Not Good Enough?

Thinking Accurately

Sometimes the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me I’m not enough. Recovery has taught me to question that voice, inventory it, and replace it with truth. This is what learning to think accurately looks like.

Think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.
Romans 12:3

My wife and I have been talking about possibly moving to another area that would be closer to family. It’s a very big decision. I like my job and I like what I do. So I started looking at similar job opportunities in that area. I found several openings that match exactly what I already do. Same field. Same responsibilities. Same level. On paper, there is no difference. It is the exact same thing I am doing now. But in my mind, there is. I found myself hesitating, pulling back, and closing the page because I believed I wasn’t qualified.

I began thinking those positions were far more important than what I do now. Those companies must be more professional. The job must be bigger, more demanding, more significant. Even though I hold the same title and do the same work, I started believing I might not be qualified to do it somewhere else. That I might not measure up. That I might not perform at the level they would expect. I realized I was looking down on my own performance, quietly labeling my role as not good enough. That felt familiar, and I didn’t like the way it felt. Then I heard my sponsor’s voice in my head asking, What is the common denominator? Of course I know the answer. Me. I am seeing myself as less than again.

In my current role, I have seen real success. Under my leadership we have reached milestones the company had never reached before. We implemented strategies and achieved goals they had wanted for years but never could accomplish. I have been told directly that my leadership made the difference. That made me feel good. I felt like I was doing a good job and appreciated. Yet when I imagine doing the same job somewhere else, something inside me whispers, You’re not good enough. That surprised me. As I reflected on it, I began to meditate and pray. Then I did some writing. I was struck with my character defect of feeling not good enough. It’s right there, staring me in the face.

Recovery has taught me the only way through this is through it. It’s not just going to happen automatically. So I decided to stop and inventory what is actually there. I have done many physical inventories in my career and I understand the concept. An inventory does not judge the items on the shelf. It simply acknowledges what is there. When I apply that honestly to my life, I see that I have strengths, not just weaknesses. I have qualities I look for when I interview other candidates. I have experience. I have perseverance. I have a proven track record. I also have fear. But fear is just another inventory item. It does not get to override the reality of everything else that is there.

Today, after doing an honest inventory and applying recovery principles, I can name it for what it is: a character defect rooted in feeling not good enough. I never would have seen that before recovery. I would not have questioned that inner voice. I would have believed it was who I was. It does not just disappear. But I am aware of it now, and it no longer controls me. I recognize it, name it, face it, and release it. Humility is not thinking less of myself. It is thinking accurately about myself. God has brought healing in my life and walked me through years of growth, challenges, and victories. To deny what He has done in me is not humility. It is another layer of denial. Now, instead of believing that voice, I choose to live in the truth of what God has done in me. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me when old patterns try to hinder me and keep me stuck. You are my source and strength. You always see me through. Help me to see myself the way You see me. When old voices rise up, remind me of the work You have already done in me. Give me the courage to live in Your truth and not shrink back in fear. Amen.

Not My Own Higher Power

Restored Through Love

For years I tried to fix what only love could heal. Step Two slowed me down and reminded me I am not my own higher power.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I was recently speaking with my sponsor about Step 2. We are working through the steps again. He asked what my thoughts were about my higher power. Thinking I knew the answer and where we were going, I started telling him about God being my higher power and describing what I believed about Him. He stopped me and said very plainly, “We don’t get to God until Step 3. We are talking about Step 2. I asked you to tell me about your higher power.” I paused. I was already jumping ahead in my mind. We were not talking about surrendering to God’s will. We were talking about believing that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He was slowing me down to think about what that actually means instead of assuming. He gave me an assignment to describe the qualities and characteristics of my higher power.

This was harder than I expected. I had to stop thinking about the attributes of God and instead think about what I need from a higher power to restore me to sanity. I had to change my perspective. Here is what I came up with. My higher power is loving, caring, and accepting. He understands me and listens to me. He comforts me and gives me strength when I am weak and overwhelmed. When I do not know what to do, He gives me guidance. He is bigger and more powerful than me, more knowledgeable and smarter than me. My higher power is not me. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can bring healing and sanity into my life. He works in my life as I surrender and believe. My higher power loves me unconditionally.

What I concluded is that I need a higher power to help me. I cannot change on my own. For years I tried to do it myself. I made myself my own higher power. In Step 1 I learned that I was powerless over the effects of alcohol. In Step 2 I learn that I need a power greater than me to help me be free. As I listed the qualities I was looking for, I realized something. Everything I described had to do with being loved and accepted. That is where many of my character defects begin. At the core are two lies I believe about myself and have carried with me for years: I am not good enough, and I am not wanted. I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself and earn the love and acceptance I lacked growing up. In doing that, I had inadvertently made myself my own higher power. I tried to fix what only love could heal.

To be restored to sanity, I needed more than I could do on my own. I needed to know I was loved. The qualities I described about my higher power speak directly to that need. Loving. Accepting. Understanding. Guiding. Stronger than me. Not me. When I believe in a power like that, my thinking shifts. I no longer have to prove myself. I no longer have to try and be good enough. I can believe that I am accepted and wanted. I am loved. That is where my healing begins and sanity returns. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

God, thank You for accepting me as I am. Help me to be honest about my needs. I still struggle with feeling wanted and loved. I know in my head that You offer unconditional love. Please allow me to be able to see and feel it. Amen

Waking Up

Awareness Is The Beginning

Easier isn’t always better.

Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light. Ephesians 5:14

I was watching the movie The Matrix and thinking about the scene where Neo is offered a choice between the red pill and the blue pill. The red pill represents truth and having your eyes opened. The blue pill represents continuing on as you are. There’s a scene where Cipher says, Why didn’t I take the blue pill? I can relate to that in my recovery. Breaking through denial and seeing reality did not automatically fix everything. It simply made me aware that I needed to change. That was not what I thought I was signing up for when I first came.

Just like in the movie, there are intense battles that I had been oblivious to before. There is pain. There is the shock of realizing things are not what I thought they were. And then there is something harder. Seeing myself as I really am instead of who I thought I was. Awareness is uncomfortable. Identification is humbling. But change is where the real work begins. I began to realize how much work recovery would require. It was a huge learning curve. And there was unlearning too. That may have been the hardest part. I did not just need awareness. I needed change. Having my eyes opened was only the start.

I remember having similar thoughts when I was doing my Fourth Step moral inventory. Why did I agree to this? It was hard, laborious, and painful. I did not want to think about the things I had tried so hard to forget. And then to honestly see my part in all of it. I did not sign up for that. I have heard others say life was better before recovery and working through the steps. I understand the feeling. But was it really? For me it wasn’t better. It may have been easier. So much easier. But it definitely wasn’t better.

I came to my first meeting on my own, looking for some self help answers and a way to fix my family. What I found were people who had been where I was, sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Honestly, I could not have done this on my own. I am grateful there were people in those rooms doing their own step work, especially those living out the Twelfth Step. They did not tell me what to do. They pointed me in the right direction. Start with surrender. Ask God for help. Stop trying to fix everyone else and start working on the person in the mirror. That is not a cliché. It is real. It is what helped me break free.

Yes, there was a time when I wondered why I joined recovery and whether it was doing any good. But then I looked at what was different. I had peace. I was happier. I had real friendships. When I looked in the mirror, I was beginning to like who I saw. There’s a hope that wasn’t there before. And that hope feels good. Really good. Life still gets hard, but I do not face it the same way. Recovery has given me tools. God has given me strength. That did not happen overnight. It came from staying awake, doing the work, and trusting God in the process. I am so glad I am here. Waking up was hard, painful, and ugly, but it brought healing and led me back to God.

Reflection
Am I choosing what feels easier, or what I know is better?

Detachment With Love

Care Without Control

I thought detachment meant pushing people away. I had to learn it meant loving without managing.

Each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:5

Detachment is separating myself emotionally from another person’s behavior. There are healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments, and detachment is breaking free from the unhealthy ones. When I first heard about detachment, I was eager to practice it. I heard it talked about in the rooms and how it was the solution for breaking free from the hold. I learned already I had developed unhealthy attachments and I wanted the freedom spoken about. What I mysteriously missed though was the “with love” part. I heard detachment and I was ready. I did not hear with love.

The first time I tried to practice detachment, I did it by setting a boundary. I was new and thought detachment and boundaries were the same thing. I had never done either before, and when I finally did, it was clumsy and ugly. I remember telling my mom I was getting divorced. She started crying. I had been here before. At first I was angry. I thought she was using her tears to control my emotions and maneuver me into comforting her. I saw it as another attempt to shift the focus away from what I was going through. I was already hurting. I did not want the divorce. My family was being ripped apart. My future felt uncertain. So many emotions were surfacing that I did not even know what I was feeling, except sad and alone. I didn’t have anything left to comfort her. I had heard about detachment and boundaries and wanted to practice what I was learning. Instead of pausing and sorting through my own emotions, I reacted. I said, rather gruffly, why are you crying? This isn’t about you. This is about me. I even said I was setting a boundary and would not be manipulated anymore. She stopped crying and went silent.

Like I said, I was new in recovery and still learning. I had successfully set a boundary, but it wasn’t detachment and it wasn’t with love. Internally I was a kid again. I was still trying to feel safe by controlling the environment. I was trying to protect myself from being engulfed by her feelings because I could barely manage my own. That was not detachment with love. That was fear wrapped up with new language. I was more addicted to approval than I realized. Addicted to her reaction. Addicted to feeling secure based on how she responded to me. As I began to work through the Steps and grow, I stopped looking to other people to determine my value. I have intrinsic value because of my Creator. My sponsor says forgiveness is the best form of detachment, and I think he is right. When I forgive, I let go of trying to control what is not mine.

After working through the Steps with my sponsor, I can honestly say that today things are different. If someone I love starts crying, I pause. I check my urge to control their emotions. I let them have their feelings, and I let myself have mine. I don’t have to fix them or silence them. I don’t have to correct them either. When I need to set a boundary, I do not have to announce it. I just live it. It is for me, not for them. I say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean when I say it. I practice acceptance. The Serenity Prayer helps a lot with that. I offer forgiveness. This is how I know I am practicing detachment with love: I can care without control. That shows love and respect for them and for me.

Prayer
Father, teach me to practice detachment with love. Heal the wounds inside me that cause me to control instead of trust. When I feel uncomfortable, help me pause instead of react. Give me courage to forgive those who have hurt me. Amen.

Learning to Celebrate

I Am Worthy

Being noticed used to feel dangerous. Today I’m learning that I am worthy.

The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I never got too excited or put too much credence into celebrations. I’m not sure why though. I know that birthdays have always been a let down for me because my birthday is in December and it was always anti-climactic. Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed to be good holidays. They seemed to be a time when the family was together and peaceful. Other than that, I can’t ever really remember getting too excited about anything growing up. There are several things I do remember getting excited about as a kid, but I also remember being let down. Mostly because of a lot of broken promises. So, if I got my hopes up, I was afraid they would get crushed again. I think that has carried over into celebrations of any kind. The huge swing in emotions from happiness and excitement to sadness and despair rattled me. I felt lost and alone. I didn’t like it. I determined it would be better if I stayed even and steady emotionally. At least that way I would know what to expect. I wouldn’t be disappointed and feel rejected. I wouldn’t get hurt. It felt safe. But shielding myself from my feelings has robbed me of experiencing those emotions. I didn’t risk being excited or happy because I didn’t like feeling sadness and disappointment. Consequently, I never learned how to handle my emotions in a healthy way. I can look back now and see that it was a survival skill that I developed as a child, but as an adult, that’s not productive.

Today I try to embrace the celebrations that happen on a regular basis in my life. I am not always successful. I spent over 40 years developing a certain lifestyle, way of thinking and certain habits. Many were unhealthy. That old way of thinking doesn’t go away so easily or quickly. Changing takes time. But I am seeing progress. I celebrate occasionally. But mostly, I recognize the times when I want to celebrate but hold back. When I have this awareness, I acknowledge it and try to do something about it. If I am hurt or slow to change, I know I always have a part. My job is to find out why I feel and act the way I do. The recovery tool I use most is taking an honest spot check inventory. That helps me find my part. Then I can talk with my sponsor about it. This is how I work Steps 4 and 5 in real time. After doing this, I find that I am more confident celebrating without feeling guilty about it. I have discovered I can still celebrate an event even if it’s not in the moment. I can still experience the emotions. It doesn’t have to be in the exact instance that it occurs.

I recently had a milestone in my recovery, what we commonly call a non-belly button birthday. That’s the day that we celebrate the anniversary of starting recovery and beginning our sobriety. I celebrated 18 years of continuous sobriety. The date came and went without much recognition, until my wife said to me “Happy birthday. Today is your recovery birthday”. And then a smile crept across my face and I said “Yeah, it is. Thank you for remembering”. It was nice to be recognized. I was happy and glad that she remembered without me mentioning it. I felt noticed. I felt like I was important. I had to resist that old feeling of not wanting to be too happy. It is the flip side of feeling hurt or ignored. Going unnoticed hits my core defect of not being good enough. Today I am happy and grateful that I’ve made progress. Even if there wasn’t much fanfare or a big to do, I am thankful she said something. Through working my recovery, I have come to believe that I am a person of value and worth. I am worthy of being celebrated. Maybe next year I will grow enough to be able to let people know ahead of time without feeling like I might be let down. Today I will celebrate my progress.

Prayer

Father, thank You for the progress You have helped me make. Show me how to celebrate the way You celebrate. Remind me that I am seen and valued by You. Teach me how to live without fear and without bracing for disappointment. Help me continue growing into the person You say I am. Amen.

Feeding My Recovery

My Daily Bread

I cannot live on the recovery I had last year. Today I choose to feed my recovery.

Give us this day our daily bread. Matthew 6:11

I once read that the human body can survive about forty days without food before starvation sets in, and only about three days without water. That stayed with me. Food and water are not optional. They are necessities that keep my body alive. At many recovery meetings I’ve attended, we close by reciting the Lord’s Prayer. One line always stands out to me: give us today our daily bread. It is such a simple reminder. I have to eat to live. I have to drink to survive. I cannot live today on the food I ate last year. I might get by for a little while without food, but eventually if I don’t eat, I would starve to death.

What is true in the natural is also true in my spiritual life. Whether it is my relationship with God or my recovery, the principle is the same. I need spiritual food and water to survive. For me, that means doing step work with my sponsor and reading recovery literature, including the Bible. That is my food. It gives me nourishment and knowledge. Attending meetings, sharing with others, talking with my sponsor, and prayer are like water. They refresh me. They keep me encouraged. I need both to stay healthy in my recovery. I cannot live on the recovery I had last year. Even if I have twenty years of sobriety, if I am not doing the work today, my recovery will shrivel up and die. It will starve. It will become dehydrated. I open the door to relapse.

This thought may sound harsh and seem unsettling at first, but it actually gives me comfort. I am not a victim. I am not someone sitting around waiting to die. I have choices. I can read something that challenges me. I can attend a meeting. I can call my sponsor. I can pray. These are not small things. They are how I stay alive in recovery. And today I choose to take the next right action. I choose to practice this program. When I do, something shifts. I find more peace. I feel balanced. I do not swing from one extreme to another. I feel steady and grounded. Today I choose to feed my recovery.

Reflection

Am I living on yesterday’s recovery, or am I feeding it today?

Ask How, Not Why

Stop asking why. Start asking how. Then take the next right step.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. James 1:22

Not long ago I received some unpleasant and alarming news about my health. It was unnerving. I was scared. My mind drifted to the worst-case scenario. I convinced myself I would be disabled, that my life as I knew it was over. None of that was true, but that is where my thinking took me. I fell into a depression for several months. I kept asking why this was happening to me. I am a good person. This is not fair. I thought I was practicing acceptance, but in reality I was resisting it and slipping into fatalism, something I do not believe in. I had not accepted anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I became reclusive. I was hard to be around. I was edgy and filled with anger. I was stuck. Prayer was hard. I did not want to talk to God. My belief system was challenged.

I was discussing my situation with my mentor, and he questioned the mindset I had slipped into. He challenged the assumption that I was disabled or that my life was over. That bothered me. I did not like being questioned. But I knew he was right. It forced me to examine myself and stop being defiant toward God. Deep down I knew He was my only help, so I began to pray again. As I talked to God about my situation, like He did not already know, I sensed Him ask, Why don’t you put into practice what you believe? I knew exactly what He meant. I had stopped practicing my spiritual disciplines. I was not using my recovery tools. I kept insisting that I needed to know why this was happening. But would knowing why actually move me forward? No. I knew I needed to move out of the why, but I did not know how. So I began asking how. How can I get unstuck? How can I change my mindset? How can I move forward from here?

What I discovered was that the how required action. I used the same recovery tools I already had and applied them to this new situation. I worked the steps around my health and diagnosis. I took small practical steps each day. As I shifted from why to how, my mindset shifted too. I accepted the situation for what it was instead of the catastrophe I had imagined. I stopped running from God and returned to my spiritual disciplines. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. The depression lifted. I began taking care of myself again. I found peace in the middle of chaos.

There are still days when I am tempted to ask why, but why has become irrelevant to me in my recovery. It keeps me where I am. Why is about the past and how is about the future. I have decided to live looking forward instead of looking back. When I ask how, I act. And action moves me out of paralysis and back into recovery.

Prayer

Lord, help me stop getting lost in the whys. Help me seek You in the how. Show me how to act, grow, and recover. Give me the courage to move forward in Your strength. Amen.

GOD’S HEARING AIDES

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

God has placed safeguards for us. These safeguards serve more than one purpose. They help us stay safe “so we are not lead astray by every wind of doctrine” (Ephesians 4:14), they help us stay strong against the enemy, they help us “rightly dividing His Word” (2 Timothy 2:15), they help us hear Him better (Hebrews 5:14), they help us develop our own fruit (John 15:5) (fruit of the spirit and spiritual fruit – two different things – but that’s another lesson), they help us to “tune in” to His frequency.

HIS FREQUENCY

The description of a radio is a great example of how this works. Think of a radio station. It is always broadcasting. If I am unable to hear station 99.1 on my radio, I have to do some troubleshooting to figure out why. Do I have a proper radio that will pick up the frequency? Do I have an antenna? And is the antenna the right kind? Am I connected to a power source either electric current or battery-operated? Do I have the radio turned on? Is the radio tuned to the correct channel and band (AM or FM)? Once I have the signal, is it fine-tuned to pick it up clearly? Do I have the volume set to the right level? Each one of these things can cause me to not be able to hear the broadcast coming from the station. Or to not hear it clearly. I do not think anyone would automatically assume the station was not broadcasting if they couldn’t hear the station. It is the same way with God. He is always broadcasting – He is always speaking to us. If we are not able to hear Him, then we need to first check our “equipment” to make sure it’s not broken and it’s working properly and make sure that it is plugged into the power source and tuned to the correct channel.

In this analogy, our equipment or radio is our born-again conscience, the Word of God, and praying in the spirit. Our equipment is also a safeguard for us to keep us on the correct path and make sure we do not tune into a different channel or be misled or deceived in any way.

SAFEGUARDS

Let us talk about some of these safeguards. There are many safeguards God has set in order, to help and guide us. The list below is by no means exhaustive, but merely a few examples to help us think about things differently. When we begin to think from a kingdom mindset then we demonstrate the true repentance that both John the Baptist and Jesus preached. For the Kingdom of Heaven is surely “at hand”.

His Word
Our Born-Again Conscience
Praying in the Spirit
Holy Spirit
Meditating
Worship
Peace
Spiritual Mentors (Discipleship – not TV/ Radio ministers) – Relationship is involved.

For this lesson, we will address His Word and our born-again conscience. In the next chapter, we will cover praying in the spirit.

HIS WORD

Although to some it may seem self-evident that God’s word would be a basic safety net when wanting to hear from God, even though it may seem this way, many people do not connect the dots and do not understand this concept.

Having a basic understanding of God’s word helps us to know when God is speaking to us. We have a measurement tool to use and verify if the content is from the same source. We take what we hear or perceive and hold it up next to God’s word and see if they say the same or similar thing.

My son, give attention to my words; Incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your eyes; Keep them in the midst of your heart; For they are life to those who find them, And health to all their flesh. Proverbs 4:20-22 Amplified

As we incline our ears to His Word and give priority to His word, His word will be life and health to our flesh.

I have restrained my feet from every evil way, That I may keep Your word. Psalm 119:101

This says that we must restrain ourselves from evil so that we can keep His word.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

His word sheds light on our path which means He leads us and directs and guides us. A lamp to our feet means we will not stub our toe or stumble because the light is on our feet where we walk. This shows us that not only does God give us broad big picture direction, but He will also give us the small details and make sure that where we go is lit up. Of course, we have to listen to and obey His word to see this result.

You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.John 15:3

His word makes us clean and pure. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” We are clean and pure before God when we hear His word. This gives us confidence that we can come before Him with boldness.

Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away. Matthew 24:35

His word will never pass away. It says that Heaven and earth will pass away. We know from Revelation 21:1 that at the end of the age, heaven and earth will pass away and there will be a new heaven and a new earth. But His word will remain. He is the Word.

These verses above outline for us some of the ways that doing this protects us and keeps us safe. God’s words bring us life and health, they keep us from evil, and they shed light on our path so we will know God’s will for our lives. They keep us clean, and pure in our minds and souls. And they can be counted on and relied upon until the end of time – forever.

God and His word are One. Jesus is the Word of God. (John 1:1) The Word of God is God. I am not referring to the ink, paper, and binding of a book, but the words contained on the pages. The Spirit of those words. Imagine the more you know God’s word, the more you know God. I would like to add a caveat to that statement. What does it mean to know God’s word? I do not mean just being able to read, memorize and recite words. The word must get inside of you, it must be real and come alive. The word is a light that “shines in the darkness” of your heart and mind (John 1:5) “until the day dawns, and the morning star rises in your heart” (2 Peter 1:19). When this happens, it brings a spiritual understanding and establishes what you have heard. This is also called a revelation. Paul refers to this as having the eyes of your understanding enlightened so that you may know His will. (Ephesians 1:18)

Have you ever heard the phrase “it just dawned on me”? This verse in 2 Peter is where that phrase comes from. And when someone uses that phrase, they are referring to something that just became aware to them in their mind. Something they were not previously thinking about or may not have understood. Then suddenly a light bulb goes off on the inside and a fresh new perspective arises inside. That is the day dawning in your heart. That is revelation straight from God.

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Owning My Five Percent

Sometimes the issue isn’t what I said. It’s the impression I left. Recovery is teaching me to own my influence.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

Recently I was accused of saying something I never said. An employee told my boss that I said they would lose their job if they didn’t come in. I did not say that. I know I didn’t. I have been in management long enough to know what you can and cannot say. My standard response when someone calls off sick is simple and safe. It is the same for everyone. I do not threaten. I do not pressure. So, when my boss approached me with that accusation, my first reaction was anger. I felt misrepresented. I got defensive. I rehearsed the conversation in my head. I started building my case. Before recovery, I would have dug my heels in and proved I was right. I would have made sure everyone knew I never said those words.

My sponsor taught me to pause and do a specific inventory when something was bothering me. I stopped building my defense and started asking honest questions. “Did I really say that?” “Did I give that impression?” Maybe not just of what I literally said, but of what I communicated. That is a very different question. I am in a position of authority. I am tall. I have a strong presence. I speak directly. I carry myself with confidence. Add to that, this is someone who is already sick. Maybe they are feeling guilty. Worried about their job. Maybe already feeling insecure just making the call. Although I may not have threatened anything, could my tone, my phrasing, my energy, combined with the situation, have created pressure even if I never intended it? That question changed my perspective. I stopped being defensive and humbled myself. Instead of confronting them to prove I was innocent, I chose to look at my part and see if I had given that impression.

I am learning in recovery that my intention does not erase the effect of my actions. I am not responsible for what someone assumes or fears, but I am responsible for the impression I cause. Even if my part is five percent, I have to own that five percent fully, one hundred percent. That is what amends really looks like for me. I am not referring to taking blame for things I did not do or allowing myself to be manipulated into guilt. Instead, I am honestly examining how my position, presence, and delivery affect others. Before recovery, being right was what mattered the most. I would never even consider it possible that I could passively affect other people this way. Today, taking responsibility for my part matters more to me than protecting my image. I do not have to be right to feel safe.

It is in humbling myself and taking an inventory of my influence instead of defending my intentions that I know I am practicing my recovery. That is taking responsibility. This is how recovery is helping me build people up instead of unknowingly pressing them down. By focusing on fixing me and me only, no one else, I am seeing my relationships grow stronger, more personal, and more real. That is what it is all about anyway. Relationships. With God, with myself and with others. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, give me the courage to examine my actions and influence so that I can see my part clearly. Give me the humility to own my part fully. Help me let go of the need to be right. Help me practice my recovery in all of my relationships. Amen.

Powerless, Not Helpless

Acceptance and Responsible Action

Getting older can stir up resentment we don’t expect. Here’s what happened when I worked a Fourth Step on it.

My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lately I have been more aware of my body. I do not have the same stamina I once had. I get tired easier. It takes longer to recover. I get sick sometimes when I seldom did before. As I get older, my body does not always cooperate with my mind the way it used to. That affects how much I can work, how much I can play, and even how I view myself as a man. I noticed something stirring underneath the surface. It began as uneasiness that would not go away. Then it turned into frustration and comparison. I would see other men my age still pushing hard, and I felt it. The old fear of not being good enough.

My sponsor taught me that when something is bothering me, I need to write about it. Thoughts become clear when they pass through our lips and fingertips. That is Fourth Step work. So I wrote about it. I asked myself why I was feeling not good enough and what I was afraid of. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was not just resentful of getting older as much as I was resentful of getting weaker. And I was afraid I would not be able to continue living the life that I was accustomed to. I was grieving the part of me who could push longer and produce more. When I dug deeper, I saw something I did not want to admit. I was angry at God. I was embarrassed to see that on paper. Aging is a natural process. I am not a victim. My life is not over. Yet I was blaming Him for something that simply is what it is.

As odd as it may sound, admitting that brought relief. God already knew what I was thinking. But my admittance was about being honest with myself. Aging exposes a new kind of powerlessness. I cannot control time, and I cannot stop my body from changing. When I resist that reality, resentment can build. When I accept it, that pressure releases. Acceptance does not mean fading away into weakness. It means making wise adjustments. I require more sleep now, so I go to bed earlier. I eat healthier so I have more energy. I exercise so my body can build endurance and strength. I keep my brain engaged and my mind active, looking for things that require mental effort. I stay connected in my relationships.

Working the Steps helps me move from embarrassment to acceptance, and from acceptance to action. I am powerless over aging, but I am not helpless. I still have choices that affect my stamina, my health, and my outlook. My goals have not disappeared. They have shifted. Because of my relationship with God, I can be honest with Him and with myself. I am not fading away. I am not stagnant. I am adjusting. I am progressing and growing in my recovery. It keeps me mentally and emotionally healthy. The decisions I make will help my body be as healthy as it can be. I can face this season with confidence instead of resentment. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You that I can be honest with You about my fears and frustrations. Help me accept what I cannot control and take wise action where I can. Keep my heart free from resentment and steady in Your grace. Teach me to adjust wisely and trust that Your strength is enough for me. Amen.

Yes and No

Finding Balance

In recovery I learned that fear-based no and guilt-based yes are both extremes. Healthy boundaries mean saying what I truly mean.

Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No. Matthew 5:37

Before recovery I said no to everything. No was my first response. I was a no person. I did not open myself up to invitations. I did not try new things. I stayed guarded. In recovery I began to say yes, but before that, no was how I survived. Why did I say no all the time? I took an honest inventory, and I saw it again. That old character flaw. Not being good enough. I was afraid that if I said yes or opened myself up to an invitation, I would be rejected. And why would I purposely subject myself to that? Growing up in an alcoholic home, I developed survival traits. Those traits kept me safe. But they also kept everyone out. I couldn’t trust anyone. I did not take things at face value. I did not give others the benefit of the doubt. I assumed I would be hurt or let down if I did. So I said no. And I only said yes when I was in control. That was the vicious cycle I lived in. And I never even considered there was another way.

In recovery I began to say yes. Yes to invitations. Yes to new people. Yes to new experiences. Yes to meetings. Yes to service work. Yes to life. And when I started saying yes, I experienced things I had never experienced before. I made new friends. I went new places. I was becoming a different person and I liked it. I began to identify my emotions and appreciate them. Saying yes was good for me. It helped me grow. It helped me soar even. But then I started learning about boundaries. And I realized that as much as I needed to say yes, there were times I needed to say no as well. In recovery, I am learning that I don’t have to stay in either extreme.

It was such an odd paradigm shift and paradox. Before recovery I never said yes. Always no. But in recovery I began saying yes every time, even when I meant no. I said yes when I meant no because I felt guilty and afraid. I liked my new life. I liked how I was growing. I did not want to regress back to my old life. And so I overcorrected. I went from fear-based no to guilt-based yes. I was confused and tired.

I am grateful for my friends in recovery and my sponsor who helped me stay centered and grounded. They taught me that yes and no are both healthy boundaries. Neither is good or bad in itself. Accepting invitations and new adventures is exciting and invigorating. Saying no kept me safe, but it did not lead to growth or learning anything new. Saying no out of fear left me stagnant and alone. Saying yes out of guilt left me exhausted and resentful. Working through the Steps is teaching me balance. I am learning to say yes when I mean yes and to say no when I mean no. When I do, I am able to live a well-rounded life without guilt and fear.

Prayer

Father, help me say yes when I mean yes and no when I mean no. Take away the fear and guilt of my past. Teach me how to consistently practice balance in my recovery. Thank You for helping me. Amen.

The Highest Power

Admitting I am powerless doesn’t make me weak. It connects me to the Highest Power.
When I draw near to Him, He draws near to me.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God. By that I mean I believed that God existed, He created everything, He was all-powerful, Jesus was His Son and He died on the cross and rose again and was the way to eternal life in heaven. But beyond that I didn’t have a relationship with God. In my thinking God was distant and removed, He didn’t interact in my life on a regular basis, let alone daily. I remember the day that I finally saw more and surrendered my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior. It was amazing. But if I am honest, I didn’t change the way I viewed God. He was still distant and off in the future, He wasn’t here and now. The principles of recovery walked me through a process where I began to see God more intimately involved in my daily life. Developing a personal relationship with Him is what working a recovery program is all about. I saw Him as the One True Higher Power.

It was the admission that I am powerless over my addictions or compulsive behaviors that opened me up to reach out to the fullness of God. When I asked for His power to help and heal me, I began to understand that He wants to transform me. He does so by filling my life with His love, His joy, His hope, and His presence. I learned in Steps 1 and 2 that I needed to turn my attention away from myself and instead turn it toward God. This would be my turning point. This is where healing and freedom began for me. I felt overwhelmed and stranded when I realized that I can’t heal myself. Considering I needed divine help was scary. God is the only one who has the power to replace my chaos with freedom, and I had no idea how He would close that distance.

Of course, He knew long before I did what was needed. That is why He sent Jesus to demonstrate God’s love and power here on earth. He saved me from the grip of sin and the destruction it was bringing into my life. He gave an example of how to live out that relationship with God on a daily basis. He was tempted in every area and in every way that I am, but without failure and without sin. He is not just my higher power. He is the Highest Power, because He has conquered all life can dish out. He did that for me so I could experience freedom and intimacy with Him in my own life. When I acknowledge my own powerlessness, I see His power sustaining me daily no matter what I face.

Today, admitting my powerlessness does not make me feel weak. Instead, it is exactly how I draw strength. When I surrender to God, He does not leave me stranded to face my challenges alone. I am not abandoned. He is present and active in my life. He no longer feels distant. I know He is with me. This happens when I stop resisting Him. It may seem like the opposite of what I should do, but it is simply an act of faith. I am learning that this is what trusting Him looks like. When I give up control and surrender to Him, I receive Him. He is the Highest Power.

Prayer

Lord, I give up control again today. I confess that I cannot heal myself or carry this life alone. Draw me close to You and help me stay close. When I feel weak, remind me that Your strength is enough. Thank You for being the Highest Power in my life. Amen.

The Root of It

The Real Issue

The addiction was visible. The character flaws were underneath. Real change began at the root.

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

When I first walked through the doors of recovery, I thought I was coming to save my marriage. That was my focus. I was convinced that if things could just change at home, everything would settle down. But by following the suggestion to keep coming back, I began to see something I wasn’t expecting. The problem wasn’t just my marriage. It was me. At the core of my reason for coming were my character flaws. I was wounded and emotionally hurt in ways I had ignored for years, and that pain seeped into every area of my life, causing conflict and hostility in all of my relationships. Once I saw that I needed to work on fixing me instead of everyone else, something shifted. I started to deal with my pain. My issues. My flaws.

Like most of us, I didn’t seek help until something was clearly out of control in my life. Addiction was the obvious problem. It was visible. It was measurable. It was causing damage I could no longer deny. Sometimes others had pointed it out before, but I never listened, even though deep down I knew they were right. I came looking for help in the area that was causing the most pain. But after I had been in recovery for a while, I started to see what had been driving it all along. The addiction was not the root. It was the symptom. The real trouble had been living inside me for years. My people pleasing. My anger. My insecurity. My need to control outcomes. If I did not deal with those things, I would just trade one problem for another. I would stay stuck. The bad news is that I have character flaws. I was a people pleaser. I struggled with control and manipulation. I carried latent anger. At first, I did not recognize any of this. In my heart I wanted to live my life fully committed to God, but ignoring these issues kept me from doing that.

As I continued in recovery, I started to see this wasn’t just my story. The outward problem may look different for each of us, but what sits underneath is often familiar. Addiction may be what is visible, but it rarely begins there. The behaviors show up on the outside, but the roots usually run much deeper, in the character flaws we all carry.

I had to acknowledge these flaws in my own life and offer them to God. No more blaming. No more pretending. I started with the issue causing the most pain, and then I began facing the smaller areas He revealed to me. It wasn’t instant, and it wasn’t easy, but it was honest. The change didn’t come from trying harder. It came from surrender. As I stayed willing and kept bringing these parts of myself to Him, something began to shift inside me. I did my part. He did His. And as He began changing me from the inside out, I found that I could finally live my life fully committed to God, not just in words, but in the way I actually lived. And that has brought me peace and happiness that remains to this day.

Prayer

Father, show me what is underneath. Help me stop blaming and start surrendering. Give me the courage to face my flaws and trust You to change me from the inside out. Amen.

Recovery Takes Action

Doing The Next Right Thing

Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. James 2:17

The other day my car broke down. The battery died and I did not have any jumper cables. I was stranded on the side of the freeway. I grabbed my phone and called my friend. He did not answer. I got his voicemail. I didn’t have anyone else to call. I felt helpless. What would I do? I thought about calling him again, except that would make me seem needy. But I needed help, so I called him again. This time he answered. I told him my situation and asked if he would help me. He said sure and was on his way. While I was waiting for him to arrive, I began to wonder how long I would have sat there, if I had not humbled myself and asked for help

That was me before recovery. I sat in my pain for years. Never asking for help. I didn’t get along with people. I had compulsive behaviors. I overreacted. I got my feelings hurt easily. I almost always felt left out and unwanted. My marriage was a facade. I could not stand being alone with my thoughts, so I filled every minute trying to fix other people. Manipulation and control were my way of life. And yes, I had my own addictions too. Sexual addiction. Sugar and starches. Entertainment. Being right. Wanting to control everything and everyone. I knew I was struggling, but I refused to reach out. I wanted freedom without having to change.

Even though I knew I had these hurts, habits and hang-ups in my life, I never sought out the help of another person. Friends suggested a 12 Step group more than once. I laughed. I told them I did not need that. I knew God. I knew His Word. I believed I needed only one step, God. I believed if I prayed and asked God to remove my struggles, He would. But nothing changed. When it did not change, I became angry and frustrated. My belief system was twisted. I believed prayer meant waiting and doing nothing. I thought that doing anything other than waiting for God to make it happen would be pride. I even thought believing that God had answered my prayer was also pride. It was denial masked as false humility. So I would just pray and hope for change to happen without me doing anything. In recovery I finally saw that God tells me to do something if I want change. I need to put action to my prayers. Prayer without action kept me stuck.

Recovery has taught me something simple but life-changing. I must stop doing what I say I want freedom from. After I ask God for freedom, then I need to take action. I need to ask other people for help. I will not get better if I don’t trust others and let them in. Being honest about my needs and asking for help is no longer a weakness. It is part of how I begin to heal. It is God who heals me, but He does it in relation to me working the steps. I cannot heal myself, and God will not override my refusal to act. For me, taking action now begins with step work.

Reflection

Where am I waiting for God to help when He may be waiting for me to act?

Serenity Prayer

A Guided Prayer Meditation

Serenity Prayer is not just words I repeat in meetings. It is more than that. It has become a new way of thinking, practicing surrender, and living my life each day. This is how I practice it in real life. I use the full prayer.

God,

God is the source of my help, not me. I need help from a power greater than me. (Step 1) He is God and I am not.

Grant me the Serenity

I need peace and sanity in my life and I cannot get it by myself or I would already possess it. I am insane. I have crazy thinking. Things either now are or will get chaotic beyond my control.

To accept the things I cannot change.

My challenge is acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. I cannot change things no matter how much I think I might be able to.

The courage to change the things I can,

Change is not easy. It is actually very hard. That is why it takes courage, courage which I do not possess on my own. I need God to give me courage. After I accept whatever it is that I can change, then I need to confront it with God’s help.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I need God’s wisdom to help me know what I have control over and what I do not. The wisdom to know what I need to change and what I cannot change.

Living one day at a time,

It helps me to take things in small chunks. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Confucius. I can do something for a few hours that I would not be able to do if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.

Enjoying one moment at a time;

I need God’s help to enjoy life, to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally stop while I am walking and bend over and smell the flowers. Not just figurative talk. I need to enjoy life and not be so negative.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

I do not like this part of the prayer. I do not want any hardship at all. Ever. But that is unrealistic thinking and it sets me up for future resentments. So I ask God to help me accept hardship and then ask Him to show me a pathway toward peace in the midst of it.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;

This tells me that Jesus practiced acceptance too. He lived and operated in this sinful world and as it was. He did God’s will in the midst of chaos and evil.

Not as I would have it;

He did not insist that everyone do it His way, even though His way was God’s way. He allowed people to make their own choices. He accepted and loved them anyway, even though they did things against God’s will and His plan. I need to release my demand that others live according to my expectations.

Trusting

I ask God to help me trust. Sometimes trusting Him is easy and sometimes trusting Him is very hard. The man in the Bible said, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24). After I learn to trust God, it becomes easier to start trusting others. Something I never did before recovery.

That You will make all things right

I can trust that He cares about me and for me. He is a loving, caring God who will bring good and make wrong things right if I surrender to Him and His will.

If I surrender to Your will;

Surrender is the key. I need to raise the white flag and surrender to God and to His will, holding up both hands in a humble posture.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

Happiness is a choice. Some say happiness is temporary but joy is eternal. I believe I can be reasonably happy, and many times very happy, in this life while still living in lasting joy.

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Nothing gives more peace than knowing my eternal destiny is secure. That at the end of my life here on earth, I will go to heaven and be with Him forever.

AMEN

Amen means so be it. Let it happen. Or as I have heard in meetings, Let it begin with me.