Admitting I am powerless doesn’t make me weak. It connects me to the Highest Power. When I draw near to Him, He draws near to me.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.James 4:8
As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God. By that I mean I believed that God existed, He created everything, He was all-powerful, Jesus was His Son and He died on the cross and rose again and was the way to eternal life in heaven. But beyond that I didn’t have a relationship with God. In my thinking God was distant and removed, He didn’t interact in my life on a regular basis, let alone daily. I remember the day that I finally saw more and surrendered my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior. It was amazing. But if I am honest, I didn’t change the way I viewed God. He was still distant and off in the future, He wasn’t here and now. The principles of recovery walked me through a process where I began to see God more intimately involved in my daily life. Developing a personal relationship with Him is what working a recovery program is all about. I saw Him as the One True Higher Power.
It was the admission that I am powerless over my addictions or compulsive behaviors that opened me up to reach out to the fullness of God. When I asked for His power to help and heal me, I began to understand that He wants to transform me. He does so by filling my life with His love, His joy, His hope, and His presence. I learned in Steps 1 and 2 that I needed to turn my attention away from myself and instead turn it toward God. This would be my turning point. This is where healing and freedom began for me. I felt overwhelmed and stranded when I realized that I can’t heal myself. Considering I needed divine help was scary. God is the only one who has the power to replace my chaos with freedom, and I had no idea how He would close that distance.
Of course, He knew long before I did what was needed. That is why He sent Jesus to demonstrate God’s love and power here on earth. He saved me from the grip of sin and the destruction it was bringing into my life. He gave an example of how to live out that relationship with God on a daily basis. He was tempted in every area and in every way that I am, but without failure and without sin. He is not just my higher power. He is the Highest Power, because He has conquered all life can dish out. He did that for me so I could experience freedom and intimacy with Him in my own life. When I acknowledge my own powerlessness, I see His power sustaining me daily no matter what I face.
Today, admitting my powerlessness does not make me feel weak. Instead, it is exactly how I draw strength. When I surrender to God, He does not leave me stranded to face my challenges alone. I am not abandoned. He is present and active in my life. He no longer feels distant. I know He is with me. This happens when I stop resisting Him. It may seem like the opposite of what I should do, but it is simply an act of faith. I am learning that this is what trusting Him looks like. When I give up control and surrender to Him, I receive Him. He is the Highest Power.
Prayer
Lord, I give up control again today. I confess that I cannot heal myself or carry this life alone. Draw me close to You and help me stay close. When I feel weak, remind me that Your strength is enough. Thank You for being the Highest Power in my life. Amen.
The addiction was visible. The character flaws were underneath. Real change began at the root.
Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.Proverbs 4:23
When I first walked through the doors of recovery, I thought I was coming to save my marriage. That was my focus. I was convinced that if things could just change at home, everything would settle down. But by following the suggestion to keep coming back, I began to see something I wasn’t expecting. The problem wasn’t just my marriage. It was me. At the core of my reason for coming were my character flaws. I was wounded and emotionally hurt in ways I had ignored for years, and that pain seeped into every area of my life, causing conflict and hostility in all of my relationships. Once I saw that I needed to work on fixing me instead of everyone else, something shifted. I started to deal with my pain. My issues. My flaws.
Like most of us, I didn’t seek help until something was clearly out of control in my life. Addiction was the obvious problem. It was visible. It was measurable. It was causing damage I could no longer deny. Sometimes others had pointed it out before, but I never listened, even though deep down I knew they were right. I came looking for help in the area that was causing the most pain. But after I had been in recovery for a while, I started to see what had been driving it all along. The addiction was not the root. It was the symptom. The real trouble had been living inside me for years. My people pleasing. My anger. My insecurity. My need to control outcomes. If I did not deal with those things, I would just trade one problem for another. I would stay stuck. The bad news is that I have character flaws. I was a people pleaser. I struggled with control and manipulation. I carried latent anger. At first, I did not recognize any of this. In my heart I wanted to live my life fully committed to God, but ignoring these issues kept me from doing that.
As I continued in recovery, I started to see this wasn’t just my story. The outward problem may look different for each of us, but what sits underneath is often familiar. Addiction may be what is visible, but it rarely begins there. The behaviors show up on the outside, but the roots usually run much deeper, in the character flaws we all carry.
I had to acknowledge these flaws in my own life and offer them to God. No more blaming. No more pretending. I started with the issue causing the most pain, and then I began facing the smaller areas He revealed to me. It wasn’t instant, and it wasn’t easy, but it was honest. The change didn’t come from trying harder. It came from surrender. As I stayed willing and kept bringing these parts of myself to Him, something began to shift inside me. I did my part. He did His. And as He began changing me from the inside out, I found that I could finally live my life fully committed to God, not just in words, but in the way I actually lived. And that has brought me peace and happiness that remains to this day.
Prayer
Father, show me what is underneath. Help me stop blaming and start surrendering. Give me the courage to face my flaws and trust You to change me from the inside out. Amen.
Serenity Prayer is not just words I repeat in meetings. It is more than that. It has become a new way of thinking, practicing surrender, and living my life each day. This is how I practice it in real life. I use the full prayer.
God,
God is the source of my help, not me. I need help from a power greater than me. (Step 1) He is God and I am not.
Grant me the Serenity
I need peace and sanity in my life and I cannot get it by myself or I would already possess it. I am insane. I have crazy thinking. Things either now are or will get chaotic beyond my control.
To accept the things I cannot change.
My challenge is acceptance. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. I cannot change things no matter how much I think I might be able to.
The courage to change the things I can,
Change is not easy. It is actually very hard. That is why it takes courage, courage which I do not possess on my own. I need God to give me courage. After I accept whatever it is that I can change, then I need to confront it with God’s help.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I need God’s wisdom to help me know what I have control over and what I do not. The wisdom to know what I need to change and what I cannot change.
Living one day at a time,
It helps me to take things in small chunks. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Confucius. I can do something for a few hours that I would not be able to do if I thought I had to do it for the rest of my life.
Enjoying one moment at a time;
I need God’s help to enjoy life, to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally stop while I am walking and bend over and smell the flowers. Not just figurative talk. I need to enjoy life and not be so negative.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
I do not like this part of the prayer. I do not want any hardship at all. Ever. But that is unrealistic thinking and it sets me up for future resentments. So I ask God to help me accept hardship and then ask Him to show me a pathway toward peace in the midst of it.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;
This tells me that Jesus practiced acceptance too. He lived and operated in this sinful world and as it was. He did God’s will in the midst of chaos and evil.
Not as I would have it;
He did not insist that everyone do it His way, even though His way was God’s way. He allowed people to make their own choices. He accepted and loved them anyway, even though they did things against God’s will and His plan. I need to release my demand that others live according to my expectations.
Trusting
I ask God to help me trust. Sometimes trusting Him is easy and sometimes trusting Him is very hard. The man in the Bible said, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24). After I learn to trust God, it becomes easier to start trusting others. Something I never did before recovery.
That You will make all things right
I can trust that He cares about me and for me. He is a loving, caring God who will bring good and make wrong things right if I surrender to Him and His will.
If I surrender to Your will;
Surrender is the key. I need to raise the white flag and surrender to God and to His will, holding up both hands in a humble posture.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
Happiness is a choice. Some say happiness is temporary but joy is eternal. I believe I can be reasonably happy, and many times very happy, in this life while still living in lasting joy.
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Nothing gives more peace than knowing my eternal destiny is secure. That at the end of my life here on earth, I will go to heaven and be with Him forever.
AMEN
Amen means so be it. Let it happen. Or as I have heard in meetings, Let it begin with me.
Recovery works when I stop trying to customize my own program and start trusting His path.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5–6
Recovery is not an a-la-carte program. In meetings, I have often heard, “Take what you like and leave the rest,” or the saying about being as smart as an old cow, eating the hay and spitting out the sticks. Those sayings are helpful when it comes to personalities and opinions, but they were never meant to apply to the Twelve Steps themselves. I do not get to pick which steps or principles I will follow and which ones I will ignore. If I want the freedom and healing recovery promises, I have to follow the program the way it was designed, not the shortcut version I create to fit what I think is best. My best thinking will most often gravitate to something that doesn’t challenge me or require me to change.
When I start choosing how I will work my own recovery, instead of the one encouraged by my sponsor, I start to get squirrelly. My feelings start running my life. I may convince myself that it is wisdom, but it is really just another form of control. I learned early on that successful recovery stands on three pillars. These are simple, but non-negotiable practices: working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings regularly, and serving others. And yes, that means a human sponsor and meetings plural. Together they create the structure that helps me remain honest and continue to grow.
I might attend meetings but avoid doing step work. I might try to do step work without meetings. I might tell myself that God is my sponsor, so I do not have to be accountable to anyone else. I might skip steps, rush through them, or rearrange them to suit my preferences. Each time I do this, I am quietly saying that I know better than those who walked this path before me. That kind of pride produces limited results, slow growth, and repeated cycles or even relapse. I end up repeating the same mistakes and being forced to learn the same lessons because I refuse to walk the proven path that works. The one that has stood the test of time.
I have learned that recovery without God leaves me empty, and faith without practicing the steps leaves me unchanged. Real recovery happens when I invite God into every part of the process and use the tools He has already provided. Surrender is not just believing in God, it is trusting Him enough to follow the full solution. It is giving in and humbling myself not just to God but to the pillars of recovery. I cannot do it “My Way”. I did that before recovery. I need to do it His Way. To humble myself, accept the recovery solution and act on it. When I stop trying to force recovery based on my own understanding and stop managing the process, I can finally experience the freedom I was looking for, and the healing the program promises.
Reflection Where am I still trying to control my recovery instead of fully surrendering to the program?
Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders, He’ll carry your load, He’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin.Psalm 55:22
I had been trying to reach out to a friend because I knew he was going through a tough time. We are not best friends, but we are friendly, and I wanted to encourage him and maybe see if he wanted to grab coffee. I texted him, called him, and left messages, but he never responded, not once. After a while, it hurt. My feelings were hurt, I assumed he was ghosting me. I started wondering if I had done something wrong, if I had offended him somehow, or if he just did not want to be my friend anymore. I couldn’t figure out why he was ignoring me. This was not normal for him. In the past, he had always replied. In my mind, he had received every message and every call and had purposely chosen not to respond.
A couple of weeks later, I ran into another friend who is really close to him. I asked how he was doing and was told he was doing well, and then it was casually mentioned that he had a new phone number. That was it. He never received any of my messages at all. Everything I had assumed had nothing to do with me. And that is often how recovery is for me. Something happens, I get hurt, and my mind immediately fills in the story. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. I feel like I am not good enough. I take something that may not even involve me and turn it into proof that something is wrong with me. I decided to do some writing about this, and I quickly discovered that it was my character defects being stirred. When these old feelings surface, it is almost always my part. It is my thinking. And once I saw that, suddenly everything shifted in my mind. All the meaning I had assigned to the silence fell apart. That is how my thinking works when my character defects start to surface.
Before recovery, I would have kept calling and texting over and over. I would have tracked him down, even at his work, and pressed him for answers. My denial used to convince me that I was simply asking questions, but now I realize they were really accusations. That behavior never brought me peace. It never helped me feel better, only worse. More alienated and distant. Now I have another choice, a different response. I did not broadcast my hurt. I did not act on it. I used the slogan “Let Go And Let God” and I gave it over to the Lord. Even though the hurt was real, it was my issue to confront. I used the tools I have learned here in recovery, and I had peace and didn’t lose a friend. That is the gift of recovery in my life.
Prayer God, help me to slow down and not jump to conclusions when my feelings get hurt. Show me my part and help me surrender my troubles to You and Your care. Remind me that You will carry me through every time. Amen.
I resisted recovery because I didn’t think God was in it. I was wrong.
Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5
For a long time, I resisted recovery and spoke against it. I did not think God was in it. I believed it was built on humanistic ideology, self-effort, and spiritual language that replaced faith with psychology. Most of what I believed came from my own assumptions and from critics who, like me, had never actually done the work. I had strong opinions without firsthand knowledge. In my mind, choosing recovery meant compromising God. What I did not realize at the time was that I was rejecting something I had never honestly examined.
That changed when I finally read the literature for myself, especially the Big Book. What I found was not ambiguity but clarity. God is not hinted at. He is named. The Big Book explicitly identifies the Higher Power as God and rejects human self-sufficiency without apology. It states that human ideas failed and reliance on God succeeded. It forces the reader to face the proposition that God is everything or He is nothing, and it rejects neutrality altogether. Recovery is presented as dependent on seeking and relying on God, not as a supplement or optional aid. The steps themselves make this unmistakable. God is explicitly named and repeatedly appealed to. There is no recovery apart from God. That is not my conclusion. That is the text’s position.
Over time, I began to see a clear pattern in my own life. When I stayed close to God through prayer, meditation, honest journaling, and active work with my sponsor, I progressed steadily. When I drifted from God, my recovery drifted with me. What became undeniable was this: I would never recover if I did not put God first, not merely include Him. Recovery requires surrender to a Higher Power. The Big Book does not leave that Higher Power vague. It calls Him God. When God is treated as optional or unnamed, recovery tends to stall. When God is sought, healing follows. There is no recovery apart from God.
Prayer Father God, apart from You I can do nothing. I no longer want to rely on my own ideas or strength. I choose to seek You first and surrender to You fully. Keep me close to You so my recovery and my life remain rooted in You alone. Amen.
My thoughts lied to me again… and God met me with truth, not shame.
He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and reveal the motives of people’s hearts.1 Corinthians 4:5
Last week at work a couple people requested vacation time, and I felt that little resentful reaction start to rise up in me. I want vacation too. It’s one of the benefits of my job, and it grows every year, which I really appreciate. My sponsor always reminds me to ask myself, “What’s my part?” and when I finally stopped to ask myself that, my thinking started to shift. I moved from “Why don’t I ever get vacation?” to “Why don’t I ever ask for it?” That was the moment I had to get honest with myself. I’m not a victim here. I’m the one who never asks for time off. I rarely request vacation unless it’s for an appointment or some obligation. So I used an old recovery tool and did a 4th step inventory on it. I sat and really thought about it. I prayed and asked God to show me. And I asked myself why I don’t ever ask to take the vacation time I’m given.
At first I only came up with the easy surface answers. Do I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility? No. That’s just pride pretending to be responsibility. Do I think I’m more important than I really am? Maybe. Then I stopped and asked myself, what am I actually feeling? I started noticing ideas like “What would they do if I wasn’t here?” or “Who is going to fix the problems that come up?” And that’s when fear showed up. I thought, “What if something needs to be done and I’m not there to do it?” I had convinced myself that my boss would be disappointed in me. Then the real fear hit me: “If they don’t need me, someone else could do my job. They might realize they don’t need me at all.” It brings up the old feelings that I’m replaceable, not wanted, and unloved. Underneath it all was the same familiar fear of rejection and fear of abandonment, pointing me right back to that old belief that I’m not good enough. It’s crazy thinking, I know, but don’t think at me like that. Step 2 says you’re insane too.
I’m grateful for recovery tools that help me slow down and notice when old thought patterns or uncomfortable feelings start to surface. I remind myself to ask questions like “What button is being pushed?” and “Which character defect is showing up?” After I answer these questions, I usually identify what’s going on and then deal with it. When I own that this is my issue, not anyone else’s, I begin to shift my perspective. The truth is the company survived many years before I got there, and it would survive without me there. As important as I like to think I am, they would figure it out. Once I saw that fear sat underneath the resentment, it became easier to surrender it to God and let it go. Then I made a decision to do the next right thing: ask for vacation and trust God with the outcome. And guess what? My request was granted, and I rested on my vacation without worrying about work or what might fall apart without me there to fix it. And I felt a solid peace inside because I know I handled it in a healthy way.
Prayer: Father, thank You for showing me what was hidden under my resentment. Thank You for bringing the real motives of my heart into the light so I could see what I was afraid to face. Help me keep noticing the fears that try to run my thinking. Help me stay honest, willing, and surrendered. Give me the courage to take healthy steps, trust You with the outcome, and rest in the peace You give. Amen.
What God started in me needed action to take root.
Be made new in your hearts and in your thinking.Be that new person who was made to be like God, truly good and pleasing to him.Ephesians 4:23-24
I was reflecting on something I heard my wife say when she was sharing at a meeting. Recovery starts with a decision, but it is followed by a process. As I thought about that, I began to see how clearly it applied to my life. God set me free and delivered me from my addiction, but my behaviors did not automatically change overnight. Those behaviors had become habits, and habits do not disappear just because I had a spiritual awakening. The freedom was real, but I wanted it to be lasting. The process is what makes it stick. The decision is the planting, but doing the work is what allows it to take root. I am learning that lasting change requires a process I stay engaged with, not just a single moment I look back on.
I am realizing that renewing my mind is not a one time event. It is ongoing. It is daily. As I change how I think about situations, people, and myself, my reactions begin to change too. When I look back at times I struggled in my recovery, I can see a clear pattern. I had stepped away from the process. I was free from the substance and the behavior, but my thinking stayed the same. Without renewed thinking, old behaviors find their way back.
Working through the Twelve Steps is the process that proves the decision I made is real and has taken effect. It is the process God uses to renew my mind. The Steps gave me a way to live out that renewal in real life. Step by step, with my sponsor, I began to see myself more honestly. I took inventory of both my strengths and my defects. I faced where I had harmed others and where I was still holding onto resentment. I learned to offer forgiveness and to make amends. As I took those actions, my thinking began to change and continued to stay changed. New thoughts led to new responses, and new responses led to new habits. That is the gift of recovery for me.
Prayer God, thank You for setting me free. Help me to always stay willing to renew my thinking each day, so that my actions continue to change and I can be the person You want me to be. I do not want to live in the past. I want to live out what You are doing in me today. Amen.
Surrender is not just about giving God my future. It is also about giving God my today.
Do not be shaped by this world. Instead, be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect.Romans 12:2
I remember the first time I worked the Steps with my sponsor. Yes, I did say first time. I moved through Steps One and Two quickly. Everything was going smoothly. In my mind, Step Three was already done. I had given my life to Christ as a teenager. I attended church regularly. I studied the Bible. I went to Bible college. I was licensed and ordained. I served in churches in many different ministry roles. I wasn’t new to the concept. So, I figured I could check off Step Three and move right on to Step Four. I told my sponsor, “I got this.”
My sponsor did not argue with me. He didn’t challenge my faith or question my sincerity. He simply suggested we slow down and do the work anyway. He said that if I was truly ready, the work would be easy. That surprised me. What I found was that while I had surrendered my life to Christ long ago, I still struggled with surrendering my will in the ways I thought I had. That started to become clear pretty quickly. Step Three took me weeks, while the first two steps had taken only days. I needed that slowdown, even though I did not realize it at the time. I am thankful God gave my sponsor the wisdom to slow me down and humble me.
What I began to see was how much my biblical knowledge had quietly replaced daily surrender. I had grown complacent. I had become confident in what I knew rather than attentive to how I lived. Pride and control showed up subtly. I assumed I had already completed Step Three because of my education and experience. My sponsor saw something I could not see yet, and God used him to interrupt my momentum. That interruption changed everything.
By slowing down and working the Steps in order, without skipping ahead, I learned something that reshaped my relationship with God. Step Three was not just about giving God my future. It was about giving Him my today too. When that shifted, everything else followed. My relationship with God transitioned from performance to grace and complete honesty. That made me ready to begin Step Four, an honest moral inventory.
Prayer Lord help me to slow down and not rush ahead. I want to do things Your way and in order. Show me Your will for me and help me to carry it out. Amen.
We can’t become tired of doing good. At the right time we will harvest a crop if we don’t give up, or quit.Galatians 6:9
I was watching the movie A League of Their Own. There is a scene that hit me hard. It’s when Dottie is ready to walk away and quit. She tells Jimmy, “It just got too hard.” The pressure, the sacrifice, and the pain finally were too much. Jimmy responds, “It is supposed to be hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. It is the hard that makes it great.”
I was thinking how that line represents my life in recovery. Working the steps is not easy. Facing the past is painful. Surrendering control feels scary. Admitting my weakness and making amends are humbling. If my own past efforts would have worked, I would not have stayed stuck in addiction for so long. The principles of recovery ask me to face the very things I spent years avoiding, and that is exactly why it’s so hard.
I’m learning recovery is about surrender and honesty. To admit I’m powerless, to face the truth about my life, make amends, and turn my will and life over to God daily. This work is not just about being clean only, it’s about transformation. None of that comes naturally to me. It requires humility. It requires trusting God in places where I used to rely on myself, often through control, pride, or escape. When I feel weak, I am reminded that I am not doing this in my own strength. God meets me in the hard places and gives me what I need for today.
When step work feels exhausting or too hard and I think of quitting, I call my sponsor. Like that coach in the movie, he encourages me that this work doesn’t just feel or seem hard, it indeed is hard. If this was easy work everyone would do it. If I keep on going and do not quit when things get hard, I will experience the promises of recovery in my life. Peace, freedom, happiness, contentment, and connection all start to show up, and that is what makes recovery great.
Prayer God, let me feel Your strength when things get hard. Help me to keep on going. I don’t always feel strong or hopeful, but I don’t want to give up. Help me keep doing the work even when I don’t feel like it. Give me courage to keep going. Amen.
Paul’s Thorn In The Flesh In 2 Corinthians 12:7 Paul says that he had a “thorn in the flesh”. A misunderstanding of this phrase and the misinterpretation of this passage has caused much confusion and damage among many sincere believers. Let’s unpack this passage.
What Is A “Thorn In The Flesh”? The first thing I want to point out is that the term “thorn in the flesh” is a figure of speech. Paul really didn’t have a thorn sticking into his skin. This term was a common expression in the Jewish mind and culture. The people of the time understood what this phrase meant. Today’s equivalent would be the phrase “Pain in the neck”. When a person says, “So and so is a pain in the neck.” They aren’t really saying that person is sticking out of their neck and causing them a physical pain in their neck area. What they are saying, and meaning is that person they are referring to is annoying them or causing them trouble of some kind. Here is the definition of the word “thorn” from the English Dictionary. Noun 1. thorn – something that causes irritation and annoyance; “he’s a thorn in my flesh” Irritant – pain in the ass, pain in the neck, bother, botheration, infliction, annoyance, pain – something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness; “washing dishes was a nuisance before we got a dish washer”; “a bit of a bother”; “he’s not a friend, he’s an infliction” https://www.thefreedictionary.com/a+thorn+in+side This is the thought that Paul was trying to convey. Something was annoying him and causing him continual trouble. He was not referring to an actual physical pain in his skin or his body. Here are some other references of this same idiom or figure of speech in the scriptures.
Numbers 33:55 But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it shall be that those whom you let remain shall beirritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell.
Joshua 23:13 know for certain that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations from before you. But they shall be snares and traps to you, and scourges on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from this good land which the LORD your God has given you.
Judges 2:3 Therefore I also said, ‘I will not drive them out before you; but they shall be thorns in your side, and their gods shall be a snare to you.’ “
Psalm 38:12 Those also who seek my life lay snares for me; Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction, And plan deception all the day long.
Ezekiel 28:24 “And there shall no longer be a pricking brier or a painful thorn for the house of Israel from among all who are around them, who despise them. Then they shall know that I am the Lord GOD.”
This was a common metaphor used in Jewish culture to indicate troubles or troublesome behavior from your enemy. Every single time it always referenced a person or group of people. And always an enemy. And always an enemy that the people needed to remove, and if the people refused to remove their enemies, then the enemies would be an ongoing problem for them. It never once referred to sickness or disease.
PAUL’S BACKGROUND Another thing to note on this topic. Paul was a very educated man (Phil 3:5). In addition to him being a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee (Acts 23:6) He sat at the feet of Gamliel and was trained by him (Acts 22:3). Gamaliel was the president of the Great Sanhedrin in Jerusalem. Gamaliel holds a reputation in the Mishnah for being one of the greatest teachers in all the annals of Judaism.A pharisee was a person that was separated and devout to God. He studied the scriptures and committed them to memory. He followed all the laws and traditions faithfully.
QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A PHARISEE The Jews in Jesus’ day had three levels of education, which was most likely instituted by Ezra after the exile in order to teach the people the Scriptures again. The first level was called ‘Bet Sefer’. At the ages of six through twelve, the Jewish boys and girls would begin their education in the synagogue school, learning how to read and write. The textbook was the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) and the goal was to memorize the sacred text.For a Rabbinic Jew (those that would be asked to be Pharisees), they would also have Oral Torah this is passed from teacher to student, face-to-face, it provides knowledge and methods of interpreting the written text to preserve the semiotics and hermeneutics of the original Torah so that it can be transferred to the next generation without error.The next level was the ‘Bet Midrash’. This was only for the best of the best. I would assume for those who indeed memorized the Torah. This level was from age thirteen to fifteen, where they continued studying and memorizing the entire Tanakh (in other words, the complete Old Testament). Very few were selected for this pursuit.The final level was the ‘Bet Talmud’, which was the longest in duration as it went from the age of 15 to 30. To participate, he must be invited by a Rabbi and, if selected, he would begin a process of grooming that would lead to the potential of becoming a Rabbi at age 30. Those who were chosen were referred to as Talmudic. They would literally follow in the dust of their rabbi – desiring to emulate him in all of his mannerisms. They would eat the same food in exactly the same way as their rabbi. They would go to sleep and awake the same way as their rabbi and, more importantly, they would learn to study Torah and understand God the exact same way as their rabbi.https://deurpost.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/consider-this/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharisees#The_Oral_Torah
Paul knew the scriptures, the Law and the Prophets. He knew the customs, traditions and how to interpret them too. It was Paul’s style in his writing (Paul wrote 2/3 of the New Testament.) to allude to and reference Old Testament passages and customs without necessarily saying “it is written” or quoting the reference. He did it often. Because of this, he was most likely referencing this idiom and these verses in his illustration.
Drive Out The Enemy The idea and concept that these scriptures repeatedly convey is that if the children of Israel didn’t drive out their enemies completely then they enemies would hang around and be an ongoing torment to the children of Israel. It was not God’s will or plan. God told the children of Israel to drive out their enemies…. but they had to do it. They had to resist. They had to fight. This is more aligned with the rest of Paul’s teaching and “because of the abundance of revelation” he received. What was the revelation that Paul did receive? It was the revelation of the authority of the believer over the devil. Paul knew that he needed to drive out the enemy. And most likely given this reference- it was something that he had previously failed to do. And this makes even more sense when you look at his comment that he “asked the Lord to remove” the enemy. That is exactly what the children of Israel said. And God told them the same thing. YOU need to drive out the enemy. I will not do it for you. Stop! Pause right now! Go back and read again the verses above one more time and look for these references. When we read the Bible as a collective whole and not as segments we get the whole picture. Paul was saying I should have dealt the devil, but I didn’t, and I asked God to do it for me. God responded to him, “Hey I gave you the revelation now use it. You resist the devil you take authority over him.”
A Messenger Paul then continues and says this “thorn in the flesh” was a messenger from satan sent to buffet him. The word messenger is the same Greek word for angel (demons are fallen angels). And this demon was sent from satan, not from God. Remember this phrase always refers to people, specific people too… Always refers to your enemy. ALWAYS!! No Exceptions. So, let’s get that straight. Paul knowing this was an attack of the enemy- even in his metaphor “thorn in the flesh” carries that meaning. And Paul is the one person who had the revelation of the authority of the believer over all the works of the enemy (satan). He knew that we need to stand firm against the enemy, resist him, take our thoughts captive and be willing to punish all disobedience. (see Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4)
What is Buffeting? The word buffet means to be beaten, to deal repeated blows with a clenched fist. This word is used 5 times in the New Testament and every time it refers to physical beatings with a clenched fist. Literally getting punched and beat up. This is exactly what we see happened to Paul in 2 Corinthians 11. Paul describes the many repeated blows he was dealt by this messenger of satan. Please STOP here! Go read 2 Corinthians chapter 11 and then continue to chapter 12. Now that you have read this story in context you will see that Paul is describing one complete thought and message. Paul did not write in chapter and verse. He just wrote a letter. After having read these two chapters together you can see that Paul describes what this “thorn in the flesh” was and how it “buffeted” or beat him. Starting in Verse 22 of chapter 11, Paul specifically mentions stripes– (stripes is a term referring to being scourged. This was a common form of torture and punishment at the time. They scourged Jesus), prisons- (Paul was imprisoned many times for preaching that Jesus was the Messiah) deaths- (Paul was stoned to death, meaning he died, and was raised from the dead by the disciples around him – not the original 12 either Acts 14:19-20). It has been suggested that is how Paul’s wife died. She was present and stoned to death with him on one of these occasions. Five times Paul was scourged with 39 stripes, only 39 because their law said 40 would kill a person. So, 39 stripes was the most you could get before dying. Some however died before reaching 39. Maybe this was another death Paul experienced. Beaten with rods, shipwrecked, lost at sea, robbed by brothers and enemies. He goes on…. the point is that these things that happened to him were the “buffeting” by the messenger of satan that he refers to a few verses later. None of these things Paul mentions came from God. They came from the enemy. And not once in this list does Paul ever mention sickness or disease.
Flee From You
James 4:6-7 tells us that when we humble ourselves to God He gives us grace and this grace that God gives us makes the devil flee from US.
James 4:6-7 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud,But gives grace to the humble.” Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
As we have seen Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 exactly how this thorn in the flesh buffeted him. And this was just before (2 Corinthians 12:1-7) where he mentions the thorn in the flesh. Remember it’s all one thought and is congruous. Paul says he asked God to make the devil leave him alone. Well, we know that’s never going to happen… we are promised persecution in this life if we stand up for Christ and His gospel. And what Paul mentions is most definitely persecution.
Did Paul Have An Eye Disease? The idea that Paul had some sort of sickness or “eye disease” is not in scripture. It is a common modern theory and teaching that has evolved and grown since its introduction. The teaching is that when Paul was on the road to Damascus he fell to the ground and was blinded by a great light in Acts 9:4-9, that he developed an eye disease that he never was healed of. The problem or error in this teaching is that verse 9 says he was without sight for only 3 days. Also in verse s 12, 17, 18 it says that Ananias laid his hands on Paul and he was healed and received his sight. God does not “partially” heal and nowhere does it say that Paul was partially healed. This is all speculation. A theory devised to justify a teaching for those that do not believe its Gods will to heal. Paul preached quite the opposite and even said so in his letter with his own hand. Paul said that the Lord had delivered him out of all of his troubles. (2 Timothy 3:11) Paul had to do what we have to do. That is once we have a revelation or understanding of something- we will be tested to prove it and the testings come- Jesus said in Mark 4:15 that the devil comes immediately to try and steal our revelation from us. Paul had the revelation that we as believers have authority over the devil and we need to resist him steadfast in our faith, Paul then had to put into practice what the Lord revealed to him. Paul needed to resist the devil.
Sufficient Grace Paul also had the revelation of grace. That salvation is by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). It is Gods grace that provides for every need we have (Philippians 4:19) That grace enables us power over all the works of the enemy (Eph 6:11-12, 2 Cor 10:3-5, 2 Cor 2:11, Eph 1:19-21, Eph 3:20, Col 1:13, Gal 1:4) Jesus said my grace is more than enough to overcome any attacking the devil throws at you- you know his fiery darts. This is what sufficient means – more than enough. Even now my grammar auto correct wants me to change the word sufficient to enough. Sufficient does not mean NO. It means enough, able to handle the task at hand. If anything, sufficient means Yes! Absolutely yes. There is a part that we need to do. Walk in faith and speak the word of God, the promises of God and rebuke the devil, stand against and resist him.
Summary In summary when we look at this story from 2 Corinthians chapters 11 & 12 in context we see that Paul is describing all the persecutions, sufferings and troubles that Paul endured for preaching Christ. They were the result of a messenger of satan- a demon- sent from the devil to beat Paul up and try to dissuade him from continuing. Paul uses the term thorn in the flesh to draw a parallel to his situations to those of the children of Israel. How they refused to utterly defeat their enemies and as a result their enemies remained as snares to them. Paul said he has revelation and that revelation was what he needed to use to deal with his enemies the same way the children of Israel were supposed to do. The inference by the exempla Paul chooses to draw upon is that he somewhere has refused to deal with the enemy and thus the enemy became a snare for him. A “thorn in the flesh”. This was not a sickness or disease, but Paul clearly states in his own words, a demonic angel troubling him through other people. And when Paul asked the Lord to make the demon leave him alone, the Lord told Paul to use the revelation of grace that God had shown him by his faith to resist the demonic entity. For God’s grace is more than enough to make the enemy depart.
What irritates me often reveals more about me than them.
Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.Romans 12:3
I was driving to work the other day. I was cruising along with the cruise control on. Everything was fine. Then someone cut right in front of me into my lane, going about fifteen miles slower than I was. They did not ease in. They cut me off and I had to slam on my brakes so I would not hit them. I put my blinker on, went around them, and as I passed, I looked over and gave them “the look.”
After I passed them, I realized that I had just mean mugged the driver. I felt that familiar nudge from God to look inward. A self-examination moment. Why did I look at them? What was I hoping to accomplish with that look? I already got around them. I was no longer in danger. So what was that about? As I reflected on it for a few minutes, the honest answer was uncomfortable. I wanted them to feel small. I wanted them to know they were wrong. And when I stayed with that thought process a bit longer, I had to admit something deeper. In that moment, I thought I was better than them. I wanted to correct them. I was upset that I wasn’t in control over their driving. I wasn’t just irritated. I thought my time mattered more than theirs. Like I was entitled to the road. That’s an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Pride. A familiar character defect for me. That realization was hard to accept initially, but it was true.
Before recovery, I would not have even seen this. I most likely would have escalated it. I might have given “the look” and added a one-handed sign language to go with it, you know what I mean.
I have learned tools that help me. Like a spot check inventory. To ask myself why I do what I do in the moment. So that maybe next time I will be able to make a different choice. For today I will celebrate my progress and be thankful that I didn’t escalate things. And even more grateful that I was able to be aware of my behavior on my own without anyone else telling me. I’m glad that by seeking God’s will, He brings things like this to my attention. I am grateful that I am able to apply Step 10 to my daily life. To pause, look inward, and be honest with myself much sooner. Doing that helps me to let it go instead of carrying it with me all day.
Reflection Where in my day do small reactions reveal something bigger going on inside me?
Sometimes what I call drama is just something I don’t want to face.
I was really avoiding disappointment
You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life. John 5:39–40
I try to avoid drama at all costs. And I mean drama of any kind. I think most people do. But for me, the problem was this: anything that wasn’t what I wanted, I labeled as drama. Even though I knew that was unrealistic, knowing it didn’t stop me from thinking this way. And the tricky part is I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t conscious. If you had asked me, “Do you have unrealistic expectations?” I would have said no. If you asked, “Do you avoid things you don’t want by calling them drama?” I would have said no. And if you asked if I was in denial, I would have emphatically said, “Absolutely not.”
Why would I answer like this? Because facing disappointment hurts. When things don’t go my way, it often stirs up old painful feelings deep inside me. Feelings like I’m not good enough. Like I can’t do anything right. And I did whatever I could to avoid any feelings tied to rejection and failure. So instead of changing my expectations, I went looking for approval from the wrong people. People who didn’t even have what I was looking for to give. It reminds me of an analogy I’ve heard in meetings. I was going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread, and then getting angry they didn’t sell it. All the while ignoring the people God had already placed in my life who were freely offering the encouragement and approval I was desperate for.
That’s when I think about the story of the man who couldn’t swim stranded on a rooftop during a flood. He prayed for God to save him, but turned down a raft, a boat, and even a helicopter because he was waiting for God to do it his way. When he died and asked God why He didn’t help, God said, “I sent you help three times, you just refused it.” That story hits close to home. This is exactly how I am sometimes. I am looking for help in my way, and being so stuck in my own thinking, I actually miss how God has been trying to help me. I don’t need YOUR help. GOD is going to help me. I spent a lot of time waiting on God to help me my way. When help came through people I didn’t want to hear from, I ignored it. I told myself I was waiting on God, when in reality God was already answering. And when things don’t go the way I want or plan, then I interpret that as me being a failure and I feel rejected.
This is denial in its sneakiest form. Denial is so insidious that while I’m in it, I can’t see it. I can’t even admit I’m in denial, because denial convinces me that I’m not. Denial hides from itself. I can’t see it on my own. I need others to help me see what I’m missing. I can pray, meditate, and read Scripture daily and still miss the truth if my heart isn’t willing to change. God often uses people to point out where it’s still there. Recovery keeps teaching me this: healing and peace comes when I remain willing and open to change instead of spinning in self-deception. Denial wants me blind. God wants me free.
Prayer Father, keep me willing. Show me when I’m resisting help instead of receiving it. Help me trust that You are already at work, even when it’s not my way. Thank You for helping me be free. Amen.
Usually what shows up on the surface isn’t the real issue.
Looking Beneath the Behavior
Be sure you live out the message and do not merely listen to it, deceiving yourselves. James 1:22
I was reading in the Big Book and something jumped out at me: Alcohol is but a symptom. So, we must get down to causes and conditions. It landed pretty hard. Harder than I would have thought. I started to think and ask myself how does this apply to me as a codependent. If alcohol is merely a symptom, what in my life is only a symptom? What am I reacting to? What behaviors keep showing up that I don’t like? What am I doing that is hurting me or others, and do I keep repeating it? Those are the things I need to look closer at. I started asking what those behaviors might be pointing to. What causes and conditions are underneath them?
I realized that is what a Fourth Step inventory is for, and why it is so important. It helps me look honestly at why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel. Those behaviors aren’t random, and they aren’t the real problem. They are patterns rising up from hurt and pain that I never learned how to deal with. I also read that my troubles are mostly of my own making. That tells me my best thinking got me here. I did not cause everything that happened to me or the pain that shaped these behaviors, but it is up to me to do something about them if I want things to change. I need healing and renewal if I want to live and act differently.
That healing and renewal is something only God can do, but I need to ask for His help. I have to humble myself to God, surrender my will to Him, and ask for His guidance to walk me through the process. I also have a part, my part, and that means I have to take action. I am learning that renewal does not happen automatically through awareness alone. It emerges as I walk through the process of working the steps. This shows up as I write honestly, tell the truth to others, and keep listening and being vulnerable.
As I do my part, God does what only He can do. That’s recovery. Because it is in the doing that my transformation and healing become real. Step work helps me see my hurt and pain, it helps me see my part, it helps me surrender to God, it helps me make amends, and it helps me heal. That is the gift of recovery to me.
Prayer God, thank You for showing me that my behavior is often a symptom of something deeper. Help me look honestly at my patterns and not turn away from what I find. I surrender my will to You today and ask for Your guidance. Give me the courage to do the work that leads to real and lasting change. Amen.
I used humor as a wall of protection, but it also kept me from being close with people. Recovery is teaching me to open up, be honest, and let God heal me from the inside out.
Surely you desire truth in the inward parts.Psalm 51:6
I was sitting in a doctor’s office recently, uncomfortable before the appointment even started. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t like the reason I was there. And almost without thinking, I started joking. I made light comments. When they asked to verify my name and date of birth, I said Abraham Lincoln February 16, 1861. I made jokes about images on the wall in the room. I never said I was actually funny. I attempted to use humor the way I always have. It helped me feel less exposed, less powerless. If I could make someone laugh it could at least lighten the mood. Maybe I felt like I had some control over the situation when I really didn’t have any. I was definitely feeling powerless. I can remember growing up, always using humor when I was afraid. As an adult, I now recognize it as one of my defense mechanisms. When I feel unsure, scared, or overwhelmed, I try to be funny. I often feel something, but I don’t always know what I’m feeling. For a long time, the only feelings I could name were good or bad. In those moments, sometimes all I can identify is that I just know that I feel uncomfortable.
On my drive home, I started thinking about the visit and what was discussed and also how I behaved. I noticed I was joking with the nurses and assistants, but not with the doctor. It got me thinking about why I behaved differently. I started to see that this wasn’t just humor. It was sarcasm. I had to ask myself why. What I came up with was that I was trying to protect myself because I was scared. How could sarcasm protect me. Sarcasm has been a way of life for me. Sarcastically, I will say sarcasm is a second language to me. It shows up in my speech, my body language, my texting, even my writing. For a long time, I thought this was just my personality. Several years ago, a supervisor mentioned in an evaluation that I came across as sarcastic. It caught me off guard. It was direct, honest, and hard to argue with, even though neither of us could point to a specific moment or comment. It was more of an overall impression. That was the problem. Many of my remarks were not meant to offend, but they landed as dismissive and arrogant. And even when that wasn’t what I felt inside, it was what others experienced from me.
I realized I didn’t really understand what sarcasm was. So I decided to look it up. What I found out surprised me. Although sarcasm is often lumped in with humor, it wasn’t the same thing. And I saw myself in the descriptions of a person using it to defend and protect themselves. For me, it showed up most around my emotions and big decisions, when I didn’t know what to do and unconsciously tried to protect myself.
I am learning that when I use sarcasm, I am not being honest about how I feel. My sponsor calls this emotional dishonesty. Sarcasm may have helped me feel protected before, but it also kept people at a distance. Sarcasm comes across in a way that I don’t intend or feel toward others. This has led to many people in my life misunderstanding me. Sarcasm has pushed people I care about away before they had the chance to know me. These are not the qualities I want to be identified by. They belong to my old life. I am learning to slow down and pay attention when I am attempting to cover fear or discomfort. I am starting to see sarcasm for what it really is for me. Not just a habit. Not just a personality trait. But a character defect that I can surrender to God and allow Him to keep changing from the inside out.
Prayer Father, thank You for showing me what I could not see. Help me to be honest with myself and notice when I am using sarcasm to avoid fear instead of facing it. Please keep changing me to be more like You from the inside out. Amen.
Ed Schultz | Writing & Ministry 