I didn’t realize staying the same was actually a decision…
Why are we sitting here until we die? 2 Kings 7:3
I was thinking about this story from the Bible. And that question that the four lepers were deliberating hit me hard today. They said, why are we just going to sit here until we die? They had to do something different. Their reasoning was simple. If we sit here, we die from starvation. If we go into the city, we may die there too. If we go toward the enemy, they might kill us. But they also might not. Either way, sitting still guaranteed the outcome. That statement stuck with me. There are areas in my life where I’m spinning my wheels, doing the same thing and getting the same result. In recovery, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I want something different, I have to do something different. And I’m learning how closely thinking and action are tied together. So I started asking myself… why don’t I try something different? Could it be I’m afraid? The fear of the unknown is real.
Growing up in the family disease of alcoholism, I wasn’t taught a lot of the basic things most normal people seem to just know. Instead, I learned how to survive, not how to live. So I stayed stuck in defense mechanisms that worked when I was a kid. They kept me safe back then. But they followed me into adulthood, and now they keep me stuck. I did the best I could with what I knew. But recovery has given me new options. Better ones. The challenge is, it’s still up to me to use them. Where I get stuck is this. My best thinking is what got me here. The same thinking that helped me survive is also what keeps me stuck. I’ve tried to think my way out of it, and I end up right back in the same place. The truth is, I’m not going to think my way out of this on my own. I need help.
That’s what Step Five reminds me when it says admit to God, myself, and another human being. Honestly, that’s the hardest part for me. It always has been. I don’t want to let people in. That opens the door to being hurt again. But that’s exactly where change starts. I have to humble myself and be willing to be vulnerable. I have to say what’s really going on with me, not what sounds good, but what’s true. That’s why having a sponsor matters. That’s why recovery partners matter. They can see what I can’t see. They help me step outside of my own thinking long enough to try something different. Sometimes it’s not complicated. It’s just a small shift. A different response. A different action. But I wouldn’t get there on my own. And that gives me peace. Not because everything is fixed, but because I’m not stuck in it by myself anymore. The solutions don’t always show up right away, and they’re not always easy. But I’m not sitting still anymore either. That’s where I need God. Not to do it for me, but to guide me and help me take the next step instead of sitting still and staying stuck.
Reflection
Where in my life am I sitting still, even though I know I need to take a different step?
Ed Schultz | Writing & Ministry 