Breaking the Spiral

From Spinning to Stepping

When I start spinning in fear, the next right step breaks the spiral.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. Psalm 56:3

I have an online store and recently someone wanted to return an item that they were not happy with. So I approved the return fully intent on giving a refund. But after I got the notification that the item arrived, I did not open the package from the mail. I did not go on and issue the refund. Then I noticed I had received other new orders, and I did not even look at those orders because I did not want to look at the refund. I have three orders that need to be shipped out, but I have not done them for several days. Now I’m stuck thinking that it’s too late. I can’t do it now because I didn’t do it in the beginning. That thinking brings up an old familiar feeling I had often before recovery. If I didn’t deal with something in the moment, when it happened, I believed I could never come back and correct it or make it right. I was stuck on stupid.

I don’t know why I did that. And it bothered me. Why am I so stubborn? Why do I procrastinate and put things off? Even when things are not difficult, somehow when I get it stuck in my mind that I don’t want to do it, I will not change my mind. I know that is old behavior, and I can see it is just another form of control manifesting. I know that sometimes I avoid doing something, even something innocuous, because of the fear of something bad or unpleasant being revealed. I don’t ever want bad news, and so I find I will avoid anything that could potentially reveal it, even if the thing itself is not bad news. I have enough recovery to know I need to pray and ask God for help and also to write about it. If that doesn’t work, then I call my sponsor.

So, that is exactly what I did and here’s what I found out. I began with questions. I asked myself, why am I not filling the new orders? What am I afraid of? I realized I am afraid that because I haven’t shipped the order yet, the person may cancel it. I am afraid that I may not have all of the items in stock and the order would need to be canceled anyway. I probably do have the items in stock, but for whatever reason I haven’t even looked. I’m afraid that if I go look, they won’t be there. Then I asked myself, why is that affecting me? If I have to cancel the order, I have to give another refund. That is money I don’t want to give out. It’s only about $80, but because money is tight right now, it makes me feel embarrassed that I don’t make more money on my job. I don’t make more money as a person or as a man. And then I feel like I am not good enough. It’s the same thing I always discover whenever I write. I have a part and it’s usually tied to me feeling less than. I’m reminded of a saying I’ve heard before… I can’t think my way into better action, but I could act my way into better thinking.

Once I realized that it was my issue, I prayed and gave it over to God. Then I put legs to my prayers. I opened my online store, issued the refund, processed the new orders and shipped them out. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Immediately the anxiety lifted and I felt lighter. It may not seem like a big deal, but when I get stuck spinning in my head, it’s really hard to break that cycle. Working the steps of recovery and using the tools I have learned helped me break free from that spiral. I’m very grateful for that. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

Father, help me trust You and take the next right step when I start spinning. Thank You for the freedom that comes when I seek You first and then take action. Amen.

Not An A-La-Carte Recovery

There Are No Shortcuts to Surrender

Recovery works when I stop trying to customize my own program and start trusting His path.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5–6

Recovery is not an a-la-carte program.
In meetings, I have often heard, “Take what you like and leave the rest,” or the saying about being as smart as an old cow, eating the hay and spitting out the sticks. Those sayings are helpful when it comes to personalities and opinions, but they were never meant to apply to the Twelve Steps themselves. I do not get to pick which steps or principles I will follow and which ones I will ignore. If I want the freedom and healing recovery promises, I have to follow the program the way it was designed, not the shortcut version I create to fit what I think is best. My best thinking will most often gravitate to something that doesn’t challenge me or require me to change.

When I start choosing how I will work my own recovery, instead of the one encouraged by my sponsor, I start to get squirrelly. My feelings start running my life. I may convince myself that it is wisdom, but it is really just another form of control. I learned early on that successful recovery stands on three pillars. These are simple, but non-negotiable practices: working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings regularly, and serving others. And yes, that means a human sponsor and meetings plural. Together they create the structure that helps me remain honest and continue to grow.

I might attend meetings but avoid doing step work. I might try to do step work without meetings. I might tell myself that God is my sponsor, so I do not have to be accountable to anyone else. I might skip steps, rush through them, or rearrange them to suit my preferences. Each time I do this, I am quietly saying that I know better than those who walked this path before me. That kind of pride produces limited results, slow growth, and repeated cycles or even relapse. I end up repeating the same mistakes and being forced to learn the same lessons because I refuse to walk the proven path that works. The one that has stood the test of time.

I have learned that recovery without God leaves me empty, and faith without practicing the steps leaves me unchanged. Real recovery happens when I invite God into every part of the process and use the tools He has already provided. Surrender is not just believing in God, it is trusting Him enough to follow the full solution. It is giving in and humbling myself not just to God but to the pillars of recovery. I cannot do it “My Way”. I did that before recovery. I need to do it His Way. To humble myself, accept the recovery solution and act on it. When I stop trying to force recovery based on my own understanding and stop managing the process, I can finally experience the freedom I was looking for, and the healing the program promises.

Reflection
Where am I still trying to control my recovery instead of fully surrendering to the program?

That’s A Good Question

Why Don’t I Answer It?

When I stop using a question to justify my resentment and start using it to search for truth, healing becomes possible.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts. Psalm 139:23

I was recently sharing in a meeting about how I used to be resentful toward my mom. When my dad passed away, I went to bury him and settle his estate. While I was there, I found out the real reason he and my mom had divorced. She had cheated on him. My dad caught her in front of our house while the three of us kids were inside. My sister was eight, my brother was six, and I was two. Learning that years later really hurt me. I was angry. Deeply resentful. For a few years after that, I barely spoke to my mom. I wondered, what kind of person does that?

Several years later I was sharing this story with a therapist. All those emotions were still there. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. I felt pressure building inside me as I talked about it. Not knowing what to do with it, I blurted out, “What kind of person does that?” I assumed it was rhetorical. I thought it would release some of that pressure and we would move on. Maybe he would even agree with me. Instead he looked at me and said, “That’s a great question. I think you should answer it.” That infuriated me. I didn’t want an answer. I wanted comfort and agreement. I could not believe I was paying someone good money to tell me to answer a question that was clearly rhetorical.

Later that evening, I told my sponsor about it. I said, can you believe that? What kind of therapist tells you to answer that question? I expected him to agree with me. Instead he looked at me warmly with what I would call stern compassion and said, “That is a good question. I think you should write about it and answer it.” I got mad at him too. Was he even listening to me? I thought he did not understand. But I wanted to get better. So I went home and wrote about it.

It was hard to write because all those emotions came flooding back all at once. Anger. Hurt. Sadness. That I’m not good enough feeling. Rejection. Abandonment. As I wrote, I kept coming back to the same question. Why would my mom do this to me? What kind of person does that? I prayed and asked God to help me see. And slowly the answer started forming. She was an alcoholic. She was an addict. She was doing what addicts do. She was thinking about her addiction, not about me. I was collateral damage. She was not doing it to me. She was just doing it, and I got hurt. That realization did not excuse what happened. But it did change something in me. I began to feel compassion where there had only been resentment. I was able to gradually process what had felt so overwhelming. That day I learned that answering the hard questions is not easy, but it is definitely worth it. Facing the ones I didn’t want to, instead of avoiding them, became the doorway to freedom. If I am willing to sit with them, God will meet me there.

Prayer
Father, help me face the hard questions I would rather avoid. Give me the courage to answer them honestly. Help me recognize resentment and surrender it to You. Thank You for the healing and freedom You provide when I give the hurts of my past to You. Amen.

Old Hurts Resurfacing

Assuming Rarely Helps

Finding my part helps me surrender old hurts.

Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders, He’ll carry your load, He’ll help you out.
He’ll never let good people topple into ruin. Psalm 55:22

I had been trying to reach out to a friend because I knew he was going through a tough time. We are not best friends, but we are friendly, and I wanted to encourage him and maybe see if he wanted to grab coffee. I texted him, called him, and left messages, but he never responded, not once. After a while, it hurt. My feelings were hurt, I assumed he was ghosting me. I started wondering if I had done something wrong, if I had offended him somehow, or if he just did not want to be my friend anymore. I couldn’t figure out why he was ignoring me. This was not normal for him. In the past, he had always replied. In my mind, he had received every message and every call and had purposely chosen not to respond.

A couple of weeks later, I ran into another friend who is really close to him. I asked how he was doing and was told he was doing well, and then it was casually mentioned that he had a new phone number. That was it. He never received any of my messages at all. Everything I had assumed had nothing to do with me. And that is often how recovery is for me. Something happens, I get hurt, and my mind immediately fills in the story. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. I feel like I am not good enough. I take something that may not even involve me and turn it into proof that something is wrong with me. I decided to do some writing about this, and I quickly discovered that it was my character defects being stirred. When these old feelings surface, it is almost always my part. It is my thinking. And once I saw that, suddenly everything shifted in my mind. All the meaning I had assigned to the silence fell apart. That is how my thinking works when my character defects start to surface.

Before recovery, I would have kept calling and texting over and over. I would have tracked him down, even at his work, and pressed him for answers. My denial used to convince me that I was simply asking questions, but now I realize they were really accusations. That behavior never brought me peace. It never helped me feel better, only worse. More alienated and distant. Now I have another choice, a different response. I did not broadcast my hurt. I did not act on it. I used the slogan “Let Go And Let God” and I gave it over to the Lord. Even though the hurt was real, it was my issue to confront. I used the tools I have learned here in recovery, and I had peace and didn’t lose a friend. That is the gift of recovery in my life.

Prayer
God, help me to slow down and not jump to conclusions when my feelings get hurt. Show me my part and help me surrender my troubles to You and Your care. Remind me that You will carry me through every time. Amen.

There Is No Recovery Apart From God

He Was There All Along

I resisted recovery because I didn’t think God was in it. I was wrong.

Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

For a long time, I resisted recovery and spoke against it. I did not think God was in it. I believed it was built on humanistic ideology, self-effort, and spiritual language that replaced faith with psychology. Most of what I believed came from my own assumptions and from critics who, like me, had never actually done the work. I had strong opinions without firsthand knowledge. In my mind, choosing recovery meant compromising God. What I did not realize at the time was that I was rejecting something I had never honestly examined.

That changed when I finally read the literature for myself, especially the Big Book. What I found was not ambiguity but clarity. God is not hinted at. He is named. The Big Book explicitly identifies the Higher Power as God and rejects human self-sufficiency without apology. It states that human ideas failed and reliance on God succeeded. It forces the reader to face the proposition that God is everything or He is nothing, and it rejects neutrality altogether. Recovery is presented as dependent on seeking and relying on God, not as a supplement or optional aid. The steps themselves make this unmistakable. God is explicitly named and repeatedly appealed to. There is no recovery apart from God. That is not my conclusion. That is the text’s position.

Over time, I began to see a clear pattern in my own life. When I stayed close to God through prayer, meditation, honest journaling, and active work with my sponsor, I progressed steadily. When I drifted from God, my recovery drifted with me. What became undeniable was this: I would never recover if I did not put God first, not merely include Him. Recovery requires surrender to a Higher Power. The Big Book does not leave that Higher Power vague. It calls Him God. When God is treated as optional or unnamed, recovery tends to stall. When God is sought, healing follows. There is no recovery apart from God.

Prayer
Father God, apart from You I can do nothing. I no longer want to rely on my own ideas or strength. I choose to seek You first and surrender to You fully. Keep me close to You so my recovery and my life remain rooted in You alone. Amen.

My Crazy Thinking

My thoughts lied to me again… and God met me with truth, not shame.

He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and reveal the motives of people’s hearts. 1 Corinthians 4:5

Last week at work a couple people requested vacation time, and I felt that little resentful reaction start to rise up in me. I want vacation too. It’s one of the benefits of my job, and it grows every year, which I really appreciate. My sponsor always reminds me to ask myself, “What’s my part?” and when I finally stopped to ask myself that, my thinking started to shift. I moved from “Why don’t I ever get vacation?” to “Why don’t I ever ask for it?” That was the moment I had to get honest with myself. I’m not a victim here. I’m the one who never asks for time off. I rarely request vacation unless it’s for an appointment or some obligation. So I used an old recovery tool and did a 4th step inventory on it. I sat and really thought about it. I prayed and asked God to show me. And I asked myself why I don’t ever ask to take the vacation time I’m given.

At first I only came up with the easy surface answers. Do I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility? No. That’s just pride pretending to be responsibility. Do I think I’m more important than I really am? Maybe. Then I stopped and asked myself, what am I actually feeling? I started noticing ideas like “What would they do if I wasn’t here?” or “Who is going to fix the problems that come up?” And that’s when fear showed up. I thought, “What if something needs to be done and I’m not there to do it?” I had convinced myself that my boss would be disappointed in me. Then the real fear hit me: “If they don’t need me, someone else could do my job. They might realize they don’t need me at all.” It brings up the old feelings that I’m replaceable, not wanted, and unloved. Underneath it all was the same familiar fear of rejection and fear of abandonment, pointing me right back to that old belief that I’m not good enough. It’s crazy thinking, I know, but don’t think at me like that. Step 2 says you’re insane too.

I’m grateful for recovery tools that help me slow down and notice when old thought patterns or uncomfortable feelings start to surface. I remind myself to ask questions like “What button is being pushed?” and “Which character defect is showing up?” After I answer these questions, I usually identify what’s going on and then deal with it. When I own that this is my issue, not anyone else’s, I begin to shift my perspective. The truth is the company survived many years before I got there, and it would survive without me there. As important as I like to think I am, they would figure it out. Once I saw that fear sat underneath the resentment, it became easier to surrender it to God and let it go. Then I made a decision to do the next right thing: ask for vacation and trust God with the outcome. And guess what? My request was granted, and I rested on my vacation without worrying about work or what might fall apart without me there to fix it. And I felt a solid peace inside because I know I handled it in a healthy way.

Prayer:
Father, thank You for showing me what was hidden under my resentment. Thank You for bringing the real motives of my heart into the light so I could see what I was afraid to face. Help me keep noticing the fears that try to run my thinking. Help me stay honest, willing, and surrendered. Give me the courage to take healthy steps, trust You with the outcome, and rest in the peace You give. Amen.

Owing an Amends

Making Things Right

Recovery didn’t take away my first instinct. It gave me a choice about what to do after it shows up.

Whoever hides their sins will not be successful, but whoever confesses their sins and stops doing wrong will receive mercy. Proverbs 28:13

I owed an amends to my wife. That’s never fun. All joking intended. In one of my recent writings, I attributed a line to a well known speaker that my wife has been saying to me for years. I honestly believed I had heard it from that speaker. My wife had told me more than once that it was her thought, but I assumed she had picked it up from the same source and just personalized it. When I used the quote publicly and credited someone else, I undervalued her. She asked me why I didn’t give her the credit.

That question stirred something in me. My addiction to being right kicked in. My need for control showed up fast. My first instinct was still to prove myself right. I decided to look it up and find out where the quote came from. What I found surprised me. There was no original source. No author. No famous speaker who came up with it. It wasn’t a quote at all. It was original. My wife had come up with it. I hadn’t just misattributed a line. I hadn’t believed her. That hurt her. But I didn’t stay there. When I found out the truth, I didn’t ignore it or hide from it. I didn’t pretend I hadn’t seen it. I had to face it and own it.

That meant I needed to make amends. I started by admitting I was wrong. I told my wife the truth about what I did and why I didn’t credit her. I came clean and owned my part fully. That wasn’t easy. The other part of the amends was correcting it publicly. So here goes. In a recent devotion I wrote called “A Decision, Followed by a Process,” that line came from my beautiful wife, Danielle. I did in fact hear a speaker talk about it and use that line. That speaker was my wife. I also went back and corrected the original post to give my wife credit for the quote. Before recovery, I would have defended myself. I would have continued to prove I was right. I would have avoided the apology and completely skipped the correction. Today, I get to be honest with myself, with my wife, and with you. I still have much work to do. I’m not finished. God isn’t finished with me either. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, help me be honest when my instinct is to defend myself. Show me my part and give me the courage to own it. Help me make things right when I get it wrong. I’m still learning. Thank You for staying with me as I do. Amen.

New Instincts

Interrupting What Feels Automatic

Sometimes change starts with noticing what I do without thinking.

Create in me a pure heart, God, and make my spirit right again. Psalm 51:10

This morning, while I was getting dressed, I decided to practice something I read in the Just for Today bookmark. It said, “Just for today I will do two things I don’t want to do, just for practice.” So, as I was putting on my shoes, I decided to do something different. I am a sock sock shoe shoe person. I have always been. But today I shook things up. I did sock shoe sock shoe. It felt very, very weird. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. It just felt wrong, even though it really didn’t matter at all. It was a safe place to try out a new behavior. Putting on my shoes and socks is so mundane and routine, I don’t even think about it. I couldn’t even remember consciously doing it most times. But somehow, doing sock shoe sock shoe suddenly captured my full attention.

That simple act in that moment got me thinking about my instincts. How I automatically do things every day without even thinking about them. They are so routine, so familiar, that I barely notice them. Most of the time, I could not even tell you when or how I do them. So many of my behaviors have become part of who I am simply because I have done them over and over again. Some of those instincts today are healthy. Praying and asking God for help. Writing about my concerns. Pausing before reacting. Being honest with myself. I do not always know when those instincts were formed. I just know they are there now. But I also see how many instincts I lived by before recovery that were not healthy at all. Defending myself. Withdrawing. Controlling.

I thought to myself, this is how it is in recovery. This is why doing step work with my sponsor matters so much for me. When I slow down, get honest with myself, and ask God to show me my motives, He does. He shows me where my instincts came from and what they were trying to protect. That is when change becomes possible. Instincts are not just habits. Habits are what I do. Instincts are why I do them. Recovery is teaching me how to interrupt unhealthy instincts and practice new ones until they become natural. I am learning that my instincts are not permanent. By practicing the principles of recovery and seeking God’s help, my old automatic behaviors and instincts are changed into new ones. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, help me to slow down and notice what I instinctively do and why. Give me the courage to change and show me how to practice new healthy habits. I thank You for Your faithfulness to help me. Amen.

A Decision Followed By A Process

Forming New Habits

What God started in me needed action to take root.

Be made new in your hearts and in your thinking. Be that new person who was made to be like God, truly good and pleasing to him. Ephesians 4:23-24

I was reflecting on something I heard my wife say when she was sharing at a meeting. Recovery starts with a decision, but it is followed by a process. As I thought about that, I began to see how clearly it applied to my life. God set me free and delivered me from my addiction, but my behaviors did not automatically change overnight. Those behaviors had become habits, and habits do not disappear just because I had a spiritual awakening. The freedom was real, but I wanted it to be lasting. The process is what makes it stick. The decision is the planting, but doing the work is what allows it to take root. I am learning that lasting change requires a process I stay engaged with, not just a single moment I look back on.

I am realizing that renewing my mind is not a one time event. It is ongoing. It is daily. As I change how I think about situations, people, and myself, my reactions begin to change too. When I look back at times I struggled in my recovery, I can see a clear pattern. I had stepped away from the process. I was free from the substance and the behavior, but my thinking stayed the same. Without renewed thinking, old behaviors find their way back.

Working through the Twelve Steps is the process that proves the decision I made is real and has taken effect. It is the process God uses to renew my mind. The Steps gave me a way to live out that renewal in real life. Step by step, with my sponsor, I began to see myself more honestly. I took inventory of both my strengths and my defects. I faced where I had harmed others and where I was still holding onto resentment. I learned to offer forgiveness and to make amends. As I took those actions, my thinking began to change and continued to stay changed. New thoughts led to new responses, and new responses led to new habits. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, thank You for setting me free. Help me to always stay willing to renew my thinking each day, so that my actions continue to change and I can be the person You want me to be. I do not want to live in the past. I want to live out what You are doing in me today. Amen.

Slowing Down for Today

Surrender is not just about giving God my future. It is also about giving God my today.

Do not be shaped by this world. Instead, be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect. Romans 12:2

I remember the first time I worked the Steps with my sponsor. Yes, I did say first time. I moved through Steps One and Two quickly. Everything was going smoothly. In my mind, Step Three was already done. I had given my life to Christ as a teenager. I attended church regularly. I studied the Bible. I went to Bible college. I was licensed and ordained. I served in churches in many different ministry roles. I wasn’t new to the concept. So, I figured I could check off Step Three and move right on to Step Four. I told my sponsor, “I got this.”

My sponsor did not argue with me. He didn’t challenge my faith or question my sincerity. He simply suggested we slow down and do the work anyway. He said that if I was truly ready, the work would be easy. That surprised me. What I found was that while I had surrendered my life to Christ long ago, I still struggled with surrendering my will in the ways I thought I had. That started to become clear pretty quickly. Step Three took me weeks, while the first two steps had taken only days. I needed that slowdown, even though I did not realize it at the time. I am thankful God gave my sponsor the wisdom to slow me down and humble me.

What I began to see was how much my biblical knowledge had quietly replaced daily surrender. I had grown complacent. I had become confident in what I knew rather than attentive to how I lived. Pride and control showed up subtly. I assumed I had already completed Step Three because of my education and experience. My sponsor saw something I could not see yet, and God used him to interrupt my momentum. That interruption changed everything.

By slowing down and working the Steps in order, without skipping ahead, I learned something that reshaped my relationship with God. Step Three was not just about giving God my future. It was about giving Him my today too. When that shifted, everything else followed. My relationship with God transitioned from performance to grace and complete honesty. That made me ready to begin Step Four, an honest moral inventory.

Prayer
Lord help me to slow down and not rush ahead. I want to do things Your way and in order. Show me Your will for me and help me to carry it out. Amen.

I’m Sorry – A Familiar Way Out

Sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t about guilt. It’s about discomfort.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

I was standing there listening to someone share about something that was bothering them. I had heard them share these same concerns before. As they talked, I noticed my attention drifting, and I realized I didn’t know how to be in that moment. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t know how I could help. I felt unsettled, even though I couldn’t identify it at the time. So I defaulted to something instinctive, something that felt familiar and safe. I said, “I’m sorry,” and I walked away.

Later, the person told me they felt dismissed by my actions. That didn’t sit well with me. In fact, it bothered me a great deal because I care deeply for this person. I didn’t intend to brush them off, but my intention didn’t excuse my actions. What mattered was what I did and how it landed with them. That’s what stayed with me. I couldn’t shake it. So I decided to honestly write about the moment. I was looking for my part. Why did I apologize when I hadn’t actually done anything wrong? Why did leaving feel easier than staying? As I wrote, I began to see how often I say “I’m sorry” in moments like this, moments where I feel unsure, awkward, or powerless.

What became clear was that I wasn’t apologizing out of guilt. I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt powerless to fix their situation or offer any real resolution. There was no solution to point to, no action to take, and I felt helpless. Growing up in alcoholism, discomfort like that usually meant it was time to do something, fix something, or simply get out of the way. “I’m sorry” became my default way to ease that tension and remove myself from it, even when the tension wasn’t actually mine to carry.

Writing about it helped me see something I hadn’t noticed before. I say “I’m sorry” a lot, especially when I feel powerless. When someone brings me a problem I can’t solve, my instinct is to ease the tension and escape the discomfort. “I’m sorry” becomes my exit. Just a way out. What I discovered in my writing was that walking away in that moment wasn’t about dismissing the other person. It was an automatic response to regulate my own discomfort. That honest realization was unsettling. And for me, that kind of honesty with myself is usually where real growth begins.

I have learned that awareness is only part of my recovery journey. Accepting that I behave this way moves me out of denial. But where I find healing and change is when I can respond differently to this new awareness. This is where I struggle the most. My plan is to pray and ask God to help me next time I am in a similar situation, to give me patience and courage and to help me find a new default. Maybe something as simple as just staying present and being quiet.

Prayer
God, help me see when I am avoiding my true feelings. Show me my part, and help me stay honest with what I see. Help me to not just notice my shortcomings, but change how I respond. Teach me how to slow down and be present without needing to fix anything. Amen.

The Look

Catching Pride in Real Time

What irritates me often reveals more about me than them.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment. Romans 12:3

I was driving to work the other day. I was cruising along with the cruise control on. Everything was fine. Then someone cut right in front of me into my lane, going about fifteen miles slower than I was. They did not ease in. They cut me off and I had to slam on my brakes so I would not hit them. I put my blinker on, went around them, and as I passed, I looked over and gave them “the look.”

After I passed them, I realized that I had just mean mugged the driver. I felt that familiar nudge from God to look inward. A self-examination moment. Why did I look at them? What was I hoping to accomplish with that look? I already got around them. I was no longer in danger. So what was that about? As I reflected on it for a few minutes, the honest answer was uncomfortable. I wanted them to feel small. I wanted them to know they were wrong. And when I stayed with that thought process a bit longer, I had to admit something deeper. In that moment, I thought I was better than them. I wanted to correct them. I was upset that I wasn’t in control over their driving. I wasn’t just irritated. I thought my time mattered more than theirs. Like I was entitled to the road. That’s an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Pride. A familiar character defect for me. That realization was hard to accept initially, but it was true.

Before recovery, I would not have even seen this. I most likely would have escalated it. I might have given “the look” and added a one-handed sign language to go with it, you know what I mean.

I have learned tools that help me. Like a spot check inventory. To ask myself why I do what I do in the moment. So that maybe next time I will be able to make a different choice. For today I will celebrate my progress and be thankful that I didn’t escalate things. And even more grateful that I was able to be aware of my behavior on my own without anyone else telling me. I’m glad that by seeking God’s will, He brings things like this to my attention. I am grateful that I am able to apply Step 10 to my daily life. To pause, look inward, and be honest with myself much sooner. Doing that helps me to let it go instead of carrying it with me all day.

Reflection
Where in my day do small reactions reveal something bigger going on inside me?

Avoiding Drama

Sometimes what I call drama is just something I don’t want to face.

I was really avoiding disappointment

You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.
John 5:39–40

I try to avoid drama at all costs. And I mean drama of any kind. I think most people do. But for me, the problem was this: anything that wasn’t what I wanted, I labeled as drama. Even though I knew that was unrealistic, knowing it didn’t stop me from thinking this way. And the tricky part is I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t conscious. If you had asked me, “Do you have unrealistic expectations?” I would have said no. If you asked, “Do you avoid things you don’t want by calling them drama?” I would have said no. And if you asked if I was in denial, I would have emphatically said, “Absolutely not.”

Why would I answer like this? Because facing disappointment hurts. When things don’t go my way, it often stirs up old painful feelings deep inside me. Feelings like I’m not good enough. Like I can’t do anything right. And I did whatever I could to avoid any feelings tied to rejection and failure. So instead of changing my expectations, I went looking for approval from the wrong people. People who didn’t even have what I was looking for to give. It reminds me of an analogy I’ve heard in meetings. I was going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread, and then getting angry they didn’t sell it. All the while ignoring the people God had already placed in my life who were freely offering the encouragement and approval I was desperate for.

That’s when I think about the story of the man who couldn’t swim stranded on a rooftop during a flood. He prayed for God to save him, but turned down a raft, a boat, and even a helicopter because he was waiting for God to do it his way. When he died and asked God why He didn’t help, God said, “I sent you help three times, you just refused it.” That story hits close to home. This is exactly how I am sometimes. I am looking for help in my way, and being so stuck in my own thinking, I actually miss how God has been trying to help me. I don’t need YOUR help. GOD is going to help me. I spent a lot of time waiting on God to help me my way. When help came through people I didn’t want to hear from, I ignored it. I told myself I was waiting on God, when in reality God was already answering. And when things don’t go the way I want or plan, then I interpret that as me being a failure and I feel rejected.

This is denial in its sneakiest form. Denial is so insidious that while I’m in it, I can’t see it. I can’t even admit I’m in denial, because denial convinces me that I’m not. Denial hides from itself. I can’t see it on my own. I need others to help me see what I’m missing. I can pray, meditate, and read Scripture daily and still miss the truth if my heart isn’t willing to change. God often uses people to point out where it’s still there. Recovery keeps teaching me this: healing and peace comes when I remain willing and open to change instead of spinning in self-deception. Denial wants me blind. God wants me free.

Prayer
Father, keep me willing. Show me when I’m resisting help instead of receiving it. Help me trust that You are already at work, even when it’s not my way. Thank You for helping me be free. Amen.

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Why “Should” Keeps Me Stuck

So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I was meeting with my sponsor over coffee. I was sharing with him some of my thoughts and plans when he picked up on something I said and got a pensive look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “You need to stop shoulding on yourself and get the should out of your vocabulary.” That startled me. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was saying or why it was important. I remember thinking, how would I ever get anything accomplished without “should”? That little word had quietly run my life for such a long time, and I hadn’t even realized how much power it had. It sounded responsible, even spiritual. I should be further along. I should handle this better. I shouldn’t still be struggling with this. What was wrong with that? My sponsor continued, “Should implies judgment.” When you use it, you’re judging everyone involved, including yourself.

I was confused. To me, those thoughts felt like motivation and good goal setting. But when I paused and took a look at them, I saw something different. “Should” was not helping me. It kept me stuck in defensiveness. It became another explanation for why I never faced my problems. I thought I “should,” but I never took real action. I confused the thought with actual change. Without fully realizing it, it left me feeling like a failure. I was shoulding on myself. I was comparing myself to an imaginary version of who I thought I “should” be instead of being honest about who I really was. It was just another layer of denial. Recovery is showing me that “should” isn’t an asset in my life. It’s an illusion of control that soothes my ego rather than seeing myself how I really am. Thinking that I never measure up feeds into shame and eventually turns into resentment.

My sponsor’s observation led me to do some writing and step work. I started to see how “should” kept me from being honest. That internal conflict leaked out of me in the form of being disagreeable. I was either defending myself, accusing someone else, or quietly blaming God for my situation. “Should” gave me something to think about instead of something to do. In recovery, I’m learning that I can’t think my way into change but I can act my way into better behaviors. When I’m willing to look at my part, without excuses, I finally step out of defensiveness. That honesty opens the door for me to rebuild my life.

Letting go of “should” has helped me stop lying to myself. When I stop telling myself how things should be, I can finally see how things really are, how I really am. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding. Recovery is teaching me that I don’t have to change everything at once, I just have to deal with what’s right in front of me. When I stay honest about where I am and take the next right step, I feel better about who I am and where I am. That’s how recovery works for me. I show up, tell the truth, and do the work that’s in front of me today. I trust the outcome to God.

Prayer

Father, help me stop shoulding on myself. Show me where I’m judging instead of being honest. Give me the courage to take the next right step and trust You with the outcome. Thank You for meeting me with grace, not condemnation. Amen.

Only a Symptom

Usually what shows up on the surface isn’t the real issue.

Looking Beneath the Behavior

Be sure you live out the message and do not merely listen to it, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22

I was reading in the Big Book and something jumped out at me: Alcohol is but a symptom. So, we must get down to causes and conditions. It landed pretty hard. Harder than I would have thought. I started to think and ask myself how does this apply to me as a codependent. If alcohol is merely a symptom, what in my life is only a symptom? What am I reacting to? What behaviors keep showing up that I don’t like? What am I doing that is hurting me or others, and do I keep repeating it? Those are the things I need to look closer at. I started asking what those behaviors might be pointing to. What causes and conditions are underneath them?

I realized that is what a Fourth Step inventory is for, and why it is so important. It helps me look honestly at why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel. Those behaviors aren’t random, and they aren’t the real problem. They are patterns rising up from hurt and pain that I never learned how to deal with. I also read that my troubles are mostly of my own making. That tells me my best thinking got me here. I did not cause everything that happened to me or the pain that shaped these behaviors, but it is up to me to do something about them if I want things to change. I need healing and renewal if I want to live and act differently.

That healing and renewal is something only God can do, but I need to ask for His help. I have to humble myself to God, surrender my will to Him, and ask for His guidance to walk me through the process. I also have a part, my part, and that means I have to take action. I am learning that renewal does not happen automatically through awareness alone. It emerges as I walk through the process of working the steps. This shows up as I write honestly, tell the truth to others, and keep listening and being vulnerable.

As I do my part, God does what only He can do. That’s recovery. Because it is in the doing that my transformation and healing become real. Step work helps me see my hurt and pain, it helps me see my part, it helps me surrender to God, it helps me make amends, and it helps me heal. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
God, thank You for showing me that my behavior is often a symptom of something deeper. Help me look honestly at my patterns and not turn away from what I find. I surrender my will to You today and ask for Your guidance. Give me the courage to do the work that leads to real and lasting change. Amen.