Why Did I Stomp My Foot?

Looking Within

When I feel unheard or unimportant, my reactions can come out fast. Recovery teaches me to pause, look deeper, and take responsibility for my part.

Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living, examine our ways, and then turn back to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

My wife and I had to be gone for the whole day, and we were having a discussion about what to do with our dogs while away. I offered a couple of suggestions. We could leave them home in our backyard, which is completely enclosed and safe, or we could board them for the day. My wife then started asking me a lot of questions about who would look after them, who would feed them, who would take them to go potty, how often, and where they would go. Was the area enclosed? Were the people qualified? She was genuinely concerned for our pets. Each time she asked a question, I would try to answer, but then another question would come immediately after, sometimes before I could even finish the first one. I couldn’t speak fast enough or finish the answer. We started circling back to the same things, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up or get a complete thought out. Then I stomped my foot and said, “Nothing is going to happen to them. They will be fine.” She got upset, said I was being aggressive, and walked away.

That bothered me. I am not an aggressive person by nature. I am a big guy and I am usually confident and assertive. So I am aware my presence alone can be intimidating. So I honestly asked myself, “Why did I stomp my foot? Was I being aggressive? I don’t feel aggressive.” So I asked myself another question, “What was I feeling when I stomped my foot?” After I sat with it for a moment, I realized what I was feeling. I felt unheard. I felt unimportant. Those feelings are familiar to me. Unfortunately, I know them all too well. They mean there is something more going on inside me that needs to be looked at. I knew that I needed to write about it. What I uncovered was that I felt like I am not good enough. I felt afraid. It seemed odd that I would stomp my foot out of fear, so I dug a little deeper. I asked, “What was I afraid of?” I saw that I was afraid I would not have the right answer. And if I don’t have the right answer, my wife won’t be happy. If she is not happy, she might leave me. That one hit me at my core. The fear of rejection and abandonment. And if she leaves me, I will be alone. Unwanted. Unloved. That was all about me.

This is where recovery helps me. Before recovery I would have never even asked why I stomped my foot. I would have gotten angry, defended my actions and then focused on hers. But now I stop and do an inventory like this. I do it right away too. I don’t wait for things to get worse or escalate into an argument or fight. I try to find my part as soon as I can. Whenever I honestly take this approach, I am always able to find my part. Once I saw my part, I prayed and asked God for wisdom. The solution was owning my part fully. Being aware of it wasn’t enough. I needed to come clean to my wife and make amends. After I wrote about it, I went back to my wife. I owned what I did. I told her the truth about what was really going on inside me. I made it right. That is not something I would have done before recovery. I am so glad I did.

Today I am grateful for the tools of inventory and amends. I can use them in my everyday moments to help me recover. They help me move through these moments instead of being controlled by them. I am not stuck with the same reactions I used to have. I am learning to live with more peace, more awareness, and more freedom. I am slowly and surely breaking through those character defects and receiving healing in my life. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, help me see my part and own it when I feel uncomfortable. Give me the courage to make it right. Thank You. Amen.