I Cannot Tell His Story

Peace Through Perspective

I can’t tell his story. But I can change mine.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

What I knew about my dad was that he was a master sergeant in the Marines. He trained paratroopers. He was injured on a jump when one of the lines sliced him, leaving a scar across his abdomen. Although he never identified himself as an alcoholic, I know he drank a lot, and when he drank, he got drunk. And when he was drunk, he was often mean and violent. That’s what I experienced growing up. There were times when he wasn’t like that. But there were many times when he was. He was estranged from his biological children, and I believe he carried resentment from that into our home. For most of my life, that’s the story I told myself about him.

As I’ve gone through recovery, I’ve started to see how much of that experience shaped me. He demanded things be done right. Not just done, but done perfectly. I remember washing his diesel truck and missing a few spots on the grill. He inspected my work and instead of having me fix that one area, I had to wash the entire rig again. Hours of work, over something small. The same thing happened with mowing the lawn. It had to be cross cut, then diagonal cut. It had to be done a certain way, and if it wasn’t right, I had to start over. That mindset stayed with me. I learned to strive for perfection. I learned that getting it wrong meant starting over. And while that shows up today in doing things well, it also shows up as pressure and an impossible standard I can’t always meet. I have learned those were unrealistic expectations.

After I got into recovery and started working through the steps my sponsor pointed out something I didn’t want to see or admit. He said that I seemed to have a hatred for my dad. I denied it. I was a Christian and I didn’t have hate in my heart for anybody. But as I worked through the steps, I found that there was hatred in my heart for him. My sponsor suggested I do a fourth step just on my dad. So I did. It was a very long fourth step. It took me months.

In doing that, I realized something that changed everything for me. I cannot tell my dad’s story. Outside of what I experienced, I knew very little about him. That helped me begin to see him as a person instead of a monster. I’m not excusing what he did. But when I started to understand there was more to him than what I saw, I began to develop compassion for him. I just wish I had come to that place before he passed.

Recovery has given me a way to make amends to him even though he’s no longer here. I make a living amends by changing how I live. By letting go of the resentment. By choosing to see the good in him and not defining him by his struggle with alcohol. By accepting him as my dad, the man who raised me. Most of my life I called him my stepdad. I kept that distance. Today, I call him my dad. I love him for who he was, not what I wished him to be. And there is a peace in that I can’t fully explain. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, help me to be honest about what’s in my heart. Give me the courage and strength to let go of the resentments and pain I’ve carried, and help me offer forgiveness instead. Thank You for the healing and peace that comes with that. Amen.

I Was Really Fighting Myself

I wasn’t being attacked spiritually. I was being triggered. That changed my perspective.

We demolish arguments and every proud thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

I recently had someone do something mean and hurtful to me. It hurt very much and I was angry as well as hurt. I began to process that. Then Ephesians 6:12 came to mind. I am not wrestling against flesh and blood, but wicked spiritual forces. My first instinct was familiar. I told myself, My problem is not with this person but with the spiritual forces influencing them. I began to pray the way I had many times before, praying for this person to be free from the evil spirits causing them to act that way. I was sincere. I wanted relief. I wanted justice. Mostly, I wanted the pain to stop.

In the middle of that prayer, a sudden and different thought interrupted me. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because it was calm, clear, simple and it brought peace. Instead of binding the spirit governing him, why not bind the spirit governing you? I resisted that at first. I wasn’t the one who caused the hurt. I wasn’t the one acting out. Then I was made aware. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one offended. I was the one angry. My thinking was being influenced, affecting my emotions and my behaviors.

I saw recovery here. I wasn’t being attacked. I was being triggered. My buttons were being pushed. I was reacting, rehearsing the offense, and letting resentment take up space in my mind. I finally saw it. I had been trying to control someone else instead of practicing self-control. I was asking God to change someone else’s behavior instead of asking Him to change mine. I have learned in recovery that I can have peace in the midst of chaos. I don’t have to succumb to hurt, anger and resentment. I can give them over to God and allow peace and love fill its place. This is about me and my core issues.

I see spiritual warfare differently now. Instead of praying that God will change someone else, I pray that God will help me see what I can do to change the way I’m thinking. I ask Him to help me forgive and walk in love so I don’t hold onto grudges or resentments. That’s where recovery shows up for me. I do step work to keep me from staying hurt, angry, or resentful. This is what spiritual warfare looks like in real life. It’s using self-control instead of control. It’s spiritual recovery in action.

Prayer
God, help me when I am hurt to get control of my thoughts. Show me what needs to change in me so I don’t become angry or resentful. Reveal to me my part and give me wisdom to know how to change. I ask for Your strength to walk in love and to forgive. Amen.

Leaving Resentment Behind

God Met Me When I Faced the Truth.

The Lord is close to those who call out to Him, listening closely, especially when they call out to Him in truth. Psalm 145:18

I didn’t realize how quietly resentment can grow until I found myself carrying it everywhere I went. I believed without question that God had called me into ministry. I felt a pull toward Indiana and I prayed and sought God about it for two years. I felt led toward a city I had never seen, and eventually moved my entire family there on nothing but faith and obedience. I felt certain I was doing exactly what God wanted. But when the money ran out, when the pressure grew, and when I saw the deterioration in my family, something inside me buckled. I ultimately turned the church over to someone else and packed up to head back to California. I felt like a failure as a pastor, as a husband and father, and as a man. I never told anyone how deeply that wounded me. But I did feel it. And that silent hurt slowly turned into resentment.

The resentment didn’t start out being apparent. It started as hidden discouragement and disappointment. An obscured Why, God? that I tried to ignore. I told myself I was fine. I told myself I was moving forward. But underneath all that pretending, I was angry. Angry at myself for not being enough. Angry the support ended. Angry at God for letting me step out in faith only to fall flat on my face. I never stopped believing in Him, but I stopped trusting Him. I stopped talking about ministry, stopped admitting what I felt, and stopped letting myself dream. My outward life looked functional, but inside I was hurting, confused, and bitter. Resentment isn’t always perceptible. Sometimes it is veiled and lingers. And I didn’t realize how heavy it had become until it started affecting everything in my life.

What I finally learned is that God can’t heal what I keep hidden. I’ve found that resentment loses its power the moment I bring it into the light. It cannot survive honesty. It cannot survive humility. That is how I found freedom in steps four and five. Once I became willing to forgive, by practicing steps eight and nine, it wasn’t long after, that gratitude filled the void where resentment once lived. And steps ten and eleven help me to keep future resentments from creeping in again. This spiritual alignment keeps me focused on me and my relationship with God, which in turn helps me be at peace with others.

Prayer:
Father thank You for receiving me when I turned to You. Thank You for the steps of recovery that helped put my faith in action. I trust You to care for me. Help me to stay willing to make amends and forgive. Keep me from allowing resentments to come back in again. I love You, teach me to love others with the way You have shown love to me. Amen.