Breaking the Spiral

From Spinning to Stepping

When I start spinning in fear, the next right step breaks the spiral.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. Psalm 56:3

I have an online store and recently someone wanted to return an item that they were not happy with. So I approved the return fully intent on giving a refund. But after I got the notification that the item arrived, I did not open the package from the mail. I did not go on and issue the refund. Then I noticed I had received other new orders, and I did not even look at those orders because I did not want to look at the refund. I have three orders that need to be shipped out, but I have not done them for several days. Now I’m stuck thinking that it’s too late. I can’t do it now because I didn’t do it in the beginning. That thinking brings up an old familiar feeling I had often before recovery. If I didn’t deal with something in the moment, when it happened, I believed I could never come back and correct it or make it right. I was stuck on stupid.

I don’t know why I did that. And it bothered me. Why am I so stubborn? Why do I procrastinate and put things off? Even when things are not difficult, somehow when I get it stuck in my mind that I don’t want to do it, I will not change my mind. I know that is old behavior, and I can see it is just another form of control manifesting. I know that sometimes I avoid doing something, even something innocuous, because of the fear of something bad or unpleasant being revealed. I don’t ever want bad news, and so I find I will avoid anything that could potentially reveal it, even if the thing itself is not bad news. I have enough recovery to know I need to pray and ask God for help and also to write about it. If that doesn’t work, then I call my sponsor.

So, that is exactly what I did and here’s what I found out. I began with questions. I asked myself, why am I not filling the new orders? What am I afraid of? I realized I am afraid that because I haven’t shipped the order yet, the person may cancel it. I am afraid that I may not have all of the items in stock and the order would need to be canceled anyway. I probably do have the items in stock, but for whatever reason I haven’t even looked. I’m afraid that if I go look, they won’t be there. Then I asked myself, why is that affecting me? If I have to cancel the order, I have to give another refund. That is money I don’t want to give out. It’s only about $80, but because money is tight right now, it makes me feel embarrassed that I don’t make more money on my job. I don’t make more money as a person or as a man. And then I feel like I am not good enough. It’s the same thing I always discover whenever I write. I have a part and it’s usually tied to me feeling less than. I’m reminded of a saying I’ve heard before… I can’t think my way into better action, but I could act my way into better thinking.

Once I realized that it was my issue, I prayed and gave it over to God. Then I put legs to my prayers. I opened my online store, issued the refund, processed the new orders and shipped them out. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Immediately the anxiety lifted and I felt lighter. It may not seem like a big deal, but when I get stuck spinning in my head, it’s really hard to break that cycle. Working the steps of recovery and using the tools I have learned helped me break free from that spiral. I’m very grateful for that. That is the gift of recovery to me.

Prayer

Father, help me trust You and take the next right step when I start spinning. Thank You for the freedom that comes when I seek You first and then take action. Amen.

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Why “Should” Keeps Me Stuck

So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I was meeting with my sponsor over coffee. I was sharing with him some of my thoughts and plans when he picked up on something I said and got a pensive look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “You need to stop shoulding on yourself and get the should out of your vocabulary.” That startled me. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was saying or why it was important. I remember thinking, how would I ever get anything accomplished without “should”? That little word had quietly run my life for such a long time, and I hadn’t even realized how much power it had. It sounded responsible, even spiritual. I should be further along. I should handle this better. I shouldn’t still be struggling with this. What was wrong with that? My sponsor continued, “Should implies judgment.” When you use it, you’re judging everyone involved, including yourself.

I was confused. To me, those thoughts felt like motivation and good goal setting. But when I paused and took a look at them, I saw something different. “Should” was not helping me. It kept me stuck in defensiveness. It became another explanation for why I never faced my problems. I thought I “should,” but I never took real action. I confused the thought with actual change. Without fully realizing it, it left me feeling like a failure. I was shoulding on myself. I was comparing myself to an imaginary version of who I thought I “should” be instead of being honest about who I really was. It was just another layer of denial. Recovery is showing me that “should” isn’t an asset in my life. It’s an illusion of control that soothes my ego rather than seeing myself how I really am. Thinking that I never measure up feeds into shame and eventually turns into resentment.

My sponsor’s observation led me to do some writing and step work. I started to see how “should” kept me from being honest. That internal conflict leaked out of me in the form of being disagreeable. I was either defending myself, accusing someone else, or quietly blaming God for my situation. “Should” gave me something to think about instead of something to do. In recovery, I’m learning that I can’t think my way into change but I can act my way into better behaviors. When I’m willing to look at my part, without excuses, I finally step out of defensiveness. That honesty opens the door for me to rebuild my life.

Letting go of “should” has helped me stop lying to myself. When I stop telling myself how things should be, I can finally see how things really are, how I really am. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding. Recovery is teaching me that I don’t have to change everything at once, I just have to deal with what’s right in front of me. When I stay honest about where I am and take the next right step, I feel better about who I am and where I am. That’s how recovery works for me. I show up, tell the truth, and do the work that’s in front of me today. I trust the outcome to God.

Prayer

Father, help me stop shoulding on myself. Show me where I’m judging instead of being honest. Give me the courage to take the next right step and trust You with the outcome. Thank You for meeting me with grace, not condemnation. Amen.

Feeling Not Enough

Why I Reacted the Way I Did

However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never, never reject them.
John 6:37

We have some pretty big health concerns in our family right now, and the insurance we can afford is not the best for some of the things we need. That had never really bothered me before. But hearing what my family needs and realizing certain things were not covered hit something deep inside me. My mind immediately went to money. We don’t have better insurance because I don’t make enough. And right behind that came something even heavier. If I don’t make enough, then I’m not good enough. I have no value. No purpose. In that moment, what I felt was small, weak and hurt. Just like I did when I was a kid.

It only took a few minutes for me to examine my reaction and notice what was really happening, but unfortunately not before I spouted off in my agitation and said something hurtful to my wife. “I’m sorry we don’t have better insurance and I don’t make enough money.” And then I walked away. I knew I was over-reacting, but needed to figure out why. So, I started to write about it and I saw it right away. What I was really feeling had nothing to do with money or insurance. It was much deeper than that. It was the I am not good enough character defect that had surfaced again. And with it came the fear of rejection and abandonment. What I uncovered was the feeling deep inside me that if I’m not good enough, then I won’t be wanted. If I can’t provide what’s needed, then I’ll be left. And eventually, I’ll be alone. This wasn’t a conscious thought; it was lying dormant deep inside me. And it is what set me off. I was feeling less than and insecure, and I didn’t even realize it at the time.

That’s the story fear tries to convince me of if I allow it and don’t examine my reactions and motives. After writing about it, I was able to identify it, I apologized to my wife and humbled myself and shared my realization. She hugged me deeply, said thank you and assured me she loved me no matter what. I felt accepted and valued.

What I’m grateful for today is that I can identify this stuff and put it in its proper place. I can ask myself, why am I bothered, and tell the truth about what I’m feeling. I no longer carry unresolved feelings around for years. I can clean up what I say and own my part much sooner than I ever could before. Before recovery, I never would have examined my feelings and reactions. And I would never notice what I was really feeling and let it turn into resentment that I continually lived in. Now I feel it, name it, and let it go. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, show me what’s behind my reactions, especially when they are not warranted. Remind me that You never reject me and that I am accepted and loved by You. Help me to be open and honest with others so I can see how I am loved and accepted by them too. Amen.