Owning My Five Percent

Sometimes the issue isn’t what I said. It’s the impression I left. Recovery is teaching me to own my influence.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40

Recently I was accused of saying something I never said. An employee told my boss that I said they would lose their job if they didn’t come in. I did not say that. I know I didn’t. I have been in management long enough to know what you can and cannot say. My standard response when someone calls off sick is simple and safe. It is the same for everyone. I do not threaten. I do not pressure. So, when my boss approached me with that accusation, my first reaction was anger. I felt misrepresented. I got defensive. I rehearsed the conversation in my head. I started building my case. Before recovery, I would have dug my heels in and proved I was right. I would have made sure everyone knew I never said those words.

My sponsor taught me to pause and do a specific inventory when something was bothering me. I stopped building my defense and started asking honest questions. “Did I really say that?” “Did I give that impression?” Maybe not just of what I literally said, but of what I communicated. That is a very different question. I am in a position of authority. I am tall. I have a strong presence. I speak directly. I carry myself with confidence. Add to that, this is someone who is already sick. Maybe they are feeling guilty. Worried about their job. Maybe already feeling insecure just making the call. Although I may not have threatened anything, could my tone, my phrasing, my energy, combined with the situation, have created pressure even if I never intended it? That question changed my perspective. I stopped being defensive and humbled myself. Instead of confronting them to prove I was innocent, I chose to look at my part and see if I had given that impression.

I am learning in recovery that my intention does not erase the effect of my actions. I am not responsible for what someone assumes or fears, but I am responsible for the impression I cause. Even if my part is five percent, I have to own that five percent fully, one hundred percent. That is what amends really looks like for me. I am not referring to taking blame for things I did not do or allowing myself to be manipulated into guilt. Instead, I am honestly examining how my position, presence, and delivery affect others. Before recovery, being right was what mattered the most. I would never even consider it possible that I could passively affect other people this way. Today, taking responsibility for my part matters more to me than protecting my image. I do not have to be right to feel safe.

It is in humbling myself and taking an inventory of my influence instead of defending my intentions that I know I am practicing my recovery. That is taking responsibility. This is how recovery is helping me build people up instead of unknowingly pressing them down. By focusing on fixing me and me only, no one else, I am seeing my relationships grow stronger, more personal, and more real. That is what it is all about anyway. Relationships. With God, with myself and with others. This is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer

Father, give me the courage to examine my actions and influence so that I can see my part clearly. Give me the humility to own my part fully. Help me let go of the need to be right. Help me practice my recovery in all of my relationships. Amen.