Paul’s Thorn In The Flesh

Paul’s Thorn In The Flesh
In 2 Corinthians 12:7 Paul says that he had a “thorn in the flesh”. A misunderstanding of this phrase and the misinterpretation of this passage has caused much confusion and damage among many sincere believers. Let’s unpack this passage.

What Is A “Thorn In The Flesh”?
The first thing I want to point out is that the term “thorn in the flesh” is a figure of speech. Paul really didn’t have a thorn sticking into his skin. This term was a common expression in the Jewish mind and culture. The people of the time understood what this phrase meant. Today’s equivalent would be the phrase “Pain in the neck”. When a person says, “So and so is a pain in the neck.” They aren’t really saying that person is sticking out of their neck and causing them a physical pain in their neck area. What they are saying, and meaning is that person they are referring to is annoying them or causing them trouble of some kind. Here is the definition of the word “thorn” from the English Dictionary.
Noun
1. thorn – something that causes irritation and annoyance; “he’s a thorn in my flesh”
Irritant – pain in the ass, pain in the neck, bother, botheration, infliction, annoyance, pain – something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness; “washing dishes was a nuisance before we got a dish washer”; “a bit of a bother”; “he’s not a friend, he’s an infliction”
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/a+thorn+in+side
This is the thought that Paul was trying to convey. Something was annoying him and causing him continual trouble. He was not referring to an actual physical pain in his skin or his body.
Here are some other references of this same idiom or figure of speech in the scriptures.

Numbers 33:55
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it shall be that those whom you let remain shall beirritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell.

Joshua 23:13
know for certain that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations from before you. But they shall be snares and traps to you, and scourges on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from this good land which the LORD your God has given you.

Judges 2:3
Therefore I also said, ‘I will not drive them out before you; but they shall be thorns in your side, and their gods shall be a snare to you.’ “

Psalm 38:12
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me; Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction, And plan deception all the day long.

Ezekiel 28:24
“And there shall no longer be a pricking brier or a painful thorn for the house of Israel from among all who are around them, who despise them. Then they shall know that I am the Lord GOD.”

This was a common metaphor used in Jewish culture to indicate troubles or troublesome behavior from your enemy. Every single time it always referenced a person or group of people. And always an enemy. And always an enemy that the people needed to remove, and if the people refused to remove their enemies, then the enemies would be an ongoing problem for them. It never once referred to sickness or disease.

PAUL’S BACKGROUND
Another thing to note on this topic. Paul was a very educated man (Phil 3:5). In addition to him being a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee (Acts 23:6) He sat at the feet of Gamliel and was trained by him (Acts 22:3). Gamaliel was the president of the Great Sanhedrin in Jerusalem. Gamaliel holds a reputation in the Mishnah for being one of the greatest teachers in all the annals of Judaism.A pharisee was a person that was separated and devout to God. He studied the scriptures and committed them to memory. He followed all the laws and traditions faithfully.

QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A PHARISEE
The Jews in Jesus’ day had three levels of education, which was most likely instituted by Ezra after the exile in order to teach the people the Scriptures again. The first level was called ‘Bet Sefer’. At the ages of six through twelve, the Jewish boys and girls would begin their education in the synagogue school, learning how to read and write. The textbook was the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) and the goal was to memorize the sacred text.For a Rabbinic Jew (those that would be asked to be Pharisees), they would also have Oral Torah this is passed from teacher to student, face-to-face, it provides knowledge and methods of interpreting the written text to preserve the semiotics and hermeneutics of the original Torah so that it can be transferred to the next generation without error.The next level was the ‘Bet Midrash’. This was only for the best of the best. I would assume for those who indeed memorized the Torah. This level was from age thirteen to fifteen, where they continued studying and memorizing the entire Tanakh (in other words, the complete Old Testament). Very few were selected for this pursuit.The final level was the ‘Bet Talmud’, which was the longest in duration as it went from the age of 15 to 30. To participate, he must be invited by a Rabbi and, if selected, he would begin a process of grooming that would lead to the potential of becoming a Rabbi at age 30. Those who were chosen were referred to as Talmudic. They would literally follow in the dust of their rabbi – desiring to emulate him in all of his mannerisms. They would eat the same food in exactly the same way as their rabbi. They would go to sleep and awake the same way as their rabbi and, more importantly, they would learn to study Torah and understand God the exact same way as their rabbi.https://deurpost.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/consider-this/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharisees#The_Oral_Torah

Paul knew the scriptures, the Law and the Prophets. He knew the customs, traditions and how to interpret them too. It was Paul’s style in his writing (Paul wrote 2/3 of the New Testament.) to allude to and reference Old Testament passages and customs without necessarily saying “it is written” or quoting the reference. He did it often. Because of this, he was most likely referencing this idiom and these verses in his illustration.

Drive Out The Enemy
The idea and concept that these scriptures repeatedly convey is that if the children of Israel didn’t drive out their enemies completely then they enemies would hang around and be an ongoing torment to the children of Israel. It was not God’s will or plan. God told the children of Israel to drive out their enemies…. but they had to do it. They had to resist. They had to fight.
This is more aligned with the rest of Paul’s teaching and “because of the abundance of revelation” he received. What was the revelation that Paul did receive? It was the revelation of the authority of the believer over the devil. Paul knew that he needed to drive out the enemy. And most likely given this reference- it was something that he had previously failed to do. And this makes even more sense when you look at his comment that he “asked the Lord to remove” the enemy. That is exactly what the children of Israel said. And God told them the same thing. YOU need to drive out the enemy. I will not do it for you. Stop! Pause right now! Go back and read again the verses above one more time and look for these references.
When we read the Bible as a collective whole and not as segments we get the whole picture. Paul was saying I should have dealt the devil, but I didn’t, and I asked God to do it for me. God responded to him, “Hey I gave you the revelation now use it. You resist the devil you take authority over him.”

A Messenger
Paul then continues and says this “thorn in the flesh” was a messenger from satan sent to buffet him. The word messenger is the same Greek word for angel (demons are fallen angels). And this demon was sent from satan, not from God. Remember this phrase always refers to people, specific people too… Always refers to your enemy. ALWAYS!! No Exceptions. So, let’s get that straight.
Paul knowing this was an attack of the enemy- even in his metaphor “thorn in the flesh” carries that meaning. And Paul is the one person who had the revelation of the authority of the believer over all the works of the enemy (satan). He knew that we need to stand firm against the enemy, resist him, take our thoughts captive and be willing to punish all disobedience. (see Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4)

What is Buffeting?
The word buffet means to be beaten, to deal repeated blows with a clenched fist. This word is used 5 times in the New Testament and every time it refers to physical beatings with a clenched fist. Literally getting punched and beat up. This is exactly what we see happened to Paul in 2 Corinthians 11. Paul describes the many repeated blows he was dealt by this messenger of satan. Please STOP here! Go read 2 Corinthians chapter 11 and then continue to chapter 12.
Now that you have read this story in context you will see that Paul is describing one complete thought and message. Paul did not write in chapter and verse. He just wrote a letter. After having read these two chapters together you can see that Paul describes what this “thorn in the flesh” was and how it “buffeted” or beat him. Starting in Verse 22 of chapter 11, Paul specifically mentions stripes– (stripes is a term referring to being scourged. This was a common form of torture and punishment at the time. They scourged Jesus), prisons- (Paul was imprisoned many times for preaching that Jesus was the Messiah) deaths- (Paul was stoned to death, meaning he died, and was raised from the dead by the disciples around him – not the original 12 either Acts 14:19-20). It has been suggested that is how Paul’s wife died. She was present and stoned to death with him on one of these occasions. Five times Paul was scourged with 39 stripes, only 39 because their law said 40 would kill a person. So, 39 stripes was the most you could get before dying. Some however died before reaching 39. Maybe this was another death Paul experienced. Beaten with rods, shipwrecked, lost at sea, robbed by brothers and enemies. He goes on…. the point is that these things that happened to him were the “buffeting” by the messenger of satan that he refers to a few verses later. None of these things Paul mentions came from God. They came from the enemy. And not once in this list does Paul ever mention sickness or disease.

Flee From You

James 4:6-7 tells us that when we humble ourselves to God He gives us grace and this grace that God gives us makes the devil flee from US.

James 4:6-7
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud,But gives grace to the humble.” Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

As we have seen Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 exactly how this thorn in the flesh buffeted him. And this was just before (2 Corinthians 12:1-7) where he mentions the thorn in the flesh. Remember it’s all one thought and is congruous.
Paul says he asked God to make the devil leave him alone. Well, we know that’s never going to happen… we are promised persecution in this life if we stand up for Christ and His gospel. And what Paul mentions is most definitely persecution.

Did Paul Have An Eye Disease?
The idea that Paul had some sort of sickness or “eye disease” is not in scripture. It is a common modern theory and teaching that has evolved and grown since its introduction. The teaching is that when Paul was on the road to Damascus he fell to the ground and was blinded by a great light in Acts 9:4-9, that he developed an eye disease that he never was healed of. The problem or error in this teaching is that verse 9 says he was without sight for only 3 days. Also in verse s 12, 17, 18 it says that Ananias laid his hands on Paul and he was healed and received his sight. God does not “partially” heal and nowhere does it say that Paul was partially healed. This is all speculation. A theory devised to justify a teaching for those that do not believe its Gods will to heal.
Paul preached quite the opposite and even said so in his letter with his own hand. Paul said that the Lord had delivered him out of all of his troubles. (2 Timothy 3:11)
Paul had to do what we have to do. That is once we have a revelation or understanding of something- we will be tested to prove it and the testings come- Jesus said in Mark 4:15 that the devil comes immediately to try and steal our revelation from us.
Paul had the revelation that we as believers have authority over the devil and we need to resist him steadfast in our faith, Paul then had to put into practice what the Lord revealed to him. Paul needed to resist the devil.

Sufficient Grace
Paul also had the revelation of grace. That salvation is by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). It is Gods grace that provides for every need we have (Philippians 4:19) That grace enables us power over all the works of the enemy (Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4)
Jesus said my grace is more than enough to overcome any attacking the devil throws at you- you know his fiery darts. This is what sufficient means – more than enough. Even now my grammar auto correct wants me to change the word sufficient to enough.
Sufficient does not mean NO. It means enough, able to handle the task at hand.
If anything, sufficient means Yes! Absolutely yes. There is a part that we need to do. Walk in faith and speak the word of God, the promises of God and rebuke the devil, stand against and resist him.

Summary
In summary when we look at this story from 2 Corinthians chapters 11 & 12 in context we see that Paul is describing all the persecutions, sufferings and troubles that Paul endured for preaching Christ. They were the result of a messenger of satan- a demon- sent from the devil to beat Paul up and try to dissuade him from continuing. Paul uses the term thorn in the flesh to draw a parallel to his situations to those of the children of Israel. How they refused to utterly defeat their enemies and as a result their enemies remained as snares to them. Paul said he has revelation and that revelation was what he needed to use to deal with his enemies the same way the children of Israel were supposed to do. The inference by the exempla Paul chooses to draw upon is that he somewhere has refused to deal with the enemy and thus the enemy became a snare for him. A “thorn in the flesh”. This was not a sickness or disease, but Paul clearly states in his own words, a demonic angel troubling him through other people. And when Paul asked the Lord to make the demon leave him alone, the Lord told Paul to use the revelation of grace that God had shown him by his faith to resist the demonic entity. For God’s grace is more than enough to make the enemy depart.

The Look

Catching Pride in Real Time

What irritates me often reveals more about me than them.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment. Romans 12:3

I was driving to work the other day. I was cruising along with the cruise control on. Everything was fine. Then someone cut right in front of me into my lane, going about fifteen miles slower than I was. They did not ease in. They cut me off and I had to slam on my brakes so I would not hit them. I put my blinker on, went around them, and as I passed, I looked over and gave them “the look.”

After I passed them, I realized that I had just mean mugged the driver. I felt that familiar nudge from God to look inward. A self-examination moment. Why did I look at them? What was I hoping to accomplish with that look? I already got around them. I was no longer in danger. So what was that about? As I reflected on it for a few minutes, the honest answer was uncomfortable. I wanted them to feel small. I wanted them to know they were wrong. And when I stayed with that thought process a bit longer, I had to admit something deeper. In that moment, I thought I was better than them. I wanted to correct them. I was upset that I wasn’t in control over their driving. I wasn’t just irritated. I thought my time mattered more than theirs. Like I was entitled to the road. That’s an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Pride. A familiar character defect for me. That realization was hard to accept initially, but it was true.

Before recovery, I would not have even seen this. I most likely would have escalated it. I might have given “the look” and added a one-handed sign language to go with it, you know what I mean.

I have learned tools that help me. Like a spot check inventory. To ask myself why I do what I do in the moment. So that maybe next time I will be able to make a different choice. For today I will celebrate my progress and be thankful that I didn’t escalate things. And even more grateful that I was able to be aware of my behavior on my own without anyone else telling me. I’m glad that by seeking God’s will, He brings things like this to my attention. I am grateful that I am able to apply Step 10 to my daily life. To pause, look inward, and be honest with myself much sooner. Doing that helps me to let it go instead of carrying it with me all day.

Reflection
Where in my day do small reactions reveal something bigger going on inside me?

Avoiding Drama

Sometimes what I call drama is just something I don’t want to face.

I was really avoiding disappointment

You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.
John 5:39–40

I try to avoid drama at all costs. And I mean drama of any kind. I think most people do. But for me, the problem was this: anything that wasn’t what I wanted, I labeled as drama. Even though I knew that was unrealistic, knowing it didn’t stop me from thinking this way. And the tricky part is I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t conscious. If you had asked me, “Do you have unrealistic expectations?” I would have said no. If you asked, “Do you avoid things you don’t want by calling them drama?” I would have said no. And if you asked if I was in denial, I would have emphatically said, “Absolutely not.”

Why would I answer like this? Because facing disappointment hurts. When things don’t go my way, it often stirs up old painful feelings deep inside me. Feelings like I’m not good enough. Like I can’t do anything right. And I did whatever I could to avoid any feelings tied to rejection and failure. So instead of changing my expectations, I went looking for approval from the wrong people. People who didn’t even have what I was looking for to give. It reminds me of an analogy I’ve heard in meetings. I was going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread, and then getting angry they didn’t sell it. All the while ignoring the people God had already placed in my life who were freely offering the encouragement and approval I was desperate for.

That’s when I think about the story of the man who couldn’t swim stranded on a rooftop during a flood. He prayed for God to save him, but turned down a raft, a boat, and even a helicopter because he was waiting for God to do it his way. When he died and asked God why He didn’t help, God said, “I sent you help three times, you just refused it.” That story hits close to home. This is exactly how I am sometimes. I am looking for help in my way, and being so stuck in my own thinking, I actually miss how God has been trying to help me. I don’t need YOUR help. GOD is going to help me. I spent a lot of time waiting on God to help me my way. When help came through people I didn’t want to hear from, I ignored it. I told myself I was waiting on God, when in reality God was already answering. And when things don’t go the way I want or plan, then I interpret that as me being a failure and I feel rejected.

This is denial in its sneakiest form. Denial is so insidious that while I’m in it, I can’t see it. I can’t even admit I’m in denial, because denial convinces me that I’m not. Denial hides from itself. I can’t see it on my own. I need others to help me see what I’m missing. I can pray, meditate, and read Scripture daily and still miss the truth if my heart isn’t willing to change. God often uses people to point out where it’s still there. Recovery keeps teaching me this: healing and peace comes when I remain willing and open to change instead of spinning in self-deception. Denial wants me blind. God wants me free.

Prayer
Father, keep me willing. Show me when I’m resisting help instead of receiving it. Help me trust that You are already at work, even when it’s not my way. Thank You for helping me be free. Amen.

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Why “Should” Keeps Me Stuck

So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I was meeting with my sponsor over coffee. I was sharing with him some of my thoughts and plans when he picked up on something I said and got a pensive look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “You need to stop shoulding on yourself and get the should out of your vocabulary.” That startled me. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was saying or why it was important. I remember thinking, how would I ever get anything accomplished without “should”? That little word had quietly run my life for such a long time, and I hadn’t even realized how much power it had. It sounded responsible, even spiritual. I should be further along. I should handle this better. I shouldn’t still be struggling with this. What was wrong with that? My sponsor continued, “Should implies judgment.” When you use it, you’re judging everyone involved, including yourself.

I was confused. To me, those thoughts felt like motivation and good goal setting. But when I paused and took a look at them, I saw something different. “Should” was not helping me. It kept me stuck in defensiveness. It became another explanation for why I never faced my problems. I thought I “should,” but I never took real action. I confused the thought with actual change. Without fully realizing it, it left me feeling like a failure. I was shoulding on myself. I was comparing myself to an imaginary version of who I thought I “should” be instead of being honest about who I really was. It was just another layer of denial. Recovery is showing me that “should” isn’t an asset in my life. It’s an illusion of control that soothes my ego rather than seeing myself how I really am. Thinking that I never measure up feeds into shame and eventually turns into resentment.

My sponsor’s observation led me to do some writing and step work. I started to see how “should” kept me from being honest. That internal conflict leaked out of me in the form of being disagreeable. I was either defending myself, accusing someone else, or quietly blaming God for my situation. “Should” gave me something to think about instead of something to do. In recovery, I’m learning that I can’t think my way into change but I can act my way into better behaviors. When I’m willing to look at my part, without excuses, I finally step out of defensiveness. That honesty opens the door for me to rebuild my life.

Letting go of “should” has helped me stop lying to myself. When I stop telling myself how things should be, I can finally see how things really are, how I really am. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding. Recovery is teaching me that I don’t have to change everything at once, I just have to deal with what’s right in front of me. When I stay honest about where I am and take the next right step, I feel better about who I am and where I am. That’s how recovery works for me. I show up, tell the truth, and do the work that’s in front of me today. I trust the outcome to God.

Prayer

Father, help me stop shoulding on myself. Show me where I’m judging instead of being honest. Give me the courage to take the next right step and trust You with the outcome. Thank You for meeting me with grace, not condemnation. Amen.

Feeling Not Enough

Why I Reacted the Way I Did

However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never, never reject them.
John 6:37

We have some pretty big health concerns in our family right now, and the insurance we can afford is not the best for some of the things we need. That had never really bothered me before. But hearing what my family needs and realizing certain things were not covered hit something deep inside me. My mind immediately went to money. We don’t have better insurance because I don’t make enough. And right behind that came something even heavier. If I don’t make enough, then I’m not good enough. I have no value. No purpose. In that moment, what I felt was small, weak and hurt. Just like I did when I was a kid.

It only took a few minutes for me to examine my reaction and notice what was really happening, but unfortunately not before I spouted off in my agitation and said something hurtful to my wife. “I’m sorry we don’t have better insurance and I don’t make enough money.” And then I walked away. I knew I was over-reacting, but needed to figure out why. So, I started to write about it and I saw it right away. What I was really feeling had nothing to do with money or insurance. It was much deeper than that. It was the I am not good enough character defect that had surfaced again. And with it came the fear of rejection and abandonment. What I uncovered was the feeling deep inside me that if I’m not good enough, then I won’t be wanted. If I can’t provide what’s needed, then I’ll be left. And eventually, I’ll be alone. This wasn’t a conscious thought; it was lying dormant deep inside me. And it is what set me off. I was feeling less than and insecure, and I didn’t even realize it at the time.

That’s the story fear tries to convince me of if I allow it and don’t examine my reactions and motives. After writing about it, I was able to identify it, I apologized to my wife and humbled myself and shared my realization. She hugged me deeply, said thank you and assured me she loved me no matter what. I felt accepted and valued.

What I’m grateful for today is that I can identify this stuff and put it in its proper place. I can ask myself, why am I bothered, and tell the truth about what I’m feeling. I no longer carry unresolved feelings around for years. I can clean up what I say and own my part much sooner than I ever could before. Before recovery, I never would have examined my feelings and reactions. And I would never notice what I was really feeling and let it turn into resentment that I continually lived in. Now I feel it, name it, and let it go. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, show me what’s behind my reactions, especially when they are not warranted. Remind me that You never reject me and that I am accepted and loved by You. Help me to be open and honest with others so I can see how I am loved and accepted by them too. Amen.

Only a Symptom

Usually what shows up on the surface isn’t the real issue.

Looking Beneath the Behavior

Be sure you live out the message and do not merely listen to it, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22

I was reading in the Big Book and something jumped out at me: Alcohol is but a symptom. So, we must get down to causes and conditions. It landed pretty hard. Harder than I would have thought. I started to think and ask myself how does this apply to me as a codependent. If alcohol is merely a symptom, what in my life is only a symptom? What am I reacting to? What behaviors keep showing up that I don’t like? What am I doing that is hurting me or others, and do I keep repeating it? Those are the things I need to look closer at. I started asking what those behaviors might be pointing to. What causes and conditions are underneath them?

I realized that is what a Fourth Step inventory is for, and why it is so important. It helps me look honestly at why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel. Those behaviors aren’t random, and they aren’t the real problem. They are patterns rising up from hurt and pain that I never learned how to deal with. I also read that my troubles are mostly of my own making. That tells me my best thinking got me here. I did not cause everything that happened to me or the pain that shaped these behaviors, but it is up to me to do something about them if I want things to change. I need healing and renewal if I want to live and act differently.

That healing and renewal is something only God can do, but I need to ask for His help. I have to humble myself to God, surrender my will to Him, and ask for His guidance to walk me through the process. I also have a part, my part, and that means I have to take action. I am learning that renewal does not happen automatically through awareness alone. It emerges as I walk through the process of working the steps. This shows up as I write honestly, tell the truth to others, and keep listening and being vulnerable.

As I do my part, God does what only He can do. That’s recovery. Because it is in the doing that my transformation and healing become real. Step work helps me see my hurt and pain, it helps me see my part, it helps me surrender to God, it helps me make amends, and it helps me heal. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
God, thank You for showing me that my behavior is often a symptom of something deeper. Help me look honestly at my patterns and not turn away from what I find. I surrender my will to You today and ask for Your guidance. Give me the courage to do the work that leads to real and lasting change. Amen.

Sarcasm Can Be Lonely

The Sobering Cost of Hiding Behind Humor

I used humor as a wall of protection, but it also kept me from being close with people. Recovery is teaching me to open up, be honest, and let God heal me from the inside out.

Surely you desire truth in the inward parts. Psalm 51:6

I was sitting in a doctor’s office recently, uncomfortable before the appointment even started. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t like the reason I was there. And almost without thinking, I started joking. I made light comments. When they asked to verify my name and date of birth, I said Abraham Lincoln February 16, 1861. I made jokes about images on the wall in the room. I never said I was actually funny. I attempted to use humor the way I always have. It helped me feel less exposed, less powerless. If I could make someone laugh it could at least lighten the mood. Maybe I felt like I had some control over the situation when I really didn’t have any. I was definitely feeling powerless. I can remember growing up, always using humor when I was afraid. As an adult, I now recognize it as one of my defense mechanisms. When I feel unsure, scared, or overwhelmed, I try to be funny. I often feel something, but I don’t always know what I’m feeling. For a long time, the only feelings I could name were good or bad. In those moments, sometimes all I can identify is that I just know that I feel uncomfortable.

On my drive home, I started thinking about the visit and what was discussed and also how I behaved. I noticed I was joking with the nurses and assistants, but not with the doctor. It got me thinking about why I behaved differently. I started to see that this wasn’t just humor. It was sarcasm. I had to ask myself why. What I came up with was that I was trying to protect myself because I was scared. How could sarcasm protect me. Sarcasm has been a way of life for me. Sarcastically, I will say sarcasm is a second language to me. It shows up in my speech, my body language, my texting, even my writing. For a long time, I thought this was just my personality. Several years ago, a supervisor mentioned in an evaluation that I came across as sarcastic. It caught me off guard. It was direct, honest, and hard to argue with, even though neither of us could point to a specific moment or comment. It was more of an overall impression. That was the problem. Many of my remarks were not meant to offend, but they landed as dismissive and arrogant. And even when that wasn’t what I felt inside, it was what others experienced from me.

I realized I didn’t really understand what sarcasm was. So I decided to look it up. What I found out surprised me. Although sarcasm is often lumped in with humor, it wasn’t the same thing. And I saw myself in the descriptions of a person using it to defend and protect themselves. For me, it showed up most around my emotions and big decisions, when I didn’t know what to do and unconsciously tried to protect myself.

I am learning that when I use sarcasm, I am not being honest about how I feel. My sponsor calls this emotional dishonesty. Sarcasm may have helped me feel protected before, but it also kept people at a distance. Sarcasm comes across in a way that I don’t intend or feel toward others. This has led to many people in my life misunderstanding me. Sarcasm has pushed people I care about away before they had the chance to know me. These are not the qualities I want to be identified by. They belong to my old life. I am learning to slow down and pay attention when I am attempting to cover fear or discomfort. I am starting to see sarcasm for what it really is for me. Not just a habit. Not just a personality trait. But a character defect that I can surrender to God and allow Him to keep changing from the inside out.

Prayer
Father, thank You for showing me what I could not see. Help me to be honest with myself and notice when I am using sarcasm to avoid fear instead of facing it. Please keep changing me to be more like You from the inside out. Amen.

Quickly Dismissed – How Denial Convinced Me I Didn’t Have a Problem

What I avoided for years became the place where healing began.

Admit your faults to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. James 5:16

Before I ever entered recovery, and long before I knew it would become part of my life, God was already planting seeds through people who cared about me. Over the years, I had good friends, people I trusted, suggest that I consider attending a meeting. A few even offered to go with me. I heard what they were saying, but I quickly dismissed it. I didn’t need recovery. Recovery was for “those” people, for addicts and people who didn’t have it together. That wasn’t me. I believed in God. I read my Bible. I prayed. I was the one who helped others. What I could not see at the time was that in all my trying to be responsible and helpful, I was seldom at rest. I was hypervigilant, trying to do everything exactly right, hoping I would earn God’s favor.

It was hard for me to see it, but I finally realized I was addicted. I wasn’t addicted to substances. I was addicted to fixing and controlling others. I told myself that I valued truth. In reality, I only valued my version of truth. I was afraid of the version that was offered to me. When people who loved me spoke honestly about what they saw, I argued, minimized, or explained it away. I was often perplexed though, at how they seemed to know so much about my childhood, even when I had never spoken about it to anyone. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but their truth felt threatening because it wasn’t my truth. Accepting their truth meant I needed help. It meant I would have to let go of control. I would have to be vulnerable, and that meant I could be hurt again. No way was I going to let that happen. I was afraid of what might happen to me if I opened up to someone about my past. That kind of honesty didn’t feel right to me. And it definitely didn’t feel safe. I had no one I could really trust, not even those who cared about me.

I finally did something about it. The thing I had always avoided. I showed up. I found a place where I could share things out loud, and nothing bad happened. I was accepted. Once I began to see that I had a problem and that I needed help, things started to fall into place. My awareness didn’t happen all at once, and it wasn’t always easy or pretty. Sometimes it still isn’t. But it came through honesty and trust. The people in the rooms of recovery trusted me with their stories, which made it easier to trust them with mine. They weren’t asking anything from me that they weren’t willing to do themselves. That made it possible for me to open up, be honest, and trust someone else for the first time since I could remember. And that was liberating. It was freeing. It was accepting. And it still is today.

Prayer

Father, thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for leading me to safe places where I can see Your love, acceptance, and forgiveness demonstrated in action. Help me stay willing to show up, speak up, and grow up. I thank You for the healing You provide as I stop hiding from my past and continue to be honest. Amen.

Addicted to Being Right

A fool thinks he is right, but a wise person listens to others. Proverbs 12:15

I had an aha moment after an argument with my wife. Her version of what happened was not accurate. The facts, the details, and even the way she described my motives and inner responses did not line up with what actually occurred. I was being told what I felt, and it was not true. Because of that, I dismissed everything she was saying. I told myself that if the facts were wrong, then her reaction must be her responsibility. I focused on correcting details instead of acknowledging that she was hurt. Once accuracy was in question, I stopped listening to anything else.

As I prayed, journaled, and tried to find my part, I kept coming up empty. That was unusual for me because I am normally able to see it. I even made a list of probable options, which is something I do when I am stuck. The possibilities ranged from extreme to reasonable. Maybe she was completely wrong. Maybe I was missing something obvious. Maybe past trauma was being triggered. Maybe something I said landed harder than I intended. I did recognize one comment I made that was harsh, and I apologized for it immediately. But days later, there was still distance between us, and none of my reasoning fully explained why.

I was doing some step work, and that is when I saw it. I was addicted to being right. That was my part. I was so focused on accuracy or details that I could not be present with her hurt. Being right mattered more to me than trying to understand. I kept looking for my part in the event itself, when my part was actually in how I responded to what she said. Even though I did not do what I was being accused of, my defensiveness and dismissiveness created more distance. The problem was not the facts. The problem was me and how I reacted.

My awareness came by humbling myself to God and following the prescription that recovery offers. That meant I had to stop defending myself and ask God to show me what I could not see. He did. God is faithful that way. It did not come through prayer alone. I had to do something too. I had to put legs to my prayers. I had to write and be honest with myself, and then let that truth sit for a moment. As I did, I began to see how my need to be right had become a form of self-protection and control. My character defects were being triggered, and my insistence on accuracy was just another form of denial. That realization did not excuse my behavior, but it did open the door to change. I cannot always control whether facts are understood, but I am responsible for how I respond. Letting go of my need to be right made room for honesty, connection, and healing.

Prayer

Father God, help me to humble myself and listen to others. Help me hear what they mean, not just the words they are saying. Continue to show me my part in each situation. Give me the courage to change and the power to carry it out. Amen.

Led by Peace

How God Guides Through Peace

For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace…. Isaiah 55:12

A few years back, I found myself in the middle of a job transition with two offers in front of me. One was a government job that promised security, benefits, and long-term stability. The other was a smaller local business with less pay and fewer guarantees. Everything about the government job made more sense on paper. But as I prayed and wrestled with the decision, something inside me would not settle. When I thought about the local job, I had peace and my mind was at rest. When I thought about the other job, my mind was spinning and I felt restless. I could not put it into words, but I knew I was being asked to trust God instead of what made sense, and I knew which decision that meant.

A few months after I accepted the job with the local business, the world shifted. COVID fear spread quickly, and pressure followed close behind it. Vaccine mandates were introduced, and I watched people lose jobs, reputations, friendships, and even family relationships. Government workers were backed into corners and forced to make decisions they never expected to face. The cost was real and personal, not theoretical. Some complied to survive. Others stood their ground and paid a price they did not choose. As I watched all of this unfold, I realized how different my situation could have been. Had I chosen differently, I would have been pressured to get the vaccine or lose my job. Instead, I was not compelled to inject something into my body that went against my conscience. I was able to continue working and remain at peace. That uneasiness and restlessness I felt about the job decision turned out to be God’s unseen protection, leading me long before I knew why.

I saw through that experience that God is leading me and looking out for me even when I am unaware. He cares for me not just about me. When I cannot see down the road and do not know what lies ahead, He does. And He leads me through peace. What I sensed and felt when deciding between the two jobs was peace and confusion. He led me through peace. So when I have peace about something, now I can trust that God is leading in that direction. When I have confusion, I pause and wait on God until I have peace. He never lets me down and His peace always protects me.

Recovery has helped me put practical application to my spiritual journey. My walk with God is no longer abstract or distant. I have learned that surrendering my life and will to the care of God is not a one-time decision. It is something I practice. I pray. I seek His direction. I wait. Recovery has taught me to slow down long enough to notice what is happening inside me. Waiting until I have peace protects me from haste and avoidance. It helps me make decisions with purpose and thought instead of reacting out of fear. I am no longer a victim of chance or circumstance. When I trust God, I trust His direction. And He continues to lead me the same way He always has, through peace. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, thank You for leading me even when I am unaware. Help me slow down and wait for Your peace instead of rushing ahead or forcing outcomes. Lead me today the same way You always have, through peace. Amen.

Sanity Restored

Learning to See Life Without Fear

When my time of insanity ended, I lifted my eyes to heaven and my sanity was restored. I praised the Most High and honored the One who lives forever. Daniel 4:34

Life in recovery isn’t only about doing step work and confronting the hurts, trauma, and resentments from our past. It’s also about learning how to notice what is good, beautiful, and wonderful in life. That part does not come naturally to me. Years of trauma trained me to look for danger and expect disappointment. I learned to prepare for the worst because the worst often happened. Experience convinced me that getting my hopes up only led to me being let down. I lived on edge, always waiting for the next disappointment, the next broken promise, the next rug to get pulled out from under me. I rarely expected anything good to last, if it even showed up at all. That fear shaped my thinking so deeply that it started to feel like my normal. I even interpreted that fear as peace and safety because it was all I knew and was accustomed to. I know now it was not a healthy way to live.

Recovery helped me start to see that what I had accepted as normal wasn’t actually working, even though it felt familiar. A lot of my old fear-based patterns contributed to my insane thinking, and Step Two suggests this in a non-threatening way. When it says I came to believe that God could restore me to sanity, it implies that I am insane. Otherwise, why would I need to be restored to sanity? My sponsor often reminds me of two simple truths: I have insane thinking, I’m crazy and I don’t have to stay that way because God can restore me. I’ve heard it said that my best thinking got me where I was. So, I cannot count on my old thinking to find a new way to process my thoughts and feelings. Recovery offers the solution through the 12 Steps, but it only becomes real in my life when I practice it.

I’m slowly learning to lower my guard and allow myself to notice what is good without immediately searching for the catch. That’s what the gift of recovery looks like for me, discovering that I can enjoy life and appreciate what is good and beautiful. It’s like God is saying to me, “You don’t have to live on edge anymore. You don’t have to figure out how to protect yourself from every possible disaster. Let Me restore your mind, give you peace, and remove your shame.” This allows me to open up and finally embrace life and attempt to live it to the fullest. I don’t know what may happen, but today I expect good things.

Prayer Of Awareness

Lord, help me see the beauty that is already in the world. Help me notice the good things I usually overlook because I’m guarded or afraid. Open my eyes to the small gifts You place in my path each day. As I give love, help me recognize the love around me. As I offer kindness, help me see the kindness You’ve planted in others. As I choose hope, help me notice the hope You’re growing in me. Teach me to live awake, not trapped in old fears or old ways of thinking. Help me stay present to Your goodness, Your peace, and Your healing. Let me see the world the way You see it, full of beauty, possibility, and grace. Amen.

Drink Not Drunk

Ephesians 5:18 – KJV

And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

The New Testament was originally written in Greek and then has been translated into English for those of us who do not read Greek. So let’s take a look at what this verse originally says in the Greek language.

Drunk – KJV

The word translated as “drunk” in Ephesians 5:18 is Methusko- Strongs #3182. This word is translated as “drunk” in every English translation I have researched with the exception of the J.B. Phillips New Testament which reads “don’t get your stimulus from”. And I think that he is the closest to the actual meaning of this word than all the others. It is quite alarming especially since the word in the Greek is in the Present Tense with the Passive Voice with the Infinitive. What does all that mean? Basically the word is actually Drink – Present tense. When used with the passive infinitive that means “in the process to”-it is inceptive- marking the beginning of the process. So what this one little word actually says in the Greek text is…

Do not begin to drink. With the passive voice it denotes that the process of beginning to drink causes the passive reaction of becoming drunk. The emphasis is on the process.

Excess – KJV

The word translated as “excess” is Asotia – Strongs #811. This word comes from the Greek root word Sozo- which means safety, preservation, deliverance, healing, wholeness, soundness of mind and body plus eternal life. It is usually translated as saved, salvation or healed throughout the New Testament. What is interesting is the placement of the article “a”. this little article means in opposition too. For example even in English if something is “a”-moral that means it is in opposition or against morals. So this word means in opposition to salvation.

But – KJV

The word but here is Strong’s #235 and it signifies a contrast in opposition to the preceding thought or idea just like in English.

Filled – KJV

The word for filled is Pleroo – Strongs # 4137. Now this word is very interesting. It literally means to fulfill. It too is in the Present Tense and is using the Passive voice, except it is an Imperative. That means it is not a suggestion but a command. It is a directive to be accomplished and completed.

Let the spirit fulfill you in direct contrast and opposition to wine. With the use of the passive voice, it denotes that once the decision is made to be fulfilled, it begins the process of being filled.

Spirit – KJV

The word here for spirit is Pnuema – Strongs # 4151. It is translated as spirit and many translations capitalize it indicating it is Holy Spirit. The word literally means “breath”. God has much to say in His Word about breath, but that is for another study. Suffice it to say that when someone has been drinking, whether it is one glass of wine or a single beer or a fifth of whiskey….you CAN smell it on their breath.

The overall meaning of this verse also carries the idea of a see-saw. When one side goes up, the other comes down, and vice versa. The inherent meaning is that when you are in the process of drinking wine you are not in the process of being fulfilled by the spirit. And when you are being fulfilled by the spirit you are not in the process of drinking wine. They are in opposition to each other.

Contrast this with 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8 (NKJV)

6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.

Let’s look at this word “sober”. The bible has much to say about being “sober”.

There are two main Greek words translated “sober” in the New Testament.

The first one is Nepho – Strongs #3525. This word is in the Present Tense Active Subjunctive (which means conditional action). It means free from the influence of intoxicants. My wife has been through Nursing School and told me that the Latin Nephro means having to do with the kidney. Did you know that the kidney cleanses our blood of intoxicants or toxins?

The other Greek word used is sophren – Strongs #4993. This is a compound word. It comes from sozo- our Greek word for Salvation, (so) and phren which means from the mind. It means salvation in our mind or soundness of the mind. Do you know the affect that alcohol has on the mind? Even the smallest drink “alters” our mental faculties from their optimum performance. This is undisputed.

An Overview of Ephesians

In reference to Eph. 5:18, I think it is wise to look at the context of what the writer, Paul, is saying and addressing.

Going back to Eph. 4:1 we see Paul addressing the Ephesians “to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called” He goes on and explains how this will be accomplished and then he says Ephesians 4:14 that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting.

It seems apparent that there was wild doctrine being embraced and some cunning craftiness and trickery of men. Maybe they were trying to justify their non-repentant behaviors and lifestyle?

Ephesians 4:17-24 (NKJV)

17 This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; 19 who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. 20 But you have not so learned Christ, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22 that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

What is he talking about here? That the believers should no longer act like they used to act, but change, put on the new man and renew the mind (repent change of thinking) which was created in righteousness and holiness.

Then he begins to “break it down for them” what he means. This way there is no ambiguity. In verses 4:25, 5:1, 5:7, 5:17, 5:24, 6:10 & 6:13 He begins addressing several specific points and how to “put off the old man” and “put on the new man” in each scenario. The whole overview of chapters 4-6 is about how to walk out the new life and putting on the new man. As he also mention in Galatians not to walk in the flesh but the spirit. This is what Paul is talking about. So when we look at Eph. 5:18 we must remember the context of what Paul is talking about. He is not talking about drinking wine in moderation. The concept of moderation goes contrary to what Jesus said about a little leaven leavening the whole loaf. Moderation is Not a biblical concept it is exactly what Paul warned us about the cunning craftiness of some men’s doctrine to justify their actions and non-repentant lifestyle. If Paul was referring to moderation then it would suffice that he was in each of the points he specifically addressed. If we can apply the same criteria to each point and it is supported by the whole of the Bible, then we need to seriously consider the argument. If that be the case then we must address each of Paul’s issues the same way.

The first one he addresses in Eph. 4:25 is lying. Apparently just getting saved didn’t automatically stop them from lying. They actually had to put that off. Is there moderation in lying? I know that some would say if the ends justify the means or if some good comes out of it or a myriad of other “plausible” excuses. I don’t see that in the whole of scripture. I can’t find any place where God rewarded someone for lying. Or where He didn’t rebuke or correct it. There is no moderation for lying. Strike one on moderation.

Next up is Eph. 5:1. Be imitators of God and walk in love. Apparently again being saved didn’t automatically make them walk in love. They were told to put on the new man. Imitate God and walk in love. Put off fornication, uncleanness and covetousness. This was something they had to do to put off the old man and put on the new man…A change in behavior. Let’s just pick one here fornication…Is there moderation with fornication? Here again some say yes. They reason that you can’t stop people from having sex outside of marriage, it is unreasonable. So as long as they are “in love” it’s ok. However this position is not supported by scripture. It is a humanistic argument that makes sense due to the cunning craftiness of men to justify their actions instead of changing their behavior. Strike two for moderation.

It is interesting that in Eph. 5:17 the verse just before 18 Paul says

Ephesians 5:17 (NKJV)

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

The word here for unwise is (aphron a=opposite / phron=sober mind) the opposite for a root word for “sober” that is translated elsewhere in the bible. And then He tells us CLEARLY understand what the will of the Lord is… Do not drink wine but be filled with the spirit. The whole argument Paul was making going back to the beginning of chapter four is to walk in the spirit. Put off the old man and put on the new man…Which we have in Christ.

Unfortunately we have done just the opposite. We focus on the negative and not the positive. And we make excuses for our behaviors that we do not want to change and repent of. And try to find doctrines to justify our behaviors so we won’t feel guilty for our non-repentant lifestyle. 1 John tells us that if our conscience condemns us we have an advocate with the Father, but if our conscience does not condemn us we have confidence before God. It is our own heart that causes us to feel guilty for the things we do that are not in line with God’s will for us to put off the old man and put on the new.

My final thought is a heart question…

Whatever it is that you do, why do you do it? If it has no power over you and it’s “not a problem”, then why hold onto it? Why not put it off, for love of Him? What could it hurt?

If you honestly ask yourself that question and honestly answer it to yourself and to God. You will have the answer yourself. God loves you enough to sacrifice His most precious and prized thing, His Son. Do you love Him enough to sacrifice your most prized and precious thing? How important is it anyway?

How Recovery Brought Me Back To God

A story of honesty, healing, and rediscovering grace.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

Recovery did not just help me stop self destructive behavior. It helped me rediscover who God really is. The story of how that happened is where this devotional begins.

When I first came into recovery, I was hiding from God. I had known God closely once and never stopped believing in Him, but I wanted nothing to do with church or religion. I did not want to be preached at or told what I should be doing. I felt I had drifted too far away, was now too broken, and too ashamed to face Him again.

I avoided churches of any kind, yet it seemed like most recovery meetings were held in one, and I avoided those too.

Attending my first Christ centered recovery group happened completely by accident. Or did it. I do not believe in coincidences.

I had gone to my regular Friday night meeting, but when I arrived, no one was there. I walked up and down the empty halls of the school, checking classrooms and even interrupting another meeting by mistake. I called everyone I knew, and finally someone told me there was no meeting that night.

I was crushed. I needed a meeting. It had been a rough day, and the thought of being alone that night was unbearable. I was scared.

As I sat there in my car, desperate for connection, I remembered that sign at the church.

Sitting there, uneasy feelings of rejection and being unloved began to surface. I thought about that sign in front of the church that I drove past on my way to my meeting. It seemed to jump out at me that night and catch my attention.

It said Celebrate Recovery. It sounded like a meeting, but it was still in a church, and that did not feel safe. Did I mention I used to attend that church. Yeah. Talk about insult to injury.

Every time I drove past it, I told myself, “That’s not for me.”

But that night something felt different. I did not want to go home, and I did not want to be alone. I knew the meeting was already well underway and probably almost over, but I had enough recovery to know that some meeting was better than no meeting.

So I decided to take a chance.

The sign said it started at seven. I walked in around seven forty five, and the meeting was still going and just breaking into share groups.

This was different. It was a welcome change.

A man named Jeff greeted me like he had been waiting for me to arrive. He asked my name and what brought me there. I was caught off guard. It felt personal to be asked that directly, but as I later learned, that is recovery in action.

I told him I was just looking for a meeting, and he smiled and said, “You found one.”

That night marked the beginning of something I never expected. A renewed connection with God.

He was bringing me back to Him slowly and at my pace, even though I had done everything I could to keep Him at arm’s distance.

I felt like the prodigal son being welcomed home. For the first time in a long time, something inside me stirred. It was hope.

It did not take long for me to realize something was happening that I could not fully explain. I was not just going to meetings anymore. I was starting to open up.

Each time I shared honestly, something inside me loosened.

The walls I had built to protect myself were starting to come down. I began to sense God’s presence again. I started to feel like it might be safe to trust these people.

An experience I had as a teenager convinced me that trusting church people with my struggles and fears was impossible. But the people in recovery did not judge me or preach at me. They listened. They understood. They cared.

In their acceptance, I began to see God’s grace in practice.

Recovery was doing what religion never could. It was teaching me how to be honest, how to trust, how to connect, and how to belong again.

Somewhere in that process, I realized that God had not given up on me. He had been waiting there the whole time for me to humble myself, let go of my resentments, and surrender to His will.

As I followed the suggestion to keep coming back, I noticed these meetings had three parts. There was a time of worship and giving thanks to God, a time of teaching or testimony, and then the share groups.

The share groups were familiar to me from other recovery meetings, so that is where I started. Once I understood the structure, I began arriving just in time for them, and that was okay. No one looked down on me or made me feel different. I was accepted just as I was.

After a while, I started showing up right after the worship so I could hear the teaching on one of the steps or listen to someone share their story. Jeff, the man who greeted me that first night, became my sponsor.

He encouraged me, which is a nice way of saying he told me, that it was time to stop running from God. He invited me to attend the whole meeting, including the worship. I reluctantly agreed. I am so glad I did.

Through those moments of worship, something came alive in me again. God was meeting me where I was and gently leading me home. I started to feel grateful.

I did not realize it at the time, but each small step I took toward honesty, connection, and openness was also a step toward God. I had been running from Him for so long, but through recovery He patiently waited for me to come back.

The verse says, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8.

For years, I thought that meant I had to clean myself up first. What I really had to do was show up. One honest step in His direction. God did the rest.

Looking back now, I can see that recovery did not just bring me healing. It brought me back to God. It brought me home.

My relationship with God is no longer based on performance. It is based on understanding that He accepts me just as I am. I began to see that in the rooms of recovery, and it helped me understand that God accepts me, listens to me, and loves me, imperfections and all.

This devotional was written from that place. From the heart of someone who discovered that healing is not just about recovery, but about relationship. My prayer is that as you read these reflections, you experience the same grace that brought me home

Options

Awareness Before Reaction

The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps. Proverbs 14:15

I had a situation last week that upset me very much. I was forced to make a decision and I didn’t respond well. I felt powerless. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was hurt, and so I called my sponsor. I told him about the situation that was going on and how I reacted. He asked me a very simple question. But the answer to the question didn’t seem so simple to me. He asked me, what other options did you have? And that question made me even more upset. Because I didn’t think I had any other options or I would have done something different to begin with. But by the mere fact of him asking me what other options did you have, made me realize there were other options I could have chosen that I didn’t think about at the time. And that embarrassed me and made me even more mad.

But as I considered his question, I replayed the scenario and started to think about what other options did I have. I could have chosen to speak up sooner. I could have asked for more time to decide. I could have done nothing at all. As we talked through this, that question was followed up with another question. Which one of your character defects was being affected by this? Aargh. Of course. What is my part? I chuckled, because I knew if I could get there, I would find the solution. What I began to see was a pattern. I bottle up emotions and don’t do anything about them until one more thing becomes the tipping point. The explosion is never just about the current situation, but about all the others I ignored before it. And if I can identify that pattern and my part in it, then I am better equipped to respond healthier in the future and not have uncontrolled explosions of my emotions.

What recovery is helping me see is that I do have options. Awareness gives me space to pause and consider them. As I continue to grow, I see progress. I see this same kind of progress in other areas of my life too. It doesn’t happen all at once, but it is real, and it reminds me that recovery is working. What I used to never notice, I now see. At first, I would notice it after the fact and call my sponsor. Then I began to catch it sooner. Over time, I started to catch myself in the moment and stop. And slowly, something deeper began to change. The behaviors and attitudes that once drove my reactions are being transformed, and I am learning to respond instead of react.

Reflection
Where in my life am I reacting out of habit instead of pausing to consider my options?

I Love My Mom

Recovery Changed the Way I See My Mom

Break free from bitterness, bad temper, anger, shouting, slander, and malicious feelings of any kind. Ephesians 4:31

I love my mom, but she struggled with alcoholism. For a long time, I could not say that I loved her without hesitation. I am not trying to tell her story or diagnose her. I am sharing how my perspective of her changed as I worked the steps of recovery. For most of my life, I blamed her and labeled her an alcoholic. I blamed her for much of the hurt and abuse I suffered. What I came to realize later is that I never suffered at her hand. I suffered at the hands of the man she married. He suffered from alcoholism and was violent and abusive. At the time, she was a single woman raising four young children. Before she passed, she told me she believed she was doing what was best for us by finding a man with a stable income to help care for her family. She found and married one. Recovery helped me see that she was not doing things to me. She was doing what she believed she needed to do to survive, and I suffered from the collateral damage.

For a long time, I could not understand how so many people loved my mom and spoke so highly of her. I could not see her clearly because all I could see was my own hurt and pain. I couldn’t understand why she allowed this to happen. Didn’t she see how much damage her husband was causing to her children?

What I could not understand then, even though I saw it with my own eyes, is how often she tried to defend us and how much she suffered herself. She endured many beatings for it. Some things cannot be unseen, no matter how much time passes. There were moments when I even felt guilty, knowing she was being beaten while trying to protect me. I do not ever remember her being mean to me, hitting me, or ridiculing me. I remember moments when I deserved punishment and instead she showed me grace, mercy, and understanding. It took me far too long to realize she was a good woman and a very good mom.

Now I can say with confidence that I love my mom, and that she loved me. I no longer blame her for what my stepdad did to me. The resentment I carried toward her has been lifted, and compassion has taken its place. I have made amends with her the best I can, and I have also made amends with myself. That misplaced blame and resentment spilled into nearly all of my relationships and shaped how I gave and received love. Working through the 12 Steps, several times, eventually showed me that truth and offered a solution. Today I am more compassionate with others and more honest with myself. I am able to love without reservation and without condition. That is one of the many gifts recovery has given me, and I am deeply grateful.