I Was Wrong, But…

My Explanations

My explanations, no matter how true they were, were just excuses called by another name.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. James 5:16

This weekend I made a mistake while umpiring a tournament. Near the end of the game I got one scoring scenario stuck in my head and reported the final score wrong. I knew the rule. I was tired, I was coasting a little, and in my mind this was a game that really didn’t matter. I just blew it. A coach challenged the score, the tournament director got involved, and it was corrected. The right team advanced. The situation was resolved, but I wasn’t.

When the tournament director asked me what happened and how I had reported the score, I started defending myself. I told them, “I did exactly what you told me to do.” They shot back, “No, that was an if scenario. That wasn’t the case here.” They were right. I was wrong.

Later I found myself complaining to my partner about it. I said I had been so focused on the tie scenario that even after one team pulled ahead, I still had the tie rule stuck in my head. I said it was only a consolation game anyway. What difference did it make? If it was that important, maybe the tournament director should have been there themselves. I kept spinning on something that had already been corrected. Then my partner said, “It’s my fault too. I was there, and I knew the rule too.” Then he added something that stopped me: “I just owned it and told them I screwed up.” I immediately saw what I had been doing. I had admitted I made a mistake, but I hadn’t really owned it. Every explanation I gave my partner was another way of saying, “I was wrong, but…” Even if what I was saying was true, none of it changed the fact that I made the mistake.

As I thought about why I reacted that way, I realized I was embarrassed. I have been umpiring a long time. I know the rules. I don’t make those kinds of mistakes. At least that is what I told myself. Because apparently, I do. Then I saw it. Pride. Instead of just saying I screwed up, I started explaining why I did it and pointing out what everyone else could have done differently. Before recovery, I would have kept telling anyone who would listen what everyone else could have done differently and never even considered what I could have done differently. Instead, the next day I called the tournament director and apologized. I apologized for challenging them, for the way I behaved, and for deflecting responsibility instead of admitting I screwed up.

I am not pleased with how I behaved, but making one mistake does not have to become another mistake. Once I see my part, I can own it without excuses, make amends where necessary, ask God to help me change and show me how to make it right. Then I can let it go. I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t have to explain why I did it. The most honest thing I can do is simply admit, “I was wrong. I screwed up.” Which I did. Although it may not feel or seem like it…that is the gift of recovery for me.

Reflection

When I take responsibility, do I still try to make myself look better by explaining why I did it?