Quietly Asking Without Asking

I was about to create a test for someone they didn’t even know they were taking.

But each one must carefully scrutinize and examine his own actions, attitudes, and behavior, and then he can have the personal satisfaction and inner joy of doing something commendable without comparing himself to another. Galatians 6:4

I miss my grown children. We live in different states now, and I would really like to stay more connected with them. Usually every Monday I send them a text and ask how things are going. How is the family? Did you do anything over the weekend? Anything new going on? They usually respond. Our exchanges are very nice, but most of the time I am the one who initiates them. I wish I heard from them more often without being the one to reach out first. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes I wonder if things I did before recovery damaged our relationship. I know I made mistakes, and I know I cannot go back and change the past. I have made significant changes in my life and in the way I interact with people, especially my family. I am still not perfect, nowhere near it, but I have changed a lot. Even so, that doesn’t stop me from wondering if things would be different today if I had been different then.

This week I was getting ready to send my usual text when another thought came into my head. I’m not going to text them this time. I’m going to wait and see how long it takes for them to contact me. Almost as soon as the thought processed through my brain and into my conscious thinking, I recognized it. That was manipulation. That was the old me. I wasn’t simply deciding not to text them. I was setting up a test for them to take. One they didn’t even know they were taking. If they contacted me, I would feel wanted. If they didn’t, I would interpret their silence as proof that they didn’t care about our relationship as much as I did. What I was really going to do was try to get something from them without ever asking for it. I don’t want to live that way anymore. So I sent the text.

The truth is, I text my children because I love them. I text them because I miss them and because staying connected with them matters to me. I would love for them to initiate more often, and I am not going to pretend it doesn’t hurt when they don’t. Recovery doesn’t require me to deny how I feel. But it does help me identify and accept my true feelings. And it reminds me that I can choose how I act, but I have no control over how they do. I sent a text message just because I wanted to talk with them. I was not expecting anything in return. For me, that was doing the next right thing. When I do what I know is right and leave the outcome up to God, I have peace within myself and peace with God. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection: Have I ever expected something from someone without asking for it, then quietly tested them to see if they would give it to me anyway?