Jumping to Conclusions

When Assumption Become Facts

I did not know what happened. I just decided I did.

The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him. Proverbs 18:17

I have this little cloth that I put over my laptop keyboard before I close it. It keeps the oils and dirt from the keyboard from transferring onto the screen. I use my laptop every day to write, so I take especially good care of it, including that little cloth. The other night when I was shutting my laptop down to put it away, I could not find the cloth. I looked everywhere for it but could not find it. I thought for a brief minute that maybe I misplaced it, but immediately I thought, No. I always put my stuff away. So I assumed maybe the cat took it and thought it was a toy. The next morning I still could not find it. I asked my wife if she had seen it and told her I thought the cat took it. She said she hadn’t seen it, but I could have hers. I did not want hers. I wanted mine. And if I am honest, I wanted to complain about the cat taking my cloth. I had convinced myself that was what happened.

At lunchtime, when I was at work, I pulled out my laptop to do some writing. I was sitting at my desk, looked to the right, and there it was. My keyboard cloth was sitting right there in front of me. It had been there the whole time. The cat had not taken it. I had left it at work. I was glad I had found it, but then it started bothering me. Not because the cloth was a big deal. It only cost a couple dollars. What bothered me was how quickly I had made an assumption and blamed my cat. Why did I do that? Why wasn’t my first thought that I lost it or misplaced it? Actually, that thought did cross my mind, but I dismissed it immediately because I always take care of my stuff and I always put my important things away. And typically, I do. But this time I didn’t. Then I remembered that I was interrupted at lunch the day before. I had to handle a situation right away and I closed my laptop and put it away hastily.

I started thinking about how often I did that before recovery. I made assumptions. I jumped to conclusions. I decided why people did things or what they meant, and I was usually wrong. Apparently I still do it, even after years of recovery. This is where inventory helps. It forces me to look for my part instead of immediately trusting my assumptions. It doesn’t always come from a deep-seated hurt or wound from my past. Sometimes it is real simple. I had decided it could not be me, so I looked somewhere else. I did not know what happened to it. I assumed the cat took it, and then I started reacting to my assumption as if it were true. Recovery gives me another choice. I can stop, find my part, and admit when I simply do not know. That is a huge step for me. Accepting that I do not have all the answers.

And by the way, I came clean. I told my wife I found the cloth at work and I did make amends to my cat.

Reflection

What am I not seeing? What am assuming without really knowing?

Only Joking

Hidden Motives

Just because someone else says they’re fine doesn’t mean there is nothing in me to examine.

A man’s conscience is the Lord’s searchlight exposing his hidden motives. Proverbs 20:27

A friend of mine plays in the adult softball league I umpire. We are not especially close, but I would like to become better friends. During a game, there was a play where he was clearly safe and I called him out just to mess with him. I was joking around. Everybody knew I was joking, and I talked to him afterward. We were fine. But driving home after the game, I still felt bad about it. I kept thinking, Why did I do that? I thought about just dismissing it by telling myself I was only joking, but something about it bothered me enough that I knew I needed to dig a little deeper.

As I thought about it, I recognized it as an old behavior. Sarcasm and joking around at somebody else’s expense used to be normal for me. I also realized that the players are always joking with each other, teasing each other, and having fun together. Part of me wanted to be included in that. I wanted to be “one of the guys.” I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be cool. I wanted my friend to like me more. The problem is, I wasn’t one of the players. I was the umpire, and my responsibility was to be professional and make the right call. The answer may simply be that I didn’t think. I relied on old instincts. I wanted connection, and instead of letting friendship develop naturally, I tried to force it.

The next morning I called my friend and apologized. He started laughing. He told me he thought the whole thing was hilarious and that I had nothing to worry about. That reassured me that our relationship was fine, but it did not remove my need to look at my motives. He was fine. I wasn’t.

This is one of the ways working the principles of recovery helps me. Instead of ignoring it when something is bothering me and I feel uneasy, I pause. I take inventory. I ask myself certain questions. What did I do? What was my part? Why did I do it? My honest answers to these questions almost always uncover the solution. Usually, it begins with me admitting to myself when my behavior does not line up with the person I want to be. If I have hurt someone, I make amends. Inventory and amends are not dependent on whether another person is upset with me. They are about me dealing with what is going on inside of me. When I do that, peace and calm replace the uneasiness. I then ask God to help me change and to show me how to avoid repeating that behavior. Sometimes the answers and the solution present themselves right away. Other times, they unfold as I continue to seek God and His will for me.

Working the steps and applying the principles to my life help me to be at peace with God and with myself. I no longer have to strive to be accepted or fit in. When I slip, like I did the other night, I don’t have to beat myself up over it. As I keep looking at myself, I will keep growing and keep becoming the person I truly want to be. That is progress. That is growth. And even though I say it so often that it may sound cliché, I truly mean it: this is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Lord, help me to listen to my conscience when You are trying to speak to me and show me the things I need to change. Amen.

Huge Little Thing

Sometimes it’s the little things show me just how much I have changed.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Alcoholics Anonymous, The Promises

The other night I showed up to umpire a game unprepared. I did not have the right uniform with me. I umpire for several different organizations, and each one has its own uniform requirements. I asked the league representative if I could work the game with the uniform I brought with me, hoping they would say yes. Instead, they asked if I had enough time to go home and change. Sadly, I did. So, I went home, changed my uniform, came back, and worked the game.

I have to admit I wasn’t especially pleased with the outcome of that conversation. It definitely was not what I wanted to do. However, I was cognizant of how differently I handled the situation than I would have in the past. I was upfront and honest. I did not try to lie or hide the fact that I was unprepared. I was vulnerable. I made my request known, and when I did not get the answer I wanted, I did not get upset. I didn’t try to manipulate or control to get my way. I accepted the answer they gave me and worked the game. Yes, I was embarrassed that I showed up unprepared. But because I did the right thing, the embarrassment slipped away. I showed up and did my job without an attitude. I maintained my emotional sobriety, and my disappointment didn’t leak onto anyone else either. And when the game was over, I had no resentments.

I felt proud of myself for the way I approached the situation. And deep down I sensed God was proud of me too. I was able to let it go. I did not dwell on it or play it over and over in my head. And that was a great gift. These little things that come up in my everyday life are huge for me because I know how I used to respond in the past. What stood out to me most was that it was not a challenge. It was not a battle. It was not something I vacillated on, and it was not a difficult decision. It wasn’t even a decision. I am so grateful for that.

Working through the steps of recovery has changed me from the inside. My responses are different. My thought process is different. My emotions are different. I am different. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

What little things in my life show me that I am responding differently than I used to?

Why So Much?

Taking a Closer Look

I’m realizing that I really do find what I’m looking for.

Let us look closely at our ways and examine them and then return to the LORD. Lamentations 3:40

The other day I was wondering why I always seem to have so much material to write about recovery. Almost every day I discover another lesson, another character defect, another attitude that God wants to change in me. My first thought wasn’t very encouraging. Maybe I’m still more messed up than I realize. Maybe my life is still full of turmoil. Why do I always seem to have so much material? I paused and meditated on it for a little while. I was surprised by the answer. It was pretty simple: Because I’m looking for it. At first that seemed obvious. I look for things in my everyday life that might become object lessons. But I realized there was something else going on. In my heart, I am genuinely looking for ways I can improve myself.

When I look back at the situations I’ve written about, most of them aren’t current trauma or turmoil. They’re ordinary things that happen in my everyday life. A conversation, a mistake, a disappointment, somebody’s reaction, or my own. But sometimes those ordinary situations trigger thoughts and emotions connected to trauma or turmoil from my past. Working my recovery program has helped me connect the two and recognize the cause and effect. Instead of beating myself up for what I’m feeling or how I’m thinking, I ask, Why am I feeling this way? If I can connect it to a character defect, then I surrender it to God and ask for His help. That helps me let it go. I find I’m making more discoveries and more adjustments in the moment. I don’t make as many of the same mistakes as I used to. And just as important, I don’t owe as many amends either.

It’s like I’ve developed a radar that detects things I never looked for before. That radar calls my attention to something while I still have an opportunity to address it, sometimes before it ever becomes a problem. I can keep the focus on me and remember that I’m the one who needs to change me. If I don’t like the way I’m feeling, I’m the one who needs to change my emotions. If my thinking is taking me somewhere I don’t want to go, I’m the one who needs to change the way I think. That’s not always as easy to do as it is to say, but the process itself is pretty simple. I look honestly at myself. I take an inventory. I look for my part. I admit my part. I own my part. Then I ask God to show me how to change.

God never lets me down. He always comes through with His part. And if I’m honest, most of the time there is already something inside me urging me toward what I need to do, but I sometimes suppress it or resist it. When I humble myself, become willing, and make the change, other things begin to fall into place. My emotions change. My thoughts become calm. I find peace and resolve where there might once have been chaos. Maybe I have so much to write about recovery because I’m working my recovery program. I’m looking for opportunities to grow, and because I’m looking for them, I’m finding them. That’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection
Am I looking for opportunities to practice recovery in my everyday life?

On The Spot

A Decision Followed by Action

I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can change what happens next.

I can do all things through Christ, because He gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

The other day I was umpiring an adult slow-pitch softball game after work. I was tired. It had been a long day, and I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Typically, there is not a lot of action and most of the calls are obvious. So, I usually do not have to move very much. However, there was a close play at third base. I called the runner out, but I was still all the way back at home plate. It was possible the fielder missed the bag, but I was not in the best position to see it. The runner was upset and said he had been safe by a couple of steps. Honestly, every player says they were safe, so I shrugged it off. But inwardly, I knew I was not in the correct position to make the call. I thought about it for a few minutes, but instead of letting my mind spin on it, I decided to change right there, on the spot.

I told myself, “I can do better. I am a better umpire than this. I am going to hustle and get into the right position. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I cannot see the play again.” I prayed and asked God to give me strength and help me do better. And He did. And then so did I. Even though I was still tired, I sensed an extra boost as soon as I began making the effort. I found that I was able to hustle, move, and get the right angle. God had given me exactly what I needed, but I still had to act on what He gave me. Before recovery, I probably would have promised myself that I would do better the next time I umpired. This time, I made the decision and immediately followed it with action. That showed me I have grown. I am not perfect, but I am making progress. I even started to have fun working again.

The lesson for me was this: I do not have to beat myself up, but I do not have to stay the same either. I can do something. I can change. I have learned in recovery that I can change my mind and do something different right then. I do not have to wait for a new game. I do not have to wait for another day. I can make a change, put it into action, and begin practicing it right there on the spot. I cannot go back and undo a past mistake, but I can learn from it and do something different so I do not keep repeating it. And that is exactly what I did. I felt better about myself afterward too. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me to recognize when I need to change and do something different. Give me the strength to do it right then. Thank you for always being faithful to help me. Amen.

A Day of Discovery

I brought home a prize from the county fair. Discovering my wants mattered too.

Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4

The other day I was reflecting on my early days of recovery when one memory immediately came to mind. It was just a few months into my recovery journey. I saw the promo for the county fair and I wanted to go, so I decided to go, even if it meant going by myself. I remember driving there and sitting in my car after I parked, wondering if I should just leave and go back home. Before recovery, I never would have considered doing something like this. It wasn’t because I felt lonely or embarrassed. This was something I had chosen to do on purpose. It felt like one of those assignments that my sponsor would always give me. The only difference was this one I was giving myself. I was wondering if I could really do this recovery stuff. Could I really build a healthy life making my own right decisions?

As I walked through the fairgrounds, I meandered and drifted. I wasn’t in a hurry and I had no plan or agenda. I went wherever I wanted to go. I stopped at the exhibits that interested me. I stopped and listened to a band performing, after a few songs I moved on, even though they were still performing. In the past I would have stayed and listened to the whole set before moving on, even though I wanted to leave. I would have been concerned about what others might think about me for leaving prematurely. Not this time. Those may seem like ordinary decisions to some, but they weren’t ordinary for me. Growing up, I never got the manual on what was normal and ordinary. I was forging my own path. That day I was discovering what I liked and wanted. Then I came across a demonstration for a set of cookware. I was impressed with the presentation and quality of the product. I really wanted it, but immediately I started trying to justify why I should buy it. I remembered reading something in my recovery devotional that morning that encouraged me to do something for myself today. So I bought it.

At the time buying that cookware became a symbolic action for me. The cookware was very nice, but it was merely a representation of a day of discovery. I discovered what I liked and wanted. I gave myself permission to pursue it. The greatest gift I received that day was realizing that I could do something for myself simply because I wanted to. There was nothing wrong with thinking or feeling that way either. In fact, I learned it was actually healthy. I could make my own right decisions. Over time, as I continued working through the steps I felt empowered and confident that I could begin to trust my own decisions. I was no longer a victim worried about what other people thought of me, or even what I imagined they thought of me. I finally had permission to discover that my wants mattered and that acting on healthy wants wasn’t selfish at all. It was freeing.

Reflection

What is something I could do for myself today, just because I want to?

How Do I Do That?

Practicing Recovery

Practicing recovery usually begins with considering the possibility of a different response.

Don’t let evil get the upper hand, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:21

Where we live the water is not good for drinking. One of my weekly chores is to take our 5-gallon jugs and get them refilled. I recently stopped at the store to do that. Knowing I would need space to put the full jugs into my car, I pulled in to the parking slot, like I have done so many times before, giving myself plenty of room on both sides. I grabbed a shopping cart and placed all of my empty jugs into it, and headed to the water refill station. When I came back to my car, a big four-wheel-drive pickup had parked next to me. It was so close to my driver’s side that I couldn’t open my door and squeeze into my car. As I looked closer, I noticed a fresh ding and mark on my door with paint that matched the same color of the truck. I could tell exactly what had happened. I went around to the passenger’s side and crawled across the seats to the driver’s side. I started my car and moved it over so I would have enough room to load my water. While I was doing that, I felt resentment try to rear its ugly head and my mind was suddenly busy with vindictive thoughts. I thought about swinging my door into their truck and leaving a ding. I thought about turning the shopping cart upside down and leaving it behind their vehicle so they would have to deal with it. I even thought about leaving a really nasty note. Then, out of nowhere, another thought interrupted all that and came into my mind. I think it was God, but it sounded an awful lot like my sponsor, so you know what that means. It simply said, “This is a good chance to practice recovery.” At first that thought made me even angrier. How will they ever know they did me wrong?

As I thought about practicing recovery, I wasn’t even sure what that meant in this situation. The only thing I could think of was to load my water, return the shopping cart where it belonged, get in my car, and drive home. I didn’t have some profound spiritual experience standing there in the parking lot. I just knew I had a choice. I could pass along the frustration that had just been handed to me, or I could let it stop with me. So, that is just what I did. Whoever it was that parked next to me may not know or even care that they damaged my car and made my day more difficult. But that really wasn’t the point. What I am learning is that I don’t have to seek revenge when someone does me wrong or hurts me. I can choose a different response.

Before coming to recovery, someone else’s actions like this would usually determine mine. I would react and respond in kind. If they were rude, I was rude. If they hurt me, I wanted to hurt them right back. Tit for tat. An eye for an eye was my motto. But that is contrary to what I have learned so far in recovery. Surrendering my old thoughts to God and letting them go was practicing recovery. I was using the spiritual principles of the program. Like acceptance, self-control and forgiveness. I was thinking differently and considering a new approach to old feelings.

Today I am thankful, that with God’s help, I made a healthy choice. I did not act on the thoughts that started running through my head. I paused, took a breath and slowed down my thinking. I considered a different option. I feel like I won in that moment in the battle for control of my thinking and actions. I don’t owe an amends, and I didn’t retaliate or react. I didn’t do something I might regret later. And that’s the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

How can I practice recovery in my life today?

Recovered, Not Arrived

Seeking God

I am grateful that I have recovered, but transformation comes from continuing to seek God and to do His will.

“…we, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.” Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the First Edition

I was recently listening to a speaker talk about how the introduction to the Big Book, specifically says that we have recovered from alcohol. For whatever reason, and for a long time, I had believed the misconception that I would never be completely recovered. I have even heard people say a phrase that has become folklore and many believe it to be true. “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” Maybe you have heard it too. I interpreted that to mean that I would always struggle and never be completely free. I thought this was the teaching of the Twelve Steps. That belief was a stumbling block for me that caused me to reject recovery for many years. I believe that God is bigger than my problems and that He would deliver and heal me completely, if He were sought. These two ideas were in conflict and created confusion for me. I could not accept the idea that there was no hope for me to ever permanently get better. I ultimately did come to recovery, not because I agreed with everything. I only came because I was in enough pain that I became willing to try something different.

So I was eager to go back to the Big Book and verify it for myself. Guess what? It really does say that we have recovered. Not just once, but repeatedly throughout the literature. I also searched for the phrase, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” only to discover it isn’t there at all. In fact, what I found was just the opposite. When I saw that for myself, I felt relief. I felt validated. The conflict I had carried around for years suddenly disappeared. I no longer had to wonder if I would always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for it to come back. If I was always recovering, would I ever really be free? I finally saw that recovery does not oppose or contradict my beliefs. I am confident that I have recovered, but I also know that I have not arrived. I still encounter situations every day that challenge me to react. Those moments reveal areas where I still need to grow. Old ways of thinking still show up from time to time.

Recovered doesn’t mean perfected. My addiction and destructive behaviors may be gone. I am no longer living in bondage to what once controlled me. But that doesn’t mean I stop working the Steps or that I no longer seek to improve my conscious contact with God. I don’t want to settle for recovering from one malady when God wants to transform every area of my life. So I continually seek Him. It’s a lifelong journey to be relieved of the bondage of self so that I may better do His will. The freedom I thought I would never find was there all along. I found it when I surrendered to God and stopped resisting the truths He was showing me. My prayer now is that I may be able to do His will. That is the gift of recovery for me. I am recovered, I have not arrived

I do not consider myself to have “arrived”, spiritually, nor do I consider myself already perfect. But I keep going on, grasping ever more firmly that purpose for which Christ Jesus grasped me. Philippians 3:12

Course Correction

Back to Basics

It’s easy for me to recognize when something is obviously wrong. It’s much harder to recognize the small changes that quietly take me off course.

This is why it is so crucial that we be all the more engaged and attentive to the truths that we have heard, so that we do not drift off course. Hebrews 2:1

I haven’t completed and shared a new devotional in a couple weeks. That bothered me because sharing what I learn has become an important part of my recovery. Life was still happening and I was till having opportunities to practice the principles of recovery every single day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t having the same success. That should have been a clue for me right there. But, no I “know stuff”. And every time I sat down at my computer to write, I just didn’t have it. I felt empty. At first I thought maybe I had nothing new or authentic to share. I questioned if I should even be writing at all. I even wondered if I felt like a hypocrite because I had been missing some of my regular recovery meetings. So I did what I have learned to do in recovery when I don’t understand what’s going on inside me. I started writing about it.

I found it ironic and a bit humorous that while not being able to write, I decided to write as a solution. I began writing about why I felt I couldn’t write a devotional. I examined my motives. Once I started, I was able to write quite extensively. That’s when it dawned on me. My problem wasn’t not being able to write. I was writing. But not being able to share a devotional was a warning sign for me, signaling something else was wrong. What emerged from my inventory was that my routines and disciplines had shifted. I had taken on a second job that required me to work evenings. My life and my schedule had changed dramatically, and although I was still praying, reading, and spending time with God, it wasn’t with the same consistency or depth. I had stopped attending my regular meetings and, without realizing it, I had stopped journaling. I just kept expecting the same growth and results in my recovery although everything else had changed. My life had changed, but my recovery plan hadn’t adjusted with it. In fact, I didn’t even have a plan.

Every change I make, whether it is a conscious decision or simply a choice by default, has an impact on my life and produces an outcome. Working through the steps has taught me to pay attention to those outcomes because they often reveal patterns I haven’t yet recognized. I need to pay attention to those results whether they are welcomed and desired or unwanted. Not being able to write wasn’t my problem. It was the result of something else happening, or more accurately not happening. For me, journaling, inventory, prayer, meetings, and God’s Word are the foundation that keeps me grounded and spiritually healthy. If I were to completely neglect my recovery and conscious contact with God, I would recognize it almost immediately because the effects are obvious and I start acting sideways. But this was different. My recovery didn’t stop; it gradually diminished as I got busier and I didn’t even notice. I just felt a little off. I started to think differently. I had subtle changes in my behavior. When I seem to be acting or thinking differently, I need to resist the temptation to ignore it. I need to ask why.

I knew I needed to course correct and that meant getting back to the basics. Since my schedule had changed, I needed to implement changes to my recovery disciplines too. For me that means attending online meetings. It means getting up earlier to read and have my devotional time and making time to journal before bed. I can even use my lunch break time to listen to recovery speakers. The specific solution isn’t as important as recognizing when my spiritual tank is running low and responding to it. This time it took me a few weeks to discover what was going on. That is a tremendous improvement over the years I once spent living in denial. That is growth. Sometimes I don’t realize how much something has been helping me until I stop doing it.

Prayer

Lord, help me recognize when I begin to drift. Give me the humility to ask why, the wisdom to make course corrections, and the willingness to stay faithful to the things that keep me close to You. Amen.

Why Did I Sigh?

Noticing My Reactions

The way I react is usually a clue to what’s going on inside me. It’s a good time to stop, take inventory, and ask God to show me what is really going on in my heart.

You should be looking at yourselves to make sure that you are really Christ’s. It is yourselves that you should be testing, not me… 2 Corinthians 13:5

The other day when I came home from work, my wife asked me if I had remembered to pick up our prescriptions from the pharmacy on my way home. I had forgotten. I sat down on the couch and a minute later she asked, “What’s wrong? Why are you upset?” I looked at her a little confused and said, “I’m not upset.” She said, “Then why did you sigh?” I asked, “I sighed?” “I don’t remember sighing.” She assured me I had. She thought I was frustrated with her and was being passive-aggressive. That got my attention because if that’s what she heard and thought, I needed to know why and examine my motives. That was my old manipulative behavior, so to me, that means inventory. I started asking myself some questions. Was I upset? No. Was I frustrated with my wife? No. Was I being passive-aggressive? I certainly didn’t think so. Then why did I sigh? Do I sigh so often that I don’t even notice? Is that normal for me? As I sat with it, I realized something. I do sigh a lot. Not just once in a while, but throughout the day. If I’m working on something that doesn’t go right, I sigh. If I forget something, I sigh. If I make a mistake, I sigh. I came to the conclusion that yes, I am a sigher, if that’s even a word. I still didn’t have an answer as to why I sighed though. So I decided to do a little research on why people sigh and what it may mean. What I discovered was enlightening, but not necessarily surprising.

I discovered people sigh for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s passive-aggressive when directed toward others. Sometimes it’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s emotional suppression. Sometimes it’s perfectionism. I saw a pattern that I related to. I didn’t usually sigh because someone else had upset me. I sighed because I was disappointed with myself. If I forgot something. If I made a mistake. If something didn’t go as I had planned. I would sigh out of frustration. I would think, “You could have done better.” It wasn’t anyone else saying it. It was me. My sigh wasn’t directed at anyone else. It was the sound of carrying the weight of not measuring up. I knew I was hard on myself, that wasn’t new. What I hadn’t realized was how often my body was expressing feelings I was not cognizant of. I started reflecting on what I was thinking and feeling right before I sighed. I realized my disappointment wasn’t really about forgetting something or making a mistake. Those were just the triggers. Underneath them was something much deeper. It was that old feeling that I am not good enough. I was subconsciously putting pressure on myself. And when I failed to meet my own unrealistic expectations of being perfect, I would sigh.

In recovery, I have learned this is what my sponsor calls a corrupt core belief of “I am bad.” Growing up, I learned to measure myself by how well I performed. If I could do things right, keep people happy, and not make mistakes, then maybe I would be good enough to not get in trouble. Living that way is exhausting. I never saw that before recovery. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I get this right?” I ask a different question. “What am I feeling right now? What am I believing about myself?” God has never asked me to earn His love and acceptance by being perfect. He simply asks me to trust Him, admit when I’m wrong, and make amends when necessary.

Now when I catch myself sighing, I pause. Instead of ignoring it, I pray and ask God for help. I do a spot-check inventory. I ask myself, “What am I feeling right now? What am I believing about myself?” If I uncover a lie, I ask God to help me surrender it. Then I ask Him to help me accept that I am enough even when I don’t feel that way. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

God, help me pay attention to what is really going on in my heart. Show me the lies I still believe about myself. Give me the courage to let them go. Remind me that Your truth is greater than my feelings. Help me accept that I am enough. Amen

Fighting Ghosts

Uncovering Yesterday’s Wounds

One of the gifts of inventory is discovering that my reactions aren’t always about what’s happening right now. Sometimes I’m still in a battle with a ghost from long ago.

So I run with a purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. 1 Corinthians 9:26

The other night I was umpiring an adult softball game. Around here they call it a “beer league” because most of the players drink while they play. For the most part it is just a bunch of adults having fun, playing ball, and enjoying themselves. Occasionally, though, someone drinks too much. One of the players was clearly drunk and being loud, boisterous, and passive aggressive throughout the game. After the game he walked up to me on the field and said, “You know I’m just joking with you. You don’t need to take it seriously. You know I’m…” Before he could finish, I interrupted him and said, “Drunk.” His demeanor changed immediately. He became confrontational. Then I followed it up with, “I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?” It was pure sarcasm. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had crossed the line. I wanted to apologize and I did, but I don’t think he’ll even remember, but I will.

On the drive home I did a step 10 inventory. I asked myself a few questions. Why did I say that? Why did I act that way? Why did I want to call him out and embarrass him? My sponsor has taught me that when I have a reaction, there is usually something more underneath it. So, I stayed with this and as I thought about it, I remembered another incident from years ago before recovery. I was traveling to a convention for work. A coworker showed up at the airport drunk and got even more drunk at the airport bar before a flight. He became loud, obnoxious, and completely unaware of how he was acting. He had shared he was terrified of flying. Instead of showing him grace, I took advantage of the situation. I encouraged him to be even louder and more obnoxious. I encouraged him to make a fool of himself and laughed at him as he did. It was the same feeling. The same reaction. As I sat with it, I asked what was I feeling? What was I getting out of this? I was taken back to when I was a child. Growing up, the alcoholic in my life was very different when he drank. When he was drunk, there was anger, humiliation, fear, and a feeling of powerlessness. Then I saw it. Part of me still wants to fight back. The problem is, I am fighting a ghost. I am unleashing my anger on people who were never responsible for my pain. When I encounter a drunk person today who is being loud and obnoxious, that little boy in me still wants to expose them, embarrass them, and take back the power he never had. He still wants to punish them and make them feel what he once felt.

What surfaced when I did my inventory was this: the softball player is responsible for his behavior and I am responsible for mine. I need to stop focusing on the other person’s actions and examine my own. Instead of justifying my meanness and sarcasm, I have learned to ask why it was there in the first place. What I uncovered that day is just another layer of anger, fear, and pain that I did not know was still there. I’m grateful that inventory helps me find my part. It helps me uncover hurts and pains from my past that are still influencing me today. Once they’re uncovered, I can surrender them to God and ask Him to continue healing them. As I continue doing my part, God faithfully does His. He renews my thinking, heals old wounds, and helps me respond differently than I did before. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, thank You for showing me another layer of what is really going on inside me. Help me to stop fighting ghosts and taking my pain out on people who didn’t cause it. Give me the courage to keep taking my own inventory, to own my part, and the willingness to let You heal what I cannot. Amen.

Choosing On Purpose

I Don’t Have To Wait

I am not limited to merely reacting. I can choose on purpose how I respond.

I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have offered you life or death, blessings or curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants will live. Deuteronomy 30:19

I umpired a softball tournament this past weekend. It was hot and dry. I had nine games to umpire. One specific game was in the heat of the day. It was midday, the hottest part of the day and it was a boring game. I was bored because there was not much action, not a lot of hitting and poor pitching.

One of the things I enjoy about umpiring girls’ softball is the atmosphere. The girls sing their chants, the teams play music between innings and they have walk-up songs when they come to bat. It’s just a different environment. Standing there in the heat during this slow game, I remembered something I have learned in recovery. If something works, I can choose to do it whenever I want. I may not be able to control the circumstances, but I can choose how I respond to them. So I decided I was going to have some fun. I started dancing and singing along with the music. The fans started chanting, “Go Blue! Go Blue!” The crowd got a little louder and a little more engaged. The players started laughing and giggling and dancing too. I’m sure part of it was because I’m such a terrible dancer.

What struck me in that moment was how simple the decision was. Nothing about the game had changed. It was still hot. It was still slow. It was still the middle of the afternoon. The circumstances were exactly the same. The only thing that changed was me. For years I wasted too much time waiting for circumstances to improve before I allowed myself to enjoy something. I would wait for the stress to go away, the problem to be solved, or the situation to get better. I am learning that I don’t have to wait for things to improve before I decide to enjoy where I am. I don’t have to wait for an invitation or be told to do it. I can choose to have fun and be happy if I want to, regardless of the circumstances and situation.

The game eventually picked up. The teams started hitting, the pitching got better and the game became exciting. Then a nice breeze came through and brought relief from that dry heat. It felt amazing. I’m not saying those things all happened because I started dancing to the music. But I’m not saying they didn’t either. What I am saying is that life doesn’t have to be put on hold until everything is perfect. I am not limited to merely reacting. I can choose on purpose how I respond, even if that means having a little fun right in the middle of unpleasant circumstances. When I can do that, I am choosing life. I am choosing to live life. And it is surprising how often the circumstances seem to change when I choose to be alive in the moment.

Prayer

God, thank You for giving me life. Help me choose to live this life and enjoy it to its fullest each day. Teach me how to be fully present wherever my feet are. Amen.

Liking Me Too

An Unexpected Gift

The gift of recovery for me is realizing that I am still growing, healing, and changing, even after all these years.

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Philippians 3:12

At work recently, I sent a client a firm letter regarding an unpaid invoice. The bill was more than sixty days overdue, and the letter was our standard notice before sending an account to collections. The client happened to be a very good, regular client and close friends with one of our employees, so I casually asked if they knew whether there was a problem. It just didn’t seem like something this client would do. The employee shrugged and said, “How should I know?” Immediately, I felt bad. I thought I crossed a line for asking, so I apologized. I explained that it just seemed out of character for this client not to pay their bill. The employee then mentioned that they vaguely remembered the client making a payment when they first came in, but there was an adjustment to their invoice. That prompted me to do some digging. Sure enough, I discovered we had received the payment when they first came in, but it had never been applied to their invoice. The mistake was ours.

I corrected the account, applied the payment, and sent the client a receipt along with a brief email apology. Several days later the client came into the office. When I saw them, I walked over, explained what had happened, and apologized for the error. The client was gracious and seemed completely unbothered by the whole thing. Later that day, that same employee came up to me and said, “Thank you.” I smiled and asked, “For what?” She replied, “For being you. I really like the new you.” I thanked her and walked away, but her words stayed with me.

As I walked away, I felt something new rise up. The only way I could describe it is that I felt proud of myself. Not in an arrogant way, but in a healthy way. I felt grateful. Hopeful. Encouraged. Her words meant so much to me. The changes happening in me were obvious enough that someone else noticed without me pointing it out. I was happy. I was glad. I wasn’t just happy and glad that someone noticed. But the fact that someone else noticed meant these changes are real and not just imagined. I’m not thinking that things are different when they really aren’t. That was my old life. That was that denial self. This was different. It was tangible. Here is what is so cool and what I am grateful for. I have been practicing recovery for nineteen years. I am not the same person I was when I first walked into the rooms. God has changed so many things in my life over the years. Yet what struck me was that even now, after all this time, I am still growing and changing. Recovery is still working. God is still working on me.

Practicing the principles of recovery helps me see things I could never see on my own. Sometimes those discoveries come through inventory, prayer, journaling, or conversations with my sponsor. Other times they come through an unexpected comment from someone else. I just received an unexpected gift. Someone noticed the evidence of God’s work in my life. Their words reminded me that God is still helping me change. Just like He has been doing every day since I began this journey. I have not arrived or graduated from recovery. He is still changing me from the inside out. I am no longer the old man I used to be. I am becoming the man I always wanted to be. Today I can honestly say that I like the new me too.

Reflection

What evidence of God’s work in your life can you see today that you may not have recognized before?

Suddenly Important

Asking Myself Why

The gift isn’t that I never get hurt. The gift is that I recognize it sooner and ask myself, “Why did it bother me?”

We are all in love with our own opinions, convinced they’re correct. But the Lord is in the midst of us, testing and probing our every motive. Proverbs 16:2

The other day I logged on to Facebook and noticed that someone I know and care about deeply had made several comments on the posts of a few mutual friends. Almost immediately, a thought crept into my mind. “Why don’t they ever comment on my posts? I write all the time.” I began entertaining that thought and having a full two-way conversation in my head. Before long, I felt hurt and offended. I found myself replaying old hurts and creating stories in my head. As I sat there thinking about it, I suddenly became aware that I was going down a rabbit hole. I knew where those thoughts would take me if I let them go unchecked. It was an old familiar place I had worked hard to leave behind. Then I asked myself, why was this person’s approval suddenly so important to me? It wasn’t important five minutes ago. It only became important after I saw their comments on someone else’s post.

One of the gifts I have received from working a 12 Step recovery program is learning to pay attention to what is happening inside of me. Instead of focusing on the other person, I have learned to ask myself why I am feeling or reacting the way I am. When I looked honestly at what was going on, I realized I was seeking approval. And I was seeking it from someone who either couldn’t or wouldn’t give it to me. Somehow, I had attached my sense of worth to receiving that approval. When I can recognize that, things begin to change. I stop focusing on what the other person is doing and start looking at what is happening inside of me. The issue is no longer their comments, their behavior, or their choices. The issue is my hurt feelings, my need for approval, and the old wound that has been triggered. What I was thinking and feeling was all about me being affected by my old wounds. It wasn’t about what the other person did or didn’t do. It’s my responsibility to deal with what is happening inside of me. I am not a victim. I have choices.

I once heard someone say that I cannot stop birds from flying over my head, but I can stop them from building a nest in my hair. The same is true of thoughts and feelings. I cannot always stop them from showing up, but I do not have to let them take up permanent residence. I have a choice about what I do with them once they arrive. Today, when I feel hurt, I try not to just push it away or pretend it’s not there. Instead, I acknowledge it, feel it, and ask myself why it is there. If I discover that a character defect, fear, expectation, or old wound has been uncovered, I don’t ignore it. I embrace it and try to find out what I can learn about myself and how I can grow. It is not that I never get hurt anymore. I am now able to recognize it sooner. I get to my part quicker. The hurt does not hurt as much as it once did, and sometimes it does not hurt at all. I am learning that most people are not trying to hurt me. They are simply living their lives, and sometimes I get hurt by their actions. When that happens, I now have a process. I write about it and take inventory. This helps me change my perspective. I ask God for help and surrender outcomes to Him. I am no longer responsible for the universe, He is. When I can do that, I sense His presence and His peace soon follows. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

Has something recently caused an emotional reaction you weren’t expecting? What might be underneath that reaction?

Recognizing Old Behaviors

Seeing My Part

How do I know if I am practicing my recovery? When I can hear the truth about myself, even when it is not what I want to hear.

That you are to put away, as concerning your earlier way of life, the old man, which becomes evil by deceitful desires; And be made new in the spirit of your mind, And put on the new man, to which God has given life, in righteousness and a true and holy way of living. Ephesians 4:22-24

I recently had a conflict at work. An employee received a call from a client who questioned an invoice. She had decided that another employee made a mistake. I tried to calm her down and explain that we should find out what happened first before jumping to conclusions. The conversation shifted. The employee became defensive, argumentative, and interrupted me repeatedly. I got frustrated. The more I tried to explain, the more she argued. Eventually, I ended the conversation and walked away. Later, I spoke with her supervisor, asking if they could explain the concept to the employee. The supervisor agreed and made a passing comment that the employee and I seemed to be talking at each other instead of talking to each other.

To be honest, it would have been easy to just dismiss and ignore the comment. After all, the employee had been the one arguing. She had been the one refusing to listen. She even called the client back and threw me under the bus. It would have been easy to focus entirely on everything she had done wrong. I felt justified. But that is not recovery. Instead, I paused and thought about that comment the supervisor made. It resonated with me, not because it reflected the man I want to be today, but because I recognized traces of the man I used to be. One of the principles I have learned from working the steps is to look for my part in every conflict. Not because everything is my fault, but because in every conflict I have a part. It is up to me to be honest with myself and open-minded enough to find it.

As I thought about the situation, I realized that while I may have been right about the issue itself, I was no longer getting through to her. I was frustrated. I was repeating myself. I kept trying harder and harder to make my point. I realized that what I really wanted was for her to understand what I was trying to say. In my frustration, I had shifted into defensiveness, trying so hard to make my point that I stopped listening to understand. That is when I recognized I had drifted into old behavior.

What I am most grateful for today is not that the conflict was resolved. What I am grateful for is that I was able to hear the truth about my behavior in a passing comment without becoming defensive. Instead, I had a sincere desire to change and grow. Years ago, I would have spent all of my energy proving why I was right. Today, I am grateful that God has given me the willingness to look honestly at myself and to ask, “What is my part?” He has given me the courage to confront whatever it is and change. I am grateful that I know God is still working in my life because I can see things about myself today that I used to be blind to. That reminds me that He is not finished with me yet.

Reflection

Is there an old behavior you recognize in yourself that God may be asking you to address?