Keep On Going

Most of the time I don’t succeed at first… and that’s where growth begins.

Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that’s the end of them. Proverbs 24:16

I am finding that I am aware of things now that I never was before. I used to be closed off to anything I didn’t already have a position on. If I had already made up my mind, that was it. In recovery, something has shifted. I’ve become more open and willing to look at things differently. Things like… I could be wrong, or I could be the problem, or someone else could be right. I didn’t get that on my own. That came from my sponsor asking me, Can you consider that the possibility exists that they could be right? I didn’t agree, but I did honor our relationship and gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was right. Ironic. That was a huge change for me. That didn’t exist in my thinking before.

But I’m also learning that awareness alone doesn’t automatically produce change. Just because I see something now doesn’t mean I instantly live it out. It doesn’t happen like that. It is a process. It takes effort. It takes practice. It takes time. That dreaded four letter word that I’ve come to dislike so much. There are times when I have a clear aha moment, and then I go right back and miss it in real life. I don’t always get it right the first time. In the past, that would have been enough for me to give up and quit. I would get discouraged, throw up my hands and say, I’m done! This stuff doesn’t work. But today I know better. I’ve seen enough change in my life so far to know that this does work. I just have to stay with it and keep moving forward. Like that saying, three steps forward and one step back… except now it’s followed by three more steps forward.

I’ve had to let go of the idea that I’m supposed to get it right the first time. I’ve learned that’s called an unrealistic expectation. I’m not perfect, and I don’t need to be. The truth is I cannot be, even though I may desire it. I just need to keep moving. When I do, I continue to grow. I am also learning how to accept my progress instead of demanding perfection. And that is changing things for me. Starting with how I treat myself when I miss it, and then how I treat others. I’m not beating myself up the way I used to when I make mistakes. I go back, I learn from them, and I try again. Even when I don’t see the change as fast as I would like or others might expect. Awareness is where it starts. That breaks me out of denial. But then I need to take action. That is where the real work happens. For me, change takes time, and I usually don’t succeed at first. I rarely see the desired change immediately or even soon after. Instead, it happens over time through trial and error. And with continuance and perseverance, the change begins to take root. I no longer beat myself up for all the mistakes I make along the way, nor do I demand perfection from myself. That is something I am practicing every day. And for me, that means continuing to walk it out, in each situation, one day at a time. Not striving to be perfect… but staying in it long enough for the change to actually take root. That is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
Father, thank You for showing me things I couldn’t see before. Help me to keep going even when I don’t get it right. Give me the strength to get back up and try again. Amen.