Giving Back

Giving back is not about fixing anyone. Sometimes it is just showing up

Freely you have received; freely give. Matthew 10:8

When I first came into recovery, Andy T. was the first person I connected with. He was what they called an old timer, someone who had been active in recovery for a long time. Active did not just mean sober. It meant he kept coming to meetings (plural), worked the steps with a sponsor, and sponsored others. I met Andy in a newcomers meeting, my very first meeting and for a while my only one. After the meeting, he talked with me, encouraged me to keep coming back, and gave me his phone number. I called him more times than I care to admit.

What I did not understand at first was why someone with over forty five years in recovery would still need to come to a newcomers meeting. Being new, I was a bit skeptical, so I asked him. His answer surprised me. He said he came for me. Not because he needed the meeting, but because newcomers need to see that recovery works and that people stay. He didn’t have an agenda to teach or fix the newbies, Andy just showed up and shared his experience strength and hope. I learned right away that giving back is not about having all the answers or words to say. It is about being present. It is just being there and being willing to walk with someone who is brand new and unsure

That lesson still challenges me. Newcomers need to hear recovery from old timers, people who are living it, not just talking about it. Giving back keeps recovery alive in both them and me. After practicing recovery for almost two decades now, I realize that I might be the person who needs to show up for someone newer. If I am not showing up where the need is, I am missing part of what was freely given to me. Recovery was never meant to stop with me. It is meant to be passed on, one conversation, one meeting, one act of willingness at a time.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for the people who freely gave to me when I was new and unsure. Help me stay willing to give back in the same way, by showing up, listening, and sharing honestly. Keep me mindful that what I have received is meant to be shared. Amen.

As I Understood Him

Recovery didn’t change God… it changed how I saw Him.

You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God. Colossians 3:10

I used to think that since I am already a believer in Jesus, I did not need any steps except One, Jesus. I clung to the phrase “Jesus and me, we make a majority”. I thought that embracing the 12 Steps was literally taking a step down to a lower level of reality. My belief not only made it hard for me to walk into the rooms in the first place, but I resisted it so much that I encouraged others to resist it too. When I did finally come to recovery, I was very cautious and skeptical because I struggled with the wording of Step Three. “We surrender our life and will to the care of God as we understood Him”. I got stuck on that phrase. I was not open minded. I thought it was suggesting that I could create a God of my own making. I thought it was saying I could invent my own version of God, and that is idolatry. It felt completely wrong to me.

Over time, as I listened and meditated and thought about the wording, something softened in me. I realized I had been hearing what I thought it said and what I may have heard others say instead of what it actually said. It did not say the God of my understanding. It said God as I understood Him. That one small shift in wording opened something big inside me. That realization took a weight off me I did not even know I was carrying. It dawned on me. It was not saying that I was creating a different God or my own God. It meant I was growing in how I understood the same God I had always believed in. He has not changed. He has always been the same. But the way I saw Him began to change. My old ideas and the fears that I had attached to God started breaking down. Instead of seeing Him as strict, disappointed, or waiting for me to mess up, I began to see Him through the lens of grace. The Bible says it is by grace we are saved. And although I knew that intellectually, because of my thinking, I still perceived Him as a God of judgment and felt like I could never get His approval because I was not good enough.

Now my understanding of God looks different than it did back then. I see Him as loving and gentle and patient with me. I see Him offering forgiveness, compassion, and second chances that never run out. He gives unlimited do overs. I see Him accepting me as I really am, not as how I think I should be. I no longer feel like I have to earn His approval. And the more my understanding changes, the more peace I feel. Now I breathe easier, especially in moments when I catch myself lifting my head a little higher, throwing my shoulders back, and smiling because I feel safe with Him. Recovery has not changed God. Recovery has changed how I perceive Him, and that change has changed everything. I now accept that He brings me comfort, hope, and joy that I did not have before.

Reflection: What old beliefs about God do I need to let go of so I can live the new life He is forming in me?

Scraping Ice

Sometimes clarity starts with doing the things I don’t want to do.

We can’t allow ourselves to get tired of living the right way. Galatians 6:9

One of my “favorite“ things to do in the winter is scraping the ice off the windshield of my car every morning. I say that tongue in cheek because it is one of my least favorite things. I stand there in the cold, hands hurting, clothes getting wet and wishing the ice would magically just disappear. I am a hot weather person and I would take a hot sunny day over a cold day every single day and twice on Sunday. If I was to say I hate cold weather I don’t think that would be too strong a word. As I was begrudgingly clearing my windows of this loathsome task, I started thinking about other things in my life that I don’t like to do, but I do them anyway. It is frustrating, inconvenient, and uncomfortable… but the payoff is greater than the pain. In this case the windshield clears. My day moves forward. The discomfort has a purpose and eventually passes.

I started thinking about how recovery has been the same way. There were things I didn’t want to face, and for years I avoided them. I pretended they weren’t there, hoping they would melt on their own. My sponsor once told me that in order to recover I needed “face everything and recover.” That was his acronym for fear, and apparently I had a lot of it and didn’t see it in myself. I didn’t like it, but I needed it. I have learned that the only way out is through. I couldn’t run, hide, ignore, or avoid anymore. I had to face the decisions, the conversations, the truths, the parts of myself I didn’t want to see. Moment by moment and a little bit at a time.

Today I’m grateful because, by working the steps, I can now confront those things that I avoided and ran from before. I am learning how to face the challenges in front of me one by one. I try to focus on doing what’s right for today, and trust that God will handle the outcomes. This allows me to take in grace with each breath and let out fear with each exhale. And little by little, I am seeing things more clearly.

Prayer: Father, thank You for helping me face the things I would rather avoid. Give me the strength to keep doing what is right even when it feels uncomfortable. Help me trust that each step forward matters and that You are clearing my view as I keep moving. Amen.

Doing His Job

Trusting the One who sees the road.

So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together for good… Romans 8:28

I read a post on social media where someone was upset about driving on the highway behind a highway patrol officer. The officer was going about five miles over the speed limit for thirty or forty miles, and all the traffic moved at his pace. What bothered the person was not that traffic was crawling, but that it was not moving fast enough for their liking. The officer was criticized for being unreasonable and inconsiderate. What stood out to me was that the officer was doing exactly what his job required. Highway patrol is literally in the name. He was hired to manage traffic, keep it flowing safely, and look out for the public’s best interest, whether it was appreciated or not.

At first, I thought the complaint sounded unrealistic. The officer was already above the speed limit and clearly focused on safety and flow. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw myself. I get frustrated when things do not move at the pace I expect. I want answers, progress, healing, or change to happen faster. When they do not, I question the process. Sometimes I question God. Why are You not going faster? Why does this feel stalled? Why am I still here? Just like the driver on the highway, I focus on my urgency instead of the bigger picture unfolding in front of me.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that God is doing His job too. He is not passive or absent. He is guiding, protecting, and keeping things moving in ways I may not recognize in the moment. Just because I do not like the pace does not mean nothing is happening. It does not mean I am not moving, growing, or making progress. Acceptance, for me, is trusting that God sees the whole road when I only see my lane. He sees what lies ahead, what I cannot yet see. It means trusting that He is working things out for my good, even when progress feels slower than I want. When I let go of my expectations for how fast life should move, I begin to notice that His peace is already here, right where I am. I am still moving forward, still growing, even when it does not feel like it.

Prayer
God, thank You for continually looking out for my best interest and leading me. Help me accept and understand that Your pace is keeping me safe. Give me Your peace and grace to trust that You are guiding me, even when I am not aware. Thank You for working things out for my good. Amen.

Plan And Adjust

My plan was not the only plan.

Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23

My wife and I were going to take a vacation trip up the coast. I had everything planned out, the place and time we would pick up the rental car, where and when we would stop for lunch, what time we would arrive at our destination and check into our room, and when and where we would have dinner. I had it ALL planned out. It was going to be an amazing trip. I compared prices and found the best deal for renting our car. I was going to save $60 by renting from the rental place at the airport. Except when we went to pick up our rental car at the airport, I realized that the only place to leave our car was the parking lot at the airport, and it would cost me $12 a day to leave our car there. I was so upset and embarrassed. Paying that much for parking would end up costing me more for our rental car than if I had rented from another place. I could not shake my thinking. I was angry, embarrassed, upset, frustrated, anxious. I could not realize a solution to this dilemma. I had angrily resigned myself to the fact that I now had to pay the extra money to rent this car or go all the way across town to another rental car place, which would totally throw me off schedule.

Then my wife made a simple suggestion. “Why don’t we just pick up this rental car and drop off our car at our house? We live only a few minutes away.” I could not believe it. What a great idea. Suddenly I was aware that there was another option than what I had predetermined. And this option brought peace with it. Anger, embarrassment, and frustration all disappeared, and humbleness surfaced as I became willing to embrace a new idea that was not my own.

I decided to attempt to embrace this non-rigid thinking and apply it to our entire trip. And the result was that it turned out to be one of the very best trips we have ever had. It was so much fun. I decided to plan but also be flexible and adjust in the moment. Many times during our trip I encountered things that were not part of my plan. As I was open to adjusting to each situation, I found it easier the next time. Eventually my plan evolved into not having a rigid plan for everything. What a release of pressure and infusion of peace. Now I try to embrace this thinking in all areas of my life, have a plan but also be willing to adjust to changes.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for showing me that flexibility brings peace. Help me to plan with wisdom but also to remain open to change, trusting that Your Spirit will guide me. Amen.

Willingness and Goodwill

How God prepared my heart long before I was willing.

The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Psalm 37:23

After leaving the ministry, I struggled to find a job in a way I never had before. I was depressed and it showed. One friend told me he knew who I was and what I was capable of, but he would never hire me because I was such a downer. That hurt, but it was true. I needed to pick myself up. At first, I did it outwardly, not because I felt better, but because I needed to function. Eventually, I was hired as a manager with Goodwill Industries. I had no idea what I would really be doing there or the impact it would have on me and my perspective. Looking back, I can see now that God was leading me toward healing and wholeness, even though I was not aware of it at the time.

Working at Goodwill changed me in ways I did not expect. I worked with people who were disadvantaged or disabled, many of whom were learning very basic life and work skills. Things like setting an alarm clock, showing up on time, and being ready to work mattered more than resumes or ambition. As I walked alongside them, something began to shift in me. I was no longer as dogmatic or critical toward those I once viewed as less fortunate. I started seeing them as equals. It does not please me to admit this, but it is the truth, and my healing and recovery depend on me being honest. I began to accept and listen to others. I became willing to consider possibilities I had never allowed before. I met and became friends with people whose beliefs were completely opposite of mine, yet I discovered we often valued the same things, just for very different reasons. I became aware of my tendency to prejudge people and made a conscious effort to stop. Over time, I broke free from the suffocating grip of being judgmental. I thought God gave me that job so I could help others, but I can see now that God placed me there so others could help me. God used them to transform me.

What I could not see then was how much that season was preparing me. At the time, I had completely rejected recovery. I openly refuted it and even spoke against it in my teachings and sermons. I was certain it was unnecessary. And yet, I was working every day with people who were in recovery, watching them learn basic skills, rebuild their lives, and move forward in practical ways. Somehow, I overlooked that. I did not connect the dots. I can see now that God was placing me close enough to recovery to witness its fruit, but not yet willing to accept it for myself. That season softened me. It humbled me. It slowed me down. It did not change everything, and it did not lead me straight into recovery. But it created a crack. The hardness around my heart and the walls around my thinking began to weaken. Nearly ten years later, when I finally hit my bottom, I was no longer as closed as I once had been. God had been preparing me long before I was willing to admit I needed help.

Prayer
Father, thank You for leading me patiently, even when I could not recognize it at the time. Thank You for using ordinary work and ordinary people to soften my heart and reshape my thinking. Help me trust that You are still guiding me, one step at a time, even when I do not yet understand where You are leading. Amen.

Resenting the Weather

Letting go of expectations I can’t control

Make sure that no bitterness grows in you to cause trouble, which disturbs many people.
Hebrews 12:15

I do yard sales to supplement my income. It’s one of the ways I try to make ends meet. I buy liquidated merchandise and sell mostly online, but a couple times a month I open the garage doors and have a sale. Everything is on shelves and labeled and organized. Now that it’s set up, it’s fairly easy to manage.

One thing I’ve learned though is that for a yard sale to be successful, the weather has to cooperate. If it’s too hot, people don’t want to come out. If it’s too cold, most stay home except for the diehards. Wind or rain? Forget it. That’s a deal breaker. So good weather is essential, and for me that means seventy to eighty degrees, no wind, and clear skies. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no control over the weather. None whatsoever. And that frustrates the heck out of me, especially because it always seems like the times when the weather is bad are the times when I need the extra income the most. Before I know it, I get resentful. I’m irritated by the rain, agitated by the wind, and I can’t stand the cold. I catch myself getting offended by things that I don’t like anyway.

In my recovery, I’ve learned that when I catch myself getting angry over something completely out of my control, I need to stop and ask myself why it bothers me. The answer usually isn’t complicated. In this case, I’m upset because I can’t control the weather. That’s how resentment works. Most resentments, past and present, come from unrealistic expectations. I’ve heard it said that unrealistic expectations are future resentments, and I have found that to be true in my life every time.

My solution starts with slowing down and naming what I’m actually feeling: frustration, anger, powerlessness. Then I write about it. I ask and answer the questions I need to face. Why does this bother me? Why does this situation make me feel powerless? When I do that, I can usually identify my part. More often than not, it connects back to something inside me that feels not good enough. That is my core issue. Writing helps me see what I can and cannot control. It helps me ask better questions, like whether this is something I can change or something I need to accept. From there, I can choose a healthier response. That’s where resentment begins to loosen its grip, and that’s where quiet healing and freedom start to take root. When I follow this process in a timely way, I don’t end up owing anyone an amends. That isn’t just success. That is growth, and I’m deeply grateful for what these principles have brought into my life.

Prayer

God, help me recognize when I am holding unrealistic expectations. Keep me from letting them turn into resentments. Help me see the good in things when I feel frustrated or upset. Give me the willingness to release things to You instead of trying to control them. Show me my part more quickly, and give me the willingness to respond differently. Thank You, Lord, for the changes You are making in me. I am grateful for the growth that comes when I apply these principles in my life. Amen.

Small Town America

Doing what’s right, even when there is no crisis.

We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. Hebrews 2:1

I love small town America where I now live. Life moves at a slower pace, and I’m grateful for that. But along with calmer surroundings, there are also fewer recovery meetings. When I lived in a more urban area, a thirty- or forty-minute drive to a meeting didn’t seem unusual; it was part of life and you just got used to it. Now out in a rural area, that same thirty-minute drive through the desert feels more like a whole ordeal. Yet in reality, on the clock it’s the exact same amount of time. The only difference is my perspective has changed. That’s how recovery works too. It’s all about perspective.

When I start to think that going to a meeting is too far away or is inconvenient, I ask myself one question: How important is it? The answer usually brings everything back into focus. There may only be one meeting each week in this area, but it’s there and I can go. I’ve learned that I need meetings not just when I’m struggling, but when life feels stable and comfortable. Those are the times when complacency can creep in, and I can get squirrely real fast. I remember how desperate I was in the beginning. I didn’t care when or where the meeting was; I went because I needed help. The only thing that’s different is now I am not in crisis.

I was talking about this with my sponsor, and he mentioned that he attends online meetings several times a week. I knew there were online meetings, but quite honestly, I had forgotten about them. His reminder got me curious, so I attended one. I liked it and got a lot out of it, so I went to another. It has been such a blessing. There are online meetings happening around the clock. So even in a rural area like where I live, I can now find a meeting almost any time of day. And I do several each week. It reminded me that staying connected often starts with remembering what’s already available.

I remember what the old timers told me in the beginning. They said, “Don’t ever forget, you need to dance with the one that brought you.” I can easily drift off course if I stop doing the things that I did in the beginning that eased the pain and helped me start to get my mind straight. There will always be reasons why I may want to miss a meeting, work, family, being tired, or thinking I’m “all better now.” But when I keep doing what I know is right, I stay connected to God and to others. I am realizing that knowing the right thing to do isn’t enough if I stop doing it. Scripture warns how easy it is for me to drift off course when my attention fades, and recovery has proven that to be true for me more than once. How important is my recovery? My recovery, like my faith, depends on consistency, not convenience. When I remember that, my viewpoint shifts again, back into alignment, and peace returns.

Prayer:
Father, I am grateful that You keep opening my eyes to things I never saw before. I am glad that I do have meetings I can go to. Help me keep doing what I know is right, and give me the discipline to continue even when I don’t feel like it. Amen.

I Am My Own Qualifier

I stopped explaining myself and started owning my part.

We always think we are right, until the Lord shows us our motives. Proverbs 16:2

I went to my first recovery meeting not because of alcoholism in my own life, or in the life of someone close to me, but because I read an article that said 12 Step recovery programs offer a solution for people who are controlling and manipulative. I was looking for a solution because I had just read a comment about myself on an internet message board that said I was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. That stopped me cold. I immediately pushed back. I was not abusive. And yet, those words quietly began to churn inside me. I could not shake the feeling that they might be true. My first instinct was to fix it. I am a fixer. That is what I do. I thought I could just fix this too. I grew up in an abusive home, and I was determined never to repeat that. I had never raised my hand or my voice. I had never threatened anyone. I never even thought of hurting anyone, EVER. I did not see myself as abusive at all.

It was not until I started working my Fourth Step inventory that the truth began to surface, and it was something I could no longer avoid. The only reason I ever found that message board in the first place was because I had been snooping through the browsing history on our family computer. I told myself I was just trying to understand what was going on, trying to make sense of why my family was falling apart. But as I continued working through my inventory, the truth was impossible to ignore, and I had to admit what it really was. That was manipulation. That was control. Once I saw myself actually doing the things that the message board described, I was embarrassed. I wanted to believe no one else could see it, but the truth was everyone knew long before I did.

When I finally walked into that first meeting, something unexpected happened. I realized I belonged. I qualified, not just because of my family of origin and their lifelong struggle with alcoholism and addiction, but because of my own behaviors. The fixing. The controlling. The managing. The way I tried to change everyone else while ignoring myself. Suddenly, all the times friends and coworkers had gently suggested I consider recovery meetings made sense. They were not criticizing me. They were recognizing patterns they had already faced in their own lives and were trying to carry the message to me. I am grateful I finally embraced it. Through working the steps, I began to take responsibility for my actions and for how they showed up in my relationships. I respect other people’s personal space now. I no longer snoop or invade privacy. I accept that others hold opinions different from mine without needing to challenge, correct, or control them. I no longer feel responsible to fix everyone. I still catch myself slipping into old patterns at times, but today I recognize it sooner, take responsibility for it, and turn it over to God. I do not have to be obsessed with the outcome anymore.

Prayer
Lord, thank You for revealing to me the truth I could not see on my own. I want to be responsible for my actions. Help me remain teachable and open to change. When I feel the urge to control or fix others, remind me to pause, release it to You, and trust You with the outcome. Amen.

My Conscious Contact With God

Conscious Contact: Choosing connection over perfection

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out. Step Eleven

I was sitting in a meeting, and like we always do, we read through the Twelve Steps at the beginning. I have heard them hundreds, maybe thousands of times. But this time, Step Eleven landed differently. The wording stood out to me in a way it never had before. This statement seems so simple, but it is profound and powerful. I was also very thankful that this is Step Eleven and not Step One. I would not have been able to do this at the beginning. I did not have the honesty, the humility, or the willingness yet. But now, at this stage, I can see it more clearly. If I could have lived Step Eleven from the start, I would have. I tried but I could not. I did not know how and I was not ready yet.

What stood out most to me was the simplicity of what this step is really asking. I am not praying for outcomes, control, or relief from discomfort. I am seeking God, asking only for the knowledge of His will for me and asking for the power to carry it out. That means I am learning how to be a better person, how to have peace, and how to respond instead of react. It means asking God to do for me what I cannot do for myself. Asking Him to reveal to me what I do not see and what I do not yet know. To give me strength where I am weak. Sometimes that comes as insight, inspiration, correction, or simply a nudge to change something I have been avoiding. This is not about perfection. It is about direction. It is about connection. It is a lifelong pursuit of peace, experienced both in the temporal and the eternal. It doesn’t get any simpler. And it doesn’t get any better than that.

Step Eleven is placed exactly where it belongs. After I have worked through the other steps, honesty, humility, surrender, responsibility, and service begin to manifest in me. As I let go of resentment, hurt, and pain, I realize that I am worthy of accepting and giving love. Then I am clear and free to seek God and try to carry this message to others. I cannot give away something I am not living. I cannot carry a message if I am not seeking God myself. As I seek Him, I experience peace, healing, and freedom, just as promised in the recovery solution. And then I am equipped to share a real lived message with others. Not theory. Not advice. Experience.

Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. Psalm 25:4–5

When I Lost My Cool

Seeing my part, owning it, and releasing the rest

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. James 1:19–20

Today was not my finest hour. I had an epic fail in my recovery walk. I told one of my employees to shush and slammed my hand down on the desk. I am not proud of how I behaved. There was an upset client who was not able to pay his bill, and I was asked to come and help with the situation. From the moment I stepped in, everything was loud and unmanageable. I began to diffuse the situation. I wanted to calm the client down and get him the help he needed to pay his bill. The employee who asked me to help stood behind me, constantly talking over my shoulder to the client I was helping. Then the client got on the phone with his financial lender. He was an older gentleman. He put his phone on speakerphone so I “could hear.” His call, however, was answered by an AI. He thought he was speaking to a real person. He did not realize it was AI. When the AI was not responding to his request, he got more upset. On top of that, the AI kept repeating its questions for him to answer. At the end of his rope, the client started to get even louder because he thought the AI could not hear or understand him. I tried to explain that he was talking to an automated system and suggested asking for an operator or agent. He got furious and slammed his phone down on the counter and walked out, leaving his phone behind on the counter, still on speaker, and the AI still asking, Are you still there? Each time it did, my employee kept yelling YES! over the top of me so the AI could hear her. This happened again and again, many times.

After several minutes, the man came back in. I was still trying to calm him down and at the same time help him get his bill paid. He was not the only client there who needed help, so all of this drama had an eager and willing audience. Each time the client asked me a question, while I was answering, my employee would raise her voice to answer too, talking over me. The whole time, the AI was still on speaker and still asking, Are you still there? and my employee was still shouting YES! each time. All of this noise just made things worse and the client even more frustrated. Now, as I think about it, it was actually quite humorous. You could not make this stuff up. Finally, I turned around to my employee, slammed my hand down on the desk, and said, “Shush!!” I said, “You called me here to handle this. Let me handle it and stop talking over me.” Once she quieted, I was able to get the client calmed down. I was able to resolve the situation with his bill, and he left peacefully, but the way I handled myself did not sit right with me.

I knew I had work to do. The employee’s bad behavior did not justify or excuse mine. Recovery has taught me that I need to figure out what my part was and make amends for it, which I did. Once things quieted down, I went to my employee and apologized for saying shush. She said, “And slamming your hand on the desk too?” I said, “Yes, and for slamming my hand on the desk too. I apologize for both. That was not necessary and out of line.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but even in my amends I still left something out. But I did correct it in the moment. And I did resist the urge to defend my actions or explain anymore. I refused to jump into more chaos when this employee tried to defend her actions and pull me back into it. I simply said, “I just wanted to apologize for how I behaved,” and left it at that. I’m still a work in progress. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did do it. I made things right where I could, and let the rest go, giving it over to God.

Reflection

Where am I tempted to defend myself instead of owning my actions?

Being Present Without Guilt

Learning to enjoy where my feet are.

Recovery has taught me that I don’t have to justify every moment or fix myself before I can enjoy what’s right in front of me. Sometimes the simplest thing is just being present.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:12

We have a few simple traditions during the Christmas season. One of them is driving around town and looking at the Christmas lights and decorations on the houses. There are a few neighborhoods that really go all out. They have lots and lots of lights. Some are synchronized to music, with cutouts and blow ups of all the characters. Some nights Santa is out there handing out candy canes. It’s a lot of fun. We make hot cocoa and pour it into our cups, and sometimes, if we have a few extra dollars, we stop by a local place and pick one up. We play Christmas music on the radio and sing along. We have a really good time as a family. No electronic devices. No distractions. No competing voices. Just us hanging out together doing one simple thing, and it is beautiful. It is absolutely one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. True confession, we do it several times and always one last time on Christmas Eve.

For a long time, I was not able to enjoy simple moments like that. In recovery, it is easy for me to stay focused on my faults, my shortcomings, and my character defects. I have a tendency to live in fourth step mode, always taking inventory, always looking for what needs to be fixed. One of the blessings of completing my inventory and continuing through the rest of the steps was learning to see the good things in life and the good things about me. That was not easy. It took my sponsor prompting me to even try. But somewhere along the way, as I stopped defining myself only by what was broken, I was able to see some good things about myself. This in turn also made it possible to see the good in others and in simple moments without guilt getting in the way. I also stopped feeling like these simple things were unimportant. They didn’t have to have a purpose, and they didn’t have to be earned. I could just be there.

Before recovery, guilt and the feeling of never being enough followed me everywhere, even into special moments with my family. Those feelings leaked out of me and I quietly spoiled what should have been joyful times. Today, I am able to enjoy the little things without overthinking them. I can think about our simple traditions and feel grateful instead of distracted by what I think is wrong with me or what I should be doing instead. I am not trying to fix myself or prove anything in those moments. I am just there with my family, present for what is happening, and that is something I never want to take for granted. It really is that simple. Being present without an agenda or a purpose feels liberating to me. It makes me feel whole, like I have finally grown up.

Prayer
Father, thank You for teaching me how to be present in the moment. Thank You for showing me that I can enjoy simple things without an agenda, just because. Help me continue to live in the moment and appreciate the ordinary. Teach me to show up fully, with an open heart, and to enjoy the good You place in front of me today. Amen.

Wherever I Go

There are meetings everywhere.

One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4:6

Whenever I travel anywhere, I make it a point to find a local meeting. I’ve been to meetings in many different places, New York, Oregon, Ohio, and California. Sometimes the meeting was in a church basement, a school classroom, or even a hospital annex. I’ve been to AA, NA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, ACOA, Celebrate Recovery, and group therapist-led recovery meetings. But in all these different settings, what always amazed me was how familiar each one felt. The moment I walked in, I saw different surroundings, different faces, different voices, and different towns, but the same hurts and the same desire to be free. The same readings, the same steps, the same language of hope and honesty.

What I’ve learned from all those experiences is that recovery works anywhere because truth works everywhere. The settings and the people may change, but the principles of recovery remain the same. They’re not limited by geography or personality. They work because they’re based on God’s Word, and He’s the One behind the healing and restoration process. The people and the rooms might look different on the outside, but on the inside we’re all just people looking for help, trying to be free from pain. We’re all experiencing similar feelings.

Today I’m grateful that I can find a meeting even when I’m not at home. There’s safety in knowing that wherever I go, and whichever meeting I find, the same principles are being practiced by people who are trying to find the same solutions I am. I’m not alone in this journey. The rooms may look different, but the message is always the same. God’s grace is there, working through people, helping us all heal one day at a time.

Prayer

Father, thank You for being the same wherever I go. Thank You for showing me that recovery works because You are working in it. Help me keep doing the work, staying honest, and trusting You to bring healing and restoration in every place and every life. Amen.

My Path Toward Freedom

Peace isn’t found in fixing others.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Living in freedom didn’t happen all at once for me. It came in small, bite-sized pieces, a series of subtle shifts that I didn’t even notice until I stopped and looked back. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in recovery has been learning to stop giving unsolicited advice. It sounds simple, but after a lifetime of trying to fix everyone and everything around me, it wasn’t easy. At first, I didn’t even notice when I was doing it. I’d walk away from a conversation and realize, maybe hours or days later, that I’d offered my opinion when nobody asked. Then I started noticing it sooner, right after I said something, and almost always regretting it, wishing I had kept my mouth shut. It was humbling, and usually embarrassing.

Over time, my awareness started showing up sooner. I’d catch myself in the middle of talking; it was surreal, like watching the words come out of my mouth and wishing I could grab them and pull them back in. That was a strange, uncomfortable season; my mouth was on autopilot, advertising the brokenness in my heart. But I noticed it was progress, because I was becoming aware while it was happening instead of hours later. Eventually, I started recognizing the thoughts in my head, and I’d say to myself, “No one asked for your opinion!” That simple reminder started to change everything. I began stopping the words before they could escape from my lips. Just as the Just for Today bookmark reminded me, “I will not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself,” I didn’t have to fix, rescue, or manage anyone else. My job was to focus on me and let God handle the rest.

Learning to keep my nose on my own face brought me a kind of peace I didn’t even know I was missing. I no longer felt the need to get everyone else to do things my way, you know, the right way. But the real gift came when I was able to accept people as they were and allow them to have their own process and have it still be okay. I didn’t have to have the last word or offer the right solution. I could listen, be supportive, and let God work without my interference. The more I practiced that, the more accepted and at ease I felt around others. I was no longer judging other people’s choices, emotions, or outcomes. I finally was able to breathe deeply and let life unfold without my input. The slogan Let Go and Let God finally came alive in me. That’s when I began to understand that peace isn’t found in fixing others, it’s found in letting God change me.

Prayer:

God, thank You for setting me free, and for allowing me to learn and grow at my own pace. I’m grateful that You accept me just as I am. Teach me to keep holding my tongue and to stop passing judgment on others. Help me show them the same grace You have given me. Amen.

I Love Him So

When I stopped running, I realized He’d been chasing me all along.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Psalm 23:6

I gave my life to Christ when I was a teenager. When I heard the message of salvation, I accepted it with open arms. Not long after that, I unknowingly escaped into religion. Church became my safe place, a way to hide from the chaos and dysfunction of my home life.

For years I pursued God and a spiritual life the only way I knew how. I built my newfound life of hope and freedom on the broken foundation of survival skills developed by a child. I studied, prayed, and served. I went to Bible college and eventually became a minister. I was searching and longing for unconditional love and acceptance. But all to no avail. Hidden deep inside I still felt lacking and unfulfilled and became discouraged and depressed.

In working the steps of recovery, I began to realize something huge. The spiritual principles and concepts that I had so diligently sought after were surprisingly now tangible. In my thinking, I was to eternally seek but never actually attain. If I were to ever really be righteous or holy, then in my mind that meant I was prideful. But in recovery they became realistically attainable. My soul was broken and mangled from the abuse I experienced as a child. It needed to be mended. This caused a disconnect I was not able to fix. Recovery helped me see things as they really are. And the unconditional love that I had known about for years began to drip into my conscience, and I finally felt accepted and my heart began to heal.

Through recovery, I am learning that I can experience my life and not just hope for it.

As my healing emerged, I started to see how everything I had believed finally fit together in recovery. The same truths now had substance, and I began to live them.

Here’s what religious service looks like to me now:

• Willingness to change is repentance.

• Sponsorship is discipleship.

• Working the steps is putting aside old ways.

• Service is serving God.

• Carrying the message to others is sharing the good news.

It’s the same thing, just demystified and practical, every day where the rubber meets the road.

It was in recovery that my thinking changed from believing I had been seeking after Him my whole life to realizing He had been the Hound of Heaven, patiently pursuing me with fierce gentleness and reckless compassion, until I stopped and let Him catch me. That’s when He truly revealed Himself to me. I am so very grateful to God because He never stopped pursuing me. I love Him so.

Reflection

Have I stopped long enough to let God catch me, or am I still running even while serving Him?