The Highest Power

Admitting I am powerless doesn’t make me weak. It connects me to the Highest Power.
When I draw near to Him, He draws near to me.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God. By that I mean I believed that God existed, He created everything, He was all-powerful, Jesus was His Son and He died on the cross and rose again and was the way to eternal life in heaven. But beyond that I didn’t have a relationship with God. In my thinking God was distant and removed, He didn’t interact in my life on a regular basis, let alone daily. I remember the day that I finally saw more and surrendered my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior. It was amazing. But if I am honest, I didn’t change the way I viewed God. He was still distant and off in the future, He wasn’t here and now. The principles of recovery walked me through a process where I began to see God more intimately involved in my daily life. Developing a personal relationship with Him is what working a recovery program is all about. I saw Him as the One True Higher Power.

It was the admission that I am powerless over my addictions or compulsive behaviors that opened me up to reach out to the fullness of God. When I asked for His power to help and heal me, I began to understand that He wants to transform me. He does so by filling my life with His love, His joy, His hope, and His presence. I learned in Steps 1 and 2 that I needed to turn my attention away from myself and instead turn it toward God. This would be my turning point. This is where healing and freedom began for me. I felt overwhelmed and stranded when I realized that I can’t heal myself. Considering I needed divine help was scary. God is the only one who has the power to replace my chaos with freedom, and I had no idea how He would close that distance.

Of course, He knew long before I did what was needed. That is why He sent Jesus to demonstrate God’s love and power here on earth. He saved me from the grip of sin and the destruction it was bringing into my life. He gave an example of how to live out that relationship with God on a daily basis. He was tempted in every area and in every way that I am, but without failure and without sin. He is not just my higher power. He is the Highest Power, because He has conquered all life can dish out. He did that for me so I could experience freedom and intimacy with Him in my own life. When I acknowledge my own powerlessness, I see His power sustaining me daily no matter what I face.

Today, admitting my powerlessness does not make me feel weak. Instead, it is exactly how I draw strength. When I surrender to God, He does not leave me stranded to face my challenges alone. I am not abandoned. He is present and active in my life. He no longer feels distant. I know He is with me. This happens when I stop resisting Him. It may seem like the opposite of what I should do, but it is simply an act of faith. I am learning that this is what trusting Him looks like. When I give up control and surrender to Him, I receive Him. He is the Highest Power.

Prayer

Lord, I give up control again today. I confess that I cannot heal myself or carry this life alone. Draw me close to You and help me stay close. When I feel weak, remind me that Your strength is enough. Thank You for being the Highest Power in my life. Amen.

Serenity Prayer

A Guided Prayer Meditation

Serenity Prayer is not just words I repeat in meetings. It is more than that. It has become a new way of thinking, practicing surrender, and living my life each day. This is how I practice it in real life. I use the full prayer.

God,

God is the source of my help, not me. I need help from a power greater than me. (Step 1) He is God and I am not.

Grant me the Serenity

I need peace and sanity in my life and I cannot get it by myself or I would already possess it. I am insane. I have crazy thinking. Things either now are or will get chaotic beyond my control.

To accept the things I cannot change.

My challenge is acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. I cannot change things no matter how much I think I might be able to.

The courage to change the things I can,

Change is not easy. It is actually very hard. That is why it takes courage, courage which I do not possess on my own. I need God to give me courage. After I accept whatever it is that I can change, then I need to confront it with God’s help.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I need God’s wisdom to help me know what I have control over and what I do not. The wisdom to know what I need to change and what I cannot change.

Living one day at a time,

It helps me to take things in small chunks. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Confucius. I can do something for a few hours that I would not be able to do if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.

Enjoying one moment at a time;

I need God’s help to enjoy life, to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally stop while I am walking and bend over and smell the flowers. Not just figurative talk. I need to enjoy life and not be so negative.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

I do not like this part of the prayer. I do not want any hardship at all. Ever. But that is unrealistic thinking and it sets me up for future resentments. So I ask God to help me accept hardship and then ask Him to show me a pathway toward peace in the midst of it.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;

This tells me that Jesus practiced acceptance too. He lived and operated in this sinful world and as it was. He did God’s will in the midst of chaos and evil.

Not as I would have it;

He did not insist that everyone do it His way, even though His way was God’s way. He allowed people to make their own choices. He accepted and loved them anyway, even though they did things against God’s will and His plan. I need to release my demand that others live according to my expectations.

Trusting

I ask God to help me trust. Sometimes trusting Him is easy and sometimes trusting Him is very hard. The man in the Bible said, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24). After I learn to trust God, it becomes easier to start trusting others. Something I never did before recovery.

That You will make all things right

I can trust that He cares about me and for me. He is a loving, caring God who will bring good and make wrong things right if I surrender to Him and His will.

If I surrender to Your will;

Surrender is the key. I need to raise the white flag and surrender to God and to His will, holding up both hands in a humble posture.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

Happiness is a choice. Some say happiness is temporary but joy is eternal. I believe I can be reasonably happy, and many times very happy, in this life while still living in lasting joy.

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Nothing gives more peace than knowing my eternal destiny is secure. That at the end of my life here on earth, I will go to heaven and be with Him forever.

AMEN

Amen means so be it. Let it happen. Or as I have heard in meetings, Let it begin with me.

Old Hurts Resurfacing

Assuming Rarely Helps

Finding my part helps me surrender old hurts.

Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders, He’ll carry your load, He’ll help you out.
He’ll never let good people topple into ruin. Psalm 55:22

I had been trying to reach out to a friend because I knew he was going through a tough time. We are not best friends, but we are friendly, and I wanted to encourage him and maybe see if he wanted to grab coffee. I texted him, called him, and left messages, but he never responded, not once. After a while, it hurt. My feelings were hurt, I assumed he was ghosting me. I started wondering if I had done something wrong, if I had offended him somehow, or if he just did not want to be my friend anymore. I couldn’t figure out why he was ignoring me. This was not normal for him. In the past, he had always replied. In my mind, he had received every message and every call and had purposely chosen not to respond.

A couple of weeks later, I ran into another friend who is really close to him. I asked how he was doing and was told he was doing well, and then it was casually mentioned that he had a new phone number. That was it. He never received any of my messages at all. Everything I had assumed had nothing to do with me. And that is often how recovery is for me. Something happens, I get hurt, and my mind immediately fills in the story. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. I feel like I am not good enough. I take something that may not even involve me and turn it into proof that something is wrong with me. I decided to do some writing about this, and I quickly discovered that it was my character defects being stirred. When these old feelings surface, it is almost always my part. It is my thinking. And once I saw that, suddenly everything shifted in my mind. All the meaning I had assigned to the silence fell apart. That is how my thinking works when my character defects start to surface.

Before recovery, I would have kept calling and texting over and over. I would have tracked him down, even at his work, and pressed him for answers. My denial used to convince me that I was simply asking questions, but now I realize they were really accusations. That behavior never brought me peace. It never helped me feel better, only worse. More alienated and distant. Now I have another choice, a different response. I did not broadcast my hurt. I did not act on it. I used the slogan “Let Go And Let God” and I gave it over to the Lord. Even though the hurt was real, it was my issue to confront. I used the tools I have learned here in recovery, and I had peace and didn’t lose a friend. That is the gift of recovery in my life.

Prayer
God, help me to slow down and not jump to conclusions when my feelings get hurt. Show me my part and help me surrender my troubles to You and Your care. Remind me that You will carry me through every time. Amen.

There Is No Recovery Apart From God

He Was There All Along

I resisted recovery because I didn’t think God was in it. I was wrong.

Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

For a long time, I resisted recovery and spoke against it. I did not think God was in it. I believed it was built on humanistic ideology, self-effort, and spiritual language that replaced faith with psychology. Most of what I believed came from my own assumptions and from critics who, like me, had never actually done the work. I had strong opinions without firsthand knowledge. In my mind, choosing recovery meant compromising God. What I did not realize at the time was that I was rejecting something I had never honestly examined.

That changed when I finally read the literature for myself, especially the Big Book. What I found was not ambiguity but clarity. God is not hinted at. He is named. The Big Book explicitly identifies the Higher Power as God and rejects human self-sufficiency without apology. It states that human ideas failed and reliance on God succeeded. It forces the reader to face the proposition that God is everything or He is nothing, and it rejects neutrality altogether. Recovery is presented as dependent on seeking and relying on God, not as a supplement or optional aid. The steps themselves make this unmistakable. God is explicitly named and repeatedly appealed to. There is no recovery apart from God. That is not my conclusion. That is the text’s position.

Over time, I began to see a clear pattern in my own life. When I stayed close to God through prayer, meditation, honest journaling, and active work with my sponsor, I progressed steadily. When I drifted from God, my recovery drifted with me. What became undeniable was this: I would never recover if I did not put God first, not merely include Him. Recovery requires surrender to a Higher Power. The Big Book does not leave that Higher Power vague. It calls Him God. When God is treated as optional or unnamed, recovery tends to stall. When God is sought, healing follows. There is no recovery apart from God.

Prayer
Father God, apart from You I can do nothing. I no longer want to rely on my own ideas or strength. I choose to seek You first and surrender to You fully. Keep me close to You so my recovery and my life remain rooted in You alone. Amen.

A Decision Followed By A Process

Forming New Habits

What God started in me needed action to take root.

Be made new in your hearts and in your thinking. Be that new person who was made to be like God, truly good and pleasing to him. Ephesians 4:23-24

I was reflecting on something I heard my wife say when she was sharing at a meeting. Recovery starts with a decision, but it is followed by a process. As I thought about that, I began to see how clearly it applied to my life. God set me free and delivered me from my addiction, but my behaviors did not automatically change overnight. Those behaviors had become habits, and habits do not disappear just because I had a spiritual awakening. The freedom was real, but I wanted it to be lasting. The process is what makes it stick. The decision is the planting, but doing the work is what allows it to take root. I am learning that lasting change requires a process I stay engaged with, not just a single moment I look back on.

I am realizing that renewing my mind is not a one time event. It is ongoing. It is daily. As I change how I think about situations, people, and myself, my reactions begin to change too. When I look back at times I struggled in my recovery, I can see a clear pattern. I had stepped away from the process. I was free from the substance and the behavior, but my thinking stayed the same. Without renewed thinking, old behaviors find their way back.

Working through the Twelve Steps is the process that proves the decision I made is real and has taken effect. It is the process God uses to renew my mind. The Steps gave me a way to live out that renewal in real life. Step by step, with my sponsor, I began to see myself more honestly. I took inventory of both my strengths and my defects. I faced where I had harmed others and where I was still holding onto resentment. I learned to offer forgiveness and to make amends. As I took those actions, my thinking began to change and continued to stay changed. New thoughts led to new responses, and new responses led to new habits. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, thank You for setting me free. Help me to always stay willing to renew my thinking each day, so that my actions continue to change and I can be the person You want me to be. I do not want to live in the past. I want to live out what You are doing in me today. Amen.

Slowing Down for Today

Surrender is not just about giving God my future. It is also about giving God my today.

Do not be shaped by this world. Instead, be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect. Romans 12:2

I remember the first time I worked the Steps with my sponsor. Yes, I did say first time. I moved through Steps One and Two quickly. Everything was going smoothly. In my mind, Step Three was already done. I had given my life to Christ as a teenager. I attended church regularly. I studied the Bible. I went to Bible college. I was licensed and ordained. I served in churches in many different ministry roles. I wasn’t new to the concept. So, I figured I could check off Step Three and move right on to Step Four. I told my sponsor, “I got this.”

My sponsor did not argue with me. He didn’t challenge my faith or question my sincerity. He simply suggested we slow down and do the work anyway. He said that if I was truly ready, the work would be easy. That surprised me. What I found was that while I had surrendered my life to Christ long ago, I still struggled with surrendering my will in the ways I thought I had. That started to become clear pretty quickly. Step Three took me weeks, while the first two steps had taken only days. I needed that slowdown, even though I did not realize it at the time. I am thankful God gave my sponsor the wisdom to slow me down and humble me.

What I began to see was how much my biblical knowledge had quietly replaced daily surrender. I had grown complacent. I had become confident in what I knew rather than attentive to how I lived. Pride and control showed up subtly. I assumed I had already completed Step Three because of my education and experience. My sponsor saw something I could not see yet, and God used him to interrupt my momentum. That interruption changed everything.

By slowing down and working the Steps in order, without skipping ahead, I learned something that reshaped my relationship with God. Step Three was not just about giving God my future. It was about giving Him my today too. When that shifted, everything else followed. My relationship with God transitioned from performance to grace and complete honesty. That made me ready to begin Step Four, an honest moral inventory.

Prayer
Lord help me to slow down and not rush ahead. I want to do things Your way and in order. Show me Your will for me and help me to carry it out. Amen.

Paul’s Thorn In The Flesh

Paul’s Thorn In The Flesh
In 2 Corinthians 12:7 Paul says that he had a “thorn in the flesh”. A misunderstanding of this phrase and the misinterpretation of this passage has caused much confusion and damage among many sincere believers. Let’s unpack this passage.

What Is A “Thorn In The Flesh”?
The first thing I want to point out is that the term “thorn in the flesh” is a figure of speech. Paul really didn’t have a thorn sticking into his skin. This term was a common expression in the Jewish mind and culture. The people of the time understood what this phrase meant. Today’s equivalent would be the phrase “Pain in the neck”. When a person says, “So and so is a pain in the neck.” They aren’t really saying that person is sticking out of their neck and causing them a physical pain in their neck area. What they are saying, and meaning is that person they are referring to is annoying them or causing them trouble of some kind. Here is the definition of the word “thorn” from the English Dictionary.
Noun
1. thorn – something that causes irritation and annoyance; “he’s a thorn in my flesh”
Irritant – pain in the ass, pain in the neck, bother, botheration, infliction, annoyance, pain – something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness; “washing dishes was a nuisance before we got a dish washer”; “a bit of a bother”; “he’s not a friend, he’s an infliction”
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/a+thorn+in+side
This is the thought that Paul was trying to convey. Something was annoying him and causing him continual trouble. He was not referring to an actual physical pain in his skin or his body.
Here are some other references of this same idiom or figure of speech in the scriptures.

Numbers 33:55
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it shall be that those whom you let remain shall beirritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell.

Joshua 23:13
know for certain that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations from before you. But they shall be snares and traps to you, and scourges on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from this good land which the LORD your God has given you.

Judges 2:3
Therefore I also said, ‘I will not drive them out before you; but they shall be thorns in your side, and their gods shall be a snare to you.’ “

Psalm 38:12
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me; Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction, And plan deception all the day long.

Ezekiel 28:24
“And there shall no longer be a pricking brier or a painful thorn for the house of Israel from among all who are around them, who despise them. Then they shall know that I am the Lord GOD.”

This was a common metaphor used in Jewish culture to indicate troubles or troublesome behavior from your enemy. Every single time it always referenced a person or group of people. And always an enemy. And always an enemy that the people needed to remove, and if the people refused to remove their enemies, then the enemies would be an ongoing problem for them. It never once referred to sickness or disease.

PAUL’S BACKGROUND
Another thing to note on this topic. Paul was a very educated man (Phil 3:5). In addition to him being a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee (Acts 23:6) He sat at the feet of Gamliel and was trained by him (Acts 22:3). Gamaliel was the president of the Great Sanhedrin in Jerusalem. Gamaliel holds a reputation in the Mishnah for being one of the greatest teachers in all the annals of Judaism.A pharisee was a person that was separated and devout to God. He studied the scriptures and committed them to memory. He followed all the laws and traditions faithfully.

QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A PHARISEE
The Jews in Jesus’ day had three levels of education, which was most likely instituted by Ezra after the exile in order to teach the people the Scriptures again. The first level was called ‘Bet Sefer’. At the ages of six through twelve, the Jewish boys and girls would begin their education in the synagogue school, learning how to read and write. The textbook was the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) and the goal was to memorize the sacred text.For a Rabbinic Jew (those that would be asked to be Pharisees), they would also have Oral Torah this is passed from teacher to student, face-to-face, it provides knowledge and methods of interpreting the written text to preserve the semiotics and hermeneutics of the original Torah so that it can be transferred to the next generation without error.The next level was the ‘Bet Midrash’. This was only for the best of the best. I would assume for those who indeed memorized the Torah. This level was from age thirteen to fifteen, where they continued studying and memorizing the entire Tanakh (in other words, the complete Old Testament). Very few were selected for this pursuit.The final level was the ‘Bet Talmud’, which was the longest in duration as it went from the age of 15 to 30. To participate, he must be invited by a Rabbi and, if selected, he would begin a process of grooming that would lead to the potential of becoming a Rabbi at age 30. Those who were chosen were referred to as Talmudic. They would literally follow in the dust of their rabbi – desiring to emulate him in all of his mannerisms. They would eat the same food in exactly the same way as their rabbi. They would go to sleep and awake the same way as their rabbi and, more importantly, they would learn to study Torah and understand God the exact same way as their rabbi.https://deurpost.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/consider-this/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharisees#The_Oral_Torah

Paul knew the scriptures, the Law and the Prophets. He knew the customs, traditions and how to interpret them too. It was Paul’s style in his writing (Paul wrote 2/3 of the New Testament.) to allude to and reference Old Testament passages and customs without necessarily saying “it is written” or quoting the reference. He did it often. Because of this, he was most likely referencing this idiom and these verses in his illustration.

Drive Out The Enemy
The idea and concept that these scriptures repeatedly convey is that if the children of Israel didn’t drive out their enemies completely then they enemies would hang around and be an ongoing torment to the children of Israel. It was not God’s will or plan. God told the children of Israel to drive out their enemies…. but they had to do it. They had to resist. They had to fight.
This is more aligned with the rest of Paul’s teaching and “because of the abundance of revelation” he received. What was the revelation that Paul did receive? It was the revelation of the authority of the believer over the devil. Paul knew that he needed to drive out the enemy. And most likely given this reference- it was something that he had previously failed to do. And this makes even more sense when you look at his comment that he “asked the Lord to remove” the enemy. That is exactly what the children of Israel said. And God told them the same thing. YOU need to drive out the enemy. I will not do it for you. Stop! Pause right now! Go back and read again the verses above one more time and look for these references.
When we read the Bible as a collective whole and not as segments we get the whole picture. Paul was saying I should have dealt the devil, but I didn’t, and I asked God to do it for me. God responded to him, “Hey I gave you the revelation now use it. You resist the devil you take authority over him.”

A Messenger
Paul then continues and says this “thorn in the flesh” was a messenger from satan sent to buffet him. The word messenger is the same Greek word for angel (demons are fallen angels). And this demon was sent from satan, not from God. Remember this phrase always refers to people, specific people too… Always refers to your enemy. ALWAYS!! No Exceptions. So, let’s get that straight.
Paul knowing this was an attack of the enemy- even in his metaphor “thorn in the flesh” carries that meaning. And Paul is the one person who had the revelation of the authority of the believer over all the works of the enemy (satan). He knew that we need to stand firm against the enemy, resist him, take our thoughts captive and be willing to punish all disobedience. (see Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4)

What is Buffeting?
The word buffet means to be beaten, to deal repeated blows with a clenched fist. This word is used 5 times in the New Testament and every time it refers to physical beatings with a clenched fist. Literally getting punched and beat up. This is exactly what we see happened to Paul in 2 Corinthians 11. Paul describes the many repeated blows he was dealt by this messenger of satan. Please STOP here! Go read 2 Corinthians chapter 11 and then continue to chapter 12.
Now that you have read this story in context you will see that Paul is describing one complete thought and message. Paul did not write in chapter and verse. He just wrote a letter. After having read these two chapters together you can see that Paul describes what this “thorn in the flesh” was and how it “buffeted” or beat him. Starting in Verse 22 of chapter 11, Paul specifically mentions stripes– (stripes is a term referring to being scourged. This was a common form of torture and punishment at the time. They scourged Jesus), prisons- (Paul was imprisoned many times for preaching that Jesus was the Messiah) deaths- (Paul was stoned to death, meaning he died, and was raised from the dead by the disciples around him – not the original 12 either Acts 14:19-20). It has been suggested that is how Paul’s wife died. She was present and stoned to death with him on one of these occasions. Five times Paul was scourged with 39 stripes, only 39 because their law said 40 would kill a person. So, 39 stripes was the most you could get before dying. Some however died before reaching 39. Maybe this was another death Paul experienced. Beaten with rods, shipwrecked, lost at sea, robbed by brothers and enemies. He goes on…. the point is that these things that happened to him were the “buffeting” by the messenger of satan that he refers to a few verses later. None of these things Paul mentions came from God. They came from the enemy. And not once in this list does Paul ever mention sickness or disease.

Flee From You

James 4:6-7 tells us that when we humble ourselves to God He gives us grace and this grace that God gives us makes the devil flee from US.

James 4:6-7
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud,But gives grace to the humble.” Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

As we have seen Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 exactly how this thorn in the flesh buffeted him. And this was just before (2 Corinthians 12:1-7) where he mentions the thorn in the flesh. Remember it’s all one thought and is congruous.
Paul says he asked God to make the devil leave him alone. Well, we know that’s never going to happen… we are promised persecution in this life if we stand up for Christ and His gospel. And what Paul mentions is most definitely persecution.

Did Paul Have An Eye Disease?
The idea that Paul had some sort of sickness or “eye disease” is not in scripture. It is a common modern theory and teaching that has evolved and grown since its introduction. The teaching is that when Paul was on the road to Damascus he fell to the ground and was blinded by a great light in Acts 9:4-9, that he developed an eye disease that he never was healed of. The problem or error in this teaching is that verse 9 says he was without sight for only 3 days. Also in verse s 12, 17, 18 it says that Ananias laid his hands on Paul and he was healed and received his sight. God does not “partially” heal and nowhere does it say that Paul was partially healed. This is all speculation. A theory devised to justify a teaching for those that do not believe its Gods will to heal.
Paul preached quite the opposite and even said so in his letter with his own hand. Paul said that the Lord had delivered him out of all of his troubles. (2 Timothy 3:11)
Paul had to do what we have to do. That is once we have a revelation or understanding of something- we will be tested to prove it and the testings come- Jesus said in Mark 4:15 that the devil comes immediately to try and steal our revelation from us.
Paul had the revelation that we as believers have authority over the devil and we need to resist him steadfast in our faith, Paul then had to put into practice what the Lord revealed to him. Paul needed to resist the devil.

Sufficient Grace
Paul also had the revelation of grace. That salvation is by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). It is Gods grace that provides for every need we have (Philippians 4:19) That grace enables us power over all the works of the enemy (Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4)
Jesus said my grace is more than enough to overcome any attacking the devil throws at you- you know his fiery darts. This is what sufficient means – more than enough. Even now my grammar auto correct wants me to change the word sufficient to enough.
Sufficient does not mean NO. It means enough, able to handle the task at hand.
If anything, sufficient means Yes! Absolutely yes. There is a part that we need to do. Walk in faith and speak the word of God, the promises of God and rebuke the devil, stand against and resist him.

Summary
In summary when we look at this story from 2 Corinthians chapters 11 & 12 in context we see that Paul is describing all the persecutions, sufferings and troubles that Paul endured for preaching Christ. They were the result of a messenger of satan- a demon- sent from the devil to beat Paul up and try to dissuade him from continuing. Paul uses the term thorn in the flesh to draw a parallel to his situations to those of the children of Israel. How they refused to utterly defeat their enemies and as a result their enemies remained as snares to them. Paul said he has revelation and that revelation was what he needed to use to deal with his enemies the same way the children of Israel were supposed to do. The inference by the exempla Paul chooses to draw upon is that he somewhere has refused to deal with the enemy and thus the enemy became a snare for him. A “thorn in the flesh”. This was not a sickness or disease, but Paul clearly states in his own words, a demonic angel troubling him through other people. And when Paul asked the Lord to make the demon leave him alone, the Lord told Paul to use the revelation of grace that God had shown him by his faith to resist the demonic entity. For God’s grace is more than enough to make the enemy depart.

Avoiding Drama

Sometimes what I call drama is just something I don’t want to face.

I was really avoiding disappointment

You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.
John 5:39–40

I try to avoid drama at all costs. And I mean drama of any kind. I think most people do. But for me, the problem was this: anything that wasn’t what I wanted, I labeled as drama. Even though I knew that was unrealistic, knowing it didn’t stop me from thinking this way. And the tricky part is I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t conscious. If you had asked me, “Do you have unrealistic expectations?” I would have said no. If you asked, “Do you avoid things you don’t want by calling them drama?” I would have said no. And if you asked if I was in denial, I would have emphatically said, “Absolutely not.”

Why would I answer like this? Because facing disappointment hurts. When things don’t go my way, it often stirs up old painful feelings deep inside me. Feelings like I’m not good enough. Like I can’t do anything right. And I did whatever I could to avoid any feelings tied to rejection and failure. So instead of changing my expectations, I went looking for approval from the wrong people. People who didn’t even have what I was looking for to give. It reminds me of an analogy I’ve heard in meetings. I was going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread, and then getting angry they didn’t sell it. All the while ignoring the people God had already placed in my life who were freely offering the encouragement and approval I was desperate for.

That’s when I think about the story of the man who couldn’t swim stranded on a rooftop during a flood. He prayed for God to save him, but turned down a raft, a boat, and even a helicopter because he was waiting for God to do it his way. When he died and asked God why He didn’t help, God said, “I sent you help three times, you just refused it.” That story hits close to home. This is exactly how I am sometimes. I am looking for help in my way, and being so stuck in my own thinking, I actually miss how God has been trying to help me. I don’t need YOUR help. GOD is going to help me. I spent a lot of time waiting on God to help me my way. When help came through people I didn’t want to hear from, I ignored it. I told myself I was waiting on God, when in reality God was already answering. And when things don’t go the way I want or plan, then I interpret that as me being a failure and I feel rejected.

This is denial in its sneakiest form. Denial is so insidious that while I’m in it, I can’t see it. I can’t even admit I’m in denial, because denial convinces me that I’m not. Denial hides from itself. I can’t see it on my own. I need others to help me see what I’m missing. I can pray, meditate, and read Scripture daily and still miss the truth if my heart isn’t willing to change. God often uses people to point out where it’s still there. Recovery keeps teaching me this: healing and peace comes when I remain willing and open to change instead of spinning in self-deception. Denial wants me blind. God wants me free.

Prayer
Father, keep me willing. Show me when I’m resisting help instead of receiving it. Help me trust that You are already at work, even when it’s not my way. Thank You for helping me be free. Amen.

Only a Symptom

Usually what shows up on the surface isn’t the real issue.

Looking Beneath the Behavior

Be sure you live out the message and do not merely listen to it, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22

I was reading in the Big Book and something jumped out at me: Alcohol is but a symptom. So, we must get down to causes and conditions. It landed pretty hard. Harder than I would have thought. I started to think and ask myself how does this apply to me as a codependent. If alcohol is merely a symptom, what in my life is only a symptom? What am I reacting to? What behaviors keep showing up that I don’t like? What am I doing that is hurting me or others, and do I keep repeating it? Those are the things I need to look closer at. I started asking what those behaviors might be pointing to. What causes and conditions are underneath them?

I realized that is what a Fourth Step inventory is for, and why it is so important. It helps me look honestly at why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel. Those behaviors aren’t random, and they aren’t the real problem. They are patterns rising up from hurt and pain that I never learned how to deal with. I also read that my troubles are mostly of my own making. That tells me my best thinking got me here. I did not cause everything that happened to me or the pain that shaped these behaviors, but it is up to me to do something about them if I want things to change. I need healing and renewal if I want to live and act differently.

That healing and renewal is something only God can do, but I need to ask for His help. I have to humble myself to God, surrender my will to Him, and ask for His guidance to walk me through the process. I also have a part, my part, and that means I have to take action. I am learning that renewal does not happen automatically through awareness alone. It emerges as I walk through the process of working the steps. This shows up as I write honestly, tell the truth to others, and keep listening and being vulnerable.

As I do my part, God does what only He can do. That’s recovery. Because it is in the doing that my transformation and healing become real. Step work helps me see my hurt and pain, it helps me see my part, it helps me surrender to God, it helps me make amends, and it helps me heal. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer
God, thank You for showing me that my behavior is often a symptom of something deeper. Help me look honestly at my patterns and not turn away from what I find. I surrender my will to You today and ask for Your guidance. Give me the courage to do the work that leads to real and lasting change. Amen.

Addicted to Being Right

A fool thinks he is right, but a wise person listens to others. Proverbs 12:15

I had an aha moment after an argument with my wife. Her version of what happened was not accurate. The facts, the details, and even the way she described my motives and inner responses did not line up with what actually occurred. I was being told what I felt, and it was not true. Because of that, I dismissed everything she was saying. I told myself that if the facts were wrong, then her reaction must be her responsibility. I focused on correcting details instead of acknowledging that she was hurt. Once accuracy was in question, I stopped listening to anything else.

As I prayed, journaled, and tried to find my part, I kept coming up empty. That was unusual for me because I am normally able to see it. I even made a list of probable options, which is something I do when I am stuck. The possibilities ranged from extreme to reasonable. Maybe she was completely wrong. Maybe I was missing something obvious. Maybe past trauma was being triggered. Maybe something I said landed harder than I intended. I did recognize one comment I made that was harsh, and I apologized for it immediately. But days later, there was still distance between us, and none of my reasoning fully explained why.

I was doing some step work, and that is when I saw it. I was addicted to being right. That was my part. I was so focused on accuracy or details that I could not be present with her hurt. Being right mattered more to me than trying to understand. I kept looking for my part in the event itself, when my part was actually in how I responded to what she said. Even though I did not do what I was being accused of, my defensiveness and dismissiveness created more distance. The problem was not the facts. The problem was me and how I reacted.

My awareness came by humbling myself to God and following the prescription that recovery offers. That meant I had to stop defending myself and ask God to show me what I could not see. He did. God is faithful that way. It did not come through prayer alone. I had to do something too. I had to put legs to my prayers. I had to write and be honest with myself, and then let that truth sit for a moment. As I did, I began to see how my need to be right had become a form of self-protection and control. My character defects were being triggered, and my insistence on accuracy was just another form of denial. That realization did not excuse my behavior, but it did open the door to change. I cannot always control whether facts are understood, but I am responsible for how I respond. Letting go of my need to be right made room for honesty, connection, and healing.

Prayer

Father God, help me to humble myself and listen to others. Help me hear what they mean, not just the words they are saying. Continue to show me my part in each situation. Give me the courage to change and the power to carry it out. Amen.

Led by Peace

How God Guides Through Peace

For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace…. Isaiah 55:12

A few years back, I found myself in the middle of a job transition with two offers in front of me. One was a government job that promised security, benefits, and long-term stability. The other was a smaller local business with less pay and fewer guarantees. Everything about the government job made more sense on paper. But as I prayed and wrestled with the decision, something inside me would not settle. When I thought about the local job, I had peace and my mind was at rest. When I thought about the other job, my mind was spinning and I felt restless. I could not put it into words, but I knew I was being asked to trust God instead of what made sense, and I knew which decision that meant.

A few months after I accepted the job with the local business, the world shifted. COVID fear spread quickly, and pressure followed close behind it. Vaccine mandates were introduced, and I watched people lose jobs, reputations, friendships, and even family relationships. Government workers were backed into corners and forced to make decisions they never expected to face. The cost was real and personal, not theoretical. Some complied to survive. Others stood their ground and paid a price they did not choose. As I watched all of this unfold, I realized how different my situation could have been. Had I chosen differently, I would have been pressured to get the vaccine or lose my job. Instead, I was not compelled to inject something into my body that went against my conscience. I was able to continue working and remain at peace. That uneasiness and restlessness I felt about the job decision turned out to be God’s unseen protection, leading me long before I knew why.

I saw through that experience that God is leading me and looking out for me even when I am unaware. He cares for me not just about me. When I cannot see down the road and do not know what lies ahead, He does. And He leads me through peace. What I sensed and felt when deciding between the two jobs was peace and confusion. He led me through peace. So when I have peace about something, now I can trust that God is leading in that direction. When I have confusion, I pause and wait on God until I have peace. He never lets me down and His peace always protects me.

Recovery has helped me put practical application to my spiritual journey. My walk with God is no longer abstract or distant. I have learned that surrendering my life and will to the care of God is not a one-time decision. It is something I practice. I pray. I seek His direction. I wait. Recovery has taught me to slow down long enough to notice what is happening inside me. Waiting until I have peace protects me from haste and avoidance. It helps me make decisions with purpose and thought instead of reacting out of fear. I am no longer a victim of chance or circumstance. When I trust God, I trust His direction. And He continues to lead me the same way He always has, through peace. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, thank You for leading me even when I am unaware. Help me slow down and wait for Your peace instead of rushing ahead or forcing outcomes. Lead me today the same way You always have, through peace. Amen.

Drink Not Drunk

Ephesians 5:18 – KJV

And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

The New Testament was originally written in Greek and then has been translated into English for those of us who do not read Greek. So let’s take a look at what this verse originally says in the Greek language.

Drunk – KJV

The word translated as “drunk” in Ephesians 5:18 is Methusko- Strongs #3182. This word is translated as “drunk” in every English translation I have researched with the exception of the J.B. Phillips New Testament which reads “don’t get your stimulus from”. And I think that he is the closest to the actual meaning of this word than all the others. It is quite alarming especially since the word in the Greek is in the Present Tense with the Passive Voice with the Infinitive. What does all that mean? Basically the word is actually Drink – Present tense. When used with the passive infinitive that means “in the process to”-it is inceptive- marking the beginning of the process. So what this one little word actually says in the Greek text is…

Do not begin to drink. With the passive voice it denotes that the process of beginning to drink causes the passive reaction of becoming drunk. The emphasis is on the process.

Excess – KJV

The word translated as “excess” is Asotia – Strongs #811. This word comes from the Greek root word Sozo- which means safety, preservation, deliverance, healing, wholeness, soundness of mind and body plus eternal life. It is usually translated as saved, salvation or healed throughout the New Testament. What is interesting is the placement of the article “a”. this little article means in opposition too. For example even in English if something is “a”-moral that means it is in opposition or against morals. So this word means in opposition to salvation.

But – KJV

The word but here is Strong’s #235 and it signifies a contrast in opposition to the preceding thought or idea just like in English.

Filled – KJV

The word for filled is Pleroo – Strongs # 4137. Now this word is very interesting. It literally means to fulfill. It too is in the Present Tense and is using the Passive voice, except it is an Imperative. That means it is not a suggestion but a command. It is a directive to be accomplished and completed.

Let the spirit fulfill you in direct contrast and opposition to wine. With the use of the passive voice, it denotes that once the decision is made to be fulfilled, it begins the process of being filled.

Spirit – KJV

The word here for spirit is Pnuema – Strongs # 4151. It is translated as spirit and many translations capitalize it indicating it is Holy Spirit. The word literally means “breath”. God has much to say in His Word about breath, but that is for another study. Suffice it to say that when someone has been drinking, whether it is one glass of wine or a single beer or a fifth of whiskey….you CAN smell it on their breath.

The overall meaning of this verse also carries the idea of a see-saw. When one side goes up, the other comes down, and vice versa. The inherent meaning is that when you are in the process of drinking wine you are not in the process of being fulfilled by the spirit. And when you are being fulfilled by the spirit you are not in the process of drinking wine. They are in opposition to each other.

Contrast this with 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8 (NKJV)

6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.

Let’s look at this word “sober”. The bible has much to say about being “sober”.

There are two main Greek words translated “sober” in the New Testament.

The first one is Nepho – Strongs #3525. This word is in the Present Tense Active Subjunctive (which means conditional action). It means free from the influence of intoxicants. My wife has been through Nursing School and told me that the Latin Nephro means having to do with the kidney. Did you know that the kidney cleanses our blood of intoxicants or toxins?

The other Greek word used is sophren – Strongs #4993. This is a compound word. It comes from sozo- our Greek word for Salvation, (so) and phren which means from the mind. It means salvation in our mind or soundness of the mind. Do you know the affect that alcohol has on the mind? Even the smallest drink “alters” our mental faculties from their optimum performance. This is undisputed.

An Overview of Ephesians

In reference to Eph. 5:18, I think it is wise to look at the context of what the writer, Paul, is saying and addressing.

Going back to Eph. 4:1 we see Paul addressing the Ephesians “to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called” He goes on and explains how this will be accomplished and then he says Ephesians 4:14 that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting.

It seems apparent that there was wild doctrine being embraced and some cunning craftiness and trickery of men. Maybe they were trying to justify their non-repentant behaviors and lifestyle?

Ephesians 4:17-24 (NKJV)

17 This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; 19 who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. 20 But you have not so learned Christ, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22 that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

What is he talking about here? That the believers should no longer act like they used to act, but change, put on the new man and renew the mind (repent change of thinking) which was created in righteousness and holiness.

Then he begins to “break it down for them” what he means. This way there is no ambiguity. In verses 4:25, 5:1, 5:7, 5:17, 5:24, 6:10 & 6:13 He begins addressing several specific points and how to “put off the old man” and “put on the new man” in each scenario. The whole overview of chapters 4-6 is about how to walk out the new life and putting on the new man. As he also mention in Galatians not to walk in the flesh but the spirit. This is what Paul is talking about. So when we look at Eph. 5:18 we must remember the context of what Paul is talking about. He is not talking about drinking wine in moderation. The concept of moderation goes contrary to what Jesus said about a little leaven leavening the whole loaf. Moderation is Not a biblical concept it is exactly what Paul warned us about the cunning craftiness of some men’s doctrine to justify their actions and non-repentant lifestyle. If Paul was referring to moderation then it would suffice that he was in each of the points he specifically addressed. If we can apply the same criteria to each point and it is supported by the whole of the Bible, then we need to seriously consider the argument. If that be the case then we must address each of Paul’s issues the same way.

The first one he addresses in Eph. 4:25 is lying. Apparently just getting saved didn’t automatically stop them from lying. They actually had to put that off. Is there moderation in lying? I know that some would say if the ends justify the means or if some good comes out of it or a myriad of other “plausible” excuses. I don’t see that in the whole of scripture. I can’t find any place where God rewarded someone for lying. Or where He didn’t rebuke or correct it. There is no moderation for lying. Strike one on moderation.

Next up is Eph. 5:1. Be imitators of God and walk in love. Apparently again being saved didn’t automatically make them walk in love. They were told to put on the new man. Imitate God and walk in love. Put off fornication, uncleanness and covetousness. This was something they had to do to put off the old man and put on the new man…A change in behavior. Let’s just pick one here fornication…Is there moderation with fornication? Here again some say yes. They reason that you can’t stop people from having sex outside of marriage, it is unreasonable. So as long as they are “in love” it’s ok. However this position is not supported by scripture. It is a humanistic argument that makes sense due to the cunning craftiness of men to justify their actions instead of changing their behavior. Strike two for moderation.

It is interesting that in Eph. 5:17 the verse just before 18 Paul says

Ephesians 5:17 (NKJV)

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

The word here for unwise is (aphron a=opposite / phron=sober mind) the opposite for a root word for “sober” that is translated elsewhere in the bible. And then He tells us CLEARLY understand what the will of the Lord is… Do not drink wine but be filled with the spirit. The whole argument Paul was making going back to the beginning of chapter four is to walk in the spirit. Put off the old man and put on the new man…Which we have in Christ.

Unfortunately we have done just the opposite. We focus on the negative and not the positive. And we make excuses for our behaviors that we do not want to change and repent of. And try to find doctrines to justify our behaviors so we won’t feel guilty for our non-repentant lifestyle. 1 John tells us that if our conscience condemns us we have an advocate with the Father, but if our conscience does not condemn us we have confidence before God. It is our own heart that causes us to feel guilty for the things we do that are not in line with God’s will for us to put off the old man and put on the new.

My final thought is a heart question…

Whatever it is that you do, why do you do it? If it has no power over you and it’s “not a problem”, then why hold onto it? Why not put it off, for love of Him? What could it hurt?

If you honestly ask yourself that question and honestly answer it to yourself and to God. You will have the answer yourself. God loves you enough to sacrifice His most precious and prized thing, His Son. Do you love Him enough to sacrifice your most prized and precious thing? How important is it anyway?

How Recovery Brought Me Back To God

A story of honesty, healing, and rediscovering grace.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

Recovery did not just help me stop self destructive behavior. It helped me rediscover who God really is. The story of how that happened is where this devotional begins.

When I first came into recovery, I was hiding from God. I had known God closely once and never stopped believing in Him, but I wanted nothing to do with church or religion. I did not want to be preached at or told what I should be doing. I felt I had drifted too far away, was now too broken, and too ashamed to face Him again.

I avoided churches of any kind, yet it seemed like most recovery meetings were held in one, and I avoided those too.

Attending my first Christ centered recovery group happened completely by accident. Or did it. I do not believe in coincidences.

I had gone to my regular Friday night meeting, but when I arrived, no one was there. I walked up and down the empty halls of the school, checking classrooms and even interrupting another meeting by mistake. I called everyone I knew, and finally someone told me there was no meeting that night.

I was crushed. I needed a meeting. It had been a rough day, and the thought of being alone that night was unbearable. I was scared.

As I sat there in my car, desperate for connection, I remembered that sign at the church.

Sitting there, uneasy feelings of rejection and being unloved began to surface. I thought about that sign in front of the church that I drove past on my way to my meeting. It seemed to jump out at me that night and catch my attention.

It said Celebrate Recovery. It sounded like a meeting, but it was still in a church, and that did not feel safe. Did I mention I used to attend that church. Yeah. Talk about insult to injury.

Every time I drove past it, I told myself, “That’s not for me.”

But that night something felt different. I did not want to go home, and I did not want to be alone. I knew the meeting was already well underway and probably almost over, but I had enough recovery to know that some meeting was better than no meeting.

So I decided to take a chance.

The sign said it started at seven. I walked in around seven forty five, and the meeting was still going and just breaking into share groups.

This was different. It was a welcome change.

A man named Jeff greeted me like he had been waiting for me to arrive. He asked my name and what brought me there. I was caught off guard. It felt personal to be asked that directly, but as I later learned, that is recovery in action.

I told him I was just looking for a meeting, and he smiled and said, “You found one.”

That night marked the beginning of something I never expected. A renewed connection with God.

He was bringing me back to Him slowly and at my pace, even though I had done everything I could to keep Him at arm’s distance.

I felt like the prodigal son being welcomed home. For the first time in a long time, something inside me stirred. It was hope.

It did not take long for me to realize something was happening that I could not fully explain. I was not just going to meetings anymore. I was starting to open up.

Each time I shared honestly, something inside me loosened.

The walls I had built to protect myself were starting to come down. I began to sense God’s presence again. I started to feel like it might be safe to trust these people.

An experience I had as a teenager convinced me that trusting church people with my struggles and fears was impossible. But the people in recovery did not judge me or preach at me. They listened. They understood. They cared.

In their acceptance, I began to see God’s grace in practice.

Recovery was doing what religion never could. It was teaching me how to be honest, how to trust, how to connect, and how to belong again.

Somewhere in that process, I realized that God had not given up on me. He had been waiting there the whole time for me to humble myself, let go of my resentments, and surrender to His will.

As I followed the suggestion to keep coming back, I noticed these meetings had three parts. There was a time of worship and giving thanks to God, a time of teaching or testimony, and then the share groups.

The share groups were familiar to me from other recovery meetings, so that is where I started. Once I understood the structure, I began arriving just in time for them, and that was okay. No one looked down on me or made me feel different. I was accepted just as I was.

After a while, I started showing up right after the worship so I could hear the teaching on one of the steps or listen to someone share their story. Jeff, the man who greeted me that first night, became my sponsor.

He encouraged me, which is a nice way of saying he told me, that it was time to stop running from God. He invited me to attend the whole meeting, including the worship. I reluctantly agreed. I am so glad I did.

Through those moments of worship, something came alive in me again. God was meeting me where I was and gently leading me home. I started to feel grateful.

I did not realize it at the time, but each small step I took toward honesty, connection, and openness was also a step toward God. I had been running from Him for so long, but through recovery He patiently waited for me to come back.

The verse says, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8.

For years, I thought that meant I had to clean myself up first. What I really had to do was show up. One honest step in His direction. God did the rest.

Looking back now, I can see that recovery did not just bring me healing. It brought me back to God. It brought me home.

My relationship with God is no longer based on performance. It is based on understanding that He accepts me just as I am. I began to see that in the rooms of recovery, and it helped me understand that God accepts me, listens to me, and loves me, imperfections and all.

This devotional was written from that place. From the heart of someone who discovered that healing is not just about recovery, but about relationship. My prayer is that as you read these reflections, you experience the same grace that brought me home

Stopping the Spin

My circumstances didn’t change. Gratitude changed my perspective.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

I was in an automobile accident a while back. I was driving home late one night from umpiring a bunch of baseball games. I was exhausted from the long day in the heat, and I nodded off to sleep. I hit another truck full on from behind. I was physically ok. No injuries or harm to my body, except a small scratch and a bruise on my arm and chest where my seat belt was. I know God was protecting me, because my truck was completely totaled.

For several days after, I kept replaying the event in my mind. I was stuck in a cycle of “woe is me.” What am I going to do now? I kept thinking incessantly about how this would impact me financially. I was spinning for sure. Then suddenly, I was interrupted by a different thought from inside of me. Why don’t you choose to think of good things? Where did that come from? At first, I pushed back. What is good in this situation? Nothing!

Then it hit me. Maybe I needed to choose on purpose to think on different things. This wasn’t going to happen automatically. So I decided to try. In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything good related to the situation at all. So I decided to be thankful for God. He kept me safe. I started to thank God. It would be realistic to say I tried, because it was very hard. Then I had another thought I learned in the rooms of recovery. I can do something for five minutes that would appall me if I thought I had to do it forever. It was very hard in that moment, but I did it anyway. After a few minutes, it got easier, and I was able to regain my thoughts instead of them running wild. I purposed in my heart and mind to do it by choice. Then I had a time of it, and my perspective changed instantly. I have enough recovery and conscious contact with God that all I needed was a tiny spark to ignite me in the right direction. It doesn’t just happen automatically. I have learned that being thankful and making a gratitude list can break me out of this spiraling cycle. It’s not in knowing what to do, but in actually doing it, that I see my freedom.

Prayer
God, show me the good things in my life, especially when things feel unmanageable and my mind starts racing and I feel overwhelmed. Help me slow down and breathe. Give me the courage to choose differently and the strength to act. When I am stuck, remind me that You accept me just as I am. Amen.

When I Am Afraid

Trusting God in the middle of fear.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. Psalm 56:3

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I did not want to admit that I was powerless or that my life was unmanageable. Even the suggestion actually made me angry. My sponsor told me that anger is a secondary emotion and that underneath it there is usually fear. He said fear often shows up when I am afraid of something happening or not happening. If I could identify the fear, it would help me deal with the anger. Even hearing that made me angry. I insisted that I was not afraid and not angry. As a Christian, those emotions felt unacceptable to me. In my mind, fear and anger meant a lack of faith.

What changed me was being confronted with the Scriptures that did not say what I thought they did. David said, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” David did not deny fear. He acknowledged that he had fear and how he dealt with it. Scripture also says, “Be angry, and do not sin.” I had always read that as “Do not ever be angry,” when in reality it was telling me what to do with anger when it shows up. My sponsor also gave me an acrostic for fear: Face Everything And Recover. So I decided to follow the program and the advice of my sponsor. I asked myself an honest question. What am I afraid of?

That question exposed something deeper. I realized I was afraid because I had a core belief that I was not good enough. I spent years, trying so hard to be good enough to be loved and accepted by anyone, that I subconsciously thought I could buy it from God through my good actions and beliefs. But I was deceived by this thought process. I had never been fully honest with myself or with God about my fear. I denied I had fear because of my biblical knowledge. Once I finally admitted that I was afraid and needed help, I asked God to help me. It is amazing how quickly the help came. The fear easily dissipated and the anger I was feeling left with the fear.

My situations and circumstances didn’t change nor did my past, but what did change was I became willing to face what was real instead of denying it. For the first time, I realized that acknowledging fear didn’t dismiss my faith. In fact it made it stronger and I saw that trusting God was the way through fear and anger. The slogan Let Go and Let God took on new meaning for me.

Prayer

Father, help me recognize and not deny when fear shows up in my life. Show me what I am afraid of and why. Teach me to trust You in the middle of fear. I want to bring everything to You and trust in You. Help me let go of control and trust You to lead me through fear. Amen.