Safe, But Stuck

Sometimes what feels safe is what’s keeping me from growing.

The wind blows wherever it wants. You hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it is going. It is the same with everyone born of the Spirit. John 3:8

The other day, my wife asked me to do something for her, but it wasn’t part of my normal routine or schedule. I did it, but I noticed it bothered me. Later, I mentioned it to her. She works a recovery program too, so she asked me a simple question, Why did it bother you? I didn’t really know. I just felt it. So I did what recovery has taught me to do. I wrote about it. I started asking myself why it bothered me. And then another question came… why do I have so many routines in the first place?

My life is built around routines. I wake up at the same time, do my devotional at the same time, write at the same time, go to work, take lunch, come home, write again, and go to bed. Even my meetings fall on the same days each week. Structure has become a big part of how I live. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But I started noticing something. When one of those routines gets disrupted, even a little, I get frustrated. My emotions come out sideways. I start to feel off. And I found myself asking… why does that bother me so much?

So I wrote about two questions. Why do I have so many routines? And why does it bother me so much when they change? What I came up with was an answer I didn’t like and didn’t want to hear. But recovery has taught me that if I want to grow, I have to be honest. What I saw was this… I use routines to help me feel safe. Structure helps me feel like I’m in control. I know what’s coming and what to expect. I can avoid putting myself in a situation where I can get hurt. What I also saw was that was the little boy in me trying to protect himself and survive. It made sense at one time in my life. But I’m not that child anymore. I’m not living in that chaos anymore. And I also saw it was keeping me from experiencing real life and the joys of spontaneity. That went much deeper.

In all of this, I see that structure itself isn’t the problem, but what I’m relying on is what matters. When everything is planned out and it’s running the way I expect, I don’t need anything or anyone else. It even shuts God out. I have no control over Him. I realized I was depending on myself. My routines kept me as my own higher power. And that’s something I didn’t see before. I’m learning that real recovery isn’t about controlling everything around me. It’s about learning to accept things in life as they are and adapt to them. It is letting other people into my life, as unpredictable as they may be. And it means relying on God, my higher power, even when things don’t go the way I plan. And that is the gift of recovery for me.

Prayer
God, help me to let go of the desire to control everything. Teach me how to respond when things don’t go the way I expect. Show me how to trust You to keep me safe. Amen.