Feelings Follow Actions

Take The Next Step

Change didn’t start when I felt better. It started after I acted.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

For most of my life I built a wall so I would not have to feel my feelings. I did not want to deal with those unpleasant emotions that made me feel so uncomfortable. I had learned how to shut things down and keep on moving. But when I came into recovery, and once I started working the steps, that door opened. And like a floodgate being released, all of those feelings and emotions I had been holding back for years suddenly started coming out. I was trying to feel them and experience them, but I did not know how. I didn’t know what to do with them. And many times they were confusing too, because they would intermingle and come at the same time. I remember a moment when I received some great amazing news and some horribly bad news within about 30 minutes of each other. My wife and I had just found out we were pregnant after several years of trying. We were elated and so happy. It was wonderful. And then a little later, I received a call that my dad had passed away. I was sad and angry. And then confused. Life and death all in less than an hour’s time. I felt happy and angry and sad all at the same time. I called my sponsor to get some help. He simply said, “Those are and feelings.” I began to realize that it was good that I was no longer running from my feelings. I was finally experiencing my emotions and acknowledging that they were real. But I also started to see how much of a roller coaster life becomes if I allow my emotions to become the determining factor for everything I do.

I’ve heard it said many times in the rooms of recovery, and I have found it to be true in my own life, that you can’t think your way into better behavior, but you can act your way into better thinking. And over time I began to see that the same thing is true with feelings. I cannot feel my way into better behavior, but I can act my way into better feelings. When I let my emotions dictate my actions, my life becomes unstable and reactive. I start making decisions based on how I feel in the moment, and that usually doesn’t lead me anywhere good. But when I choose to take healthy actions first, even when I don’t feel like it, something begins to shift. My behavior starts to change. And as my behavior begins to change, something starts to shift in my thinking. And as my thinking begins to change, my feelings begin to follow. Those simple actions, the ones that don’t seem like much in the moment, begin to calm the storm inside me.

Step Two says that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For me, the action in that step is in the word came. I would have never started believing any of this if I had not come in the first place. I had to get up out of my feel-sorry-for-myself life and take myself down the road to a place where I could hear how to change. Not every action in recovery is grand or dramatic. Many of them are simple and even mundane. Showing up. Listening. Taking the next right step. But those small actions begin to change my behavior, and when my behavior changes it is amazing how my feelings begin to change too. I came, and then I began to believe. And as I kept showing up and taking those simple actions, I started to feel different too.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop letting my feelings run my life. Teach me to walk by faith and take the next right step, even when I don’t feel like it. I surrender the outcome to You. Amen.

My Mind Took Off

Slowing It Down

My mind can take me places that aren’t even real. I’m learning to catch it, slow it down, and come back to what’s actually true.

We are even taking every thought prisoner so that it is obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

I was in a meeting recently, and I really wanted to share. I felt like I had something valuable to offer. It was a tag meeting, and I was used to being called on. But this time, I wasn’t. And just like that, my mind took off. Maybe they don’t like me anymore. I had given a lead share just a week prior, so my mind tried to convince me that maybe I said something wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t good enough. That hit my core character defect, feeling like I’m not good enough. I even started playing out scenarios in my head, full conversations. They all got together and had a private meeting where they were talking about me. They all agreed not to call on me anymore. That I had done or said something wrong.

This is crazy thinking. I know. I also know that when I start thinking like this, it’s a good sign I need to revisit Step 2. I have insane thinking. I can carry on full conversations in my head and create entire scenarios that aren’t real. These are the things I did before recovery. And what really stood out to me was the contradiction. I’m thinking and feeling that I’m not good enough, yet at the same time thinking I’m so important that everyone is talking about me.

Then I realized there are 30 to 40 people in this meeting. Basic math tells me not everyone is going to get a chance to share. There are other people there that want to share too. That helped me put things in perspective. Maybe everything isn’t about me. Maybe they aren’t talking about me either. When I got some perspective, and spent some time in prayer and meditation, I could see this was less about rejection and more about my pride. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to contribute. And when that didn’t happen, I was disappointed. That’s normal. Recovery is helping me recognize it, identify it, and put it in its proper perspective so I don’t get pulled back into the same old thinking. When I do that, I don’t get my feelings hurt, and I don’t act out with manipulation or damage my relationships the way I used to.

Prayer
Father, help me slow down when my mind starts to take off. Help me bring it back to what is real and true. I don’t want to go back to that old thinking. Thank You for keeping me in Your hands. Amen.

What Was So Good About Friday?

What felt like the worst day of my life… became the turning point.

Why do we call it Good Friday? It’s the day Jesus Christ died for our sins. It’s the day He paid the price for everything that had gone wrong. That’s what we’ve been told. That’s what we know. But if you really think about it… there was nothing good about that day when it was happening.

It was betrayal, pain, and loss. Jesus was in agony, knowing what was coming. He was betrayed by one of His own, denied by another, and left alone by the rest. He was beaten, mocked, falsely accused, and sentenced to die. There was nothing about that moment that felt good. It looked like the worst possible outcome.

And honestly… I’ve had a day like that too.

A time in my life where everything fell apart. I felt lost, broken, and alone. I couldn’t think straight. I cried more than I ever had. I felt abandoned, unloved, and unwanted. I didn’t want to live… but I didn’t have the courage to die. That was my bottom. That was my version of a “Good Friday,” and there was nothing good about it when I was in it.

But looking back now… I see it differently.

That was the place where everything started to change. That pain brought me to a place where I was finally willing to do something different. It humbled me enough to admit I needed help, and gave me just enough willingness to ask for it. That’s where recovery started for me. Not when things got better… but when everything broke.

I believed in God before that, but I hadn’t surrendered. Not really. When I finally did—when I let go of trying to control everything and started trusting Him—that’s when my life began to change.

So when I think about why it’s called Good Friday… I understand it now.

Not because it felt good. Not because it looked good. But because of what came out of it.

That was my Good Friday.

Reflection:

Have you had a “Good Friday” moment when life broke you enough to make you reach out for help? How did God meet you in that moment?

He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Faith That Shows Up

Trusting the Process

I used to think faith was something I believed. Now I’m learning it’s something I do. Showing up, even for 15 minutes, changed more than I expected.

Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it. Hebrews 11:1

The topic in my meeting last night was, what does faith mean to me. I paused for a moment, because sometimes I can get stuck on how something is said and completely miss the meaning and intent. So, I decided to try and consider what was really being asked instead. I used to only attribute faith to biblical principles and ideas. But the phrasing of the question, and listening to others share, got me thinking about it differently. I wanted to identify the practical application of faith, especially as it relates to my recovery. As I listened, I was reminded of when I first started recovery and hearing the phrase, “Keep coming back, it works.” Honestly, that sounded cute, but it didn’t make much sense to me at the time. How was going to a meeting and listening to other people’s problems going to fix anything around me? I was looking for answers to my own problems, not take on someone else’s too. I wanted to figure things out and control the situation. But something in me was willing to take a chance anyway. This was something new, something I knew nothing about. It was a risk. It meant trusting something that didn’t make sense. It was a paradox.

I remember one time I showed up late to a meeting because of work and everything else going on. I only caught the last 15 minutes. I almost didn’t go. I thought, what’s the point? Drive all the way there just for it to be over. But I went anyway and I stayed. And I got something out of those 15 minutes. Honestly, I got a lot out of it. After the meeting, my sponsor told me something I’ve never forgotten. He said, a little bit of recovery is better than no recovery at all. That stuck with me. Showing up like that, going anyway just for 15 minutes, that was faith. Staying after the meeting and talking with my sponsor was faith. It was doing the next right thing. It was taking action even when I didn’t feel like it or understand it. That is what faith means to me.

What I’ve found is that when I keep coming back, something starts to change. Not everything around me, but something inside me. I begin to change. And even when that wasn’t my original goal, it became the result. Faith, for me, is being willing to trust the process, even when everything in me is telling me otherwise. It’s believing something good can come out of all the pain of my past, even when I don’t see it yet. It’s practical. It shows up in action, in willingness, going to meetings and working the steps. And little by little, I see it working. My life has gotten better one step, one action at a time.

Prayer
Father, help me to trust You even when it doesn’t make sense. Give me the willingness to show up and take the next right step. Teach me how to live this out in my daily life. Amen.

Self Reliance

Back to Basics

I still need God. I still need people. That hasn’t changed.

Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. Proverbs 3:5

I was recently asked to share at a beginners meeting. What I heard in the readings was this reminder: go to meetings and share when I can, get a sponsor, work all the Steps in order starting with Step One, read recovery literature every day, and use the phone between meetings. And I saw something subtle lurking inside me. It’s easy for me to become complacent as things get better. As I experience more peace and happiness, I can drift and forget what brought me here. It reminded me why I came to recovery in the first place. It reminded me not to become complacent, not to drift, not to start thinking I did this on my own. If I could have found this peace and happiness through my own self-reliance, I would have. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It eluded me at every turn, no matter how much I longed for it.

Realizing that I need God and other people humbles me. It keeps me simple. It keeps me seeking. It reminds me I haven’t arrived and I don’t have it all together. That kind of thinking leads me right back to relapse. It takes me back to old behaviors and a life I no longer want. I need this. I need Him. I need people.

So what do I do? I pray. I sincerely pray and seek God for His will, His wisdom, and His direction in my life. I choose to accept the changes He wants to make in me. I reach out to other people and am vulnerable, sharing my true self. That keeps me humble. It pushes back pride. Living this way has brought me what matters most to me now. Something I longed for my whole life but didn’t even know I was missing. That is connection. Real relationships. First with God, and then with other people. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to continue doing the next right thing. Help me keep doing what I did in the beginning. Thank You for reminding me that I need not only You but others. Give me the courage to continue this journey and keep reaching out and seeking help. Amen.

Why I Need to Be Right

Hearing vs Proving

I didn’t realize how much I needed to be right… until I saw how it kept me from actually listening.

My dear brothers and sisters, always be willing to listen and slow to speak. Do not become angry easily. James 1:19

I was having a conversation with a friend, and we had different opinions about something. It wasn’t heated, we just saw things differently and were discussing it. At one point, we were both talking at the same time, neither one of us really listening. I remember saying, “You’re not listening. You keep interrupting me.” That was when our discussion turned into an argument. And I was convinced they were the problem.

Later, I prayed about it. I was seeking God’s wisdom about the situation. But I was also asking God to show me how I was right and they were wrong. But instead, God showed me something different. He showed me I was doing the exact same thing. When I was saying that they were not listening and kept interrupting me, I was talking over them too. I wasn’t listening either. And what He really showed me was a shift in my mindset. Instead of saying, “You’re not listening,” I could have said, “I feel like I’m unheard. I feel like what I say doesn’t matter.” That’s different. That would have been more honest and vulnerable. Because I really don’t know what’s going on inside of them, but I do have an idea of what’s going on inside me.

I also know that is recovery. Keeping the focus on me. Staying on my own side of the street. Keeping my nose on my own face. Using I and me statements instead of you. When I shifted my perspective to what I was feeling instead of what they were doing, I saw it. I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough again. That is my character defect being hit. It really had nothing to do with my friend at all. I was feeling unimportant and unheard. That is all me. What really stood out to me was this. I was able to listen when God corrected me, but I wasn’t willing to listen to my friend. With God, I was submitted, open, and willing to hear. But in that conversation, I was more focused on being right than being willing. It makes me think… if I had approached my friend with that same posture, with more humility and respect, I might have actually been able to listen to them in the first place.

When that feeling of not being good enough gets triggered, I start trying to prove myself instead of just being honest about what I feel. With God’s help and the tools of recovery, I am seeing that more clearly. Praying about it helped me pause, take inventory, and give it over to God. But it also showed me something else. The same way I’m willing to listen when God corrects me, I want to start bringing that same willingness into my conversations with other people. Not trying to prove I’m right, but being willing to hear. Being willing to pause. Being willing to stay open. I don’t have to fix the other person. I just have to stay honest about what’s going on in me and be willing to listen. And that changes everything. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, Teach me how to listen and understand. Help me keep my focus on what’s going on in me, not others. Keep me honest, open, and teachable. Thank You. Amen.

The Battle For Peace

Taking Thoughts Captive

I’m learning that I can have peace in spite of what’s happening around me. It comes from what I’m thinking about.

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

I didn’t realize how important my thinking was. I really started to see this when I started working through the steps. I used to think my thoughts just happened, and I had no control over them. But I’m learning that’s not true. I have a part in what I think about. I can choose what I give my attention to. That may sound simple, maybe even a little repetitive, but it’s real. When I keep going over negative thoughts, fear, and everything that could possibly go wrong, I feel it. It shows up in my body, my attitude, and how I respond to people. But when I start focusing my attention on what is good, what is right, what builds me up, something changes. I start to feel peace rise within me.

Paul talks about this in Philippians. He doesn’t tell me to control everything around me. He points me back to what I’m thinking about. He tells me to think on what is true, good, pure, and worth holding onto. Not everything that could fall apart or go wrong. Because when I let my mind run wild, it will gravitate toward fear, worry, and the what ifs. Then that’s exactly what I start to feel. But when I bring my thinking back to what is right and what God says, there’s a peace that shows up that I can’t explain. I didn’t figure it out. I didn’t earn it. I just stopped feeding the wrong thoughts and started agreeing with the right ones.

This really is a battle, and it’s happening in my mind. I don’t get to sit this one out. Thoughts come in that don’t line up with who God is or what He says about me. Things like I’m not good enough, something bad is about to happen, or I’m not going to make it. When that happens, I’m learning to catch it and deal with it right there. I hold it up against the truth. If it doesn’t line up, I don’t keep it. I let it go. I tell myself no, that’s not true. Then I go back to what God says. That’s how I take thoughts captive. And little by little, peace starts to fill my mind and my heart. I walk and live in that peace, and I experience the promise of serenity. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to pay attention to what I’m thinking about. Show me when I’m agreeing with fear instead of truth. Teach me to come back to what You say. Thank You for Your peace. Amen.

BE STILL AND KNOW

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth!
Psalm 46:10

In my study along these lines, I came across this verse. Now I have heard this verse and read it hundreds if not thousands of times. I have used it and quoted it many, many times in ministering to others and in my preaching and teaching. However, I had never taken the time to study this verse. I mean it seemed self-explanatory. I have found that it is often these seemingly obvious verses that once expounded become much larger and more meaningful. Well, this verse is one of those verses. This verse went off inside my being like an explosion.

Be STILL in Hebrew is a verb that is causative and in the imperative tense. That means is before we even can look at what this word means, we need to look at how it is used. Being causative means that whatever this thing is, it causes a result or another action. It leads to something else. That it is in the imperative tells us that it is forceful, a directive, much like a command. This is not optional. So, before we even look at what the definition of this word is, we have an understanding that it is not an option but a directive from the Lord and it will cause something else to happen and follow.

The definition of the word is: to be alone (alone with God), relax, abate, withdraw, refrain, cease. What are we to relax, withdraw, refrain from, or cease from? Talking. BE QUIET. Yep! That is what it means. STOP TALKING. STOP THINKING. If we will do this. If you follow this directive, then it will cause something else to happen.

And KNOW in Hebrew is also a verb. This verb though is casual, although still in the imperative. Casual means that it will happen easily, it just happens. If you do this, then that will happen type of thing. So, to have the “knowing” part of this verse we must first accomplish the “stilling” part of the verse. And the word still being in the imperative tells us again this is not an option. Serving and seeking God is not an a la carte type of thing where we can pick and choose what and how we want to do it. Even though that seems to be a prevalent thought and idea these days, it is not accurate. If we want to receive the promises and blessings God has for us, many times we must follow the prescribed method that God has indicated. In this case… If we want to know that He is God, we must first be still. The reason why is that the word know is the word YADA in Hebrew. This word YADA is huge. Yes, it means to know, but so much more. To see, observe, reflect, hear, perceive, and recognize. It is a word used much about the prophets and prophetic visions and seeing into the future even. It is not just to acknowledge; it is to know things that you cannot know otherwise. It is revelation from God. It is hearing the voice of God.

So, in summary, if we want to hear the voice of God, clearly. (To see and understand), We need to be quiet. We need to stop talking. We need to stop thinking, (trying to figure things out). We need to quiet our mouths and our minds. If we will do this, then the knowing will come. The revelation. The hearing from God. Will happen and happen easily, without effort.

ALONE WITH GOD

We see Jesus alone with God in prayer (Matthew 14:23). And after His time alone in prayer with God, He is seen walking on the water to the disciples and He rescues them. (Matthew 14:25) How did he “know” to go rescue them from up on top of the mountain where He was praying? Jesus said, “I only do those things I see my Father do” (John 5:19). Jesus was “still” with God the Father and in so doing, He “knew” from God the Father what to do.

In another example, we see when the disciples were alone with Jesus, they were “still” with Jesus, that Jesus expounded or made them to “know” all things. (Mark 4:34). Receiving revelation is knowing.

Another time Jesus was alone in prayer and the disciples joined Him, they were “still” (Luke 9:18) and right after this time of being still, Peter has the revelation that Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus told Peter only the Father can reveal or make you “know” this information. And this was different information than what the religious leaders and the masses had. It was even different information than the rest of the other apostles had at the time. (Matthew 16:18)

It is important to be alone with God. To spend time alone with Him. For it is in these times that we encounter the Creator of the universe and Lover of our souls. When we can be still and quiet in His presence and just wait on Him: He shows up; He speaks; He delivers; He heals; He reveals; He refreshes. Wait patiently on the Lord.

But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Waiting on the Lord causes a renewing and refreshing of our soul. It gives us strength to go beyond the natural limitations of our physical body. It gives us endurance.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope. Psalm 130:5

When waiting on the Lord our soul waits. That is our mind, will, and emotions. So, we are to calm and silence our mind, our will, and our emotions. We wait in silence on Him and hope in His word.

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. ²He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. ³He has put a new song in my mouth– Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear And will trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3

When we wait on Him, He hears us, and He delivers us, He sets us on solid ground and establishes us. We can have confidence that we are stable and secure. We are SAFE. He also puts a new song in our mouths. This speaks of revelation. He fills our mouths with revelation straight from Him. This revelation bypasses our mind and our will as they are silent and quiet as we wait. This shows us the spontaneous nature of revelation. It is all by grace.

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Living Amends

Practice Pause

I used to think amends meant apologizing for everything I felt guilty about. Now I’m learning to slow down, look at what’s going on inside me, and stop creating the same damage.

A wise person is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.
Proverbs 14:16

I was in a meeting last night and the topic was Step 9, making amends. It’s been a while since I made my initial inventory and worked it all the way through to amends. That first time was different though. I’ve gone through the steps many times over the years, including making amends. Today amends looks more like what we call a living amends. I don’t really need to go back and address people from my past. I just change the behavior when I see something that needs to change. My sponsor calls it a spot check inventory followed by amends. I just call it inventory and amends

When I first started making amends, it was hard. I didn’t really understand the purpose. I just knew it was the next step and I needed to do it to get better. Some of the first ones felt amazing. Paying people back money I owed, restoring relationships I had let fall by the wayside, it felt freeing. I thought this is great, who else can I make amends with? And in my zeal and haste, I rushed one. There was no real amends to be made, but I tried anyway. I forced it. I knew it too. It felt different inside me. God was trying to slow me down, but my pride kicked in. I had travelled this far and set the meeting. I would look stupid if I said nothing. What I really did was clear my conscience at someone else’s expense, and I lost a friendship that mattered to me. That one stayed with me. I still regret it. After that, I started slowing down. I talk things through with my sponsor now. Most of the time, if I have doubt, there’s a reason.

What I learned in that unfortunate experience is this. Most of the time when I have doubt, there is no amends to be made. That is why the doubt is there in the first place. I even used to wonder if I should apologize to that friend for my horrible amends attempt faux pas, but that would probably just bring up the same hurt again. I would be clearing my conscience at their expense all over again. When I am feeling confused or unsure, those are the times that I need to write about it. I need to look at my part. What did I do. What were my expectations. Usually I can see that it’s one of my character defects showing up. That reminds me that it’s something going on inside me, not something I need to bring to someone else. I was feeling guilt, like I was complicit. I needed to write about it and give it to God. That was all me 100%.

Amends is really about me, but not the way I thought. It’s not about trying to fix the past so I can feel better. It’s about changing how I live now so I stop creating the same damage. It’s about looking at what’s driving me, seeing the patterns, and taking responsibility for my actions moving forward. It’s about me changing what I do now so that I don’t repeat what I did before. That’s what real living amends looks like. Me changing my behaviors. I don’t have to keep going back and trying to rewrite the past. I have to accept what happened in the past as is. I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. I start to live in the present. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me to slow down and be honest about what is really going on in me. Teach me to take responsibility for my actions and to live different today. Thank You. Amen.

Trying Too Hard

Already Enough

I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself… until I saw it in my daughter.

A person’s words come from what fills their heart. Matthew 12:34

My daughter plays softball, and she’s a good hitter. The other day during a game, she overheard the opposing coach say, “Wow, she makes good solid contact every time.” Her next time at bat, she walked. She was frustrated she didn’t get a chance to hit. Then her next at bat, she struck out. You could see it… she was trying so hard to hit the ball. Trying to prove she really was a good hitter. I was trying to encourage her and told her that she didn’t have to try so hard. You are a good hitter. You don’t have to prove it. Just have fun and let it happen. Later we went and did some batting practice, and she was rocking it again… just like before. God used that to show me something about me. I do the same thing with my writing. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

When someone makes a positive comment about what I write, I feel it. I sometimes find that I put pressure on myself. I want to perform and do good again. I want to prove that I am good enough to deserve the praise or compliment. The truth is when I focus on growing and continuing my journey for me, I don’t have to force it. If I just keep putting good stuff in, good stuff will naturally come out. I know this. I don’t have to force it.

He showed me something else too. It can become an addiction. When someone likes what I write, it releases dopamine in my brain. And that dopamine release is an unexpected boost. My brain likes it and wants more. That is where “crave” comes from. I start craving that feeling. And my brain says, “Hey when I write something people like I can get that instant boost. Let’s do that again.” But when I focus on doing my recovery for me, to improve myself and grow closer to God, the dopamine is released naturally and evenly. I do not have spikes with quick highs and lows.

I am grateful for my recovery today. It allows me to see things as they really are. I can slow down and honestly look at my motives and make different choices. I can then share what God shows me instead of trying to write something people will think is good enough. I don’t have to prove it anymore.

Prayer
Father, help me to stop trying to prove myself. Teach me to trust what You’ve already put in me. Show me how to slow down. Help me just be me and enjoy life. Thank You. Amen.

Focus on the Solution

The Next Right Step

When I finally moved, I discovered God had already been helping me.

Do what God’s teaching says; when you only listen and do nothing, you are fooling yourselves. James 1:22

It’s paradoxical. When I focus on the problem instead of the solution, I stay stuck in it. I get frustrated and angry. The why me’s and the if only’s come in like a flood and overtake my thinking. Then it spills into my emotions and leaks out in my conversations before it shows up in my actions. Before long I am a victim again. But when I change my thinking to focus on the solution, my perspective changes and that is when I start to see progress. That’s what I love about recovery. It doesn’t leave me stuck in the problem. There is a solution. But it is up to me to do something to get it.

Before recovery, I was in bondage. I was struggling. When I focused on my problems, they only intensified. I begged and pleaded with God to take away my addiction. I spent hours in heartfelt prayer, with real tears and real remorse, only to repeat the same behavior again and again. When I came back into my right mind, regret would flood in and overwhelm me. I would promise God I would do better next time. I asked Him to stop me, to remind me, to intervene before I fell. But it never happened. Because I never made a decision to actually change. I never followed it with action or put anything in place to keep me from falling. I was blaming God for not stopping me.

The turning point came when I hit my bottom. It was a dark day, but it was also a good day because it was the day I finally stopped and made a decision. I changed my thinking, and I followed it with action. When I did, I realized all those prayers I prayed were not wasted. They were seeds. God did help me. He did prompt me when I was tempted, but this time I responded differently. I stayed. I chose differently. I did something with what He was showing me. That is the difference for me today. I stopped waiting for God to do for me what He was showing me to do. I am not focusing on the problem anymore. I am taking responsibility and moving toward the solution, one decision at a time. And this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me stop focusing on the problem. Show me how to focus on the solution. Give me the courage to take the next right step. Thank You. Amen.

Recovered or Healed?

Walking It Out

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was recently asked this question by a former sponsee, and it really got me thinking. Am I healed, or am I still recovering? It feels like one of those questions that should have a simple answer, but the more I sat with it, the more I realized there is something deeper going on.

When I look at Jesus, I see that when He healed people, He made them whole. He did not partially heal them. But then I also think about the blind man in Mark 8. Jesus laid His hands on him, and at first the man said he saw men walking around like trees. Then Jesus touched him again, and he saw clearly. That tells me something important. What Jesus does is complete, but it does not always show up all at once the way I expect it to. That is a process, even when the source is perfect.

I know what it means to be free from something. There are struggles I used to have that are completely gone. Not managed. Not controlled. Gone. They are not even a thought anymore. But there are other things that still show up in my life. I still feel not good enough sometimes. I still get my feelings hurt. I still feel left out at times. I still find myself wanting to control things or give advice when it was never asked for. Not like before, but it is still there. So am I healed? Yes. But I am also learning how to live in that healing every day.

What I have found in recovery is a place where this actually becomes real. Scripture tells us to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another, but I did not experience that in church the way I have in recovery. In recovery, there are ground rules. Honesty. Confidentiality. Accountability. People sharing what is really going on, not what sounds right. And something happens in that environment. Healing continues to show up. Not because something new is being given, but because I am no longer hiding my true self. It is a place where I can be honest and not feel exposed. A place where I can actually walk this out daily.

For me, this is what it comes down to. In Christ, I am made whole. That part is finished. But I am still being changed as I learn to think differently, to be honest, and to live differently each day. I am not trying to become healed. I am learning how to live as someone who already is. And that is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
Father, help me live from what You have already done in me. Teach me to stay honest, to stay open, and to walk this out one day at a time. Thank You. Amen.

Keep Coming Back

It Works

Just showing up and taking the next right step is enough.

Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Keep coming back is something I heard early in recovery, and if I’m honest, I didn’t really understand it at first. I wanted answers right away. I wanted relief right away. Sitting still felt uncomfortable, and the process felt too slow. But something kept me coming back. Maybe it was a small sense of relief, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have anything else that was working. So I came back. Then I came back again.

I remember talking with my sponsor one day about fear. He gave me an acronym that has stayed with me ever since. Face Everything And Recover. That was a whole lot better than the way I used to live, which was Forget Everything And Run. I was a runner. I ran from problems, from hard conversations, from anything that made me uncomfortable. My running looked like avoiding and ignoring. Pretending things were not there. Thinking if I did not acknowledge them, they would just go away. Crazy thinking. That is exactly why I needed to be restored to sanity.

Even now, I still need that reminder. Life still brings difficult moments, and my first instinct is sometimes to go back to old ways, avoid it and ignore it. But today I know what to do. Instead of running away, I run toward. I go back to the basics. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I do stepwork. I journal. I remind myself that I do not have to fix everything today. I just need to take the next right step and keep moving forward. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I just have to keep coming back. And every time I do, things get a little better.

Prayer
Father, help me to keep showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. Teach me to run toward You instead of away. Give me the willingness to take the next right step today. Amen.

Why I Didn’t Ask

I Matter

I used to think asking for help meant I was weak and would be rejected. Now I’m learning it leads to getting my needs met and building healthy relationships.

You do not have because you do not ask God. James 4:2

I never used to ask for help. Even when I desperately needed it, I tried to do everything on my own. That was my modus operandi. That was how I survived. Like the good little codependent I was, I believed I had to figure things out by myself. The problem was, I didn’t even really know what I wanted or needed. I didn’t know myself or who I was. More accurately, I was not honest with myself, and I stayed confused. Sometimes I knew I needed something but couldn’t quite identify what. Other times I had an idea but I was afraid to admit I had needs and wants. That would be weakness, and I had learned that weakness gets exploited. Weakness meant pain. So I avoided it. I stayed stuck in a kind of indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice, always thinking what if there could be a better one, the right one later.

I also believed there was a limit to how many times I could ask for help. Like I only had a certain number of requests. Like Aladdin and the genie with only three wishes. I thought I had to make sure I asked for the right thing, not something small or unimportant. I didn’t want to waste it. And if I asked for the wrong thing, what if later I really needed something and was told, “Too bad, you already used your chance.” I even carried this thinking into my relationship with God. I would hold back, even when the need was real. Underneath all of it was the same fear. If I ask, I might be told no. And in my thinking, being told no was the same as being rejected. And that went straight to what I already believed about myself, that I was not good enough.

Honestly, that type of thinking still shows up sometimes even today. The difference is that now my recovery has given me practical tools to bring my thinking back in line and demonstrate healthier behaviors. When this thinking creeps in now, I stop and ask myself what am I feeling, and why? Almost every time it traces back to me feeling like I am not good enough. And when I can identify that little dude, I am able to see it for what it is, my issue. It starts to lose its power. I remind myself of something simple. If someone asked me for help, I would help if I could. I would not refuse them just because. I would not think they used up their chances. This helps me realize that when I ask for help, I am not being unreasonable, and they are not going to reject me or arbitrarily deny my request. When I look at it that way, I can see how distorted and unrealistic my thinking can be.

Today I practice something different. I ask for help when I need it. It’s not always easy. One slogan helps me a lot, “How important is it?”. It helps me not just when I make things bigger than they need to be, but also when I make my needs smaller than they really are. When something is truly important and I need help, I have to ask. Sometimes that means literally telling myself, “Ask for help!” And I do. Almost every time, help comes. The extra benefit is that it strengthens my relationships. They grow closer. What used to feel like weakness is actually where connection happens. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me ask for what I need. Show me when fear is holding me back. Remind me I am not being rejected. Teach me to trust You and the people You’ve placed in my life. Thank You. Amen.

STILL SMALL VOICE

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)

Many people talk about the “still small voice”. I know I have heard about God’s still small voice from the very beginning of my Christian walk over 40 years ago. Yes. I have been walking with God for over 40 years. Wow! I have to say that just hit me, on another level. And seeing it written down here on the page myself, it was like a mini revelation hit me in my spirit. That still small voice churning inside me leaving an impression of something I will research, look up and pray on it. I will share this with you, there is something about doing something for 40 days or 40 years in the Bible. Many things happened after 40 years or 40 days. I feel extremely excited and encouraged about this.

THE BACKGROUND

This still small voice that we talk about comes from a reference in the Bible. The event happened with Elijah and is recorded in 1 Kings 19.

Elijah had pronounced a drought on the land (1 Kings 17:1) that lasted three and a half years (James 5:17). He gave this pronouncement to King Ahab. King Ahab was one of the most wicked and evil kings of Israel that ever lived. He was married to Jezebel who was a worshipper and prophetess of Baal. She was evil, a witch, a false prophet, and a devil worshipper. After giving this pronouncement Elijah left for the Brook Cherith (1 Kings 17:3-7) where God miraculously fed him with bread and meat for about a year until the brook dried up. He then went to Zarephath which is in Sidon. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, except that Jezebel was Queen of the Sidonians. She was from Sidon and lived in Sidon. Here again, God miraculously provided for Elijah by means of a widow woman who did not have enough to feed her or her son, so they were about to eat their last meal of a small cake from a handful of flour and a little bit of oil before they died. (1 Kings 17:8-12) But God not only miraculously sustained Elijah, He also miraculously provided for this widow woman and her son for two and a half more years until the drought ended. (1 Kings 17:16-16). During Elijah’s stay with them, this woman’s son dies, and Elijah raises him from the dead. (1 Kings 17:17-24). I hope you are getting the picture here. Elijah was a mighty man of God. He hears from God and does what God says to him. He is experiencing and performing many miracles. These miracles are a confirmation stamp of his hearing from God. I mean he knows how to hear from God. Look, he heard from God and did what he had heard and then miracles happened. And he heard and did these things amid some scary and difficult situations.

He then challenges Ahab, Jezebel, and 450 of her false prophets of Baal as well as 400 false prophets of Asherah to a duel. (1 Kings 18:19). Ahab and Jezebel had sent out decrees everywhere and made it known that they were hunting for and wanting to kill Elijah. And anyone that knew where Elijah was and did not report it would be put to death. Jezebel had been hunting down all of God’s prophets and killing them, not just Elijah. As I read about this I can visualize and think of the movie series Star Wars. Do you remember how the evil emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader hunted down and killed all the Jedi? During this manhunt, Elijah shows himself to Ahab again (1 Kings 18:17). There is a great challenge between Elijah and 850 of Jezebel’s false prophets. In this showdown, the fire of God comes down from heaven and consumed the offering and all the water that Elijah had poured on it. Elijah then proceeds to execute with a sword all 850 of these false prophets (1 Kings 18:20-40). It is events like this that cause me to ask questions. This is no small feat. I mean he had to swing a sword at least 850 times. If he killed them each on the first attempt. And what about the rest? Did they all just stand there in line waiting their turn for Elijah to kill them? Did they resist at all? Something miraculous was happening for Elijah to be able to execute them all. Just imagine lifting your hand 850 times with nothing in it, let alone a heavy sword. After this event, Elijah tells Ahab, now the drought is over, and the heavy rain is coming. Ahab leaves and heads for Jezreel in his chariot – the King’s Chariot – the fastest chariot in the land – to beat the rain. God’s Spirit then comes upon Elijah and Elijah outruns on foot Ahab’s chariot to Jezreel, by the Spirit of the Lord. These events are chalked full of one miracle after another. Another sign attesting to Elijah hearing from God.

Ahab tells Jezebel about what happened, and Jezebel sends a message to Elijah that she will do the same to Elijah, that Elijah had done to her false prophets, by this same time the very next day. When Elijah heard this, he ran for his life. We next find Elijah hiding under a tree. He is feeling sorry for himself and asks God to take his life. Elijah then falls asleep. I have experienced this type of sorrow; I would actually classify it as depression. Where the desire to live, to do anything, is gone and all your mind and body want to do is escape in sleep. There is no energy left in your body. Next, an Angel shows up and wakes Elijah from his sleep and feeds him. Elijah eats what the Angel gives him and then Elijah falls back asleep. The Angel shows up another time and feeds Elijah again. After eating what the Angel fed him, Elijah falls back asleep again. A third time the Angel of the Lord wakes Elijah up and feeds him. This time the Angel tells him that his next journey is too great, and he will need the nourishment of this food being fed to him. He travels for 40 days and 40 nights on the strength of that food and ends up in a cave on Mount Horeb. (1 Kings 19:1-8).

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

In his flight from Jezebel Elijah tells God he is done. He “taps out”, or “throws in the towel” if you understand that analogy. In wrestling if a competitor no longer wants to continue, he taps the mat; in boxing, they can throw a towel in over the ropes; and when the referee sees this he will step in and end the fight. It is a sign of resignation or surrender. Elijah was giving up, he no longer wanted to fight in this battle. He asks God to take his life. Notice Elijah did not die that night, but he was done. I can relate to this thinking and feeling. Sometimes you just get tired of fighting. We are in a battle, a fight against the enemy of our soul. Our enemy is not constrained by the natural limitations of food, water, and sleep that we in our natural bodies are. God has given us a comforter to help us. The Holy Spirit. He helps us and strengthens us when we are weak and tired.

Elijah has just spent the night in this cave on Mount Horeb and the word of the LORD came to him saying “What are you doing here Elijah?”. Elijah starts to complain in modern terms “I love God and have been His faithful servant, but God’s people have forsaken their covenant with Him and burned the churches and now they want to kill me too.” Elijah’s response did not answer the question that God asked him. “What are you doing here?” Elijah was still caught up in feeling sorry for himself. Raise your hand if you have ever been there. I see that hand. If you are being honest with yourself your hand is raised just like mine is.

I find it interesting that during this exchange God is still speaking to Elijah and Elijah is still clearly hearing the Lord speak with him the whole time.

The next thing we see is God passing by the opening of the cave and as He does there are demonstrations or manifestations of God’s presence as the elements of nature respond with a great strong wind, which tore into the mountains (plural) and broke the rocks into pieces, followed by an earthquake and then a fire. (1 Kings 19:11-12) And it says that the Lord was not in the wind, He was not in the earthquake nor was He in the fire. But after all of these great manifestations, there was a still small voice. And when Elijah heard that still small voice, he wrapped his face to go see and hear more. The commentators tell us that this was the same mountain where Moses had covered his face when God’s presence came down on the mountain with wind, earthquake, and fire. (Ex 19:16) Suddenly a voice came to Elijah and said, “What are you doing here Elijah?” Elijah repeats his complaining still feeling sorry for himself as before.

I have come across many people that seem to think that if God spoke dramatically to them or something spectacular happened to get their attention then they would change. But we see just the opposite of that here. Even amid all these events, I mean right smack dab in the middle, Elijah was still stuck on feeling sorry for himself. Stuck on what the natural situation and circumstances were saying to him at the time.

You and I are no different from Elijah. Listen to what James, the brother of our Lord had to say about Elijah.

Elijah was a human being with a nature such as we have [with feelings, affections, and a constitution like ours]; and he prayed earnestly for it not to rain, and no rain fell on the earth for three years and six months. And [then] he prayed again and the heavens supplied rain and the land produced its crops [as usual].
James 5:17-18 AMP

Did you catch that? Elijah was a human being and had a nature like we do. He had emotions, feelings affections and a constitution just like we do. I am not putting Elijah down in any way. I am merely trying to point out that although he did all these awesome things and God used him so mightily, and God spoke so dramatically to him, Elijah was just a human being like me and YOU. And even though we have feelings and emotions that hinder us or sidetrack us, they do not stop God from using us in the same way as he did Elijah.

It seems that Elijah was running from what God told him to do. God’s question to Elijah, “What are you doing here?’ And then God reiterates the question once He gets Elijah’s attention and Elijah begins to listen to that still small voice. This speaks to me. I know there have been times when things are dry, I mean I cannot seem to hear the still small voice at all. And when I reflect and look back those are times when I know I have not done the last thing God told me to do. If you seem stuck, try to think, and remember, what is the last thing you know for sure that God told you to do. The last thing you had a passion or burden for that you have yet to do. Go and do it. After you do, you will see the revelation begin to flow again. “The day will dawn, and the morning star will rise in your heart” as Peter said. (2 Peter 1:19). This is a visual depiction of how God’s Word, His illumination comes to us.

(An excerpt from my book Hearing God’s Voice Every Day!)