was not invited to the meeting, and that hurt my feelings. The meeting was about bringing on a new doctor, which normally falls under my responsibility. When I heard about it, I felt upset and a little afraid. I started wondering if there was a reason I was not included. After the meeting my boss told me everything they had discussed, but it still bothered me. That is when I had the thought, I have recovery tools now. I wonder which recovery principle or tool could help me with this situation? I paused and thought about my options.

In the past I would’ve just gone on and not asked why I wasn’t included. I would’ve continued as everything was normal, all the while wondering why and holding resentment. This time, I decided to ask why I wasn’t invited to the meeting. There could be a perfectly valid reason that had nothing to do with me. At the same time, my mind quickly jumped to fear. What if I’m being replaced? What if they no longer need me? That threatens my security. It hits deeper. It triggered my core defect of feeling I’m not good enough. When that shows up, I know that this is about me and not what’s happening. So, I did what I learned in recovery. I prayed about it and wrote about it. I asked God for guidance. What became clear was that I struggle with uncertainty. It is the worst for me. When things are left hanging in the air, my mind will fill in the blanks, usually with fear. The tools of recovery give me a practical way to approach this. The solution was to simply ask the question.

Recovery has taught me that I can ask a question without being accusatory, without sarcasm, and without putting anyone else down. A simple inquiry. And then, be willing to accept the response without being defensive. I resisted the urge to ask the department heads their opinion, so as not to cause division or gossip. I asked my boss simply, calmly and directly, why I wasn’t included in the meeting. I was told that it was not meant to exclude me. That is why I was informed afterward about everything that was covered. But because they had spent more time talking about medical procedures, it didn’t pertain to me. I still didn’t like that I was not included, but I understood and I felt like I handled it not just professionally, but in a healthier way than I would have before.

Before recovery, I would never have asked why I wasn’t included. I would have let that cloud of uncertainty hang over my head indefinitely. I am grateful for my recovery. It helps me address things directly instead of letting them continually spin in my mind. I feel like I fit into the world and I can move forward. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the recovery tools You have given me. Help me to slow down and not give in to fear. Help me to seek You for guidance. Give me courage to address things that I used to avoid and the wisdom to know how to do it. Thank You for helping me grow and learn healthier ways to live. Amen.

Restoring My Brain

I’m learning how God is using recovery to restore my brain from addictive behaviors I could not control.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I’ve been reading about how addiction connects to what’s going on in the brain, and it really opened my eyes. The more I learned, the more I could see my own patterns and why I tend to fall back into certain behaviors I don’t want. One thing that really stood out to me is that God designed our brains with chemicals that help us engage and live life fully through connection with Him and others. Dopamine is one of those chemicals. It gives us the drive to go after things like food, relationships, purpose, and growth. Oxytocin is another. It helps us feel calm, safe, and connected. When our minds and bodies are aligned, working the way God intended, dopamine helps us take the next right step, and oxytocin lets us know when we’re safe enough to slow down and rest. Together they keep us steady, so we don’t go from one extreme to the other. We live in a place where we can want things without feeling overwhelmed and make decisions without fear.

Addiction starts when these chemicals get out of sync and become imbalanced. Dopamine stops looking for relief from feeling safe and being close to people. Instead of gently guiding me, it suddenly feels like an urgent pressure demanding relief right now. That urgency is why things start to slip. My brain begins to believe that the only way to have peace comes from instant gratification instead of patience and trust in God. Over time, my brain forgets how to rest and how to wait. It gets used to the shortcut and starts to expect it, and before I know it, it starts demanding immediate relief. And that’s why I start looking for a fix to meet that demand.

What surprised me was realizing that this same chemical imbalance occurs in my brain and is created through my codependent behaviors. It is not just something caused by drugs and alcohol. I feel it when I start trying to manage everyone and everything, fixing problems, smoothing things over, or trying to keep everyone happy. I get uncomfortable and feel uneasy. I suddenly have the urge to jump into fix-it mode because it feels like the fastest way to get relief. That relief simulates a feeling of peace, but it is short lived and never lasts. The urge to manage comes back again and again. Each time a bit stronger. I started to see that what I thought was love and concern is often my brain chasing a quick dopamine release through control. The pattern is always the same. Urgency first, relief second, exhaustion later. It dawned on me that this rush for an instant relief, an urgent dopamine release in my brain, is nothing more than a counterfeit for spirituality and peace with God. God designed dopamine to be released naturally and evenly.

It shows up as that feeling that something has to be dealt with right now, even when nothing is actually happening. It often sounds like “I just need to fix this” or “Once this is handled, I’ll feel better.” I notice it in my body as restlessness, tightness, or the inability to sit still when things feel uncertain. The relief feels real, but it fades quickly, and the urgency always comes back. It feels less like desire and more like pressure, as if peace depends on acting immediately.

I now recognize why God desires me to embrace spiritual disciplines in my life. It is not to be strict or demanding. It is because of His love for me. When He calls me to be patient, to seek Him through prayer and meditation, to exercise and eat healthy, and to stay connected with others, He wants what is best for me. These practices release an even, balanced, and healthy amount of dopamine and oxytocin in my brain. They help keep me emotionally regulated so I am not driven by urgency or addiction.

Prayer breaks the cycle of urgency and helps me slow down. Waiting teaches my body that stress and pressure won’t destroy me. Being honest with people instead of trying to manage how they react opens the door to real personal connection. Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable at first, but over time they bring real peace one bit at a time. Each time I choose trust over control, my brain learns something new. I am learning that I do not have to perform to feel safe. I do not have to fix everything. I am not walking alone. Over time, what once felt impossible becomes normal. That is discipline. That is healing. That is the balance God intended. That is freedom and true serenity.

Reflection
Where do I notice urgency showing up in my thoughts or body right now, and what might it look like to pause and trust God instead of reacting?

Giving Back

Giving back is not about fixing anyone. Sometimes it is just showing up

Freely you have received; freely give. Matthew 10:8

When I first came into recovery, Andy T. was the first person I connected with. He was what they called an old timer, someone who had been active in recovery for a long time. Active did not just mean sober. It meant he kept coming to meetings (plural), worked the steps with a sponsor, and sponsored others. I met Andy in a newcomers meeting, my very first meeting and for a while my only one. After the meeting, he talked with me, encouraged me to keep coming back, and gave me his phone number. I called him more times than I care to admit.

What I did not understand at first was why someone with over forty five years in recovery would still need to come to a newcomers meeting. Being new, I was a bit skeptical, so I asked him. His answer surprised me. He said he came for me. Not because he needed the meeting, but because newcomers need to see that recovery works and that people stay. He didn’t have an agenda to teach or fix the newbies, Andy just showed up and shared his experience strength and hope. I learned right away that giving back is not about having all the answers or words to say. It is about being present. It is just being there and being willing to walk with someone who is brand new and unsure

That lesson still challenges me. Newcomers need to hear recovery from old timers, people who are living it, not just talking about it. Giving back keeps recovery alive in both them and me. After practicing recovery for almost two decades now, I realize that I might be the person who needs to show up for someone newer. If I am not showing up where the need is, I am missing part of what was freely given to me. Recovery was never meant to stop with me. It is meant to be passed on, one conversation, one meeting, one act of willingness at a time.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for the people who freely gave to me when I was new and unsure. Help me stay willing to give back in the same way, by showing up, listening, and sharing honestly. Keep me mindful that what I have received is meant to be shared. Amen.