Don’t Hold It In

What keeps me from asking honestly for what I need?

Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No. Matthew 5:37

I remember a time I was doing step work with my sponsor, and I had to go to the bathroom. I kept holding it because, for some reason, I was afraid to ask if I could be excused. I don’t know why. We were both adults, both working a program based on honesty, yet I sat there fidgeting, tapping my foot, hoping he’d notice. I was giving all the clues, silently wishing he would say, “Hey, do you need to use the bathroom?” But he didn’t. Finally, I couldn’t hold it any longer. I apologized and said, “I’m sorry, I need to go pee. Can I be excused?” My sponsor burst out laughing, a big deep belly laugh, and said, “If you gotta go pee, go pee!”

When I came back, he told me he had known the whole time that I needed to go but was waiting for me to speak up for myself. He said he could see all the “tells” I was giving. Then he asked, “Why did you wait so long?” I thought about it and realized what I had been doing. I was trying to use manipulation to get my needs met. I was hoping someone else would read my mind and take care of me instead of taking responsibility for myself. It was a simple situation that revealed a deep pattern in me. My sponsor taught me that day that part of recovery is learning to speak honestly about what I need and to take appropriate action instead of waiting for others to figure it out.

That lesson has stayed with me. These days, when I need to use the restroom, I just excuse myself. Even in a meeting, a phone call, or a conversation, I can speak up for myself without guilt or fear. No one has ever chastised me for it or looked at me differently. People always understand. But the freedom goes deeper than that. I am learning that God gives me permission to take care of myself. I no longer have to manipulate or hint to get my needs met. I can be direct, honest, and at peace.

Prayer

Lord, thank You for teaching me that honesty begins with myself. Help me to speak up for what I need with humility and courage. Keep me aware of the old habits that try to sneak back in, and teach me to trust that You and others can handle the truth. Amen.